Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Telonius]

Me: This may be the first time I've ever said this, but ... I'm going to need to borrow a bunch of d12s.

Me, later: All right, guys. This may be the only time this ever happens for you, so make it count. ::roll::

[D.KnightSpider]

"This sounds like a little much for Level 1 characters."
"Oh, that's only the endgame. For now, you're fighting squirrels."

*Five minutes and a near party-wipe later*

"Oh, did I not mention those were ninja squirrels?"

[Guizonde]

dm: my name is not "uncle mustache"!!

[TheYell]

SORCERER: I use my Mind Reader bloodline power. What is the snake thinking?
DM: Do you have a common language?
SORCERER: ...No
DM: "Hissss"

[Necroticplague]

Gene: Is 'back when it had money in it' a valid Temporal Sympathy target?

[weet555]

This is unfortunately all i can clearly remember from a session were a nature spirit and a slave from the stars, who had never seen a tree meet.

Cade: "How do i get out off here?"
Answers when needed: "Build a boat and hope your aren't seen"
Cade: "what's a boat?"
A.w.n:...

[DeTess]

Spoiler: Context

Show

DM internal monologue during session prep: So the pair of mechs A leaves at T=0 and can cover 80 km per day or night, Mech B leaves a quarter day later and can cover 70 km per day or night and Mech C leaves half a day after B and can cover 80 km per day or night. Mechs A and B move during the day and night, while mech C might not move during the night. All mechs are moving to the same target 200km away. The Mechs A will head back to intercept mech C as soon as Mech B arrives at the target. When and where do the Mechs A intercept mech C when:
a) it moves only during the day and b) it moves during the day and the night.
c) for both cases, how long does mech C arrive after Mech B, assuming it survives the encounter with the mechs A

DM in group-chat: I hate you all for making me do high school math.

[Guizonde]

militia: ah guess that poisonnin' tha population might've'nt been the smartest course of action fer minimizin' civilian casualties.
louka: you think? it only caused 17 deaths, it's the least we've done so far.

[Necroticplague]

"Gene, put the silver paint away and back away from the dragon statue. Boredom is no reason to start a holy war."

[TheYell]

SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!
SLAYER: Bet the paladin wished he was deaf now instead of blinded.
PALADIN: Yeah can we retcon that?

SUMMONER: I drag the sorcerer behind the wall and hold my hands over her mouth!
SORCERER: Mmmph!
SUMMONER: Shut up, it's a rescue!
SORCERER: Ok, got any aloe vera? These manacles chafe.
SUMMONER: ...

LESHY: I transform my hands into blades and stab him in the face!
SUMMONER: What are you, the Terminator?
SLAYER: Hasta la vista, Gobby!

SORCERER: Snake, attack the goblin chieftain! COBRAAAAAA!

SORCERER: It's against the Whore's Code to slay prisoners!
PALADIN: That's just because you don't get paid!

DM: You find a coffer full of gold bars and a dozen precious stones.
SORCERER: The Whore's Code allows for robbing prisoners.
PALADIN: Yeah, payola!

SORCERER: You have violated the Whore's Code! You are no whore to me!
SLAYER: Thanks?

[Guizonde]

SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!

my team found their merchant in the back-room of an arena, playing dice, sipping wine and generally being a poof instead of being a bookie to our gladiator. everyone was amused, except the gladiator who proceeded to shake down the backroom for cash. next time he does that, i'm calling him a professional girlfriend.

[DigoDragon]

Mirror: "Is it bad that I had my pants on backwards?"
Charity & Doc: *exchange shrugs*
Mirror: "Not sure if worse that you didn't know my pants were on backwards."
Charity: "Those were pants?"
Doc: "This is why us earth ponies don't wear pants."

[Toric]

Bard: "Thomas. Dear. It'll be over soon." OOC: I shove the boy's head underwater and hold it there.

[Imbalance]

Ol Crispy: "I expected honor from you. Your goddess should be ashamed."

[jintoya]

Fighter:
"First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"

[AdmiralCheez]

"Ohhhhhh, a lobotomy! I thought you were talking about breakfast."

[Ornithologist]

"I check to see if I have a dozen Sake bottles in my coat."

Said out of character - "I'm not sure I can sound skeezey enough for this, gimme a sec to drink."

[Guizonde]

josé: wait, hold up. kami didn't die or get kicked in the nuts?!
dm: i'll just be over here losing my touch.

[DigoDragon]

"First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"

Experience says differently.


Doc: "Freakin' pants were riding up my butt all day."
Charity: "You've been giving your pants a free ride?"
Doc: "No, it was pay-to-play on this trip."
Charity: "You had your wallet in your pants, though."
Doc: "Pfft, yeah, and my pants took all the money. They're on their way to Vegas."

[TheYell]

SUMMONER: Oh yeah, I have a seven-foot-tall bird-man with me.
CLERIC: That's funny, I didn't notice.
SUMMONER: I forgot to mention it in my description.
DM: It was really dark, you just didn't see it.

BARD: I feed Monkle some stale muffins. Can I use prestidigitation to make them taste yummy?
DM: Sure! He gobbles up your muffins.
LESHY: -I- feed Monkle some fresh blackberries.
BARD: Can I use prestidigitation to make the blackberries taste bad?

SUMMONER: So, you got your slave.
LESHY: It's not a slave, it's a forced adoption!

LESHY: I give Monkle the cloak of protection.
SORCERER: Imma name this goblin "Frodo" cause he's gifted out with gear.
DM: Monkle name Monkle, not know your Frodo.

DM: What do you want to do today?
SORCERER: Sleep in, maybe some light shopping...

SORCERER: Who had the griffon?
SUMMONER: The samurai, but he's in and out.
SORCERER: Cause we loaded it with our stuff like a mule.
SUMMONER: Oh yeah!
DM: You see a griffon resting on a rooftop.

CLERIC: I spot the goblin. I draw my scimitar and scream "RAID!"
SORCERER: Whoa!
SLAYER: I draw my swords and stand between you and Monkle.
DM: Monkle screams.
BARD: Don't hurt Monkle!
CLERIC: It's a goblin!
BARD: It's not!
CLERIC: I'm looking right at it!
LESHY: It's Monkle!

LESHY: Welcome to the party.
SLAYER: It's an acid trip.
CLERIC: I need another pitcher of ale...

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: "The flesh golem rips the butter knife from your hands."
Party: "Get out of there!"
Paladin: "It's my only weapon!"

*surrounded by angry flesh golems*
Paladin: "I told you returning to the scene of the crime was a bad idea, but no one ever listens to me."

[Guizonde]

cayden caillean's finest crew stew clusterboo

josé: basically, going into hell is like going into the most metal nightclub ever.
korinn: technically, we're going into the abyss. which is worse.
josé: details, details...

dm: are you going in or what?
josé: did i smoke novikov completely? did he respawn? good. FIRST!

dm: the place smells like sulfur and despair.
grimm: oh lord! it smells like kami!

free: uh, is this your fault, josé?
josé: for once, i'm completely honest when i say it's not my fault.

korinn: we'll forgive you when you're in the retirement home, uncle.

grimm: it's such a weak attack that we demand more.

grimm: i'll never do something refined in this group!
korinn: but you're an ork!
grimm: racist!!

josé: i was a half-elf. i am now a full elf. *clutches groin*

josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!

grimm: who the hell are you?!
brutallica: i'm brutallica, daughter of brutalisor, granddaugher of blender the glutton. blow me.
korinn: this won't end well.

grimm: technically, josé killed his mom.
everyone: NOBODY talks about josé's mom.
korinn: even if they're dead?
everyone: especially.

korinn:we don't throw a tomato into the portal!
free: of course we do!

[DigoDragon]

Doc: "You have all the resistance of a package of Oreos."

Charity: "So what happens if I don't come back?"
Doc: "Dibs on your pipbuck."
Charity: "No, I'm taking my Pokemon collection with me."

Mirror: "This is what my dress looks like with the spanx on."
Doc: "Spanx, the final frontier."
GM: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
Doc: "Eh, I've been there."

GM: "Make a Gather Info check."
Mad Max: *rolls* "Ha ha ha!"
GM: "Five?"
Max: "Three."

Johnson: "If you are captured, I will disavow your existence and no help will come for you."
Doc: "This Johnson will self-destruct."
GM: "If his Johnson self-destructs, then would it be an erec--"
Mirror: "Impossible, yes. Let's move on. Celestia Christmas, I need female friends at this table."

GM: "So you are plodding along in your truck..."
Doc: "Not like we can do anything off the rails."
Max: "Our truck is a plod device?"

Charity: "I rotate the airship canon and fire on the Enclave truck."
GM: "Roll to hit. You have a -6 penalty to use unfamiliar Enclave tech."
Charity: *Roll a Nat 20*
GM: "Wow. Um, okay the truck and the Enclave soldier just... cease to exist. All that's left is the engine block that plops on the ground."
Max: "Good grief, where did a filly learn to fire an airship cannon?"
Mirror: *stares at Doc* "I wonder."
Doc:

GM: "Make an Intelligence check."
Doc: "Twenty in total."
GM: "You notice that there's a bulge in Max's pants pocket that wasn't there before."
Doc: "... ..." O_o
Max: *snerk*
Doc: "... ..." 6_6
GM: *giggling*
Doc: "... ..." >_>
Max: "He's not sure that he wants to bring it up."
Mirror: "Uh, phrasing!"
Charity: "So, you're not happy to see us, are you?"
Max: "Hmm? Oh this? This is a Thermal Detonator."
Doc: "Well it's a good thing you didn't go off in the fight."
Mirror: "PHRASING!!"

GM: "Roll to get underway."
Max: "Ick, an eleven."
GM: "Okay, take off with this airship is really rocky."
Mirror: "Did you leave the parking break on?"
Max: "No, um... hang on, I'll figure this out..."
Charity: "Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?"
Max: *pushes some buttons, airship starts moving smoothly* "Right, underway now."

[TheYell]

josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!

I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending. Epic exit line!

[DeTess]

Wizard:I go through the motions to cast another ray of frost and...[dice].. apparently this one unexpectedly exist from my other hand and goes nowhere. I don't think I've hit any of those yet this session?
Paladin:You're really not that good at this whole 'slinging death and destruction' thing, are you?
Wizard:In my defense, I've been trained in the subtle manipulation of our environment and rearranging of reality to tilt the odds in our favor, not blasting things with fireballs.
DM:*points at the large crater on the battlemap, surrounded by the charred corpses of our enemies*
Wizard:That was the result of some very subtle manipulation of five sticks of magical TNT.

[Coventry]

Spoiler: Responses

Show

GM: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
Doc: "Eh, I've been there."

Living dangerously, there, my friend ...

Only one memorable from our last session:

Killian: You do love me!
Frighid: No. I just want you to shut up.
Killian: Fair enough.

[Telok]

"Lets take the safe route. Man the assault shuttles and charge the plasma cannons."

"Crap. We didn't assign anyone to pilot the ship." "You're going to crash into the asteroid because you forgot to leave anyone at the helm when you grabbed more crew for the guns?" "Shooting is important!"

[Imbalance]

Myrmidon, from the corridor: Firkin, should I try to shoot him in the dark?
Firkin, next to the crumbling skeleton: No...don't do that.

Party: Ok, so plan A is we put the barrel up against the rocks of the cave-in, then line up the oil-soaked dead zombies end-to-end.
DM: Why?
Me: They're the fuse.

[Guizonde]

I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending. Epic exit line!

thank you. also, him blowing up an entire plane was his way of going out with a bang *bah dum tish*. the rest of the team is still very salty about that. despite all the quotes, they actually liked the character!

[malachi]

DM, a guy: You see a man with a chiselled body, with finely bronzed skin, *description continues*
Ragar, DM's brother, OOC: Why are you better at describing hot men than hot women?

Vocala: I'm not sure how to feel about that. Disappointed because he's not interested in me, or happy because he's not going to sell me for parts.

Chiselled guy: Do you even know how baby [Vocala's race] are made?
Vocala: Yes. Of course I do. But Takei doesn't, could you explain it to him?

Chiselled guy: That's not tea.
Zhang: You can make tea out of anything!

Vocala, the the chiselled guy: When you wipe my memory, can you leave some memory of you? But without the whole cutting-people-up-and-selling-them part.