Overkill Wish Granting

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

(I, personally, welcome our lazor shark overlords.)
Granted! At first, many refuse to go, until they are provoked by being called chicken. Once they're there they agree that the voice is enchanting, and many fall to their deaths as they get distracted by the sheer awesomeness of a petrifying chicken rocking his guts out, which causes them to become petrified as they drown in the water, where the basilisk emerges and does a sick AF solo with the bodies that fell in there. Although many agree its horrible at first, they also agree that its FREAKING AWESOME, and they soon play across the Earth. Than it turns out everyone who listens to them gets petrified in increasingly awesome rocker poses. Finally, all the chickens break free from their farms and conquer the world with the power of METAL. The last human to die agrees it's metal AF.

I wish for a cross between a dragon, manticore, hydra, and a bunch of other really awesome creatures under my complete control.

[paddyfool]

Just one? You get an army of giant dramanhygritarlamicorns, and the power to shapeshift into their alpha. Feeding time is a bit of a logistical nightmare, however.

I wish to understand the biology of this new dragon-manticore-hydra-griffon-tarrasque-lamasu-unicorn hybrid.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You understand, only too well... Make a Sanity check.

I wish for my own evil lair of DOOM to store all these creatures.

[Book Wombat]

*finger snap* An ultimate lair of DOOM has been created for these monstrosities. Now they like it so much that they close the doors on you leaving you out in the cold.

I wish for a key that can open all doors. Even those without keyholes!

[Cicciograna]

Granted! You get your key, and decide to immediately test it on the door of the lair of DOOM in which the monstrosities are closed. You open the door and are invited to get in: you find out that the lair of DOOM has been exquisitely furnished, with classy mahogany furniture, elegant drapes and thick soft carpets. The monstrosities offer you delicious tea in simple yet tasteful china, and you spend a couple of hours in conversation with them. The following day you come back, bringing a pizza and some chocolates for a quiet night of binge-watching "Friends", season 5. You find yourself coming often and often, to the point that the monstrosities offer you to move in, giving you your personal key to their apartment. Satisfied, you throw away the old key and settle in with your new roommates.

I wish for a pizza, some chocolates, and a quiet night of binge-watching "Friends", season 6.

[Korith]

You are transported into the reality of Friends Season 6 as a pizza delivery person right after Rachel and Ross discover that they're married. And for some reason it starts raining chocolate.

I wish for a delicious baked potato with butter.

[Cicciograna]

Granted. It's the most delicious potato you've ever had, and once you've eaten it, it's gone forever. In the course of the years, you never get to taste any baked potato as good as that was. Potato eating gradually loses its appeal for you: every potato is inferior, no potato will ever replicate that moment of pure bliss you experienced eating that baked potato. That single wish ruined potatoes for you for the rest of your life.

I wish for a fountain pen whose ink never ends.

[georger0171]

Granted- the pen spills a neverending stream of ink, killing the local wildlife off.

I wish for the ability to shoot bullets from my fingertips.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

Granted, you can shoot bullets, cannonballs, grenades, missiles and nukes from your fingertips! Try not to kill us all before Monday, okay?

I wish for a water gun that could shoot any liquid I can think of.

[The Outsider]

You receive a device capable of producing a high-powered stream of any conceivable liquid imaginable, including forms of things previously assumed to only have solid/gaseous forms. The output is so great, in fact, that the recoil means it must be mounted on a reinforced holding device or else it could dislocate one's shoulder/punch a hole on the nearest wall. Have fun, and please don't summon any liquid antimatter.

I wish for an unlimited supply of antimatter.

[Cicciograna]

Granted. The surge of antimatter almost immediately annihilates with the regular matter that makes up the Cosmos, generating a universe-shattering explosion that pumps the closure parameter Ω to plus infinity, altering the structure of space-time itself and propelling all the remaining antimatter towards infinity. As the amount of antimatter is, however, neverending, new physics develops that is completely alien to our minds, as the very forces themselves that keep the universe together are completely reshaped, all the universal constants that we know totally reworked. It will be fun to re-discover and re-learn all the Physics.

I wish for a contest of mud-wrestling between Ganesh and Thor.

[georger0171]

Granted- Thor and Ganesh cause entire universes worth of damage to Earth, devastating civilization and destroying 99.99 percent of life. What few survivors are left are doomed to die, slowly and painfully, in mud pits, while light snow of ash drifts down onto them.

I hope you're happy.

I wish for a remote that controls the verbosity of people around me.

[Caerulea]

You get a remote that can control every aspect of someone you point it at, and it comes with a helpful interface and detailed user manual.
That being said, please use it on me, I love you and think you're the best and don't mind at all.


I wish my mind was my own.

[georger0171]

Granted- you get your mind back and also get telepathy, telekinesis, and all the other abilities gained from being a Level 30 Psion.

I wish for the ability to transform anything and everything within a 1km radius.

[Korith]

Granted, and it extends into the metaphysical, the spiritual, and the cognitive. You can flip things from sentient to nonsentient, good to evil, predispositioned towards violance into pacifists and so forth, or you can just turn an apple into a banana if that's what you really want.

I wish for a prototype Gundam

[Cicciograna]

Granted. Being a prototype, it doesn't work. It does make for an absolutely beautiful 118 tons lawn ornament, though.

I wish for more time.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

All the time for what? Like, just to live, or in between responsibilities during the day...? Well, whatever, this is the thread where I can just give you both! You perceive the world at 60x speed but age at 1/600th speed. Have fun.

I wish that life was fair?

[Book Wombat]

Everyone and everything gets transported to a separate reality where everything is fair for them.

I wish for a single world where everyone can be happy.

[Cicciograna]

Granted. You get a single world where every being in the universe is instantly teleported in a state of perfect, pure bliss.
The world is however unable to sustain life for too long, so everybody dies soon. But it's an enjoyable death.

I wish for the ability to perfectly convert my mind (not as in "the contents of my brain", but as in "my ideas") into human-readable, standard C++ code.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Okay, so, I noticed you said not your brain's contents, but I assumed you meant that more as clarification than a restriction, and... well, long story short, here's a C++ file that simulates the entire universe.

I wish for a pet tiger shark.

[Book Wombat]

You get a pet tiger shark! It even comes with an aquarium and a few thousand of its buddies!

I wish for a bottle which can create any liquid infinitely which was poured in and when a convenient button is pressed emptied.

[lacco36]

Your bottle is finished. Feel free to pour anything in. Of course, it will create the liquid infinitely, without stopping, never. It will continue even when you empty it - you know, the whole world is now covered in the liquid. I mean, whole universe. Congrats.

I wish for a simple device to clean my teeth white.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Belt sander!

I wish for the following items in my house to be returned to proper working condition: vent fan, bathroom window, smoke alarm, refrigerator, coffee table, clock.

[Book Wombat]

*finger snap* They work now, even better than before. The vent fan creates tornadoes, the bathroom window becomes a bathroom wall, the smoke alarm's detection range expands to 1000 kilometres, the refrigerator flash freezes anything put inside, the coffee table turns into a table made of coffee (still functioning though) and the clock can manipulate time.

I wish for a device which lets me hypnotize anyone by pressing a button.

[QuantumFlash]

You receive a Big Red Button. Every time this button is pressed, every single person in all of existence, including yourself, is simultaneously hypnotized and will follow the next suggestion or order, whatever it may be, that they hear. Pressing the button again resets this, stopping any action someone is doing and setting them to follow the next instruction they hear.

I wish for the best birthday party ever when it next comes around to my birthday.

[Cicciograna]

Granted! You get the best birthday party EVER, a lavish celebration in which you meet with all your friends and family and, on top of that, with famous people and celebrities, {Scrubbed} Amanda Gorman, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Homer Simpson, you receive the best gifts possible, a green diamond, a flying broomstick, a live unicorn, you meet again long-estranged relatives who have wronged you and who admit that it was all their fault, you somehow get to score the winning touch down in the Super Bowl, the Beatles crash your party and start playing (yes, even John and George, who get resurrected by the Seven Dragon Balls), you have the absolutely best time of your life and you also manage to score with the person of your dreams. Truly, it's the best birthday party ever.
The following one, is not. You get some celebrations, but they pale in comparison to the one of the previous year. You get some gifts, but they are just dumb stuff, that you accept with a half a smile and then promptly throw away, or drop in the drawer of your desk when you get home.
The following one is even worse. It's essentially just you and some friends having a beer. You spend the evening distracted. Remembering.
You start dreading your birthdays. You know that you've had the BEST experience ever in your life, and it's over. You know you'll never be able to enjoy birthday parties ever again, no matter what you do or who you see.
Depression ensues. You become cold and aloof. You shun the company of your friends: after all, you won't be getting anything good from them, so why bother? Why signing for two or three hours of boredom and disappointment? You spend your birthday alone, cradling your arms and rocking by yourself in a corner, in the darkness of your room. If you close your eyes, you can almost remember of a time when you were happy.
Almost.

I wish for QuantumFlash to be happy again.

[totadileplayz]

Quantumflash is always consistently happy. Every single moment makes him even happier then the moment before. No matter the situation his joy rises, nothing could ever make him be less mirthful.

I wish there was a Droid named Drod.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Granted! There's also a man named Ma and a totodile name Totadile. You're welcome.

I wish I could take losing more gracefully.

[Book Wombat]

Practice makes perfect! Now you'll lose at everything!

I wish to be able to rewind time back by one minute with no conditions or consequences while still keeping my memories.

[Rater202]

You now have complete and utter mastery of all forms of time travel and time manipulation.

I wish I didn't have potentially unhealthy levels of anxiety.