Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[NRSASD]

DM: Ummmm... does anyone have an intelligence modifier?
Lizardfolk monk: Does -2 count as a modifier?

[Telok]

Dm: You three, int saves.
Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Dm: You three, int saves.
Barb rolls d20->1-1=0
Dm: Thats so bad there ought to be some sort of extra effect.

I had a series of enemies roll negative values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...

[NRSASD]

I had a series of enemies roll negative values for saves. When you have a -5 to Dex mod and no proficiency...

How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?

[PhoenixPhyre]

How did you have a -5 DEX mod? Was your character part-avocado?

Homebrew monster...or more specifically its root tentacles. It was a single enormous (roughly 200' diameter) underground plant-creature that only interacted via tentacles and a "head". So the tentacles (vines/roots) basically had natural armor, but were utter crap at dodging (a Dex score of 1). They could tunnel (had a burrow speed), but only between certain spots on the map. Strong as heck, but not nimble. And independently killable.

It made a lot more sense to model this thing as a bunch of creatures operating roughly independently (on their own initiatives): 10-ish tentacles and a head. The head had a lightning-based beam weapon and a nasty bite, the tentacles could grab and throw or slam, all with a huge reach (15' for the tentacles, 20' for the head).

[Ferreon]

"Ah, we *are* taking the tooth decay route, ok then."

[NRSASD]

@PhoenixPhyre- ah, makes sense. That’s pretty cool! It’s how I handle krakens generally.

PC 1: If we let it out, it will eat the town!
Rest of the Party: *shrugs*
PC 1: We're still in the town!

"Be wary, for the night is dark and full of tape worms."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Anything you're thinking about?"
Beau: "No, nothing comes to mind."
Sparks: "Anything you're over-thinking about?"
Beau: "Oh yes, I have a list."

Lily: "I sing like a log."

Sparks: "Mmm, smote salmon."

Slithis: "Did you not see the size of that thing?!"
Beau: "No, could you describe it?"
Slithis: "It was big! No, bigger than that. Bigger! Look, it was wearing a kraken and a dreadnaught as earrings!"

[NRSASD]

Lich: Oh, it's just a kenku. What are you doing down here little bird? Looking for a place to build your nest?
Kenku (in hodgepodge of voices): Inside your ribcage *raises dagger

[Telok]

P1: "I'm sneaking just ahead of the light."
P2: "So you're saying you're back lit?"
P1: "Oops."
DM: "And you rolled a 3. The giants are all looking at you when you stroll into the room.

[PhoenixPhyre]

The party, in unison to an irate adult green dragon: "you're a big sexy beast."
The dragon, after a moment of stunned silence: Ok, now I believe you that you must have met me in the future.

[NRSASD]

Spoiler: Heretical Context

Show

We suspected the shopkeeper was the villain

Wildfire Druid, playing it casual, to the shopkeeper: "Hello sir, we're looking for some matches."
Battlemaster Fighter, interrupting: "Someone who matches your description!"
Tackles shopkeeper

Divination Wizard: "If you're innocent, then why did you run?"
Suspect: looks around shiftily "... for the drama."

Divination Wizard: "We can't just let you go immediately, so we're going to leave you here tied up. And you aren't going to call for help. Do you know why?"
Suspect: "No, why?"
Divination Wizard: "... for the drama."
Suspect: thinks about this for a moment, then nods vigorously

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We told the clerics to take the drum and beat it."
GM: "Ugh, don't go there..."
Beau: "We snared the GM into a bad pun."
Sparks: "I tip my hi-hat to you."

GM: "Imagine Las Vegas, but in the Roman Empire style of debauchery."
Sparks: "That's just the Roman Empire."
GM: "Okay, but like... imagine corruption."
Beau: "Still just the Roman Empire."

Sparks: "When she said 'don't use it lightly', I don't think the druid meant hit the tree."

Sparks: "Bad news. It's turtles all the way down."

Sylvie: "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Lilly: "We're also looking for that golden ring."
Sylvie: "Easy, with me being a thief."
Sparks: "And me being a kobold."

Lilly: "He has a face only a mother could love."
Sparks: "Lies. Mind flayers don't even love their own children."

Crime boss: "I have a proposition for you, if you wish to hear me out."
Lilly: "That phrase never insinuates that we have a choice."
Crime boss: "Well, we could just do this the hard way."
Slithis: "Easy way! Easy way!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin (at the manor of a prominent noble as the gala begins): "I like to watch"

[Laughing Dog]

"You can fly, but you can't hide!"
*in a slightly hushed whisper* "Quickly, reload the ballista before he comes back."

[Diachronos]

"I'm gonna puny god him!"

[Telok]

"90 foot flyby, two hits, and 50 damage a hit. Just damage kill them after the caster and get to the next fight. Five is too many to **** around with saves and talking. It's not like we can find out who or what they are anyways untill I cast Speak With Dead."

"We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs."

"Nah, all the magic items I could spend my money on this edition take months or years to do and we've got a **** *** noble to annihilate. By the time one thing got finished we'd be four levels higher, another 30k richer, and the game would be ending. I'll just buy all the brothels in the city again."

[KorvinStarmast]

"We do too scout. We send in the barbarian and listen for screaming. Its the same result as stealth but without the dead rogue PCs."

This looks like an interesting variation on a piece of US Army doctrine that I learned/was taught, called basically "reconnaissance by fire" (And bravo to your group by doing what the group I DM for does so frequently)
Tonight's Immortal Quote (Curse of Strahd campaign)
"It sounded like a good idea, until it wasn't!"

[PhoenixPhyre]

Discord, after a session.

DM: Also, y'all should figure out a group name. Otherwise Servis is going to come up with a name for y'all and he's canonically terrible at naming things. lol He calls the mirror he gave <the cleric> "Good Mirror"
Bard (me): I can just imagine: <talking like to a dog>Who's a good mirror. You're a good mirror, yes you are...</>

[DigoDragon]

Yeah, that wouldn't reflect highly upon the party. :3


Sparks: "Okay, but I still want my devil friend wearing the tux."

Lich: "Ah, a question. Since before the star of your material plane burned, I have awaited a brave soul to come into my domain with their question."
Beau: "Well then why don't you answer it?"
Lich: "Because it is stupid."

[Taevyr]

P1: I want to roll to see if the two darklings have a... "close relationship".

*rolls a 3* DM: "they seem like they're just friends"

P2: I'm still getting a certain vibe, can I roll as well?

*rolls a 6* DM: "They still seem like they're close friends, nothing more"

P3: Welp, guess it's up to me then

*rolls a 16* DM: "They're bro's, they're pretty close, but there don't seem to be any real romantic vibes between them"

All players: "OH, COME ON"


So many "they were roommates" jokes after that.

[somerando]

"Not all beaches are military targets"
-Tazzil

[HalfTangible]

Lich (sending): "I'm back. And you took my things!"
Paladin: "Yes, we did. Suck my ****."

Bloodrager: "We killed some horrible monsters we found in the sewer. A gelatinous thing, and a monster with giant tentacles."
Guard: "WHAT?! You didn't kill the gelatinous cube and the Otyugh?! But those were there to clean out the sewers! We need them there so that we don't get overwhelmed by sewage during the siege!"
Bloodrager: "... oh, we didn't kill those. We found... other abominations." (32 on bluff)

[Telok]

"How about we have the person who didn't dump stat charisma do the lying?"

"Choose your fiction and I'll endorse it."

[Rater202]

"Uncle Cthulhu and Narlythotep-onii-san will be nice to me as long as I don't antagonize them first."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "The elf has an emotional support chicken."
Beau: "What the cluck?"

Sparks: "We know the guy likes to play with his 'toys'."
Beau: "Maybe Sylvie will get lucky and the guy enjoys being dominated?"
Sylvie: "You better be talking about the spell."

Lily: "Your identify spell failed?"
Sparks: "Yes, but at least we now know that the dagger is female."
Lily: "How so?"
Sparks: "She was misidentified."

Beau: "I fire a warning shot..."
*rolls a 20, confirms crit with a 20*
Beau: "...into his face."

Lily: "Oh god."
Ehlonna: "Yes?"

Beau: "So if anyone thinks this is a bad idea-"
Sparks: "Dude, we all know it's a bad idea. We're doing it anyway."

Sparks: "What's her name?"
GM: "Uh... Jem."
Sparks: "That's outrageous."
Lily: "Truly, truly outrageous."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "I'll check on my crocodile. His name's Mick"

Spoiler: why I had a sad face

Show

(Not sure if anyone got the reference, TBH)

[Taevyr]

"I finished talking to the kelp, it's probably thataway"

[HalfTangible]

GM: "Look, you guys didn't say you were getting a hotel room with curtains to hide in... ya know what, roll 1d5, on a five it'll have the most luxurious curtains, armoires, beautiful bedsheets oh my god."
P1: (rolled a 5 partway through that declaration)
P2: "No no, keep going, what else does the room have?"

-

P1: "Look, I'm sure whatever this is, we can settle it. What's P4 done?"
(all P4 did since he came into the town was order a fancy wagon)
NPC: "He is charged with HIGH TREASON!!!"
P1: "... come again?"

-

GM: The guards start tearing through the room, looking for P4.
P3: "I'm droppings apples onto the guard's spears as they come in."
GM: "Did you bring some apples from downstairs?"
P3: "I teleport downstairs, grab a bowl of apples, and then teleport back into the rafters to throw the apples onto their spears. Natural 20."

-

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

[KorvinStarmast]

P2: "I shove an immovable rod up the dragon's anus."
Everyone: "WHAT?!"

This is why we play D&D. This right here.