Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Gallade]

""Get a fully paid study trip to Numeria, Ansem", they said. "It will be fun, it will be educational."
They said NOTHING about deflating deadly abscesses inside an alien leviathan's colon!"

[VelociRapture12]

*So wait did I... Did I just accidently my soul a sword?

Same Session Same Character just much later

**Wait, how can I owe money if I don't officially exist?

[somethingrandom]

Truancy is punished by navel combat?

[Casimir-Ivanova]

*vigilantes bursting into an illegal porn shoot*
Bionic Commando: *levelling his assault rifle* Hey guys, sorry, there's been a change of scheduling, we're shooting an action movie today.
*Wins his presence attack*

Bionic Commando: *On his cousin's luck* Some people have the luck of the Irish. The luck of the Irish wishes it was her.

Panacea: I check to see if (NPC) is dead before I attempt to empathic heal him.
DM: That's a good idea, you probably don't want to try finding out whether taking half a death is healthy. At least on an NPC.

Panacea: A forgettable man gave me a non-existent letter to give to an invisible woman. Is Milliways open at this time of night?

NPC: I challenge (lucky Irish PC) to a drinking contest.
Frag: I accept.
Panacea: I'll get the stomach pump fired up.

*using hit location chart*
Frag- Where's 13?
Me- *without looking* Groin.
Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.

[Guizonde]

*using hit location chart*
Frag- Where's 13?
Me- *without looking* Groin.
Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.

the real critical hit. also,

kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
dm: i blame poor rolls.

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "She cheated, she has floatation devices."
Mirror: "They're huge tracts of land, hon. Get it right."

Charity: "It's useful both for dinner and murder."

Doc: "I think George Washington is making moves on the cleric."
GM: "George had his horse shot out from under him 6 times. He was buddy up with a healer somewhere."

[gmoyes]

Player 1: (missing mother backstory and just had most of the rest of his family killed by demons) That's my goal right now. I'm gonna find my mother and I'm gonna kill em'!
GM: You're going to kill your mother?
Player 1: Wait, no!
Player 2: Man, losing your father has driven you to matricide?
Player 3: You've got your little sister figure on your back, if you want to finish off your family you might as well start young.
Player 1: *dies laughing*
Player 3: Periods are important people.

[Durandu Ran]

My party ended up taking a ferry up a river in our latest session and we ran into a river ogre or similar creature that attacked it. The wizard cast a spell that created grappling tentacles in a 20-foot radius around the ogre, and rolled 20 on the combat maneuver check, which grappled the ogre successfully, but also made it difficult to get within 20 foot of the ogre for the next seven rounds. As a paladin who typically is a frontline melee fighter, I spent the next three rounds casting all my prepared spells, and waiting for an opening. When one didn’t show up by round four, I used my only ranged attack option: I threw a chakram.

Me: [rolls a 4] I throw a frisbee into the river. End of turn.

[sofianeo]

Its my great pleasure to visit your blog and to enjoy your great posts here. I like it a lot. I can feel that you paid much attention for those articles, as all of them make sense and are very useful.

[Imbalance]

*makes WIS save*
"That is NOT Liberace!"

[malachi]

Truancy is punished by navel combat?

*imagines two people putting putting tiny daggers into belly buttons and fencing with them*



Nacris: "You're selling your body to my sister?"
Vocala: "I really want that magic item."
Vorn: "What do you expect? She slept with a rat!"


Vocala: "I take Nacris' sister and head to the kitchens."
Nacris: "No sausages!"


NPC: *casts disintegrate*
Vorn: *turns to dust*
...
Vorn's player: "My next character: Rhaul Dustborn!"


Nacris: "We found some disturbing things in my brother's room."
Lia, Nacris' sister (NPC): *casually looks up from book* "Do you mean the headless corpse or the magical portal?" *goes back to reading*

[Lord Torath]

Player 3: Periods are important people.

Commas are important, too!

[Avista]

Me: *Reading handbook* Hey. What counts as a 'tiny' creature?
DM: Anything that ranges from an insect to a household cat.
Me: ...So. I can make my spider familiar the size of a cat.
DM: *long pause* Yes.

[Gallade]

"You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."

[Guizonde]

"You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."

sig worthy quote, right there! i can't one up you, but here's some of mine.

kami: i'm bored.
josé: i can think of something.
dm: how about you two don't destroy my plot? it's korinn's turn.
josé: i'm out of ideas.

grimm: so, does it count as assault or as a high-speed appetizer?
korinn: assault. definitely assault. at least until i make him a potato gun.

kami: kowabunga! *nat 1*
kami: kowabung-OW!

korinn: see? this is why i only reroll your fails in emergencies. running butt-naked into hell is not the dices' fault, you lemming!

grimm: *throws josé's big ol' bag of potatoes* how is it still so heavy after all it's been through?!
dm: neither josé or i keep track of its ammo.
grimm: ammo?!

josé: does that mean i created an enchanted object? without feats?
korinn: i'm very, very, very jealous.

grimm: josé solved world hunger through shenanigans. i don't know if i hate him or love him.
josé: don't worry, grimm. i'm still chaotic neutral.
grimm: don't remind me.

free: *exists*
korinn: he's so totally the virgin sacrifice we'll eventually need.

ooc on when we'll play again:

dm: my rest day is wednesday.
josé: is it really a rest day if there's a session with us?
dm:... point.

[malachi]

Vorn's player, OOC: "I've been poofed by an ass!"

[Casimir-Ivanova]

the real critical hit. also,

kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
dm: i blame poor rolls.

To put the spuds in perspective, if you get a head shot (3,4,5 on 3 dice) you do 2x body and 5x stun on what you roll. Groin is 1.5x and 4x. It is the only location apart from the head that says "hi, direct hit, have more body." and a 13 on 3 dice is considerably more achievable.

To the point my vigilante doctor has hit there 3 times out of 7 with rubber rounds.

Also, continuing the theme, back when I was a kid, I played D and D as a halfling with throwing spears, and took on a bunch of gnoll swordsmen and archers. I performed a combat roll under one of the swordsmen, and after succeeding, this took place.
DM: Roll a D20.
Me: Again?
DM: Yep.
Me:*rolls* Uhhh, 16.
DM: *hands me a d8* Roll this.
ME: *rolls* 4.
DM: Well, the THROWING SPEARS STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK don't kill the gnoll, but he certainly doesn't enjoy it.

[Phhase]

Proud to receive and share my first worthy quote:

(Battered goblin sentry crests cliff for the third time, ablaze with lime-white radiance)
Barbarian: Is this goblin the Terminator!?

[TheYell]

SUMMONER: I attack it for 19 damage.
BARD: Did you two-hand it?
SUMMONER: It's a giant floating hand of force.
SORCERER: You could do a Vulcan two-fisted hammer blow.
SUMMONER: hmmm

SAMURAI (ooc): You're a gnome, if you reduce yourself to Tiny you can carry yourself around with Mage Hand.
DM: Unless the DM isn't a nitwit.

SAMURAI: I wanna learn Goblin! That'll be my other language!
DM: You don't learn a language in battle!
BARD: Yeah when you alter your character sheet, you don't tell the DM.
RANGER: Yeah you just remember you always spoke Goblin.
DM: Hey! Don't teach him that stuff!

DM: So you don't want to try to swim across?
SORCERER: I have 8 STR, no points in Swim and 0 in Acrobatics. I'd just drown with the others.
DM: OK so you stand and watch them drown.
SORCERER: Um, Dancing Lights, 120 feet up, vaguely humanoid figure writhing as if drowning

SORCERER: Sorry guys, that river looked too yucky to swim in
WIZARD: It happens, I guess

WIZARD: We'll run to catch up.
DM: Run? Gimme a Fort save
SORCERER: Nat 20, plus 1
DM: You effortlessly jog for a half an hour.
WIZARD: 16.
DM: You run without penalty.
SORCERER: I call cadence!

[Recherché]

"Forgive me Desna for I have sinned and nearly led an entire village into a cannabalistic orgy"
"First of all Desna doesn't do confessions. Second, you did what?!"

"10/10 Would snuggle the undead again."

Barbarian: "I roll to bite the door."
GM: -meaningful silence-
Paladin: "We're not that good at door as a group."
Cleric: "Can we kill the door with holy fire."
GM: "Did you guys forget that you have a key."
All: "Yes", We have a key?" 'Can we bash open the lock instead." "Who has a key?"

[Necroticplague]

"Well, of all our prospective medics, she's the one who lost her license for reasons that least have to do with being a bad doctor."

"AG: That's what I'm trying to figure out! I was punching rocks to establish chronology, when suddenly the cave, a river, and the fire appeared. And then the lass walked out, apparently having had their bacon saved by whatever I did.
AG: So, I was mostly checking to see if that status was from things you did, or from things you were going to have to have done."

"Your porquise, your decisions. I'm just the achronal semigoddess tagging along for the ride."

[Guizonde]

free: wait, hold up. there's a plot?!

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "You might as well try Keto. You got nothing to gain."

Mirror: "It's spin the bottle. With beastiality."
Doc: "But they're all rats."
Mirror: "Their occupation is not important."

Rat warrior: "Rawr!"
Mirror: *crits twice on a double strike*
Rat warrior: "... squeak."

[Imbalance]

"Ready for this? I've been practicing..."

[TheYell]

SAMURAI: If you had a saber, and cast light on it...
SORCERER: Getting Instant Weapon and Quickened Spell later and totally going for it.
SAMURAI: Need Prestidigitation to alter the color.
DM: ...


SORCERER: "A helpless character is paralyzed, HELD, bound, sleeping, unconscious or otherwise completely at an opponent's mercy". She's held by a bear and a gnome.
DM: She's not totally without action though.
SORCERER: It says "held".
DM: Yeah but coup de grace is death not beaten unconscious.
SUMMONER: Can't get more held than grappled by a hunter, bear and a gnome.
BARD: Dogpile on the goblin!

*FORTY MINUTES LATER*
BARD: I cast channel energy and heal everything within 30 feet.
DM: I need you to pick who you heal, there's got to be a limit on how many you can do.
BARD: No limit, it's just everybody in range.
SUMMONER: That's true.
DM: Really? Your prisoner starts thrashing and cursing again.
WHOLE TABLE: NOOO


SUMMONER: Excess nonlethal damage translates as lethal.
DM: Really? OK you notice the goblin is totally limp...
WHOLE TABLE: NOOOO


SAMURAI: Look here, you try to pocket all the gold and then demand a percentage of a reward for a fight you weren't even involved in?
MONK: I got the gold, so screw it, I'll keep it if you won't divvy!
SUMMONER: Sounds like an alignment issue.
SORCERER: He's being systematic about it though, so, I say it's not chaotic robbery.
DM: Hmm organized robbery is lawful...


DM: You find a masterwork longbow and twenty arrows.
RANGER: Mine!
DM: You also find a masterwork dogslicer and a studded leather armor. On the goblins you find 36 gold, six shortswords, some broken gems, six leather armors and six shortbows.
SORCERER: Anybody writing this down?
DM: Nobody is writing anything apparently. You also found...
SORCERER: Wait wait wait!
DM: Sorry, nope. You also found...

[HalfTangible]

Did a fun bit of role-playing at Comicpalooza.

Lita: "While Reta [my twin sister] was being cooked alive, I traded my shiny mirror for a bomb."

Lita: "While we're talking to the cheiftain, I get out a rat and start digging my thumb into its head."
DM: "Oh no, not the rat." She pulls out a bigger rat.
Lita: "... I pull out a squirrel!"
DM: She pulls out a honey badger!
Lita: "... urgh, I know I have a puppy in here somewhere..."

Foo: "I cast firebolt on the house."
Lita: "... why didn't you say you could do that before I used one of my fire arrows?!"

Lita: "THAT KILL COUNTS AS MINE!"

>Lita does down in combat
Reta: "Ha! Reta always knew she was better than you!"
Lita: "... Yeah. So do Lita."
Reta OOC: "oh my god that's so tragic"

Lita: I take a swig of my human perfume.

[DigoDragon]

*busts into the room*
Charity: "Heeeeere's Johnny!"
Mirror: "Who's Johnny?"
Doc: "She says, and smiles in that special way..."

[DeTess]

Fabien Tealeaf, the party cook and generally nice and friendly halfling: DEUS VULT, MOTHER****** *pulls crossbow trigger*

[TheYell]

DM: Is the asp a familiar or animal companion?
SORCERER: No, just a pet.
DM: Ooooh OK the snake goblin is persuading it to switch allegiance. It rolls a 19! "Sssss ssseee how they hatesss usss sssnake folk"
SORCERER: That was an order! Attacking the goblins was an order! Befehl ist befehl!

[Guizonde]

militia van nuked (formerly darole): ah reckon th' new medic is gunna fit right in to this here group.
lucii: why? because he loves money?
belsunce: because he tanked my slap and gave me a good one in return?
militia: nope, he's o-bese. plenny good hidin' behind that lard.
zbeb: militia's comment unnerved and aroused zbeb at the same time.

malax mendez: don't worry, i've got a briefcase.

louka: today, on "pimp my makita"...
lucii: do mine too!
malax: and add glitter to mine!
louka: ... we've got a crowd!

louka: i stoically s*** my briefs.

dm: ok, so croustor hits the rat-ogre for 12, 16, and 18 wounds with his axe.
louka: bull****! he just fragged a fresh one no sweat!
belsunce: yeah, nobody crits like croustor.
militia: also, don't shake his hand.

zbeb: zbeb aimed carefully his throwing knife, and summoning the spirit of his ancestors, threw with all his might to...
*rolls*
... fail miserably.

malax: *dry heaving* don't eat the bacon. it smells like the dm's socks.

militia: ok, i'm addin' "arson" to the charges we can legit' get out of by bein' badass.

lucii: i'm gonna shoot him with my shotgun!
*fails*
lucii: screw that, i'm hitting him with my wallet next turn!

belsunce: i clothesline the bookmaker.
lucii: don't kill him!
belsunce: uh, i think he'll live. you don't need both lungs to live, right?