Personal Woes and Advice 5

[dehro]

Congratulations are in order.
How do you feel about it? And are your parents supportive of this?

[WarKitty]

Congratulations are in order.
How do you feel about it? And are your parents supportive of this?

I'm happy with it, and I haven't actually told my parents yet. I'm going to wait a bit so as to keep the "but how will I manage without you" to a minimum.

[2D8HP]

Well, I have a lease move-in dec 1.

Congratulations!

[Velaryon]

Well, I have a lease move-in dec 1.

This sounds promising. Fingers crossed that everything works out!

[AuthorGirl]

Well, I have a lease move-in dec 1.

Confetti flies through the air with great enthusiasm.

Best of luck!!

[Cozzer]

Woah, great! Good luck with everything!

[dehro]

Confetti flies through the air with great enthusiasm.

Best of luck!!

let's hope he sticks the landing

[AuthorGirl]

let's hope he sticks the landing

Indeed.

[Velaryon]

Is there a word for when you can't help but wonder if every person you see on a daily bases secretly dislikes you, and is just being polite by not showing it?

I mean, I know that isn't the case (not every person, anyway), but I still can't escape this feeling sometimes, especially at work.

[Comrade]

Is there a word for when you can't help but wonder if every person you see on a daily bases secretly dislikes you, and is just being polite by not showing it?

Anxiety, I suppose. Sounds like one of the symptoms of it, at least, especially when rationally you know it's not the case but instinctively you can't shake the notion. Paranoia is similar, but I think that's a little more aggressive in nature.

[No brains]

Spoiler: Unpleasant stuff

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Sometimes I feel abandoned by my friends. They make offers, don't follow through on them, and then don't explain why. I don't want to be angry because they're still good friends and I don't want to lose them entirely, but I feel really hurt. When it seems like my best friends are trying to get out of interacting with me, I feel like I should just stop annoying them with my presence. It's a really painful situation for me.

[Sermil]

Spoiler: Unpleasant stuff

Show

Sometimes I feel abandoned by my friends. They make offers, don't follow through on them, and then don't explain why. I don't want to be angry because they're still good friends and I don't want to lose them entirely, but I feel really hurt. When it seems like my best friends are trying to get out of interacting with me, I feel like I should just stop annoying them with my presence. It's a really painful situation for me.

Couple of questions:

• Are they like that with everyone? Some people are just flaky. Don't take it personally.
• Do they have something new going on in their life? A new romance, a big job, or a new child can suck away the time you have for anything else...

Beyond that... you might want to try directly asking them. Sometimes people don't realize they're hurting you, or feel it's no big deal, or are so embarrassed that they don't want to say anything. Don't be accusatory, just direct, and bring up a specific example: "Tim, I felt a bit hurt that you didn't come to my D&D party Friday. I had spent a lot of time preparing, and it made me feel like I was being stood up. I've noticed you don't come to many of the D&D sessions nowadays. Do you feel like our weekly D&D sessions are too frequent?" And then make sure to close out with an explicit request for what you want: "OK. In the future, if you can't make it to one of the play sessions, can you call me and let me know you won't be coming? That way, I won't be waiting around for you. Thanks."

Again, people who are flaky tend to stay flaky -- you can't generally change them. If they don't have a good answer to why they flaked on you, you may need to accept that "putting up with their flakiness" is the "price" of having them as friends -- nobody is perfect, and all friends have something about them that will annoy you, so sometimes you just have to weigh the value of having them as friends vs. the cost of putting up with whatever-it-is. Changing it around and seeing it as a choice you are making can really help.

[AuthorGirl]

Spoiler: Unpleasant stuff

Show

Sometimes I feel abandoned by my friends. They make offers, don't follow through on them, and then don't explain why. I don't want to be angry because they're still good friends and I don't want to lose them entirely, but I feel really hurt. When it seems like my best friends are trying to get out of interacting with me, I feel like I should just stop annoying them with my presence. It's a really painful situation for me.

Ouch. I've been there and it was not a fun place to live. Hugs.

As someone else already said, talk to them about it directly and in a non-confrontational way. Then, if they're really busy or something came up or whatever (or they're flaky), there's no problem with the friendship. Just with how life's treating them, and that happens.

If they kinda brush you off and don't mind that you're upset (and I'm not saying this is at all likely), forget them and make some better friends. Seriously, I have tried to maintain friendships in the face of disinterest, and it doesn't end well.

[2D8HP]

My wife hasn't spoken to me since Sunday morning, and yesterday my Dad got put in the Psych ward.

My sons are nice though.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[WarKitty]

Perhaps this is the cheap way out, but...well, I may have mentioned that I didn't tell them yet I signed the lease.

I think I'll tell them, over text, and "sign the lease" in the same day. Probably friday (this morning would be just too suspicious). But it wouldn't be hard to just, well, disappear for a few hours and come back with everything settled. Maybe pop up north 30min, do some shopping I want to do, pop back down and say it's done.

[Cozzer]

Go for it. When the game is rigged against you, there's no shame in taking the cheap way out. Then, metaphorically, do the cool thing where you keep walking without looking back at the explosions behind you.

[Sermil]

My wife hasn't spoken to me since Sunday morning, and yesterday my Dad got put in the Psych ward.

My sons are nice though.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ugh, that sucks. Not much advice, but I can give you support. Hope things improve, or that you find the resilience to handle them if they don't.

[2D8HP]

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Thanks for your kind words.

[Cozzer]

My wife hasn't spoken to me since Sunday morning, and yesterday my Dad got put in the Psych ward.

My sons are nice though.

That's harsh... I'm sorry for you, man, I hope things get better, at least on the couple side of things.

[2D8HP]

That's harsh... I'm sorry for you, man, I hope things get better, at least on the couple side of things.

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Thanks.

She's speaking to me again (mostly to complain about our 17 month old son, sometimes to comment about how cute he is) yay!

My Dad's still in a "51-50 hold" until Monday, when it's planned to send him back to the hospice that decided to call the cops on him.

He really can't take care of himself anymore, but I'm thinking that he may still be happier dying amongst the familiar clutter of his own apartment (his subsidized Housing Authority rent is cheaper than a storage space, so I didn't have anything of his moved) rather than living a bit longer in a hellscape hospice that decides a 79 year-old cripple is a threat.

In some good news the Medical Examiners at work have moved to a new building, so I hopefully won't have to encounter corpses every month anymore. Unfortunately because of the inmates on the 7th floor continually stuffing the toilets and flooding the building it's pretty much just going to be inmates and deputies I encounter from now on as it's now planned to remove most everyone else from my workplace.

I'm feeling like I must have insulted a gypsy/fairy/ancient burial ground/wizard etc.

[JNAProductions]

*Offers 2d8 hugs, and then some to anyone else who needs them*

Anything we can do to help? You're always fun to read on this forum, and I'd hate for you to be worse off than you could be.

[2D8HP]

....could be.

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Thanks J, much appreciated!

Other than curse lifting charms, advice on dealing with loved ones who've lost their minds would be good, also on balancing duties.

[JNAProductions]

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Thanks J, much appreciated!

Other than curse lifting charms, advice on dealing with loved ones who've lost their minds would be good, also on balancing duties.

Be understanding. Try to see things from their perspective, and it might help you understand what you should say to help calm them and help them be more reasonable.

Um...

Actually write out a schedule too. That might help.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, though-I'm not the best at time management myself, and I've been lucky to have a good family, so I lack practical experience to help you.

Best of luck!

[Mith]

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Thanks J, much appreciated!

Other than curse lifting charms, advice on dealing with loved ones who've lost their minds would be good, also on balancing duties.

My grandmother passed away after sliding into dementia and pain for several months. I mostly was to the sidelines on things in part because it was to ingrained to do what she asked before thinking about things. On top of that, being closer to legally deaf than not doesn't help matters. Long story short: take my suggestions with a grain of salt as I have never really been in it.

In no particular order:

1) If you are trying regular visiting times, make sure that you alternate with someone else. This gives you a break, and also more people means that changes can likely be spotted quicker with good communication. Plus, those with dementia may behave differently around different people.

2) Try not to lose contact with other social groups you have because of having to help family with this. Unless your work is freaking paradise, those connections are what are going to keep you sane through all of this and what ever comes after.

3) Find at least 1 good joke every day. Laughter is always a good start for looking for positive perspectives.

"This too shall pass" probably summarizes my tjoughts nicely, bit that sounds a bit arrogant in my position. Doesn't make the proveb itself wrong.

Anyways, the best of luck to you and yours.

[2D8HP]

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Thanks Mith

[Mith]

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Thanks Mith

No problem.

[Velaryon]

Perhaps this is the cheap way out, but...well, I may have mentioned that I didn't tell them yet I signed the lease.

I think I'll tell them, over text, and "sign the lease" in the same day. Probably friday (this morning would be just too suspicious). But it wouldn't be hard to just, well, disappear for a few hours and come back with everything settled. Maybe pop up north 30min, do some shopping I want to do, pop back down and say it's done.

The mere fact that you feel the need to sneak away in order to sign the lease, and then tell your family about it from a safe distance via text, is heartbreaking, and it speaks volumes about the gravity of the situation. I sincerely hope that the escape (because it's increasingly clear that that's what you're doing) goes well, and that the quality of your life improves once you're safely away. Best wishes.

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Thanks J, much appreciated!

Other than curse lifting charms, advice on dealing with loved ones who've lost their minds would be good, also on balancing duties.

Each situation is different, so no one's advice can be perfect here. That said, I've seen two grandmothers waste away with some combination of dementia and Alzheimer's, and also had an up-close-and-personal view as my at-the-time girlfriend's dad succumbed to CJD (the human version of mad cow disease), so I feel that I can add at least a tiny bit to the discussion.

First, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's easy to let caring for your loved one become an all-consuming abyss that takes up your entire life until it's finally over. Try not to let that happen to you, and remember that there are limits to what you can do for them. Try to hold on to time for necessary relaxation, socializing, etc. so that you don't wear yourself out on the Sisyphean task of trying to make them happy and comfortable. Do what you can, but recognize your limits and draw a line if you have to.

I see where you're coming from about the comforts of home vs. going back to the awful hospice. If you're confident that the hospice was wrong about your dad being a danger to others, then that sounds like a reasonable decision. Might not hurt to get a second opinion from someone else who knows him though, or at least consider whether he's likely to have access to anyone to whom he could be a danger.

I hope that whatever the problem was between you and your wife, that it's okay or at least on the mend.

[Lycunadari]

This might be a weird question, but how do I start talking with my therapist about actually serious stuff? I'm so used to downplaying my struggles so people don't think I'm completely crazy that I have a hard time talking about anything serious with my therapist which is obviously counterproductive to therapy. I trust her, so it's not just a matter of needing more time to open up to her, it's that I would feel weird to just suddenly drop my "high functioning" facade, if that makes sense? (I have severe social anxiety, so I'm second-guessing literally everything I say and worry a lot about appearing weird or saying something inappropriate.) I'd also like to start talking about trauma with her - she knows that Something Happened when I was a kid, but nothing more - but again, I'd feel weird to just start talking about that after barely mentioning it for a year. So, any advise? (That is not just "just do it" 'cause with my anxiety that's basically impossible.)

[Mith]

This might be a weird question, but how do I start talking with my therapist about actually serious stuff? I'm so used to downplaying my struggles so people don't think I'm completely crazy that I have a hard time talking about anything serious with my therapist which is obviously counterproductive to therapy. I trust her, so it's not just a matter of needing more time to open up to her, it's that I would feel weird to just suddenly drop my "high functioning" facade, if that makes sense? (I have severe social anxiety, so I'm second-guessing literally everything I say and worry a lot about appearing weird or saying something inappropriate.) I'd also like to start talking about trauma with her - she knows that Something Happened when I was a kid, but nothing more - but again, I'd feel weird to just start talking about that after barely mentioning it for a year. So, any advise? (That is not just "just do it" 'cause with my anxiety that's basically impossible.)

Having had the fortune not to need therapy, I might be off in the wrong direction here, but could you write a letter that holds some details as a starting point? This gives a starting point of you structuring a discussion with writing the letter, you can get details across, and if you write it out on paper, you can burn/destroy the document completely if you want.

This might not be feasible at all, but it is something to consider.

[noparlpf]

This might be a weird question, but how do I start talking with my therapist about actually serious stuff? I'm so used to downplaying my struggles so people don't think I'm completely crazy that I have a hard time talking about anything serious with my therapist which is obviously counterproductive to therapy. I trust her, so it's not just a matter of needing more time to open up to her, it's that I would feel weird to just suddenly drop my "high functioning" facade, if that makes sense? (I have severe social anxiety, so I'm second-guessing literally everything I say and worry a lot about appearing weird or saying something inappropriate.) I'd also like to start talking about trauma with her - she knows that Something Happened when I was a kid, but nothing more - but again, I'd feel weird to just start talking about that after barely mentioning it for a year. So, any advise? (That is not just "just do it" 'cause with my anxiety that's basically impossible.)

I don't think I have any helpful advice, just following because I'm trying to start therapy again soon for some repressed trauma I never dealt with and I do the exact same thing when I'm supposed to open up about stuff.

Having had the fortune not to need therapy, I might be off in the wrong direction here, but could you write a letter that holds some details as a starting point? This gives a starting point of you structuring a discussion with writing the letter, you can get details across, and if you write it out on paper, you can burn/destroy the document completely if you want.

This might not be feasible at all, but it is something to consider.

That could be a good idea. The rare occasions when I open up to a close friend about something are usually via text message. (Turns out if a message is too long whatsapp will shorten it with a "read more" link, who knew.) I do find writing something out marginally easier than trying to work up the nerve to say something while the other person is looking at you expectantly and then you start worrying that they're going to think you're crazy or something and you panic and change the subject.

I don't think I could handle physically presenting a letter to a therapist and then sitting there waiting while they read it, though. Maybe ask if you could email them something the day before your next session?