Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Yora]

"If I manage to charm the captain, I will shout 'Wench, more ale!'
If the charm fails and I need the fighters to start a bar brawl and the rogues to stab the captain in the back, I will shout 'Wench, more beer!'"

(Simple plan, no chance for any miscommunications.)

[Necroticplague]

Sounds like Elan.

Sounds like navigating the Wyld.

Probably because it’s someone like the former giving us a crash course on doing the latter.

[Guizonde]

v5.32: you won't be laughing when i've got my lascannon chicken!

[Personification]

Me to Paladin OOC: It's simple. You work as a Caterers' Guild enforcer. If someone doesn't pay their deposit, you smite them with righteous anger.

Bard: I cast Vicious Mockery on the zombie.
DM: OK, how do you insult it?
Me: How about "you are like a microwaved burrito, somehow both too hot and too cold and nobody likes you."
Bard: OK, I say that.
DM: [rolls] The zombie is not insulted, mostly because it doesn't know what a microwave burrito is.

[Man on Fire]

"This isn't Lord of the Rings, calm down!"

[GreatWyrmGold]

"I can only attack friendly spiders!"

Spoiler: Heretical context

Show

I could not roll successful attacks for crap, until a temporarily mind-controlled spider provoked an attack of opportunity*, at which point I rolled a natural 20.

*We didn't realize that wouldn't work until after I rolled damage.

[Guizonde]

syldariss: an ork soldier named roh-bair? ok i'll bite.
roh-bair: don't worry that's my job.

[Man on Fire]

"Speaking from a spider's perspective, there is nothing wrong about eating your mother."

[Guizonde]

roh-bair: *roars*
syldariss *flinches*

syldariss: *casts chain lightning*
roh-bair: *flinches*
dm: ok, you guys are even now.

[Necroticplague]

“I prefer to think of myself as a thief that accepts commissions.”

[Foeofthelance]

"Can someone tell me how community service turned into kidnapping?"

"This is the primary city of adventure. The locals are use to random bears running into taverns, dragging a halfling out by the back of his neck, and then suplexing him into the pavement."

[Rater202]

"I don't know my parents. All I know is that my mother probably mated with a dozen males that night, that she laid her eggs in a random hole in the wall, and then when I came out white on hatching I was dragged away from the clutch to be trained as a sage and what I want be damned. Maybe I don't want to be a sage. Maybe I want to eat noodles, move to the land of beaches, and walk around naked. That's my business!"

"...You are a snake. You do not normally wear clothes to begin with... Even now, since you did not leave that kimono behind when you assumed your true form earlier I have to assume that it is either an illusion cast over your transformed body or a construct molded from your chakra."

"Stop picking apart my nonsense."

[Guizonde]

v5.32: can you guys help me catch a giant rat for an experiment?
bernie: let's make it a contest: boys versus girls. biggest rat caught wins!
grigori: this won't end well.

melman: you won't get two inquisitors involved into your silly bet. mostly because i'd win.

grigori: quit antagonizing the boss, bernie!

wynnifred: brigbal stole an inquisitor's lunch. i think i like this guy.
v5.32: he's like a paperwork ninja.

dm: squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop. squick, plop...

grigori: by the emperor, i never want to live that again. *cries fully clothed in a shower*
bernie: *sobs uncontrollably fully clothed in the shower*

v5.32: yeah, kinda glad i didn't spy on the showers right then and there.

wynnifred: man, voidborn are weird! *proceeds to telekinetically pour tea in a sugar bowl*

[Telok]

DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."

[LordCdrMilitant]

DM: "Hmm. AT-ST are really pretty cheap. I wonder if the PCs can handle 30 of them. Nah, it'd be a pain to run. Just three AT-AT then, unless they bring the tanks."

This describes my game, except 40k themed.

Katherine's thought process: "An encounter group of a company of SPA, an AAA battery, and a company of mechanized infantry with two more companies off-map waiting to reinforce and cut off retreat lines sounds fair."
Party: *dies*

[Miltonian]

Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox
RT: "Captain?"
Captain: "Sir?"
RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."

[Mr.Sandman]

Rogue Trader: "Sir, I believe this planet belongs to me now."
Governor: "Don't see your name on it."
The Rogue Trader sits in silence for a moment, then picks up the Vox
RT: "Captain?"
Captain: "Sir?"
RT: "Warm up the lance and write my name on the northern continent."

CHA? why does the moon say CHA?

[BlueHamsterBean]

(Long time lurker here; happy to finally share some of the madness I’ve seen/encouraged in gaming )

Player: “I Micheal Phelps dive trident first off the dock into the water.”
Me (DM): “...Ok, make an attack.” Hits
“There is a loud ‘clang’ and a long and drawn out ‘ow!’ From beneath the dock.”

Me (DM): “Technically, both you and the giant ferret are medium sized, but since it’s awesome and hilarious, I will allow it.”
Player: “Giddyup!”

[DigoDragon]

All this happened in one fight by me:


"Guys, you can't fight in here, this is the war room!"

"Wonder druid powers, activate!!"

"Does that make 'em Rackham Sackham Roguebots?"

*giant goat shrugs intensifies*

"I shed no tears in her direction."

"I drop the ground like it's hot."

[NRSASD]

Customs Agent: Goods from illicit sources tend not to have a bill of sale.
Player: These goods aren't illicit! We killed the former owners!
Customs Agent: ...huh.

[AdmiralCheez]

GM: "Okay, that spell takes him from Pompeii disaster victim to museum Rennaisance statue."

[Xapi]

The party returns to town to find a kobold, who has been somewhat friendly to them before, in a cage in the middle of the town square. He's been wrongfully incarcerated for a murder the party's half orc fighter, Wardrobe, is actually responsible for.

Wardrobe: Ok, can I break him free?
GM: Hmmm, there's a couple ways you could try to, but this is the town square at noon, si there's a lot of people around.
Wardrobe: That won't work
Party's monk: Why do you want to free him?
Wardrobe: So I can kill him without anyone watching, duh!

The party decides to pin the murder on the cultists that attacked them shortly after the murder, and convince the Town Sheriff to let the kobold go with just a 50gp fine.

Wardrobe: OK, I think we should chip in 10gp each to let the kobold go back with his money.

Party's Monk: But you just wanted to kill him!

Wardrobe: Yeah, but I don't want him to walk out with a grudge. Either he is dead, or he is friendly.

[DeTess]

Druid: What is your whale doing on top of our town hall?

[BlueHamsterBean]

GM: “You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.”
Players: “Nope, nope, nope!”

Player: “Well, I guess all those years as a lab animal technician finally came back to bite me... literally.”

Player: “Is our captive regenerating?”
Me(GM): “Yes, why?”
Player: “I pull out my hatchet-“
Me(GM): “The captive gets a worried look on their face and stops regenerating...”

[Lord Torath]

GM: “You look in the storehouse and see fine particles of pyrite filtering down from the rafters.”
Players: “Nope, nope, nope!”

What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

[BlueHamsterBean]

What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

Suffice it to say that we have an imaginative GM

He got us paranoid that some demonic presence was being transmitted via pyrite particles... that some cult was hoarding. Turned out that the pyrite was just an ingredient for making a substance that was, in fact, highly suspect.

I should add these quotes came from different campaigns: the GM with the pyrite runs the weekly roll20 Stars Without Number game I play in; the game I GMed here was a 5e oneshot.

[Necroticplague]

What's wrong with pyrite? I mean, it's not particularly valuable, but it's not, that I'm aware of, inherently dangerous or reactive...

Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. It’s something that can make a coal mine blow up.

[BlueHamsterBean]

Like flour, can explode as a powder in the air. It’s something that can make a coal mine blow up.

Huh, I can honestly say I had no idea; thanks for sharing this! Always happy to learn new chemistry trivia.

It makes sense in retrospect: so long as it oxidizes somewhat easily, a fine particulate is probably gonna be an explosion hazard.

[NRSASD]

[1:32 PM] A: welp
[1:32 PM] A: I gave an elephant vampirism
[1:32 PM] Q: What the **** man

[Lord Lemming]

"It's like a Russian nesting doll of boom."