LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[Lentrax]

That's very true. My concern is just that it'll take a real long time, since these kinds of threads have slowed down over the years, and people are always gonna be in need of help. I guess I'm trying to argue that we should update it sooner rather than later, so the folk that need it can have it sooner rather than later.

So, in the interest of having it out there for everyone to have time to find and keep it relevant, I have made a new thread, here for everyone to be able to add themselves. That way, even those who may not pop in here like they used to, have somewhere to say that they are still willing to help out, even if they do't want to come back in here for whatever reason.

Sorry to hear that, Lentrax. I think I know how that feels like, and it really, really sucks. Are there any trans support groups around you? Sometimes it's helpful to talk to people who've dealt with similar situations, even if they can't provide therapy proper.

Sadly, I don't think such a pace exists where I am. But I will keep looking and hoping and see what I can do.

[137beth]

I'd be willing to be listed in the OP as someone who can talk about asexual and aromantic issues.

[Eldest]

So, in the interest of having it out there for everyone to have time to find and keep it relevant, I have made a new thread, here for everyone to be able to add themselves. That way, even those who may not pop in here like they used to, have somewhere to say that they are still willing to help out, even if they do't want to come back in here for whatever reason.

Wrong link. This is the one you wanted.

[Lentrax]

Huh. Well, thanks, Eldest.

[CWater]

Spoiler: tw depression, suicide, transphobia etc

Show

Since the beginning of this year, it is possible to get a third gender marker here in Germany, D for "diverse", and if you change your gender marker to d, you can also change your name. Sounds all great - but it's exclusively for biologically intersex people, you need a doctor's note confirming that you have a "irregularity of sex development". If you're nonbinary, you're out of luck.
And it's killing me. Before, I could sort of ignore that I'm legally still my AGAB, while hoping that one day I would be able to change it. But now I'm constantly reminded that it is possible - just not for me. I see job listings looking for [job] (m/w/d) that were [job] (m/w) before, I read articles about the first people in [city] who changed their gender marker to D, and I want to be happy about it but it's making me incredibly depressed. We were so close, the people who fought for this, all the trans and intersex organisations, they all tried to make it possible for NB people, and when the court ruling decided that we get a new gender marker, I was so hopeful. We were so close, but ****ty politicians decided that we can't have people deciding their own gender so now only intersex people get to be "diverse".
And I'm just... I feel crushed. This new law has torn open the old wound that is existing in a cissexist society just to rub salt into it. I'm not "trans enough" to change my name with the "transsexual law" (also that's extremely expensive), I'm not intersex so the new law is useless for me, I'm just a confused, broken freak. I can try changing my name like a cis person could, but you need a "significant reason" for it and you can only change your name to one of your assigned gender that way; so I have to hope that being NB is a significant enough reason, and that I'm allowed to have my chosen neutral names. And I AM going to try it, because I can't live like this, but even starting to write the application makes me extremely anxious because I'm so scared of being denied.
All of this has seriously trigged my depression, I was doing so much better the last couple of months, but now I'm back in that pit of hopelessness, I've become suicidal again, I'm close to starting selfharming again, I haven't cried so much since my grandma died a year ago... I just... I'm so tired, and I'm not coping well with any of this.

*hugs*

I'm sorry it sucks where you live. I know it's a huge hassle, but have you considered moving? I believe there are a couple of countries now that allow one to be officially enby.

[Lentrax]

I have a counselor appointment tomorrow. She does a lot of LGBT+ work, and asked for my preferred name when I set the appointment. So hopefully this time I have someone who doesn’t think I’m not really trans and just can’t deal with my bullying issue.

[Dragonquetra]

Today is coming out day for me. I disclosed it privately to a few people only for those people to eventually cross me and out me against my desire. I'm not hiding myself anymore. I can't take the pain of hiding and I no longer want to suffer any anguish over having to be hidden in the closet.

I'm transgender. Male-to-female.

For the sake of living a healthier life and being healthier in mind and body coming out is a necessity. I've taken to over-eating in the past from being in the closet. No more tears, no more pain.

I want to live a healthier life. It starts with being truthful.

[Lycunadari]

I have a counselor appointment tomorrow. She does a lot of LGBT+ work, and asked for my preferred name when I set the appointment. So hopefully this time I have someone who doesn’t think I’m not really trans and just can’t deal with my bullying issue.

How did it go?
(Anyone who tries to tell you you're not actually trans should shut up and possibly step on a lego <.<)

Today is coming out day for me. I disclosed it privately to a few people only for those people to eventually cross me and out me against my desire. I'm not hiding myself anymore. I can't take the pain of hiding and I no longer want to suffer any anguish over having to be hidden in the closet.

I'm transgender. Male-to-female.

For the sake of living a healthier life and being healthier in body coming out is a necessity. I've taken to over-eating in the past from being in the closet. No more tears, no more pain.

I want to live a healthier life. It starts with being truthful.

Coming out can be a huge relief, but it sucks when it happens against our will or before we are ready. But I hope everything will go smoothly now!

----
Update on the name/gender marker change: I did some more research about what exactly the new law covers and also talked about it with my therapist. There's a legal loophole that technically makes it okay for non-intersex trans people to use the new law as long as we have a doctor who writes a note that we have a "variation of gender/sex development". My therapist strongly recommended me to use that option, considering how bad this whole situation has been for my mental health. So I am actually going to do this.
... if everything goes as planned, I might have legally changed my name and gender marker in less than a month.

[Ravens_cry]

----
Update on the name/gender marker change: I did some more research about what exactly the new law covers and also talked about it with my therapist. There's a legal loophole that technically makes it okay for non-intersex trans people to use the new law as long as we have a doctor who writes a note that we have a "variation of gender/sex development". My therapist strongly recommended me to use that option, considering how bad this whole situation has been for my mental health. So I am actually going to do this.
... if everything goes as planned, I might have legally changed my name and gender marker in less than a month.

Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed, Lycunadari. I wish you all the best in this.

[Dragonquetra]

Coming out can be a huge relief, but it sucks when it happens against our will or before we are ready. But I hope everything will go smoothly now!

I'm still pre-everything and not sure when I'll be able to start moving forward with changes, but at least I can be myself more freely and live a lifestyle that agrees with my inner truth.

[Lentrax]

How did it go?
(Anyone who tries to tell you you're not actually trans should shut up and possibly step on a lego <.<)

It went great. I walked in, and she greeted me with my preferred name (Ashleigh). We started talking, and I think it went well. Granted, we spent my hour talking about my kids, because that is a huge block in my road right now, but I don’t think she is going to gatekeep.

I'm still pre-everything and not sure when I'll be able to start moving forward with changes, but at least I can be myself more freely and live a lifestyle that agrees with my inner truth.

Good to hear. And if you ever need help, or an ear, or anything, we are all here to support you.

[Heliomance]

4 days to go until surgery! It's happening this Friday! *screams*

[Domino Quartz]

4 days to go until surgery! It's happening this Friday! *screams*

Yaaay! Congratulations! I hope it goes well.

[Lentrax]

4 days to go until surgery! It's happening this Friday! *screams*

Congrats, Tamsin! It’s been a long road, and you are so near the end!

[Dire Moose]

4 days to go until surgery! It's happening this Friday! *screams*

Yay Heliomance! I know you had been struggling with setting this up for a while, but congratulations on finally having a date set! Hope it goes well!

[SaintRidley]

Hi everybody. Long time no see.

So. I don't really know how to go about figuring this out for sure for myself, but it's been floating in the back of my mind for several years now and only recently decided to be a surface thing. I'm pretty sure I'm either nonbinary or genderfluid. I haven't told many people yet in real life because I don't have that many I feel comfortable sharing with. I'm also right close up to the end of my PhD, so while I really do think speaking to a gender therapist to talk it out would be good, I simply don't have the time.

I'm also nervous as hell because my partner and I are slowly opening things up in our marriage, and I've got a lunch date with this woman we both happen to have a crush on and I'm really hoping it goes well. I'm okay with whatever outcome - if she's not interested, interested in only me, interested in only my partner, or interested in both of us. I just haven't directly told someone I had a crush on them since high school and I'm feeling super nervous.

[Astrella]

4 days to go until surgery! It's happening this Friday! *screams*

Good luck and a quick recovery! Feel free to message me if you need to vent about recovery stuff or need help or such.

[Heliomance]

Tidying done - I've successfully thrown out my junk

[Unavenger]

Tidying done - I've successfully thrown out my junk

Shojo would be proud.

Anyway, congrats!

[Recherché]

Tidying done - I've successfully thrown out my junk

Congrats on the ultimate KonMari

[Lissou]

Woot! Awesome, Helio!

[Lentrax]

Tidying done - I've successfully thrown out my junk

Glad to hear. Hope the newfound space is to your liking.

[Dragonquetra]

Posted this on Facebook, thought I'd share it here.

Being in denial of being transgender has done a lot to me, notably not being able to love myself. After my father died it's like a switch clicked and I started to process through all the self-loathing and self-hatred. Now that I a know who I am, more accurately, being attuned to the truth that I am female has allowed me love myself. It's not my interests that define me, more it is the pure joy that I feel when I am connected to that wellspring of femininity...that love is what does define me.

[JusticeZero]

How are father/daughter relationships supposed to look?

My dad is trying, he really is, but he's a talentless parent because "don't be like the abusive !!!! who raised me" doesn't give very good guidance on what TO do. He cobbled together a vague, non-toxic idea of how to relate to a son from I have no idea where and subjected it to me inflexibly, ignoring all indicators that it might not be working.

Now? He's totally off the edge of the map. I'm incredibly frustrated because his wife just died, he wants me around more, he's trying to be my father, I want my daddy, and the two are NOT the same thing. I feel like there's some huge stuff that's just... missing, and I don't know what or how to explain any of it. It's really frustrating trying to visit, and I want to make things a bit better.

[Kesnit]

How are father/daughter relationships supposed to look?

However you and your father want it to be.

[Lissou]

Yeah, can't help you with father/daughter relationships, I only hear from my father on Christmas and on my birthday (and he hears from me on Christmas and his birthday), so...

[Razade]

Now? He's totally off the edge of the map. I'm incredibly frustrated because his wife just died, he wants me around more, he's trying to be my father, I want my daddy, and the two are NOT the same thing. I feel like there's some huge stuff that's just... missing, and I don't know what or how to explain any of it. It's really frustrating trying to visit, and I want to make things a bit better.

You're going to have to really clarify the bolded. Because honestly this all just comes off as....well rather selfish honestly. His wife just passed away and he wants you around because he loves you and values your support. Sure, there's things going on on your end but honestly? This isn't about you. You and him and this new wrinkle can wait. Should wait. Until he's had some time to grieve and to right himself. I understand you want to be comfortable and that surely will make him more comfortable but maybe ask him what you can do to help that?

To the rest...there's no handbook on how to be a parent. I don't know you or him or your relationship but the way you describe it really rather rubs me the wrong way. Taking a pot shot at your pop for being a "talentless" father...just makes you look bad. At least you had a father and at least he tried and good on him for trying to be a better parent than he got. Parents can only do the best they do and they mess up from time to time. That's just how it goes. The others are being rather gentle about this but honestly...I think you should cut your father some slack. You're not particularly entitled to have your father and your relationship with your father to be the way you want. There's two people involved.

I don't know if you've sat down with him and discussed any of this with him because you haven't indicated you have or haven't. The only real solution is to suggest you do in fact do that. If the answer is he can't fulfill the role you want him to...I guess that will be a shame. But he doesn't owe it to you.

[Themrys]

How are father/daughter relationships supposed to look?

My dad is trying, he really is, but he's a talentless parent because "don't be like the abusive !!!! who raised me" doesn't give very good guidance on what TO do. He cobbled together a vague, non-toxic idea of how to relate to a son from I have no idea where and subjected it to me inflexibly, ignoring all indicators that it might not be working.

Now? He's totally off the edge of the map. I'm incredibly frustrated because his wife just died, he wants me around more, he's trying to be my father, I want my daddy, and the two are NOT the same thing. I feel like there's some huge stuff that's just... missing, and I don't know what or how to explain any of it. It's really frustrating trying to visit, and I want to make things a bit better.

It would be great if you could explain the situation for people who are new to this thread. For example, is this your biological father, since you seem to miss your daddy and call his wife "his wife" instead of "my mother".

But regardless, asking what it is "supposed to look like" is a question that you either ask your therapist (if you have been abused so severely that you actually don't know which behaviours are abusive), or don't ask at all.

If I told you that a father is supposed to favour his sons over his daughters and all but ignore a daughter, would you then happily ask your father to ignore you most of the time and treat you as inferior the rest of the time? Would you then be happy with that kind of relationships because it is how things are supposed to be?

[halfeye]

If I told you that a father is supposed to favour his sons over his daughters and all but ignore a daughter, would you then happily ask your father to ignore you most of the time and treat you as inferior the rest of the time? Would you then be happy with that kind of relationships because it is how things are supposed to be?

That wasn't how my father was.

People are all different.

All parents are amateurs.

[JusticeZero]

is this your biological father, since you seem to miss your daddy and call his wife "his wife" instead of "my mother".

Biological father, stepmother. It's mostly that our relationship was pretty peacefully dysfunctional and ended up with us not talking much, and he keeps doing the same things that end up with us not talking very well. He deserves better, but I never knew how to respond to him, and now it's painfully obvious because I have to. It's a blend of me trying to support him in his time of need and wanting to pull my hair out when he gets really confused on how to talk to me and defaults to, of all things, dry history lectures. I had to listen to five hours of Napoleonic history last time I was there, and I could barely get a word in edgewise to qualify as 'talking'.