Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[KorvinStarmast]

"Ten mooks at 250 ****ing plus hp each. This is taking forever and they can't do enough damage to bloody us. Could you please stop using the stupid **** CR system?"

What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.

[Amidus Drexel]

"We put the diss in dysfunctional!"

Elf: "Being slightly more feminine does not make you an elf."

Second Watch: "That sounds like a first watch problem to me."

Monk: "What if they were happy screams?"

DM: "The wind sounds like a whole team of athletes swinging wet towels."

DM: "You're putting the sausage on the pan, and it whispers YAAARVIK."
Yarvik: "I thought you were already dead!"

Assassin: "You just haven't shaved your feet in a while."
Ranger: "They get cold at night. Plus, there's crumbs that I can save for later."

Paladin: "Roger, you should go investigate. You're the most... stealthy of us."
Assassin: "I was really worried you were going to say delicious."

[HalfTangible]

What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.

JRPGs sometimes.

[Telok]

What mook as 250 HP? Asking for a friend.

Some bloody vulture-man vampire spawn. We're 14th level and the **** stupid cr stuff says two weenie attacks of 2d6+3, 15-ish ac, and 250+ hp makes a decent fight if you use 8 mooks + 2 vamps that are about the same but have 3 spells (circle of death and 2 usless **** spells). Literally haste + prot vs evil and the fighter can solo the entire room with the flanking=adv rule going. Well, barring a string of sufficient crits, but that's because he dropped the adamant plate for 1 more ac.

Its a stupid ****ing hour plus filler fight because the game mechanics & advice tell you to run the party out of resources. Most interesting thing (aside from upcast armor of agathy making an ac 16 "provoke all the opp atks" warlock 100% unhittable because of dice god humor) was a magic altar, but nobody rolled over 7+5 on anything but the search for hidden compartments/levels (none). So that was a bust.

[Fable Wright]

Derek: Wait, are you trying to teach the former monitor lizard capitalism through the mechanisms of eggs?
Princess: Don't worry about it

Princess: Wow, for someone making fun of My Little Pony, you sure know a lot about Gadget Hackwrench to recognize her immediately from a Disney Bounding costume. I mean, she's a pretty obscure character.
Peanut Gallery: No one tell her how popular the tag is on certain image forums.
Disney Jail Bouncer: *Begins sweating*

Derek: Okay, I try to inspect what just happened. We safely jumped out of a hot air balloon after sticking our hands in a brazier and landing on a Wacky Wavy Inflatable Arm Tube Man unharmed; can I identify the magic ritual components?
GM: Roll Secrecy to see if you can identify.
Dice: Pass
GM: It was a lower-r ritual; there was no magic involved.
Derek: Okay, Derek is immediately filled with mortal peril after the fact; he did not think this could actually hurt him.

(Catching up our missing player on last session): We have replaced the bronies with robots; Derek, Princess, the real bronies, and the political prisoners are currently living happily in Equestria and may be trying to broker deals with The Pink One to leave. Also, the Spords had a minor peasant revolt, Derek signed a blood pact with the Hot Air Ballooners to make peace, and Hank and Alice are storming Disney's Club 33 with the hottest man in Agraba.

[Telok]

Player: "Wait. The cleric isn't a dwarf?"
DM: "Half-elf, he just hangs around the dwarves a lot."
Player: "Ah, that's why I couldn't tell. 'No distinguishing traits' is the half-elf racial feature."


NPC: "You have made a wise decision."
PC: "That's a rarity for us."


DM: "The death-knight sees you."
PC: "Pizza delivery! You order a large pepperoni?"
DM: "uh..."
Player: "Yay surprise! I book it back up the stairs."

[KorvinStarmast]

Paladin: "All this court lacks is a kangaroo."
Emperor: Laughs

Spoiler: in case the context is of interest

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Spoiler: private messages between two players

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Other Player: "You didn't even have to roll a Performance check"
Paladin Player: "Maybe DM forgot that I'm not playing a bard in this campaign"

Spoiler: why he's addressing them

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addressing the Emperor, and the eight 'judges' as the Imperial Court takes their seats to 'try' the party for being in the Empire illegally

[Ionathus]

"Look, it's not the first or the last time I'm gonna desecrate a corpse."

[TheTeaMustFlow]

GM: "From what you know it seems unlikely that there are any Separatists on the planet, except for the fact that you just saw Count Dooku."

[KorvinStarmast]

Hound: "What incentive are you offering me to stop working with Fitz and start working with you?"
Cutter: "Besides the fact that all three of them are witches?"
Whisper: "Why are you even talking to these people?"
Hound: "They sought us out, and we need the coin. I say we take the job."
Lurk: *shrugs* "I'm in"
Whisper: "What could possibly go wrong?" (Sarcasm dripping so heavily that we needed a mop to clean it up)

[Inevitability]

Cleric: "I ponder methods to rid this poor soul of the devil possessing their body."
Me: "You're aware of a few methods! Protection From Evil And Good and an exorcism with holy water are the easiest. Though you, as a priest, can create holy water, it would require a sacrifice of some value. Traditionally it'd have to be silver, but I'm going to go ahead and say it can be anything that your deity considers valuable. It's a bit of a moot point anyway, as none of you have much of value on y-"
Wizard, interjecting: "I got that waterskin of expensive wine!"
Me, ooc: "The wine you stole?"
Wizard, ooc: "Yeah, that one."
Me, ooc: "You want to appease and honor Moradin, god of the dwarves, lawful good god of the dwarves, by offering him stolen elvish wine?"
Wizard, ooc: "It's alcohol, isn't it?"

The wine ended up working.

[Lord Torath]

Barbarian: "If all else fails, we know that corruption is flammable."

[NRSASD]

"Hey... you can't rebuild your parents."

[Personification]

Pik: Do you need help?
Kuo'Tua guard: Prisoners do not speak to guards!
Gnaw: *Writes "Prisoners do not speak to guards!" in notebook*
Pik (to Gnaw): Can I borrow some paper?
Pik: *Writes "Do you need help?" on paper*
Pik: *Gives paper to guard*


Me, OOC: Two minutes later, we'll just storm in there, covered in fish guts, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!"

[Diachronos]

"I'm going to punch the house."

"Are you wearing boots?"
"They're worth more to me than you are."

[Personification]

"He hisses at you, but he's a fish, so he sort of glub glubs at you... But there's a lot of sass in it!"

[Amidus Drexel]

DM: "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."

Knight: "Insert jpop idol here."
DM: "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."

Knight: "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."

Horse: "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."

DM: "The 'pistol shrimp dueling' union contract is pretty good."

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one."

Cybernetic Possum is the name of my next band. Techno-country-rock.

[Personification]

Vanessa: If I bite the door do I get health?

Vanessa: Is there a fish that spits acid?
DM: Well, anchovies are high in omega 3 fatty acid.

Pik: I only just started harassing this fish!

[LecternOfJasper]

P1: "Wait guys, we need a code word! So when we wake up we'll know if this was real or not."

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!"

P3: "No, hmm."

P1: "Middle-Eastern BANANAS, that'll work."

Later:

P1: "Hey, P2, wake the f*** up, you have anything in particular you want to say, some phrase?"

P2: "The safe word is... BANANAS?!"

P1: "No, not quite-"

P2: "Middle-Eastern, BANANAS?"

P1: "AAAUUGH, IT WASN'T A DREAM IT-"

DM: "I think we'll end the session there."

[Lord Torath]

P1: What a cute giant lizard that's trying to eat me!

later
P1: That is *not* cute!

[Telok]

Pc: "So, bag of Abyissal fire ants?"
Dm: "Sure."
Pc: "Yay! Imp familiar will be so happy."
Dm: "You know, out of the Abyss almost anything could happen. They could grow to enormous size."
Pc: "Sure. But Bob will probably put them in someone's armor or bedroll before its a problem."

Bob is the imp...

[Telok]

Seriously? A week!

"Wait. Among the party ranger, barbarian, and wilderness survival types... its the city slicker halfling got-drunk-shagged-something-woke-up-with-spells warlock who kept track that the sun rises in the east so that way is north?"

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: "As you land that second divine smite, you notice that the Marilith is covered in lipstick-kisses"
Paladin: "Wait, do we have two of these to deal with, or is there someone else? {to the party} We have more coming - "
A succubus appears and promptly charms the party wizard (rolled a 1 on saving throw).
Paladin: "Is that a succubus or a {censored}youbus?"
Wizard{casting steel wind strike and attacking all party members}: "The latter"

Spoiler: what did the paladin say?

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The censored word isn't fuel truck, but the two words share some letters in common

[Amidus Drexel]

P1: "It was either here or summer school."
P2: "I was supposed to go to fat camp, but got on the wrong bus."
P3: "My mom just said to get in the car."

P1: "I love how we all independently decided to bully those NPCs."

P1: "Can we kill more people than the monster?"
P2: "Who's the real monster? Mike Myers, or teenagers?"

P2: "My giggling is now in-character."

P1: "I want someone to look at me the way P3 looked at those shoes."

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock (Celestial): "I've been thrown out of better bars than this!"

Mayor: "You've been banished"
Warlock: "If you think you can, bring it - "
Paladin: "We are not going to slaughter the entire town guard, let's just go"
Warlock: {mutters under his breath} "You're no fun anymore"

[Spore]

DM: "I could not deny our lord and savior Hatsune Miku."

Knight: "Insert jpop idol here."
DM: "You're unsure whether jpop is canon."

Knight: "The passion he has for Hatsune Miku inspires me."

Horse: "I twirl my pistol shrimp and put it back into its holster."

DM: "The 'pistol shrimp dueling' union contract is pretty good."

DM: "Your children are getting a little bitey."
Cybernetic possum: "I eat one."

Biblically accurate Hatsune Miku.

[Zevox]

*whispered ominously in a character's ear* "If you use your noodle, you won't wind up in the soup. But then, you would know all about soup, wouldn't you?"

"Imagine you're in a war, and you have to take an enemy position, but you know doing so will get some civilians killed. And you don't want that to happen, but you have to make the decision that doing it will save more people than it will hurt. Now imagine there's a crazy homeless man who really loves swinging his fist around in front of him, and he really likes when people are standing right in front of him, so sometimes he does both at the same time. He's not trying to punch them, but he knows it's going to happen. I'm more like the second one than the first."

"So, what should I do?"
"In my professional opinion, you should start praying."

[Telok]

"Oh, right, clerics' s half elf. But you knew who I meant. Half elves don't have any defining traits, so he hangs around dwarves and he's a dwarf cleric just like the other one."

[KorvinStarmast]

Guard: Stand down!
Paladin: Piss off!
Wizard: Great use of your charisma there, bud.