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  1. - Top - End - #1411
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    Even if you can't go into detail due to forum rules, can you at least give us a clue? In any case it might help us understand your position a bit better if you tried you explain yourself a bit rather than posting one short sentence at a time.
    The two major taboos here are politics and religion. Which of the two do you think is more likely to disincline someone towards premarital sex?

    Edit: Read that as "here's your explanation, pressing the topic would lead into a taboo area". Just making extra sure that nobody reads that as wanting to discuss sexuality as seen by religion.
    Last edited by Anymage; 2020-05-22 at 11:44 AM.

  2. - Top - End - #1412
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    You probably haven't; I'm a firm believer that you can't really be "in love" with someone in the conventionally understood sense without actually knowing them a bit personally*. But getting crushes on "public" figures isn't that uncommon. That's fine, so long as you keep in touch with reality and recognise that it's never going to happen.

    Of course, you might just be using a figure of speech, in which case, whatever.

    *By which I don't mean that you have to know them in person, althoug that helps: but you should at least have had some two-way conversations rather than relying on their public-facing persona.
    You're right. Maybe this crush is just a phrase.

  3. - Top - End - #1413
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    The two major taboos here are politics and religion. Which of the two do you think is more likely to disincline someone towards premarital sex?

    Edit: Read that as "here's your explanation, pressing the topic would lead into a taboo area". Just making extra sure that nobody reads that as wanting to discuss sexuality as seen by religion.
    please stop trying to figure this out
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  4. - Top - End - #1414
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    The two major taboos here are politics and religion. Which of the two do you think is more likely to disincline someone towards premarital sex?

    Edit: Read that as "here's your explanation, pressing the topic would lead into a taboo area". Just making extra sure that nobody reads that as wanting to discuss sexuality as seen by religion.
    There are also rules about sexual content, which are potentially relevant in this instance. He might be thinking of those and erring on the side of extreme caution. That was my thinking there, really.

    And if it is religion and he can't talk about that, there are still elements of the question that he could answer.
    Quote Originally Posted by el minster View Post
    please stop trying to figure this out
    You're welcome to contribute to the thread, but if you take a very extreme position on the thread subject it's bound to make people want to ask questions, and if you don't really answer them, I don't think you can blame them for being at least a bit curious.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bartmanhomer View Post
    You're right. Maybe this crush is just a phrase.
    I think you mean phase...
    Last edited by Aedilred; 2020-05-22 at 03:36 PM.
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  5. - Top - End - #1415
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    DrowGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aedilred View Post
    There are also rules about sexual content, which are potentially relevant in this instance. He might be thinking of those and erring on the side of extreme caution. That was my thinking there, really.

    And if it is religion and he can't talk about that, there are still elements of the question that he could answer.

    You're welcome to contribute to the thread, but if you take a very extreme position on the thread subject it's bound to make people want to ask questions, and if you don't really answer them, I don't think you can blame them for being at least a bit curious.


    I think you mean phase...
    Yeah and that.

  6. - Top - End - #1416
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    I'm trying to understand your point of view, but not knowing anything about your experience, age, upbringing and more in general what leads you to these statements, I find myself having to rely on personal experience, that of the people around me and of what I know to be true in general terms, and I find I can't relate in any way. I mean, if you're asexual and looking for or living with another asexual individual, then sure...
    Two asexuals would be sexually compatible though. So that doesn't work either.

    Given that by common understanding if not necessarily by law (although I think by law in many countries) marriages are required to be consummated in order to be valid, I'd go so far as to say that sex is a pretty essential component of it.
    When I got married I was given a little pamphlet which included things like who to contact in case of abuse. It also showed my rights, including getting the marriage annulled if it wasn't consumed, or being granted a no-fault divorce if I was refused sex for (I think) a month. This isn't the kind of law that's enforced much, since nobody outside the relationship would know what has or hasn't happened, but still.

    Before marrying someone you loved became common, sex (and reproduction) was really the only goal of marriage, but I'd agree that whether you were compatible was completely ignored, since you didn't have a choice in who you married in the first place. Nowadays though you usually get a choice, so you might as well pick someone you won't be miserable with, unless you're planning on divorcing after a week or something, which sounds pretty expensive.

  7. - Top - End - #1417
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Glad to see this thread is back. And apparently successfully necro'd without getting caught.

    What's on my mind today is a two-fold issue. One there's nothing to be done about and I just need to vent a little, the other is something I might be able to actually do something about.

    Spoiler: Venting
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    I seem to have caught some feelings for someone I shouldn't have. It's clear to me nothing is going to come from it so I need to just get over it. I'm hoping that if I talk about it somewhere, that'll help the process. And so here we are.

    I have a friend that I met maybe a year and a half or so ago on OKCupid. She was the first person I'd met on there since reactivating my old account after moving to my current location. She was very clear when she contacted me that she was not looking to date right now but was interested in friendship. I told her at the time I was happy to be friends, but would be open to something down the line if things went that way. They haven't, and that's fine.

    But we were conversing yesterday, and she mentioned that she's thinking of dating again, and that there's someone she's kinda interested in. I was NOT prepared for the feeling of jealousy that swelled up in me. I didn't say anything, and don't intend to. There is zero chance she's obliquely referring to me - she's the kind of person who would say so directly if that's what she meant.

    I'm annoyed with myself for feeling this way because it's crappy and I just hate it. Besides, I feel like I'm being a bad friend. I just want to get over it and put it behind me so we can just be the friends we've been for awhile now.


    But all of that stuff in the spoiler box there has got me thinking, and I've realized something about myself: I don't know how to show romantic interest in someone, without already being on a date with them.

    I already knew that I don't know how to tell if someone is interested in me, partly because it happens so rarely, and partly because I'm just pretty oblivious to things like that. I think back to a time about 8 years ago that my friend's date to a wedding was making a pass at me, and literally everyone else at the table (with the possible exception of my friend) figured it out before I did.

    I've always preferred online dating to asking someone out in person, and my stated reason has always been that at least on a dating service I can assume that people want to be approached and that they're interested in a relationship (obviously excepting those who join a dating site and specify on their profile that they're just looking for friendships, which is a thing I don't understand but can accept easily enough). Equally important to me is that it's an environment in which people pretty much have to communicate their own level of interest in me directly through words, which is pretty much the only way I can understand it.


    But now I'm realizing that the reverse is also true - it's a preferable environment for me also because it pretty much forces me to communicate the same way, and I need that help because I don't know how to show that interest like a normal person can.
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  8. - Top - End - #1418
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    So this thread took a turn, but...



    I finally had the opportunity to tell her in person and ask her if she might be interested in being more than friends. Turns out, she is and we're gonna make plans to get food. Feelin' pretty rad.
    Congrats!
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  9. - Top - End - #1419
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Comrade View Post
    So this thread took a turn, but...



    I finally had the opportunity to tell her in person and ask her if she might be interested in being more than friends. Turns out, she is and we're gonna make plans to get food. Feelin' pretty rad.
    Awesome! Always glad when someone is able to post good news in this thread.
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    Work is the scourge of the gaming classes!
    Quote Originally Posted by Kish View Post
    Neither Evershifting List of Perfectly Prepared Spells nor Grounds to Howl at the DM If I Ever Lose is actually a wizard class feature.

  10. - Top - End - #1420
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    But all of that stuff in the spoiler box there has got me thinking, and I've realized something about myself: I don't know how to show romantic interest in someone, without already being on a date with them.
    I never figured that one out either. There is literature on that topic though. And i found reading it and doing some of the 'homework' helpful. In the end, i mostly polished my small talk skills. Never developed to a good flirter. I found those books a good and useful read though.

  11. - Top - End - #1421
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    So as I might have mentioned in this thread, and certainly have in RB, I am now dating a real actual human who isn't put off by the horns.

    And, well, I'm just looking for friendly advice, because my partner(?) is poly, and one of her partners has asked to talk to her other partners, and I've agreed to be imposed upon (haha, honestly I don't mind, more worried about being boring than anything else).

    And so, the above I'm hoping for is, is there anything to stay away from when meeting your partner's partner? I'm going to leave such topics as 'so we both want to shag the same person' to them to bring up, but it's there anything else that I should stay away from? Any decent conversation openers that aren't 'well I don't really watch Marvel films anymore' or 'so I've been binging old episodes of Doctor Who'.

    And I'm definitely, definitely, definitely, absolutely not asking if three way wrestling matches are on the table. At least not before a meeting this person IRL.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    So here I am, trapped in my laboratory, trying to create a Mechabeast that's powerful enough to take down the howling horde outside my door, but also won't join them once it realizes what I've done...twentieth time's the charm, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    How about a Jovian Uplift stuck in a Case morph? it makes so little sense.

  12. - Top - End - #1422
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    So as I might have mentioned in this thread, and certainly have in RB, I am now dating a real actual human who isn't put off by the horns.

    And, well, I'm just looking for friendly advice, because my partner(?) is poly, and one of her partners has asked to talk to her other partners, and I've agreed to be imposed upon (haha, honestly I don't mind, more worried about being boring than anything else).

    And so, the above I'm hoping for is, is there anything to stay away from when meeting your partner's partner? I'm going to leave such topics as 'so we both want to shag the same person' to them to bring up, but it's there anything else that I should stay away from? Any decent conversation openers that aren't 'well I don't really watch Marvel films anymore' or 'so I've been binging old episodes of Doctor Who'.

    And I'm definitely, definitely, definitely, absolutely not asking if three way wrestling matches are on the table. At least not before a meeting this person IRL.
    Your best option is to say that you're new at this and to ask them directly what the etiquette is and whether there are subjects that should not concern you and why that it.
    This should be a relationship amongst equals, so don't be afraid to breach the subjects that concern you and to ask for help navigating for you uncharted waters.
    Also, if you're involved with a poly person who is currently involved with at least one other person, in my mind, that means you're free facto in a poly relationship yourself. The relationship between you and your partner of not independent from the one she has with others, and rules of engagement and dynamics should be an open subject for all parties involved
    Last edited by dehro; 2020-05-24 at 05:54 AM.
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  13. - Top - End - #1423
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    And so, the above I'm hoping for is, is there anything to stay away from when meeting your partner's partner? I'm going to leave such topics as 'so we both want to shag the same person' to them to bring up, but it's there anything else that I should stay away from? Any decent conversation openers that aren't 'well I don't really watch Marvel films anymore' or 'so I've been binging old episodes of Doctor Who'.
    First the good news: most poly people I've known have been massive dweebs. Doctor Who and RPGs should get you far on their own.

    As for the request, try to look at it as someone's partner wanting to meet their old friend or vice versa. To me it sounds like "you mean a lot to me, they mean a lot to you, so I want to put a face to the name and see what they're all about". Treat it mostly as that, like you're meeting a friend of a friend, and you shouldn't go too astray.

  14. - Top - End - #1424
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    Your best option is to say that you're new at this and to ask them directly what the etiquette is and whether there are subjects that should not concern you and why that it.
    This should be a relationship amongst equals, so don't be afraid to breach the subjects that concern you and to ask for help navigating for you uncharted waters.
    Also, if you're involved with a poly person who is currently involved with at least one other person, in my mind, that means you're free facto in a poly relationship yourself. The relationship between you and your partner of not independent from the one she has with others, and rules of engagement and dynamics should be an open subject for all parties involved
    Sure, I get you, just a bit nervous sI think I might be one of the oldest in this harem, so I'm a bit nervous about adding the whole 'relationships how to?' thing.

    Oh, and poly on my end is completely fine, assuming I actually meet other people.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    First the good news: most poly people I've known have been massive dweebs. Doctor Who and RPGs should get you far on their own.
    *Insert being into the wrong kind of roleplay joke here*

    As for the request, try to look at it as someone's partner wanting to meet their old friend or vice versa. To me it sounds like "you mean a lot to me, they mean a lot to you, so I want to put a face to the name and see what they're all about". Treat it mostly as that, like you're meeting a friend of a friend, and you shouldn't go too astray.
    That actually makes me feel a lot less nervous, thanks.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    So here I am, trapped in my laboratory, trying to create a Mechabeast that's powerful enough to take down the howling horde outside my door, but also won't join them once it realizes what I've done...twentieth time's the charm, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    How about a Jovian Uplift stuck in a Case morph? it makes so little sense.

  15. - Top - End - #1425
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post

    *Insert being into the wrong kind of roleplay joke here*
    in my limited experience, there's a surprising amount of overlap
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  16. - Top - End - #1426
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    in my limited experience, there's a surprising amount of overlap
    There is definitely a Sonic Screwdriver joke to be made here, but that's probably pushing the envelope a bit for this forum.

  17. - Top - End - #1427
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    So I found the number of an old flirt in the darkest recesses of my phone again. Back in the day, we chatted for a week, then met for a short evening together; it was rather picturesque and romantic, with a bit of wine while picnicing on a lovely evening on the streamside. Then I went home to sleep for work the next day. We chatted again on the phone for four days. He fell silent, until he wrote that he wanted to meet up. I thought how nice another date would be. But he just said, he wanted to tell me in person that he was not done with his previous relationship mentally, and to cut it off right there. I pulled up my hopes, by asking if I could contact him again after a year (but I feel this was just a pleasant white lie at the time). That was summer 2018.

    He is the first guy that treated me like a person, not an acquaintance or like the sum of my achievements. He is smart and fun to be around (I feel I can be somewhat myself around him, being sarcastic and all that) while he would promote my best qualities. But I can see how I am not the best fit for him, nor the most fitting overall. (He is an English major with an interest in theater, that wanted to work at the BBC, I'm a sales assistant with a fleeting marriage with roleplaying).

    Thing is, I am flipping afraid of rejection. I buried the thoughts about him under a bedrock of other issues, but the fear of refusal and the distinct lack of men who are gay, attractive, smart and not already engaged are few and far between. Any sane and normal person would just shoot a message asking directly what is up, thinly veiled under a message asking how he is under the current circumstances, but I fear if he refused me a second time, I would be doubly as devastated (I was mad at the world and myself for about 6 weeks after, sad for 2-3 months). Yet I would get closure.

    To make things easier, he is ever the gentleman, so he will probably be polite enough to decline gracefully. But to make matters worse, I texted him with a few very nasty things after the "breakup" (if one can even call it that), because my mind went wild after the refusal to see me again. I said some very piercing things about his past, alternating between trying to deconstruct why he is not into me and tearing down my own image in front of him.

  18. - Top - End - #1428
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    in my limited experience, there's a surprising amount of overlap
    Darn, so I can be fine outside the bedroom but fail to get into character inside? Darn.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mith View Post
    There is definitely a Sonic Screwdriver joke to be made here, but that's probably pushing the envelope a bit for this forum.
    Okay, that's another thing of there's I'm not allowed to ask about
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    So here I am, trapped in my laboratory, trying to create a Mechabeast that's powerful enough to take down the howling horde outside my door, but also won't join them once it realizes what I've done...twentieth time's the charm, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    How about a Jovian Uplift stuck in a Case morph? it makes so little sense.

  19. - Top - End - #1429
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
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    I seem to have caught some feelings for someone I shouldn't have. It's clear to me nothing is going to come from it so I need to just get over it. I'm hoping that if I talk about it somewhere, that'll help the process. And so here we are.

    I have a friend that I met maybe a year and a half or so ago on OKCupid. She was the first person I'd met on there since reactivating my old account after moving to my current location. She was very clear when she contacted me that she was not looking to date right now but was interested in friendship. I told her at the time I was happy to be friends, but would be open to something down the line if things went that way. They haven't, and that's fine.

    But we were conversing yesterday, and she mentioned that she's thinking of dating again, and that there's someone she's kinda interested in. I was NOT prepared for the feeling of jealousy that swelled up in me. I didn't say anything, and don't intend to. There is zero chance she's obliquely referring to me - she's the kind of person who would say so directly if that's what she meant.

    I'm annoyed with myself for feeling this way because it's crappy and I just hate it. Besides, I feel like I'm being a bad friend. I just want to get over it and put it behind me so we can just be the friends we've been for awhile now.
    So, some surprising developments on this happened. This other guy my friend was becoming interested in ended up moving away - apparently he was in the area for a job opportunity and it didn't pan out, so he left again. She and I got to talking about things and what she was looking for, and... well, now it seems like we might be becoming a thing.
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    Work is the scourge of the gaming classes!
    Quote Originally Posted by Kish View Post
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  20. - Top - End - #1430
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Good to hear! I wish you luck in this romantic endeavour
    Quote Originally Posted by Grod_The_Giant View Post
    We should try to make that a thing; I think it might help civility. Hey, GitP, let's try to make this a thing: when you're arguing optimization strategies, RAW-logic, and similar such things that you'd never actually use in a game, tag your post [THEORETICAL] and/or use green text

  21. - Top - End - #1431
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Good luck. But I gotta say, don't get your expectations too high when her reasoning is "the guy I was really into is unavailable, so I guess you'll do."

  22. - Top - End - #1432
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anymage View Post
    Good luck. But I gotta say, don't get your expectations too high when her reasoning is "the guy I was really into is unavailable, so I guess you'll do."
    Are you attacking my standard dating strategy!?

    Well you should, blasted thing never got me anywhere.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zelphas View Post
    So here I am, trapped in my laboratory, trying to create a Mechabeast that's powerful enough to take down the howling horde outside my door, but also won't join them once it realizes what I've done...twentieth time's the charm, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lord Raziere View Post
    How about a Jovian Uplift stuck in a Case morph? it makes so little sense.

  23. - Top - End - #1433
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!

    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymouswizard View Post
    Are you attacking my standard dating strategy!?
    You have a strategy?!

    I have heard of such things...not sure how such a thing would work but I like the sentiment.
    (myself mine always tended to be an oh hey we have chemistry and are already friends and I'm single now and just kinda wack me on the side of the head to announce themselves)

  24. - Top - End - #1434
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hyoi View Post
    No strategy is still a strategy!
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