Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Amidus Drexel]

Douglas: "Tell him that Douglas has sent you! ...as long as you've killed him."

"Your mother was a microwave and your father smelled of cheap burritos."
"God bless you, taquito-san."

"Hand over the head and nobody dies!"

Hag: "Tit for tat, I suppose."
Paladin: "I'm not looking for either!"

"Is this gonna hurt?"
"It'll tingle, yeah."

"These corpses were desecrated when we got here."

"Seems like you're having a mid-ladder crisis."

"it's made of... laddermantium."

"I am the axe-pert."

"Let's get the **** up this elevator and go down that ladder."

"Oh my god, you can't just ask why someone is undead."

"Crack skulls and take ears, that's our motto."

"We come bearing gifts - how about a nice game of cornhole?"

"I'm an elf, all we do is humble-brag"

"it's a free action to high-five in this campaign"

[dunfluff]

Lonji: The world works in mysterious ways to make things more convenient for me.


Lonji: I keep forgetting I cant speak underwater


Horell: I made a goo-team.
GM: Yes, they are all as slimy as dragons.


Lonji: I hit myself, I parry myself, I riposte myself.


Lonji: I have a scroll of explosive runes. Look at it!


Tenka: on the other hand, you probably SHOULD boobytrap graveyards. Because you don't want dead people walking out of them.


Lonji: so, the water is having a moral crisis?


Alum: Don't do it until I can figure out if it will kill you. Death is annoying.


Lonji: did you fart? it looked like you were concentrating really really hard and then there was a fart.


GM: A portal opens behind you... *Rolls* ...and the immediately closes.
Lonji: Did he summon invisible monsters?
Alum: Either that or it was a parallel universe farting.


Sasani: so... you're aiming for a career as an aquarium-decoration?


Horell: well... ok... I suddenly regret all of my actions.


Lonji OOC: Thats why yogsototh hasn´t been able to swallow the world. The planet is desperately grappling everything on it. Thats what gravity is.


Lonji: yes. stab him for safety. safetystab.


Lonji: it's not much but it might keep you alive, I'm not asking for miracles, except I am using cleric spells. So, I literally am.


NPC: it's not easy watching your friends die.
Alum: no, it's not. I HAVE TO FIX THAT.
NPC: I remember when I died.
Alum: So do I.


SWORD: Get me closer. I want to cut them with my me.


Scar OOC: Scar is an excellent ventrilll... ventro... Scar speak good.


Scar: Horell is basically an expert at dying. Death is basically just standing and watching with a clip-card.
Horell: only 2 more times and I get a free coffee.


Lonji: I think I take more from her side.
Alum: look. Hats are not an inherited trait.


Scar: I'm just gona say this once. Clinch. Clinch hard.

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin, as he swings his sword; "Guys, didn't anyone but me save?"

Spoiler: What prompted the question

Show

Six berserkers form the Horn of Valhalla and the entire rest of the party had all missed their DC 14 Wis save versus the Eidolon

[PhoenixPhyre]

Quotes of the night:

DM: have you ever seen a turtle vomit? Now you have...rolls an attack roll... Right in Zeke's face.

DM: dragon bureaucracy is a force to be reckoned with.

[KorvinStarmast]

A few quotes:

"You may not know me, that's why I carry Dragon Express"

Bard: "I am all about shameless self promotion. Shameless Self Promotions is the name of my LLC"

Bladelock: "Ritual master Jes Sun has it all well in hand. Ten houses? Wait, Ninjas!"

Bard to DM: "Did you say the Eldest's lair, or the Elvis Layer?"

"It's totally Safe ... OSHA would of course approve"

In the days that come there will be a deliverance by fire and blood - dwarvish prophesy
Sorcerer: "Cher is our friend"

Circle with 9 arrows facing out, tattoo on cultist

Zeke: "Prismatic Spray?" {voice rising?}
Paladin: "Zeke, please get out of the way!"
Bladelock: "If she's gonna cast Prismatic Spray, I'll go and get some food. This may take a while"

[GravityEmblem]

"The moose has started a concert."

[HalfTangible]

Player: "[describing how he seduces a noblewoman for a minute and a half]"
DM (interrupts): "Look, you get a +8, just shut up already..."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: This zombie looks like it is very dead

[WindStruck]

"HkgIufm! ArGhargh! KiNg!"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "Remind me of what plot items we found in that cave?"
GM: "Two ledgers. One was the sales of stolen goods, and the other-"
Sylvie: "Was Heath."

Sylvie: "This is Denise."
Beau: "And the boy?"
Sylvia: "Denephew."

Sparks: "Hey, look at this new spell I learned!"
Sparks: *dives off the balcony, slams into the table below, flipping the table and launching the mugs of ale through the glass window, showering ale at a passing horse who gets spooked and runs, smashing over a produce cart*
Farmer: "My cabbages!"
Sylvie: "You do know that this part of town is under an anti-magic ward, right?"
Sparks: "I. Am. Now. Aware."

Sylvie: "It turns out there's a twist in our quest."
City guard: "A twist? Who staged this, Shyamalan?"
Sylvie: "It was a good twist."
Sparks: "So no."

Duchess: "Does this Displacer Beast cloak make my butt look displaced?"

Sparks: "He has a B.A. in Battle Administration."

Donkey: "And in the morning, I'm making waffles."

Hobgoblin: "That's my Geas and I'm sticking to it."

GM: "Night falls, take 1d4 damage."
Beau: (*uses online roller*) "Wait, a 27?!"

Lily: *Sets up a booth at the edge of town*

• Cure light wounds: $25
• Cure light herpes: $250
• Cure light harpies: $2500

Sparks: "I've never been in a ship before."
Slyvie: "The fandom will fix that, don't worry."

Sparks: "Just looking at the boat bobbing in the water makes me feel ill."
Sylvie: "Then you're going to LOVE the next 5 weeks."
Sparks: "I'm going to ask the sailors around in the tavern for advice on surviving this voyage."
GM: "The sailors tell you various (and sometimes conflicting) tales, tips, and rumors on sea survival. Most of it is so superstitious that it's like taking a -2 penalty to your check."

Sparks: "Everything is bad luck! Women on ships is bad luck, knowing how to swim is bad luck, 17 out of 18 cloud types are bad luck..."
Lily: "You may want to find some remedies for seasickness."
Sparks: "Like don't be on a ship?"

[Telok]

"It's quiet... Too quiet."
"Bunny slipper attack! Rawr!"
"Aieeeeee!"

[DwarfFighter]

GM (Troll): "Salutations, adventurous persons. If you are of an inclination to traverse this structure, you must disburse payment to my own self."

Fighter: What now?

GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.

[Corey]

I return after a few days just to find I'm being used as a Goodyear blimp.

[HalfTangible]

>First round
DM: "Okay, Bloodrager, your turn."
Bloodrager: "I crit... and do 102 damage!"
DM: "I'm going to take a screenshot of this... just so you understand why I'm so friggen pissed right now"
>Boss had 102HP

[GravityEmblem]

I will leave this here.

[DigoDragon]

GM: Trolls speak Giant. They only use big words.

I laughed a bit too loudly here.


Sylvie (*draws her sword*): "I didn't get a harrumph out of you."
The Party: *surrounds the sus senator, draws weapons*

Lily: "Anything you say can and will be used against you in the church of law. If you do not have a deity to defend you, one will be assigned to you by the state-sanctioned pantheon."

GM: "You find a finger, encased in crystal. And no, not the Dark Crystal."
The Party (Skeksis voices) "MMmmmMMmmm!!"

GM: "I'm trying to think of the word... it's when you compare two people-"
Sparks: "A comparison?"

Sylvie: *throws Sparks into a large trunk*
Sparks: "Ack! Airholes!"
Sylvie: *draws sword and stabs the trunk*

Lily: "You're within earsight."

[HalfTangible]

P1: "Don't you have to say it in rhyme?"
DM: "I'm not a gnome right now, go **** yourself."

[Ralanr]

"We need a crew name. Every good pirate crew has a fearsome name."

"How about Amber Alert?"

[DigoDragon]

"How about Amber Alert?"

Oh, that's not the direction you want to go. XD


Lily: "It was an island in the Caribbean, but I forgot the name."
Sylvie: "Well let's throw out some names; Haiti? Cuba?"
Sparks: "Key Largo, Montego, oh I want to take you, to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama..."

Sparks: *mimes using a spyglass*
GM: "Do you have a spyglass?"
Sparks: "No, I'm just standing on the bow doing this." *mimes using a spyglass*

First Officer: "Dive! dive! All dive!"
Beau: "This is not that kind of ship!"

Sparks: "Ground! solid ground!" (*kiss*) "Blech! Ptooie! Sand! Awful beach sand!"

Beau: "Move my miniature up 20 feet."
Sparks: "5 10 15 20 25 30 35 40 45 50 Stop!"
GM: "??"
Sparks: "Apples peaches pumpkin pie, if you're not ready, holler aye!"

Sally: "Sing sing sing to give a Sneak bonus!"

Sparks: "I step to the side because I'm cowardly brave."

GM: "You find inside that barrel are jars of honey."
Sparks: "Honey! Do do doot do doot do-"
The Party: "Aw sugar, sugar! Do do doot do doot do!"

Beau: "What's in this box?"
GM: "You find salted and dried meat, but it looks and smells unusual. Make a Knowledge Nature check."
Beau: *rolls a 17*
GM: "This jerky is dried Merfolk."
Beau: "Ewww..."
Sparks: "Ah, the other white meat."

Sparks: "I cast Resistance."
Beau: "OHMmmm..."

Beau: "I cast Eldritch Blast at the chest lock."
GM: "Your blast gets within inches on the lock and... stops. It stays held here."
Sylvie: "Kylo Ren is in there."
GM: "The spell is absorbed, and you think the chest got just a tiny bit bigger."
Sylvie: "Kylo Ren's ego is in there."

[Rater202]

"Don't woo-wey, Senko-tan. Menko onee-sama will pwotec you until you're big again."

"...You know that this is only skin deep, right? This goes away the second I reabsorb that blob of flesh."

"Please let me have this."

[Amidus Drexel]

"What's the point in trapping office supplies?"

DM: "You're not sure if it's the lack of duck sausage, but he's hard to keep on your shoulders. Maybe he's too sweaty."
Paladin: "This is why I wear armor."
Monk: "I like my robes; they double as pajamas."

Assassin: "Are the ropes taut?"
Monk: "But who is the teacher?"

DM: "<paladin> make your 'disarm desk' roll."
Paladin: "Oooooone axe attack!"

DM: "He has a box with his earthly possessions."
Monk: "That means his underwear!"

Monk: "Please keep the fire away from any forbidden books you find."

--
Warlock: "Is it the gnome from the magic shop?"
DM: "It might be."
Warlock: "We're leaving him here."

Ranger: *knocks on door* "Hello fellow youths."
Warlock: "I am also a child."

Warlock: "I'm not responsible if they have weapons and something happens."
Assassin: "You could've stopped at 'responsible'."

Warlock: "Is it really killing a kid if you're also a kid?"
DM: "...yes."

Ranger: *natural 3*
DM: "You're absolutely certain that this door is trapped."

Warlock: "Well, we can burn the door, blow it down, or break through and kill everyone."
Ranger: "Oh, well, we wouldn't want to burn it or blow it down."
Warlock: "Think of the property damage!"

Ranger: "It's like ripping off the bandage from the wound."
Warlock: "3, 2, rock, paper, scissors!"
Both, simultaneously: "Rock!"
DM: "Okay, do it again."
Both, simultaneously: "Rock!"
DM: "Alright, both of you roll a d20."

Ranger: "I'm gonna roll in the door with like, a bandolier of sausage."

Assassin: "The warmer they are, the less guilty you feel about stealing their stuff."
Warlock: "If you set them on fire, they're always warm!"

Warlock: "I'd feel bad if I killed more parents."
Assassin: "I wouldn't."
Warlock: "Okay, I wouldn't either. I'm just saying that to make the bard feel better."

Assassin: "It's nice for the arson to be intentional for once."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "It appears the pier appeared through peer pressure."

GM: "Fine, so his hair clenches."

GM: "The City of Brass is run by evil genies."
Sparks: "Demand Ifrit and fair elections!"

Beau: "A pity that the door couldn't open the chest."

GM: "Beau, are you up in the crow's nest?"
Beau: "I am, yes."
GM: "Make a Spot check."
Beau: "That won't end well."
Sylvie: "Then why are you up there?"
d20 roll: *1*
Sylvie: "WHY ARE YOU UP THERE?"

Beau: "Can we sail around the water spout without, like, sailing too far out?"
Captain: "So get close, but not too close?"
Beau: "Yeah, no... I don't know, sail casual."

Captain: "How close should we get?"
Sylvie: "Keep going until you hear screaming."

GM: "It's a large, baggy ball made of what feels like silk and scaly leather."
Sparks: "...mom?"

Sparks: "I think I found Mordenkainen's beanbag chair."

Cloud Giant: "I have a few open spots that the prisoner could fill."
Sparks: "Uh, phrasing!"

Sparks: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."

[Coventry]

Sparks: "He asked us to come back when we're tastier... oh wait, wrong translation. Come back when we're more experienced."

No .... I'm pretty sure the first translation was the correct one ...

[Leon]

Sorcerer: Do you have the Heart
NPC: What Heart?
Sorcerer: Err, the Jar. The jar i gave you

[AdmiralCheez]

"I'm guessing you've never encountered the murderous robots before."
"I'm an octopus with a TV show, what do you think?"

[HalfTangible]

>2 hours into a 3 hour session
DM: "... Wait. You're naked?"

[PhoenixPhyre]

From last night:

Bard: I went from slut to dignitary over the course of an evening.
DM (to player, OOC): This is the only one who is fighting, that one is a turtle.
Warlock/Fighter: I get my sword out just in case the turtle gets aggressive.

[HalfTangible]

Not quite a quote, but:

My paladin is fighting side-by-side with a succubus. No, he is not about to fall; I checked to make sure.

[Necroticplague]

“So, long story short, I managed to ingratiate myself as a nigh-messianic figure by creating the most over-the-top pimp hat my mind could conjure.”

[TheTeaMustFlow]

(Party comes into dark room full of weapons)
Lobachevsky: I feel like I’m back in Russia already.
Kindly old woman appearing from behind a stack of grenades: Hello dearies, what can I get for you?
Lobachevsky: See? Babushka.

Armitage: That encounter perfectly showcases what our characters will be doing in the campaign – I’ll be shooting things, Raj will be telling me what to shoot, Lobachevsky will be dealing with the things I can’t shoot, and the Doc won’t be there half the time!