Team Ready, Aim, Fire! Round 5

[Lord Herman]

Emperor Ezlo is sitting in his throne room, guarded by four samurai. “Skippy-san, come here,” he says. One of the samurai turns toward the emperor, and asks: “What would you ask of me, your highness?” “Bow.” “What?” “You forgot to bow.” Radikalskippy draws his katana. “I have shamed myself, Emperor. I will now take my own life, to regain my honour!” “No, wait, that’s not…” says the Emperor, but the samurai has already skewered himself on his blade. “Well, damn.”

A group of dark figures have gathered at the west wall of the palace. One of them says: “Remember, we must not be seen. The element of surprise must be on our side. And do not let any harm come to the Emperor.” One of the ninja throws a grappling hook over the wall, and climbs the rope. The others follow him. “Careful,” one of the ninja says, “I see a guard down there. Pwenet, you take on the guard, while we try to find a way in.”

A samurai walks into the throne room, bows deeply, and waits for the Emperor to speak. “Uhm... Akaziel? Why are you wearing that strange headband? Where is your helmet?” “Your highness, I have invented a new form of warfare.” “Explain.” “Well, you see, seppuku may be very honourable, but it doesn’t really help us win any wars. So I have thought of a way to use seppuku as an offensive weapon.” “How exactly?” “I call it Kamikaze. The idea is that you wait for the enemy to assemble a large force, and then strike at them.” “I’m sorry, Akaziel, but that’s already been invented. It’s called a battle.” “Respectfully, your highness, not like that. I mean we strike at them with airplanes.” “Airplanes?” “Yes, we strap bombs to airplanes, and crash them into the enemy.” “Akaziel-san, what are you talking about? What are these ‘airplanes’?” “Uhm... well, you see, your highness, er...” “Never mind, Akaziel. Just... go and eat meatloaf or something. And do me a favour.” “What would you have me do?” “Don’t commit seppuku.”

While the other ninja look for a way into the palace, Pwenet sneaks towards his target. When he gets closer, he notices that the guard is sleeping. He quietly slits DarkLightDragon’s throat, and rejoins the group, who are standing at a wall of the main building. “Have you found a way in?” “No, Pwenet-san. All the entrances are well guarded. There is no easy way in. We will have to fight our way through.” “Now wait just a minute,” says PirateMonk. “Why don’t we just make a hole in the wall? It’s just paper.” The ninja takes his cutlass, and with a few strokes, he makes himself an entrance. “For shame!” one of the ninja says, “you can not just cut holes in walls! And by the way, why do you have a cutlass?” “Uhm...” “A cutlass is a pirate weapon. Where did you get it?” “Well, you see...” “Yes, we will see!” The ninja removes PirateMonk’s mask. “Aha! An eye patch! And a beard! You are a pirate!” “Avast! I be discovered,” PirateMonk says, and tries to run. He doesn’t get far – three shuriken hit him in the back, killing him.

The ninja enter the palace, in search of the Emperor. One ninja, however, decides to climb on to the roof. He looks around for a good vantage point, so he can cover the ninja’s retreat once they have the Emperor. This ninja, however, has forgotten one very important rule of ninja-ing: instead of wearing a black outfit, he has chosen to wear a bright red one. While he searches for a good spot, he suddenly hears movement behind him. As he turns around, he suddenly sees a monkey with a katana cutting his legs off.

“...and then he killed my family. I swore an oath to hunt him down and kill him, but my lord didn’t approve, so I went ronin. Then, I found this huge sword, and...” “Be quiet,” says Indurain, “they’ll hear us! Besides, we’ve heard your backstory a thousand times now.” “Yeah, we’re beginning to grow tired of it as well,” says one of the samurai standing before the group of ninja. “You will not stand between me and my vengeance,” says Moon Called, and prepares to strike at the nearest samurai. However, her oversized weapon gives her trouble – she can’t lift the enormous katana, let alone swing it. With a few strokes of their blades, Case and Lord Fullbladder chop the ninja to bits, showering the corridor with blood and severed body parts. The ninja quickly retaliate, and Case finds himself pinned to the wall by shuriken, thrown by a llama in ninja attire. Another ninja, who isn’t wearing any attire at all, approaches him. “Now you die, samurai.” He reaches for his sword, and remembers he didn’t bring one. “Erm... Atreyu, can I borrow a sword?” The llama bleats, and hands (or rather, hoofs) him a wooden blade. “Well, this will have to do,” Indurain says, and with some effort, he pushes the wooden sword through Case’s heart.

Atreyu finds himself under attack by two samurai. Gezinato Vegota and Zar Peter both strike at the llama. He tries spitting, biting, and throwing wooden swords, but the samurai quickly close with him and chop off his head. “Atreyu! No!” shouts Vampiric, seeing his furry comrade die. He draws four throwing knives, and throws them at Zar Peter. The samurai manages to block two of them with his katana, but the other two puncture his lungs. Vampiric draws more knives, preparing to throw them at Gezinato Vegota, but he hasn’t seen Krursk. With a quick stroke, he cuts the ninja in half. As Krursk turns around to attack Indurain, Khaldan appears from the shadows, and shoots him with a crossbow.

“But your highness, we need to hold of the ninja! If any of them...” “Nonsense, evnafets. If you leave, who am I going to play noughts and crosses with?” “But your safety...” “Stop blabbing about safety. Now, RocketBard, what should be my next move?” “Enough of this!” says Ink. “I am deeply sorry, my emperor, but I must disobey you. I must do my duty, and my duty is to protect you.” As the samurai leaves the throne room, he immediately regrets what he has done. “I have dishonoured myself. Seppuku it is, then.” He draws his sword, but at that exact moment, a ninja jumps from the shadows and lunges at Ink. The samurai’s half-drawn katana cuts HyramGraff cleanly in two. “Huh. Well, maybe I can make myself useful after all,” Ink says, and wanders off to find more ninja.

Outside, two ninja are arguing. “And why can’t he be a ninja?” says Peaceful Leaf. “Because he’s a monkey, that’s why!” “Come on, Shadow, give him a chance! He is a mammal, after all.” “We don’t have any ninja costumes he fits!” “We did get a tailor to make an outfit for Atreyu.” “We only did that because Atreyu is the ninja grandmaster’s nephew.” “How is it that a llama is the grandmaster’s nephew, anyway? I don’t recall the grandmaster ever bleating or spitting during training.” “Don’t ask me.” “Ook! Ook!” says Baboon Army, pointing at the palace. “He’s right, Shadow. Let’s just go inside and do our job. And give the monkey some nunchaku, for crying out loud.”

“Okay, so we sneak up to the doorway. Then Alarra creates a diversion, and...” suddenly, dun-dun-DUUN stops explain the plan, and starts coughing up blood. Raiser B1ade pulls his katana out of the ninja’s lungs, and asks: “Who’s next?” The ninja remain silent, until Fleeing Coward suddenly screams, and runs away. “Wait!” shouts pingcode20, but the terrified ninja won’t stop running. The other ninja follow him, straight into the throne room, leaving a confused Raiser B1ade behind.

One of the emperor’s guards draws his katana and attacks Fleeing Coward. His ninja reflexes save him – he ducks, and Stu42’s blade hits Ezlo instead. The other ninja then burst into the room. Pingcode20 and Destro Yersul riddle Stu42 with shuriken, while Alarra heads for the wounded Emperor. She quickly ties his hands and feet together, and tries to carry him out of the throne room. Unfortunately, she hasn’t seen Castaras, who, with a swift stroke, decapitates Alarra.

“Ha, I have you now,” says Draken, holding his blade against Dr. Bath’s throat. “Please,” says the samurai, “I have dishonoured myself by letting you defeat me this easily. Let my die on my own blade.” “If you insist,” says the ninja, sheathing his blade. As Dr. Bath’s katana pierces his chest, Draken says: “Hey... that wasn’t... very... honourable...”

[Lord Herman]

{table]Samurai|Actions
Akaziel|Air
alec|Fredricus
Case|Moon Called
Castaras|Alarra
DarkLightDragon|Timeout
Dr. Bath|Self
evnafets|Timeout
Ezlo|Fleeing Coward
Gezina|Atreyu
Ink|Self
Krursk|Vampiric
Lord Fullbladder|Moon Called
radikalskippy|Self
Raiser B1ade|dun-dun-DUUN
RocketBard|Timeout
Stu42|Fleeing Coward
Zar Peter|Atreyu
Ninja|Actions
Alarra|Ezlo
Atreyu|Case
Baboon Army|Air
Destro Yersul|Stu42
Draken|Dr. Bath
dun-dun-DUUN|Timeout
Fleing Coward|Self
Fredricus|Air
HyramGraff|Ink
Indurain|Case
Khaldan|Krursk
Moon Called|Air
Neodan282|Air
pingcode20|Stu42
PirateMonk|Self
Pwenet|DarkLightDragon
Shadow|Timeout
Vampiric|Zar Peter[/table]


Samurai
Akaziel
alec
Castaras
Dr. Bath
evnafets
Gezina
Ink
Lord Fullbladder
Raiser B1ade
RocketBard
Case
DarkLightDragon
Ezlo
Krursk
radikalskippy
Stu42
Zar Peter

Ninja
Baboon Army
Destro Yersul
Fleeing Coward
Indurain
Khaldan
Neodan282
pingcode20
Pwenet
Shadow
Alarra
Atreyu
Draken
dun-dun-DUUN
Fredricus
HyramGraff
Moon Called
PirateMonk
Vampiric


Please submit your actions before Saturday, 18:00 GMT.

[Studoku]

Huh, aparently Fleeing Coward really does suicide in round one and it isn't some crazy reverse psychology.

[Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins]

Are you telling me I actually survived action one? My god! It's a twice-inna-lifetime event! Let us party!

[Vampiric]

Awww, i was cut down, but not before I brought one of those stuck-up samurai down....

Nicely told, Lord_Herman, very funny

I'd ask one of the ninja's to avenge me, but I believe Khaldan has already done so. So, just kill them all, Ninja!

(btw, who was the ninja in red? Fredricus?)

[Pwenet]

Wait, I lived!

Now that is a shock.

[Lord Herman]

(btw, who was the ninja in red? Fredricus?)

Oops, I forgot to actually name him in the story. Yes, it was Fredricus.

[Khaldan]

I am STILL to die in round one.. someone kill me already

[Fleeing Coward]

When will you people listen? I don't need to lie because you people are distrustful enough to try and shoot me despite the fact that I've not lied about my actions for the past 4 rounds.

[Ezlo]

Hey! It just says I'm wounded! Am I actually dead? Or just can't move anymore so I'm "dead." Granted, the second one would make the rest of the story interesting.

[evnafets]

Your name is crossed out. Alarra targeted you this round.
So yeah, you're counted as dead. There are no "wounds" in this game.

[Mr. Moon]

... but... I was only halfway through my back story! So, where was I? Ah yes, and then I found my blade, but it was in being used by the great and terrible half-oni Inuyasha. Oh, you've heard of him? Well, his sword was passed down from my family and stolen by Inuyasha's demon father....

[Draken]

>_>

Dr. Bath you have no honor! Now you must commit seppuku in the next round.

PirateMonk's death was friggin hillarious.

[Skippy]

Are you telling me that the first time no one targets me I die in the first round anyway? That's funny.

[Atreyu the Masked LLama]

DUDE!! Gez killed me! Wow! I think I'm the first person she's ever attacked. That has to be worth a medal!

[Fleeing Coward]

Ezlo, you need to be captured alive to stop meatloaf day from happening which is why you're only "wounded" and why did you shoot me? I'm pro meatloaf day.

[Fredricus]

the redshirt got shot

[InaVegt]

DUDE!! Gez killed me! Wow! I think I'm the first person she's ever attacked. That has to be worth a medal!

Yeah, this was the first time I did not commit suicide or time out, I just decided a ninja llama would be worth the
shot.

[Lord Herman]

Ezlo, you need to be captured alive to stop meatloaf day from happening which is why you're only "wounded"

Yes, that's why I wrote him as only being wounded. I considered killing him, but then the ninja wouldn't have any reason to stay, and all the samurai would have to commit seppuku.

[Fleeing Coward]

Shooting Self again, this time please just let me die in peace, I don't want to live.

[Neodan282]

Nice, but how IS the llama the Grand masters nephew?

[Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins]

The Grand Master doesn't like to talk about the many eccentricities of his brother.

[Ezlo]

Ezlo, you need to be captured alive to stop meatloaf day from happening which is why you're only "wounded" and why did you shoot me? I'm pro meatloaf day.

I picked a random name out of a hat, along with an equal amount of "shoot me" and "shoot air." Seriously, that's how I decide what to do.

[Lord Herman]

That's got to be dangerous in traffic.


ACHTUNG!
I'm having dinner with my family tonight, so I won't be able to do any writing. The deadline stands, but the story will be up sometime tomorrow.

[Lord Herman]

Writing now.

[Krursk]

*waits to see if Khaldan ends up dead by Samurai-related vengeance*

[Pwenet]

I'm going to be dead, simple as that.

[Fleeing Coward]

Not as dead as I'll be.

[Lord Herman]

No... exactly as dead as you'll be.

[Lord Herman]

“Vegota! Quickly, follow me to the throne room! The ninja are already there!” says Raiser B1ade. As the two samurai burst into the throne room, they see the messy result of the ninja attack. The corpses of radikalskippy, Stu42 and Castaras litter the floor, and the bound emperor lies among them, bleeding from a cut in his arm. Two samurai remain in the throne room – Akaziel and evnafets are guarding the emperor, while RocketBard has left to hunt down the remaining ninja. “Untie me,” the Emperor says. “No, my Emperor, we cannot do that,” says Gezinato Vegota. “We have failed to protect you, and must therefore take our own lives.” “No, wait, untie me first!” says the Emperor, but the four samurai have already committed seppuku. The Emperor sighs. “Bloody samurai. Next time I’ll hire some pirates to protect me.”

“I’m telling you, Peaceful Leaf, this won’t work! You see how he holds those nunchaku? Monkeys just aren’t cut out to be ninja!” “Ook!” “That’s right, Shadow. He’ll do fine. Besides, if monkeys can become samurai, then they can also become ninja.” “Hold on a minute, monkeys can’t become samurai!” “What’s that, then?” Peaceful Leaf says, pointing at the katana-wielding monkey that is walking past their hiding place. “What the... never mind, let’s get him!” says Shadow, leaping at the monkey. Alec jumps out of the way, and two other samurai, who were walking behind the monkey, attack the ninja. “Oh, crud,” says Peaceful Leaf, and he joins the fray. They are no match for the samurai, though, and Lord Fullbladder and RocketBard make short work of the ninja. “Eeeek!” screams alec, as he jumps at Baboon Army, swinging his katana. But the ninja monkey blocks the blade with the chain of his nunchaku, yanks it out of his enemy’s hands, and decapitates alec with his own katana.

In the palace courtyard, Dr. Bath is sitting against a tree, sleeping. Pingcode20 sneaks up on him. Out of his belt, he takes a small package. He leaves it at Dr. Bath’s feet, and sneaks away. A few minutes later, Dr. Bath wakes up. “Hey, what’s this?” he asks. Pingcode20 watches him from his hiding place, and sees him open the package. “Ugh!” says Dr. Bath, “who put all these snails in here? What kind of stupid joke is this?” “Snakes!” Pingcode20 mutters, “you stupid pet shop salesman person, I told you to put snakes in the package, not snails!” “Who’s there?” says Dr. Bath. “Uhm, nobody. Don’t mind me. I’m just the... erm... gardening ninja. Yes.” “Oh, okay.”

Ink has spotted another ninja. Destro Yersul has fled from the throne room, and runs right past him. The samurai trips him, and raises his katana to deliver the killing blow. “Wait!” says Destro Yersul. “Why?” asks Ink, lowering his blade. “So I can stab you,” says the ninja, sticking his dagger in Ink’s chest.

“So, what’s the plan?” asks Pwenet. “Well, you see,” says Indurain, “we’ve got these barrels of gunpowder.” “Yes, I can see that.” “We’ll spread them through the palace, and blow the whole place to smithereens.” “Uhm... are you sure that’s such a good idea?” “Why wouldn’t it be?” “Well, we are trying to capture the Emperor alive...” “He’s right, Indurain,” says Fleeing Coward. “Maybe this is not such a good idea after all. Maybe we should run just away, or something.” “Run away? Honour demands that...” “Wait, where’s my torch?” says Pwenet. “What?” “Where’s my torch? I brought a torch. Have you seen it?” “No, where did you last see it?” “Uhm... I had it with me when I found you guys, and then... oh, wait, I left it on that pile of barrels.” “What pile of... oh, crap.” Meanwhile, Pwenet’s torch has ignited the gunpowder, and with a huge explosion, the palace gates, an ornamental fountain, a bucket, and the three ninja are blown to bits.

Castaras is in the palace kitchens, baking a pie. It’s a very special pie – it contains gunpowder, lots of shuriken, and apples. Before long, a target presents itself. Khaldan sneaks into the kitchen, and seeing Castaras, draws two daggers. “Damnation! I have been discovered!” “Don’t worry,” says Castaras, “I won’t tell anyone you were here. Look, I’ve baked you a pie!” “Sorry, not hungry,” the ninja says, and stabs Castaras.