Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Amidus Drexel]

"You used to be a person?"
"Always have been."

Assassin: "Keep your eyes out, because something big got eaten a few hours ago. Made an awful sound. Anyway, good night!"
Sorcerer: "Oooooookay"

Ranger: "We're not going to need a bigger boat."

DM: "You'd have to grab that out of his quiver."
Assassin: "Mi quiver es su quiver."

"Those weren't really dragons. They didn't have wings."
"You could say they were DRAGON on the ground."

"Stop feeding him so much. We don't want him to get diabetes - that's how the dinosaurs died out."

"Do you guys have names?"
(with a heavy accent) "Yeea, of cuorse."
"Oh, so they're from the Bronx!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue: "We're gonna need a bigger boat!"
Someone: (plays theme music to Jaws)

DM: The seagull flies off ...
Rogue: I guess we got to page 112. (The ref)

[Fable Wright]

GM: Kristina tries to leave for the third time, desperately trying to avoid social contact. Again, she's like someone's second D&D character—attractive, brooding, with an ominous air."
Froderick's Player: Yep! So until she gets better, Froderick's going to be aggressively friendly!
Geist's Player: *Bursts out laughing*

Magic Cop: "And who are all of you?"
Geist: "I'm Geist, of House Tytalus!"
Magic Cop: *Rubs temples* Of course you are.
Translator's note: Tytalus are a mage house known for child abuse, causing as much trouble as humanly possible, magic crimes, and getting off the hook for said crimes.

Augustus: "Hold up. 'Faerie Dragon Dad'?"
Froderick: "Yeah, when my Gift was opened, my parens experimented, and I lost something I should have had. So to try to regain it, my parens had me be adopted by a faerie dragon, to try and get it back."
Augustus: "Oh, so it's child abuse."
Geist: *Grins widely.*

GM: As you land in this patch of the desert, you can sense the invisible boundary to another realm, larger than anything you have ever seen before. A man runs out from the corner of your eye, waving and shouting to catch your attention.
Crazy old man: "Turn back! This is a place of great evil! Inside lies the Golden Calf, a great shaitan—"
Froderick: "Are you okay? Are you injured? Do you have water? Food?"
Crazy old man: "I—I'll be fine, but turn back!"
Froderick: "Do you have a place to go? Do you need a lift?
*later*
GM: The old man wanders off with the sandwich you gave him, mollified. 'Well, warning delivered. That's enough exposition for today.'

Froderick: "It's a faerie mind-virus."
Magic Cop: "Virus? I'm unfamiliar with the term."
Froderick: "Oh, faerie dragon dad used the term all the time."
Magic Cop: "Wait, what?"
Geist: "Child abuse."
Magic Cop: "Oh, I've heard about that!"

GM: Below you, you can see the Sultan's palace, sprawling into the city of Cairo. In the distance, you can see the vast shapes of the Pyramids, and the vast marketplaces below.
Froderick: "Hey, Magic Cop, a question. Wasn't there another group of mages here? Did you want to stop by?"
Magic Cop: "That's two questions. Yes, there is. No, I don't."
Augustus: "Wasn't this place the home of the Tytalus Archmage?"
Magic Cop: "Allegedly. We're not stopping."
Augustus: "Aww."

Augustus: "We were looking for Vladan. Is he around?"
Michael: "No, he's out in Damietta, scouting out the crusaders. Oh, but don't mention that to Magic Cop."
Magic Cop: "He's in Damietta. When I specifically told him to stay away."
Michael: "Oh! I... really wasn't expecting you to get back to so fast!"

[Milodiah]

"So what you're saying is I'm the only cybernetic Catholic in the room."

Thank you, Shadowrun, for this gem.

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: My next song is called "Honey, I never asked you to wear leather chaps"
Party: "No, we don't want to know ..."

[Lord Raziere]

Whisper: "If you think this is bad, imagine if were actually trying to overthrow you"

[KorvinStarmast]

Bard: In that case, give me back my crowbar!
========================

DM: What were once windows are now swirling walls of sharp, deadly glass shards.
Barbarian: I look for a way between them.
DM : There isn't one.
Warlock: I misty step past the shards.
Barbarian: Rage
Warlock: I head over to the balcony where we left 50 feet of rope tied to the railing.
DM: There isn't any rope.

[Amidus Drexel]

Fighter: "It's like a rosetta stone of bad ideas."

DM: "I don't think the celestial bison will fit into your trenchcoat."

Sorcerer: "I'm just slowly bleeding out, don't mind me."

Fighter: "This is unfortunately Dave."

Rogue: "Oh, you're gonna youth pastor it."
Cleric: "You know who else was 50% bread?"
Fighter, incredulous: "Are you 50% blood!?"

??? "They can't. They're on that sigma grindset."
Cleric: "That's why I prepared cause fear."

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "Crit with a bow hits #1, but Beau with a crit hits #2."

Mule: "There is no Dana, only Mule!!"

Sparks: "Orisons sounds like a breakfast thing."

Garrik: "Don't you want to see the fight?"
Sylvie: "Not from the Splash Zone I don't."

Lily: "You have the biggest thing we've seen here."
Sparks: "Uh, phrasing."

Servant: "Your paladin is a drunken brawl waiting for a place to happen."

Sparks: "At this point we've upgraded from thorn to dagger."
Sylvie: "They've probably lost a kidney."

Garrik: "I've taking a shoe to the face. I know how not to read a room."

Sparks: "So it's either death or slave to a devil?"
Sylvie: "Well, slave works for me."

GM: "Hey, you can't open the Monster Manual for info! You first have to roll a-"
Lily: "Nat 20 on Knowledge (Religion)."
GM: "...she's on page 54."

Sparks: "The cheese was worth not pooping for three days."

[KorvinStarmast]

Servant: "Your paladin is a drunken brawl waiting for a place to happen."

That accurately describes our Monk and our Fighter in the current campaign.
Speaking of quotes:

Fighter:"If there's work, there's drink!"

A few days later ...

Lurk: This Score is powered by Circus Underpants!
(Background music plays Yakety Sax)

Hound: What, are we playing Carpentry in the Dark?

Cutter: I just threw a vampire into the cage.
Lurk: Let's get the flock out of here!

Crew: For being a complete clusterfunk, that went well

Hound(thoughtfully): I shot him in the face with electroplasmic bullets.
*clock strikes four*
Hound: Aw sheet, that means spiritual consequences! .
Crew: Do we even know who this is?

[NRSASD]

"My uncle is glad I have a future. The rest of my family is glad I'm not part of their future."


Headmaster of the Wizard School: "We'll see how many of you I see next year."
Student: ... "Are you going to go blind?"


"If I knew those healing rocks existed, I wouldn't have thrown the rabbit at that cat."


"I stay up all night discussing existential philosophy with my manic butterfly."


DM: You get thwacked hard by the quarterstaff and go unconscious. You wake up almost immediately as the student who clobbered you immediately revives you.
Student with quarterstaff (DM): "I'm so sorry! I panicked! Your magic was really scary and I just swung and... that was the worst thing I've ever done in my life! I'm sorry!
Concussed student (PC): I have VERY mixed feelings about this. Mixed... romantic feelings. They may have knocked me unconscious but no one has ever cared enough to heal me before!

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "Ugh! I'm an idiot."
Sylvie: "Yeah, but we don't hold it against you."

Sparks: "Hi. I have a question. For God."

Beau: "Check out my bejeweled dagger."
Sylvie: "Do you have a Candy Crush shield too?"

Beau: "Here comes the raid caravan."
Thri-keen: "RAID?!"

Sparks: "Here comes the raid again
Swinging at my head like a memory
Swinging at my head like a new emotion
I want to tank in the open wind
I want to flank like lovers do
Want to siege into your city
Is it burning with you?
So, baby, raid with me
Like lovers do
Trade with me
Like lovers do
Raid to me
Like lovers do"

Sylvie: "It was a Loki kind of party."
Sparks: "Eh? It seemed like a rather rambunctious carnival to me."
Sylvie: "But that's what I just implied?"
Sparks: "No, you said it was a low key event."
Beau: "Ah! Homonym trouble."

Slyvie: "How high are you flying?"
Sparks: *SnoopDogg.jpeg*

GM: "Role a save."
Lily: "Fortitude?"
GM: "How did you roll a 42?!"

GM: "You Bugs Bunny'd a Brooklyn accent."

Beau: "How did it come back out of the moat covered in Hollandaise sauce?"

Garrik: "Do we have a plan?"
Sparks: "I have... 12% of a plan."
Beau: "That's barely a concept."

GM: "How is it you all are arguing over how you died and yet you all are still alive?"

Sparks: "She's only going to harp on your bad treatment of her."
Magic Harp: "Hey! Hey! Only Beau can make bad musical puns around me."
Beau: "Yeah. Her companionship comes with strings attached."
Magic Harp: "...I regret my life choices."

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue (she is also playing the Barbarian/Druid, whose player could not make it) "What can I do to attack when there is a blade barrier between us and the giants?"
Fighter: "Try a thorn whip and see if you can drag him into the blades" (And by golly it worked!)
Rogue: "Pretty clever idea, and you're not even a battle master"


Cleric: They are coming in large groups: which AoE should I use?
Fighter: Earthquake worked a couple of years ago
Cleric: I can only see 60' and it's got a 100' radius; we'll be caught in it
Fighter: shrugs


City Guard Captain: "Where are you going? The assembly call was in that direction! (Opposite of the party's direction of travel) and we have intruders!"
Rune Knight: "I have to escort these operatives to the command post; they have critical intel!"
City Guard: "What kind of intel?"
Rune Knight: I don't have a need to know, but Sergeant Eggerfleven will chew off my left butt cheek and stuff it into my ear if I don't deliver them to the command post!"
City Guard Captain{after the 22 was rolled for deception} "get moving then, and report to your unit immediately after you do!"
Rune Knight:: "Aye Aye, Captain"
Monk {under his breath}: "Infiltration by hiding in plain sight; why didn't I think of that?"
Rune Knight:: Because you're a drunk.

[Telok]

GM: "The shadows are like CR 1."
P1: "And they're more dangerous than the nightwalker. We have a barbarian for the stupid beatstick monsters."

P1: "Adventuring on the negative energy plane is weird. Everything does psychic damage."
P2: "Plus necrotic works and nothing's vulnerable to radiant."
P3: "Lol-random monster design is random."

P1: "How do we open the gate?"
P2: "Tell the barbarian there's a drink on the other side."
P3: "What? We forgot to bring beer? Man, we're boned."

[KorvinStarmast]

Slide: "Well I spread the wrong rumor and I need to make amends with that gang leader who wants to cut out my tongue, {at this point a rambling discourse commences}
NPC: *begins to show annoyance*
Leech(interrupts): "We'll offer to do him a favor. We'd like you to arrange a meeting with his henchman"
NPC: "Oh, so that's what you want?"
Slide: "Yes, that's what we wanted. To talk. I'm good at talking, maybe I can talk him out of cutting out my tongue..."
NPC: "There can be too much of a good thing"
Leech: "Just tell us when and where, and we'll be there." (takes Slide by the arm and begins to leave)
NPC/DM: "Did you just Pith on his spotlight?"

[Laserlight]

Tom: I hear a voice yelling in Dark Speech? Must be a mindflayer! I shoot at where I hear the voice!
DM: You're firing into complete darkness, with disadvantage, you'll...well. A Nat 20, but you take the lower die, which is....a Nat 20. Jesse, you're hit.
Jesse: You SHOT me! In the BUTT! I'm never healing you again!


Tom: I grab the rope, swing over to the girl, grab her, and cut the rope that's suspending her over the pit.
DM: One hand for your rope, one hand for the girl, one hand to cut her rope. Remind me, how many hands do you have?
Tom: ...(long, pained pause) ... I drop the only rapier I'm ever going to find on this continent. Looks like I'll be Smiting with a borrowed dagger.


Jesse, two years after the campaign ended: Old Juan! Old ONE! He was--! I can't believe--!
DM: I was wondering if you would ever realize what he was.

[Lord Torath]

Tom: I grab the rope, swing over to the girl, grab her, and cut the rope that's suspending her over the pit.
DM: One hand for your rope, one hand for the girl, one hand to cut her rope. Remind me, how many hands do you have?
Tom: ...(long, pained pause) ... I drop the only rapier I'm ever going to find on this continent. Looks like I'll be Smiting with a borrowed dagger.

Oh, you poor, dumb Tom. Swing over to the girl, throw her arms around your neck, then cut her rope! No need to lose your rapier!

Of course, 20/20 Hindsight, armchair quarterbacking, only know part of the details, etc. etc. In other words, it's quite probable my 'obvious' solution would not have worked.

[Jay R]

"A cheetah is not a bludgeoning weapon."

Bard: I inspire courage.
DM: You all feel courageous. Do something stupid.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Bugbears with crossbows!"
Beau: "A grizzly combination."

Lily: "I've tasted mayonnaise with more kick."

Beau: "Now, witness the awesome might of this fully operational Warlock!"

Sparks: "The ping here is an atrocious 800."

Garrik: *adds scotch to his potion of healing*

Beau: "One stupid thing just occurred to me."
Sylvie: "Just one?"
Beau: "I'm pacing myself."

Sparks: "Five feet? That's not a movement rate, that's a rounding error."

Gm: "The squid goes on 21."
Lily: "I'm a 21 too!"
Sparks: "Thought you were a Sagittarius?"

Sylvie: "It's a kraken, it doesn't have anything but tentacles!"

Lily: "I came in like a Nature's Call!"

Sparks: "Moving this tree is gonna be a birch of a quest."
Beau: "I do pine for the days we had simple solutions."

[KorvinStarmast]

Fighter: during down time, I'll be getting a tattoo of the Nightshade Lily on my left butt cheek.


Monk: Hmm, not sure if I should get those gaunts that give me only 1d4 lightning damage on hitting.
Fighter: Beggars can't be choosers.


Monk: I want to pet the kitty!
Druid: That's a saber toothed tiger
Bard (who summoned the STT): If she takes your hand off, that's on you.


Wizard: Wait, they said something about operation full moon
Fighter: They did, I'll follow that elf and see if I can find out more
Off camera voice: Just keep your pants on, we don't need a full moon now.

[Xihirli]

Teacher: Does your fox have gills?
Willow: Yes. Don’t worry about it, completely normal and expected where I’m from.

Teacher: What do you seek at the Magambia?
Caroline: Right now I’m looking for that snake’s shadow.

“The catfolk equivalent of finger guns.” -GM

Willow: Essi gets [swear word approximating "dates"]!
Etayne: So many, they have to make appointments!

GM: They skip indigo. Because **** indigo.
7: As they should, indigo is not a valid color.
GM: Indigo is my favorite color.

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid: We'll take the captive with us when we talk to the Fey.
Monk: That will go well, surely.
Wizard: I think we are about to get an alignment check.

Druid: You froze the lake.
Fey: Yes, I did, and your captive is getting cold feet. (snickers)
Druid: Let's go ice skating.
Fighter to Monk: "I think it just became cocktail hour"
Monk: gets booze out of back pack..

[vasilidor]

I fell like I got hit by a clue by 4.

[KorvinStarmast]

Druid (In Draconic): "Oh mighty dragon turtle we are here!"
Dragon Turtle: Did you bring what I asked for?
Druid: "Yes. Here's the magical item that was stolen from you."
Monk (sotto voce): Is the Mage still knocked out?
Barbarian (sotto voce): Yes.
Monk (in Draconic): "We also have a snack for you."
Dragon Turtle: "A snack? What kind of snack?"
Monk: "The thief himself!"
{Barbarian throws mage out of the boat.}
{Dragon Turtle consumes Mage.}
Rogue: "Let's get out of here before he belches"

[Lord Torath]

(In the course of negotiating with a lost Fire Giant):

"Excellent! Come with us if you want to meet your maker again."

[Telok]

"Dude, the neg plane is just too weird. The monochrome black, the skulls & scythes motifs, that's fine. But the only thing worth talking about that didn't deal psychic damage was a giant gelatenous cube, and vampritic touch worked on way too many things."

[KorvinStarmast]

Fire Giant: You guys are mean!
He became chutney during the course of that round

Rogue: What's our Battle Master doing?
Champion Fighter: He's drawing a tunnel for us to escape through. Nolzur's Pigments
Rogue: Why?
Ranger: The fire giants can throw rocks all day; they never run out of rocks.

[Hagashager]

From my 2e group:
"You're supposed to use a pillow."

"Wait, whoa, we have a slave?"

"What the Hell, man?! You ask me to show you the secret to immortal life and then you kill him!" *said after Party Mage botched an immortality ritual *very* badly.*

From my Star Wars group:
"Bounty-Hunting is a complicated business." *said after a target asked why we have a Bothan girl with us*

"Don't worry! We're coming to get you!" *immediately gets T-Boned by a hover-car after a double-despair to swerve off the road*

From my Conan game:
"The guy had a pet rat with the face of a man! How in the Hell are we supposed to think 'good guy' from that??"

[thorr-kan]

My 2E Al-Qadim campaign:

<Normally laidback priest>: "I'm going to ransack his laboratory for writing supplies. Then I'm gonna write, "OUR BUSINESS." on his forehead!"

(Party had just finished putting down an enemy wizard 3 times in 4 sessions. But the guy won't die. He's at something like -60 hit points and keeps squirming. But he's not undead. Since a slogan of the group is, "It's not our fault! We were minding our own business!", I think *somebody* has had enough of this guy. They got the info they wanted, divested him of any magic items, got an oath of non-interference, and left him. I'm impressed. They didn't torture the guy, just beat him, threatened him with feeblemind and revocation of his occult protections, then left him.
No murderhobos here.)

[Telok]

"A pox on your pathetic monarchy. I have a gun-fu motorcycle nun government. Your argument is invalidated for uncoolness."