Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[malachi]

Spoiler

Show

New PCs, because last campaign kind of kersplatted due to overly difficult encounter and PC stupidity). Although 2 sessions into this one, and it looks like it might go the same direction (although mostly because of PC choices this time)...

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.

All characters share the same father who is, according to the DM, of the bardic persuasion.

Eerie: "How light are you?"
DM: "About 50 to 60 feet."



Barry: "I'll hold 'em off. Run!"
...
Dis, OOC: "Wait, you meant to run away?"



Eerie: "Now that we've rested, we can go right back to the outpost that scared us off earlier and finish killing everything."
Barry: "Yer plan ain't so good. They're sure to of put up more o' them guards."
Eerie: "Are you calling me stupid?"
Barry: "I di'n say that."
Dis: "That sounds like something I would say."
Barry: "Well, I do listen t'ya."


Barry: " 'ave ya ever looked at 'n ant hill?"
Eerie: "No."
Barry, OOC: *head desk*

laz ooc: you forgot about the gratuitous cannibalism.
vince: yeah, i've got a bone to pick with that.

Me: That's the spirit.
Necromancer: Sorry, didn't mean to let him loose.

Marv: "Looks like we're in."
Nova: "And no guards in sight!"
Victor the giant guard: "Well, well, well. We meet again."
Marv: "...I blame you."

June: "Who knew bubblegum-cake-batter made such great ammunition?"
Pinkie Pie: "I know, right?"

Nova: "I would rather not let the discount Juggernaut Jim Henson me, thank you very much!"

Dan: "I wonder how they're fairing."
*side of the base explodes*
MoP: "Does that answer your question?"

NH: "Do I look like a multitool to you?"
Marv: "Is that a trick question?"

Nova: "Oooooh! What does this button do?"
Marv: "Channel your inner Dee Dee and find out."

Princess Celestia: "It is a shame you cannot stay any longer."
Dan: "Well, you know, duty calls."
June: "And I miss the feeling of technology."
Nova: "Plus I'm running low on Surge. Only got one left."
Marv: "The one that Twilight's drinking right now?"
*Beat*
NH: "Here we go again."

How many of these characters are ponies, again?

[NRSASD]

Kenku: Points at swamp "Swamp!"
Points at self "From Swamp!"
Points at Grung "Family?"
Grung: "You are nothing to me"
Goliath: "Oooo disowned by Kermit"

[DigoDragon]

How many of these characters are ponies, again?

Not enough.


GM: "I'll pay you to draw that, with the butter."

Mirror: "There's something on the back of the ladder."
Doc: "Something on the rung side of the--wow, that came out without even thinking about it."

Trap: Days since last rogue: *resets counter to 0*

Doc: *opens the box*
GM: "Inside you find a silver statue of the spider queen with rubies for eyes."
Doc: *closes the box* "That's a big box of NOPE."
Max: "What's a nope?"
Doc: *opens the box again*
Max: "...NOPE."
Doc: *closes the box*

GM: "Roll me an Investigate check."
Max: *rolls* "Oooh, interesting..."
GM: "You roll at least a 10?"
Max: "I rolled a 2."

Doc: "It's tattooed on her butt."
Azriel: "Is that where it is? Wait, why are you looking--"
Doc: "Sarcasm, not observation!"

Mirror: "I rub Doc against my chest and then stick him to the wall."

Doc: "How is the dragon stealthier than I am?!"
Azriel: "Well, I don't wear any armor."
Doc: "But you're the size of a dragon!"
Azriel: "Um... did you mean to say that?"
Doc: *angry horse noises*

GM: "The Dreidel song doesn't need a low-bass dance remix."

Max: "Go ahead and run. You'll just die tired."
Hell Hound: *runs away*
Max: *crits on his rifle shot*
GM: "Okay the hound drops dead from Rule of Cool."

Doc: "I'm a bard of inspiration, not timing."

[Guizonde]

"oh, they're eating people! good thing we brought bibles!"

[Telok]

"But nuking stuff from orbit is so expensive. Lets just use the Shadows. Teleport a few into a city."

"Simple. We tell them we've doomed the planet and that we'll give the best interior decorator a ride out when we leave."

[malachi]

Spoiler: Dramatis Personae

Show

New character joined!
Lyne: Half-Tabaxi Hunter Ranger. Showed up a few late 'cause he was in jail.

Barry: half-elf Devotion paladin. Grew up on a farm. Sounds like a hick, according to Eerie.
Eerie: Goliath Devotion paladin. Half cloud giant. Got picked on so he had to leave home.
Dis: Tiefling Lore Bard / lawyer training in the Hells. Or Abyss. I forget which one the lawful fiends are from. Sounds very british.
Rain: Half-Vedalken Illusionist Wizard.

10 hour sessions are fun. But we survived!

Everyone at the table: *silence*
Dis, OOC: "I killed a goblin w/ vicious mockery!"

Lyne: "We're with the kingdom's census department. How many goblins are in the mountain?"
DM: "Roll Deception"
Lyne: *fails*
Goblin: "You were supposed to be here last week!"

Barry: "Get away while I hold them off!"
Dis: *refuses; casts vicious mockery 3 more times, killing the hobgoblin captain*

Eerie: *holding Lyne in a fireman carry*
Hobgoblins: *miss Eerie 3 times with bows, hit Lyne 3 times*
Dis: "You really have a meat shield this time!"

Dis, OOC: "My scroll of pedigree is written in blood."
Barry, OOC: "Whose blood?"
Dis, OOC: *shrugs*

Eerie, OOC: "It's amazing how rich people don't like Abe Lincoln."

DM, OOC: "He's a young Gandalf."
Barry, OOC: "But blue."
DM and Eerie, OOC: "Bluedalf."

DM, as party: "We just killed 100 goblins - easy."
DM, as NPC: "What's your name?"
DM, as party: "We quit!"

Dis: *jazz fingers*

Barry: "You ready to do this, Eerie?"
Eerie: *nods*
*both charge towards the makeshift barricade*
Eerie: *Thunderous Smites the barricade, killing 8 goblins behind it*
Barry: *tries to shoulder tackle barricade, stumbles, looks awkward*

Barry: "They're in fireball formation! Too bad we're only level 4..."
Rain: "Yeah. Too bad." *pulls out scroll* *one goblin lives, because he was outside the range*

DM, OOC: "Lyne, if you multiclass Rogue, you could be a half-catburglar!"
Dis, OOC: "Wouldn't it make him a half-cat half-burglar?"


MVP: Vicious mockery - killed 4 of the 5 minibosses (dealing at least 50% of the damage each took, as well)
Runner up: Sanctuary + dodge

[Spookykid]

no, I charge towards demogorgon!

[DeTess]

DM: So, the mangler clambers up the storage silo, and catches up to [the ranger]. Let's see, that's six attacks, and because [the ranger] hasn't acted yet it rolls with advantage and does bonus damage...
Everyone else: *horrified silence...*
DM: ...ehm, if this ends up killing him, that wasn't on purpose

Artificer:*OOC* The giant ape has mental stats not that much worse that that of the average DnD player, so you won't lose much.

Artificer: I bring my magic gun to bear on the tentacle monster and fire a grenade*.
DM: *rolls* It passes the save, and for this creature that means... Eeny, meenie, miny, mo *points at warlock* You roll a save as well, as the creature bats the projectile out of the air straight towards you.

Artificer: I fire a shot of plasma** at the tentacle creature. And...*rolls* it misses, probably.
DM: It doesn't just miss. As before, it intercept the shot with a tentacle and reidrects it towards... the ranger. Roll a gain to try and hit him.
Artificer: ... an 18 probably does hit, doesn't it?

Wizard: Alright, time for the big guns. Eat this.
DM: *grins and rolls save*
Wizard: Wait, I should have been paying more attention to what happened to the artificer, didn't I?
DM: Yep. it saves, and that means...
Wizard: I counterspell my own spell!



*shatter spell
**firebolt spell

[Aka-chan]

"...The gelatinous cube has jaundice?"



"I need my other 3rd-level spell to de-chicken the guy."

[ZeroGear]

How many of these characters are ponies, again?

Of the PCs, just Night Hunter (NH)

Not enough.

Too True.

Marv: "I'm really starting to hate portals."
Dan: "Any other words of wisdom Geralt?"

NH: "I'm not a lamp, pulling my tail ISN'T going to make my horn light up!"

Nova: *opens random door*
Tentacles: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*
Nova: "NOPE!" *coses door*

Dan: "THROW THE CHEESE!"
MoP: "Gouda Idea!"

Marv: "Where's Nova?"
Nova, flying past with a jetpack: "I HAVE THE YEEEEEET!"
Marv: "...never mind."

NH: "The tentacle monster is wearing sunglasses..."
June: "He's sexy and he knows it!"
Tentacle Monster: *wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle*

[Duff]

"I slowly and non-threatening put away my bow and draw my sword"

[JBPuffin]

“We now know why licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.”

[uraniumdragon]

“This began as pants-on-head retarded—“
“—but now they’ve turned the pants around, so they can look out of the fly, see where they’re going—“
“—yet still pants-on-head retarded?”
“YES.”

“The non-com and the nerd. This is going to be interesting.”
“ ‘You can read, sir?...’ And then it comes around the corner with ‘[NCO] Sux’ written on its shield...”

later
“And the robot slaps him on the ass.”
“...that wasn’t a slap, that was a full-on grab. That’s going to be trouble later. ‘YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY, POINDEXTER?!!!’ “

[Telok]

"Mage duels on this planet are not spectator sports."

"We took more damage from your defiling than from the ten meter tall teleporting murder elephants."

"He got away!"
"Give me a couple minutes to catch the interior decorator, then you can nuke the city from orbit."

P1: "We aren't the good guys are we?"
P2: "We doomed an entire planet and made a deal with a daemon lord."
Dm: "Plus the local version of the great London fire of 1666, and nuking a city, releasing uncontrolled nanotech infections, starting an interstellar war, and enabling the vampire council to shroud entire planets in permanent darkness."
P3: "So, not the good guys?"

[bc56]

Me: "With a schwoooop, er I mean with absolutely no sound effect whatsoever, the silence spell goes up."

Solas: "Skipper leaves a perfectly halfling-shaped hole in the door."

Kit: "Maybe we should have checked for magic before we walked into the mysterious mist."

Kit: "Hat of the Winterlands!"
Solas: "Isn't that just a ushanka?"

[Guizonde]

dm: a file cabinet falls on militia's head, stunning her.
lucii: she's not the only one stunned!

belsunce: get away from her body! she's not dead yet!
malax: oh, about the whole necrophilia thing, don't worry. i only do it when i'm high on cocaine!
militia ooc: and that's better how?

dm: surprise round for the bad guys!
*2 critical fails leading to being one-shot in attacks of opportunity, 2 misses, and a very large amount of napalm*
dm: surprise critical existence failure for the bad guys!

malax: i unscrew a wall panel!
dm: a very large rat tries to attack you and... *rolls* misses.
malax: i bait it with food.
dm: ... it works, but it shouldn't.
malax: i'm gonna call it "pookie".

dm: malax returns with a very large rat following him.
militia: this just got silly, didn't it?

militia: ok, so croustor the npc told me we might find clues in a settlement to the north!
team: lead on.
militia rolls orientation: *5 degrees of failure* ok, so croustor is wrong, we're heading south instead! *goes north anyway*

belsunce: who are we following? me or militia?
lucii: well, she knows where she's going. we're just following you because you catch incoming bullets.
militia, to herself: we're going south, we're going south! i'm panicking over here! *keeps heading north unwittingly*

zbeb: *strikes a brooding pose* it amazed zbeb how such a team could hope to save their village, just finding out how big the world was. would they rise up to the task? would they succeed? only the hallowed ancestors knew, and they were not speaking to zbeb right now.
militia: is zbeb brooding again? i just saw subtitles appearing in front of me.

dm: finally zbeb fumbles a hide check! he bumps into a can of yellow paint, you all can see him!
lucii: who's that guy?!
zbeb ooc: i undress and disappear again! *rolls and succeeds*
louka ooc: ... a naked mall-ninja covered in yellow paint running around being invisible? really? what the hell are we playing?!
militia: aaaah, finally you're getting the whole experience package!

louka ooc: hold up, i've built a flamethrower halberd and you're all ok with it?!
belsunce: honestly, it doesn't even make the top twenty most brutal weapons list.
louka: i love this game.

zbeb ooc: i wall jump on the 4th wall to pincer the enemies.

louka: ooooh, look at that dent!
dm: dude, that was your face last session.
louka: i know, but now since i can fly, i can make more much higher up!

militia: ok, guess i'm up for the hunting party.
*louka, flying with his jet pack drops a grenade onto a swarm of rats*
dm: militia, you're covered in gibs and blood and guts.
militia: louka, that's not hunting!
louka: *winks with a huge smile on his face and two thumbs up*

zbeb: guided by an epiphany, zbeb pulled out his nail gun and *rolls* headshot the large rat, dropping him like a shadow.
lucii: man, i'm so rich, i kill creatures without even thinking about it!

lucii: uh, guys? huge problem over here.
louka: *throws grenade* *winks at militia and doing a thumbs up* "hunting!"

belsunce: *puts down cup of coffee* 4 large wolves?
dm: yup, do you rouse the troops?
belsunce: are you thick? they'd just steal my kills. i charge!

dm: you just went from "chili con carne" to "medical textbook".
malax: guess it took a bit of time for the qaaludes to wear off.
louka: meh, free chili.
militia: without grenades, even!

dm: rope climbing time!
lucii: is this the part where i suck?
dm: all in favor of skipping the next 45 minutes of struggle and humiliation?
*all 6 hands raised*

[ZeroGear]

Marv: "We would be done by now if you weren't constantly wasting time flying around like a lunatic!"
Nova: "Don't you mean, a MAJESTIC EAGLE?"

June: "We go that-a-way! Onwards Floyd!"
NH: "You named it Floyd?"
June: "What else would you name a pink tentacle monster?"

Nova: "Time for the MAJESTIC EAGLE!"
MoP: "He's here to bring the YEET!"
Dan: "Would that make him a 'Yeagle'?"
Nova: "The MAJESTIC YEAGLE!"

June: "That's a lot of sand..."
NH: "What do we do now, oh 'Wise One'?"
June: "Don't worry, I have the perfect plan!"
NH: "I wasn't worried. That lasted all of three minutes."

Dan: "There they are!"
Marv: "I see them. Now how are we getting down there?"
Nova: "Hang on, I think they're drawing something in the sand..."
Dan: "Can you make out what it is?"
Nova: "It's some kind of message..."
Marv: "Well? What does it say?"
Nova: "It says... 'Send Nudes'..."

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Before you go getting any funny ideas, I read my contracts carefully. In this case, I'm to bring back your brain intact. It's suspiciously silent on whether it has to be in the original packaging.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Roll Survival."
Doc: "Four."
Max: "I'll assist for advantage."
Doc: *re-rolls* "...four."

Azriel: "Pew pew!"
Mirror: "Your fingers have iron sights?"

Doc: "This should only be the second strangest thing we've googled."
Max: "On YouTube? Dude, there should be blue prints for it!"

Doc: "We're all magic skeletons piloting meat mecha."

Azriel: "If I can't read it, I'm blasting it."
Doc: "Can I read it?"
GM: "Who is proficient in Arcana?"
Doc: "I'm proficient in Arcana."
GM: "You have Arcana?"
Doc: "I'm a bard. I have all the skills."
GM: "Ok, the scroll title reads, 'How to bargain with the Old Ones'."
Doc: "Nevermind. Blast away."

GM: "It is... an iron cast... abound in bread..."
Doc: "Um, what?"

Mirror: "Sweetie, don't act like someone dropped a house on your sister."

Doc: "I hug my emotional support wife."

GM: "She looks at you with udder contempt."
Max: "Moo?"

[malachi]

Overheard from another campaign: "He's clearly making the doors go easy on us!"

Overheard from another campaign: "The arrow is higher level than us. It'll be the true BBEG!"

Barry, OOC: "That ends my turn."
DM: "Liar."

Barry, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"

Spoiler

Show

Things happened, and Barry wanted to do different things than the rest of the group, so he got switched out with Sauriv, a lizardfolk druid.

Sauriv, OOC: "Which means you can only get one barrel of gunpowder to trip to the pharmacy, right?"

Sauriv, OOC: "Wait, that's not my accent, is it?"
Rain, OOC: "You sound like a dwarf with a cold."

Sauriv, OOC: "Today, we learned that two men who get pulled into the water can kill 4 sharks, but not 8."

[Telok]

Dm: "You made me do math. But I found out the orbital bombardment only killed about 80% of the people in the city."
Pc: "Serves them right."
Dm: "Only two of the 130 high level adventurers died."
Pc: "We need those shields up pronto!"

[DigoDragon]

Rime: "Doc! Bring me the salad fork! I need to cast fireball!"
Doc: "Why is your fireball stored in the salad fork?"

GM: "Apparently Roxy has the key to Oddy’s hoof cuffs. If you could unlock them when you next post, I would be grateful."


Pepper: "Okay, Goddess, that Doctor you met the other night wants to hook you up into a goddess tube to power his giant killer robot and enslave all of pony kind."
Rime: "He was even talking about killing [you] for fun!"
Doc: "Are... are we all talking about the same me here?"
Pepper: "Look, I'm bored and the reindeer can probably dodge bullets with some sort of joke power. Selling you out is all I have left."
Doc: "But... but then who is going to stick the party back together if someone gets shot?"
Oddy: (*bounds into the room*) "Are we having a parrrty?!"
Doc: "Apparently we are and I'm the piñata."
Oddy: "Ooh, I knew that under the nerdy act, you are naughty."
Doc: "Nerdy act? I'm not acting, I really am a nerd!"
Oddy: "Da, da." (waving it off with a clear disbelief as she pulls a baseball bat)
Doc: "Wait, I object to hitting the team doctor!"
Oddy: "I just merely, oblige to your darkest wishes."
Doc: "My only wish right not is not getting hit."
Oddy: "This game is confusing me."

[Guizonde]

vince: i don't wanna leave loose ends...
boris: why don't you cut off his tongue?
vince: i'm hesitating...
random bystander npc: what the hell?!

the beast: ok, food is not a problem anymore. *rolls instinct* time to reproduce.

vince ooc: it's not a fourth wall anymore! it's a fifth character!
the beast ooc: wall? more like a sieve!

ricard: cannibalism. creating social links since the dawn of lunchtime.

[ZeroGear]

Nova: "Woot! Finally together again!"
June: "Why guys, we made a new friend."
Floyd: *Wiggle**Wiggle**Wiggle*
Nova: "Time to split up!"

Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"

June: "No obstacle can stop the Tenta-spy!"

NH: "Since when does Nova have super naked speed?"

NH: "They've got Nova!"
Dan: "Don't worry, we'll get to him."
June: "We'd better hurry, we'll want these back sooner rather than later." *holds up Nova's pants*
Dan: "...do I even want to know?"
June: "Not really."

Lab Assistant: "for someone that's been strapped to a table, you're taking this pretty well."
Nova: "Oh, I'd be a lot more freaked out if this wasn't the second time this happened. Thankfully, this time doesn't involve drinking, a duck, a bucket of bees wax, or a gallon tub of lard."

Marv: "Can we please just bust through the door like normal people?"

[DigoDragon]

Marv: "Now is not the time for your ridiculous Pie in the Horse ideas!"
Dan: "...Pie in the WHAT?"

I know that reference! XD


Doc: "Not my monkey, not my circus."
Mirror: "His monkeys fly and harass people from Kansas."
Doc: "They know what they did."

[Telok]

Dm: You have 30,000 credits of "stuff" in the utility belt as long as it's light bulk or less?
Pc: as long as each item individually is light or less. Plus the hide behind people thing.
Dm: What?
Pc: Stealth check as long as there's at least one non-hostile within five feet.
Dm: A ton and a half of walrus with a green and yellow polka dot cape, gold helmet, and pink jetpack? And you just need a random halfling to hide behind?
Pc: The jetpack has purple stripes. Besides, I didn't want to be silly.
Dm: I'm afraid to ask.

[Guizonde]

tribal leader: you should try the salad.
ricard: ooh, that tastes good. what's the meat?
tribal leader: the toes of our enemies.
laz: *chokes*

ricard: see, old timer? that's a potato, try it, it tastes really good!
laz: it's squishy. i don't trust squishy food.
ricard: dude, i made you eat liver.
laz: don't remind me. i knew the victim.

last time i rp a cannibal, i swear.

[Heavenblade]

Our sorcerer, while being grappled by an acidic ooze - "good news guys, the blob is friendly!"

After he revealed his draconic ancestry, causing the ooze to withdraw due to plot reasons - "nooo! Bloby! Come baaaack"

[Telok]

"I don't care how well it worked. The walrus does not get to wear his skimpy cheer leader outfit while captaining our spaceship."

[Guizonde]

brutallica: i'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll be puking toes.

kami: what's for dinner, halfling?
brutallica: potatoes.
grimm: oh, great. i thought we were past that gag.

free: anybody got a tomato?
korinn: oh great, now i have to look for another portal.

kami: hah! i told josé it takes training to break rocks by kicking!
grimm: must feel good breaking a golem's rocks rather than it breaking yours.