The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[Dire Moose]

You name it George.

I roll to pilot a submarine.

[Ironsmith]

"All hands, abandon ship. All hands, abandon ship."

You're probably feel less embarrassed if you were actually out at sea when this happened.



I roll to fix my car.

[The Malk]

"All hands, abandon ship. All hands, abandon ship."

You're probably feel less embarrassed if you were actually out at sea when this happened.



I roll to fix my car.

With all the leftover parts after disassembly, you're at least certain you can make 4,936 Matchbox cars out of the scraps. Silver lining.



I roll to face myself in the mirror today.

[LordArgon]

You put up a good effort, but there was nothing you could do after it fell off right before you got to the mirror.

I roll to become a famous physician.

[CyberiadQueen]

You become a famous mortician. What the heck; we need them, too.

I roll to surf.

[Sizzlefoot]

Whelp. Surfing on the slopes of hell wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

I roll to appease the great Zombthutarrasqlue.

[Ironsmith]

Even from where you're sitting, waist-high in stomach acid, you can tell it's not appeased.

I roll to do a cartwheel.

[Sizzlefoot]

As with a *certain someone* and The Rules earlier in this thread, you remain a virgin, but the cart driver gives you an odd look.

I roll to auto-cannibalize.

[Ironsmith]

(You know you're doing poorly in life when neither abstract concepts nor inanimate objects want anything to do with you. )

Well, you can't really eat yourself raw, so you'll have to cook first. You're about halfway through the slow-roasting process when you realize the problem with this chain of events.

I roll to boot up my computer.

[CyberiadQueen]

Your computer sure looks snazzy in that pair of Doc Martens.

I roll to roll out the barrel.

[Sizzlefoot]

That old revolver was your only weapon against the orcish invaders, and now you've broken it. Oh well.

I roll to cast fireball.

[Dire Moose]

You cause the entire stack of barrels to collapse and land on you. The barrels happened to contain a shipment of alchemist’s fire for the local adventure shop, so they explode and kill you.

And then some ninja cast Fireball on the entire scene so anything that wasn’t already on fire has burst into flames as well. Including the ninja. And all the invading orcs. So much for the entire warehouse district, I guess.

I roll to investigate the loud “KABOOM” I just heard.

[Crisis21]

You are flattened by debris.


I roll to mind my own business.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to mind my own business.

You go bankrupt before you even fill out the paper work.

I roll start a better business than Crisis21.

[Ironsmith]

You can't even afford the paperwork.

I roll to build an intergalactic empire.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to build an intergalactic empire.

The bill gets blocked in the Senate. You can try again, but you have to sit through over 6 hours of boring political talk.

I roll build yet another Death Star only bigger than any that came before it!

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll build yet another Death Star only bigger than any that came before it!

You make a tiny Death Star out of Legos, and it's too adorable to be taken seriously.

I roll for everybody to be properly intimidated by Magic_Hat's cute little Lego Death Star! (Yep, that's a sentence you hear every day...)

[Ironsmith]

You think you might have something until someone trips over it and undoes five whole minutes of work.

I roll to sit through the Senate meeting. Maybe that Binks fellow can still help me build my new empire...

[Purple Eagle]

You can barely stand to spend one minute sitting through it. You walk out, but Jar Jar Binks catches sight of you and decides to help you build your new empire. It fails horribly.

I roll to land the killing blow on this stunned harpy.

[Sizzlefoot]

You attack with your cursed sword of polymorph other. The harpy becomes a five-headed red dracohydralisk and devours you immediately.

I roll to stop Lyle the Red Dracohydralisk Lord from starting HIS own galactic empire.

[Crisis21]

Lyle successfully forms the most benevolent galactic empire ever imagined and you are lynched by the populace for trying to prevent it.


I roll to do nothing.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to do nothing.

You find yourself compelled to do everything at once. Due to the impossibly massive amount of energy this requires, you soon pass out cold.

I roll to make my mail carrier get something right, for a change!

[Ironsmith]

Your mail carrier is intercepted by a ninja and never heard from again.

I roll to usurp our dracolisk emperor.

[CyberiadQueen]

Your mail carrier is intercepted by a ninja and never heard from again.

YESSSSS!!!

I roll to usurp our dracolisk emperor.

Our dracolisk emperor mocks your efforts, and sets you up as an example to all who would dare challenge said imperial authority.

I roll to help Ironsmith escape from imminent execution for the aforementioned traitorous act.

[LordArgon]

Through a series of unfortunate blunders, you wind up as the Ironsmith's executioner. As poor Ironsmith's head is removed from their body by your massive ax, you shed a tear for your departed friend.

I roll to resurrect the dead Ironsmith.

[Ironsmith]

Thanks a lot for making me deader than dead, dude. Thankfully, I always keep a lab full of clones for just such an occasion.. though I'll be the first to admit they tend to be a bit glitchy.

I roll to find my feet. I'm sure they're around here somewhere.

[Dire Moose]

You find them when you stub your toe painfully into a razor sharp splinter of poison oak.

I roll to find Bigfoot.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to find Bigfoot.

Instead, Bigfoot finds you. You are never heard from again.

I roll to discover a new exoplanet.

[Sizzlefoot]

You instead provide solid, unmistakable evidence that there is no real Bigfoot.

I roll to destroy the world.

[Ironsmith]

It turns out throwing your lego Death Star at a planet does a much better job of breaking the bricks than the planet.

I roll to treat the poison oak in my feet.