Personal Woes and Advice 5

[Crow]

I've been hesitant to share this-- it's something small, stupid and it shouldn't be bothering me, but it does. I'm sorry, but it does require a little context-- In roleplaying groups, I'm usually the one that's there to round out the party. So with that being said, if my schedule starts to become an issue, I'll usually be replaced and not invited back. Which is fine, it happens.

In my current group, my schedule ended up pushing the starting session back three whole weeks. I could already tell that I was going to be a problem, so I offered to quit in order to spare the group that hassle of trying to figure out a diplomatic way of kicking me out. After all, there were at least a couple people out there that could replace me. Everyone was quick to say, "No, you don't have to quit!" "It won't be the same without you, The Fury!"

At that point I learned that this group didn't want me around because I was somehow convenient, they wanted me around because they actually liked me. And I don't know how I feel about that. What the hell is the matter with me that I have such a hard time accepting people being nice to me?

I'm sorry. Y'all don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

Accepting that people want to be around you because they actually like you is sort of like being able to take a compliment. For some it comes naturally, while for others it is something you have to learn to do. You don't need to feel like there is anything the matter with you. It is just the way you are, and it is way more common than popular culture would have you believe.

You're fine. :)

[2D8HP]

[....]they wanted me around because they actually liked me. And I don't know how I feel about that. What the hell is the matter with me that I have such a hard time accepting people being nice to me?[....]

Seems simple enough.

If someone likes you and considers you a friend, then you may feel that you should be a friend to them, and being a friend and caring about others happiness is a pain because the more you care about them the harder it is to be happy if you perceive that they're not happy.

Because of that not wanting to be friends seems rational to me, but I'm pretty anti-social and while I act "friendly" I no longer seek or keep friends, I look for bartenders and booksellers instead.

[S@tanicoaldo]

At that point I learned that this group didn't want me around because I was somehow convenient, they wanted me around because they actually liked me. And I don't know how I feel about that. What the hell is the matter with me that I have such a hard time accepting people being nice to me?

I'm sorry. Y'all don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

It shows you have low self steem, you think "Wow this person is great." and also think "I'm horrible and disgusting." so you go "Wait that perfect person likes me? How come? I'm horrible, there must be something wrong with them, this won't do".

If they like you is because they see the good bits in you that maybe you don't see yourself, try to reflect on the positive things you have that made them atracted to you.

[WarKitty]

It shows you have low self steem, you think "Wow this person is great." and also think "I'm horrible and disgusting." so you go "Wait that perfect person likes me? How come? I'm horrible, there must be something wrong with them, this won't do".

If they like you is because they see the good bits in you that maybe you don't see yourself, try to reflect on the positive things you have that made them atracted to you.

To add on to that, if you have low self esteem, it's easy to think "they just don't really know me yet." You end up being afraid that at some point the real you will come out with all the flaws you see in the mirror and none of the good points that you don't notice.

[S@tanicoaldo]

To add on to that, if you have low self esteem, it's easy to think "they just don't really know me yet." You end up being afraid that at some point the real you will come out with all the flaws you see in the mirror and none of the good points that you don't notice.

Yeah, but don't worry...



And by here I mean everywhere. ^_^

[The Fury]

Thanks for what you've all said-- err, typed. If I don't bother to reply to you, I mean no offense. I just couldn't think of anything to say.

Accepting that people want to be around you because they actually like you is sort of like being able to take a compliment. For some it comes naturally, while for others it is something you have to learn to do. You don't need to feel like there is anything the matter with you. It is just the way you are, and it is way more common than popular culture would have you believe.

I can't really take compliments either. I like to think I'm getting better about not outright rejecting compliments and hurting peoples' feelings because of it. Actually taking a compliment to heart is more than I can manage though.

You're fine. :)

I'm glad you think so. I don't feel that way, but thanks for that.

Seems simple enough.

If someone likes you and considers you a friend, then you may feel that you should be a friend to them, and being a friend and caring about others happiness is a pain because the more you care about them the harder it is to be happy if you perceive that they're not happy.

My friends seem happy enough, in fact they're doing a lot better than me at the moment. I'm just not sure if I like people caring about me though. Objectively, I know that this is a good thing. It's just not something that I'm used to, so to me it's confusing.

It shows you have low self steem, you think "Wow this person is great." and also think "I'm horrible and disgusting." so you go "Wait that perfect person likes me? How come? I'm horrible, there must be something wrong with them, this won't do".

If they like you is because they see the good bits in you that maybe you don't see yourself, try to reflect on the positive things you have that made them atracted to you.

If I'm being honest, I do have low self-esteem. If I'm being brutally honest, I have full-on self-loathing. I'm sure that I do have qualities that they like, and I've always been bad at seeing my own redeeming traits. I really do love my friends and I want them to be happy, just having that feeling returned in kind is... weird and I can't decide how I feel about it.

To add on to that, if you have low self esteem, it's easy to think "they just don't really know me yet." You end up being afraid that at some point the real you will come out with all the flaws you see in the mirror and none of the good points that you don't notice.

I don't know if I'm worried about that. One person in this friend group is someone I admit that I don't know all that well. The others... I've been friends with them for almost ten years. I think they've seen most of my flaws by now.

[Florian]

If I'm being brutally honest, I have full-on self-loathing.

Well, one way to find out would be to get in touch with your local SM scene and offer yourself as a Sub. That experience often manages to separate the wheat from the chaff, as surprisingly few people like to be treated according to their own self-respect and feeling. Others find their pleasure and an enormous amount of strength in that, so YMMV.

[JNAProductions]

I've been hesitant to share this-- it's something small, stupid and it shouldn't be bothering me, but it does. I'm sorry, but it does require a little context-- In roleplaying groups, I'm usually the one that's there to round out the party. So with that being said, if my schedule starts to become an issue, I'll usually be replaced and not invited back. Which is fine, it happens.

In my current group, my schedule ended up pushing the starting session back three whole weeks. I could already tell that I was going to be a problem, so I offered to quit in order to spare the group that hassle of trying to figure out a diplomatic way of kicking me out. After all, there were at least a couple people out there that could replace me. Everyone was quick to say, "No, you don't have to quit!" "It won't be the same without you, The Fury!"

At that point I learned that this group didn't want me around because I was somehow convenient, they wanted me around because they actually liked me. And I don't know how I feel about that. What the hell is the matter with me that I have such a hard time accepting people being nice to me?

I'm sorry. Y'all don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

*Offers hugs*

It'll take some practice, but learn to accept compliments. Don't just blindly bask in adoration, of course, but when people sincerely think you're cool or awesome or smart or nice or whatever, let yourself feel good.

I wish I knew exactly what to say to help, but I don't. Best wishes, though!

[Jormengand]

I think I'm going insane and the mental health services in this country are useless. They cancelled my appointment because of the snow, it's already been months, and I have no idea when they'll re-schedule it to. I'm hallucinating worse, getting impulsive and irritable, and I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown soon. All of the specialist mental health accomodation I could go to doesn't think I'm crazy enough, everywhere else thinks I'm too crazy, and I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm having breakdowns regularly and "seek help" is something I've already done and I don't know what to do any more.

The constant struggles with being treated as a deviant - or people acting like wanting to be treated like an actual human being is just my opinion - don't help any.

Oh and I keep trying to work on my game design but hitting stumbling blocks and the fact that I'm very soon not going to have the energy left to do it at all is hitting me in the face. Like I should have got this system that I'm working on done two weeks ago and it'll probably actually be finished in... a couple months, more like? But it's only got a few days' work left in it, I'll just be that slow and I don't know how to make myself put words on a page and I'm running out of inspiration.

I'm starting a new job soon but I'm like 90% sure I'll have a breakdown in the first week and not be able to continue. Bleh.

Technically don't have anywhere to live at the moment. In reality back at my dad's house until I find somewhere permanent... but I absolutely could have been on the streets all this time, which scares me on the basis that he's probably not going to put up with me much longer.

I have more problems than these but putting them down on a page is impossible. My mind fails to produce the words.

I feel like I'm not good at anything. I look at my old work and just groan at how much work I'd need to fix it. I think I'm technically good at some things? But it never seems to be the kind of good that makes money or impresses anyone or really does anything apart from gets a few people on the internet to say they enjoy it.

And a lot of people on the internet to say they hate it.

I have no self-esteem so it hurts even when people criticise my work in good faith.

It's a struggle to be in so many minorities because people criticise me in bad faith. I wish I could go out in public without being harassed.

I feel unattractive. I have four lovers but none of them is near me. They insist I'm beautiful. Or handsome. Or whatever. As appropriate. I don't feel it.

One of my lovers feels jealous of one of the others, even though they were the one who suggested an open relationship in the first place.

I'm worried because my girlfriend hates herself.

I'm worried because I hate myself too.

I know that I need help and the ways of getting that help have been systemically destroyed in ways that I can't talk about on this forsaken forum because talking about anything that might possibly have relevance to anyone's real lives has been pre-emptively forbidden.

Am I rambling? Yes. Is there anything anyone can do about it? Hell no.

I have fantasies that worry me, not because I think I might do the things in question but because I've been taught by everyone that having them makes me irrevocably evil.

I remember committing some of the vilest acts a human can commit. For years, I believed those memories were real.

I believed I was the kind of person who would do those things.

I still do.

I wish I could make the world a better place. In reality, I probably just hurt people.

I guess that dying would hurt people even more, so I won't.

For now.

I guess that I think that writing this out in these short paragraphs has some kind of dramatic effect?

Maybe. Maybe it just makes me look edgy.

I hate the word edgy. I think I started hating it even more when the poster-boy for edgy music killed himself.

By "Edgy" do you mean that they're actually singing about stuff that affects real people?

People had the courage to speak about this stuff and you just went "Oh it's so bloody edgy"?

Anyway. I really am rambling now. I don't even know what I want help with.

I don't know if anyone even knows what I'm trying to say. I sure don't.

I guess... just, say something, anything, meaningful and helpful.

And now I'm crying for no reason.

I would end this post with just an expletive starting with F if it weren't for the board filter.

[Icewraith]

I think I'm going insane and the mental health services in this country are useless. They cancelled my appointment because of the snow, it's already been months, and I have no idea when they'll re-schedule it to. I'm hallucinating worse, getting impulsive and irritable, and I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown soon. All of the specialist mental health accomodation I could go to doesn't think I'm crazy enough, everywhere else thinks I'm too crazy, and I don't know what to do or how to do it. I'm having breakdowns regularly and "seek help" is something I've already done and I don't know what to do any more.

The constant struggles with being treated as a deviant - or people acting like wanting to be treated like an actual human being is just my opinion - don't help any.

Oh and I keep trying to work on my game design but hitting stumbling blocks and the fact that I'm very soon not going to have the energy left to do it at all is hitting me in the face. Like I should have got this system that I'm working on done two weeks ago and it'll probably actually be finished in... a couple months, more like? But it's only got a few days' work left in it, I'll just be that slow and I don't know how to make myself put words on a page and I'm running out of inspiration.

I'm starting a new job soon but I'm like 90% sure I'll have a breakdown in the first week and not be able to continue. Bleh.

Technically don't have anywhere to live at the moment. In reality back at my dad's house until I find somewhere permanent... but I absolutely could have been on the streets all this time, which scares me on the basis that he's probably not going to put up with me much longer.

I have more problems than these but putting them down on a page is impossible. My mind fails to produce the words.

I feel like I'm not good at anything. I look at my old work and just groan at how much work I'd need to fix it. I think I'm technically good at some things? But it never seems to be the kind of good that makes money or impresses anyone or really does anything apart from gets a few people on the internet to say they enjoy it.

And a lot of people on the internet to say they hate it.

I have no self-esteem so it hurts even when people criticise my work in good faith.

It's a struggle to be in so many minorities because people criticise me in bad faith. I wish I could go out in public without being harassed.

I feel unattractive. I have four lovers but none of them is near me. They insist I'm beautiful. Or handsome. Or whatever. As appropriate. I don't feel it.

One of my lovers feels jealous of one of the others, even though they were the one who suggested an open relationship in the first place.

I'm worried because my girlfriend hates herself.

I'm worried because I hate myself too.

I know that I need help and the ways of getting that help have been systemically destroyed in ways that I can't talk about on this forsaken forum because talking about anything that might possibly have relevance to anyone's real lives has been pre-emptively forbidden.

Am I rambling? Yes. Is there anything anyone can do about it? Hell no.

I have fantasies that worry me, not because I think I might do the things in question but because I've been taught by everyone that having them makes me irrevocably evil.

I remember committing some of the vilest acts a human can commit. For years, I believed those memories were real.

I believed I was the kind of person who would do those things.

I still do.

I wish I could make the world a better place. In reality, I probably just hurt people.

I guess that dying would hurt people even more, so I won't.

For now.

I guess that I think that writing this out in these short paragraphs has some kind of dramatic effect?

Maybe. Maybe it just makes me look edgy.

I hate the word edgy. I think I started hating it even more when the poster-boy for edgy music killed himself.

By "Edgy" do you mean that they're actually singing about stuff that affects real people?

People had the courage to speak about this stuff and you just went "Oh it's so bloody edgy"?

Anyway. I really am rambling now. I don't even know what I want help with.

I don't know if anyone even knows what I'm trying to say. I sure don't.

I guess... just, say something, anything, meaningful and helpful.

And now I'm crying for no reason.

I would end this post with just an expletive starting with F if it weren't for the board filter.

Well here's one thing you said that I absolutely can address.

Having fantasies about doing horrible things to people sounds really familiar.

I have PTSD, and aside from dealing with actual flashbacks to past unpleasant events in my life, my brain "catastrophizes". It basically comes up with extra random horrible scenarios that I need to survive in. So sometimes I suddenly realize I'm more-or-less fantasizing about how to inflict Tarantino levels of violence on a random person and I don't want to be thinking like this.

I don't know exactly what you deal with, but I suspect if you've had a rough time mentally this might be similar.

Having these kinds of thoughts does not make you evil- especially if your mental difficulties have anything related to anxiety. You don't have as much control as you would like about what and how you think. You do ultimately have control over what actions you take in the real world.

So no, I'm not going to crush my co-worker's skull with a metal cylinder that is currently a half-step out of my reach because 1) he's not actually doing any of the things he was doing in the ... sequence I just experienced (I wish I was making this up) and he would be insane to try them in real life and 2) I choose not to and I don't actually want to do that. But, way to go PTSD brain, I now have a counterattack plan for if I'm attacked near this desk.

I figured something like that was going to happen if I decided to post this response, but I decided it was worth it. See? Horrible violent fantasy, no action, not going to happen. Mental issue: yes, action taken: no, evil: no.

I should note that to avoid feeding my brain new and novel scenarios to catastrophize I've significantly cut down my intake of media depicting humans inflicting realistic or semi-realistic violence on each other, and I avoid anything in the horror genre. I also significantly limit my alcohol intake, just in case. I'm also not going to purposefully marinate in the violent fantasies when I do have them or encourage them even if I dislike the people involved, because that would put me on a path of wanting to act them out.

[Velaryon]

I'm not sure I have anything worthwhile to say to that, but I'm going to try anyway. If nothing else, maybe it will help a little bit that someone wants to try.

I agree that this is something you need help with, and it's absolutely infuriating that a mental health professional would dare cancel on someone in a situation like you're describing for something as petty as snow. I don't know where you live, but if there's less than three feet of snow on the ground, then there's no excuse for them canceling like that. If there's more than three feet of snow on the ground, the least they could have done is try to work with you on the phone or something. I hope to hell you can get in to see them soon, and that when you do, you aren't afraid to call them out for leaving you high and dry when you needed their help.

I'm familiar with the struggle of wanting to work on creative pursuits that you do have passion for, but feeling like you don't have the energy, and like someone broke in and stole all your motivation when you weren't looking. It's a paradoxical feeling, but it's very real and it sucks. Can you force yourself to devote 15-20 minutes per day to it? Sometimes when you sit down to work on it, you'll end up staring at nothing for the whole time and get nothing done, but once in awhile the dam may break and you will end up spending several hours and making real progress.

With regard to the new job, all you can do is try to do the best you can, and give yourself some kind of "pressure valve" to let off stress, like doing something you find relaxing after work, or screaming into a pillow or something. I don't know you well enough to suggest any specifics, but I wish you the best of luck there. If you start to feel Impostor Syndrome, do your best to remember that you are known to say unfair and bad things about yourself, and that you were chosen as the right candidate for this job.

People on the internet can easily have opinions on other people's work because they don't have to face any repercussions for what they say. Often they don't even put enough thought into what they say to know whether they really mean it or not. All of which is to say, unless they're giving you real engagement and feedback, their opinion is nothing more than verbal excrement. I know saying "it's meaningless, don't let it get to you" isn't really helpful, but just remember that they put a lot less effort into their criticism and thoughts about your work than you did.

Regrettably I cannot offer much advice on how to manage jealousy between your lovers, as I have precious little experience in romantic relationships, and none of it recent. If one of them is more important to you than the others (your girlfriend I guess?) then maybe it's worth revisiting the conversation that led to having an open relationship, and seeing if that's still something that you both want.

With regard to the fantasies you speak of, I obviously don't know the details. I will say that people, particularly online, are quick to judge those they don't know and throw around labels of morality that they barely even understand.

Clearly most of these issues are not new to you, so please remind yourself that you've done well to make it this far, especially with the caliber of help you've evidently been getting (that is to say, not very good help). If you can find it within you to be a little proud of surviving your internal onslaught, perhaps that will give you the strength to keep going until someone more knowledgeable on mental health issues can offer better assistance.

I don't know, I'm not sure what more I can say. I'm rooting for you. The hardest battle you'll ever face is the one against yourself, because no enemy knows you better or knows what buttons to push to really hurt you.

[Florian]

I guess... just, say something, anything, meaningful and helpful.

What's up with NHS and social security services on your side of the Channel? Sounds a bit weird to not be admitted to emergency mental treatment when you're quite positive that you've got an imminent melt-down incoming, not to talk about having actual illusions. You're still an EU citizen, so why don't you do what apparently is a common practice, take a short "holiday trip" to a country that offers good mental treatment and have your breakdown there?

[The Fury]

Well, one way to find out would be to get in touch with your local SM scene and offer yourself as a Sub. That experience often manages to separate the wheat from the chaff, as surprisingly few people like to be treated according to their own self-respect and feeling. Others find their pleasure and an enormous amount of strength in that, so YMMV.

...That was not advice that I was expecting. Though I'm pretty sure that I need to be reasonably attractive in order to be a sub, right? Or at least someone that a dom would find appealing. I'm not sure that I meet those criteria, plus I'll admit that I have a lot of sexual hangups.

*Offers hugs*

It'll take some practice, but learn to accept compliments. Don't just blindly bask in adoration, of course, but when people sincerely think you're cool or awesome or smart or nice or whatever, let yourself feel good.

I wish I knew exactly what to say to help, but I don't. Best wishes, though!

Aw. I never turn down internet hugs. I've been working on this for years, but I haven't made any real progress. Maybe I'm just more comfortable with people being indifferent towards me.


Jormengand, a lot of what you made mention of sounds a little too familiar. With that said I'm very grateful that you shared it. I feel a little less crazy knowing that someone else has felt similar to how I have.

Yeah, I know that probably wasn't why you shared and I'm sorry if I come off as rude. All the same, thank you. From the bottom of my cold black heart, thank you.

[Crow]

...That was not advice that I was expecting. Though I'm pretty sure that I need to be reasonably attractive in order to be a sub, right? Or at least someone that a dom would find appealing. I'm not sure that I meet those criteria, plus I'll admit that I have a lot of sexual hangups.

Well to be fair, I found it to be pretty bad advice; but its type is so endemic to this forum that I've come to expect it.

I would suggest building some confidence through development of a skill. Find something you can enjoy that has a low bar for entry, but a high skill cap, that has a community of similarly-interested people. Invest yourself in becoming very capable in it, and interface with others who practice it, to constantly be improving. Use the skill as a vehicle to participate in social interactions, and to become more comfortable with giving and receiving compliments and criticisms.

Starting a martial art could be one example, but there are other things you can do such as joining a workshop to learn carpentry, or even joining a billiards league at a local bar. Even dedicating yourself to becoming extremely good at your field of work can be a good (and rewarding) option. Find something you can really be good at, and make it your own, make it something you can teach to people who are just like you.

Or you might have already tried that- I don't know.

I just really don't think anybody who is bothered by issues of low self esteem should ever engage in activities that reinforce it. I think they should try to move in the other direction. I'm sure I'll get responses from somebody with all sorts of ongoing mental and emotional problems that I can't relate to telling me how I am wrong, and totally don't understand dom/sub club culture; Well, they can do whatever is "working" for them. I am just offering what worked for me.

[Recherché]

Oh sweet Pelor not again. From someone who actually is a sub, no. Just no. How attractive you are doesn't matter. Nor does your self esteem. Me finding other people ordering me around and controlling me hot in some situations has nothing to do with how I look or my self esteem. I am in fact perfectly capable of distinguishing between feelings that I am a horrible person who deserves to be hurt and the thought that it would be sexy for my girlfriend to order me around and call me a good girl. For starters in one of these scenarios it only happens if I ask for it and it stops the second I say the word. There is no evidence that people who are into kink are psychologically worse off and a couple of studies that suggest we're on par or better. The fact that you knew you were going to get flack for this Crow strongly suggests to me that you knew what you were about to say was offensive at best. At worst you're part of the reason why I have to be scared of losing my job if I was outed in my hobbies.

Meanwhile Fury if you're not interested in kink for its own sake then trying to force yourself is a pretty freaking bad idea. I don't have a perfect solution for self esteem issues but I find trying to be kind to myself and forgive myself helps. Trying to look at things as though I were on the outside and one of my friends instead of myself. Turns out its easier to be compassionate towards someone else than myself sometimes.

Spoiler: References

Show

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23679066
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/1...795.x/abstract

[Florian]

I am just offering what worked for me.

Thing is, we can repeat the same list of somewhat "time tested" 5 or 10 tips that you can usually also find in GQ or Men´s Health (They make a tidy profit with that), which sound good and solid, but will usually fail, especially when someone is already on the downward spiral. This gets more pronounced when you're living in a very competitive (social) environment that needs for some to be losers so the others can be winners, while maintaining the illusion that the losers can be the winners by training more and working harder. Utter BS, there's no Karate Kid.

So I think that when being "in the box" causes you stress and trouble, looking for solutions that are very much "outside the box" is at least a good try in the right direction.

[Liquor Box]

Thing is, we can repeat the same list of somewhat "time tested" 5 or 10 tips that you can usually also find in GQ or Men´s Health (They make a tidy profit with that), which sound good and solid, but will usually fail, especially when someone is already on the downward spiral. This gets more pronounced when you're living in a very competitive (social) environment that needs for some to be losers so the others can be winners, while maintaining the illusion that the losers can be the winners by training more and working harder. Utter BS, there's no Karate Kid.

So I think that when being "in the box" causes you stress and trouble, looking for solutions that are very much "outside the box" is at least a good try in the right direction.

I think Crow's advice was sound.

There is not a binary distinction between winners and losers in a social environment, instead there is a spectrum of how successful a person may be.

A person developing themself and putting themself out there (per the GQ advice) is not a magic formula that turns a loser into a winner, but it is likely to move them somewhat in the right direction.

Unless The Fury has indicated somewhere that he has some desire to be a sub, I think it is pretty poor advice to suggest that doing so would solve his self-esteem issues.

[Crow]

I've read this forum for years. I know exactly how well some of the "solutions" offered here work long-term. I see the same people offering these solutions in any number of regular threads going into detail about how messed up they think they (still) are. I'm not trying cut anyone specifically, this is not directed at Florian specifically. His suggestion was just an example of the kind of advice I often see around here; and the above are only my observations. Again, not referring to him specifically.

You'll excuse me if I feel like offering a different perspective. You are always free to do the same, and you will. If somebody finds that offensive; that's their prerogative.

Edit: Also, what Liquor Box said.

[Recherché]

I find a focus on winners and losers unhelpful. It feels like framing things that way encourages getting ahead at all costs instead of trying to build a comfortable life with those you care about. The pressure to be the best creates a world where most people are defined as losers and where its acceptable to hurt others in pursuit of being a winner because that's the only thing that matters. I'll take trying to build a community that's good to everyone over that everyday. It's not dramatic or flashy, sometimes its repetive, no one will ever recognize me, but its important nonetheless .

[Crow]

It isn't about trying to be the best. It is about trying to improve yourself. It isn't about framing everyone "better" as the winner, and everyone "worse" as the loser. It is about focusing inward and not using others to gauge your own success.

Your focus is on the development and enjoyment of the skill or craft, and judging your own progress in the way you want. Accepting that there will always be someone "better" or "worse", and they can learn different things from each other.

It can be tremendously rewarding to all involved. It is not a winner-loser dynamic, but a cooperative one. You share a skill, and people of all skill levels are helping those around them in that cooperative pursuit.

[Florian]

I find a focus on winners and losers unhelpful. It feels like framing things that way encourages getting ahead at all costs instead of trying to build a comfortable life with those you care about. The pressure to be the best creates a world where most people are defined as losers and where its acceptable to hurt others in pursuit of being a winner because that's the only thing that matters. I'll take trying to build a community that's good to everyone over that everyday. It's not dramatic or flashy, sometimes its repetive, no one will ever recognize me, but its important nonetheless .

Huh, I'm too sober to give a cynical answer to that, so no quoting Ayn Rand or Milton Friedman as a cheap way to reply. You're right and wrong at the same time. The overall goal should be that we, as a society, progress and prosper together, to have a common (or greater) good going. Problem with that is, that we have more or less chosen a very aggressive darwinian evolution and selection standard to find out what direction could be the right one.

Let me try to detail that a bit further. I'm in the brewing business and on that size and output, were all friends and allies, underdogs trying to go up against the major industry and leave a mark, change something. The information flow and active help in that community is actually great. Want to know a good source for cheap and quality tanks? Ran out of speciality yeast? Easy, your "neighbor" will help you out and you're something of a pariah if you wouldn't do the same for them.
Now we only really have four dominant retailers that manage a 72% coverage and you're either in or out, the difference between "industry" and "underdog", no grey area in between.

[Jormengand]

So sometimes I suddenly realize I'm more-or-less fantasizing about how to inflict Tarantino levels of violence on a random person and I don't want to be thinking like this.

I don't know exactly what you deal with, but I suspect if you've had a rough time mentally this might be similar.

It's not just violence. A lot of it is sexual. And violent.

Or just sexual in ways that it shouldn't be. With people it shouldn't be.

And it doesn't even feel bad... it feels right even though I know intellectually it's wrong.

And I'm scared of how people will react if I don't say explicitly that I know it's wrong and I'm not going to do it.

I lost my last home because of it anyway. Even though there was no chance I would do it.

Even though none of the people, none of the type of the person, who I thought about even lived there.

Because I thought about doing something bad.

My mind is too tired to formulate a proper 1984 reference.

I'm not sure I have anything worthwhile to say to that, but I'm going to try anyway. If nothing else, maybe it will help a little bit that someone wants to try.

I agree that this is something you need help with, and it's absolutely infuriating that a mental health professional would dare cancel on someone in a situation like you're describing for something as petty as snow. I don't know where you live, but if there's less than three feet of snow on the ground, then there's no excuse for them canceling like that. If there's more than three feet of snow on the ground, the least they could have done is try to work with you on the phone or something. I hope to hell you can get in to see them soon, and that when you do, you aren't afraid to call them out for leaving you high and dry when you needed their help.

There's less than three inch... oh, you said feet. Yes welcome to the UK we cannot handle snow. If there were three feet of snow everything would break. Like, everything in the entire country. Simultaneously.

Driving rain like a freaking Monsoon or something = just a spot of bad weather old chum.
Tiny bit of snow on the ground = oh don't go outside dear, you'll catch your death out there.

Bonus points if the rain is near-freezing and the snow is starting to thaw.

I'm familiar with the struggle of wanting to work on creative pursuits that you do have passion for, but feeling like you don't have the energy, and like someone broke in and stole all your motivation when you weren't looking. It's a paradoxical feeling, but it's very real and it sucks. Can you force yourself to devote 15-20 minutes per day to it? Sometimes when you sit down to work on it, you'll end up staring at nothing for the whole time and get nothing done, but once in awhile the dam may break and you will end up spending several hours and making real progress.

I do try to. I wrote a whole half a page yesterday!

...there are like maybe 30 more to go.

With regard to the new job, all you can do is try to do the best you can, and give yourself some kind of "pressure valve" to let off stress, like doing something you find relaxing after work, or screaming into a pillow or something. I don't know you well enough to suggest any specifics, but I wish you the best of luck there. If you start to feel Impostor Syndrome, do your best to remember that you are known to say unfair and bad things about yourself, and that you were chosen as the right candidate for this job.

It's a near-minimum-wage job, and I suspect that the only reason that it's not quite minimum wage is that it's an incentive to do a job that's so horrible. I imagine that I was pretty much the only person who actually applied, which is why I was picked, especially since they're in the middle of a staffing crisis.

People on the internet can easily have opinions on other people's work because they don't have to face any repercussions for what they say. Often they don't even put enough thought into what they say to know whether they really mean it or not. All of which is to say, unless they're giving you real engagement and feedback, their opinion is nothing more than verbal excrement. I know saying "it's meaningless, don't let it get to you" isn't really helpful, but just remember that they put a lot less effort into their criticism and thoughts about your work than you did.

I guess that it sucks looking at my old work - and by old sometimes I mean as little as a few months ago - and going "Ah yeah everything about this needs fixing."

Regrettably I cannot offer much advice on how to manage jealousy between your lovers, as I have precious little experience in romantic relationships, and none of it recent. If one of them is more important to you than the others (your girlfriend I guess?) then maybe it's worth revisiting the conversation that led to having an open relationship, and seeing if that's still something that you both want.

They're all important to me.

I love them all.

I could never lose them.

I am, fundamentally, polyamourous.

I just can't handle them being upset that I love someone else too.

How do you react when someone's jealous because you broke a rule that explicitly doesn't exist?

With regard to the fantasies you speak of, I obviously don't know the details. I will say that people, particularly online, are quick to judge those they don't know and throw around labels of morality that they barely even understand.

Oh god, yes.

So many pseudo-intellectuals.

So many armchair philosophers who read a book one day.

So many people who think they're the expert on everything just because they refuse to acknowledge when they're proven wrong.

Ladies, gentlemen, and people to whom that dichotomy is seeming more than a little trite, I present to you the Internet.

Clearly most of these issues are not new to you, so please remind yourself that you've done well to make it this far, especially with the caliber of help you've evidently been getting (that is to say, not very good help). If you can find it within you to be a little proud of surviving your internal onslaught, perhaps that will give you the strength to keep going until someone more knowledgeable on mental health issues can offer better assistance.

I dunno. I think I'd be prouder of being functional than of having survived being worthless.

I don't know, I'm not sure what more I can say. I'm rooting for you. The hardest battle you'll ever face is the one against yourself, because no enemy knows you better or knows what buttons to push to really hurt you.

Thanks. I think.

What's up with NHS and social security services on your side of the Channel? Sounds a bit weird to not be admitted to emergency mental treatment when you're quite positive that you've got an imminent melt-down incoming, not to talk about having actual illusions. You're still an EU citizen, so why don't you do what apparently is a common practice, take a short "holiday trip" to a country that offers good mental treatment and have your breakdown there?

The NHS is in crisis. I can't say why on this forum so I'll spare you the rant about our current government.

Mental health and trans-related care have even less funding.

I don't really have the money to go to Europe as a medical tourist honestly. I don't have the stability to know that I'll have anywhere to go when I come back, either.

You might also be overestimating my linguistic abilities as far as actually navigating another country's mental health services are concerned, of couse.

[WarKitty]

I've read this forum for years. I know exactly how well some of the "solutions" offered here work long-term. I see the same people offering these solutions in any number of regular threads going into detail about how messed up they think they (still) are. I'm not trying cut anyone specifically, this is not directed at Florian specifically. His suggestion was just an example of the kind of advice I often see around here; and the above are only my observations. Again, not referring to him specifically.

You'll excuse me if I feel like offering a different perspective. You are always free to do the same, and you will. If somebody finds that offensive; that's their prerogative.

Edit: Also, what Liquor Box said.

To be fair, I'm significantly less messed up than I was a few years ago. And I've been posting around here for a while. But...it took a few years.

[Florian]

You might also be overestimating my linguistic abilities as far as actually navigating another country's mental health services are concerned, of couse.

Schatz, you're sitting on your island. I've grown used to having whole city quarters in my capital where I can´t communicate in plain german. Effing town I live in (part of the greater Berlin area network) has a disproportionally high number of russians that were never assimilated and I had to learn that effing language to even order some high-quality minced meat in one of the local stores (Funny: I'm an "alien" because I hail from lower bavaria. My dialect is at times closer to french than plain german. It´s really some kind of heart-warming when that russian butcher tries to hail me with "Grüß Gott").
So when I head over to the Alex or Boxhagener Platz, I fully accept that english is the business language we speak, or actually try to learn the actual language to communicate at a good ramen shop.

The NHS is in crisis. I can't say why on this forum so I'll spare you the rant about our current government.

How bout a toast to the demise of Carillion? I propose a rum-based variant of the old fashioned, based on cuban Pacto Navio, Ukraine-based straight caramel and some locally produced soda?

To be fair, I'm significantly less messed up than I was a few years ago. And I've been posting around here for a while. But...it took a few years.

It takes a while to build up a certain amount of "scar tissue" and it will take even longer to strip that away, when it starts not being an amor but a limitation.

[Florian]

Being at the topic, something beer-related that actually troubles me and neither my partners nor me can come to a clear conclusion to this. Some input would be valuable.

Background knowledge: Town I live in is part of the extended Berlin region but not incorporated as a full borough or city quarter. We do have a certain image issue because the town was at the center of anything "evil" in the last century. Home of Prussian bureaucrats, major SS staging area, first concentration camp (KZ) and actually having two of them, followed by being a major STASI town and staging area in the former soviet states. Not a good record, but also a thing of the past.

End of the week, I was contacted by our city council with a request to work with our tourist chamber to offer some local and very local-based products to help boost our economy, with a sideline request coming over channels of my actual political party.

I´m struggling with that particular request right now. Having grown up in the BRD and with my political background, I tend to have a very marked and pronounced "anti" stance to certain things, on the other hand I know what the actual beer culture here is and how the former DDR overrode it and enforced certain changes, so there is that nagging itch to try and recreate the original and be successful with it.

Edit: Double problem. The original regional style is ... well... actually quite good when you've got the hang of it (even mix of lager and stout). Pilsener is actually the most easy to mass produce and was forced upon the area in DDR times, so people got used to it - problem is that this is what we´d have to actually compete against.

[sktarq]

I´m struggling with that particular request right now. Having grown up in the BRD and with my political background, I tend to have a very marked and pronounced "anti" stance to certain things, on the other hand I know what the actual beer culture here is and how the former DDR overrode it and enforced certain changes, so there is that nagging itch to try and recreate the original and be successful with it.

Edit: Double problem. The original regional style is ... well... actually quite good when you've got the hang of it (even mix of lager and stout). Pilsener is actually the most easy to mass produce and was forced upon the area in DDR times, so people got used to it - problem is that this is what we´d have to actually compete against.

Well if you go for the Lager/Stout kind....how hard would it be to say do a couple specialty runs for local events that focus on the local area (political party meetings, local fairs etc) as a test market? It would at least cover a favor to your local political party and government as well as allowing you to get a sense of the market in how people react. Also it would keep you from having to invest in the bottling, labeling, etc until you are sure you have a product people like.

[Florian]

Well if you go for the Lager/Stout kind....how hard would it be to say do a couple specialty runs for local events that focus on the local area (political party meetings, local fairs etc) as a test market? It would at least cover a favor to your local political party and government as well as allowing you to get a sense of the market in how people react. Also it would keep you from having to invest in the bottling, labeling, etc until you are sure you have a product people like.

That's not how it works. Modern production facilities are geared towards creating a certain output and are pretty inflexible when it comes to that. Food and hygiene laws force additional processes that you have to go though for a customer-safe product.

As such, our min/max output is pretty much fixed and I can´t do more or less than create 100K bottles in one production run. It has to be bottles as our pasteurization chamber can only handle that and they've got to be labeled as that is required by the law.

Only way around that would be outsourcing it to a smaller facility.

To be honest, that request scares me because it would force me to go up against some big league in the industry.

[sktarq]

That's not how it works. Modern production facilities are geared towards creating a certain output and are pretty inflexible when it comes to that. Food and hygiene laws force additional processes that you have to go though for a customer-safe product.

As such, our min/max output is pretty much fixed and I can´t do more or less than create 100K bottles in one production run. It has to be bottles as our pasteurization chamber can only handle that and they've got to be labeled as that is required by the law.

Only way around that would be outsourcing it to a smaller facility.

To be honest, that request scares me because it would force me to go up against some big league in the industry.

In short, due to your facility being optimized, hard.
I was thinking a number of small kegs (which would have legal minimal labels but no need for branding or public facing stuff, etc) measuring a few dozen would be ideal (5-10kL). . . pity.

actually I may recommend you talk to someone in the party/government (whoever generated the request) about helping you secure exposure/market..that they serve it at party functions local festivals etc. Not all of a run probably but enough to get your risk down to an acceptable level.

[Florian]

In short, due to your facility being optimized, hard.

Huh? How do you come to that conclusion? Beer production is actually a quite natural process, even on an industrial scale, unless were actually talking about denaturalized procedures and ingredients, which I don't. Each facility is geared towards handling a certain grain bill and specific gravity in the most natural way, especially when we talk about the german "Reinheitsgebot" as a proof of quality.

We are, how should I phrase that, not "optimized" at all. Our initial goal was to start with a Doppelbock and go up to 10% ABV from there, while keeping it all natural and refraining from "spiriting it up".

[sktarq]

Huh? How do you come to that conclusion? Beer production is actually a quite natural process, even on an industrial scale, unless were actually talking about denaturalized procedures and ingredients, which I don't. Each facility is geared towards handling a certain grain bill and specific gravity in the most natural way, especially when we talk about the german "Reinheitsgebot" as a proof of quality.

We are, how should I phrase that, not "optimized" at all. Our initial goal was to start with a Doppelbock and go up to 10% ABV from there, while keeping it all natural and refraining from "spiriting it up".

I never said making the beer would be hard (I homebrew-I get that part)
Matching the needs of the request will be in the lower risk manner I described, of sample batches for party/local government events until risk/rewards of a larger run are clear, that is hard. Mostly because your facility is not suited for it. Your facility being set up for 100K bottle run production with a tight minimum run/max run window is what I mean by optimized. You are not well set up for running a 20K bottle run or whatever some facilities (at least with wine, which is what I know better at the industrial scale) can more easily scale up or down (at the price of not being as efficient as a facility that handles the same batch size, specific mix type etc). This being why you would need to outsource such a run.

But why would this force you to compete with the majors any more than you are doing?