Corrupt a Wish II

[Mister Tom]

And so you shall. Have fun hand making nachos in small batches, for everyone. And I mean everyone: not just the 7 billion who are alive now. Everyone. You may be some time.
There is no dip.

I wish for some nachos, with guacamole.

[SunderedWorldDM]

Granted. You get nachos. And guacamole. So much guacamole. I have to violate conservation of mass in order to construct this much guac. The 'guac-ball' has a mass equivalent to a sizable star. You drown in the guac, as does everyone else on earth.

I wish for a reasonable amount of chips with a reasonable amount of guac and nothing else with that, thank you very much...

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Okay, sure! I'll even give you a coupon for a lifetime of refills. You... you did say nothing else, right? Because I'm taking away your ability to digest other foods, as payment. That's cool, right? We're cool?

Great! That's one mystically-stolen component for my artificial life form down. Let's see what's next on the list...

I wish for a module that grants the ability to endlessly stress over moral quandaries.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get that- from yourself. After you take out the module, you wonder what purpose you had in creating an AI when humans are fine as is. You go strolling off, whistling a tune to yourself as you never contemplate the purpose of existence again. On the bright side, you have a nice cubicle career ahead of you!

I wish to finish the AI Gunsforhands started.

[Mister Tom]

It starts to endlessly stress over moral quandaries. The energy consumption involved eventually causes it to catch fire.

I wish for people to lose the ability to believe untrue statements which I have not, personally and without coercion, come up with.

[Kneenibble]

Granted. It is true that this wish makes it easy for you to lie successfully to people. It is also true that people are no longer able to lie to themselves, which would ordinarily inure their minds against the yawning whirlpools of existential dread; and fortify them for the daily battle of civilized life which is predicated on mutually agreed-upon lies. But without the careful tissues of internal self-deception, what is left to conceal the naked truth of our being -- fragile animals whirling through a meaningless and inhospitable void? How can one live an ordinary day in the shadow of such unbuffered emptiness? Despair and murderous chaos swirl up in our collective heart and pound like waves on old, crumbling jetties. As the only one left whose lies can be believed, there is opportunity to install yourself as a god-king amidst the mass social erosion... if you are crafty, and if you act quickly. Otherwise you shall be swallowed into bloody darkness with the rest of us.



I wish for an orangery with seven budgies to live in the branches of the trees.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Your life is now a single looping Monty Python sketch.

I wish for a functional coffee table.

[somethingrandom]

A beloved older relative dies and leaves you their coffee table in their will.

I wish for corruption to come to an end immediately.

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! A demon possesses your butt

I wish someone came up with a better answer than me

[Crisis21]

Everyone has a better answer than you, but none of us will ever tell you what it is. You go mad from the need to know.


I wish for a real life eevee.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! It bites you and gives you Pokemon Rabies.

I wish for all of the equipment needed to start a vaccination campaign.

[ChaoticHarmony]

Granted! You receive all of the equipment you need. Now if only it worked.

I wish I didn't have to work so many hours at my job

[Bucky]

Granted! You now work only two hours per week, with a proportional pay cut.

I wish for better budget discipline.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! We, uh, already made a whole other thread for it, actually! But from now on, just for you, I'll be granting wishes that are both corrupted AND low-budget. How does that sound?

I wish for a question to which the answer is yes.

[Crisis21]

Sure thing... *decapitates* Have you lost your head?



I wish for peace on earth and goodwill to all.

[Kneenibble]

Granted. This wish begins with suffering, the grandmother of understanding. A plague of fantastical literary proportion reaps the earth: a modern Black Death on a global scale. Within a few generations, human life is reduced to a hundredth of its present number, and a hundredth again. But the Earth and its remnant of survivors live on under a great hush when the plague recedes and disappears. There is no longer crowding nor scarcity, the progenitors of ugliness; and so, in the shredded wake of decades of chaos and death, a new era of peace and good will blossoms like a spring lily.


I wish to find a box of gold coins in the attic.

[Crisis21]

This here box of gold coins be the legendary cursed treasure of yer great great grandpappy Toeknibble the Pirate! Whosoever opens this box of cursed gold shall be haunted by the bloodthirsty spirits of everyone the dread Toeknibble and his cutthroat crew ever killed. They shall torment ye with horrors unfit for living eyes until the end of yer days unless ye manage to bring them the head of Toeknibble himself. Sadly he was lost at sea many years before ye were born.


I wish to free Kneenibble from this horrible curse.

[SunderedWorldDM]

It's transferred onto you. Is this what hell feels like?

I wish to break the curse.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

We distribute the curse among thousands of other victims via the coins, leaving each unlucky recipient haunted by a relatively manageable one ghost each. This prompts the ghost of Toenibble and his crew to rise up and try to reunite the treasure because dead pirates are weird like that. This in turn leads to a ghost war that's liable to last for centuries. The spirits of Kneenibble, Crisis21, SunderedWorldDM and Dr. Gunsforhands are all bound to the empty chest until the ghost war is brought to an end.

I wish for a party of adventurers to bring peace to the ghost world and allow the lot of us to pass on to the afterlife.

[Kneenibble]

The usual band of misfit glory-hunters with that veneer of virtue rise to the task adequately. Toenibble and his crew, having fomented the ghost war, seem like the villains in the story until the end, when the final confrontation shows them to be merely misunderstood. The gold is coagulated and decursed, which the adventurers conveniently get to keep; the ghosts are banished or given peace; and all the loose ends tie up neatly.

But we four. We four who shared this chest for countless years awaiting resolution and peace. We grew fond and familiar together, naked in spirit, unburdened by flesh and its lies. When adventurers found our shared box, did they know that the wailing -- distorted through the ether -- was in fact our song? That it was sweet as a melodious quartet to our own ears, in harmonies we took a decade to perfect? Did they know that we spent months at a time unburdening one another of regrets, of secrets, of sins, until we were light and joyful as feathers on a spring breeze together? But the friendship is over now, for we have each gone to our separate afterlives without enough warning to say a proper goodbye.


I wish that Toenibble the pirate appeared in my dreams to guide me on a fulfilling path in life.

[Crisis21]

Toeknibble appears in yer dreams ta guide ye on tha most fulfilling path o' life he can comprehend. In less than a decade, tha high seas learn ta fear tha Dread Pirate Kneenibble an' his band of strapping muscular barely-clad young men. Tha entire crew is wanted dead or alive fer crimes too numerous to list.


I wish to capture this dastardly villain so he may be lawfully tried for his crimes.

[Purple Eagle]

You succeed in capturing him and getting him tried for his crimes. Unfortunately for you, the villain has more connections than you do. He walks free, and you get tried for his crimes in his place.

I wish to have a new alienware laptop.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! Unfortunately, the extraterrestrial hardware is incompatible with any Earth Human software you know of. Also it eats blood to power itself.

I wish for a new English keyboard with a number pad.

[Korith]

Granted. You get a keyboard that will pad any numbers you enter to some absurd value. Congratulations on being our 1,452,546,234,978,237,60qth customer!

I wish that the ninja that is stalking me would lose track of me completely and forever.

[Crisis21]

Granted. The evil conspiracy said ninja was protecting you from finds you before the day is over and you are never heard from again.


I wish for a million gold pieces.

[CosmicHobbit]

Granted! One million gold pieces are now rightfully yours and you can do whatever you want with them. However, in order to keep them safe from thieves we have placed them at the bottom of a sea in a different dimension, and the portal to this dimension only opens once every million years. The last time it opened was roughly 250,000 years ago. Anyway, have fun with your money!

I wish I had an army of super-intelligent aliens which obey me unquestioningly.

[Kneenibble]

For a long time your army of super-intelligent aliens works to further your ambitions, and your star rises high in the intergalactic arena of power and wealth buoyed by their loyal brilliance. The politics of this lofty arena are complex, and have worked hard to free themselves of amorality and corruption. The trouble is that, since the aliens are doing most of the work for you, you find yourself caught in an annihilating lifestyle of luxury drawn from the resources of countless planets and cultures without the check of extreme dedication and genius that would normally counterbalance it. You sink into refined intoxication and perversion, even with your aliens who will bend into any position you ask. Ultimately, disgrace casts you down back into the parochial obscurity of Earth where no pleasure can be found to match the godly indulgences you once enjoyed.


I wish for a scarf of sea silk dyed with Tyrian purple.

[Korith]

Granted, but there's this little spot in the corner that the dye just didn't quite cover, and it's too expensive to get redone.

I wish for an extra hour of daylight.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! I don't want to disrupt anyone else's sleep, so I'll just shine the extra daylight directly into your eyes, ok?

I wish for improved eyesight.

[farothel]

Not a problem. I'll just remove your eyes and replace them with cameras. Now you can zoom, have infrared vision and stuff like that.

I wish to know the names of all species of nudibranch by heart.