Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Tvtyrant]

Many responses, telling me that acting stupid is a very stupid thing to do. That sounds about right. Lot's of suggestions which I should probably follow but they probably require bravery, especially being honest with my parents. I have recontacted the last person I blocked and we talked a fair amount last night. Everyone else I know I am not certain what to say. People I do see on the bus never initiate conversation. Someone I used to consider a good friend has not responded to nondesperate messages for a long time. And I still face anxiety about approaching new people.

For therapy stuff, I should probably try and see the psychologist again, find out if my quite rants to myself about him have any substance or if they are just half mad musings. I only see my psychiatrist for about half an hour every three months. Half as much as my hairdresser. I should avoid lying next time.

Video games are not a huge problem at this point because my computer is sort of broken.

Ultimately I don't know what I will do.

The least confrontational way is to simply ask to see your psychiatrist sooner/asap. I don't know your age and if you need your parents to set it up or not but either way do it quickly and be honest with your psyc.

Going off meds is a big deal with depression medication, and you need professional evaluation to know what to do next (we aren't doctors here). If you are going to be honest with two people in life, it is yourself and your doctor.

[Grytorm]

I mentioned games not necessarily because I saw them as a problem, but because I mentioned computer problems in relation to games before and someone said they could be a problem.

Still haven't recontacted therapy, but I might start on meds again soon. Talking to friends is difficult. I've started trying to regularily talk to the one person who consistently replies. But for anyone else. No idea. A bunch of people I used to think of as friends never reliably responded to attempts to communicate so I gave up hope on them. Barely anyone my age rides the bus anymore. And they don't start conversations with me. I can start conversations with some of my classmates but I don't know what to do with a conversation. I should maybe just regularly start message conversations with classmates from high school. But those always seem so shallow. I don't know how to keep those going.

[Mith]

I mentioned games not necessarily because I saw them as a problem, but because I mentioned computer problems in relation to games before and someone said they could be a problem.

Still haven't recontacted therapy, but I might start on meds again soon. Talking to friends is difficult. I've started trying to regularily talk to the one person who consistently replies. But for anyone else. No idea. A bunch of people I used to think of as friends never reliably responded to attempts to communicate so I gave up hope on them. Barely anyone my age rides the bus anymore. And they don't start conversations with me. I can start conversations with some of my classmates but I don't know what to do with a conversation. I should maybe just regularly start message conversations with classmates from high school. But those always seem so shallow. I don't know how to keep those going.

Do you have any group hobbies that you enjoy doing that there could be a club/organisation for? A regular social event could help with social akwardness as you have an inclusive environment to interact with people and watch other people as well to get a better feel for converstion flow.

[WarKitty]

Ok so this is me trying to be a little more practical. Anyone reading is free to bug me in a week or two about it. We're calling these "sanity goals."

- 3 meals a day. At least 2 meals must contain some form of protein (mac and cheese does not qualify). Only 1 meal may contain pasta. 1 fruit and 1 vegetable must be included per day.

- Bedtime should be at 10:30AM, in consideration of my shift. This means any work that is not necessary to be done right then stops at 10am. Get up at 6:30PM.

- Cat gets fed, on schedule, at 10AM and 7PM, in order to provide consistency.

We're going to leave it there for now . There's more to be done, but I figure that eating and sleeping consistently is the first order of business.

[Florian]

I mentioned games not necessarily because I saw them as a problem, but because I mentioned computer problems in relation to games before and someone said they could be a problem.

Still haven't recontacted therapy, but I might start on meds again soon. Talking to friends is difficult. I've started trying to regularily talk to the one person who consistently replies. But for anyone else. No idea. A bunch of people I used to think of as friends never reliably responded to attempts to communicate so I gave up hope on them. Barely anyone my age rides the bus anymore. And they don't start conversations with me. I can start conversations with some of my classmates but I don't know what to do with a conversation. I should maybe just regularly start message conversations with classmates from high school. But those always seem so shallow. I don't know how to keep those going.

Well, welcome to the downward spiral. No friends - depression, depression - no friends. You know you should take your meds, as they take the edge off of a depression and make things a little bit more bearable. So do it.

Accept that depressed people are not really fun to have around or hang out with and it takes special and very tolerant friends to keep dealing with it, so never count on it.

Social skills need training and patience. Both can be learned, but it takes some time.

Maybe you should do some volunteer work. Church, NGOs, youth wing of a political party, no matter, it´s a way to pass time, get in contact with people of different age groups that you don't know (and they don't know you and have no negative preconception of you). Beats playing video games and desperately watching your facebook account for activity.

[Mith]

Ok so this is me trying to be a little more practical. Anyone reading is free to bug me in a week or two about it. We're calling these "sanity goals."

- 3 meals a day. At least 2 meals must contain some form of protein (mac and cheese does not qualify). Only 1 meal may contain pasta. 1 fruit and 1 vegetable must be included per day.

- Bedtime should be at 10:30AM, in consideration of my shift. This means any work that is not necessary to be done right then stops at 10am. Get up at 6:30PM.

- Cat gets fed, on schedule, at 10AM and 7PM, in order to provide consistency.

We're going to leave it there for now . There's more to be done, but I figure that eating and sleeping consistently is the first order of business.

Good goals. This sort of schedule keep any shift worker sane.

[Velaryon]

I mentioned games not necessarily because I saw them as a problem, but because I mentioned computer problems in relation to games before and someone said they could be a problem.

Still haven't recontacted therapy, but I might start on meds again soon. Talking to friends is difficult. I've started trying to regularily talk to the one person who consistently replies. But for anyone else. No idea. A bunch of people I used to think of as friends never reliably responded to attempts to communicate so I gave up hope on them. Barely anyone my age rides the bus anymore. And they don't start conversations with me. I can start conversations with some of my classmates but I don't know what to do with a conversation. I should maybe just regularly start message conversations with classmates from high school. But those always seem so shallow. I don't know how to keep those going.

It's good that you've got one person you are able to stay in contact with, but it sounds like that's online-only. That's better than nothing, but it doesn't provide the same level of connected-ness as socializing in person.
As for the other friends who haven't been responding - do they live far away? Maybe you could offer to meet for lunch sometime, or see a movie together or something? Some people are just bad at staying in touch, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't still want to be friends. Or maybe that is what's going on, there's no way for a third party like me to be sure. Either way, you could use some new friends.

Florian had a good suggestion about looking for volunteer opportunities. In addition to the places he mentioned, I'd like to add local libraries, soup kitchens or shelters as possible volunteer opportunities.

If that's not your thing, maybe you can find a local discussion group at your local library. They may also have groups that meet for other activities (a lot of libraries might have knitting or crocheting clubs, for example). Even if they don't, they might have a bulletin board for local events around town, which could give you more ideas. Or if you have a FLGS in town, you might be able to hook up with a gaming group, or play board games at the store or something.

[WarKitty]

Good goals. This sort of schedule keep any shift worker sane.

Food/sleep goals will have to be delayed a few days now, until I get over...whatever I currently have. It's hard to stick to your sleep schedule when getting up to take meds halfway through.

[Grytorm]

For the people nearby who don't respond, actually it was mostly one person who lives about ten minutes away. I used to think we were good friends, but i have no real idea. She was pretty busy with things and I probably tried messaging her too much. But ultimately I gave up. It seemed like it was better to just give up on having any real interaction rather than trying and failing repeatedly.

[Mith]

For the people nearby who don't respond, actually it was mostly one person who lives about ten minutes away. I used to think we were good friends, but i have no real idea. She was pretty busy with things and I probably tried messaging her too much. But ultimately I gave up. It seemed like it was better to just give up on having any real interaction rather than trying and failing repeatedly.

If the one avenue doesn't work, look and see what other avenues are available to you.

[Grytorm]

If the one avenue doesn't work, look and see what other avenues are available to you.

By that do you mean I should try other approaching the supposed friend more or try other venues of socialization.

[Tvtyrant]

By that do you mean I should try other approaching the supposed friend more or try other venues of socialization.

The latter. I am sure you could, for instance, chat with any number of people on here.

[Tvtyrant]

Putting my dog down in the morning. She was the dumbest, laziest dog I have ever known but I can't stop crying.

[Comrade]

I'm so sorry to hear that, man. That's always a brutal decision to have to make, even when you know it's ultimately for the best for your pet.

[Tvtyrant]

I'm so sorry to hear that, man. That's always a brutal decision to have to make, even when you know it's ultimately for the best for your pet.

It is horrible because it could have been prevented. She is a mastiff, and is too large to carry at six feet 300lbs. Her leg broke badly, is terribly inflamed and she has stopped eating, drinking or taking her pills. We were hoisting her using blankets to go outside but now she won't try and just screams if we move her. She keeps going into convulsions too...

My aunt's poodle lived 12 years after losing his eyes, our mastiff is dying a week after breaking her leg.

Candy died in her sleep last night.

[dehro]

@Tvtyrant
It's a sad moment, when we have to say goodbye to someone we consider part of our family, even when we know, rationally, that they can never outlive us. Hugs and condolences.


In other news, the doctor just told my grandpa, who is turning 98 in 7 days, that he probably has about 9-12 months left to live, because of cancer cells in a, this time, not operable place.
Normally, my grandad would give the doctor the finger, as he's been doing for the last 20+ years, whenever they've told him he had a tumor.
This time however it's serious because of where it's located, and having lost my grandmother some 1-2 years ago, I think the will to fight it may just have left my granddad.
My cousin, who was gearing up to get married in August, will be holding the civil cerimony much earlier, just to be sure he'll be there to see it, just like her sister did with my grandma, who also lived to see the civil cerimony but missed the religious one. Let's hope she didn't set a precedent.
Anyhoo, I'll be visiting him just after his birthday, in 2 weekends time. I hope to find him in good spirits...
More importantly, I suck at giving small talk and pats on the back in such occasions and I hope that I'll be able to give him some comfort without really giving him the feeling I'm saying goodbye. Living 1300 km away from him doesn't help.

[Velaryon]

Putting my dog down in the morning. She was the dumbest, laziest dog I have ever known but I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry. I've been through the same several times, and it never gets easier. My family lost one of our cats a couple months ago, and it still hurts. Even when it's the right thing to do, it's never easy.

In other news, the doctor just told my grandpa, who is turning 98 in 7 days, that he probably has about 9-12 months left to live, because of cancer cells in a, this time, not operable place.
Normally, my grandad would give the doctor the finger, as he's been doing for the last 20+ years, whenever they've told him he had a tumor.
This time however it's serious because of where it's located, and having lost my grandmother some 1-2 years ago, I think the will to fight it may just have left my granddad.
My cousin, who was gearing up to get married in August, will be holding the civil cerimony much earlier, just to be sure he'll be there to see it, just like her sister did with my grandma, who also lived to see the civil cerimony but missed the religious one. Let's hope she didn't set a precedent.
Anyhoo, I'll be visiting him just after his birthday, in 2 weekends time. I hope to find him in good spirits...
More importantly, I suck at giving small talk and pats on the back in such occasions and I hope that I'll be able to give him some comfort without really giving him the feeling I'm saying goodbye. Living 1300 km away from him doesn't help.

I'm sorry for your grandfather too. 98 is a pretty full life, but I'd imagine even then that it's hard news to receive. Is he still otherwise in good enough shape that he can get around, even with some help? This might be time to check off a few of those "always wanted to..." items from his life list, while there's still time. I hope when he does go, that it's peacefully while he's asleep. And I hope you have time to make your peace with the loss so that it hurts a bit less when it happens.

[dehro]

I'm sorry for your grandfather too. 98 is a pretty full life, but I'd imagine even then that it's hard news to receive. Is he still otherwise in good enough shape that he can get around, even with some help? This might be time to check off a few of those "always wanted to..." items from his life list, while there's still time. I hope when he does go, that it's peacefully while he's asleep. And I hope you have time to make your peace with the loss so that it hurts a bit less when it happens.

Oh, I think he's done his bucket list a few times over, what with enjoying some 40 years of retirement with his wife and still traveling across the globe in his late 80's... He's probably about ready to check out, so.. that's not a big worry or concern. In a sense I'm ok with the prospect, but there's still the whole "end of an era" notion, and the fact that with his passing, goes a sharp mind that has a remarkable memory for people and events occurred in his life.
When he wrote down how he escaped nazi occupation of the Netherlands for the organisation that records these things in relation to the jewish heritage institutions and historical societies, people came to him for clarification about a lot of names that were listed in his memoires and were part of resistance organisations. The wealth of details he was able to pass on were of quite some help to these organisations to map out precisely a troubled page in History. Most of those men and women have passed quite some time ago and even their relatives didn't know the finer details of things the way or were unable to deliver a direct testimony. That's the kind of things that I will miss the most about him, even though I get to hear some of these tales pretty much every time I see him over the last decade or so.
and I'll stop there... he's not dead yet, so.. no point in getting soppy ahead of time.

[Dire Moose]

Our beloved cat Midnight passed away today. She had been having problems eating, was throwing up all the time, and had lost a lot of weight.

We took her to the vet a couple times and found that she had a tumor in her stomach that was blocking her digestive tract. At her age of 12, almost 13, she wouldn't survive any attempt to remove it.

So she had to be put down. And now we're without a beloved member of our family. Midnight was a real sweetheart; whatever suspicions you may have about black cats never applied to her. She would curl up with us in bed and stay around us for comfort when we weren't feeling well. She's always been there for us and unfortunately now she isn't anymore. We're missing her a lot these days.

[HalfTangible]

Mom broke down crying again over both our dead dog and the seizure I had in October.

I hate having to be the strong one in the house. Dad's on the other side of the planet, Mom's a wreck, and Bro barely talks to me. And I can't bring any of this up with any of them because of the exact same things I just described!

[WarKitty]

Just...thinking over why the whole "boundaries" idea always bothered me.

When most people talk about boundaries, the way they talk assumes that the primary thing stopping you from having boundaries is fear of being mean or rude. That it's a matter of telling yourself that you deserve to have boundaries, it's ok for you to have boundaries, you aren't being inappropriate or hurting other people by having boundaries.

My experience is that, when I'm afraid to set boundaries, it's because I'm afraid to be hurt worse. A predominant lesson in my life has been "people with boundaries get hurt because people with more power don't like that." If you can't leave a situation, or if the cost to leave a situation would be extremely high, it can be safer to not have boundaries.

The boundaries talk always felt like telling someone who was complaining about being mugged that they have a right to their money and don't have to give it away just because someone asks. The latter statement is technically true, but it's also not particularly useful. Once you're in that situation, what you have a right to is not that relevant. But when I asked questions along the lines of "how do I avoid getting mugged so often," it seemed like the answers were "you need to learn that you have a right to decide what to do with your own money."

My experience with boundaries is more like - you can have boundaries, or you can be able to afford medical care. You can have boundaries, or you can have a chance to finish a degree that will let you get away. You can have boundaries, or you can have the support you need to get your job done. But you can't count on being able to have both. I have a hard time understanding how normal people put boundaries into practice, because in my experience actually doing what people who talk about boundaries recommend is how you end up being a target, and targeting people with boundaries is a normal enough behavior that you can't reasonably expect to get away from it.

I get the feeling I'm missing something, but so far I don't have an answer other than "my life has had a lot of terrible people for mostly inexplicable reasons." Which really isn't helpful, because it kind of leaves me in a spot of, I should expect the future to be radically different from the past for no particular reason.

[Florian]

@Warkitty:

Somehow, I keep repeating myself in the last few days. Again, this is a principal matter of whether you life in a individualistic or collectivistic society.
I'm used to the later and such things like functioning universal healthcare, unemployment payment, "poor laws", "minority protection laws" and such, in a society where it´s a non-issue to carry me for a while should I fall, no discussions. So yes, I can clearly draw my boundaries because society as a whole is on my side for doing so.

[Grytorm]

Well, I just had a thought. What if posting here isnt healthy and by doing so I treat my self created problems as fait acomopli. That by seeking advice I avoid stress of my bad decisions. I dont know.

Mostly I had the idea because I came in here almost happy to relate how I am trying to hide from classmates who suggested sitting with them.

[Tvtyrant]

Just...thinking over why the whole "boundaries" idea always bothered me.

When most people talk about boundaries, the way they talk assumes that the primary thing stopping you from having boundaries is fear of being mean or rude. That it's a matter of telling yourself that you deserve to have boundaries, it's ok for you to have boundaries, you aren't being inappropriate or hurting other people by having boundaries.

My experience is that, when I'm afraid to set boundaries, it's because I'm afraid to be hurt worse. A predominant lesson in my life has been "people with boundaries get hurt because people with more power don't like that." If you can't leave a situation, or if the cost to leave a situation would be extremely high, it can be safer to not have boundaries.

The boundaries talk always felt like telling someone who was complaining about being mugged that they have a right to their money and don't have to give it away just because someone asks. The latter statement is technically true, but it's also not particularly useful. Once you're in that situation, what you have a right to is not that relevant. But when I asked questions along the lines of "how do I avoid getting mugged so often," it seemed like the answers were "you need to learn that you have a right to decide what to do with your own money."

My experience with boundaries is more like - you can have boundaries, or you can be able to afford medical care. You can have boundaries, or you can have a chance to finish a degree that will let you get away. You can have boundaries, or you can have the support you need to get your job done. But you can't count on being able to have both. I have a hard time understanding how normal people put boundaries into practice, because in my experience actually doing what people who talk about boundaries recommend is how you end up being a target, and targeting people with boundaries is a normal enough behavior that you can't reasonably expect to get away from it.

I get the feeling I'm missing something, but so far I don't have an answer other than "my life has had a lot of terrible people for mostly inexplicable reasons." Which really isn't helpful, because it kind of leaves me in a spot of, I should expect the future to be radically different from the past for no particular reason.

The part you are missing is that you have been trained by your abusive parent to believe that it is the boundary establishing attempts that cause you to be abused, and not them. Abuse teaches you to be afraid of confronting your abuser, and that any attempt at ending the abuse will lead to worse abuse.

Which is why having your own place hasn't helped you, because you have been trained to believe that any confrontation will make things worse so even now that you are in a position of absolute power you are too afraid to use it. It is why people go back to their abusers, and why escape is so hard.

Rationally the worst thing your Mom can do to you is what she is doing now, and you could stop it at any time with a few phone calls. But emotionally you are afraid that things will get worse if you don't cave. That is what your Mom wants you to feel, which is why she shows up at your home and work.

To make things better you are going to need to be brave, bear the fallout from saying no and possibly calling the police. But you have the power here, and without using it you are never going to be free.

[dehro]

Well, I just had a thought. What if posting here isnt healthy and by doing so I treat my self created problems as fait acomopli. That by seeking advice I avoid stress of my bad decisions. I dont know.

Mostly I had the idea because I came in here almost happy to relate how I am trying to hide from classmates who suggested sitting with them.

NO!
You feeling happy to relate something that's in fact a negative thing and then feeling frustrated because we tell you exactly what it is, is trying to validate a negative thought pattern by invalidating a place/bunch of people/set of observations that are instrumental to your best interest and betterment.
In other words, the voice that's telling you "see? These people and their advice are bad for you and you should stay away from them" is the same voice that's telling you that burning bridges and removing people from your life or stopping to reach out are good ideas.
They are not!
You're dealing with something that you can't tackle on your own, without friends, human interaction, a professional help. Taking away 2 out of 3 of these options of your own volition really is like shooting yourself in the face to get rid of a cold.
The thought you say you just had is a rotten and dewatering hairball that would like nothing better than to absorb anything that could be helpful in any way and remove those things from your reach, so that you stay comfortable, numb and forever prey to whatever other thoughts make you unable to function in society.
Do not give in.

Also go sit with your classmates who reach out to you before they stop reaching out to you. There's a very good chance that they are going to be more important in your life than those people you share a bus ride with

[2D8HP]

Last night I dreamt that I rode a motorcycle again, something that I haven't done since before my son was born a little over 13 years ago (I worked at a motorcycle shop for seven years, and knew many who've been killed while riding).

It was a very vivid dream and a remember the sensation of shifting gears in particular.

I sometimes miss riding.

Bicycling is a good substitute, but I seldom find time to do that or my other passion, reading books.

I also dreamt of my father, instead of being in the psych ward he was at his home, he was lucid but he still had the same look of anger that he had when I last saw him.

I've noticed that my posts have been excessively cranky or silly lately, but this one is just maudlin.

[No brains]

I sort of want to talk about something bothering me, but a component of that something is a feeling that what I talk about matters to no one. I'm just grasping at something because I'm aware this will be a destructive loop.

@ Warkitty: Have you made any progress on your sanity goals? I hope they are working for you.

[dehro]

I sort of want to talk about something bothering me, but a component of that something is a feeling that what I talk about matters to no one. I'm just grasping at something because I'm aware this will be a destructive loop.

write about it here...it's a pretty safe bet that it will matter enough to someone for them to reply.

[WarKitty]

I sort of want to talk about something bothering me, but a component of that something is a feeling that what I talk about matters to no one. I'm just grasping at something because I'm aware this will be a destructive loop.

@ Warkitty: Have you made any progress on your sanity goals? I hope they are working for you.

Getting there slowly, but getting the flu disrupted them pretty badly for a bit. Kind of hard to focus on eating and sleeping well when you're sick to your stomach, swallowing hurts half the time, and you keep waking yourself up coughing or just plain unable to breathe due to snot.

But I have the next week off to focus on organizing things.

[The Fury]

I've been hesitant to share this-- it's something small, stupid and it shouldn't be bothering me, but it does. I'm sorry, but it does require a little context-- In roleplaying groups, I'm usually the one that's there to round out the party. So with that being said, if my schedule starts to become an issue, I'll usually be replaced and not invited back. Which is fine, it happens.

In my current group, my schedule ended up pushing the starting session back three whole weeks. I could already tell that I was going to be a problem, so I offered to quit in order to spare the group that hassle of trying to figure out a diplomatic way of kicking me out. After all, there were at least a couple people out there that could replace me. Everyone was quick to say, "No, you don't have to quit!" "It won't be the same without you, The Fury!"

At that point I learned that this group didn't want me around because I was somehow convenient, they wanted me around because they actually liked me. And I don't know how I feel about that. What the hell is the matter with me that I have such a hard time accepting people being nice to me?

I'm sorry. Y'all don't have to say anything if you don't want to.