Jokes in a D&D World

[Elvensilver]

Hello, I am searching for some jokes that a bard with Perform Comedy could use. Nothing bawdy - such ones are easy to find and easy to adapt- but instead jokes that are funny in a classic d&d world. In the direction of "a troll, a vampire and a dragon meet in a tavern..."
I would especially appreciate anything, that's not a pun, since the game in question is in german and those don't translate well.
So playground, can you help me to come up with some?

[Lord Raziere]

"how many X does it take to light a candle?" jokes can be a good light bulb joke stand in. always a classic.

[hymer]

The old staples:

How do you recognize a goblin pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.
How do you get a one-armed orc down from a flagpole? You wave at him.

[BWR]

Why are adventurers always popular in towns?
They are wandering parties.

What monster do captains allow on their ships?
Carryon crawlers.

[hotflungwok]

A group of adventurers walk into a bar. Stop me if you've heard this one...

[Anonymouswizard]

'A human, an elf, and a dwarf...' jokes in the style of 'blonde/redhead/brunette' or 'Englishman/Irishman,/Scotsman' jokes.

I'm general there's a lot of potential in reskinning existing jokes.

For more longform observational comedy, well just look at the setting and pick up some clichés. 'So I was in the city of Plainsville the other day and noticed that there were no elves. I mean not in a bad way...' (to see where this one is going look up Trevor Noah's Scotland routine).

[Avista]

What's the difference between a sorcerer, a warlock, and a wizard?
A wizard actually has brains.

(To a bard) You'd be safe around sirens, because you're tone-deaf!

How do you beat a drow in a fight?
Show them sunlight.

Why do they call them 'rangers' if they're so good with swords?

[PastorofMuppets]

Two humans and an elf walk into a bar, the gnome just chuckles and walks under it.

[Hackulator]

Two humans and an elf walk into a bar, the gnome just chuckles and walks under it.

This one actually made me laugh.

[Markjls91]

How do you stop a rock gnome from getting lost in fog..... Give him a polish

[gkathellar]

"... the aristocrats!"

pleasedonthurtme

[Hackulator]

"... the aristocrats!"

pleasedonthurtme

oof...an illusionist or conjurer doing that joke....

...oof...

[hotflungwok]

"Golem? Damn near killed em!"

Why do all the sneaky rogue types wear leather? Cuz it's made of hide!

[mucat]

A little kid tells his mom, "When I grow up, I want to be a bard!"

"Now honey, you know you can't do both."

---------------------

What do you call a beautiful woman on a half-orc's arm?

A tattoo.

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A cleric, a druid, and an inquisitor walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

---------------------

A dwarf walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three beers. The bartender serves them, he drinks all three in silence, and he leaves.

This happens day after day. After a while, the bartender says, "You know, I could bring you those beers one at a time so they don't go flat."

"Thanks," says the dwarf, "but I drink them this way for a reason. My two brothers and I made a pact that as long as we lived, we'd never be too busy to buy each other a beer. We're all thousands of miles apart now, but we still keep our word, and it kind of feels like they're here drinking with me."

The bartender is touched, and serves the dwarf from then on without question...until the day the dwarf walks in, looking morose and devastated. "Two beers, please."

The barman quietly pours two beers, and sets them in front of the dwarf. "I'm really sorry about your brother," he says.

The dwarf looks up, still looking quite sad. "Oh, my brothers are both fine," he says. "But I promised my wife I'd quit drinking."

[Storm_Of_Snow]

A lot of it would depend on the kind of world you're running - a more traditional pseudo-medieval version with an almost completely illiterate population who'll nearly all live and die within 10 miles of the place of their birth, would have quite different jokes from, say, the stickverse.

However, you'd likely have a degree of satire aimed at people that are known to the populace - the ruling monarch and their immediate family/named ministers, the local lord, maybe down to the village blacksmith, with the jokes being of the "fill name in here" type - although the closer the target is to the joke teller, the more likely the joke will be a gentle ribbing with the target laughing as well, rather than more barbed and unpleasant (especially if the joke teller wants to get out of town alive).

[Avista]

---------------------

A dwarf walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three beers. The bartender serves them, he drinks all three in silence, and he leaves.

This happens day after day. After a while, the bartender says, "You know, I could bring you those beers one at a time so they don't go flat."

"Thanks," says the dwarf, "but I drink them this way for a reason. My two brothers and I made a pact that as long as we lived, we'd never be too busy to buy each other a beer. We're all thousands of miles apart now, but we still keep our word, and it kind of feels like they're here drinking with me."

The bartender is touched, and serves the dwarf from then on without question...until the day the dwarf walks in, looking morose and devastated. "Two beers, please."

The barman quietly pours two beers, and sets them in front of the dwarf. "I'm really sorry about your brother," he says.

The dwarf looks up, still looking quite sad. "Oh, my brothers are both fine," he says. "But I promised my wife I'd quit drinking."

That is gold.

[LibraryOgre]

"... the aristocrats!"

pleasedonthurtme

The Mod Blunder: Yep. That's a ban.

Please note: it is in blue, and not my mod name.

[JoeJ]

There are some jokes that work in any world.

Some of the people I talk to tell me that the courts in this city are corrupt, but I can't agree. We've got the best darn judges money can buy!

[hymer]

A cleric, a druid, and an inquisitor walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

They all laughed when I said I'd put ranks in Perform (Comedy). Well, they're not laughing now.

[Guizonde]

how do you tell if someone is a wizard? don't worry, they'll tell you.

how do you get an elf through a narrow opening? deflate its ego.

how many gnomes does it take to light a candle? just one, but the resulting explosion kills 17 and destroys 3 buildings.

how many halflings does it take to paint a wall? depends how hard you throw them.

what do you call an orc warlord who wears high heels and fishnets? sir. you call him sir.

ever hear the one about the succubus and the gnomish vacuum cleaner? no? good, that story sucks the fun out of everything.

what's the difference between a catapult and a hulking hurler? the catapult can actually hit something.

and finally, for the bard who likes hypocritical humor:

how do you get a bard to shut up? you pay him to leave.

[hotflungwok]

A dwarf walks into a bar, sits down, and orders three beers. The bartender serves them, he drinks all three in silence, and he leaves.

This happens day after day. After a while, the bartender says, "You know, I could bring you those beers one at a time so they don't go flat."

"Thanks," says the dwarf, "but I drink them this way for a reason. My two brothers and I made a pact that as long as we lived, we'd never be too busy to buy each other a beer. We're all thousands of miles apart now, but we still keep our word, and it kind of feels like they're here drinking with me."

The bartender is touched, and serves the dwarf from then on without question...until the day the dwarf walks in, looking morose and devastated. "Two beers, please."

The barman quietly pours two beers, and sets them in front of the dwarf. "I'm really sorry about your brother," he says.

The dwarf looks up, still looking quite sad. "Oh, my brothers are both fine," he says. "But I promised my wife I'd quit drinking."

A human, a half-orc, and a dwarf walk into a bar. They sit down and order a beer. As they go to drink it, each notices a fly in their drink.

The human puts the beer down and asks for a new drink.

The half orc reaches in, grabs the fly tosses, it behind him, and drinks the beer.

The dwarf grabs the fly, holds it upside down over the beer and starts shaking it yelling 'Spit it out! Spit it out!'