The “Rolled a 1” Game II: Critical Fail

[Magic_Hat]

I roll to open a dimensional rift.

You open a portal to...

...A ROOM WITH A MOOSE!

Google it. You'll thank me later.

I roll to make more Invader Zim (or just general Nickelodeon) references on these forums.

[HalfTangible]

What's Invader Zim?

I roll to find my keys.

@V: I know, but he rolled a nat 1 to get more Zim references on the board.

[Magic_Hat]

What's Invader Zim?

Only the greatest show to bless Nickelodeon...okay second, but no one beats Avatar the Last Airbender.

I roll to find my keys.

You find them...in the desert. Unfortunately you're lost and don't have enough resources to survive.

I roll inform everyone on the planet how awesome Invader Zim is.

[CyberiadQueen]

Everyone decides that you're extolling the virtues of 'Big Brother'.

I roll to tap-dance on water.

[HalfTangible]

You fall into the water. In front of your childhood bullies, your friends, your coworkers, and that cute boy you like.

I roll to operate a tank.

@V: I didn't even get an actual tank?! Awwwww, I suck at this...

[Ironsmith]

All of your fish die due to your horrible idea of operation.

I roll to help CyberiadQueen dry off.

[CyberiadQueen]

Let's just say you're darned lucky that I love water so much, because now I'll never get dry.

I roll to dance in the rain.

[HalfTangible]

As soon as you go outside to dance, the rain stops. You go back inside, and it starts up again. You go out, it stops; in, it goes. This goes back and forth for a while.

I roll for the sun to brighten your day.

[Ironsmith]

"In the wake of this storm that's left fifty dead and caused over four and a half million dollars in property damage, we're left to wonder... 'who was the jerk that rolled a 1 THIS time?!'"

I roll to flood the earth.

[Crisis21]

You develop a process that reverses global warming, unleashing the next ice age and causing sea levels across the world to drop fifty feet.


I roll to build a snowman.

[LordArgon]

The rising costs of materials and labor leave you destitute and homeless.

I roll to pull of the heist of the century.

[HalfTangible]

You break into a prison. Specifically, the break room for the officers guarding the place.

I roll to arrest him.

[Ironsmith]

"Hey Earl."

"Yeah Mick?"

"Is that a guy bound hand and foot at the top of a telephone pole with his pants around his ankles?"

"I think so, Mick."

"'Sbout what I thought."

"Think we oughta help the guy?"

"Nah, I hear he caused that hurricane a while back."



I roll to make a faulty time machine.

[CyberiadQueen]

You make such a magnificent time machine that you become the next Doctor. I'm envious.

I roll to defeat a Dalek.

[Dire Moose]

You poke it with a screwdriver. Of the mundane non-sonic variety. The Dalek is unaffected and vaporizes you.

I roll to fix a malfunctioning plasma coil by reversing the polarity of the phase inducers before the warp core breaches. While doing a convincing impression of a Scottish accent.

[Sizzlefoot]

You are eaten by The Moose.

I roll to convince the Doctor to kill that annoying little Clara by making her enter a Dalek shell.

[Ironsmith]

Instead, you manage to convince the (uninhabited) Dalek shell to carry out its intended function a-

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE!!!"

...Well, it was nice knowing you.



I roll to hold the multiple funerals for everyone who has died on this thread.

[CyberiadQueen]

Instead, you resurrect us all. Boy, it's good to be alive again!

I roll to invade Antarctica.

[HalfTangible]

"... How did we get to the Gobi desert?"

I roll to make the desert lush.

@V: ..................

[Ironsmith]

The desert slaps you and scuttles off, muttering "bakabakabaka" under its breath. But I guess that's just what you get when you make a desert blush.

I roll initiative.

[Crisis21]

You suffer five surprise rounds from your enemies before you can move.


I roll to order pizza. (I swear I got the one guy at the store who nat 1-ed his Perception check...)

[HalfTangible]

You get charged triple. And also, it's not pizza, it's a pumpkin.

I roll to hide.

[CyberiadQueen]

Peekaboo! I see you!

I roll to fall in a puddle.

[Ironsmith]

You're now a sun-dried mummy.

I roll to jump over a pit.

[Sizzlefoot]

"....and that's how I met my husband, and why we live in a pit."

I roll to ally with the other Playgrounders with a thing for world domination and, well, dominate the world.

[Crisis21]

You manage to find all of those who desire world domination and convince them to follow your brilliant plan for world domination by selling yourselves all into slavery. The rest of the world will never see it coming.


I roll to facepalm.

[CyberiadQueen]

You slam your face into a palm tree. Ow.

I roll to become an expert archer.

[Ironsmith]

And now, the safest thing in the galaxy is whatever you're aiming at.

I roll to parry these stray arrows like I'm a badass jedi.

[Ad'ika Beskarad]

Your brilliant energy sword activates gloriously, on the wrong end. The super-heated tip melts through your boot like a blowtorch through ice. As you hop about screaming in pain, your erratic movements carry you directly into the path of arrows that would have otherwise missed harmlessly.

The princesses are both claiming their pregnancy is due to you. The king confronts you on this issue. Roll for diplomacy.....

[HalfTangible]

You're now forced to marry both of them and pay your entire check in child support. Good luck trying to satisfy two wives, neither of whom like you.

But hey, you're not dead... for now.



I roll to meet someone I can have a good, healthy romantic relationship with.