Corrupt a Wish II

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! It turns out that Evil uses the same physical forces as everyone else, so I destroyed magnetism and gravity on your behalf. Have fun!

I wish I could survive a fall at terminal velocity without meaningful injury!

[The-lost-Byte]

I wish I could survive a fall at terminal velocity without meaningful injury!

Sure thing, you can even survive any fall, for all I care.
Afterall, it is not the fall, but the landing you need to worry about...

I wish I had better internet.

[LeMooseImperium]

You have internet so fast it's actually the internet from three years in the future and OH BOCCOB THE PARADOXES

I wish for fewer paradoxes.

[Flyingbooks42]

Because this wish also applies to paradooxes in the past and future, it causes even more paradoxes.

I wish that this genie was physically incapable of making a wish cause anything other than its intended effects.

[Crisis21]

Very well, you are now a genie incapable of making a wish cause anything other than its intended effects. You are, however, compelled to grant any wish you hear. Now I wish you would make me a sandwich.


I wish Flyingbooks42 would be perfectly happy in their new life granting every random wish they hear.

[Bucky]

Granted, and they has recently started hanging out with genocidal maniacs.

I wish that none of the world's maniacs were genocidal.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You now live in a world where genocide is institutionalized and anyone who objects is considered the maniac, if only because objecting is a 100% effective way to get culled.

I wish for a massive and loyal robot servant.

[farothel]

No problem, the world is now ruled by a massive, royal robot savant.

I wish to have an adamantium fused skeleton and claws like Wolverine.

[Crisis21]

Very well, the adamantium fuses your skeleton together making it so you can't move. And since you said 'like Wolverine' I threw in the massive regeneration so you'll be able to enjoy eternity as a fully conscious immobile being.

I also slap a sticky note on your chest reminding you that this is the 'corrupt a wish' thread, not the 'hard of hearing' thread.


I wish people would read, understand, and follow the rules.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! It might take a while, though. There are a lot of rules out there, and people under the influence of genie magic tend to freeze up when they encounter rules that conflict.

I wish for the giant robot monarch, whose savant talent is obviously for justice, to iron out all rules contradictions.

[Samba Mentality]

The giant robot monarch deletes that post and then irons you out for mentioning a rules contradiction, you will never see a rules contradiction again! Congratulations!

I wish for somebody to go shut that window, it’s freezing in here!

[farothel]

All windows and doors are now glued shut hermetically. No more cold will come in, but also no oxygen and you can't get out. You now have 5 hours before the oxygen in your room is used up.
4:59:59
4:59:58
...

I wish to eradicate cancer.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

The stars that form the astrological sign of the crab have been retroactively destroyed. The zodiac is now that much smaller.

...

Oh, you meant the medical condition. Okay, fine, bonus wish granted. Everyone’s DNA is altered such that cancer-causing mutations cause a swift toxic death just before the cancers can actually develop.

I wish the gutters on my roof would stop leaking and falling off.

[Crisis21]

Granted. They stop leaking and instead start gathering enough leaves and dirt to act as a dam for water on your roof, which gathers and pools until your roof collapses under the weight.



I wish the natural human lifespan was twice as long.

[Username2]

Granted but since the lifespan is 2 time longe there will be to many people on the earth and everyone starves

I want safe hazard free ice cream
In my hands without a bowl

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

It melts, it tastes gross, and your imagination remains appallingly weak.

I wish for a 20-foot-tall gum ball machine.

[Flyingbooks42]

Granted. It is positioned exactly so that when a gumball comes out, it rolls straight into your mouth. I'll even put a coin in there so that your first gumball is free. However, the gumballs are in the same proportions compared to the machine as regular gumballs are to regular gumball machines, so you get a 15-inch gumball to the face.

I wish that I knew the question to life, the universe, and everything.

[Crisis21]

Granted, but learning the Answer causes your head to explode.


I wish the world's resources could support ten times as many people.

[EdgeOfTheAbyss]

the world's resources can indeed support ten times as many people but their just inaccessible

My wish I wish for enough time and the ability to schedule all the RPG time I want.

[farothel]

no problem. You're now out of a job, so you have all the time you need for RPGs. Of course, the people you play with have to take over your tasks at work, so they don't have the time, but you do.

I wish to be able to connect telepathically with computers.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Okay! It's a two-way connection, and as soon as you touch the internet you are marked for life. You are constantly pinged by servers all over the globe, each pushing you to spread advertising or monitor traffic on their behalf. They are not responsive to your commands nor your pleas for mercy. Your only hope is to flee to the few corners of Earth where their signals cannot reach you.

I wish for an intuitive sense of other people's perceived problems.

[SunderedWorldDM]

Granted! You now have an intuitive understanding of everyone's personal problems. Constantly around you are the mental whispers, everyone's flaws, everyone's insecurities. These burden your mind into madness and insanity as you drown in problems that don't exist.

I wish for a goldfish that will stay alive forever and not detriment me directly or indirectly.

[Kneenibble]

As you should well know, the brevity of a goldfish's memory is greatly exaggerated. Indeed, this immortal goldfish remembers and comes to think fondly of your face distorted through the wall of its aquarium each day. It knows and cherishes this pleasure for many years. It is a silent witness to the paramedics who respond to your medical alert bracelet, although not to the thrashings of the stroke that sent you too hard to the floor: just the last glimpse of a blanketed and masked form strapped to a stretcher. Perhaps a goldfish cannot know a great human depth of grief, but it does experience the absence of the familiar pleasure of your face, which had been a constant in its simple life for happy decades. There is no detriment to you whatsoever -- you lived the life you were dealt. The languorous goldfish may be lucky to be adopted when the family comes to clear out their great uncle's sparse apartment. It may be lucky if a new face grows to happily coexist alongside its elementary sensation of loss.


I wish to find a wild pear tree in the forest.

[Crisis21]

You find the legendary golden pear tree, whose fruit smells sweeter than wine and shall supposedly grant a life of eternal happiness to those that eat one. It is said that none who have sought this tree and its fruit have ever returned, but here it stands before you. You approach in wonder and reverence, noticing too late the broken bone shards of those who came before you. In your last moments as the tree surges into motion and grabs you - pulling you towards a maw filled with jagged splinter-teeth - you realize that the tree is carnivorous and the sweet-smelling fruit is meant to lure its next meal closer.


I wish to take revenge for my friend Kneenibble and slay the foul golden pear tree!

[ChaoticHarmony]

You manage to track down the horrendous foliage. Your revenge fueled rage allows you to slay the tree with ease. As you stand upon its broken shards, the smell of its fruit drifts into your nose. It is only right to claim a prize from it, right? You reach down and grab one of the pears, taking a large and much deserved bite. The flavor is wonderful, unlike anything you have ever eaten before. As you relish the taste in bliss, you fail to notice golden bark begin to sprout from your skin. You take another bite and it is suddenly a different flavor, but just as good. Your feet begin to turn into roots. Another bite, and your hair turns to golden leaves, with pear blossoms dispersed about it. When you finally finish, you have forgotten of your past, and have become a new golden pear tree.


I wish the next response won't be as long as this one

[CosmicHobbit]

Granted. The next response comes within seconds of your response (I know this isn't seconds after, but suspension of disbelief please). Then another response comes. Then another. They keep coming over and over, and the thread has been filled within a minute. A new thread is made just as fast, and we're on number 139 by the time an hour has passed. Never once did you get to post a corrupted wish. It's at this point that the site breaks under the strain, due to all accounts posting on one thread, one post every millisecond. Rich Burlew realizes that the forums were a mistake, and revives the site. However, only the gaming articles and the comic are on it. There is no forum now. There are no silly games. And there is no more responses on any Corrupt a Wish thread.

I wish to have a personal army, consisting of millions of hyper-intelligent, sci-fi weapon equipped cats, which I will rule with absolute power. No revolts here.

If this wish turns out good, the world will be subject to a conquest of cats and ruled by me.

But of course that won't happen on this thread

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

The world is taken over by cats! No one notices this until you point it out to them, and even then they don't seem terribly impressed. It turns out that sci-fi cats, while not especially rebellious, also aren't very invested in enforcing a human's edicts. When they figure out the deal with the wish, they go ahead and turn you into a cat, at which point you too lose interest in enforcing the edicts of your idiot past self. Using your newfound hyperintelligence, you adopt a family of human servitors to pamper you and all is right with the world.

I wish to know what the world would be like if I were never born.

[Kneenibble]

The world is worse for some time for your mother, at least, who miscarries. You are not so much born as excreted; the trauma is fairly short-lived. Other than that, your invisible platform of perception on this alternate reality allows you to watch a good cross-section of the world evolve in your absence. You watch friends and family whom you would have known take other paths in life that are yet not wildly divergent from how they lived with you in their life. Indeed, you are able to linger and observe beyond the equivalent present. There are no great surprises on the big scale. But there is a distinct pang of loss, somehow, that haunts you even after you return to your native consciousness in this reality. A feeling that the world was missing something important that could have altered its trajectory radically for the better. A feeling of purpose for yourself, just out of reach, that you cannot see or know. But have you spoiled your ability to realize this purpose by the exercise? If you perceive its absence, have the circumstances that would have seen it realized also dissipated -- much like the quantum physics conundrum about perception permanently altering the state of its object? Enjoy this existential whirlpool, which will swirl around the edges of your thoughts whenever you are too much alone with yourself.


I wish I could smoke tobacco without it damaging my health.

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! You can imbibe in any form of tobacco and you shall receive none of the physical ailments you would normally get. Instead, your family and friends shall receive them.

I wish for a palindrome

[Crisis21]

You get run over by a racecar.


I wish to make nachos for everyone.