The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[Dire Moose]

From the original thread:

“There will be a posted skill check for a specific action each player will be taking, and the poster below you has to post a result from rolling a 1, or crit-failing, that took effect from their skill check. After that, the poster then posts a new skill check scenario.

For example, lets say the poster above you said that there is a skill check they are making to push an orc off a bridge. The poster below them would say that they rolled a 1, and instead they lightly caressed his back.”

————————————————

jqavins fails to prevent the creation of a new thread.

I roll to win a game of chess.

[Crisis21]

Fool's Mate seventeen times in a row? Are you sure you're trying to win?


I roll to throw a party in celebration of the new thread!

[SCPTropes]

You accidentally mistake C4 blocks for fireworks.

I roll a Dex save to avoid the resulting explosion.

[Sizzlefoot]

You spontaneously combust.

I roll to go back in time and prevent the explosion from ever happening in the first place and avoid being trapped in a grandfather paradox while I'm at it.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to go back in time and prevent the explosion from ever happening in the first place and avoid being trapped in a grandfather paradox while I'm at it.

You go too far back in time before agriculture even exists, and your time machine runs out of power.

I roll to make a roast for Superintendent Chalmers with NO hi-jinks whatsoever.

[Dire Moose]

Your oven explodes, your kitchen catches fire, and your house burns down.

I roll to mine for gold.

[Magic_Hat]

Your oven explodes, your kitchen catches fire, and your house burns down.

That's just the aurora borealis.

I roll to mine for gold.

Here's chocolate wrapped in gold to look like a gold coin.

I roll to hit Homer with a chair while he's in bathtub.

[SCPTropes]

Homer hits you with a bathtub while you're in a chair.

I roll to make a good character.

[Sizzlefoot]

You make Zizzt Xo'Lurden, Chaotic Good drow ranger with and extra dose of edginess and no character flaws.

I roll to commit the perfect murder.

[Dire Moose]

You shoot your victim in the middle of a police station, surrounded by cops.

I roll to defend Sizzlefoot at his trial.

[Crisis21]

You end up pleading for the judge to give your client the maximum possible punishment under the law.


I roll to report on the trial.

[Sizzlefoot]

An angry cop punches you in the face He's arrested, but spreads rumors that you started it. You loose your job as a journalist and turn to living on the streets. Years later, the cop comes back for revenge.

I roll to appease Fraz'Urb-Luu.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to appease Fraz'Urb-Luu.

You are vaporized for your disrespect.

I roll to make more people use the metric system.

[SCPTropes]

The metric system is now banned worldwide.

I attempt to weight my dice so they only roll nat 1s.

[Crisis21]

You break your dice beyond all repair in the attempt.


I roll to find awesome dice.

[Sizzlefoot]

You find SPCTropes' broken dice.

I roll to fix the dice.

[Dire Moose]

You melt them down into a puddle of plastic goo.

I roll to ride a motorcycle.

[jwhouk]

You mistake one of those Bird scooters for a motorcycle. As soon as you take it out on the road, you're run over by a bus.

I roll to help the driver of the bus convince her bosses it was an accident.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

She kicks you in the shins as they drag her off to be executed.

I roll to bake a cinnamon roll.

[Crisis21]

You make some halfway decent applesauce.


I roll to transform and roll out!

[Dire Moose]

You transform into a solid cube of steel and can’t do anything.

I roll to forge a sword out of this cube of solid steel I found.

[Sizzlefoot]

You forge an axe of solid steel.

I roll to carve the axe with mystic runes.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to carve the axe with mystic runes.

Okay. You carve them, but the runes always make you forget to tie your shoes so you're constantly tripping.

I roll to buy Sizzlefoot shoes without laces.

[Crisis21]

You manage to buy laces, but no shoes.


Now that I'm a solid steel axe carved with mystic runes, I roll to figure out how to wield myself.

[Sizzlefoot]

You somehow manage to slice yourself clean in half.

I roll to repair Crisis21.

[Dire Moose]

You shatter him into his component atoms.

I make a wild empathy check to convince the tiger not to attack me.

[Sizzlefoot]

In retrospect, rubbing the tiger's ears and saying "good kzin" was probably a bad idea.

I roll to drive Dire Moose's mutilated body to the ER.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

On the way there, you suffer a nuclear brain fart and decide to ask me for help.

I roll to do what I do best!

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to do what I do best!

You are sued by Wolverine for plagiarism because Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. Just be glad he only decided to sue you and not disembowel you.

I roll to make a Wolverine/Deadpool buddy cop movie that's (a) rated R and (b) outside the MCU.

[Dire Moose]

The writing is horrible and the special effects suck, and both Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds hate you for ruining their careers after the movie is the biggest box office bomb in history.

I roll to sue Dr. Gunsforhands for malpractice.