Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[KorvinStarmast]

Mr Sane: "When you are investigating a space craft that is half submerged in molten lava, you don't want a complication"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "I have the high ground."
Dragon: *taps Beau on the shoulder*
Snoop Dogg: *Taps the dragon on the shoulder*

Lily: "I'm getting tetanus just by looking at it."

Coast Guard: "Identify yourselves and your business here."
Lily: "We're humble circus performers, on a pleasure cruise in eel-infested waters."

Beau: "She is deliciously different."
Jennah: "Okay, we need to have a talk later."
Sparks: "Well he's not wrong."
Jennah: "Two talks."

Jeremiah: "Prince would look at this guy's outfit and think it's too much collar."

Air Elemental: "I go underground like air through a tiny hole."
Sparks: "Ah. Understood. Burritos do that to me."

Beau: "I like big doors and I cannot lie."

Lily: "And knowing is half the battle."
Sparks: "Yeah, but we need the other half."
Beau: "G. I. D'ooh!"

[Telok]

PC: How long will the ape be out for?
GM: Given your knowledge of ten foot tall carnivorous albino cave gorillas from magically contaminated dungeons with time and space anomalies, two to eight hours.
PC: I want to clean out the **** cart and take him with us. I have a rank in animal handling. I'll make it a pet.
GM: So how does the four foot tall gnome heft it over his head into the cart?
PC: A couple boards for a ramp and a lever.
GM: ... Sure. It'll be hilarious. You cart the ape after a couple hours of cleaning and heaving.

GM: The random encounter dice are rolling like ****. Even with the screaming monkey on your head making me check in every single room they won't roll under a five.

GM: Thirty minion goups of goblins and morlocks in that fight last week and nothing rolled over a twenty-something. The giant mutant ape couldn't touch you. The first stirge swarm you run across and its rolling fifty plus to head shot you. Again. What the **** dice?
PC: I should get favored enemy in stirges after this.
GM: Other than friendly fire they're the only things here that have really hurt you.

[KorvinStarmast]

Rune Knight: Look, short stuff, you can summon all of the lava demons you want and I'm still gonna kick your butt.
Dwarf Cleric NPC: You shall be consigned to the fl - (begins rolling death saves)

[DigoDragon]

Sparks: "No, he has pinching, but it's at the other end."

Beau: "No so clever as you think you are."
Sparks: "Are you talking to yourself?"
Beau: "Yes I am."

Smuggler: "Do you have a hero complex or are you just crazy?"
Beau: "Both?"
Sparks: "Both."
Beau & Sparks: "Both is good."

Butcher: "You weren't always like this?"
Sparks: "No, our elf's warranty expired."

Jennah: "We're a walking accident waiting for a place to happen."

Beau: "I'm a scroll man..." (trumpet sounds)

[KorvinStarmast]

Fighter (throwing dwarf NPC Champion into the pool of lava): "You can climb out and I'll throw you back in again, dude."
Dwarf: "Chumbawumba, dude!"
Monk: (activates jet pack and swoops in, plucking dwarf out of lava): "Sorry man, I just had to."
Fighter: "You do you, man. By the way: cool move!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "We don't roll initiative, we roll another doobie!"

[DigoDragon]

Beau: "I cast Eldritch Blast, and tack on a Nauseating effect."
Lily: "All. My. Friends. Love a spell rider."

Lily: "Rolling a die; 1s are even, 3s are odd."
Jennah: "...what?"

Sparks: "Okay, so it strips you of your dignity before sending you to the after life. Good to know."

Sparks: "Can you hit the warlock with one?"
Jeramiah: *unsheathes axe*
Sparks: "With a healing spell!"

Sparks: "They're like Jeanut Jutter and Jelly."
Beau: "Go home. You're drunk."

Jeramiah: "All in favor of running around and flailing like Kermit the frog?"

GM: "The amulet rears up and hisses at you like a cobra."
Sparks: "First, I prestidigitate my pantaloons."

Lily: "Was that four questions?"
Undead: "No, five." *dies*

Sparks: "Thanks for reminding my enemies that they're after me."

Beau: "None of my injuries are hit points."
Lily: "Emotional damage!"

Lily: "Can you leave your duties?"
Princess: "There in lies the rub."
Beau: "Right next to the pair o' ducks."

[PhoenixPhyre]

From the campaign notes: "There is a Tsun cultist for the kneecaps!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Rogue, in Salt Marsh: "What's up...dock?"
Barbarian: "They'll be hanging the pirate captain soon. Looks like a bigcrowd coming to watch this, and I am not sure they'll all fit.
Rogue: "Yeah, too much pier pressure"

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Trickery Cleric: "That bitch abandoned me."
Druid: "You chose your friends poorly"
Trickery Cleric: "True. I surrender."

==================

Rune Knight: "Yes, we saw a group who sound like that group you described - in the forest earlier today."
Ash: "What did you do to them?"
Rune Knight? "Us? Nothing. You'll note that we are on horseback, and your friends were on foot. I am sure they'll be along"
Ash (to her allies): "Kill them!"
Rune Knight: "I have advantage on deception checks, and she doesn't believe me. Well that stinks."
Druid: "Given that one of them was an arch druid, Ash probably knows that her ally could have used Tree Stride to get here ahead of us."
Rune Knight: "I guess it makes sense when you put it that way ..."

[Debatra]

(OOC)
Ranger: Okay, I'm back. What'd I miss?
DM: I need you to make a reflex save.
Ranger: Why, what did [Cleric] do?
Cleric: Why do you assume it was me?
Ranger: Am I wrong?
Cleric: ...So my spell's DC is 17.

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: Nobody's Sexy in Barovia!
Bard: Except the hot lady vampires hanging upside down by the bridge.
Paladin: *glares at bard*

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Lady in the windmill: I am selling meat pies for a GP each.
Warlock: Do dead babies taste like chicken?
Paladin: *Bull rushes door, breaks it down*
DM: roll initiative...

[Xihirli]

Quotes from Sophia FINALE (for now)


"Here is where I would cast cure wounds if I was a cleric and I gave a ****."
"Sadly you are not a cleric and you don't give a ****. This mammoth is going to die."

Sophia: "Let me take the bloodiest position."
DM (Me): "... Okay."

Sophia: "Sure, but I can choose not to kill with my hammer."
NPC ORC: "I will remind you that in fifth edition, nonlethal damage just requires you land the finishing blow with a melee attack. That includes biting."
Sophia: "Kolvu, what the hell is fifth edition?"
NPC Orc: "I'm sorry, I think the gods just spoke through me."

DM (me): "She [wolf form Sophie] reaches out and puts her head on your hand. You sort of pet yourself. You can feel your hand on your face."
Sophia: "That's kind of weird."

[KorvinStarmast]

Rune Knight:I would like a Djinn amd Tonic
Monk Careful, that was a Djin and Catatonic
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Wizard's Mom: "So who is this that you're with? Are you dating."
Monk (stifling laughter): "Oh yes, yes they are... dating."
Druid: "Uh, wait, did we go official?"
Rune Knight: "Since you two always room together, how would anyone think otherwise?"
Druid: "I can't afford a wedding."
Rune Knight: "I have cash, so yes you can. But first we have this other quest we have to do ..."
Druid "Yes, let's put off this wedding talk until after that."
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Rune Knight: The plane of Ice and the plane of Rye Whiskey have a Rocky Relationship
---------------------------------
Monk: I swear to defend you from necrotic bacon attacks!
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Druid: Wheeee! We just jumped into the Well of Many Worlds
Monk: Hmm, looks like the plane of lava
Rune Knight: In the plane of lava, everyone's hot.
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Druid : There should not be ghosts on the elemental plains
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Monk: "I'll just punch this efreeti some more, because it's hilarious
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Wizard: We are conspicuously unmolested

EDIT:
From last night:

GM: "Looks like tonight's game has become Blades in the Dark: Cheech and Chong edition."

[KorvinStarmast]

DM: Sitting next to the archmage is a (literally) radiant woman in plate armor. A two handed sword rests against her armored leg.
Monk: {whispers} Hmm, could be a deva or maybe a -
Rune Knight: Is she hot?
Druid: You are hopeless!

==============================

Archmage: What have you to offer me in trade? What exotic items to add to my collection?
Monk: Fang From A Stone Dragon, Bottle of Rainbow Whisky, Hippogriff feathers, A Runic helm and matching Dark iron gauntlets, two Chimera pelts, and a Drake skin
Archmage: Very nice. {Aloofly, to his minions} "Take all of their stuff and kill them"
Wizard: "Wait, don't we do that?"
Rune Knight: "Maybe he used to be an adventurer..."

==============================

Archmage: I think you'll be fighting on my side now. (casts dominate person)
Rune Knight: Not today, mister. (made the save) This cold steel is for you
(Yes, he's wielding a frostbrand...)

=============================

[Unoriginal]

PC A: "How long will PC B stay in that state?"
PC C: "The rest of his life, most likely."
Player D, out of character: "What? It can't be that long, the ability's backlash should be over in a short while."
Player C, out of character: "That's what [PC C] meant. She's rather pissed at his stupidity."

[Debatra]

Druid Player: Wait, we have a divine caster in the party? Who?
Literally Everyone Else at the Table, Simultaneously: You!

[Debatra]

"Does it count as cannibalism if I'm not Human?"

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: We weren't looking for a fight.
Barbarian: But we found one
Fighter(Dwarf): And we finished it.

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: I am not braggin' but I did it with a dragon'

==============

Druid: Shopping for a wedding gown, who do I consult with?
Monk: Here's a shop, Queer Eye for the Druid Girl...

===========

DM: As you approach the plaza you see a temple (think Roman Empire style) and people dressed in togas, or quite a bit less. The priestess has on a very revealing gown.
Rune Knight: When in Rome, do the Romans!

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Karg: Let's relieve some stress
Ash: I ordered up a six pack of hookers.
Karg: What's that gonna cost?
Ash: Who cares?
Karg: Fair point.
Ash: I could spend a week at this brothel.
Karg: As long as they have oysters ...

[Xapi]

My 8 int Barbarian: "Are those things or people?"

The party's bard: "I'll go talk to them"

My 8 int Barbarian after the animated doll guards attack the bard: "They were things! They must be broken!"

********

Later, as a murder of crows flies towards the old abandoned mill:

My 8 int barbarian: "Are crows things or people?"

The bard who has speak with animals prepared: "Ha, that's funny, I don't know."

[NRSASD]

Oz: Have you ever read the Graveyard of Empires?
Mitsy: No. I don't think I can read.
Oz: Yeah, I can't read either.

Holly: "Samos has already made a deal with the fae. Can it really get any worse?"
Mitsy & Mizuna: "YES"

"With great responsibility comes great risk of disease."

"God cop, bad cop!"

"The frog is her revenge body."

[KorvinStarmast]

War Mage: We are good at doing stupid things.
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Druid: Our Monk is in a tentacle porn video.
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Monk: I fly out using my jet pack.
Rune Knight: Thanks for the damage from your flaming exhaust.

[Kardwill]

Gadgeteer PC : Can I disassemble this powerful weapon to rebuild it into a less powerful, less precise one?
GM : Sure. You need a proper workshop, an assistant, all of the party's money, and probably miss the next adventure. AND it will be clunky and unreliable
Gadgeteer : Totally worth it!

[KorvinStarmast]

Barbarian: "I'm still mad about being woken up by someone who was trying to kill me."

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Dr Ronson: "We just killed a venus flytrap in space. Yeah!"

[HalfTangible]

GM: "4 or 5 of the women are conventionally attractive, another 4 or 5 are unconventionally attractive, another 5 are okay, and Susan. We don't talk about Susan."

[KorvinStarmast]

Monk: should I leave the rest of the party behind? Yes. Step of the wind, and through the portal!
Druid: Running I am, just not as fast as the Monk. Firecat, teleport Rune Knight to the portal.
War Mage: How did you slow that clay golem down?
Rune Knight: Ice. I'm leaving, you can keep talking to the clay golem if you like.

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DM: The tree, as you come out of the portal, seems to have changed. It is still incredibly tall, but now it is made out of stone.
Rune Knight: Let's climb it to the top and see what we find.
Monk/War Mage/Druid(in unison): Let's not, and say we did.

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King: If you all handle that problem to the south, the one that is triggering all of these refugees heading north, I can offer you one of those two abandoned estates.
War Mage: Abandoned estates?
King: We confiscated the lands due to their treason. You can have the title/patent of nobility if you take over an estate.
Monk: I'd rather not have a noble title.
Rune Knight: I'll be happy to take on the patent of nobility/title.
War Mage: How did I know he'd say that?

---------------------------------------------

Priestess: I like you enough to move out of Mom and Dad's house, and move in with you.
Monk: I mostly wander/travel/adventure; I don't have a home, so nowhere to move in to.
Priestess: I can fix that. Mom and dad are royalty; they can get us a house.
Monk: *Step of the wind* The only way she catches me is with wind walk ... and I don't think she's a druid.

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Barbarian: I knock down the door (rolls a 20)
Bard: Aah, the old Barbarian Lock Picking Skill!

[Xihirli]

Pathfinder game:

Willow the witch, with her familiar, has been trying to put together a comedy routine.
NPC: Love the energy, thank you for pitching this. Is um... is it part of the joke that the fox is leaking blood?
Willow: No, that's just what she does.

Etayne: I need a reason to not be here right now, so I’m going to go pretend to do something.

[KorvinStarmast]

Warlock: The lady next door doesn't seem to like us.
Barbarian: She wants us to get off of her lawn and his lawn.
Warlock: Clintonia Eastwood.

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Cleric: You say the accountant is well dressed?
Clothier: Yes. He does our books about once per quarter, sometimes he orders a new suit.
Cleric: A well-dressed accountant - didn't see that one coming.

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Herr Wachter: Did you kill Strahd yet?
Bard: No, not yet.
Frau Wachter: We need to stop him from coming into the house again.
Bard: Wait, did he already Meet the Wachters?
Warlock: No signs of Robert DeNiro...
Cleric: No cat milking allowed!

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Dr Ronson: I fixed the broken leg of a baby space monkey.

[Necroticplague]

"You seem to believe that might makes right. Ergo, my point will be best made over your dead body."