That's A Tasty Build... (D&D Humor)

[tsuyoshikentsu]

Repost from here. Thought you'd like it. Go there and read the rest; they're pretty good too. Oh, and Phoenix_Inferno is a rather prolific poster on the CharOp boards, if you didn't know.

Tsuyoshikentsu: Okay, so tell me again about Eberron.

Phoenix_Inferno: Okay, watcha wanna know?

TK: Eberron is live now, right?

PI: Yeah, it's live, but it ain't 100% live. I mean, you can't just walk into a... game store, roll an Artificer, and start playing away. I mean, they want you to play it in your home campaign or certain designated games.

TK: And those are RPGA games.

PI: Yeah, it breaks down like this, okay, it's legal to buy it, it's legal to play it, and if you're the DM of a RPGA game, it's legal to run it. It's legal to use it, but, but, that doesn't matter, because... get a load of this, all right, if you get stopped by a DM in Amsterdam, it's illegal for them to character audit you. I mean, that's the right the DMs in Amsterdam DON'T have.

TK: Oh man, I'm going, that's all it is to it, I'm ****in' going.

PI: I know baby, you dig it the most.... But you know the funniest thing about Europe is?

TK: What?

PI: It's the little differences. I mean, they got the same **** over there that they got here, but it's just, it's just, theirs is a little different.

TK: Example.

PI: Alright, well you can walk into a movie theater in Amsterdam, and buy a splatbook. And I don't mean just like no Complete Psionic, I'm talking about Serpent Kingdoms. And in Paris, you can buy a splatbook in McDonald's. And you know what they call an... an... an optimized build in Paris?

TK: They don't call it an optimized build?

PI: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the **** an optimized build is.

TK: Then what do they call it?

PI: They call it a build with cheese.

TK: A build with cheese. What do they call a munchkin?

PI: Well, a munchkin's a munchkin, but they call it le munchkin.

TK: Le munchkin. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a roleplayer?

PI: I dunno, I didn't read "What's a DM to Do?" ...You know what they put on Druid 20 builds in Holland instead of Natural Spell?

TK: What?

PI: Wild feats.

TK: Damn! (Laughs)

PI: I seen them do it man, they ****in' drown them in that ****.

TK: Yuck.

[Bassetking]

Jules: We should have Greatswords for this kind of deal.
Vincent: How many up there?
Jules: Three or four.
Vincent: That's countin' our guy?
Jules: Not sure.
Vincent: So that means there could be up to five guys up there?
Jules: It's possible.
Vincent: We should have frickin' Greatswords.

[themightybiggun]

Edited because I can't stand **** censoring.

Jules: I made my Spellcraft check! This was Divine Power! You know what "divine power" is?
Vincent: Yeah, I think so. That means the Gods came down from Heaven and made us awesome enough to stop the arrows.
Jules: Yeah, man, that's what it means. That's exactly what it means! The Gods came down from Heaven and we stopped the arrows!
Vincent: I think we should be going now.
Jules: Don't do that! Don't you freakin do that! Don't blow this crap off! What just happened was a freaking Miracle!
Vincent: Chill the heck out, Jules, this crap happens.
Jules: Wrong! Wrong, this crap doesn't just happen.
Vincent: Do you wanna continue this theological discussion in the tavern, or at the dungeon with the guards?
Jules: We should be freakin' dead now, my friend! We just witnessed a Miracle, and I want you to freakin acknowledge it!
Vincent: Okay man, it was a Miracle, can we go back to town now?

[Mephisto]

Jules: Now you reach into that bag and you hand me my Handy Haversack.
Ringo: Which one is it?
Jules: It's the one that says "Bad Mother****er" on it.

[themightybiggun]

/\
[]

Love that quote

[Edea]

Yes, Pulp Dungeon! But really, that OP was frickin' ASKING for it, what a sponge.

[knightsaline]

Everyone knows the line " English, Mother****er! Do you speak it?", but what if it were translated into other languages used in D&D?

Common: "Common, mother****er! Do you speak it?"
Draconic: "Noble language of the scaly overlords, one who mates with ones dam! Do you have the capability to converse in it?"
Celestial: "Lyrics of the celestial sphere dance, one who commits the act of sleeping with ones mother! Can you speak it?"
Druidic: Cannot be translated, due to the secrecy of such a language
Tarrasque: *bites head off*
Modron: "00011100, one who derives pleasure from mating with Primus! can you understand it?"
Elvish: "Ancient language of the Elder race, one who sleeps with ones birth mother! Can you converse in such a language?"
Dwarvish " Language of the stones, one who smelts with ones own ore! can you converse in such a way?"
Chaotic: "WHITE WEEK APPLE THREAD RADISHES FLUCTUATE MADLY"
Sylvian: "way of communicating ones thoughts, one who fertilizes where one grew! can you converse in it?"
Psionmark ~symbols of a mind, mating, mother and a query to whether you are psionically active enter your mind~
Construct: Statement: Construct.
Insult: One who pleasures the one who built you!
Query: Can you understand what is being said?

[The_Werebear]

Jules: Mmmm! God****, Jimmie! This is some +1 gourmet ****! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this +1 GOURMET **** on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Julie.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys ****. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead elf in my stable.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie: No, let me ask you a question. When you came riding in here, did you see a sign out in front of my keep that said Dead elf Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie: Did you see a sign out in front of my keep that said Dead elf Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead elves ain't my ****ing business, that's why!

[Kurald Galain]

Honey Bunny: I love you, Pumpkin.
Pumpkin: I love you, Honey Bunny. [Stands and brandishes a wand] Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!
Honey Bunny: Any of you bleepin' pricks move and I'll have every motherbleeping last one of you roll a saving throw!

[slexlollar89]

this isn't pulp fiction, but is equally cool:

"now witness the evocation of this fully armed and opperational +10 unholy burst heavy repeating crossbow! fire at will, commander..."

"what is it?"
"your father's +1 brilliant energy rapier... this is the weapon of a duskblade knight... not as clumsy or random as a hand crossbow... it's a more finesse-able weapon, for a more medieval age..."

[Serenity]

"The DM never told you what happened to your last character that day you couldn't make it to the session, did he?"
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
"No, [PC Name]. I am your last character!"