The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[Sizzlefoot]

You're eaten by a plump seven-year-old who is actually Zombcthutarrasqlhue.

I roll to check out a book from the library.

[Ironsmith]

And you fail, because your idea of "checking out" a book convinces the librarian you're a very different sort of bibliophile.

I roll to make lunch.

[Crisis21]

You attempt to use Sizzlefoot as sandwich meat and are promptly arrested.

I roll to digest quietly in the plump seven-year-old Zombcthutarrasqlhue's stomach.

[Ironsmith]

I roll to digest quietly in the plump seven-year-old Zombcthutarrasqlhue's stomach.

Failure. Your digestion is quite loud. You should really be more considerate of the fact that others may want to eat you when choosing your own lunch. Nobody likes it when someone farts in their stomach.

I roll to escape prison.

[Xihirli]

You jump from your minimum-security fence and land in the maximum security penitentiary next door.

I roll to carouse.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You carouse on a carousel! In an attempt to attract someone to join you, you flamboyantly jump up and down on one of the horses until it breaks. No one is happy with this.

I roll to repair several vomit-covered circus rides.

[Dire Moose]

You burn down the entire amusement park.

I roll to call the fire department.

[Sizzlefoot]

The fire department drowns.

I roll to call the police.

[Ironsmith]

The fire department drowns.

I roll to call the police.

It's mistaken for you turning yourself in. You are then promptly arrested for wasting police time.

I roll to survive the inevitable, once-per-adventure 200-foot fall.

[jwhouk]

Psyche! It was a 500-foot fall.

I roll to try to figure out how to get Crisis21 whole again.

[inuyasha]

Psyche! It was a 500-foot fall.

I roll to try to figure out how to get Crisis21 whole again.

Well... they're whole, but you never did figure out where that long thing with all the vertebrae was supposed to fit, so now we've got quite the interesting little unicorn...

I roll to buy myself more Coco Dyno Bites.
I'm almost out and these are way too good, please send help

[Dire Moose]

You get bitten by a pack of chocolatey dinosaurs.

I roll to row my boat.

[Crisis21]

You manage to put your oar straight through the bottom of the boat, and it sinks in seconds.


I roll to figure out what my new bone horn is good for.

[Sizzlefoot]

Your bone horn quivers for a minute, then falls off. Ye spineless coward!

I roll to polymorph self.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get an extremely embarrassing erection.

I roll to write a sentence with as much alliteration as possible!

[Ironsmith]

You get an extremely embarrassing erection.

I roll to write a sentence with as much alliteration as possible!

Instead, you turn into a lazy dog as a quick brown fox jumps over you.

I roll to fix my car.

[Crisis21]

You take it apart to find the problem and then can't remember how to reassemble it.


I roll to math.

[inuyasha]

Well, alright, you did the math. But you wrote out your work and the answer in a base 9 system, now everyone's confused .

I roll to conjure more snow.

[Ironsmith]

Instead, you set yourself on fire.

I roll to recover from my cold.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to recover from my cold.

You fall into a coma.

I roll to forget something.

[Sizzlefoot]

You engrave it into your brain, along with the initials "Z.B.".

I roll to hitchhike.

[Ironsmith]

Instead, your planet is destroyed to make room for a hyperspace express way. Next time, make sure you know where your towel is first.

I roll to outrun a troll.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to outrun a troll.

A snail travels faster than you.

I roll to find buried treasure.

[Dire Moose]

You dig up a barrel full of highly unstable explosives. It goes BOOM when you try to pull it out.

I roll to find all of Magic_Hat’s body parts after they land.

[Crisis21]

You stare into the sky, waiting for them to come down for forty days and forty nights before it dawns on you that you might have missed seeing where they all went.


I roll to report finding an eyeball in my backyard to the police.

[Sizzlefoot]

You're arrested for the brutal murder you obviously committed.

I roll to, once again, testify on my fellow playgrounder's behalf.

[LordArgon]

The judge is brought to tears, and the jury are 100% on your side. Too bad you forgot you were supposed to be defending Crisis21 and instead convinced everyone of his guilt. They have now been given the death penalty.

I roll to perform the execution.

[Ironsmith]

"...And that incident, kiddos, is why we now label the sharp ends of our axes."

I roll to frankenstein Magic_Hat back together.

[Dire Moose]

You attach his left leg to his right shoulder, his right leg to the left side of his pelvis, his left arm to the right side of his pelvis, his right arm to his left shoulder, and his head to his butt. The first thing he says when you bring him back to life is “PLEASE JUST KILL ME AGAIN!”

I roll to storm Ironsmith’s castle with an angry mob wielding torches and pitchforks.

EDIT: The mob is defeated by ninjas, apparently.

[Sizzlefoot]

"And that incident, kiddos, is why we don't mess around with the laws of nature."

I roll to tame Zombcthutarrasqlue.

Spoiler: also

Show

do we have any artists among us? someone should totally do an art of zombcthutarrasqlue.

I roll to end the problem of ninja'ing.