Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "I'm too stupid to get rabies and too strong to get poisoned!"

[Telok]

"Saying it takes a good GM to raise a game above minimum competence mediocrity is damning with faint praise. A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."


"I don't like mining." "Great, our cleric is a dwarf hippie."

[Personification]

"A good enough GM can make FATAL decently playable."

While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.

[Telok]

While I respect the sentiment of your overall point, I have to contest that this is false. There is no baker good enough to turn a trash fire into a birthday cake.

Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.

Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.

[DCraw]

Oh I don't know. Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way... Sure, you'd end up with just another janky D&D knockoff with a terrible magic system, but it could work with a good enough DM.

Not saying it'd be a birthday cake, but at least you could avoid food poisoning and your hair wouldn't be on fire. Ya know, like minimum competency "this game can be played". After that its just on the DM to make up missing stuff & make it fun.

But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.

[Telok]

But at that point, is it still FATAL? Sure it would still be racist, sexist, historical-era-ist, and a few dozen other -ists, but without the terrible system to counterbalance the terrible setting I don't think it can still be considered the same steaming pile.

Well then you could take D&D and "Move to a point buy & choose char gen, drop lots of unnecessary crap, drop lots of stuff you don't want to bother with like encumberance & ammo tracking, don't roll a lot of the time if you think the outcome should go a certain way..." and end up in the same place eh? Neuter any system of mechanics down to minimum competency mediocrity game that it takes a good experienced GM to make into more than a basic combat boardgame plus unstructured improv. What are you left with?

But that's a tangent. Here's another from last week:

"The sound of butchering hogs with a wood axe and random screaming. Must be the barbarian stealth scouting again."

[jbr712]

“If they’re cranking, I’m spitting”
-Coeden (a PC in my campaign)

[Diachronos]

"Trust me. Give Carl the coin, he'll get you the prostitute, and the librarian will give you what you want."

"I mean, I'm a frost giant. I assume I hage some sort of racial ouchie to fire."

[TurboGhast]

"I'm sorry for causing the party to retroactively commit murder."

[HalfTangible]

Exalted

PC1: (sarcastic) "Man, I bet you were fantastic at hunting solars back in the day."
PC2: (me) "I smack him lightly across the back of his head."
PC1: "OW! Ow--dammit PC2, PC3's a big girl, she can smack me herself! Damn, that smarts..."
PC2: "I barely grazed you."
PC1: "I roll to establish that he did not, in fact, 'barely graze me'." (4sux)
PC2: "I will challenge that fact and say I *did* barely graze him." (5sux) "AHA!"

This is definitely what fact establishment is for.

[Telok]

"Hey! My axe has an AoE electric blast!" "You've been holding out on us?!?"

"You haven't crit in two fights. What did you do to piss off the dice gods?"

[Laserlight]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"



New Paladin PC to Pirate PC: "Are you evil?"
Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil. You'd have to ask him." (indicates party leader)

Later, the party leader. "Evil? No, I have a complex theological justification for that." (which he never explains)

[KorvinStarmast]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"

This is a conversation that I hope our party bard has with Strahd at some point. (I'm a warlock, not sure I'll be appealing to her).

Pirate: "Well...pirate, slave trader, drug trader, brothel owner, and I did make a deal with an Old One who ended up destroying a city, but I don't know whether any of that counts as evil.

I'd blame the rum for that.

[NRSASD]

How to aggro the boss: "Strahd, you've been trying to win this girl for five hundred years? Seriously? I got her in bed in less than two hours!"

How long did that character survive after that comment, and was it worth being dismembered?

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "There's a sign on this door's push bar that reads 'pull'."
Beau: "Ah yes, the entrance exam."

Sparks: "It's what happens when you order Vecna from Wish.com."

GM: "You're man-sized?"
Lily: "Elf sized."

Sparks: "Did you take up gardening while you were trapped?"
Lily: "It was a corrupt treant!"
Sparks: "Still lasted longer than my houseplant."
Beau: "The plastic one?"

Lily: "Lets get back to town so that I can get stupid-drunk."
Sylvie: "Uh, did the corruption take our cleric?"

Sparks: "Imagine having Brillo pads for a face."

Sylvie: "Pretty sure the crystal goblin is a typo."

Sparks: "did you just say Thunder Boobies?"

Sylvie: "We're gonna need an illusion of a comet and two barrels of Flavor-aid."

[NRSASD]

P1: He drank some holy water, so maybe he shriveled up like a peanut?

[KorvinStarmast]

P1 "OK, the son of the noble is pale, withdrawn, and hides in the attic where light flashes are seen from its one window by numerous town folk at odd hours of the day and/or night. What's he doing up there, playing video games in a world with no electricity?"

P2: "That's about the size of it"

DM: *nods* "- or something like that"

[Zuras]

Bard: I’m going to keep dancing till her dress starts falling off, then drop the anvil on her head.

[animorte]

Warlock: Is it hard?

DM: Oh that’s why the imp is always invisible!

Warlock: Ha… difficult.

[NRSASD]

Barbarian: I run across the room and fly into a rage!
DM: What specifically are you enraged about?
Barbarian: The architecture!
Druid, OoC: I like that you have to have a catalyst for your anger.
Barbarian: It’s not Gothic, I hate it! It’s gotta go.
Wizard: It’ll be baroque by the time you’re through with it!

Barbarian: I invoke my ancestral gardening!
Party: looks confused
Barbarian: *Guardians

Monk: It’s a spell but I don’t know what kind. I am but a buffoon in the shape of a lizard!

DM: a cockatrice emerges from the rubble.
Monk: I give it a respectful nod and say “Hey”
DM: it bites you!
Monk: Whaaaaat…?

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "I admire that you have the intelligence to know Wisdom is your dump-stat, but your wisdom is too low to do the smart thing about it."

Sparks: "I got my wizard spells ready for the day."
Beau: "I got my warlock... spell ready for the day."

Rand: "I'm concerned at how many D&D problems we've resolved with a two-ton gorilla."

Erinyes: "I need an adult!"

Sparks: "I will debuff you to the Abyss!"

Lily: "How far is the Erinyes from me?"
Sylvie: "120 feet."
Lily: "Good, I have something that'll reach her."
Sparks: "Well I'm scared."
Erinyes: "Me too."

Sylvie: "How did you not see the 8-foot gorilla?!"

GM: "See, she can hit the broad side of a kobold!"
Sparks: "I'm not that fat."

[BlacklightVirus]

Ranger: "So you're telling me the real knife-slime was literally the friend we made along the way?"



NPC: (to the Barbarian, genuinely encouraging) "Aww... you go, little guy. You go live your dream of being a corpse."



DM: "Add another one to the bee's kill count, I guess. What are we at, seven?"



Artificer, OoC: "Yeah, I'd say [my steel defender] is something of a himbo."



DM: *deep sigh* "No, putting the potion in the fantasy humidifier won't do anything."



Barbarian: "I find the biggest squash and take a single bite out of it, then put it back so nobody can see it."
DM: *bewildered* "Why?"
Barbarian: "She mind-controlled our friend and tried to kill us."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Oh, because I have the big hat?"
Beau, Lily, and Sylvie: "Yes."

Beau: "Okay, so who gave the kobold a clicky pen?"

Sparks: "This beer tastes like the dude in Hamilton who got shot."
Lily: "Which guy?"
Sparks: "I haven't decided, but the body was stashed in the keg."

Lily: "What's the capacity of a type II Bag of Holding?"
Sparks: "What do you mean? African or European?"

GM: "Great, now I need math."

Sparks: "Oh, you naughty rope!"

GM: "You come up to six huts, made with skins."
Party: "... ... ..."
GM: "Animal skins."
Party: "Oh! Phew, yeah. Okay. Big difference that. We're good now."

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC (in the basement, with a crew of NPCs supporting him) looking dead in the eye of the lead melee PC and mouthing "Kill them all!" (He meant his own minions)

Paladin: "Someone used money from your trading company to hire mercenaries to kill me - and the voucher was signed by you."
Pompous comptroller: "No! I - we - did not. I assure you, it's not on the books!"
Paladin: "Which books? The ones you show to the royal tax officers or the ones you use to keep track of the money?"

Wizard: "I'm going to visit ... her."
Paladin: "Is she still the lead in that musical which performs false versions of our history that glorifies you?"
Wizard: "Yes"
Paladin: "I'll pass - not gonna be there at the premiere."

[Amidus Drexel]

"Grillark is on his way to becoming a shonen protagonist."
"You do appear to have the powers of God, Anime, and Dave on your side."

"What are you doing here?"
"Look, kid. Me, metal box, 3000 years. Not that complicated."

"Hey, don't pray here! We have a temple at home!"
"Temple at home: "

"God dammit."
"Careful, kid, I got one on the line."
"Out of character god dammit."

"I came, I saw, I... came back."

"This is a midget fight club and Grillark is awkwardly tall."

[Telok]

"So what'd I miss last week?" <talking> "He gave you enough rope and you hung yourselves?"

"The dead are very good at deadpan."

DM: "Shield guardians for everyone would be four hundred and fifty thousand gold."
P1: "Well at least it's something to spend money on."
P2: "My familiar sleeps on a pile of thirty thousand. It's not that far off."
P3: "How about gold golems? Are there stats for those?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "Resist the possession, Judge! Make the demon leave you!"
(Had just cast Protection from Evil and Good)
NPC Noble: {Rolls with advantage, and gets something north of 20}
SFX: Pop goes the demon!
Rest of Party: "Where'd this Marilith come from?"
DM: "Roll initiative!"
Rest of Party: Glare at paladin in three part harmony

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "We have achieved bisexual lighting."

Fighter: "We're thinking about ways to light everything on fire; we're real adventurers now!"
Cleric: "Hey, don't include me in this."
Fighter: "Shush, you tried to put out the sun."
Cleric: "It was a tactical decision!"

Fighter: "I dunno guys, I'm feeling kinda bad about this."
DM: "Oh, so those people that died with less dignity - it was okay to rob their corpses - but this is where you draw the line?"

--
Assassin: "I wouldn't say we've been failing forwards."
Paladin: "Yeah, more like sideways."

Paladin: "It's like whiskey - except it's okay, the potions are medicinal."
Assassin: "...whiskey is medicinal."
Paladin: "Well, maybe the way we use it."

Monk: "I think you have to eat all your veggies at every meal to get the tree network wifi password."

Paladin: "What if the people LIKE segregation"

[Telok]

"Cripes. I throw down an upcast damage shield and suddenly nothing can roll over an 8 to hit me? Is this the ultimate AC buff?"

"You're a fighter with two decent buffs and an axe that farts sunlight facing a room full of stupid melee mobs. This makes you death incarnate today. Now go solo all the vampires. We'll wait."

"Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?"

[Slipjig]

P2: Do you have a shellfish allergy?
P3: ...no?
P2: Excellent! [Slapping sound]

NPC: Isn't the whole point of people like you owning a business to generate plot hooks?
P1: Hey now! Breaking the fourth wall is OUR job!