Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

[Sam113097]

Druid: "It's pig wranglin' time"

Wizard: "Anyone can doot a flute"

Druid: "So we've got a cleric who doesn't heal, a wizard who's also our tank, and a druid who hates tree?"

[ZeroGear]

Spoiler: Reply

Show

Weekly friendship problems not included?

Only if it involves the guards ;>

Dan: "Where are we now?"
June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
Marv: "Ah."

Dan: "Here they come."
MOP: "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! DON'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!"
Dan: "What are you worried about? You're impervious to damage."
MOP: "Do you have any idea how bad tomato juice stains?"

Marv: "I'm scared to look, what's going on outside?"
NH: *singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city."
Marv: "Say what?"
NH, Dan, & June: *all singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city!"
Marv: "I just had to ask."

Marv: "Well this is bad."
Dan: "Yeah, I'd say we're in quite the pickle."
NH: "True, but I'd relish the chance to dice that vegetable menace."
June: "But these aren't just any garden variety monsters, these are seasoned killers."
Dan: "Let's root around, maybe we can dig up some information on these mutant veggies."
Marv: "Why me?"

MOP: "Don't look now, but here comes their assault squad."
Dan: "Assault squad?"
MOP: "Yeah, they look like some mean green mothers."
June: "From outer space?"

June: "Quick! In here!"
NH: "A costume store? Really?"
June: "They'd never suspect it."
NH: "Honestly, neither would I."

Dan: "Feel the power of our steamroller!"
MOP: "Turn on the juice Dan! Let's give 'em the squeeze!"
Marv: "Where did you even get a steamroller?"

Marv: "There you are! Where have you been? And... why are you dressed like a banana?"
NH: "I was told to get in touch with my feminine side."

Marv: "So their weakness is music?
June: "Seems like it?"
Marv: "Any guesses what kind?"
June: "Smashing Pumpkins?"

[Guizonde]

Spoiler

Show

Dan: "Where are we now?"
June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
Marv: "Ah."

Dan: "Here they come."
MOP: "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! DON'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!"
Dan: "What are you worried about? You're impervious to damage."
MOP: "Do you have any idea how bad tomato juice stains?"

Marv: "I'm scared to look, what's going on outside?"
NH: *singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city."
Marv: "Say what?"
NH, Dan, & June: *all singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city!"
Marv: "I just had to ask."

Marv: "Well this is bad."
Dan: "Yeah, I'd say we're in quite the pickle."
NH: "True, but I'd relish the chance to dice that vegetable menace."
June: "But these aren't just any garden variety monsters, these are seasoned killers."
Dan: "Let's root around, maybe we can dig up some information on these mutant veggies."
Marv: "Why me?"

MOP: "Don't look now, but here comes their assault squad."
Dan: "Assault squad?"
MOP: "Yeah, they look like some mean green mothers."
June: "From outer space?"

June: "Quick! In here!"
NH: "A costume store? Really?"
June: "They'd never suspect it."
NH: "Honestly, neither would I."

Dan: "Feel the power of our steamroller!"
MOP: "Turn on the juice Dan! Let's give 'em the squeeze!"
Marv: "Where did you even get a steamroller?"

Marv: "There you are! Where have you been? And... why are you dressed like a banana?"
NH: "I was told to get in touch with my feminine side."

Marv: "So their weakness is music?
June: "Seems like it?"
Marv: "Any guesses what kind?"
June: "Smashing Pumpkins?"

your team is awesome. talk about great puns! also, a giant "what the hell did i read?". which is good, too.

[weet555]

Mel: Jai, what about the gnome?
Jai: ...I don't want to catch what he has.

Bill: I know a guy that can make smoked goggles, back in Not England.
Jai: That's real helpful, real helpful Bill.

Bill: For king and country!!
Mel: Can we cut out his tongue?

[Illogictree]

Spot: "I run for cover!"
SM: "OK, there's a conveniently-placed container truck you can duck behind."
Spot: "What's in it?"
SM: "...Uh, the label on the side says... processed... chicken... substitute?"
Spot: "...So it's a meat shield?"
Alduin: "Imitation meat shield."
Aurelios: "Its brand name is 'I Can't Believe They Thought This Was Chicken'."

[Stevesciguy]

Said by players, not PCs:

G: "WERE ALL THE NON-ABYSS HOTELS BLOODY BOOKED UP?!"

Later in the same game:

T: Is there any problem that can't be fixed with messing sufficiently with the time stream?

Q: We'll probably find the answer that one eventually. Hopefully violence is an applicable answer in its place.

[Imbalance]

"That....is the kind of thing that gives DMs a high hard one. Soooo much to work with"

[JBPuffin]

A: “And so now we work for the magic IRS police.”
B: *exasperated sigh* “How did we get to this point?!”
C: “I’m pretty sure he just told you that.”

[DigoDragon]

Mirror: "I learned how to make gourmet pop rocks."
Doc: "Gourmet what? Pop rocks? That's just that lumps of sugar."
Charity: "Spice. And everything nice."
Mirror: "Pop rocks, not Power Puff Girls!"
Charity: "Pretty sure pop rocks are made with Chemical X."

[Vknight]

Elf : But i want the 2 Million years of research notes in blood magic!! Also totes not my cutie gf


Ninja : And because of the fact i had to leave home at such a young age this suit has grown incredibly small and is one of the last vestiges of my time with my family and good times at that so that is why I'm wearing a fishnet bodysuit

Warrior : My characters girlfriend is frozen for a year but at least i still have my sister!!


Context makes the ninja one worse and better

[DigoDragon]

Azriel: "I'm surrounded by weirdness."
Doc, Mirror, & Charity: *walk into the tavern*
Max: "More an occupational hazard."

Doc: "Did someone call the brute squad?"
Azriel: "I'm on the brute squad."
Doc: "You ARE the brute squad."

GM: "Your genie sucks if you're rubbing Tupperware."

Doc: "I scooted away from the table. The barkeep scooted away from the table. The table scooted away from the table. We comforted the table."

Max: "We need permission to camp up on the wall?"
Farmer: "Aye, the town mayor is not... um... how you say...?"
Doc: "Not in the mood for dealing with our bullery?"
Farmer: "Yeah, that."

Max: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."

Max: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Don't do anything I would do. ...there's a gray middle area in there."

Mirror: "Don't get mustard in that guy's brain!"

Farmer: "Touched the door and he turned to stone."
Doc: "Took the warnings for granite, did he?"

Max: "One was too tall, one was too short, and one was too 'Thank you, ma'am, may I have another?'"

[ZeroGear]

Nova: "How can you even see my stand?
Dan" I'm wearing magic gear."
MOP: "I am Magic gear."
Marv: "I've got optic implants."
NH: "I see magic."
June: "I see dead people."
*BEAT*

Villager1: "She's a Witch!"
Villager2: "Burn her!"
Villager3: "Get the scales and a duck!"
June: "A DUCK?"

Nova: *holds NH like a gun* "I'm warning you, this things loaded! Don't make me use the other end!"
NH: "I DO NOT SHOOT RAINBOW LAZERS OUT MY FLANK!"

Marv: "BEND OVER AND TAKE THIS RUTABAGA!"
Dan: "Phrasing!"

[Personification]

Max: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."

Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?

[DigoDragon]

Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?

Backseat pun. There was a taxi pun that happened the weekend prior when we created characters, but I can't remember the setup.

[TheYell]

SORCERER: Charm Person!
SUMMONER: Don't...
SORCERER: Psychic Casting! She needs to beat a 17.
DM: She gets an 18 before modifiers.
SORCERER: Oops.
DM: The guard captain stares at you and yells, "GET OUT!"


SORCERER: There's a vault in the cave with a combination lock that we'll crack.
MONK: (OOC) did you just tell a halfdragon about a treasure trove?


BARD: Under pretext of helping Monkle, I steal some of your meat. 33 for sleight of hand.
LESHY: 3! Dammit! So I'm watching her walk into the room and steal meat and say nothing??
SUMMONER: With those rolls, she could have entered by the window.


DM: The door opens and out comes...
SUMMONER: A dragon?
LESHY: "Hullo son!"
DM: No!


DM: You bang on the door repeatedly but nobody answers.
SORCERER: knockknockknock "Penny." knockknockknock "Penny". knockknockknock "Penny".

[Vknight]

DM : They turned your ninja arts into a type of Tai Chi based around a Winter goddess

Wanda : No theologians
Benikage : But what about scholars of?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Akra : We have 4 options, theologians, an arcology of farmers, survival of the fittest druids, and super experimental wizards which do we trust more with this job?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Lyn : And i'm your grand niece auntie
Benikage : We can't have been gone that long!
Gm : Its been 168 years or so

[ZeroGear]

(Marv's player was having a bad day)

Marv: "So everyone understand the plan?"
Rest of Group: *murmurs of acknowledgement*
-Later-
Dan: "Nova! That's the wrong side!"
Marv: "NOVA YOU MOOOORRRRROOOOONNNN!!!"

Marv: "You are about as useful as a paper c-nd0-m and twice as thick!"

Nova: "I just ran out of ammo."
Marv: "HOW?"

June: "I wonder what's in here?"
*opens door*
DM: *slids over a note card and plays Sexytime Music*
June: "Squeee!"

NH: "Please stop rubbing my horn, it makes me uncomfortable."

Dan: "Do I even want to know why you're wearing nothing but an apron?"
June: "Well..."
Dan: "Forget it. Here, put this on." *hands her MOP*
June: "Are you sure you'll be ok?"
Dan: "I'll manage."
MOP: "Ooooohhh. Her skin feels so nice!"
Dan: "YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

[bc56]

Player: "I finally understand why you would play Yackety Sax during an escape."

Solas: "I thought we brought the quantum tunneling ball bearings!"

[Telok]

"Ooh, the starship fairies upgraded the shields and jump drive while we were out. How nice. Did they give us bigger guns too?"

[Guizonde]

Spoiler: very poor taste

Show

militia: dude, the doc's horrible.
belsunce: yeah, he went overboard.
dm: what happened?
belsunce: he raped someone. more importantly, a female corpse.
dm: ok, that's pretty bad.
militia: the kicker is that it was our female corpse!
dm: so, you're telling me you two girls object to the kill-steal more than the atrocity of corpse desecration?
militia and belsunce: OBVIOUSLY!!

dm: hey malax, could you tone it down a bit?
malax: what? i'm overpowered?
dm: no, you're sick.
malax: oooooooh, that!

militia: can we get another doctor? this one's broken. and probably not even house-broken.
malax: i so am house-broken! look!
belsunce: i'd rather die in horrible pain than let this freak touch me.
dm: that can be arranged.

[AdmiralCheez]

- "How do you even get your flask through that environmental suit?"
- "A technomancer never reveals his secrets."

- "Oh dang, I'm going to have to keep track of cigarettes again."

- "I may be a pile of ancient animated flesh, but I can still see you gesturing to your pilot. I'm afraid no jump engines can outrun the parking fees you owe to the spaceport transit authority. How would you like to begin your payment?"

- "I'm gonna cross Necromancy Planet off my vacation bucket list. Let's never go back there."

- "If we act quickly, we can erase our names from the registration papers on our ship, and maybe we won't get blamed if the galaxy is destroyed."

[NRSASD]

Imogen: What's the potion seller's name?
DM: Ummm... Albert?
Cornelia: Geraldine.
Imogen: the Moderate.
DM: Married.
Cornelia: Esquire.
Imogen: How do we know all this?
DM: It's on the sign above the door. "Albert Geraldine the Moderate. Married. Esquire's. Potion Shoppe."

Imogen: I feel a sense of excitement briefly at my first ever theft, followed by overwhelming guilt.
Cornelia: Why? I thought you were a noble. Stealing is like taxing, just sudden like.
Imogen: Good point! I'll write Geraldine a note and slip it under the door to apologize. "Move to Stonebridge! We won't tax you for a year since I stole your potion. Great tax incentives for small businessmen :D. Don't be here in a month."
DM: Albert takes one look at your note and flees the country that night. Living out the rest of his days under a false identity, "Geraldine Albert the Excessive. Single. Peasant."

Cornelia: We're here for Edgar; whom some call, Edgur.

[TheYell]

TAMIEN: Odds are, one of us is the Chosen One.
BAMBI: We could be the Chosen Two!
ATHENA: There can be only ONE!!!

[AdmiralCheez]

"On the plus side, your character gets to ride the bone tube for the rest of eternity."

"I would normally regret giving you guys the bone tube, but it was right there in the book."

"Oh, yeah, that whole plot thing. The whole reason for the entire setup of the campaign. I forgot about that. I'm just gonna go ahead and pick a different spell."

[ZeroGear]

Nova: "So... we just mix the rust with the aluminum powder and wait?"
June: "Pretty much. Though you may not want to look directly at the..."
*FWOSH*
Nova: "I'M BLIND!!!!!!!!"

Marv: "It doesn't look too serious. You'll be able to see again in a few days. Just keep the blindfold on for now."
MOP: "Great. How is he supposed to run missions now?"
Nova: "I'll just feel it out."
*squish*
*SLAP!*
Nova: "...that felt painful."

NH: "I did not volunteer to be a seeing-eye-pony!"

June: "Three... two... one..."
*distant explosion*
June: "And boom goes the dynamite."

Dan: "Anyone see find the vault?"
Nova: "There it is!"
Rest of party: *turns to look*
Nova: "Is what someone else will say when they find it."


Marv: "What's in the room?"
Dan: "Well...Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama. Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama..."
MOP: "DUCK!"
Marv: "What?" *gets hit with a pie*

June: "And...I have no idea where we are now."
Nova: "Mind if I see the map?"
June: "Sure, here... Why do you insist on doing that?"
Nova: "What? I don't see any problems."
NH: "I'd rather not have the blind leading the blind."

Marv: "Why is it that every mission we somehow end up getting separated?"
Dan: "Malicious intent from higher beings intent on deriving joy from our suffering and ill-fated circumstances?"
Marv: "So [one above all] just hates us?"
Dan: "I don't know, I'm a Pastafarian."

Nova: "I'm... cured? I CAN SEE!"
*flashbang goes of*
Nova: "MY EYES!!!!!!!!"

[ZamielVanWeber]

'gir: My blade guide has just informed me that Tiamat does have a father who might be angry if she dies, so I will put her under the 'maybe' column.

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: What?

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: Kyuss is like a practice run.

Quortle: 'gir...

[Telok]

Velon: I open the door.
DM: Five Elven Imperial Navy marines with las guns full-auto you. There's an elf at the end of the line with command insignia looking smug.
Lobos: We forgot to shoot the security camera didn't we?
Velon: Reaction to cast Jaunt as a dodge.
DM: Smug elf reacts to dispel.
<rolls><rolls><rolls>
Velon: Crit two to the body.
DM: The chart says... Some internal organs are now medium rare. Take 1d5 fatigue.
Velon: KO.
Lobos: At least you aren't on fire this time.

[Spookykid]

druid: act casual and fit in
awakened pony: moo

[Vknight]

William : Look i got a magical spine
Party Sighs : We know
(Light context its only the first session and yes)


Towin : I wanna meet a princess
Luke : The princess taught me swordplay


DM : Luke and Leaf what are you doing
Luke : Yeah Luke what are you doing?
Leaf : Your Luke.

[TheYell]

DM: Whatever you want to order, it's her treat.
LESHY: I want the rarest, most expensive meat on the menu!
BAMBI: "This comes from another planet, it's called 'Chef Boyardee'!"

TAMIEN: Can I get surf and turf? Flaming cow and reefclaw?

BAMBI: You said no spells on them! Not no spells on you!
MORAVI: I said NO SPELLS!

MORAVI: Awesome! I stole the Gloves of Larceny!
BAMBI: Is there a reward out for you now?

BAMBI: I have a cunning plan...but you're keeping secrets, so nyahh!