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  1. - Top - End - #391
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Lycunadari View Post
    This might be a weird question, but how do I start talking with my therapist about actually serious stuff? I'm so used to downplaying my struggles so people don't think I'm completely crazy that I have a hard time talking about anything serious with my therapist which is obviously counterproductive to therapy. I trust her, so it's not just a matter of needing more time to open up to her, it's that I would feel weird to just suddenly drop my "high functioning" facade, if that makes sense? (I have severe social anxiety, so I'm second-guessing literally everything I say and worry a lot about appearing weird or saying something inappropriate.) I'd also like to start talking about trauma with her - she knows that Something Happened when I was a kid, but nothing more - but again, I'd feel weird to just start talking about that after barely mentioning it for a year. So, any advise? (That is not just "just do it" 'cause with my anxiety that's basically impossible.)
    Start by telling them this. Many therapists are going to be happier with you developibg trust first and waiting to begin real delving until a few sessions in.
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  2. - Top - End - #392
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Start by telling them this. Many therapists are going to be happier with you developibg trust first and waiting to begin real delving until a few sessions in.
    Yeah. I've been told (by therapists) that this is a really, really common experience for them. They are generally very happy to reach that point - because it means you trust them, and because it means that you are on the verge of taking another step to getting better. So any therapist worth their salt will be happy however you choose to tell them.

    Plus, it's not actually weird to wait a year before delving into stuff like that. A patient-therapist relationship is a relationship like any other. You don't start a friendship with divulging all your deepest secrets. You build up to it. Usually that goes much faster with a therapist because you're already predisposed to trusting them, but it still takes time.

    Writing it down may be a good idea. Not a full-length novel or anything, but something simple like your post from here? I actually think you could share just that (with minor tweaks) and get good results.
    Would it be easier or harder for you to read it out loud or to hand it to them for reading?

    Also, would it help you to ask permission before "just" doing it? "Is it okay if I bring up something new that I've been struggling with saying?" or something like that. They will most definitely say yes, but it could maybe help you get over that barrier.

    Or can you start talking about your fear of lowering that barrier, instead of jumping straight to dropping it? They can maybe help you find ways to talk about it, if you let them. " I'd like to start talking about trauma, but I'd feel weird just talking. Do you have any suggestions?"
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  3. - Top - End - #393
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Ah hello again. I'm going to be clear about my problems. First of all I have messed up my classes this term. I have not done the work for one of them and will definitely fail the class. The grade for the class is 90% papers and I haven't turned anything in. The other class is coming along okay. Just need to put a paper together. There is some stuff I should have already done for that but it can work out.

    The other problem I have is straight up isolation. Last summer and the year before I tried to change how I approached people and I messed up both times. I've given up on the people I used to think of as friends. Some will probably talk with me in the future in a friendly way and even be happy about it. But trying to contact them is pointless. The people who I spent time with in Mexico were nice but I have decided I should stay away from them for their own good. That leaves one person I text somewhat often and can talk about depression with. One person who I have seen a few times on the bus lately who is nice. And one person who wants to be my friend but is as annoying as I am. Some people in my classes are friendly but I have no idea how to deal with that. Also a end group who I have joined through my sister.

    In addition I am fairly seriously depressed. I just don't see the point of taking my meds. And I imagine myself screaming abuse at my therapist if I ever see him again. He wouldn't deserve it but over time I have become angry at the world and potentially prone to lashing out.
    Last edited by Grytorm; 2017-11-26 at 08:32 PM.

  4. - Top - End - #394
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Ah hello again. I'm going to be clear about my problems. First of all I have messed up my classes this term. I have not done the work for one of them and will definitely fail the class. The grade for the class is 90% papers and I haven't turned anything in. The other class is coming along okay. Just need to put a paper together. There is some stuff I should have already done for that but it can work out.

    The other problem I have is straight up isolation. Last summer and the year before I tried to change how I approached people and I messed up both times. I've given up on the people I used to think of as friends. Some will probably talk with me in the future in a friendly way and even be happy about it. But trying to contact them is pointless. The people who I spent time with in Mexico were nice but I have decided I should stay away from them for their own good. That leaves one person I text somewhat often and can talk about depression with. One person who I have seen a few times on the bus lately who is nice. And one person who wants to be my friend but is as annoying as I am. Some people in my classes are friendly but I have no idea how to deal with that. Also a end group who I have joined through my sister.

    In addition I am fairly seriously depressed. I just don't see the point of taking my meds. And I imagine myself screaming abuse at my therapist if I ever see him again. He wouldn't deserve it but over time I have become angry at the world and potentially prone to lashing out.
    Have you been missing them? Because I've been in that spiral-you miss some meds, you feel more depressed than usual, you lose the effort needed to take your medicine, and it just gets worse.

    So, barring anything else, take the medicine your doctors have prescribed you. I wish I could help with the rest, but at least I know that.
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  5. - Top - End - #395
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Grytorm View Post
    Ah hello again. I'm going to be clear about my problems. First of all I have messed up my classes this term. I have not done the work for one of them and will definitely fail the class. The grade for the class is 90% papers and I haven't turned anything in. The other class is coming along okay. Just need to put a paper together. There is some stuff I should have already done for that but it can work out.

    The other problem I have is straight up isolation. Last summer and the year before I tried to change how I approached people and I messed up both times. I've given up on the people I used to think of as friends. Some will probably talk with me in the future in a friendly way and even be happy about it. But trying to contact them is pointless. The people who I spent time with in Mexico were nice but I have decided I should stay away from them for their own good. That leaves one person I text somewhat often and can talk about depression with. One person who I have seen a few times on the bus lately who is nice. And one person who wants to be my friend but is as annoying as I am. Some people in my classes are friendly but I have no idea how to deal with that. Also a end group who I have joined through my sister.

    In addition I am fairly seriously depressed. I just don't see the point of taking my meds. And I imagine myself screaming abuse at my therapist if I ever see him again. He wouldn't deserve it but over time I have become angry at the world and potentially prone to lashing out.
    I am not qualified to speak for medication, and will leave that advice for other people. As far as friend groups goes, have you considered forming a work group and going on from their? It is a good way to build some form of a social group, and depending on the remaining length and path of your university career, a fairly constant group that can grow into a soldier friendship.

    I am assuming you are in university/college for my advice, so you can potentially drop courses and have a bit more of a flexible schedule. If you figure you have missed deadlines to the point that you are unable to pass, can you talk to a course counselor about if it would be best for you to drop the course and retake it later? You probably won't get any money back this late in the term, but it might be better for your transcript. This also allows you more time to focus on your other courses. If you have other semesters left, talk to your counselor about taking a lower course load per semester and taking more semesters. This might be financially more difficult for you depending on your situation, but it will give you more time to focus on your courses.

  6. - Top - End - #396
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I'll second talking to someone at your school about withdrawing from the class you know you'll fail. Tell them that you're having mental health issues and you think it would be a good idea to be on a lighter schedule while you get your **** together.

    Why would trying to contact your former friends be hopeless? I'm also going to suggest that socially isolating yourself from what contacts you do have is likely to be unhelpful. Trust the people in your life to tell you if and when you are actually hurting them or being unpleasant. Don't withdraw pre-emptively. They know what they want and what's good for them better than you.

    Also if the meds you were prescribed aren't working that's okay. Not everyone responds the same way to the same meds. But that's cause to talk to your doctor and experiment around not reason to give up.

  7. - Top - End - #397
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    I'll second talking to someone at your school about withdrawing from the class you know you'll fail. Tell them that you're having mental health issues and you think it would be a good idea to be on a lighter schedule while you get your **** together.

    Why would trying to contact your former friends be hopeless? I'm also going to suggest that socially isolating yourself from what contacts you do have is likely to be unhelpful. Trust the people in your life to tell you if and when you are actually hurting them or being unpleasant. Don't withdraw pre-emptively. They know what they want and what's good for them better than you.

    Also if the meds you were prescribed aren't working that's okay. Not everyone responds the same way to the same meds. But that's cause to talk to your doctor and experiment around not reason to give up.
    Most schools also have an option to take what's called an "incomplete" grade. What this means is that, instead of having to have everything in by the end of the semester, you get extra time. I've done it for the order of an extra 2 years on some classes while I got medicine together.
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  8. - Top - End - #398
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    So it looks like my cat may have cancer...they're doing a biopsy friday, but it didn't sound optimistic.
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  9. - Top - End - #399
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
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    Sorry to learn that WarKitty.

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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    So it looks like my cat may have cancer...they're doing a biopsy friday, but it didn't sound optimistic.
    =(

    Sorry, Kitty; I know that hurts, for what it's worth. One of my dogs died of lymphoma earlier this year.
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  11. - Top - End - #401
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    @Juniper:

    It looks like maybe . . .

    1) explain the barriers you have to "just" talking about the Something that Happened and about anything else.

    2) ask if it would be okay to write a letter.

    3) when you get home, write the letter without thinking about the fact that you will be presenting it - focus just on accuracy and clarity.

    4) give the therapist your letter at the next session, then say goodbye and leave.

    5) at the session after that, the stuff in the letter will be known by your therapist, and stuff can proceed from there?

    Trying to neutralize all the social things here, including the facade. I might be way off base, not having experience with this sort of thing, but it seems good based on what you've said.

  12. - Top - End - #402
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    So I have been very down lately, a lot of self-hate and depression, I even considered suicide.

    But I'm trying to get by, me buying some games I really wanted and reading some stuff that is really good is helping.

    I also meet someone at work who is quite nice, he likes books, games and art but I just found out he is moving to Argentina soon.

    So since I have nothing to lose I'm planning to just go and confess my feelings and admiration for him, but I'm afraid my lines will sound too self-centric, what you guys think? I mean it’s the perfect opportunity since if he doesn’t like I won’t have to see him anymore, and if he does well good it’s out of my chest anyway.

    "Wow I must tell you my luck is really terrible, I finally found a guy who is fun, like arts, games has a Blanka t-shirt and is handsome, literally next to me this whole time and now he's moving to the other side of the continent, talk about bad luck, for me at least ;)"

    Something along these lines, what you guys think? Am I making this too much about me and not about him? Or is it fine?

  13. - Top - End - #403
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    So things got a lot worse at my job from when I last posted. My boss ended up bullying me to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts, she threatened to fire me for having a panic attack and I'm 80% sure but can't prove that she installed spyware on my computer and was monitoring me. So yeah, I quit effective December 1st.

    My issue now is what to say on job applications for reasons for leaving and whether I should or should not say they can contact my former boss. And if I say "no" what the professional way to explain what happened is.

  14. - Top - End - #404
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zurvan View Post
    So I have been very down lately, a lot of self-hate and depression, I even considered suicide.

    But I'm trying to get by, me buying some games I really wanted and reading some stuff that is really good is helping.

    I also meet someone at work who is quite nice, he likes books, games and art but I just found out he is moving to Argentina soon.

    So since I have nothing to lose I'm planning to just go and confess my feelings and admiration for him, but I'm afraid my lines will sound too self-centric, what you guys think? I mean it’s the perfect opportunity since if he doesn’t like I won’t have to see him anymore, and if he does well good it’s out of my chest anyway.

    "Wow I must tell you my luck is really terrible, I finally found a guy who is fun, like arts, games has a Blanka t-shirt and is handsome, literally next to me this whole time and now he's moving to the other side of the continent, talk about bad luck, for me at least ;)"

    Something along these lines, what you guys think? Am I making this too much about me and not about him? Or is it fine?
    A belated response, but trying to put myself as the recipient, and I am not sure if that would be the best way to do it. I probably would go more towards "Best of luck where you are heading. I am really wishing you could have stayed. It would have been interesting to see where we could have gone with this." Not those exact words, but I think in your situation it works better to focus on the "us" and the relationship you two have vs. him or yourself. But that's just my two cents, and Canada no longer has the penny.

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    So things got a lot worse at my job from when I last posted. My boss ended up bullying me to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts, she threatened to fire me for having a panic attack and I'm 80% sure but can't prove that she installed spyware on my computer and was monitoring me. So yeah, I quit effective December 1st.

    My issue now is what to say on job applications for reasons for leaving and whether I should or should not say they can contact my former boss. And if I say "no" what the professional way to explain what happened is.
    I would say no because there is no point in giving contacts to a bad reference. As far as reasons for leaving, you could say that you were treated unprofessionally by your boss and you found yourself in a unhealthy workplace.

    My statement above regarding the value of my two cents stands for this as well.

    Do you have a collegue at your current work you could puf as a reference that could verify the problems you were having?
    Last edited by Mith; 2017-11-30 at 08:08 PM.

  15. - Top - End - #405
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Sort of. There are some people at my current job weren't involved in what was going on and I'm still fond of. However I don't think they know just how bad things were. The boss was careful to keep the worst of her abuse to where and when other people weren't around.

  16. - Top - End - #406
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    maybe, now you're out of there, you can connect with them and explain in more detail why you left and the extent of the problem. that way, should a request for confirmation of your statement come their way, they at least have all the facts.
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  17. - Top - End - #407
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Mith View Post
    I would say no because there is no point in giving contacts to a bad reference. As far as reasons for leaving, you could say that you were treated unprofessionally by your boss and you found yourself in a unhealthy workplace.

    My statement above regarding the value of my two cents stands for this as well.

    Do you have a collegue at your current work you could puf as a reference that could verify the problems you were having?
    For the following, keep in mind that what I know is from talking with friends who were involved in hirings at bigger companies and a popular career advice column in a german engineering newspaper. I have no personal experience in hiring. This may all not apply to different countries or job markets.

    I don't think explaining the problematic situation to a prospective employer will do you any good. Sure, they could collect statements from coworkers, have an extensive interview with you to get a complete picture and then conclude (preferably) that the issues where not your fault. Or they could just hire someone with the same qualifications who doesn't come with any baggage.

    Not giving any reference would probably look "suspicious". Try to explain to one of your ex-coworkers (preferably one in a senior position) the situation and ask if you can give them as a reference. Then just direct people their way without giving any details on past problems.

    Of course this all depends on how the competition in your line of work and how thorough their hiring process actually is. If they desperately need your skills, they may probably ignore other stuff.
    Last edited by Iruka; 2017-12-01 at 07:17 AM.


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  18. - Top - End - #408
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I had a similar issue a couple years ago ago. I just used a good coworker as the reference and it was fine.
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  19. - Top - End - #409
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    So things got a lot worse at my job from when I last posted. My boss ended up bullying me to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts, she threatened to fire me for having a panic attack and I'm 80% sure but can't prove that she installed spyware on my computer and was monitoring me. So yeah, I quit effective December 1st.

    My issue now is what to say on job applications for reasons for leaving and whether I should or should not say they can contact my former boss. And if I say "no" what the professional way to explain what happened is.
    One thing that might help is to say you quit for "health reasons" or something like that. Be vague, but assure your new employer that you don't expect them to affect your new job. Because "I was too stressed out to function" is a completely valid health problem.
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  20. - Top - End - #410
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    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    One thing that might help is to say you quit for "health reasons" or something like that. Be vague, but assure your new employer that you don't expect them to affect your new job. Because "I was too stressed out to function" is a completely valid health problem.
    it is also a giant red flag that will get you marked down in favour of someone who doesn't has "likely to succumb to stress" in their CV.
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  21. - Top - End - #411
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    it is also a giant red flag that will get you marked down in favour of someone who doesn't has "likely to succumb to stress" in their CV.
    Here's the thing: you're going to be asked why you left your last job, especially without something else lined up. You need some reason to give. There aren't any reasons, other than downsizing, that aren't some sort of red flag. Sure, "health reasons" isn't completely ideal, but ANY form of badmouthing your previous employer is much, much worse, even if they totally deserved. Acting like you just decided to quit without something else lined up is also bad. "Health reasons" is at least something that doesn't look like you flaked out for no reason or that you're difficult to get along with or prone to drama.

    Note that you don't have to explain the "health reasons", or say they were mental health related, and you can immediately transition into saying why the new role is attractive.
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  22. - Top - End - #412
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    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    So things got a lot worse at my job from when I last posted. My boss ended up bullying me to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts, she threatened to fire me for having a panic attack and I'm 80% sure but can't prove that she installed spyware on my computer and was monitoring me. So yeah, I quit effective December 1st.

    My issue now is what to say on job applications for reasons for leaving and whether I should or should not say they can contact my former boss. And if I say "no" what the professional way to explain what happened is.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mith View Post
    I would say no because there is no point in giving contacts to a bad reference. As far as reasons for leaving, you could say that you were treated unprofessionally by your boss and you found yourself in a unhealthy workplace.

    My statement above regarding the value of my two cents stands for this as well.

    Do you have a collegue at your current work you could puf as a reference that could verify the problems you were having?
    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Here's the thing: you're going to be asked why you left your last job, especially without something else lined up. You need some reason to give. There aren't any reasons, other than downsizing, that aren't some sort of red flag. Sure, "health reasons" isn't completely ideal, but ANY form of badmouthing your previous employer is much, much worse, even if they totally deserved. Acting like you just decided to quit without something else lined up is also bad. "Health reasons" is at least something that doesn't look like you flaked out for no reason or that you're difficult to get along with or prone to drama.

    Note that you don't have to explain the "health reasons", or say they were mental health related, and you can immediately transition into saying why the new role is attractive.
    Right, so I left my last job for similar reasons. I didn't have a new job lined up yet when I gave my notice, though I was lucky enough to get one quickly. So I'm going to speak from my experience.

    My advice is to be honest, but vague. You do need to give a reason, but you don't need to go into detail. When I was asked why I moved across the country for a job, and left after only 5 months, I did this. I think my actual statement was:

    "I don't want to get into details, as I don't wish to badmouth anyone, but I left to escape a hostile atmosphere that had developed, which was starting to affect my well-being."

    Don't elaborate from there. You can answer specific questions if asked, but don't volunteer more information than required.

    Everybody, literally EVERYBODY, has dealt with hostile coworkers before. Most not to the degree they'd quit, but they generally understand the concept, and usually get how it could be bad enough to leave. In general, this will assuage any red flags more than a vague "health reasons" as well.

    Additionally, nobody is willing to believe that they'll cause a hostile workplace, so you bypass a lot of the "what if they leave here" questions. You obviously won't leave here in the same way! We're not hostile and abusive!

    I'll admit I was lucky, in that both of the people interviewing me had actually left jobs for harassment reasons as well. One of them even had left the same company I had just quit, though because of a different person. But I think most people, especially HR folks, understand this kind of situation and the need to get out of it.

    As for a reference, if you have a colleague who can give you one that can work, but ask them not to address the harassment if possible, except to confirm that it was happening. But not providing a reference is also ok, as long as you have other references to take up the slack. If you don't, then it's trickier.

  23. - Top - End - #413
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I'm worried for my mental health. I don't want to go nuts.

  24. - Top - End - #414
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    I'm going to try contacting some of my senior coworkers. Near the end they had much more to do with my performance than my nominal boss anyways. Maybe I can counteract not putting down her with sufficient numbers of non-bitchy people.

    Gods this whole situation has left me still paranoid that she's spying on me and unwilling to trust anyone. I'm getting freaked out that she's reading these boards and knows my screen name or she's somehow corrupting my former coworkers so they'll be unsympathetic towards me and won't believe me. And I still can't shake off the feeling that this is all my fault and I'm a worthless failure.

  25. - Top - End - #415
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Recherché View Post
    I'm going to try contacting some of my senior coworkers. Near the end they had much more to do with my performance than my nominal boss anyways. Maybe I can counteract not putting down her with sufficient numbers of non-bitchy people.

    Gods this whole situation has left me still paranoid that she's spying on me and unwilling to trust anyone. I'm getting freaked out that she's reading these boards and knows my screen name or she's somehow corrupting my former coworkers so they'll be unsympathetic towards me and won't believe me. And I still can't shake off the feeling that this is all my fault and I'm a worthless failure.
    Honestly, if she's that bad, your coworkers probably know. I know some of my former bosses, I wouldn't believe a word they say about an employee anyway.
    Hail to the Lord of Death and Destruction!
    CATNIP FOR THE CAT GOD! YARN FOR THE YARN THRONE! MILK FOR THE MILK BOWL!

  26. - Top - End - #416
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Glass Mouse's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by ArlEammon View Post
    I'm worried for my mental health. I don't want to go nuts.
    That sounds really scary. What do you mean by "nuts"? Either way, it's probably time to research who in your support network you could talk to - a school therapist, a priest, maybe even a psychiatrist if you're genuinely worried. It's not just okay to reach out, it's occasionally absolutely necessary.
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  27. - Top - End - #417
    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    So I want to share some good news with you guys. I've posted here before with regards to depression and lack of will to live (not suicidal).

    After years of trying to find a depression solution that works, I took some advice and fit some blood work done.

    I don't have depression! Our rather, it's not the dominant force. My ptuitary gland apparently decide Testosterone was no longer important post puberty. I was dangerously low. Low enough that my doctor didn't want to wait for confirmation blood work and started treatment!

    In six weeks I should feel normal. After one to two years we stop treatment to see if my gland reset. If not repeat.

    I'm already feeling better, and I'm still in the mood swing phase.
    You can call me Sivarias or Siv.

    Message me some time, I'd love to hear your story, and if you want, I can even tell you mine.

    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone
    F.A.T.A.L. doesn't so much as scrape up against the Forum Rules as take a flying leap over the edge screaming 'GERONIMO'.

  28. - Top - End - #418
    Titan in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    Quote Originally Posted by Glass Mouse View Post
    That sounds really scary. What do you mean by "nuts"? Either way, it's probably time to research who in your support network you could talk to - a school therapist, a priest, maybe even a psychiatrist if you're genuinely worried. It's not just okay to reach out, it's occasionally absolutely necessary.
    I mean I'm afraid of transforming into a giant legume.

  29. - Top - End - #419
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    dehro's Avatar

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    May 2007
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    don't think of it as a legume.. think of it as a fart machine.
    on a more serious note.. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.. or even where to start giving any kind of advice.. or that it is my our place to give any other than to see someone qualified to deal with this IRL.
    All hail Smutmulch for crafting my avatar!
    Quote Originally Posted by kpenguin View Post
    Cursed zombies are more realistic.
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    the Badass Monkby Avi. Aktarus by Chd. Dehro by Wojiz


  30. - Top - End - #420
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Jul 2012

    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 5

    WarKitty-

    Just wanted to wish you a belated housewarming. Hope your new abode is a comfortable and homey place to nest.

    -Best

    Quote Originally Posted by WarKitty View Post
    Well, I have a lease move-in dec 1.

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