Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[BlueHamsterBean]

Player: “When did you decide to include Angry Birds in your campaign?”
Me(GM): “A few minutes after you entered that portal to the Abyss...”

Player: “I think Shadow Penny’s five cents is more like six cents really.”
Party: Groans

[DeTess]

DM: So I've gotten from you guys two acts of sabotage, one of espionage and one of large-scale terrorism...
Player: ... maybe I should tone mine down a bit.

[Guizonde]

dm: ok, new game. present the players.
me: ok, my name is rabbi jacob, and this is my automatic combat goat, mechoui.
suricate: oh, and here i thought i was the only goofy character.
michel*: my character can't remember his name. i'm the medic.

Spoiler

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despite using a different name every time we call him, the medic will be now called michel for simplicity

dm: ok, so what does the rabbi and...
suricate: *large burp*
dm: ok, so the goat is digesting the scenery...
rabbi: i'll make sure she saves room for the plot.

michel: ok, i'm gonna heal you *grabs a lighning rod and a tesla coil*

suricate: i may have gotten my ass kicked doing it, but i stole the goat's lunch.
dm: y tho.

[DigoDragon]

"I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."

[BlueHamsterBean]

"I crush his head with my giant hand to knock him out."

Sounds like someone was trying a nonlethal KO with Bigby's favorite toy.

Me(GM): "You are barely able to notice the mist drifting into a hut with copious amounts of smoke exiting it. The hut has a sign with 'Frodo Moneybaggins' written on it."
Player OOC: Chuckles "You actually put that in?"

[Deathhappens]

Player: "Wait! I'm not unconscious, I just remembered the 10 temp hit points from the bard song!"
DM: "You hit your head on a rock, take 2d6 fall damage".

[Man on Fire]

Scout: I need to know if all this time I wasn't working for people who killed may boyfriend
Farmgirl: Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Scout: Well, obviously not anymore!

"The chicken of chaos is a goose."

[BlueHamsterBean]

“Roll for yak down.”

(Surprisingly, the topic of conversation wasn’t Vicious Mockery.)

[Rater202]

"Of course, This is Normal has an upper limit to how much it can make people rationalize away. Going outside in just your underwear? Yeah, you could get away with that. Running around naked and beating people upside the head with a rubber chicken? Little too much for most people to ignore. But, with something minor as long as you act confidently, no one will suspect a thing."

[BlueHamsterBean]

“Would you mind if we came aboard and sampled your finest protein?”

“But of course, though I assure you it is as bland as that on your vessel.”

[Personification]

"It's like three Pizza Rats with the added issue of alimony!"

"NO! Those are blood pickles!"

[braveheart]

You are a dog, literally. I mean literally literally.

[DigoDragon]

Oze: "So what's your name?"
Bubbles: "It's... Bubbles. Agent bubbles."
Icebreaker: "Your knuckles spell Cobra."
Nebula: "Is that your real name?"
Bubbles: "We're getting off the subject."

Lethe: "What constitutes 5th degree murder? Vehicle arson is at least reasonable."
Icebreaker: "Clearly we know which is the worst crime here."
Nivix: "The aggravated jaywalking?"
Icebreaker: "Exactly! He's a pegasus! Why is he walking ANYWHERE?!"

Icebreaker: "Hey Nebula! I need you to heat something for me!"
Nebula: "Only if you want it exploded!"
Icebreaker: "Well, I mean over the fire, not in it. You know, like a marshmallow on a stick."
Nebula: "Oh wow that's demeaning."

Icebreaker: "Fine I'll take it home. Maybe I can find an industrial-sized bag of rice or something."

Smirkfluff: "I'm gonna be so mad if we just destroyed some bird-watcher's drone."
GM: "Who equips electrical guns for bird-watching?"
Icebreaker: "This is Shadowrun!"
Nebula: "You've clearly never seen geese."

GM: "The cromomiter... cromotimer... cro..."
Icebreaker: "Chronometer."
GM: "The time clock thing..."

Nebula: "What's this about vehicle skills? I just ride on Smirk's back all the time."
Nivix: "You don't need the piloting skill for that."
Nebula: "Nope. It's animal handling."
Entire Party: "Ooooohhhhh!!"
Smirkfluff: "Not even gonna go there. I'm gonna be the adult in this conversation."

Smirkfluff: "You don't need ranks in perception to use it, right?"
Icebreaker: "Yeah, you don't need training to open your eyes."

Nebula: "The most important thing is that this teal bathroom is burned."
Icebreaker: "No court will convict me!"

Lethe: "I want a moment of silence for the toilet that put up with a lot of crap from us."

[dunfluff]

Alum: I cast daylight on the darkness
Horell: Now its no longer deeper darkness
Scar: Now its shallow darkness
Horell: Or damp darkness

Lonji: Why would you attack me? i´m adorable.

Horell: Suddenly 3 glowing balls of light appear saying "HEY! LISTEN!"
Lonji: I never do!

Lonji: That makes no sense, but neither do I.

Lonji: Why are you an ooze person?
Horell: I´M NOT AN OOZE
SCAR: your either an ooze or a liar, and we don´t tolerate either of those.

Lonji: is it a super rapier of ghost slaying?
Horell: Don´t you have a rapier of racism.
Sasani: +1 rapier of indiscriminate bigotry

Lonji: Its like a mood-ring, if hes holding the ax, everything is ok. if hes not holding the ax... NOPE!

Alum: That´s the thing their not dead, they are undead.
Lonji: and we killed them so now they are redead.

Alum: Yes. That´s my crafting enchantment secret. Duct tape.

Lonji: I hold up my hand because despite all the screaming and explosions... now we have too be sneaky.

GM: What languages do you know?
horell: Not yeti
Lonji: Not yeti... yet.

Horell: oh right. your both slowly turning into undead abominations.
Lonji: NO WE'RE NOT! I HAVE THE STICK!

Lonji: Alum! Why did you make the scary thing back lit?!

Scar: (singing) when somethings evil in your way, always color spray.

Horell: Wait. Alum cant you turn into a rock?
Alum: Oh right. i forgot i could do that. I´m a rock now.

GM: You see something moving in the corpse
Lonji: ew, tapeworm

Alum: I´m a stone now. a shameful stone.

Scar: Scar almost swipes at you as you approach
Sasani: Do you swipe right or swipe left
Scar: You´ll never know. scar does not have a tinder account.

Lonji: Please remind me that she is a ghost.
GM: She is a ghost because you killed her.
Scar: Why did we have to kill her? couldnt we just spoon feed her protein pudding until she gave upp?
Alum: Well... that is A solution...
Lonji: didnt we get a special ghost killing sword?
Group: ... oh...

GM: For a second Lonji, you suddenly figured out this flying thing, then you collide with the backside of a horse.

Alum: That´s my turn, lasers and healing. Like god intended.

Alum: Yes we used to have imaginary friends. now we have imaginary enemies

Lonji: i dont trust this tall grass. There´s a reason it´s called bamboozeled.

[Necroticplague]

“As one of your hallucinations, I think you asking ‘what if the voices in my head are wrong?’ is the wrong question. If we’re truly just figments of your damaged psyche, being as wrong as you are is to be expected. The prospect that we appear to give you novel information is actually a deeper cause for concern.”

[BlueHamsterBean]

"I can't shake the feeling that this whole campaign is going to end up one long and drawn out 'The Aristocrats' joke."

[Reathin]

"Paddy's got the ass of a 12 year old!" ~Paddy
"What, in a jar?" ~Mike

"A bear walks up and she levitates and he's like 'aight'"

"You notice there's cats where cats there weren't before"

"You're sewing? What a loos..." -rolls dice - "****."

"What's my intelligence? Not 18. I'm pretty!"

"Paddy's a traveling artist, and this is his easel!"
"And the quiver the size of a child?"
"Those are his paint brushes! Let me paint ya' a picture!"

"Rukmar does reps with immovable rods"

"I need more ammo for my sword!"

"Finish your piss!"

"Then I ended up stalking a village"

"That couch is a little frisky"

"That's it! You're name's Tumblr!"
"No!"
"Well, you better tell me right now, or I'm writting you in as Tumblr"
"I don't have a name!"
"Do you have the ability to tumble?"
"....yes..."

"Happy kobold Hannukah"

"Gaelic senile muttering"

"Dwarves are being threatened by a serial barber"

"That's another one for the prostitute sniper"

"Yes. I am performing the coitus"

"The wind is blowing and your nips are frosty but DAMN you look good."

"If you find bits, that was him. That's how Paddy plays hide and seek."

"The bird can have the paste."

"You gotta shoot it in the thigh, like that dinosaur."

Druid: Did you know there was a tears to wine spell?
Seige Engineer: Finally, orphanages have a use

"It's only okay when I do it"

"I got you, bo. You might get mauled a little bit, but I got you."

"It's like a dragon that breaths adventurers"

"We'll communicate through sniper riffle Morse code"

"It's a choice between lightning or syphilis"

"It's head-licking good!"

"Check his pockets for loose confessions."

"It was like a spiritual mosh pit"

"Sup. Noticed you're green."

[Lord Raziere]

"Let us think then: who deserves to die and/or be tortured forever by smartass godling turning them into sweets then eating them?"

[username1]

"Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Murder Knife Joe?"

[BlueHamsterBean]

"What, all that quantumness and you couldn't come up with a good nickname?"

[Wizard_Lizard]

"No you can not seduce the mind flayer! Why are you trying to seduce the mind flayer?! Their biology is- actually no nevermind, what the hell, roll for it."

[LordCdrMilitant]

Keeper of Secrets: Spit her out! Only I get to eat my friends!

[dunfluff]

Sasani: most of what I know is punching.
GM: Romance is a kind of punching.
Alum: well he is hitting on you.
Sasani: And I do have ranks in ride.

GM: As you light the sky on fire with explosions, everyone is having a blast.

Horell: Oh, I thought that the tree was falling either on him or Sasani.
Alum: Not the type of wood you were expecting.

Lonji: So, were supposed to pretend to be normal? because that’s what were good at?

Alum: I think I realized why my charisma is so low.
Lonji: Because you’re an “#%&?

Alum: Is this part of the party? I don’t want to offend somebody.

Sasani: We'll burn that bridge when we get to it

Horell: We didn’t expect sneaky ninjas!
Lonji: they’re sneaky and silent, and unbelievably violent.

Sasani: you’re not a swashbuckler, you’re a squashbuckler.

Lonji: Why did you have a oni in your pocket?!

Horell: Suddenly cows.

Gm: how trampled are they?
Alum: in round terms... all of it.

Table: Hello I’m a table!
Alum: the novelty of getting killed by alum is that it will be interesting.

Horell: Wow.
Alum: don’t admire the enemy.
Horell: his explosions are larger than mine.
Alum: it’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it.

Horell: What! your telling me that the table doesn’t have combat expertise?
Alum: The table was literally born 5 sec ago. it hasn’t had time to learn any feats.
Scar: but doesn’t it have 4 feet?
Alum: Yes, it has not been defeated yet.

Alum: the table doesn’t really have a sense of preservation. it’s a table.

Horell: so, a horse, a rhino and a table walk into a bar?
Alum: yes. I don’t think ninjas are trained to handle this type of situation.

GM: You’re not very hidden of you.
Horell: yea. the city did give us a large parade.

Alum: that’s kind of expensive for cannon fodder.
Lonji: that makes me happy that they think they need a cannon to kill us?

Scar: I’m not educated. i refuse to be called educated.

Scar: you are the worst guard ever.
Lonji: yes, and I have the skills to prove it.

GM: it seems to be trying to lift you by your insides
Alum: But I like my insides, they are what fills out the outside.
Scar: They are what keeps you all nice and puffy

Horell: You created hentai the monster
GM: I was trying to make a scary drowning monster
Scar: you tried to cram tentacles down our throats
GM: Do you really want me to make this into that kind of adventure? because then we would all be uncomfortable all the time.

Lonji: which tentacle is currently... battling alum?
GM: well they all are battling him, but the top tentacle is the one that is currently... intrusive...

Alum: for being an airborne rock that’s not bad.
Scar: you should do like a stone and just roll with it.

Alum: So what’s the plan?
Lonji: We just start walking in a random direction until something rich attacks us.

[Darth Credence]

Paladin, in note: Bard, come join us, this dungeon is more extensive than we thought!
Bard, reply note: I have an appointment in the morning, so I'm going to stay here.
Bard, to DM: Can I find a nice cafe where I can sit on the patio and watch people while having a sandwich?

[Wizard_Lizard]

"I am MAXIMUM EDGE!!!!" -The party rogue.

[ZeroGear]

Rogur (R), Gnollkin Fighter: "You smell like a tree. What exactly are you?"
Everent (E), Sapling Bard: "I am Everent Fleur Parsilli Almondo Watercia Basillia du' Bouleau Gris, singer of the forest, musician of the green, prod descendant of the tree folk who have shepherded nature since ages past. I carry the songs of the earth, the whispers of leaves, and the long tales of roots wherever the winds of change may take me."
R: "Ah. So you're saying your Bark is worse than your Bite?"
E: "Watch it mutt."

Orero (O), Fetherfolk Sorcerer: "The buff hound is barking at the bishi tree. Should we stop them?"
Xernia (X), Silkweaver Cleric: "Let's wait until the clothes start flying."

Alexander (A), Human Iron Chef: "An angry dog, a depressed spider, a sexy tree, a magical birdbrain, and a monkey cook. What a team we make!"
Rest of party: "HEY!"

[AdmiralCheez]

"And what is your specialty?"
"Prime Rib."
"So... it's not even?"
"No, it means it's indivisible."
"With liberty, and Au Jus for all."

[Wizard_Lizard]

Player: “I should probably rest, let’s camp here for a bit.”
Character goes to sleep
Other player: “we aren’t going to sleep, I look up the chimney.”
Combat ensues

[Joe the Rat]

"He's my emotional support Pteranodon."

[ZeroGear]

A: “Dinner time everyone! Tonight’s stew is Woodland Surprise!”
O: “What’s the surprise?”
X (speaks in monotone): “What happened to the owlbear we killed?”

R: “Gotta day, didn’t expect it to taste this good!”
X: “Could you pass me the eyes? They have this nice squishy texture when you pop them in your cheek.”
R: “...I think I’m done eating.”

O: “There seems to be a cave up ahead. Maybe it’s the lair we’re looking for?”
E: “Sight it again my avian friend! I shall use my mastery of sound to bolster your senses!”
O: “But I can’t hear with my eyes!”