Corrupt a Wish II

[Korith]

Granted. Rusty, ice-covered springs rain from the sky. I suggest finding shelter.

I wish I could understand what my 4 month old daughter was saying.

[Extrail]

Granted! but that's the only thing you can understand. You can't even comprehend your own thoughts any more. needless to say your put in an insane asylum pretty quickly where people have to feed you through a straw.

I wish there was no such thing as insanity.

[Crisis21]

Granted, as it is a legal definition, insanity is stricken from all legal play books everywhere. Everyone is held responsible for their actions to the fullest extent of the law regardless of what mental illness they suffer from, and are sent to prison with the rest of the common criminals rather than to a psychiatric facility where they could receive help.


I wish to go on a grand archaeological adventure with a lovely and capable British woman.

[CosmicHobbit]

You go on a small paleontological adventure with a lovely and capable British woman. However, that woman has a grey tinge to her skin and completely white eyes, no irises or pupils. This is because the woman is the thrall of your aboleth girlfriend, who is testing the waters to see if the time is right. When you get home, you find that everything you've learned is wrong because of a small mistake in your calculations. At least you got to travel!

I wish that Crisis21's aboleth ex-girlfriend's affection suddenly switched to me. I've dated mind flayers*, pretty sure I can handle an aboleth.

*Ya know, now that I think of it, that may be why I lost some IQ during each of those phases...

[Kneenibble]

So, CosmicHobbit, you know about this now, but I'm going to lay some pipe about aboleths for the benefit of other readers. Sexy time with one of these creatures is not for the faint of heart -- and I don't just mean the anatomy. It's a powerful psychic adventure like giving each other simultaneous brain surgery in a hall of upside-down mirrors. You don't know where you begin and she ends, and that includes, by the way, the entire host of her aeonic recollections. One piece of that never-ending reflection is that you get to recall along with her exactly what it was like to spend a thousand years in one evening with Crisis21. Now I'm not saying you can't handle it, CosmicHobbit, I'm just spelling it out for the benefit of the others. You know what it was like: it melted your face. By the way, she was pretty turned off that you had been with illithids and would have appreciated you mentioning it over dinner beforehand.


I wish for three bottles of exquisite Spanish wine and a Spanish construction worker to enjoy them with.

[Extrail]

Granted! and a free Spanish inquisition.

I wish for the Spanish inquisition to not be suicidal enough to attack the U.S.A

[bc56]

They aren't, but they are suicidal enough to attack Saudi Arabia. Oops!

I wish the Inquisition would win the ensuing war.

[Crisis21]

The Spanish Inquisition takes over the entire middle east and converts the region to Catholicism. They continue on to raise an army of Inquisitors for the purpose of forcefully converting the rest of the planet. Headlines across the globe read: We didn't expect this!


I wish someone had expected the Spanish Inquisition and prepared for this eventuality.

@V: The answer is no already! A googleplex times NO!

@VV: See above answer!

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! Your ex aboleth girlfriend suspected something like this would happen, and so prepared a widespread, underground, abolethian rebel army. It is prepared to move out and completely defeat the Spanish Inquisition at her command, which she will give only under the condition that Crisis21 joins her in eternal abolethian marriage. She has been preparing for this for so long, she has even set a contingency plan in the event Crisis21 initially refuses, which involves setting the Inquisition on Crisis21 for heresy.

I wish Crisis21 would tell her his decision and have no regrets about it, whatever it may be

[Extrail]

Granted, but crisis21 suffers great pain, and tortue as every time his exaboleth girlfriend tries to save him. He refuses her offer.

I wish crisis21 would get back together with his ex-Aboleth girlfriend.

[CosmicHobbit]

Crisis21 gets back together with his aboleth ex-girlfriend, but she yearns for something more. She remembers how much she loved Crisis21, and she still loves him, but she also remembers how many times he turned down her affections. She wants to give him a taste of his own medicine, and so Crisis21, on his way to break up with her once more, finds her in the middle of...activities with 4 other men, which strangely do not include anyone on this forum. In that moment, Crisis21 realizes how much he loves her, and he quickly dispatches the 4 men. Heartbroken, the aboleth decides she's had enough. She looks Crisis21 straight in they eyes as she breaks up with him, making sure to let him down in the hardest way possible. As she swims off into the sunset, or the underdark equivalent, Crisis21 falls onto his knees as the words he has never before uttered at her escape his mouth: "I love you". But, it is too late. The aboleth and Crisis21 got back together, but they broke up for a final time*, leaving one heartbroken and stunned, and the other heartbroken and angry.
*Well, the final time unless someone makes a wish to bring them back together again.

I wish I consoled Crisis21, making him instantly feel better.

[Crisis21]

The moment she's out of range for any and all sensory perception she may or may not be capable of, you see me doing a jig yelling out 'it worked! I'm free!' as I accept an Oscar for my performance.


I wish that was the end of things with her and that she'd never show up on this forum in any shape, form, or fashion ever again.

[Thaumic]

EDIT: Dammit. Ninja'd.

Granted! She's gone. But as a parting gift, she used a bit of her strange aberration magic to curse the thread (*cough* aboleths can do that, obviously). Just as she will never forget anything, this thread will never truly forget her. Her memory will loom over it forever like a dark, foreboding shroud, from which there is no escape for any of its posters, past or future.

I wish that a sphere could be perfectly mapped onto a rectangular surface (for more accurate world maps).

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! Spheres can now be perfectly shaped on rectangular pieces of paper. Unfortunately, all other attempts at drawing anything BUT a sphere on rectangular pieces of paper end in complete and total failure.

I wish no one could grant any wish that involves a physical or emotional relationship with a sentient being

[Extrail]

Granted! but every wish must involve a relationship for a good long while that doesn't involve a sentient being.

I wish that my pet rock truly loved me.

[CosmicHobbit]

Your pet rock truly loves you! In fact, it loves you so much, it decides to give you a big hug. Too bad it's a boulder, and it thinks hug means "roll on top of". You are crushed by the power of #love.

I wish love itself loved me.

[Korith]

Granted - Love itself loves you, but is incapable of expressing it. Everyone else senses this, becomes jealous, and quietly hates you.

I wish CosmicHobbit had a good friend.

[Crisis21]

Granted. Love has decided it's best it and CosmicHobbit remained in the mutual friend zone, and it despises you for forcing it to settle like that.


I wish I had the most awesome and loyal pet cat in the world.

[Kneenibble]

The cat who is now your devoted companion is a pale gray Persian cat of eminent fluffiness with startlingly blue eyes named Gorbeh. She is well-behaved and affectionate, and frequently sleeps nearby you in your bed. You begin to dream of fantastical places: dizzying crystal towers piercing a violet sky with two white suns; music like baroque sculptures of quartz spun into cobweblike rhythms; and a perfect kingdom long ago usurped by a cabal of unspeakably wicked and beautiful white lizard women. Their golden tongues and eyes haunt you in your waking life. One day your fluffy Gorbeh begins to speak to you as you fall asleep. She assures you in a proud and mighty voice that you must wake up and join the battle to retake what was lost; that the life you live as Crisis21 is a fleeting and inconsequential fantasy, a matrix to ensnare your powerful and entitled being that was wrongfully ejected from great divine inheritance with foul magic into a mundane farflung human carcass. And yet her nightly voice does not tell you how you can do this thing, even as she remains a sweet and loyal cat by day. Your mind comes to straddle two realities, and you are tortured as to which to embrace: the limbo of grindingly quotidian humanness, or that powerfully vivid dream world of cosmic purpose.


I wish to be employed as a bouncer at a gay bar.

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! You are hired by the best gay club in town. It is constantly frequented by the most beautiful and successful men and women in the LGBT community. Unfortunately you are required to wear a uniform that is hideous and completely out of fashion. All the clientele laugh at your seemingly lack of fashion sense and grace, and ignore your instructions as a bouncer. You are subsequently fired for being incompetent at your job, and the humiliation of the uniform now follows you where ever you go.

I wish we all lived in a world that didn't judge people by their looks or what they own, but by who each person is on the inside

[CosmicHobbit]

Granted! Everybody is judged by how good their organs work and how organized said organs are. Also, in order for this to be a possibility, everyone is turned inside out.

I wish everyones organs were back in their bodies...the way it is now is gross.

[Crisis21]

Granted. Everyone is no longer turned inside out. As a bonus, people are once again judged by superficial means such as physical appearance and wealth. In fact, superficial judgements are the only ones that carry any meaning anymore.


I wish we could be enlightened. You know, without being turned inside-out this time.


@V: Eh, that's more like this thread than here. Surely you can corrupt without deliberately misinterpreting wording.

[Thaumic]

Granted! Everyone turns into balloons, because Common isn't this particular genie's forte.

I wish that I had incredibly efficient organizational skills.

[bc56]

You do, but you start to feel uncomfortable when anything is not organized perfectly. You begin to spend all your time reorganizing everything, until you attempt to reorganize the government and are killed.

I wish to be the very best that no one ever was!

[PopeLinus1]

Granted. In the split second after you make this wish, the intire Universe, throughout all time is destroyed. flash’s of Solar energy rips through intire solar systems in seconds, killing sentient life, incinerating them as they were going about this day. Seconds later, their ancestors, barely beginning the Evolution process are destroyed, unmaking them from all existence. Than it is calm and there is only you - and silence.

bc56, you are the only sentient life left in the intire universe. In fact, you are the only sentient life to have ever existed. You are the best, and no one ever was


Ok, being a genie is off the table, I see that know. I wish I had never found this thread.

[Crisis21]

Granted. You have been in a coma since you were five, and thus have never done any of the things you did since then, much less found this thread.


I wish to do good things for good people.

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! You do several wonderful things for good people, all of which are incredibly grateful. As you begin to do another good thing for another good person however, you hear a rumour that the first good person you did good for suffered a horrific unexpected consequence as a result of you doing good for him. You ignore these rumours and continue to do good for good people, with everyone that who help eventually becoming far worse off than when you originally helped them.

I wish Crisis21 would continue to do good things for good people, while remaining oblivious to the corrupted effects of his wish, without negating or changing the effects of said wish.

[CosmicHobbit]

Granted! His next mark for who to help? You and everyone you love. He helps you, and you wait for the consequences. Six months later, everyone you love is either dead or dying, and you stand in front of your terrible fate. Your last words? "I shouldn't have made that wish." You realize that if you stop Crisis from helping people, nobody will suffer the same fate as you! But it's too late. You die, and Crisis keeps on helping all the good people, until no one who is good is also having a good life.

I wish that all the consequences that Crisis wrought would be reversed.

[Extrail]

Granted! Everyone he helps is the absolute scum of humanity, and everything they do goes their way once crisis helps them.

I wish for complete silence in the classroom.

[Crisis21]

Granted. The school closes unexpectedly and you are let go. The building falls into disrepair as no one wants it and vile rumors circulate about why it closed so suddenly, causing everyone to stay away from it out of fear. Even the animals avoid it. The classroom remains completely silent.


I wish karma had a better targeting lock for bad people.