The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[Dire Moose]

You come down with a really horrible stomach virus and start projectile vomiting mid-song.

I roll to clean up the resulting mess.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to clean up the resulting mess.

You make it 10,000 time worse.

I roll to build a machine that will generate scenarios I can post in "Roll a 1" silly message board threads.

[Ironsmith]

A rock you can slam your face into until you deliriously blurt out a scenario does not count as a "machine".

I roll to build a tower.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to build a tower.

You dig a well - the polar opposite of a tower.

I roll to steal the well Ironsmith dug in the event it has water, and I can profit off it.

[Crisis21]

You give him your life savings and the deed to your house in exchange for the well, which is bone dry.



I roll to invest in paperclips.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to invest in paperclips.

The bottom falls out, when people worldwide decide that they prefer staples.

I roll to take Crisis21's money and reinvest it more wisely for the poor guy.

[LordArgon]

You manage to destabilize the world's financial markets.

I roll to rebuild society in the resulting post-apocalyptic wastes.

[Sizzlefoot]

Repeatedly stabbing everyone and everything you meet is not a "society", it's just more counts of assualt and manslaughter I can add to the record.

I roll to ruin the world further and feed on the pain of innocents so I can ascend to godhood.

[Ironsmith]

You fail to account for your own presence in the world and are too miserable to ascend. Someone else seizes the opportunity and has you smote.

I roll to ignore our new overlord.

[Crisis21]

People now - understandably - think that your lips are welded to his posterior.


I roll to accept the inevitable.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to accept the inevitable.

You rebel wildly against the inevitable.

I roll to sell tickets to Crisis21's rebellion against inevitability.

[jwhouk]

In retrospect, you probably shouldn't have charged in quataloos.

I roll to Do Something about the Apocalypse.

[Dire Moose]

Your actions taken to prevent the Apocalypse actually cause the Apocalypse to happen instead.

I roll to survive the Apocalypse by living in a nuclear fallout bunker.

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to survive the Apocalypse by living in a nuclear fallout bunker.

You you eat all the food in the bunker on the first day and starve to death.

I roll publish a book.

[Crisis21]

That might have gone better if you hadn't used your only copy of the manuscript to wipe up a wine spill in your kitchen.


I roll to end the world.

[Ironsmith]

The world kicks you off rather forcefully, sending you flying into the moon, which hates you.

I roll to not make a Majora's Mask reference.

[CyberiadQueen]

I roll to not make a Majora's Mask reference.

You quote the game line for line--which has the inadvertent effect of making my day!

I roll to not love the Zelda reference so much...

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to not love the Zelda reference so much...

You love the Zelda reference even more to the point it's starting to become creepy.

I roll see if the monster in the old mansion is really a monster or an old guy in a mask trying to steal real estate.

[Crisis21]

You take a right at albuquerque and never make it to the location of the mystery in the first place. In fact, you are thoroughly lost for 2d4+3 years.


I roll to commit acts of villainy.

[CyberiadQueen]

You are now the world's greatest hero.

I roll to be Crisis21's ally.

[Sizzlefoot]

You accidentally flay Crisis21 alive.

I roll to recruit a new hero to defend Heropolis.

[jwhouk]

In retrospect, a hero named The Sloth was probably not a good team member.

I roll to restock the fridge.

[LordArgon]

You manage to create a vacuum inside the fridge, making it nigh impossible to open.

I roll to buy a new refrigerator.

[Crisis21]

You blow all your refrigerator money on a crane game trying to win a cheap ugly plush.


I roll to play Jumanji.

[The Kool]

You play Jumanji. I mean really, choosing to play in the first place was the real mistake.

I roll to flee the country while I still can

[Dire Moose]

You get stuck in the border fence, torn up by barbed wire, and if that wasn’t enough, a moose from the Canadian side gives you a big slobbery kiss.

I roll to become a superhero.

[Sizzlefoot]

You take on the identity of the mighty Sloth.

I roll to become a supervillain.

[Ironsmith]

Five charities and twelve orphanages later, you realize you might've deviated from your evil scheme a bit.

I roll to fall off a cliff.

[Crisis21]

Physicists across the world are frantic trying to figure out how in the world you managed to fall up.


I roll to blow someone's mind.

[Korith]

Somehow you turned yourself into a Mind Flayer and sucked their brains out of their head instead.

I roll to come up with an uncorruptable wish