Corrupt a Wish II

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! *Blam* *Blam*

I wish for a device that could instantly heal Ironsmith's gunshot wounds!

[Cyberiad_Queen]

Granted! However, it only cures gunshot wounds. Any other injuries the poor soul may sustain are untreatable.

I roll to become the world's greatest healer.

[paddyfool]

You travel back in time to 65 million years BC, where there are no other people at all, never mind any with even rudimentary medical knowledge, making you the best and only healer in the world. Oh, and there's a point in the sky that's growing larger and brighter right overhead...

I wish for a working TARDIS that I can use to rescue Cyberiad_Queen.

[Ironsmith]

The TARDIS works fine. You have no idea how.

I wish it was a simpler time travel device, like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor, or a magic watch.

[Kerching]

Granted. A time-turner from Harry Potter suddenly appears in front of you. Unfortunately, each time you turn it it only sends you back one minute in time. Have fun!

I wish all this time travel will not screw with the present time.

[bug_sniper]

Granted. It already happened. Now at present, time travelers convinced both sides to start a nuclear war following the Cuban missile crisis. Everyone either lives underground under increasingly thick steel barriers, or in rural areas that look like Mad Max terrain.

I wish there never were any time travelers in the first place.

[The Outsider]

Granted. This means that the super-advanced species that humanity becomes never goes back in time to engineer its own creation, and the original timeline in which the earth never develops the capacity to support life is re-established.

I wish to become master of the universe.

[Cyberiad_Queen]

You are the rogue Time Lord known as the Master. It's great for you; it's the rest of us who are screwed.

I wish to team up with the Doctor to defeat this menace to the universe!

[Ironsmith]

you get to Be the meAns by which the master is Defeated, but you find there are side effects you did not Wholly intend, which dO not do your mentaL health any Favors. plus side, you at least get some really cool powers for a hot minute.

I wish to not get scattered across the universe.

[paddyfool]

You get imprisoned in an indestructible box in a hidden pocket dimension of forgotten location. You and your constituent atoms ain't going anywhere.

I wish to visit Gallifrey

[Caerulea]

Gallifrey Macula is a dark surface on Charon, Pluto's moon. You are immediately transported there. There is no oxygen.


I wish I could change my hair colour whenever I wanted with no effort.

[Starlit Dragon]

Granted! But it has to fall out whenever you do this.

I wish to be a dragon, of an intelligent species beloved by humans.

[The Outsider]

Granted! Your type of dragon is beloved for its capability to be made into thick, succulent dragon steaks. Tasty!

I wish that people would stop harvesting and consuming these majestic creatures.

[Ironsmith]

Hm. So, what do you get when you mix an apex predator with no natural enemies and a complete lack of human intervention? Great times, I'm sure.

I wish to restore the devastated ecosystem.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Finally! A buyer for my door to the dinosaur past!

I wish for a waterproof vacuum.

[Velaryon]

Granted, but you have the only one within 100 miles, everyone knows it, and they constantly bug you to help clean up spills with it.

I wish to be able to heal wounds, sicknesses, and diseases with the power of my mind.

[The Outsider]

Granted, but it works like that one episode of Star Trek: Anything you heal appears on or within you.

I wish for a cure for depression.

[Ironsmith]

Okay. Nobody on Earth has depression anymore. Everyone is now much more motivated and productive than they've ever been. Including the jerks and the villains. Especially the villains. Interesting times coming your way, that's for sure.

I wish for impeccable organizational abilities.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You can now successfully file your documents. The numerous birds in your house are helpless to stop you.

I wish for a teleporter, that I might commute without having to drive or take a train.

[paddyfool]

On your first commute, a fly gets in and you get blended with it. You barely manage to hold it together. On your second, a spider, and you devour your co-workers, sucking out their insides. No more commuting for you ever again, you're just going to spin your webs and wait for people to come knocking.

I wish for a pet mammoth.

[Gravitron5000]

Here's a pet mammoth. The mammoth poops are your problem. Also, to keep the mammoth comfortable, I've gone and triggered an ice age.

I wish for a good daiquiri recipe, seeing as we have all this ice everywhere.

[farothel]

I'll give you Nanny Ogg's bannananananananana Dakri recipe. Of course, it comes with Nanny Ogg attached, who drinks all of it.

I wish to get a tiger who is loyal to me and understands my commands.

[The Outsider]

Granted! He's loyal and understands commands, but he's also got a viciously nasty temperament and always misinterprets your commands to cause as much harm as possible to everyone who isn't you.

I wish for better fine motor skills and dexterity.

[Ironsmith]

All your characters have a dexterity of 18, and you find you're a surprisingly good mechanic, despite having essential tremors. Don't try doing any surgery or anything, though.

I wish to be a chess grandmaster.

[Caerulea]

That's easy enough. Just hold still while I replace your brain with a computer that only plays chess.

I wish I could spend Thanksgiving with my entire family.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Spoiler: oh geez sorry Ironsmith I ALMOST saved you

Show

Granted! I'd feel bad reprogramming your mind for only chess, so you just get the FIDE title, unearned. In keeping with media stereotypes, an actual chess person can identify you as a fraud within two moves and start blackmailing you in three, so you should probably find some excuse not to play with them.

Granted! Your family excommunicates you. You're a family of one now!

I wish for a laundry hamper full of water balloons.

[Gravitron5000]

Granted, provided by dropping directly on your head from a great height.

I wish for a towel.

[Ironsmith]

Granted! And since you have a towel, I can also assume you have a washcloth, soap, toothbrush, spaceship, et cetera, somewhere around here, and they're momentarily misplaced. And without further ado, here's a man from the IRS wanting to know why you haven't paid taxes on your spaceship in fifty years. You two have fun now!

I wish for magic powers.

[Caerulea]

Hmm, how about the magical power to instantly soak yourself in chicken soup? Oh wait you wanted more than one, right. You also have the magic power to cause people's socks to disappear without them noticing. Only one sock at a time though.


I wish my cat wouldn't sleep right in the middle of my bed when I'm trying to sleep.

[The Outsider]

Granted! You are now able to magically discern when volcanoes are about to erupt and make them do so, as long as said volcanoes are on other planets.


Edit: I really need to look both ways before posting.

Granted! It instead acquires burrowing instincts and attempts to dig into the mattress in order to sleep.

I wish that I had a particular set of skills, skills acquired over a very long career.