The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[CyberiadQueen]

It spreads to your arms.

I roll to stop procrastinating and actually write!

[Crisis21]

Ten years later... you've written one sentence.


I roll to make breakfast.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to make breakfast.

You end up genetically engineering new life that goes on a violent, unstoppable rampage.

You make a tiny Death Star out of Legos, and it's too adorable to be taken seriously.

I roll to pick up my legos so I don't get in trouble.

[Dire Moose]

You step on them in your bare feet and scream in pain.

I roll to become the most fearsome pirate in the seven seas!

[Ironsmith]

Rumor soon gets out about you being the most fearful pirate in the seven seas. "What's the matter, wittle baby, can't handwe a few kwackens?"

I roll to reassemble the Death Star. The real one, not the lego knockoff.

[Crisis21]

Spoiler: Your cat likes her new den.

Show

I roll to adopt a cat.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to adopt a cat.

You adopt Garfield and go bankrupt from the lasagna bills.

I roll to build an Italian restaurant so I can make money off of Crisis21 needing lasagna.

[Ironsmith]

An unfortunate run-in with the Mafia... dissuades you of that notion.

I roll to pay Magic_Hat's substantial hospital bills.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to pay Magic_Hat's substantial hospital bills.

You pay Magic_Hat's hospital bills from his unfortunate run-in with the Mafia...with money that you borrowed from the Mafia. They'd like it back now, please...

I roll to know absolutely nothing about these events, the better to not have an unfortunate run-in with the Mafia, myself.

[Ironsmith]

Lacking any other methods of inducing amnesia, you begin resorting to self-concussion, which sort of works but defeats the point. Fortunately, when the Mafia comes around, they see how badly you've already beaten yourself up and decide what they were gonna do is kind of redundant. One of them even takes you the the hospital! Dat Tony, he's a sweet guy.

Frankie Firebomb ain't quite so sweet, though.

I roll to help my fellow forumites escape the burning hospital.

[Sizzlefoot]

Well maybe you shouldn't have brought a GODDAMN FLAMETHROWER.

I roll to become something other than a pile of disgruntled ashes.

[Crisis21]

You become three piles of disgruntled ashes.


I roll to feed Garfield.

[Dire Moose]

He bites your hand off.

I roll to build Crisis21 a cybernetic hand.

[Ironsmith]

Ooh...

I now christen thee, "Stumpy".



I roll to get this man some gloves.

[LordArgon]

Most people would have gone to a store and bought a pair, but you decided to summon a demon from the depths of hell. The demon was not pleased, and while he granted your wish, you are now living life as a pair of living gloves.

I roll to put on these strange new gloves I found.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to put on these strange new gloves I found.

You end up putting the gloves on your feet, can't walk right, and end up falling down several flights of stairs.

I roll to go on a quest where I have to throw a gold ring into a volcano

[Ironsmith]

Fortunately, you find a quest that consists if only that, no orcs or evil eyes trying to stop you. Unfortunately, the ring in question is eight feet across, you HAVE to throw it in a volcano, and it's nowhere near one.

I roll to reanimate some disgruntled ashes.

[CyberiadQueen]

The ashes are even more disgruntled than ever.

I roll to construct the ashes into something more productive.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to construct the ashes into something more productive.

Does kitty litter count as "something more productive"? Because that's what you make. Ash has basically the same texture as kitty litter.

I roll to start a company that specializes in turning ashes into kitty litter.

[Crisis21]

A scandalous rumor hits the news within days of your grand opening that you use cremated human remains in your ash-litter and literally everyone boycotts your business, driving you to bankruptcy.


I roll to determine the source of the rumor.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to determine the source of the rumor.

It was Louise Belcher. But she also starts a rumor that you bootleg alcohol out of your basement because she doesn't like you investigating her..

I roll to start a burger restaurant that doesn't make burgers from dead people.

[CyberiadQueen]

Don't worry; you're not making burgers out of dead people. Live people aren't dead people, after all...

I roll to get all of these businesses accreditation from the Better Business Bureau, so that there won't be any scandals.

[Ironsmith]

A few weeks later, you've turned the whole region into an economic wasteland.

I roll to release myself from my wooly prison.

[Dire Moose]

You anger a woolly mammoth and it tramples you to death.

I roll to become a deity.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to become a deity.

You don't become a deity, but you do create a cult that worships you. Well cult might be a strong word. Really it's just one person who may need medication for a mental condition who thinks you're a god. And his worship of you is borderline stalker.

I roll to build a fence for my house.

[Ironsmith]

Instead, you fence your house. For thirty dollars.

I roll to build a birdhouse.

[Crisis21]

The birds categorically refuse to come anywhere near your monstrosity of a dwelling. The squirrels on the other hand...


I roll to accept the inevitable.

@V: So... what? I rolled a 20? That wasn't supposed to happen...

[Mister Tom]

You were supposed to fight it! That alone has derailed the whole plot, and the DM retreats behind his screen for 10 minutes trying to work out what to do next.

I roll to stop, drop and roll.

[LordArgon]

Sadly you reversed the order and are now at the bottom of a massive ravine.

I roll to retrieve Mister Tom's corpse

[Ironsmith]

All right fellas, key of A major...

*ahem*

Put another corpse on the pile
Sittin' at the bottom of this ravine
We all know it'll be there for a while
'Cause we all know what a rolled 1 means


I roll to continue the song.