Mallside 10

[Earl of Purple]

Food Court

"I've got enough for two ice-creams. Nothing too fancy, though." And since I think they've probably finished their pizza, there's not much for them to do here.

[bc56]

Food Court

"That sounds good." Sekhmet follows Prumathe to ice cream. There isn't anything left to do here anyway.

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Parking Lot

Spoiler: Silly Plots Last Post

Show

[The Hegemony Flagship]

Zee ruminates, mostly.

On relationships.

On the connections between people.

On ways she can do better.

A lot of people really, honestly look up to her, don't they? She isn't perfect. She'll let people down. But she can still do better, right?

She also ruminates on Magtok's awful suit. It's like an ugly sweater in suit form. A blasphemy that ought not exist, yet is. She isn't sure whether she loves it or hates it.

"Thanks for giving me another perspective, Magtok," she says as she settles into the pod. "So how are we going to do this? Should I just call you Admiraltok? Or does that imply that you have a fleet of ships? Something else?"

Serious questions as they descend toward Mallside.

"Hrm...call me Yuletok," the clone decides, after a weighty pause. Yeah, that's probably the best option we've got right now. Short, simple, doesn't provoke any sort of difficult questions or elaborate deceptions that might- "I'm the Magtok of another universe, the Yuleniverse. It's a world of peace and harmony, one where I never became a villain at all. There's no war or suffering because long ago, we learned to harness the power of Thanksmas cheer, the most powerful energy source in the cosmos. Our worlds are very temporarily aligned right now, this is the only time I can pass through the barrier between worlds. As the Yuleniverse's emissary, I'm making the most of it by spreading as much glad tidings and holiday cheer as I can before I get sent back at the end of the year," Yuletok elaborates, describing his new identity and its accompanying backstory with the sort of shameless mirth and fervor you'd expect of a dweeb gushing about their latest and greatest OC. He clears his throat, checks his reflection in his shiny chrome left arm, and tries to decide if there's anything else he should get in order before the escape pod hurtling towards the parking lot asphalt punches a crater into the earth. Maybe establish how he met Zee, in case anyone asks? Figure out why his character is doing all this for Ilpholin, a complete stranger?

"Hey Zee, with your power and such, you probably understand The Narrative better than I do. Are people divided up into teams, each team directed by a singular mass of narrative goop the way I've theorized? Lives running in parallel, expressly forbidden from interacting, no matter how strange it may seem? Will Dipsnig really never speak to Wenomir? What would happen if you put Sakura on the phone with Kirk? Can Reinholdt and Ilpholin be in the same room at the same time without a third person present? Why doesn't-" He's talking about players, Zee, and I can't get into the reasons why at the moment, but I really don't think you should tell him anything. In fact, just to make sure this attempt to break the fourth wall doesn't go anywhere, there's a sudden, unexpected bit of turbulence as they pass through the clouds, which shakes the pod and renders whatever else Magtok was going to say entirely inaudible over all the rattling and quaking. The cyborg's expression sours, finding this interruption altogether too convenient for the powers that be, but powerless to do anything to stop it. A warning light goes on a few minutes later, reminding all passengers to remain strapped into their seats until the craft has landed, and the sound of loud, powerful thrusters kicks in as the pod slows to a more survivable speed. This whole landing nonsense takes about a minute and a half, and ends with a hatch in the ceiling opening up, a pleasant intercom voice thanking Magtok and Zee and wishing them a pleasant day, and car alarm nearby going off. Oh yikes, I really hope the pod was aimed as well as Yuletok implied, and they didn't actually hit anything. They didn't, don't worry.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Parking Lot]

"That's a pretty great backstory, Yuletok, but I can't very easily lie about things. Even if I try it'll be super obvious that I'm not telling the truth," Zee replies a bit apologetically. "I can share less than the whole truth. But I can't, or at least shouldn't, lie."

That'll make things a little harder, won't it? Maggy will just have to ham up his backstory by himself. But as to how he met Zee?

"How we met is easy, though. I brought you brownies because I sensed someone I hadn't brought brownies to before. Done! I can corroborate that part no problem."

Completely true! Though Magtok might object. She's brought him brownies before, right? Maybe just not this SPECIFIC him.

And then? Lots of questions about The Narrative. Zee doesn't wholly get it at first, but after he rambles for a little while she suddenly gets it in a flash of insight. Right as things get really fudgeing loud all of a sudden Zee begins her explanation in earnest. Judging from her excited expression and animated gesticulating she's really into this. Something about this subject must be interesting to her, and she's pouring out her heart to Magtok, just laying it all out there.

Due to the overwhelming noise during the descent Magtok won't be able to make out a single word that Zee said. In fact, her speaking cadence seems to perfectly sync with every blast of the rockets and every screech of super-heated air. This conversation couldn't have possibly been more perfectly drown out by noise than it was.

Once they've landed and hearing things is actually a thing again Zee concludes with-

"-which is why you shouldn't ever trust dolphins. I think I may have drawn too much attention with that little lecture so I'll avoid explaining it ever ever again."

Swell.

Zee hops out of the pod and glances about the parking lot. Hmm...

There are stray shopping carts everywhere. Some burned and mangled. Another looks like it went skidding away and slammed into someone's car, hence the alarm.

"I think we landed on a cart corral," Zee observes. "If people actually returned their carts to these things it probably would have been WAY more disastrous."

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Parking Lot

Admiral Yuletok follows Zee out of the pod, considering the world around them in silence. He's still a little bit bitter about his question getting interrupted so rudely, especially when all he really wanted was to validate his findings with some peer review. It's not like he was going to use knowledge of PCs and their players for evil, right? He wouldn't do something like try to keep Ilpholin's life as exciting and interesting as possible in the hopes that it'd drain all the energy right out of that stupid cat, would he?

...okay, maybe he would, but-

Ahem, anyway! He strides over to the car with the alarm going off, pulls out a wad of cash and a roll of tape, and uses that to affix the money to the driver-side door. That's a heck of a lot of money; is fixing a dent from a shopping cart really that expensive? Also, there's no guarantee some other person won't show up first and grab the money before the car's owner can get here, but that's a risk we'll just have to accept. We can only stick around here for so long. It's already December 7th; we've gotta get going if we want to get all these gifts delivered before the season is over!

"I don't really need anyone to believe in Yuletok, Zee. Just humor him, indulge his ridiculousness for a little while. Should be easy; people love eccentric weirdos. That's why you agreed to push the shopping cart," he informs her, setting one of the overturned carts back on its wheels, giving it a solid push, and then diving inside. He doesn't stop there, though. Oh no, if he just settled for merely riding in a shopping cart, that would look childish and sad. No, he instead pulls a set of reins out of his pocket, and a bunch of holograms materialize in front of him. Looks like a bunch of old guys in suits, wearing goofy reindeer antlers and geared up in complex harnesses in the manner meant to imitate that of a bunch of sleigh-pulling dogs.

"Now, Coolidge! Now, Cleveland! Now Arthur and Nixon!
On Reagan! On, Hoover! On, Truman and Wilson!
Through the lot full of cars! To inside of the mall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" Magtok calls out, ordering his ridiculous holograms (that bear no resemblance to any deceased, real-world political figures and shame on you for thinking otherwise) to pull the sleigh forward. They obviously can't do this at all because they're simply holograms and we already established that Zee is going to push the cart, but they do put on a fine show of running along and making it look like they're actually contributing.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Parking Lot]

...had she agreed to push the shopping cart?

Hmm...

Yeah. That's what is says. Zee shrugs and grasps the push-bar, trundling the cart down the parking lot toward Mallside proper at a measured pace. How fast the cart is moving and how fast the cart LOOKS like it should be moving based on how energetic the completely normal old dude holograms appear may be out of skew a bit. Zee isn't going to go charging down the lot, though, she's a responsible adult!

...

Okay, no, she's got one foot braced against the back of the cart and she's kicking with the other leg. The cart is zooming along like a giant skateboard now. Or maybe a scooter. Apparently the slow start was just to get things rolling.

She does, however, slow down and begin walking once she makes it to the doors of the mall to avoid running anyone over.

Zee isn't thoughtless AND heartless, after all.

Oh.

And people are pulling out their smart phones and smart watches and smart glasses and smart pens and smart toasters to film the goings on. There was a video on Nextube the other day of Zee smashing the absolute SNOT out of a bunch of evil robots. It has become common knowledge by now that one of Inside's beloved public faces is back. And to see her out engaging in shinanagins with Yuletok is-

Wait.

Why did this live-stream just upload as 'Yuletok and Zee's Thanksmas Dudesled Spree'? Could have sworn 'Magtok' was typed. Try that again... Nope. Still Yuletok. Weird.

Anyway!

Into Mallside they go!

"I'm thinking a boxasocks," Zee says. "Babies outgrow socks super-fast so a selection of difference sizes would probably be a thoughtful gift, right?"

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Parking Lot => Mallside Proper

The admiral is just a little bit confused by all of the phones and watches and glasses and so on. He knows what a smartphone is, he's not that behind on things, but he doesn't remember there being quite so many back in 2014. The Nexus is changing, modernizing with every passing year, and he's...a little ambivalent about it, honestly. He has a certain image, one he refuses to compromise for any reason whatsoever, but what happens when that image becomes obsolete? If cyborgs and laser guns become a regular, commonplace thing in our brave new world, will he cease to be exciting and spectacular to the general public? How far will he have to go to retain an audience when all his toys and wonders enter the mainstream?

"Socks are good. That can be your present for her. I'm leaning towards a stroller, personally. I can imagine Ilpholin pushing her spooky fae baby along in one, rolling on up to the other Nexus moms looking proud as can be because her kid can already say 'momma' and make milk spoil just by looking at it, and theirs still haven't even figured out the basics of toddling yet," the cyborg describes, putting together this elaborate playground scenario that probably couldn't even happen until a year or two from now.

"So...Zee, how does it feel knowing you're going to be a granny soon?," Yuletok teases, as he points out a nearby clothing store. You'll never see this guy becoming a grandparent, no sir. All of his kids are far too cool and/or deadtimed to do anything dumb like settle down and start a family. Of course, even if they wanted to, they're not allowed. Grandkids would be proof that Magtok is old. Completely impossible; we're supposed to be young forever. On an unrelated note, oh good, a few of the businesses here are still where he remembers them! Not too many, though. Quite a few have closed down, and-wait, hold on, this place has public wi-fi?! When did that happen? Yuletok connects, downloads a map of the mall, and tries not to be too taken aback by how much things can change in only half a decade. We have to expect a few surprises like this as we race through the shopping center, though. Just because Zee's still around doesn't mean the world is going to be exactly as we left it, after all.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

Just wait until he sees how common quad-copters with cameras on them are now.

These days anyone can spy on their neighbors like a creepy voyeur!

"The baby MIGHT not be spooky," Zee points out. "Just because the child's daddy is some kind of primordial spirit of fear doesn't mean that Ilpholin's kid is going to be equally spooky. It doesn't always work like that with fae."

She gives a little thoughtful hum.

"Honestly, fae aren't that big on consistency to begin with. I think the only rules they really stick are less rules and more guidelines for making the Game more fun. It's like playing with a bunch of kids who get mad because you don't know the rules for their make-believe contest that they invented on the spot. Only difference between fae and actual children is that most children can't turn you into a jack-in-the-box if you upset them. Except for that one kid from the Twilight Zone, I guess, but he was probably a changeling. ...what were we talking about again?"

Zee glances in that weird not-quite-up direction.

"Oh, right. Baby gifts. Yeah, a stroller sounds good. Though... hmm. The first time I saw the twins they were infants. The NEXT time I saw them was a few months later and they were already adults. I kinda hope my grand-daughter doesn't do the instant-grow-up thing because then I wouldn't be able to spoiler her rotten and force her mom to be the responsible adult," Zee reasons. It sounds like she has absolutely no issue with being old OR being a grandma.

Boy, she really shot Yuletok down on that one without even trying.

Then?

She turns the cart toward Bit's 'n Babs. A shop for baby-related needs! For some mysterious reason most of the employees appear to be weird little mushroom people, most of which seem varying levels of grumpy. Why would myconids open a store that sells stuff for babies? What's the connection here?

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

Yuletok hops out of the cart. Now that they're no longer speeding around at a reckless pace that could see him thrown out of the cart by a single bump in the road, standing in there just feels like the sad kind of immature, rather than the sort of exciting, eccentric, funny immature he's made himself known for. Also yes, there is a difference, shut up. As for the store they're advancing upon, the admiral is almost totally certain he's missing a joke. It could just be that some fungus has a really big family and doesn't need to hire outside of it to fill all the positions at this store, but that's almost certainly not the whole picture. There's some connection between the store name and that little guy from Mario Kart, Yuletok just can't seem to figure out what it is.

"If there's no way of knowing Ilpholin is going to need this stuff for more than two weeks, maybe we should get something for her instead of just the baby? Actually, while we're here, maybe I should probably do something for the other clones. I mean, I'm sure they'll get a kick out of watching a replay of these memories later, but the lot of them are probably as sick to death of just hovering in space. We found so many crazy and exciting worlds out there, but now instead of checking all those places out, we're just...floating. What would you get a whole bunch of me if you had to get me something?" I think Yuletok's just taking it for granted that he's not going to get anything from anyone this year. Zee has her own family to worry about, all gifts meant for Magtok should be going to the scout, and that only leaves happyturret and the other AI, who can't really 'gift' anything besides carefully sculpted holograms. That's fine, though. Just getting out of that stuffy space ship and being Magtok again Yuletok is gift enough. Maybe he'll do it again on the next major Nexus holiday, if he can keep the scout from finding out about it.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"I'm still getting her a boxasocks," Zee says, determination resonating in her words. "Or the baby gets the boxasocks. I can get something else for her, too."

Into Bit's 'n Babs! Zee heads straight for the sock aisle and quickly finds what she's looking for. A great big colorful box claiming to supply a range of socks for babies from newborn to one year old. A years worth of socks is a pretty great gift, right? Unless we're talking about older kids. They usually hate socks. And... technically babies kind of hate socks, too. As soon as they develop enough manual dexterity to reach their own feet they usually pull them off and toss them on the floor.

The little anarchists.

And then-!

Umm...

She needs to pay for this, doesn't she?

So Zee pulls off her hat that doesn't exist! It's a wide rimed fedora, Carmen Sandiego style. Just an earthy brown like her coat, to contrast with the forest green of her shirt and scarf. She reaches inside, pulls out some money, and plops it down on the counter. Transaction complete! Zee puts her hat back on and it fails to vanish this time.

Now... what next?

"What would I get for a bunch of you?" Zee repeats the question aloud, pondering. "Huh. That's actually pretty tough. You were always more or less set when it comes to material possessions. You guys have a whole-" she makes a vague wave with one hand.

To anyone else it'll look like a completely meaningless gesture.

But to Yuletok it'll be as obvious as if Zee had yelled it at the top of her lungs.

'fleet of space ships'

"-you know? Maybe something to take care of. Little pets like betta fish or hermit crabs. Or little potted succulents," she reasons as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out an acorn. Zee closes her fist around the seed and when she opens it there's a tiny little wooden pot about as big around as a quarter with an equally tiny silver-tip pine growing in it. Atop the tree is the lil'st glass star ornament ever. She holds it out to Yuletok. "Like this. Merry Thanksmas, Yuletok!"

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"Oh. I wasn't expecting you to-" You weren't expecting anyone to get you a present, yes, we know. We went over this in the last post, weren't you paying attention? I mean, Zee clearly knows how to read, and she's at least twice as airheaded as you are, so how hard could it possibly be? Yuletok, hey, don't ignore me when I'm talking to you! Put that stroller down; we're in the middle of something here! Hey, stop exchanging goods for currency! I need you to focus over here, I've got important information on what your scout has been up to, where you can find those Faction traitors, the truth about Feiadyne that hasn't even been spoken of in the Srs Plots thread. You just need to close your eyes and focus on The Game the way Zee does, I'm sure if you just try really hard you can-

"Hm. Could stop by the pet store and get an aquarium later. One for each ship, a few fish for each clone. I could also give everyone hologuises along with a few weeks of shore leave. Maintain a whole bunch of alter egos to make sure the Scout doesn't think we're watching him, avoiding any negative attention that a swarm of bored clones would bring down on us. Probably the best way to keep everyone sane..." the Admiral thinks aloud, ignoring the faint buzzing in his ears. Probably nothing to worry about, he thinks. Certainly not the narrative yelling ineffectually in his ear and cursing him for neglecting his ability to pierce the fourth wall until it withered away to baseless theories and worthless superstition. Nope, couldn't possibly be anything like that.

"So that's the thing we came here for out of the way. Who's hosting the Thanksmas event this year, anyway?" Oh right, probably should've thought to ask that sooner. Might've made things easier if we got the awkward conversation about HALO and its locals over with before we were financially obligated to go there no matter what.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"I know!" Zee replies cheerfully. "That's why I did it. That way it wold be a great Thanksmas surprise."

The unspoken tirade seems a little odd to her, though. But not surprising. Magtok's worldline is always kind of...

Ranty?

Is that the best way to describe it? Like there's someone trying to pull Magtok's attention through it, but it just isn't working. Zee can't imagine what would be doing that. Certainly not anyone she knows.

...she isn't sure whether or not to be offended about being called air-headed, though.

She isn't even a little bit air-headed! She just has oodles of information to sort through and she isn't quite used to it yet. That's all.

Honest.

"I think fishtanks would be a great idea. Or maybe even hamsters! Anything small that can be contained pretty easily would be wonderful."

Or house plants. Zee likes house plants.

"Okay, question. Why ARE you trying to be all secretive about this?" Zee asks curiously. "Prime isn't here. He's off in space somewhere doing space things. Who are you worried about finding out?"

Seems to be needlessly complicated to her.

"Thanksmas is at HALO this year. I already gave Rein his gift and I'm working up the nerves to give Ilpholin hers. I'm really glad I managed to get here in time to buy it for her, otherwise some weird continuity stuff might have happened. I'm glad I managed to avoid that since the Hounds of Tindalos are a pain to deal with."

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"It's the Nexus I'm worried about here, not Prime. Someone's going to say 'Oh hey, cool space fleet! I want to interact with it!' and they're going to be giving out torpedoes instead of brownies because that's always been a popular way to interact with stuff like that. Marciano is going to come back to life with his own space weapons somehow, Excelsior is going to rise from its grave, AMEN is going to seek revenge for something I don't remember doing, Remnant made me swear to never put anything in orbit ever again but who cares what they think, HALO might decide this is the opportunity to use their air base they've always been waiting for, and try to steal my stuff for the good of the Vulpanian people..." Yuletok has no idea who the Vulpanian people actually are, but supposedly Reinholdt's fox friends have positions in their royalty and armed forces. It's usually a good idea to assume that any friends of Reinholdt that the cyborg has never met are irrevocably corrupted and convinced of the cat's innocence, and capable of doing anything and everything to protect the feline under the misguided assumption that doing so would result in some sort of net good for the world, rather than allow that vile cancer to spread and metastasize.

"Wait, hold on, you said it's in HALO? Really? Tobias didn't veto that because of the potential security risks involved?" Yuletok frowns, unsure how his presence in HALO would be received, given his stint as leader there a while back probably didn't win him any points with the old guard. But Mags, Tobias isn't even in HALO anymore. I haven't seen a post with him in it in ages. If you're expecting some wily fox to jump out and spook you, you'll be waiting an awfully long time. Didn't your scout explain these details in his reports? You have been reading the reports, haven't you?

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"There was actually a space-y spot for a while," Zee recounts. "But it kind of went away. They usually do. It's probably because space is both incomprehensibly vast and incomprehensibly boring."

Sounds like she, unlike certain sphere, isn't a huge fan of space.


"Also Remnant isn't around anymore," Zee comments. "There's a new police force called Intersection, but I think they just do police stuff. It's like the ye olde towne police, except not that many people get arrested because random crime getting perpetrated in Trog's doesn't really happen so much anymore."

Ah, the old police days.

Zee was on the police force for a while! Fun times. How the world has changed since then, though.

Everything felt so much smaller.

"I... think I met Tobias once or twice?" Zee mutters thoughtfully. "I'm sure I haven't seen him at the party, though. The people in charge now don't seem too adverse to having a party. In fact, I think they really pushed for it. I had offered to host it at Trog's, but I guess HALO was further up on the waiting list so-"

Then she sucks in a breath through her teeth and stumbles.

A crimson spot begins spreading across her pants at the right thigh.

"Ow ow ow ow I hate snipers!"

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

Yuletok dives before his brain has time to even register what's going on, his body swooping towards Zee's to push her out of the way of nothing at all. He has a death ray in his hand and firing up at the ceiling before he's even had a moment to look at the ceiling, hoping to distract whatever sniper is out there with suppressive fire while dozens of fuzzy holograms of Zee and himself scatter in fear in every direction. They need to move, they need get clear of this threat now, he's not letting her die here. Raril will assume it was all his fault, the whole Xar'cha family's Thanksmas will be ruined, panic will take hold of everyone and someone else will die in the pandemonium before the killer is ever located. He has to-

...wait a second, this is Mallside. There hasn't been a single recorded shoot-out here in its entire history, insofar as our cyborg is aware. Violence just doesn't seem to ever happen here, the same way the Dancing Fox Inn must be magically proofed against any sort of hostile intent. Zee was talking about being in other places simultaneously, doing other things. She mentioned attending the Thanksmas event, even as she stood here shopping for it right now. She's not being sniped here, her body is just...weird, I think. She can't be in two places at once the same way you can, Yuletok, so her body's just taking on injuries here and there, maybe. Hm.

"You're in a fight somewhere else," he guesses, just a little embarrassed by his dive-roll protocol kicking in like that. "It's not at HALO, is it? Should we hurry there? Does other-you need backup?" he asks, trying to do the math in his head to determine if they could hide the wound, deliver the presents, and get Zee out of there before Ilpholin realizes her step-mom is dying violently. It's probably too late to rush in and intervene in the fight himself, but if they can shoot her once, they can shoot her again, surely.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

Usually when someone makes a disparaging comment about snipers it isn't just because they hate camping children in FPS video games.

Unless of course the context is shootan gaems.

Then that might be totally reasonable.

Anywho! Stuff happens. Zee gets tackled, holograms run everywhere, a death ray ruins a perfectly serviceable ceiling fixture, and people stand around taking videos of the whole thing. Because of course they do. That's what people do these days when nonsense breaks out. Unless it is incredibly apparent that they're in immediate danger, they take video recordings to post on their MyFace page in hopes of garnering upvotes rather than feeling for their lives. The world sure has changed, hasn't it?

Zee pulls the leg straight off her pants right above the wound, tearing the fabric into strips pretty quickly. Then from her hat? She pulls out some rather handy blood-absorbing accessories, rips them out of their little packages, shoves them against the wound, and ties the strips of cloth tight over them. That'll at least prevent her from bleeding all over the place. Now she's battle-damaged Zee!

"I'm in a fight somewhere and somewhen else," Zee replies, gritting her teeth a bit as she stands up. "It won't start for another three days or so, from your perspective. So trying to rush to my rescue won't help much. It isn't at the party. Some evil robots are, eer, will be trying to take over the Riftline hub. Everywhere I'm at in the Nexus is 'now' from my perspective. Even if they're different times from everyone else's."

She flashes a smile, fighting down the pain. "Don't worry too much, I'll be fine. I know there's a sniper robot now."

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

Yuletok eyes Zee suspiciously. 'I'll be fine' sounds exactly like something someone who's going to die soon in a protracted, tragic final battle that will serve to inspire her comrades to be better than they ever were before, and also cement the new villain's status as a serious business dude that needs to be feared and respected now that he has at least one PC death on his record.

"If I said it's okay to just poof out of here and focus more Zee-matter on the fight instead of Thanksmas shopping, would you listen? I can deliver both gifts and say you got caught up in a fight in Skyline, and after a poignant moment of wondering if you're going to survive and/or show up, that's when the narrative can have you run in, panting and blood-stained but still alive," the cyborg suggests, doing his best to ignore the crowd around them. It's not particularly difficult; they're just scenery to him, disposable props and window dressing. They've always been reacting foolishly and thinking stupid thoughts, even back in the early days. Why, I bet you some of them saw Magtok and Zee buying baby clothes and a stroller and jumped to the worst possible conclusion, the filthy shippers. You'd have to be some kind of massive idiot to think Magtok would ever hook up with Zee. Just the absolute dumbest moron in the world. She's married, for one, and second of all, that's just way too much crazy in a relationship. That's why they both date comparatively normal people; you have to have balance in these things. Also she might be dying right now, and dying women aren't really his type, y'know? Too much blood and tragedy, and they're terrible with long-term commitments.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

Remember when Zee said that she can't, or at least shouldn't, lie?

Either she is quite certain that she'll be fine or it is objectively true that she'll be fine. If neither of those things were correct then there would be a pretty immediately obvious indication that they aren't. Not a growing nose, probably. But something for sure.

"It doesn't really work like that," Zee says as she smooths out her make-shift bandage and then gives the leg of her pants a tug. The pant leg is now the correct length again, though a bit bunchy around the dressing. She climbs back to her feet and soldiers on, leaning a bit more heavily on the cart than she was previously. "It's a time thing. Not a critical mass of Zeeness thing. There's still only one of me at any given time. But in the Nexus time is a pretty wishy-washy subject."

She smiles and gives a thumbs up to the gawking crowd. That seems to appease most of them, at least. Except for the degenerate shippers. They're probably going to keep stalking Magtok and Zee until someone lodges a formal complaint and the Mall Kopz kick them out.

"I'm still wanting to get something for Ilpholin, not just the baby on the way. But I'm kind of drawing a blank on what to get her though. A demon-slaying sword would really send the wrong message. And I spent some much time shamefully avoiding her that I really don't know what sorts of things she likes. You've spent time around her, though, right? What sort of Thanksmas themed material possession would she enjoy?" Zee asks as her mouth and diaphragm do the little dancer of someone desperately trying not to laugh. She's picking up not only Magtok's shipping commentary but that of all the unwritten NPC types who are nearby. Apparently she finds the idea hilarious.

Really? Her and Magtok? That wouldn't ever work out. They're both zany-antics people, just with a different motivating factor behind their antics. These are the sorts of people you play off each other for giggles every now and again. Having them around each other all the time would make the joke drag and no one would like that.

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"I spent time around her in her 'I've been infected with demons and now I'm going to sleep with every other member of AMEN and make them demons too' phase, Zee. By that, I mean I sat on the couch with the volume turned all the way up, wondering why being second-in-command of AMEN mostly meant processing new member forms and getting killed by petulant adult children every few minutes," Yuletok explains, his mind drifting to a particularly unpleasant 'fight' where a fork was lodged in his spleen after some teleportation shenanigans. Death was a constant in those days. In fact, immediately after that incident, when an associate expressed concern about his physical condition, he said

"I'm always going to be briefly dying. Just part of being me and all."

And gods, if that flashback just now didn't put everything in perspective for him. The scout has been here for over a year without dying. Imagine how much we could've accomplished back then, if we weren't so irrationally attached to our nostalgia for the first few months of AMEN? If we weren't so committed to that awful place out of some hideously misguided tribalism leading us to die for it, over and over again?

"I don't know what she's like now. Given how it all ended in setting us up to die in the middle of a four-way war in Riverside and I never saw any of that coming, I don't know if I ever really knew her then, either. Honestly, now that I'm going over these memories in detail, I think I really don't like your step-daughter at all, Zee. I'm still going to do this stupid Thanksmas thing with a smile on my face for her, but-" Yuletok sighs, the Thanksmas cheer draining right out of his face.

"Maybe it was the demons that made her like that? I remember not hating her once, back before we took over AMEN. She had a little robot catgirl daughter built for me and Elly when we got engaged." Where is Margret these days, anyway? Haven't seen much of her since that panic attack after the Riverside invasion, when it occurred to us that she could be a saboteur, spy, or assassin rather than our own adorable little girl. Is she in some storage container within the fleet? Did we leave her permadeadtimed in the junk heap at the bottom of the MagCave? Are we the worst father in the history of the Nexus for not knowing the answers to any of these questions?

"I don't...I don't know, a bottle of wine from the Underdark? Some new boots for stomping on the skulls of her enemies? I'm sorry, I forgot that thinking about the past always sends me down depressive spirals. Can you say something jolly? What about a plate of your brownies, would that work? Some jewelry, a new phone, a Thanksmas sweater?" Yuletok fires out all his suggestions at once, desperately trying to claw his way out of that awful dark place where death, pain, and suffering is as routine and mundane as breakfast, and in fact, more likely to be experienced on any given day than a hearty plate of eggs, bacon, and pancakes. Why is is that whenever he thinks back to any part of his life that wasn't yesterday, it goes like this? There were good days, weren't there? I mean, he used to have nostalgia for his time in AMEN, for his time working with Ilpholin. There had to be something he liked about that place, right? And where is Margret? The scout hasn't found her yet, but with all his side projects, his fake Feia apocalypse, one has to wonder if he's even looked at the MagCave lately, let alone plumbed its depths like he's supposed to.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"I never could figure out the draw of AMEN. It just didn't make sense to me. You guys mostly just sat around holed up in your base indulging violent impulses directed at each other," Zee muses. "I know I brought you brownies once. That was the first time I met Cauliflower."

She is really committed to the whole brownie thing.

"There's a proverb we had back home. Like... actual Zee home. Not transcendent spooky-town that I fought my way out of over the past seven or so years. "'Do not say 'Why were the old days better than these?' for you do not inquire wisely in this matter.'" We always pine for the past. But the past is gone and we often times get the best bits stuck in our minds while the worst bits get glossed over. Remember the past, learn from it, but don't let it control you. Move forward. Move on."

And-

Wow.

That's a pretty depressing infodump of misery and emotional pain. It's like one of those abusive relationships where someone knows that they should cut off all ties but they have this nagging hope that things will be better this time for real.

"It probably was the demons. The Cthun demons really sucked," Zee relies with an affirmative nod. "But look on the bright side, Magtok! She isn't demoned anymore! And neither of you are in AMEN. You can use this as a chance to really start over again. And since you aren't demon-related in any fashion she probably won't try to stab you with a fancy buffet fork."

See Magtok?

There's a bright side to everything.

Zee briefly examines one of those mall map kiosks, pondering what a good gift might be. Ooooh! A fuzzy slipper emporium! That sounds great. And... huh. Someone must have taken over the Barkhouse Bestiary? Or at least its name. Weird. She begins heading for the Slipper Lounge.

"Do you want me to help you find Margret?" Zee offers. "I have no idea who she is, but she sounds important to you."

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"No...no, the scout will find her or he won't, it's not my place to spend so much time actively doing things around the Nexus. I have to get back to the ship as soon as this is done and disappear for a while," Yuletok shakes his head, putting his sad stuff aside to wonder how a business could possibly survive out here with such a narrow specialty. Are slippers really that big of a deal to people? He can understand devoting an entire store to shoes, but slippers? Is there some specific subculture that only wears slippers, or a bunch of lizardfolk who need them custom-made for their weird monster lizard feet, maybe? I still don't see why you wouldn't just wear shoes like Yoshi does, though. People in this world are so weird.

"A simple spider design, I guess? Maybe something made with their silk? She was always into that drow aesthetic, and she can still indulge in an aesthetic without having to be bad as the people it usually represents," Yuletok offers, trying to be more than completely useless. This whole misadventure was his idea; now is not the time to give up and let lost and/or deadtimed family push him into a fugue of uselessness and self-pity.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

Yep.

There it is.

The Slipper Lounge.

Big slippers, little slippers, fuzzy slippers, wooden slippers. All sorts of slippers! They have several giant novelty sized slippers that are large enough to be beds.

The bigger a city is, the more room one will find for absurdly narrow specialty shops like this. And given that the City is pretty much the biggest city it probably shouldn't to that much of a surprise that a place like this exists.

Zee heads straight in and quickly selects a pair fuzzy black slippers with little legs and googly eyes.

Spider slippers!

It isn't hard to find a theme for someone when they go all-in on stereotypical drow stuff.

"Okay! That part of the mission is accomplished!" Zee declares as the slippers are placed in a little bag for her. "Up next, fish tanks for the you know what. Did you know they've got a Barkhouse Bestiary here?"

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"I thought that was your place. How can they have a Barkhouse Bestiary when you've been busy being dead?" Yuletok asks, which is a pretty fair question, as far as questions go. Did Zee sell the rights before she kicked the bucket? Sell the store and the rights? Are they going to charge in and start swatting everyone with brooms for daring to steal what rightfully belongs to the horror-terror adventurer?

"I think maybe six aquarium tanks should be fine. Nothing too crazy; we can buy more fish and stuff later on," he remarks, as if six aquariums could possibly be considered a reasonable thing to buy someone for Thanksmas. How's he even going to carry all of that up to space, anyway? I suppose when you have final say over the fleet's entire budget, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, though, spending that much money on fish. Might even keep everyone from completely losing their marbles for another few months. Harder to have traumatic flashbacks when you're not even thinking about all the people you've hurt, just quietly dropping little flakes of fish food into a tank and watching the fishies gobble it all up.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"It WAS my place," Zee confirms. "And it was a tree-building across the street from Woozy's Herb Emporium. I guess things have rearranged a whole lot since I was gone? Maybe someone just decided to use the name?"

It wasn't like Zee was around to file a trademark dispute or anything.

The Barkhouse Bestiary is...

Well.

The only thing it has in common with the old shop is the sign, which was shamelessly stolen off her treehouse. Otherwise the place looks like your average PetCo or any other large chain pet store. None of the whimsy. None of the strangeness. Just tired looking retail employees and lots of pet supplies.

"Welcome to the Barkhouse Bestiary," says a late-teen, his voice kinda crackly. It is easy to tell the Thanksmas season weighs more heavily on some than others. He doesn't even look up from doing inventory when Maggy and Zee walk in. "I'm Mark. Let me know if you need help finding anything."

"Well howdy, Mark!" Zee replies with her typical cheer. One can see Mark's shoulders slump a little, as if to say, 'Oh no. Human interaction.' She takes a few steps closer. "I'm Zee! And this is my festive Thankmas-themed pal, Yuletok! We're here to buy some aquariums."

At those words the poor, belabored retail worker looks up, shock and surprise in his eyes.

Did...

Did two celebrities just walk into the store? Is something great going to break up the day's monotony rather than a bratty kid knocking a betta fish bowl onto the floor?

This is your chance, Yuletok. Wow him.

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

Yuletok considers starting off by saying something incredibly hostile and mean about the sign theft, before he actually stops and looks at who he's standing in front of him. This is just some retail schmuck, he wouldn't know anything about the sign. Hell, the kid probably never even met the guy who stole the sign, or if he did, it's someone he personally detests for unrelated reasons, so getting on the boy's case about it here and now would be the least productive or holly jolly thing Yuletok could be doing with his precious time.

"Six aquariums," he clarifies instead. "I'm buying for my other selves, who've been looking for some sort of hobby or side project to pass the time. Zee suggested betta fish, which I suspect is a subtle dig at my ego, but I don't know enough about fish to be sure. Also, Mark, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm a wealthy idiot who can't remember if retail workers are allowed to take tips, but too pushy and self-important to let that stop me if you say no." Sure, why not? It's not like that pile of money the fleet's saved up is doing anything useful. Let's make the Thanksmas season a little bit brighter even for the peasant folk and retail serfs.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

That's a good thing to understand when it comes to retail workers, Yuletok. Very rare is the case where the thing upsetting a Thanksmas shopper has anything to do with the worker. They're just suffering through the holiday season hoping that it will be at least tolerable. No sense in yelling at this guy, he has no idea what's going on.

The young man quickly scoots into Customer Service mode. It is pretty well known that Magtok is loaded and a hefty holiday tip might mean he can have spaghetti and meatballs for dinner instead of ramen for a few days.

"Oh, ah, it probably wasn't a dig at your ego, sir," Mark replies as he stands up. "Betta fish are very aggressive, assertive animals by nature. They're colorful and active, especially if you give them a mirror to try to threaten."

Assertive, flamboyant, and kind of dumb?

Maybe that was a dig at your ego, after all, Magtok.

"They're right over here," he says, leading our Thanksmas shoppers to a set of shelves with little fish bowls. Each contains some VERY colorful, frilly fish. As Magtok grows close one of them spots his reflection in Magtok's shiny chrome face and immediately puffs out his gills, flares his fins, and wriggles aggressively.

"Would you look at that!" Zee observes. "He just met you, Magtok, and he's already threatening your life."

These fish are absolutely the perfect Magtok pet.

"These are just temporary bowls," Mark says. "They can live in them, but it isn't the best. Ideally you want a two and a half or five gallon tank for your betta fish to be healthy and happy. A bigger tank has more room for decoration, too."

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"I've discovered my spirit animal," Yuletok whispers in awe. He might be hamming it up a little for his audience; I don't think he actually believes in spirit animals. Heck, even if he did, you could easily make a much better case for something like a magpie, cockroach, or marmorkreb than you could a betta fish. That said, if he had to pick a fish, it'd definitely be this one.

"I'll take this one. For the other bettas, do they come in purple? Purple's kind of my thing, and-oh, there's one!" Magtok moves with remarkable fluidity past Mark and Zee, sliding along without his feet ever touching the ground at all. Never mind what I said a moment ago. This, this is Magtok's spirit animal. His eyes glue themselves to the tank and he makes a couple of stupid face at the fish before deciding to commit the rest of his holiday shopping budget to this one pet store.

"I'll probably be starting off with just these guys for now, but when I eventually come back, are there any kinds of aquatic pets that bettas do get along with? Maybe a snail or two?" He asks, even as he's already moved on and started eyeballing the empty tanks, trying to figure out what size to go for and where he'll be putting them. On most of the ships in the fleet, the bridge would do fine, but neither The Ratavo nor The Frosthand have room, and it would be a damn shame for them to get boarded by space pirates who shoot through the fish tank instead of around it like the incredibly rude interstellar raiders that they are.

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

Just in this brief window Magtok will be able to see that the fish have wildly different personalities. Some of them ignore him, obviously they're more important than this half-metal ape ogling them and thus he's beneath their notice. Others watch him curiously, though not aggressively. Some poof out their gills a bit. Others go into full on 'you wanna have a go, mate?' mode like the first one he looked at. Every single one of them is flamboyant and ostentatious in its own unique way.

"Cleaning snails and shrimp help keep the tank clean," Mark says. "But if you get shrimp, make sure to keep the bettas well fed or they might eat their room-mates."

People stuck in a small space murdering each other?

Sounds like AMEN.

"Bettas can live in very small tanks, but that makes it harder to keep ammonia levels down. We usually suggest two and a half or five gallon tanks for them. They're much bigger than these bowls, but that just means more room for personalization and decoration. If you go with a larger tank, a crayfish makes a good tank-mate since they won't eat each other. We just got in a shipment of marbled crayfish. They're pretty interesting since they clone themselves. The betta would probably eat the babies, though."

Oh wow, bettas eat babies! You don't know anyone like that, do you Magtok?

Zee, meanwhile, is over there examining various aquarium decorations.

[Lord Magtok]

Mallside Thanksmas Shopping

"Parthenogenesis, neat!" Yuletok says, mostly to show off that he knows what that word means and how it's applicable here. "So make sure the betta isn't hungry enough to eat anyone, and keep it away from any crayfish babies unless I'm okay with traumatizing the crayfish mom into dedicating the rest of her invertebrate life to revenge against the betta baby-biter," the cyborg repeats, to make sure he has a solid grasp on the situation here. At this point he's already figured out which tanks and which bettas he's leaving the store with, so all that's left is picking a few decorations, making plans to come back here later for the crayfish, shrimp, and snails, and deciding exactly how much we're going to tip! Hrm...is it standard to tip 115% or 120% in these situations? I think it's 120% if we were given excellent service, and Mark's done a pretty great job so far, hasn't he?

[Rebonack]

[Mallside Thanksmas Shopping]

"That's about it, sir. And make sure to clean out their tanks on a weekly basis. Replace about a quarter of the water with new water. That'll keep the ammonia levels down," Mark explains. "Would you like me to pack up the tanks for you? We've got some Styrofoam inserts to make sure they don't break the on the trip back to your... umm... cave?"

Okay cool.

It sounds like the NPCs here at Mallside are assuming Yuletok is the Scout wearing a hideous sweater.

Why wouldn't they?

There has only been one Magtok here in the Nexus for a while now. Why would that change all of a sudden?

And Zee?

Zee is over there making faces at a large salamander. The salamander watches her, completely impassive. Or maybe it's just staring at the wall behind her. It's hard to tell with salamanders.