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2020-05-22, 11:40 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2017
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
The two major taboos here are politics and religion. Which of the two do you think is more likely to disincline someone towards premarital sex?
Edit: Read that as "here's your explanation, pressing the topic would lead into a taboo area". Just making extra sure that nobody reads that as wanting to discuss sexuality as seen by religion.Last edited by Anymage; 2020-05-22 at 11:44 AM.
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2020-05-22, 12:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
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2020-05-22, 12:13 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
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2020-05-22, 03:27 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2006
- Location
- Bristol
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
There are also rules about sexual content, which are potentially relevant in this instance. He might be thinking of those and erring on the side of extreme caution. That was my thinking there, really.
And if it is religion and he can't talk about that, there are still elements of the question that he could answer.
You're welcome to contribute to the thread, but if you take a very extreme position on the thread subject it's bound to make people want to ask questions, and if you don't really answer them, I don't think you can blame them for being at least a bit curious.
I think you mean phase...Last edited by Aedilred; 2020-05-22 at 03:36 PM.
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2020-05-22, 05:29 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2015
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2020-05-23, 06:00 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2007
- Location
- France
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Two asexuals would be sexually compatible though. So that doesn't work either.
Given that by common understanding if not necessarily by law (although I think by law in many countries) marriages are required to be consummated in order to be valid, I'd go so far as to say that sex is a pretty essential component of it.
Before marrying someone you loved became common, sex (and reproduction) was really the only goal of marriage, but I'd agree that whether you were compatible was completely ignored, since you didn't have a choice in who you married in the first place. Nowadays though you usually get a choice, so you might as well pick someone you won't be miserable with, unless you're planning on divorcing after a week or something, which sounds pretty expensive.
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2020-05-23, 01:51 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Glad to see this thread is back. And apparently successfully necro'd without getting caught.
What's on my mind today is a two-fold issue. One there's nothing to be done about and I just need to vent a little, the other is something I might be able to actually do something about.
Spoiler: VentingI seem to have caught some feelings for someone I shouldn't have. It's clear to me nothing is going to come from it so I need to just get over it. I'm hoping that if I talk about it somewhere, that'll help the process. And so here we are.
I have a friend that I met maybe a year and a half or so ago on OKCupid. She was the first person I'd met on there since reactivating my old account after moving to my current location. She was very clear when she contacted me that she was not looking to date right now but was interested in friendship. I told her at the time I was happy to be friends, but would be open to something down the line if things went that way. They haven't, and that's fine.
But we were conversing yesterday, and she mentioned that she's thinking of dating again, and that there's someone she's kinda interested in. I was NOT prepared for the feeling of jealousy that swelled up in me. I didn't say anything, and don't intend to. There is zero chance she's obliquely referring to me - she's the kind of person who would say so directly if that's what she meant.
I'm annoyed with myself for feeling this way because it's crappy and I just hate it. Besides, I feel like I'm being a bad friend. I just want to get over it and put it behind me so we can just be the friends we've been for awhile now.
But all of that stuff in the spoiler box there has got me thinking, and I've realized something about myself: I don't know how to show romantic interest in someone, without already being on a date with them.
I already knew that I don't know how to tell if someone is interested in me, partly because it happens so rarely, and partly because I'm just pretty oblivious to things like that. I think back to a time about 8 years ago that my friend's date to a wedding was making a pass at me, and literally everyone else at the table (with the possible exception of my friend) figured it out before I did.
I've always preferred online dating to asking someone out in person, and my stated reason has always been that at least on a dating service I can assume that people want to be approached and that they're interested in a relationship (obviously excepting those who join a dating site and specify on their profile that they're just looking for friendships, which is a thing I don't understand but can accept easily enough). Equally important to me is that it's an environment in which people pretty much have to communicate their own level of interest in me directly through words, which is pretty much the only way I can understand it.
But now I'm realizing that the reverse is also true - it's a preferable environment for me also because it pretty much forces me to communicate the same way, and I need that help because I don't know how to show that interest like a normal person can.
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2020-05-23, 10:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- Calgary, AB
- Gender
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2020-05-23, 11:12 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Gender
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2020-05-24, 02:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2019
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
I never figured that one out either. There is literature on that topic though. And i found reading it and doing some of the 'homework' helpful. In the end, i mostly polished my small talk skills. Never developed to a good flirter. I found those books a good and useful read though.
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2020-05-24, 05:29 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
So as I might have mentioned in this thread, and certainly have in RB, I am now dating a real actual human who isn't put off by the horns.
And, well, I'm just looking for friendly advice, because my partner(?) is poly, and one of her partners has asked to talk to her other partners, and I've agreed to be imposed upon (haha, honestly I don't mind, more worried about being boring than anything else).
And so, the above I'm hoping for is, is there anything to stay away from when meeting your partner's partner? I'm going to leave such topics as 'so we both want to shag the same person' to them to bring up, but it's there anything else that I should stay away from? Any decent conversation openers that aren't 'well I don't really watch Marvel films anymore' or 'so I've been binging old episodes of Doctor Who'.
And I'm definitely, definitely, definitely, absolutely not asking if three way wrestling matches are on the table. At least not before a meeting this person IRL.
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2020-05-24, 05:51 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Your best option is to say that you're new at this and to ask them directly what the etiquette is and whether there are subjects that should not concern you and why that it.
This should be a relationship amongst equals, so don't be afraid to breach the subjects that concern you and to ask for help navigating for you uncharted waters.
Also, if you're involved with a poly person who is currently involved with at least one other person, in my mind, that means you're free facto in a poly relationship yourself. The relationship between you and your partner of not independent from the one she has with others, and rules of engagement and dynamics should be an open subject for all parties involved
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2020-05-24, 08:58 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2017
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
First the good news: most poly people I've known have been massive dweebs. Doctor Who and RPGs should get you far on their own.
As for the request, try to look at it as someone's partner wanting to meet their old friend or vice versa. To me it sounds like "you mean a lot to me, they mean a lot to you, so I want to put a face to the name and see what they're all about". Treat it mostly as that, like you're meeting a friend of a friend, and you shouldn't go too astray.
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2020-05-24, 11:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Sure, I get you, just a bit nervous sI think I might be one of the oldest
in this harem, so I'm a bit nervous about adding the whole 'relationships how to?' thing.
Oh, and poly on my end is completely fine, assuming I actually meet other people.
*Insert being into the wrong kind of roleplay joke here*
As for the request, try to look at it as someone's partner wanting to meet their old friend or vice versa. To me it sounds like "you mean a lot to me, they mean a lot to you, so I want to put a face to the name and see what they're all about". Treat it mostly as that, like you're meeting a friend of a friend, and you shouldn't go too astray.
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2020-05-24, 01:13 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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2020-05-24, 08:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
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2020-05-25, 01:49 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2013
- Location
- Germany
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
So I found the number of an old flirt in the darkest recesses of my phone again. Back in the day, we chatted for a week, then met for a short evening together; it was rather picturesque and romantic, with a bit of wine while picnicing on a lovely evening on the streamside. Then I went home to sleep for work the next day. We chatted again on the phone for four days. He fell silent, until he wrote that he wanted to meet up. I thought how nice another date would be. But he just said, he wanted to tell me in person that he was not done with his previous relationship mentally, and to cut it off right there. I pulled up my hopes, by asking if I could contact him again after a year (but I feel this was just a pleasant white lie at the time). That was summer 2018.
He is the first guy that treated me like a person, not an acquaintance or like the sum of my achievements. He is smart and fun to be around (I feel I can be somewhat myself around him, being sarcastic and all that) while he would promote my best qualities. But I can see how I am not the best fit for him, nor the most fitting overall. (He is an English major with an interest in theater, that wanted to work at the BBC, I'm a sales assistant with a fleeting marriage with roleplaying).
Thing is, I am flipping afraid of rejection. I buried the thoughts about him under a bedrock of other issues, but the fear of refusal and the distinct lack of men who are gay, attractive, smart and not already engaged are few and far between. Any sane and normal person would just shoot a message asking directly what is up, thinly veiled under a message asking how he is under the current circumstances, but I fear if he refused me a second time, I would be doubly as devastated (I was mad at the world and myself for about 6 weeks after, sad for 2-3 months). Yet I would get closure.
To make things easier, he is ever the gentleman, so he will probably be polite enough to decline gracefully. But to make matters worse, I texted him with a few very nasty things after the "breakup" (if one can even call it that), because my mind went wild after the refusal to see me again. I said some very piercing things about his past, alternating between trying to deconstruct why he is not into me and tearing down my own image in front of him.
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2020-05-25, 12:56 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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2020-06-30, 12:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
So, some surprising developments on this happened. This other guy my friend was becoming interested in ended up moving away - apparently he was in the area for a job opportunity and it didn't pan out, so he left again. She and I got to talking about things and what she was looking for, and... well, now it seems like we might be becoming a thing.
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2020-06-30, 01:08 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2011
- Location
- Calgary, AB
- Gender
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2020-06-30, 12:44 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2017
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Good luck. But I gotta say, don't get your expectations too high when her reasoning is "the guy I was really into is unavailable, so I guess you'll do."
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2020-06-30, 12:53 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
- Location
- In my library
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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2020-07-01, 04:08 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2005
- Location
- Santa Barbara, CA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
You have a strategy?!
I have heard of such things...not sure how such a thing would work but I like the sentiment.
(myself mine always tended to be an oh hey we have chemistry and are already friends and I'm single now and just kinda wack me on the side of the head to announce themselves)
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2020-07-01, 09:40 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2019
- Gender