Personal Woes and Advice 5

[WarKitty]

Therapy generally won't be able to solve your everyday problems. It's trying to see how you deal with said problems. Trying to frame something as "you made the best possible choice out of a bunch of bad choices" vs "I have no choice and must do X" is a way to try and manage perception. The former is certainly a more positive way of thinking. This is one of the things cognitive reframing (or restructuring) is used for. Now it is certainly possible this doesn't work for you. It's also possible you've let your prior bad experience with therapy warp your perception of therapy to such a degree that you're not longer being objective about it. Something to consider the next time they tell you or ask to you to do something you feel is "pointless" or "stupid".

It's not really that I think it's "pointless" or "stupid" as much as I just don't get it. Like, the therapist will put out exercises, and I'll do them, and then they'll look at me for what improvement I got from that exercise or what I learned from it, and...nothing. I've done it but it meant nothing. That was the point of that example. I can see that other people see the former as a more positive thing then the latter, but I just can't get it in any sort of meaningful way to me. I can grasp that I was clearly supposed to learn something or get something, but I don't.

But yeah, a lot of times I feel like the objective situation has been "all my options are really bad, and I'm having a hard time holding together because I'm hurting and I'm tired of making bad choices because I couldn't see any good ones and getting hurt anyway and I'm just having trouble keeping on going on when I'm constantly getting more and more dumped on me, but for all my effort I'm not finding a way out." I feel like therapy is giving me "how to see that your problems aren't as bad as you think", whereas I'm looking for "how do you cope when they really are that bad."

[Velaryon]

... okay so

I had a seizure last night, so now I'm in the hospital. Today I had an MRI that showed I've got a tumor in my head.

We don't know for sure yet if it's malignant or benign (currently they're thinking the latter) but either way I'm gonna need surgery to remove it and likely be here for a week or so for recovery. Surgery's Wednesday.

Yikes! I hope it turns out to be benign, or at least that if it's malignant it's been caught early enough to get rid of it without too much trouble.

[The Fury]

It's not really that I think it's "pointless" or "stupid" as much as I just don't get it. Like, the therapist will put out exercises, and I'll do them, and then they'll look at me for what improvement I got from that exercise or what I learned from it, and...nothing. I've done it but it meant nothing. That was the point of that example. I can see that other people see the former as a more positive thing then the latter, but I just can't get it in any sort of meaningful way to me. I can grasp that I was clearly supposed to learn something or get something, but I don't.

But yeah, a lot of times I feel like the objective situation has been "all my options are really bad, and I'm having a hard time holding together because I'm hurting and I'm tired of making bad choices because I couldn't see any good ones and getting hurt anyway and I'm just having trouble keeping on going on when I'm constantly getting more and more dumped on me, but for all my effort I'm not finding a way out." I feel like therapy is giving me "how to see that your problems aren't as bad as you think", whereas I'm looking for "how do you cope when they really are that bad."

I'm not sure of the details of your situation, but do you have any kind of support network? I mean, like trusted friends that you can talk things through with? Sometimes just having someone be sympathetic and reassure you that you're not crazy can at least help you feel better. It probably won't make coping with all this any easier, but it might help renew your courage.

[2D8HP]

.

If you're paying for the therapy then the simple cure is to stop going to therapy!

The resulting better personal financial situation will make you feel better.

Save up, buy a van to live in and get away from your parents house.

And what are the medical problems that tie you to a job in "an expensive suburb", that sounds like a place you don't want to live in?

[Chen]

I feel like therapy is giving me "how to see that your problems aren't as bad as you think", whereas I'm looking for "how do you cope when they really are that bad."

You realize those aren't mutually exclusive right? A lot of reframing or restructuring therapy is precisely that. Trying to focus on the positive (even if its small) aspects of the situation instead of focusing on the negative. They likely won't be able to change the actual situation, but they can help you work on changing your perspective of it.

[Icewraith]

It's like how they all do the "where in your body do you feel your anxiety" exercise. And it never works for me. It's in my brain, it's not something I feel physically, I don't know how to answer that. And I have never had a single therapist take me saying that at face value - it's always something that somehow really means I don't want to answer.

Tell them the question doesn't really make sense to you, but then try to give an answer related to the subject anyways. For instance, you could describe what you do feel when you know you're anxious. Or describe an event where you suddenly knew "oh, there's my anxiety kicking in". Even if you can't describe your feelings very well, if you describe your experiences that can often give you a window into your feelings.

It's also ok to not be totally confident in your answers, just tell your therapist you're not totally confident in your answer and give it anyways.

[AuthorGirl]

*reads new posts*

Holy Mother of . . .

I have nothing at all constructive to say to any of this.

Hugs for all of you.

[Grytorm]

Hmm. Thinking. I observe that a portion of my social circle will not actively talk to me. I need to take initiative with them. But that seems an inapropriate impositiin. Any speculation about how this might have come about.

Another subset, a group of classmates, on the other hand does at times greet me. Interesting. I should try a lnd engage more with them without being creepy.

[Velaryon]

Hmm. Thinking. I observe that a portion of my social circle will not actively talk to me. I need to take initiative with them. But that seems an inapropriate impositiin. Any speculation about how this might have come about.

Some people are just like that. Do they seem pleasant enough when you initiate contact? If so, I wouldn't worry too much about it. If not, maybe ask if you've offended them somehow since they seem to be more distant now.

[WarKitty]

More coherently...

I feel like the thing with therapy is that the dominant answer I get to everything is "you need to be in therapy, only therapy can help", but then when I go to therapy it doesn't actually seem to help. So it kind of leaves me sitting back and shrugging my shoulders - what's actually going on here? Why is everyone telling me that this is supposed to work, but it persistently doesn't? What is it supposed to be doing anyway?

I do struggle with the way trust is supposed to happen in therapy. The relationship is strange enough that most ways I would normally consider learning to trust someone aren't on the table. And I've learned that someone meaning well doesn't necessarily mean they can't do harm. I've found that there's often very little openness to that idea. People somewhat acknowledge that there's abuse (although it can be hard). It's almost impossible to find people that acknowledge that a well-meaning practitioner can still cause harm, especially among mental health practitioners.

I want to make sure things are enough under control that I can focus on what I need to get done and not how stressed or upset I am. But I also want to know how to protect and take care of myself when things are genuinely bad or when I'm dealing with someone who isn't safe. While I think therapy understands the latter goal, I didn't find it interacted well with the situations I'm generally concerned about.

I'm not willing to accept strategies of changing my thinking without a good explanation of how to actually tell the difference between me overreacting and me actually being in a really bad situation, and I've never been able to get a coherent explanation for that out of a professional. Nor have I ever gotten a lot on the topic of learning to live with the bad stuff.

I've often felt like that's where the "uncooperative" or "doesn't want to get better" stuff comes in - that I'm telling the therapist, I don't feel safe doing this, it sounds exactly like the justifications I got when I was in an abusive situation and I was being told I was being too negative, tell me what the difference is. I know I said that, and I just got told I needed to be more trusting. That's with the better ones - the worse you'll never even get near there.

[HalfTangible]

Okay, it's been a wild couple of days. I had a seizure and ended up getting a titanium plate in my head. Should be getting some info on what kind of tumor I had within the next couple of days. I'm going to be discharged today. Having a bit of trouble thinking and speaking.

[Thrawn4]

Okay, it's been a wild couple of days. I had a seizure and ended up getting a titanium plate in my head. Should be getting some info on what kind of tumor I had within the next couple of days. I'm going to be discharged today. Having a bit of trouble thinking and speaking.

Ah yes, the joys of surgery and its aftermath...
Anyway I hope you will recover soon. Get some rest and give your body time to heal.

[Thrawn4]

Hmm. Thinking. I observe that a portion of my social circle will not actively talk to me. I need to take initiative with them. But that seems an inapropriate impositiin. Any speculation about how this might have come about.

Another subset, a group of classmates, on the other hand does at times greet me. Interesting. I should try a lnd engage more with them without being creepy.

Inappropriate how?

And yes, engaging in a non-creepy way sounds alright. Just relax and trust your instincts.

[The Fury]

So, I think I got a handle on what one of my core issues is. A lot of counciling, self-help and whatnot seems to stress taking inventory of my strengths, which is very hard for me to do. It's recently occurred to me, that while I do have talents, I'm actually deeply, personally ashamed of them. Not that I don't feel like I'm living up to certain standard, just ashamed that I have those talents at all.

If anyone's curious, here's a little background. I used to draw comics, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I did want to make a career out of it. I haven't really drawn them for anyone other than myself in years. Where I'm at, it just feels so trivial and even frivolous for me to keep at it. So I keep shutting myself down, even though most mental health advice I'm getting tells me not to. At one point, I even bandaged up my hand to prevent me from drawing.

I've considered talking to a friend about this, but sometimes I share too much. And I know that I'm hard to deal with when I get like this. I'm thinking back to advice I got about oversharing-- Ask yourself "What do you expect their reaction will be? and "What reaction are you hoping for?" In my case I don't know the answer to either one. I guess on top of everything, I'm also worried that I'll accidentally push people away.

[HalfTangible]

So, I think I got a handle on what one of my core issues is. A lot of counciling, self-help and whatnot seems to stress taking inventory of my strengths, which is very hard for me to do. It's recently occurred to me, that while I do have talents, I'm actually deeply, personally ashamed of them. Not that I don't feel like I'm living up to certain standard, just ashamed that I have those talents at all.

If anyone's curious, here's a little background. I used to draw comics, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I did want to make a career out of it. I haven't really drawn them for anyone other than myself in years. Where I'm at, it just feels so trivial and even frivolous for me to keep at it. So I keep shutting myself down, even though most mental health advice I'm getting tells me not to. At one point, I even bandaged up my hand to prevent me from drawing.

I've considered talking to a friend about this, but sometimes I share too much. And I know that I'm hard to deal with when I get like this. I'm thinking back to advice I got about oversharing-- Ask yourself "What do you expect their reaction will be? and "What reaction are you hoping for?" In my case I don't know the answer to either one. I guess on top of everything, I'm also worried that I'll accidentally push people away.

Something people tend to forget is that while yes, you need criticism in order to improve, you also need to hear praise and encouragement. "I know you can do this" and the like.

Dreams aren't meaningless, even when they are. It isn't frivolous or trivial.

... That's all I've got to say.

[zlefin]

re: The Fury
one of the great points of a therapist/counselor is that it's their job to listen to you when you go over all that stuff troubling you. So seeing one of those if you can might be better.
On talking to a friend about it, I'd be up front that you have a lot of stuff you want to unload, and while you' appreciate it if they'd listen, you know it's a lot and you don't want to burden them or them to feel pressured into listening.

[Thrawn4]

So, I think I got a handle on what one of my core issues is. A lot of counciling, self-help and whatnot seems to stress taking inventory of my strengths, which is very hard for me to do. It's recently occurred to me, that while I do have talents, I'm actually deeply, personally ashamed of them. Not that I don't feel like I'm living up to certain standard, just ashamed that I have those talents at all.
.

It seems you have a calling. Something you enjoy doing that can also bring joy to others. Why are you ashamed of it? Do you think you should do something more down to earth, like an office job?

[AuthorGirl]

If anyone's curious, here's a little background. I used to draw comics,

I would be pleased and honoured to be allowed to see some of those, if you wouldn't mind sending me a PM.

and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I did want to make a career out of it.

Webcomics? It doesn't have to be your #1 career for it to be something you do and succeed at. I mean, if you're still interested.

Where I'm at, it just feels so trivial and even frivolous for me to keep at it. So I keep shutting myself down, even though most mental health advice I'm getting tells me not to. At one point, I even bandaged up my hand to prevent me from drawing.

Please don't.

I've considered talking to a friend about this, but sometimes I share too much. And I know that I'm hard to deal with when I get like this. I'm thinking back to advice I got about oversharing-- Ask yourself "What do you expect their reaction will be? and "What reaction are you hoping for?" In my case I don't know the answer to either one. I guess on top of everything, I'm also worried that I'll accidentally push people away.

I have a friend who enjoys being a teddy bear / sounding board (the term we use is "wisdom pillow"). Granted, not everyone wants to be that much of a stable support, but most people like to think they can be there for people they care about. It could be that, when trying not to overshare, you actually shut people out a bit more than is necessary? Just a thought - I don't really know your relationship with your friends.

[The Fury]

Something people tend to forget is that while yes, you need criticism in order to improve, you also need to hear praise and encouragement. "I know you can do this" and the like.

Dreams aren't meaningless, even when they are. It isn't frivolous or trivial.

... That's all I've got to say.

I don't really have anything to say or add to this, but I'm glad that you seem to be doing better.

re: The Fury
one of the great points of a therapist/counselor is that it's their job to listen to you when you go over all that stuff troubling you. So seeing one of those if you can might be better.
On talking to a friend about it, I'd be up front that you have a lot of stuff you want to unload, and while you' appreciate it if they'd listen, you know it's a lot and you don't want to burden them or them to feel pressured into listening.

I guess what bothers me is that I feel like I need a therapist or a councilor in order to have this kind of conversation with anyone.

It seems you have a calling. Something you enjoy doing that can also bring joy to others. Why are you ashamed of it? Do you think you should do something more down to earth, like an office job?

It's been pointed out to me that there are so many would-be comics creators out there that I'd probably be of more service to the community as a fan. I don't know why, but it really got to me. I don't know if that's the reason I'm ashamed of the fact that I can draw comics, but it makes me wish I hadn't spent the better part of a decade learning how. I'm not sure an office job is something I should be doing, but I should be figuring out how to get a living wage job.

I would be pleased and honoured to be allowed to see some of those, if you wouldn't mind sending me a PM.

That's very kind of you to offer and I appreciate it, but I'm sorry, no.

Webcomics? It doesn't have to be your #1 career for it to be something you do and succeed at. I mean, if you're still interested.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but yeah. Part of me is still interested in it, focusing on earning living wage is what's important right now though.

Please don't.

I guess what I'm hoping for is that in shutting down, maybe I can find something else I'm good at. Then I can let go and move on. No luck so far.

I have a friend who enjoys being a teddy bear / sounding board (the term we use is "wisdom pillow"). Granted, not everyone wants to be that much of a stable support, but most people like to think they can be there for people they care about. It could be that, when trying not to overshare, you actually shut people out a bit more than is necessary? Just a thought - I don't really know your relationship with your friends.

I'm jealous now. I want a wisdom pillow too! As for the relationship that I tend to have my friends, I'm usually their sounding board and emotional support. Not their teddy bear though, I'm too skinny for that.

I don't think I'm shutting people out... though I have been wrong before.

[ve4grm]

I guess what bothers me is that I feel like I need a therapist or a councilor in order to have this kind of conversation with anyone.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. It's a hard conversation to have, and a therapist could make it much easier. Many people need their services.

It's been pointed out to me that there are so many would-be comics creators out there that I'd probably be of more service to the community as a fan. I don't know why, but it really got to me. I don't know if that's the reason I'm ashamed of the fact that I can draw comics, but it makes me wish I hadn't spent the better part of a decade learning how.

That's bull. First off, why is it up to you to be a "service to the community"? That's not your job. But even more importantly, the biggest service to the comics community is people making comics. It doesn't even matter if they're good, just making new things serves the community.

And every comic creator is a comic fan as well. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

I'm not sure an office job is something I should be doing, but I should be figuring out how to get a living wage job.
...
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but yeah. Part of me is still interested in it, focusing on earning living wage is what's important right now though.

Having to have a living-wage job is also nothing to be ashamed of. And making art doesn't mean you need to dedicate your life to it if that isn't practical. There are lots of people who work steady jobs, and make art as a hobby, or maybe a side gig. Some will just post it on a Tumblr site, or a blog, without concerning themselves with making it into a career. Because they enjoy doing it.

Heck, if all you do is sit on the "art requests" part of these forums and draw things for people? That's worthwhile!

Art can be worthwhile without being your career. Art is worthwhile as long as you enjoy creating it.

I stopped drawing for fun a long time ago to focus on other things. I was never great, but I still regret stopping. It would never have been my job, but I enjoyed doing it.

I guess what I'm hoping for is that in shutting down, maybe I can find something else I'm good at. Then I can let go and move on. No luck so far.

You might, but also consider, you already found something you're good at. You don't need to stop being good at it in order to find something else. Why not be good at two things?

More seriously, you probably ARE good at more things, but it's hard to see that from your own perspective.

...

In the end, I can't counsel you to drop everything and pursue an art career, because I don't know your situation. While that would be awesome, it's definitely not practical for everyone. But I will always counsel to do things you enjoy, even if you'll never make money from them.

Art should be made because you enjoy making art. No other reason needs to matter.

[Thrawn4]

It's been pointed out to me that there are so many would-be comics creators out there that I'd probably be of more service to the community as a fan. I don't know why, but it really got to me. I don't know if that's the reason I'm ashamed of the fact that I can draw comics, but it makes me wish I hadn't spent the better part of a decade learning how. I'm not sure an office job is something I should be doing, but I should be figuring out how to get a living wage job.

I do not understand the reasoning behind this. If every author thought like this, the entire community would vanish. I also think that any contribution is better than none at all. Most importantly, every contribution is better if it is something people whole-heartedly endorse, which in your case is drawing.
Getting a living wage job is important, but I do not see why you cannot continue drawing as a hobby. Unless of course, this is your way of procastrinating. In that case, drawing comics is not the main issue.

[Cozzer]

It's been pointed out to me that there are so many would-be comics creators out there that I'd probably be of more service to the community as a fan.

Even if that were true, so what...? Following a passion is something you do for yourself. Even if you create art that other people enjoy, it's because people enjoying what you do makes you feel good. You aren't there for the sake of others, and don't do things for the sake of others.

Having to have a living-wage job is also nothing to be ashamed of. And making art doesn't mean you need to dedicate your life to it if that isn't practical. There are lots of people who work steady jobs, and make art as a hobby, or maybe a side gig. Some will just post it on a Tumblr site, or a blog, without concerning themselves with making it into a career. Because they enjoy doing it.

Super seconded. Again, everything you do, you need to do it for yourself. You enjoy writing and drawing comics, so you do it. In order to do what you enjoy, you need to pay the bills so you do something that pays the bills. There's this whole... stereotype of the artist who lives for his art, who refuses to lower himself to do menial jobs to earn disgusting money, and is somehow better than the guy who earns his keep and takes care of himself, and it's a stereotype that needs to die as soon as possible and will never be missed. You have nothing to feel embarassed about. Neither the fact that you have artistic aspirations, nor the fact that despite these aspirations you work a "normal" job. On the contrary, it can be the healthiest balance as soon as you figure it out.

[The Fury]

So as for why I'm not so sure I can juggle living wage and making comics, I do have a job, it's just not living wage and sort of dead end. Lately the hours have been brutal as well, I've worked 13 days without days off so far-- I might have tomorrow off, but the way things have been going I don't expect that I'll know for sure until that morning. Right now, I need to figure out something that I'm good at that pays much better but lately I've been too tired to think straight.

On that note, my work schedule sort of made up my mind about talking to my friend for me-- I won't be doing it, at least not this week.

There's this whole... stereotype of the artist who lives for his art, who refuses to lower himself to do menial jobs to earn disgusting money, and is somehow better than the guy who earns his keep and takes care of himself, and it's a stereotype that needs to die as soon as possible and will never be missed.

I blame Rent for this stereotype's popularity.

[sktarq]

I blame Rent for this stereotype's popularity.

Well La Boheme did it. And that is what Rent was based on (just focusing on the worst bloody elements)

[AuthorGirl]

Ugh. A friend's home situation just got bad enough that he's looking for a place to rent (ongoing problems coming to a head, apparently). All I know is the level of badness and the fact that he's physically safe enough . . . and that he won't talk about it, won't let me or my brother help. I don't know what we'd do anyway.

He's fragile. I don't know what to do except express support and concern. He doesn't have much patience for either - tends to assume that he's done something wrong if another person has to offer any kind of support, even just a hug. I've started going through local newsletters hoping for some ads for affordable rental housing, but there's the question of how he'd react to a list.

Many apologies for the fragmented / really awful English in this post. Multiple edits and a pocket grammar book don't seem to be helping me get it together, so I'm just hoping you guys understand and forgive.

[The Fury]

Well La Boheme did it. And that is what Rent was based on (just focusing on the worst bloody elements)

True enough, though I'm pretty sure that Rent is more familiar to the modern audience. For my own part, I've never seen La Boheme, I'm just sort of dimly aware that it exists. My basic understanding though is La Boheme minus everything good = Rent. Sorry, I'm not trying to digress things further, but Rent really was terrible.

Many apologies for the fragmented / really awful English in this post. Multiple edits and a pocket grammar book don't seem to be helping me get it together, so I'm just hoping you guys understand and forgive.

Aw jeez, don't apologize for that! It sounds like your friend needs help but you're not sure how you can, or if he would accept your help if you could. That's a rough situation.

[Thrawn4]

Ugh. A friend's home situation just got bad enough that he's looking for a place to rent (ongoing problems coming to a head, apparently). All I know is the level of badness and the fact that he's physically safe enough . . . and that he won't talk about it, won't let me or my brother help. I don't know what we'd do anyway.

He's fragile. I don't know what to do except express support and concern. He doesn't have much patience for either - tends to assume that he's done something wrong if another person has to offer any kind of support, even just a hug. I've started going through local newsletters hoping for some ads for affordable rental housing, but there's the question of how he'd react to a list.

Many apologies for the fragmented / really awful English in this post. Multiple edits and a pocket grammar book don't seem to be helping me get it together, so I'm just hoping you guys understand and forgive.

I take it your friend is also bad at accepting constructive criticism? Some people do not understand that it is okay to accept help.
One way to go might be a reverse tactic: Ask him if he would help you with a problem if he had the means to so and it would not bother him. If he says yes, you can ask him why, and he is probably going to say something like he just wants you to feel better. Once you have established that accepting help is not a bad thing, he might be more willing to accept your help.

Your English is fine btw.

[AuthorGirl]

Update. Quote, "Evil step dad is no longer allowed around us until he does psychiatrist stuff."

So my friend's not in immediate danger anymore.

[2D8HP]

Update. Quote, "Evil step dad is no longer allowed around us until he does psychiatrist stuff."

So my friend's not in immediate danger anymore.

Ah the joys of youth!

Seriously guys, hang in there, it gets better.

[HalfTangible]

So, that tumor I got a while back was Atypical meningioma, WHO grade 2. As I understand it, grades (not to be confused with stages) refer to how rapidly the tumor can grow, and there are 3 of them. Grade 2 isn't quite benign, but not out-of-control growth either.

Honestly, that's about as good as I could've hoped for, once I got the tumor. (yes, it's been removed from my head). I might need targetted radiation later, but I won't need chemo, or for my whole skull to be irradiated.