Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[PhoenixPhyre]

Another one from last night's game:

DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.

Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp"
DM: As you do so, several things happen. First, you're covered in a shower of noxious-smelling pus. Don't do the cat thing and lick yourself clean. Second, there's an earthquake. Everyone make a DEX save. Third, the Beast screams.

[KorvinStarmast]

Tabaxi Wizard: As the shaman is distracted, I stab the totem into the zit and say "Grandmothercallsonthespiritsforhelp"

Right before he did that

Spoiler: other character being faced with the same zit

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I was digging into my backpack (mentally) and wondering if alchemist's fire was the equivalent of benzoyl peroxide.

[Xervous]

“Soric wants to find the easiest way to blow the place up and kill everyone in it“

Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme “While you’re a safe distance away right?”

[Ferreon]

"The Noise Marine pot just killed the monk"

[DigoDragon]

The jokes have potential.

Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^

P1: "There was a time in Risa's life where she figured whatever man she got with (assuming she did at all) would be taller than her. Then she hit 6' and kept going [another 7 inches]."

On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!

DM: Something smells wrong here. Like...if "2 + 2 = 12 and at the same time apple pie" had a smell, that's what this would smell like.

I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.

Me as the GM supplying the padme panel from the associated meme “While you’re a safe distance away right?”

Asking the important question here!


Sparks: "Next level I'll be able to summon a wall of ponies."

[Xervous]

Asking the important question here!

I’ll just say the next player answered with the Gru’s Plan template. We’ll see what happens tonight.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Our GM feels they're polarized. ^^

I hope you're not all negative about this. Because that would be repulsive.
Ok, I'll stop now. Here, at least.

I'm more concerned about the pie in that scent equation.

Yeah, you wouldn't want apple pie that smelled like this did. Note--the source of the smell was that aforementioned "zit". Which was the size of a basketball and growing out of the ground.

Oh, and 2 + 2 = cherry pie, not apple pie.

[HalfTangible]

On the plus side, the pool of shorter men has got a wider selection to pick from!

She's in a relationship with a 5'6" Miraluka now.

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "I know that we can see out of Leomund's Tiny Hut, but can I pee out of Leomund's Tiny Hut?"

Spoiler: DM's ruling

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Pee isn't magical, and it was inside the Barb who was inside the hut when the Warlock erected it (ritual) so out it went the pee.

Spoiler: why it was asked

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Creatures and objects within the dome when you cast this spell can move through it freely. All other creatures and objects are barred from passing through it. Spells and other magical effects can’t extend through the dome or be cast through it. The atmosphere inside the space is comfortable and dry, regardless of the weather outside.

[Telok]

"Thats not blood, its manliness."
"Well you lost a lot of it Mr. Eunuch."

[DigoDragon]

Crit: "You, stop!"
Lily: "Hammer time!"
Party: *beatboxes Can't Touch This*

Sparks: "I've never seen a galleon do a boot-legger turn. My stomach has regrets."

Sylvie: "What's your problem with Thor?"
Beau: "Well for starters, your donkey's an ass."

Sparks: "Lily, what size bodice do you wear?"
Lily: "I have no idea. I'm more a shirt-and-chainmail kind of lady."
Beau: "You really should stay abreast of these things."

Sparks: "Uuuugh... the sun is too loud."
Crit: "Lily, you got anything for the kobold's hangover?"
Lily: "No, he should learn from this experience."
Sparks: "And why does the moon have a smell?"

Beau: "That raven, a creature without fingers, just gave me the bird."

GM: "Imagine if a dwarf fell in love with a forest."
Sparks: "Heart of the what now?"

Sylvie: "Is that a naturegasm?"

GM: "You can feel her power flow through you."
Beau: *farts*
GM: "Not like that!"

[Morgaln]

Technomage: I boost myself using the damage I just received.
GM: Alright, that's a +2. Name your boost.
Technomage: I need to name it? I forgot about that. Oh God...
GM: Oh God it is. Here's your reminder flashcard.


Flicker: I pop off Buzz Lightyear's head and press the panic button


Shilo: How badly did the grenades damage that plane?
GM: There's some damage to the undercarriage, but it could still fly fine.
Shilo: I start it and run it into those grenadiers propeller first
GM: Uh,I guess that counts as an attack...
Shilo: You shouldn't have shot my drones.


Flicker: So you're an alien? From another planet?
Ssshiosh: Yes, I am.
Flicker: So how do we know you're not here to try and conquer us?
Ssshiosh: We have no interest in conquering a backwards place like Earth.
GM: Note how he's not exactly denying that his species does conquer other planets...

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: "Why are you trying to pour that rock out of that bottle?"
Warlock: "Might be a dao larva"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "My brain itches."

Sparks: "I tap the nearest party member that's a responsible adult."
Party: *everyone looks at Lily*
Lily: "What?"

Cobbler: "Here, try this."
Sparks: "What is it?"
Cobbler: "Footwear"
Sparks: "It's what?"

Sparks: "My INT is an 18, but I have the WIS of a mustard sandwich."

Drow: "I'm assigned to you. If you go to jail, I have to go to jail."

Guard: "If you go in there, you will have a brief trial followed by a swift execution."
Beau: "The trial is a nice touch."
Sparks: "But why the kangaroos in the jury box?"

Beau: "I cast Detect Magic. Any auras?"
GM: "Like on the bridge of the J.J. Abrams' Enterprise."

Beau: "And Lady of the Wood had a completely different meaning in my mind."
Sparks: "I wasn't thinking that, but thanks for the free ride I guess?"

Lily: "Sweetums is the librarian here."

Sparks: "How are you so young-looking?"
Beau: "Well, I crossed paths with Dick Clark on New Years a few decades back and..."

Court Wizard: "You're hear to see the Oracle?"
Beau: "That or a DB2."

Lily: "How do you spell that?"
GM: "K, E, O... phlegm"

[KorvinStarmast]

NPC Cultist: "Which ritual did your parents do?"
Tiefling PC: "The bedroom one"

[Telok]

Dm: Well that was weird.
Player: That we talked to someone instead of mindlessly slaughtering everything that moved?
Dm: Yeah. Surreal even.


"Lets drop a giant goat on them as we fly past."

[Telok]

Quiet thread...

"Great, we've graduated from killing rats in a basement for healing potions to killing demons in a basement for bigger healing potions. This is high level stuff, yay?"

Player: "Has anything we fought in the last six sessions had less than a hundred hit points?"
DM: "Uh... There was a caster last week, but you guys talked instead of just killing everything."
Other player: "Suddenly having triple the damage output and twice the hit points in this edition seem much less impressive."

[KorvinStarmast]

Dragon Knight: "I tell her I'm lost" (on the second floor of a building, Deception attempt)

Paladin: "She's coming back to the office? I'm out the window!"

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "You can lead a duck to water, but you can't prove she's a witch."

[somerando]

Eeks: "Every day I don't have to use my hands is a good day."

[Telok]

H:"Never get out of the boat."
Dm:"Say what?"
H:"Nothing bad ever happens to me in the boat. Never get out of the boat."
S:"Apocalypse Now."
Dm:"Are you sure you want to do that?"
H:"Yeah. I saw the movie, I'm cool."

"I wonder if pantsing the barbarian counts for keeping his rage up."

"We can't burn it down until we pillage. Pillage, then burn. We need to keep going until we get to loot."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "I like my rollercoasters how I like my women."

GM: "He's tiny. Like, no bigger than a Terrier."
Beau: "I'll call him, Ishmall."

Lily: "It's like a healthier version of Cheetos."
Sparks: "Everything is a healthier version of Cheetos."

GM: "You are somewhere between coal and uranium."

Rand: "You know you have another resource, right?"
Beau: "Oh yeah! I should pull him out."
Rand: "I'll pull mine out too."
Sparks: "Please! There are ladies present!"

Correllon Hotline: "...for clerical services, press 4..."

Lily: "Did you just release a devil?"
Sparks: "Uh... yes?"
Lily: "Into your service?"
Sparks: "Um, also yes..."
Lily: "And you did this why?"
Sparks: "Well I didn't see any of you lot stopping me."

GM: "You are all like Animal Control; you collect all the strays."

Sparks: "Dribblin the Nose is totally a mammal's name."

Sparks: "She's fine. Just tired, hungry, her kobold companion is marked for death..."

Sylvie: "You put a devil in a Hawaiian shirt and straw hat?"
Sparks: "It's a disguise."
Sylvie: "Where are his pants?"
Sparks: "...oh, right."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "We asked for an ace, and got a pair of instruction cards to play bridge."

GM: "What is the creature with the hyena face?"
Beau: "Kobold."
Sparks: "What? You mean gnoll, right?"
GM: "That's the one."
Beau: "Ah. They started with the same letter."
GM: "Okay, but I wanted the... wait. No they don't."
Sparks: "Rerolled that Insight check, did you?"

Crit: "He's using Cookie-Cutter logic; all edge and no point."

GM: "Rand is going to... shhhh..."
Beau: "-hit a brick?"

Sparks: "He's exercising at the He's Dead Gym."

Lily: "What do we do with the eggs?"
Sparks: "We can sell them for money."
Beau: "Could we give them to the centaurs?"
Rand: "The centaurs would destroy them."
Sparks: "We can sell them for money."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: I'll have an ale, and I'll buy her an ale, she's been through a lot
DM: After she chugs down two ales she looks at you and says "Do they have anything stronger?"
Paladin: I order two shots of whisky
DM: It's rotgut.
Paladin: We'll do boilermakers, then. Drop shots into ale and chug ale
-------time passes---------
DM: she's a weepy drunk
Paladin: I'll put my arm around her and let her cry on my shoulder.

[animorte]

DM: I need you all in that area to make a Con save.
Bard: 16
Cleric: 19
Warlock: 14
DM: And your Imp?
Warlock: Umm... that's an 11
DM: Everybody saves except the Imp
Warlock: Is it still invisible?
DM: It is not.
Warlock: Oh, because it's hard.
DM: Yes...
...
...
...
DM: ...it is petrified.

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: Life is short, death is sure.
Rogue: Are we on a suicide mission here, or are you trying to cheer me up?
Warlock: Trying to make you feel better about the life drain that Wight did to you.
Rogue: You are not cheering me up.

[HalfTangible]

P1: P2 does like to smash things.
P2 (his captain): ....... 40 push ups.
P1 (was mauled by a bear earlier in this scene):Worth it.

P3: "[P3's] a bit of a whore."
P1: "P1 will be happy to hear that."
GM: "P1: you like penis? Me too! Uh, i mean-"

P1: "Uh, so, P3, that guy that's been staring at you... do you know him?"
P3: "Absolutely not, never seen him before in my life."
(P3 earlier promised this guy sex if he helped her find her stolen gauntlets)

P1: "P1's surrounded by anime girls."
GM: "P1 has struck out of every conservation he's been in."
P1: "I know, it's hilarious!"

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: you see an imp, in the form of a parrot, fly overhead and sit on the branch of a tree.
Paladin: I start walking toward the tree. This imp treegz me.
Party: groan

----------------
later
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P1: (preparing to bathe) P2, {tabaxi} you keep watch; you can just lick yourself clean.

Spoiler: why the bath

Show

covered in gore after a battle, looking for a place to clean up:

[Telok]

"Lets just charge in and kill everything. Be nice to the DM this time."

P1: "I cast Speak with the Dead on the ex-T.Rex and say 'whose a good widdle dino? are you a good widdle dino? you are arent you? would the good widdle dino like a snack dwarf?'"
P2: "I am so glad he can't reanimate that thing."

P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city."

[KorvinStarmast]

P3: "It's 15 thousand gold!"
P4: "Well what else are you going to do with it?"
P3: "Buy all the whorehouses in the city."

We spent all of our gold houses on ale houses and ...