Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[DigoDragon]

Heh, not walking with the sass. Such hardship. XD


Dirk: "Drex, is that you?!"
Sparks: "It's Sparks now. Drex was my slave name."
Dirk: "Wow, I haven't seen you since we were hatchlings back in the nest! How have you been?"
Sparks: "Oh, you know, surviving. Trying not to get stabbed by you."
Dirk: "I know, crazy times, right? Just like the old days."
Sparks: "So are you here because I still owe you money or is this business?"
Dirk: "Purely business. The clan needs to murder you and your adventuring party."
Sparks: "Ah... I guess that means drinks after work are out of the question?"
Dirk: "Sadly, I got a five o'clock raid party to attend. New caravan coming in from the north road. You know how it is."
Party warlock: "I'm sorry, but did this TPK get interrupted by a kobold reunion?"

[GravityEmblem]

"The giant is also wearing an "Orcs Are Stupid" T-shirt"

[Telok]

"No. I refuse. I have some morals. We've started wars, nuked and burned cities, released daemon lords, started a shadow apocalypse, sold bio-weapons of mass destruction to illithid, put holes in reality, given the Cocaine Wizard Guild a literal moon of warp stone, woken two threats to all life in the universe, and generally murdered and thieved our way across half the galaxy while avoiding all responsibility. But I have morals. I will not participate in saving a civilization that accidentally turned it's children into psychopathic super-soldiers."

"Next we capture a bunch of them and sell them to the highest bidder. But maybe don't take bids from the mind flayers this time, they got the last superweapon. The vampire council might pay more."

"Please tell me that's not a vampire mind flayer."

[HalfTangible]

GM: "She is the head of House Calida. Ambitious, industrious..."
P1: "... single?"
GM: "She is successfully married with several kids."
P1: "Any single daughters?"
GM: "Her kids are married, too. We're talking more GILF than MILF."
P2: "Still has ILF, though."

-

GM: "The entire room is splattered with blood and ransacked. [P2's aunt]'s corpse is lying right by the bed."
P3: "Whoah. What happened here?"

-

NPC admiral: “Her too? Well. This whole assassination thing seems contagious, hahaha”
P1 (deadpan): “Very funny ma’am.”
NPC: “Don’t walk into any dark bedrooms.”
P1: "He actually snickers at that, because he thinks it's a sex joke."

-

NPCMonk: "Some of my students got into a doctrinal dispute with the Temple of Sacred Blood. They were heavily outnumbered, but held well; it was ultimately inconclusive."
GM: "P2, you know this is code for a martial arts brawl."
P2: "Like a New York gang war."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We are all rested and rotisserie'd."

GM: "Do you have the 500gp for the alchemy lab?"
Sparks: "I have a portable bunsen and a single beaker."
Peanut Gallery: "Mi mi mii!"

Voto: "Is that all you saw in your vision?"
Lily: "That's all that was written on the index card the GM gave me."

Beau: "First, I walk up a tree."
Voto: "You see anything from up there?"
*d20 rolls a 1*
Beau: "Yeah, foliage."

GM: "It's a forest... and it has a name. It's called... Gump."

Sparks: "I will bravely climb up this tree and cower like a boss!"

GM: "Fletching grows out of its butt."
Lily: "There's no ointment for that."

Corellon: "I was only able to save the good part of your Half-elf."

Hunter: "We're taking the hides. We're not asking."
Sparks: "Fine. Just leave us the exp."

Voto: "This is Tab? I've tasted road tar better than this!"

GM: "The shoulder bag strap isn't adjustable, so the bag drags on the floor."
Sparks: "Damn... I guess one of you tall folk could carry this bag?"
Voto: *ties a knot in the strap to shorten its length*
Sparks: "INT 17 and I couldn't think of that?"

Sparks: "Laughing Out Loud Through... what's the H stand for?"
Voto: "That's not an acronym. That's Lolth."
Sparks: "Who is Lolth?"
Voto: "You seen a spider right? Imagine one the size of your mom with the anger to eat everyone out of sheer spite."
Sparks: "So... I should lose the book."
Voto: "Burn the book."

Lily: "Who here has rope? I got 50 feet."
Voto: "I got 50 feet of rope."
Sparks: "I got... 50 feet of sarcasm."

Lily: "Not as clumsy or uncivilized as a crossbow."

Trace: "What are you?"
Sparks: "I'm a wizard."
Trace: "Hedge?"
Sparks: "No, just a kobold."

[HalfTangible]

"You successfully negotiate the sales with the farm MILFs."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "You all have become pretty famous, so your adventuring party now has groupies"

Spoiler: Party Responds

Show

- Bard: "Heck yeah!"
--Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!"
---Sorc/Lock: "Hmm, not sure how I'm going to handle that"
----Bladelock: "That's the last thing I need; I'll go bury my nose in a book"

[braveheart]

If you multiply elegance by age, you are so far behind her.

[GravityEmblem]

"First, I need you to tell them I'm not selling myself into slavery, that was a misunderstanding."

[KorvinStarmast]

Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
"All I want is peace"

Spoiler: possible reason for this statement

Show

all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spell

Spoiler: what the party suspects it was

Show

plane shift:

Spoiler: with 3 understandable reactions being ...

Show

The next sound heard in that cavern was the eyes of the bard, paladin, and warlock rolling so hard it caused echoes. Apparently, the sorcerer bought it.

[Calthropstu]

Ancient black dragon, addressing the party,
"All I want is peace"

Spoiler: possible reason for this statement

Show

all of whom had just made a DC 20 save against his 7th level spell

Spoiler: what the party suspects it was

Show

plane shift:

Spoiler: with 3 understandable reactions being ...

Show

The next sound heard in that cavern was the eyes of the bard, paladin, and warlock rolling so hard it caused echoes. Apparently, the sorcerer bought it.

Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)

[KorvinStarmast]

Hey, planeshift in and of itself is not overly hostile. It is a very strong "Go away." Now if the tuning fork he used was attuned to the negative energy plane or the abyss, then definitely. (A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)

Spoiler: The hostility of plane shift

Show

Given that we all saved, we have no idea where he intended to send us. But a plane shift of a creature against their will? And they have to find their own way back to their regular plane? Yes, that's hostile.

Spoiler: Our GM is attuned to the requirements - but see dragons as innate casters

Show

(A lot of gms forget that unless it's a spell-like ability it needs a tuning fork attuned to a specific plane)

- I am pretty sure an innate caster doesn't have that problem in D&D 5e

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler: Party Responds

Show

-Paladin(Halfling): "They'll all be taller than me!"

Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;)

[KorvinStarmast]

Hey, don't judge them until you see 'em first. Could be some cute tall ones. ;)

The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here.

[DigoDragon]

The number of witty responses to that as regards the interface of halfling height and cute tall ones will remain uncounted, and un - recounted, here.

Just as planned. XD

Anyway, some new quotes--


Lily: "We're the Volt Orb of self-help."

Sparks: "This reminds me of a book I once read the first six pages of, before my clan burned it to cook dinner."
Beau: "What are you doing smoking a camel?"

Sparks: "I'm pretty sure trap doors don't grow naturally in the woods."

Voto: "Strength check of 23. I pull up the halfling and the door he's holding onto."

Beau: "I walk down the shaft."
GM: "I will need a climbing check."
Beau: "Don't have to."
GM: "Why?"
Sparks: "He has Spider Climb."
GM: "Oh right, because you love to thwart all my traps."
Beau: "So as I was saying, I walk down the shaft..."

GM: "A torch is 20 feet. Sunrod is 60. Hooded lantern is... 30."
Voto: "Flame Strike is all of it."
Sparks: "Sure, but only for an instant."

GM: "What watches do we set up?"
Sparks: "A Casio."

Beau: "He's building the booster that the starship sits on. It's effing huge."
GM: "If that fails spectacularly, Texas won't be surviving."
Sparks: "It won't be missed."

Sparks: "That's my secret, Captain. I'm always in danger."

Sparks: "Do I know you? Or owe you money?"

Beau: "They don't expect a halfling to be standing in the upper half."

Voto: "I cut the goblin into two complete strangers."

Lily: "Yeah! I crit the goblin!"
Beau: "That's great kid, don't get cocky!"

Sparks: "Voto? I found a book bound in human skin. Is that a bad thing?"

Voto: "I pry open the desk."
GM: "You break it open, but a dart trap hits you for 1 point of damage."
Voto: "I punch it for three."
Lily: "Are you okay?"
Voto: "Yeah. You gotta be tough to be dumb."

[Eldan]

From a boss fight last week:

"How about instead of summoning Dionysos to become a party venue, you instead become a hotel that fights capitalism?"

[KorvinStarmast]

"I see that I am surrounded. {casts polymorph} I am now a T-Rex. Did I step on anyone?"

[HalfTangible]

Paladin: "Glad that the group didn't have to be joined by a rogue at the next tavern who had a strange obsessive hatred for blue-skinned people specifically named "[P2's character]"."

[Hagashager]

Runer: It's not a virus it's a parasite.
Ratface: so...then it's a living, sentient creature?
Runer: Fiirx the Livereater? Yeah, he's a bad hombre, real evil.
Ratface: My sword can only hurt evil creatures.
Runer: Yep.
Ratface: Alright, hold callus down everyone...I'm gonna make an incision. Callus, this wont a bit, I promise!
Me (GM): OH, THAT'S BULL****!

Ratface: Roight, ye gonna put the alcohol on yer knackers then ye gonna shave yer pubes wit' 'is. *hands a razor blade*
Callus (male PC being played by a Female player.): Wait...I don't know what exactly I'm looking for. Where're the Crabs gonna be?
Ratface:...you...you've never cleaned your groin?
Callus (out-of-character): Obviously yes, but I don't know what Callus's gnards look like!
Ratface (still in-character): You've never cleaned your groin?

[Necroticplague]

GM: And...your munchkinry appears to have reinvented paradoxical undressing.

[Wizard_Lizard]

DM: "You see basically thousands and thousands of corpses stretching out into the ocean."
Me (Locathah Necromancer): "I think I'm in heaven."

[Taevyr]

*Wild magic sorcerer wild-magics a bunch of Flumphs while on a falling airship*

Sorcerer: "Oh, hi Bert"
Me: "...I know I shouldn't be surprised, but you know these things that just popped up out of thin air?
Sorcerer: "Yeah, this is Bert, and that one's Donnie! They pop up randomly every once in a while, fun to have a quick drink with"



DM: "So, once you've exited the wagon and rubbed the flash out of your eyes, you see Rack floating 20 feet up in the air, still glowing, and panically casting magical darts as the (NPC) rangers fire arrows at him"
Me: "...I'm gonna need a moment to process this. I'll pass this round"
Liathiel: "Yeah, this is just a bit much to deal with immediately"
Esme: "Same"
Rack: "GUYS, I'M DYING UP HERE"

[KorvinStarmast]

'No hurry, guys - these three yuan ti are turning your bard {me} into chutney'

[Wizard_Lizard]

Me (necromancer): I polymorph into a whale, I want to eat these fish-piranha things!!
Turns go past, all of the things are now dead.
Me (necromancer): I attack the shipwreck then I guess... (dice rolling).. for 87 damage... danggg.

[DigoDragon]

Sylvie: "That depends if you see the elf as half-full or half-empty."

GM: "When she finishes, the room is so quiet you can hear a pin drop."
Sparks: (looking up from sewing a patch onto his sleeve) "What?"

[PhoenixPhyre]

(lightly paraphrased because I can't remember the exact wording. But it happened several times.)

Inn-keeper: Now remember, we don't want any trouble here. It's a peaceful city.
Party (collectively, in unison): Don't say that. You've doomed us all

-----Later-----

NPC: The venting ritual is completely safe. Nothing to worry about at all.
Party (collectively, in unison): STOP SAYING THAT!

[Calthropstu]

GM: Your body is fully cybernetic.
Player1: I activate my cybernetic penis.
Player2: All 3 inches of it.

[Taevyr]

"Congratulations, you somehow managed to earn 5gp selling mayonnaise at the inn"

[Calthropstu]

GM:
I have perused both 3.5 and pathfinder monster and spell lists. I am 100% certain there is not a wall of boners.

[Necroticplague]

"I'm pretty sure the amnesiacs you gave me aren't working: I remember this speech, and it's just as boring the 4th time. Can I get back to my cell?"