Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Bartmanhomer]

All condolences to you Bartmanhomer

Thank you. I feel a little bit better compared to Friday.

[AstralSeal]

I am sorry if this is in the wrong place. I need to vent, and I'd also like some advice. My mother has always ignored my struggles. Recently she suggested some ADHD resources to my brother. I feel a bit jealous because she has always ignored or mocked my problems but when he has an issue she helps him. In addition, I feel a bit jealous that he has a disorder to explain his behaviour and I am just annoying and need to stop being myself. Does anyone have any tips for managing jealousy?

Spoiler: The Long Version/Vent

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I learned recently that my mother thought she had ADHD and then a few days after that I learned she sent resources to my brother on how to get diagnosed for ADHD. I told her it was heritable*. She knows I have been struggling with school. But she decides to send resources to my brother. And both of them think they have it and neither has researched it. Meanwhile, for the last three months I was having trouble in school and with other stuff, and she asked if I was depressed before yelling at me for being irritable. And then when my mood swung the other way she asked if I was manic and then completely forgot it happened when I tried to question her about it recently. Where are my resources for depression and bipolar? If she thought I had serious, life-altering mental illnesses why didn't she look into them like she did for him? And this is not the first time she had overlooked or dismissed a problem I had.
I used to have tics, and she would get mad at me for having them, because the noise and the motions bothered her, but everyone else is allowed to make loud noises even though they hurt my ears. And I couldn't control my tics but she can control how loud she talks and how loud the radio is. And she was told by a psychologist that I might have dysgraphia and then she chose to ignore that. And she keeps trying to get me to make friends, and join clubs, and associate with my extended family, but I don't want to. I don't like being around strangers. And then she makes me feel bad about not wanting to socialize. And everyone makes fun of my phobias. And I get mocked for hating needles, even though they do hurt. Why do I have to argue that I am feeling pain? And I'm always getting in trouble for not liking her food, but the flavours are too strong. And the smells of so many foods are repulsive, and I'll try to leave the room so that they can enjoy their food and I won't feel sick, but then she tells me I'm being rude. And if I eat fish and they don't like the smell I get in trouble. And she knows I hate eyes and I hate when the pictures are watching me, but she makes fun of me when I get rid of them. And when I can't sleep properly she just tells me to go to bed earlier, but I still can't sleep. And they keep making joke statements or ask rhetorical question and then they get mad when I answer, but they know I can't always tell when they are joking and that I can't resist answering the question. But when my brother thinks he has ADHD suddenly she is supportive. And when he talks about things she listens to him and doesn't try to get out of the conversation. And when he complains she listens to him, but if I complain I'm whining and I need to stop. If you made it to the end of this, sorry. I know it's a bit disorganized. I just needed to share this somewhere.
*I don't have ADHD. But since I was struggling in school and I told her it was hereditary, she could have at least considered it.

[Form]

I am sorry if this is in the wrong place. I need to vent, and I'd also like some advice. My mother has always ignored my struggles. Recently she suggested some ADHD resources to my brother. I feel a bit jealous because she has always ignored or mocked my problems but when he has an issue she helps him. In addition, I feel a bit jealous that he has a disorder to explain his behaviour and I am just annoying and need to stop being myself. Does anyone have any tips for managing jealousy?

Spoiler: The Long Version/Vent

Show

I learned recently that my mother thought she had ADHD and then a few days after that I learned she sent resources to my brother on how to get diagnosed for ADHD. I told her it was heritable*. She knows I have been struggling with school. But she decides to send resources to my brother. And both of them think they have it and neither has researched it. Meanwhile, for the last three months I was having trouble in school and with other stuff, and she asked if I was depressed before yelling at me for being irritable. And then when my mood swung the other way she asked if I was manic and then completely forgot it happened when I tried to question her about it recently. Where are my resources for depression and bipolar? If she thought I had serious, life-altering mental illnesses why didn't she look into them like she did for him? And this is not the first time she had overlooked or dismissed a problem I had.
I used to have tics, and she would get mad at me for having them, because the noise and the motions bothered her, but everyone else is allowed to make loud noises even though they hurt my ears. And I couldn't control my tics but she can control how loud she talks and how loud the radio is. And she was told by a psychologist that I might have dysgraphia and then she chose to ignore that. And she keeps trying to get me to make friends, and join clubs, and associate with my extended family, but I don't want to. I don't like being around strangers. And then she makes me feel bad about not wanting to socialize. And everyone makes fun of my phobias. And I get mocked for hating needles, even though they do hurt. Why do I have to argue that I am feeling pain? And I'm always getting in trouble for not liking her food, but the flavours are too strong. And the smells of so many foods are repulsive, and I'll try to leave the room so that they can enjoy their food and I won't feel sick, but then she tells me I'm being rude. And if I eat fish and they don't like the smell I get in trouble. And she knows I hate eyes and I hate when the pictures are watching me, but she makes fun of me when I get rid of them. And when I can't sleep properly she just tells me to go to bed earlier, but I still can't sleep. And they keep making joke statements or ask rhetorical question and then they get mad when I answer, but they know I can't always tell when they are joking and that I can't resist answering the question. But when my brother thinks he has ADHD suddenly she is supportive. And when he talks about things she listens to him and doesn't try to get out of the conversation. And when he complains she listens to him, but if I complain I'm whining and I need to stop. If you made it to the end of this, sorry. I know it's a bit disorganized. I just needed to share this somewhere.
*I don't have ADHD. But since I was struggling in school and I told her it was hereditary, she could have at least considered it.

I can't say anything about your family's dynamic or the interactions between you as I don't know enough to say anything of value, so I'm not going touch on that. Do you at least have a friend, someone you get along well with, that you can talk to and turn to for emotional support? Aside from that, is there a guidance counselor at your school whom you can talk to about these things? If you feel you're not getting enough or the right kind of support from your family then it can be useful to turn to a trusted person outside of your direct family, such as a guidance counselor.

[AstralSeal]

I have tried to talk to friends about stuff, but they never seem to understand. They think these things I do are just quirks and I can't seem to make them understand how much misery they cause me. And when they do acknowledge that I am not happy they blame it on the pandemic even though these are problems I've had since before high school and they always ignore it when I tell them that the social isolation of the pandemic has been really good for me. And recently I brought up the ADHD jealousy thing, and one of my friends said maybe I feel jealous because I have ADHD. Except I have researched ADHD and I do not have the symptoms and I said that. And then she said the same thing about how maybe I have ADHD. And then in the same conversation when I brought up possibly having dysgraphia she told me not to worry about the past and that if I had made it this far it didn't matter.
One of my friends told me our university has free counselling, so I could try that. I just don't have a lot of faith in counsellors. I'll probably just get told to stop caring what other people think, get more sleep, and make new friends/join clubs. It seems to be the standard advice.
Thank you for your suggestions. They are appreciated.

[Bartmanhomer]

I have tried to talk to friends about stuff, but they never seem to understand. They think these things I do are just quirks and I can't seem to make them understand how much misery they cause me. And when they do acknowledge that I am not happy they blame it on the pandemic even though these are problems I've had since before high school and they always ignore it when I tell them that the social isolation of the pandemic has been really good for me. And recently I brought up the ADHD jealousy thing, and one of my friends said maybe I feel jealous because I have ADHD. Except I have researched ADHD and I do not have the symptoms and I said that. And then she said the same thing about how maybe I have ADHD. And then in the same conversation when I brought up possibly having dysgraphia she told me not to worry about the past and that if I had made it this far it didn't matter.
One of my friends told me our university has free counseling, so I could try that. I just don't have a lot of faith in counselors. I'll probably just get told to stop caring what other people think, get more sleep, and make new friends/join clubs. It seems to be the standard advice.
Thank you for your suggestions. They are appreciated.

I got ADHD as well and it doesn't sound like they're very supportive of you. It's best to dump them.

Anyway, I feel so much better compared to a few days ago. I have spoken to a few people about the former student's death plus the staff member at my job today. I'm trying hard not to lash out my anger and blame people for it because I just can't handle death very well also the pandemic and today's society in addition to it. I'm glad that I'm talking about it now because it makes me feel better not to hold it in.

[2D8HP]

Well, my roommate’s surgery is scheduled for February 14th (yes, on Valentine’s Day), and from a CT scan it increasingly looks like she has cancer, though a biopsy is still needed, but they’re likely to scoop out a lot (a full hysterectomy) “in case”.

My roommate is scared, she cries from fear and from physical pain (which is steadily getting worse).

We did have a nice time together the other week in Golden Gate Park visiting the tea garden and feeding a squirrel where she smiled a lot but did tell me she’d like a memorial park bench, so yeah she’s thinking death may be near.

She had cancer once before and seemed to beat it, but things don’t look well.

This week a girlfriend of hers came by and kept her company, she’d like more but “they all have kids and live far away”.

On Friday some of we men who live near all met in her bedroom and had sort of a living wake: me who is still a married man, our bartender who’s known her for decades - but while he loves her he’s in-love with his girlfriend and also has spoken of going back to his ex-wife, and her high school prom date in the 1980’s - who loves her but is gay. So none of us her “SO”, but all men who love her. She was told that her surgeon would call (he didn’t), and we were to be her “brothers” listening in and asking questions. Instead we made her laugh, and I brought her dinner.

Being who she was there was a benefit concert for her medical bills, organized by another man who loves her but is happily married.

Her long previous battle with cancer left her penniless but she’s “wealthy in friends” but of all her many friends I’m the only one who lives near, owns a car, and may get time off work.

Much has changed in the last year for me: the night of February 13th, 2021 was the evening my love for my wife faded away with her words of “stop living in the past” to me, and my future roommate was just a lady that had attended a few of the same parties as me back in the late ‘80’s and who I had mutual friends with - since then my love for my wife has come back some while at the same time my love for my roommate has grown (and a third woman graced me with my first kiss in 18 years but I never fell in love with her, for me dates alone can’t compete with domestic life).when I was more sick my roommate was kind in words and deeds, in contrast to my wife who’s reaction was to do research and make sure of financial matters.

I really don’t know what would be the wisest course, and I’ve doubt about what would be the most virtuous actions to take.

As of now I come to my wife’s house on the weekend and teach her 17 year old son to drive, a boy who’s always called me “dad”, and during the week I’ve been taking a lot of time off just to be able to drive my roommate to her hospital visits and take her to meals and hold her hand when she cries.

None of this is easy.

[Lycunadari]

Not really looking for advise, just need a place to vent.

Spoiler

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I'm planning on telling my sister about being a CSA survivor today, and I'm extremely nervous. I've talked it through with my therapist, I'm as prepared as I can be, but I still don't feel ready. But I don't think I'll ever really feel ready. I've kept this secret for 10+ years (it happened when I was 7 but I had completely suppressed the memory for many years) and I'd sworn to myself that I'd never ever tell anyone about it- mostly to protect my abuser from the negative reaction of my family, but also because I'm worried of not being believed. But I've realised in therapy that keeping this secret is making me sick- literally, I've a bunch of mental health diagnoses as well as chronic pain and chronic fatigue, probably fibromyalgia; all things known to be correlated with trauma. I've been told by my therapist and other health professionals that I likely wont get better until I've "dealt" with the trauma. And a crucial part of that is to stop hiding this. I've done as much as I can with working on acceptance, dealing with triggers etc. All that's left is finally sharing this secret, so I don't have to carry this alone, so it can stop suffocating me. And I'm kind of running out of time- insurance will only pay for 6 more sessions with my therapist and I want to get it over with while I still have the help of my therapist to deal with any potential fallout.
But I kind of hate myself for not being able to keep the promise I made to myself (to never talk about it, ever). Hate myself because I'm going to ruin my sister's day. Hating myself for potentially ruining her (good) relationship with my abuser (who's another family member). I don't hate them. I don't want anyone else to hate them. I especially don't want anyone to hate them because of me. I can't say I've forgiven them- I don't know if I can ever fully forgive them. But I don't hate them, and I actually have a mostly-good relationship with them myself. Good with some ugly spots I prefer to ignore. I probably hate myself more than I hate them, which I realise is far from a healthy reaction...
But I need to do this. I need to do this so after 20 years I can finally truly start to heal. So the little hurt kid inside of me can finally heal. I'm just so f*cking scared.

[LaZodiac]

Hey, think of it this way.

You told us. You can tell your sister. You've got this; and holding this inside was just hurting you. It's better to clear that air.

And with regards to the "what if I ruin her day?" stuff... if she lets this ruin her day, that's on her. You're allowed to exist, and sometimes that includes something like this. You deserve catharsis.

[Florian]

@2D8HP:

Normally, some values like duty and so on are very good things and should be applauded. But they also need to be balanced by a good sense of self and when you feel comfortable with making certain sacrifizes. Reading your current dilemma, I get the feeling that you are too stuck in thinking about what it is you should do, how you are expected to decide and act instead of taking one or two steps back, thinking about what it is you want and also just listening to what other people want.

So your wife has decided that she basically wants your money and support but not you?
So the woman that would actually be interested in you will prolly not be able to have kids?

So, unless you define yourself by your role as a "family guy", what exactly is the problem?

You wife has decided against you as a person a long time ago.
The children can decide whether they keep treating you as their dad, they don't need you for this, just be ready to leave that door open.
The lady who actually cares about you can't bear any children. Does this really have anything to do with whetzher you can imagine spending your life with her?

So.....

[Lycunadari]

@LaZodiac: thank you, I think this gave me the little push I needed to actually talk to her.

Well, I did talk to her. Turns out she was actually also abused, by the same person and even around the same time. That's a bit more solidarity than I'd hoped for... But talking helped, and hopefully it helped her as well, considering she has also never told anyone before.

[Florian]

@LaZodiac: thank you, I think this gave me the little push I needed to actually talk to her.

Well, I did talk to her. Turns out she was actually also abused, by the same person and even around the same time. That's a bit more solidarity than I'd hoped for... But talking helped, and hopefully it helped her as well, considering she has also never told anyone before.

Curious, right, that everyone always thinks they are alone, thge only victim, they are the one to blame and so on.

[LaZodiac]

@LaZodiac: thank you, I think this gave me the little push I needed to actually talk to her.

Well, I did talk to her. Turns out she was actually also abused, by the same person and even around the same time. That's a bit more solidarity than I'd hoped for... But talking helped, and hopefully it helped her as well, considering she has also never told anyone before.

Unfortunate, bittersweet, but still a happy moment, I feel. Glad things went well, hope you two can find a brighter path from here on out, now that this weight is lifted.

[halfeye]

@LaZodiac: thank you, I think this gave me the little push I needed to actually talk to her.

Well, I did talk to her. Turns out she was actually also abused, by the same person and even around the same time. That's a bit more solidarity than I'd hoped for... But talking helped, and hopefully it helped her as well, considering she has also never told anyone before.

I searched CSA, came up with all sorts of irrelevant stuff, what do you mean by it?

[LaZodiac]

I searched CSA, came up with all sorts of irrelevant stuff, what do you mean by it?

Spoiler: Potentially Triggering full form of an acronym

Show

Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Grey Watcher]

I swear I'm suffering some kind of sympathetic exhaustion.

My fiancé got a week's worth of work this week and it's long, grueling twelve hour days. We've been pretty broke lately so the oppurtunity to make $3,500 in a week was just too good to pass up, but he really can't keep up with this kind of thing the way he could when he was younger (understandable). But somehow, I'm also just completely exhausted and drained. I'm supposed to helping keep up the house while he's out, which is more or less within my capabilities, but I just can't keep up. (Ironically, I'm sleeping better lately, you'd think that'd help.)

I dunno, maybe it's that, maybe it's just everything getting to me.

I probably need a therapist, but I can't really bring myself to care that much, since therapy has just been a bunch of useless talking in circles anyway.

[Liquor Box]

I swear I'm suffering some kind of sympathetic exhaustion.

My fiancé got a week's worth of work this week and it's long, grueling twelve hour days. We've been pretty broke lately so the oppurtunity to make $3,500 in a week was just too good to pass up, but he really can't keep up with this kind of thing the way he could when he was younger (understandable). But somehow, I'm also just completely exhausted and drained. I'm supposed to helping keep up the house while he's out, which is more or less within my capabilities, but I just can't keep up. (Ironically, I'm sleeping better lately, you'd think that'd help.)

I dunno, maybe it's that, maybe it's just everything getting to me.

I probably need a therapist, but I can't really bring myself to care that much, since therapy has just been a bunch of useless talking in circles anyway.

I get the feeling that there may be more to this, not included in this post. But if you are exhausted after keeping the house, and it sounds like you are pretty unmotivated, perhaps a visit to your GP is best. They might be well placed to help you investigate whether more therapy would be helpful, or whether there's a physical problem which might be troubling you (like an underactive thyroid).

[Grey Watcher]

I get the feeling that there may be more to this, not included in this post. But if you are exhausted after keeping the house, and it sounds like you are pretty unmotivated, perhaps a visit to your GP is best. They might be well placed to help you investigate whether more therapy would be helpful, or whether there's a physical problem which might be troubling you (like an underactive thyroid).

Nah, I had blood work a couple of months ago, nothing like that. Plus I don't trust her. Last time I saw her she just assumed I had back pain and seemed skeptical when I corrected her. I need to get a new one I actually trust.

And yeah, there's more. There's everything.

[Liquor Box]

Nah, I had blood work a couple of months ago, nothing like that. Plus I don't trust her. Last time I saw her she just assumed I had back pain and seemed skeptical when I corrected her. I need to get a new one I actually trust.

And yeah, there's more. There's everything.

If you don't have much faith in your ordinary GP, why not try a different one?

[Grey Watcher]

If you don't have much faith in your ordinary GP, why not try a different one?

I've been meaning to, but the sapped motivation (which, to be fair, isn't a problem confined to this week, it just feels worse) tends to keep me from it.

I dunno, just the medical problems and the inability to find work and everything else. I just fundamentally don't get how other people, like, live. Yeah, yeah, I know no one's life is as good as it looks on social media, but other people manage to, like, have jobs? Get to 40 and have SOMETHING to show for it, even if that something is just "a whole lot of memories from all the stuff I did in my 20's and 30's".

[Sir_Norbert]

I know that feeling, for sure. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 24. I spent the next six years caring for her while working part-time -- sure, not exactly nothing, but also not a source of great memories. Then I was left with nothing except depression and I couldn't lift myself up, and so here I am, nearly 40, trying to make a new start and knowing that even if I manage it, what's left to me is far, far less than I could have had.

Also in the same position of never having had any help from GPs. I pretty much stay out of their way now because it's so frustrating and exhausting trying to talk to the same old brick wall.

So yeah, you have my sympathy. Hope you will be okay.

[halfeye]

I've been meaning to, but the sapped motivation (which, to be fair, isn't a problem confined to this week, it just feels worse) tends to keep me from it.

I dunno, just the medical problems and the inability to find work and everything else. I just fundamentally don't get how other people, like, live. Yeah, yeah, I know no one's life is as good as it looks on social media, but other people manage to, like, have jobs? Get to 40 and have SOMETHING to show for it, even if that something is just "a whole lot of memories from all the stuff I did in my 20's and 30's".

How does GP medicine work over there? here I have a local practice with about eight GPs in it, and another practice with several more in the same building (which is unusual, but in a big town like this there are other practices within walking distance). Getting an appointment with a GP is painful, most appointments are made on the day, you have to dial in at 8am, and keep dialing until you get onto the hold queue, then hang on untll the receptionist answers and makes the appointment, by about 8.30 am that day's appointments will be booked.

[2D8HP]

Came into work and found out that a third of the crew (five guys) is out due to having Covid.

As for myself (while less than it was) I still have a fungal infection in my lungs that’s given me Covid-ish symptoms for almost two years so I have to often take the Covid test to know and can’t guess based on just symptoms.

Fortunately I got a negative test result late last week, as did my beloved roommate, to be safe I just got a test this morning, as did five of the seven on the crew who showed up this morning.

If I get a positive result I don’t know where I’ll live, if I stay with my wife and the kids (as I usually do on the weekends) while my wife and her older son are vaccinated the younger one isn’t l, and that’s three I put at risk, if I stay with my roommates (as I usually do during the week), while it’s easier to avoid them there, that’s still two I put at risk, and the lady has a compromised immune system, plus I just plain love her and don’t want to put her at risk.

[Willie the Duck]

I dunno, just the medical problems and the inability to find work and everything else. I just fundamentally don't get how other people, like, live. Yeah, yeah, I know no one's life is as good as it looks on social media, but other people manage to, like, have jobs? Get to 40 and have SOMETHING to show for it, even if that something is just "a whole lot of memories from all the stuff I did in my 20's and 30's".

I don't know if this helps any, but I'm in my 40s, have beaten back my medical disabilities to a known limitation rather than an active problem, have an executive job, and spend entire too much of my free mental processing cycles wondering when this will all seem as easy as my dad made it look when I was 10 and worrying that it's all a few crises away from falling apart. I feel that there are three types of people in the world: the unfathomably blessed, those who worry about where they are in life or their stability in that position, and people who really ought to do that worrying.

If I get a positive result I don’t know where I’ll live, if I stay with my wife and the kids (as I usually do on the weekends) while my wife and her older son are vaccinated the younger one isn’t l, and that’s three I put at risk, if I stay with my roommates (as I usually do during the week), while it’s easier to avoid them there, that’s still two I put at risk, and the lady has a compromised immune system, plus I just plain love her and don’t want to put her at risk.

I'd offer our basement apartment, but it's a heck of a drive from Frisco. Is a Motel-8 -type place in the budget? Not that it would be kind to subject hospitality workers to the risk, but presumably they would wear PPE when they clean up.

[2D8HP]

[…]
I'd offer our basement apartment, but it's a heck of a drive from Frisco. Is a Motel-8 -type place in the budget? Not that it would be kind to subject hospitality workers to the risk, but presumably they would wear PPE when they clean up.

Thanks @Willie the Duck, two negative result Covid tests so far for me this last week, roomie also tested negative
*whew*
Though we both seem to have some cold symptoms (and when she had more nasal congestion she sounded even more adorable).

[Kesnit]

I suspect I know what people are going to say. I just think I need people to say it...

I have a friend who is 19 years my junior. He had a rough, somewhat religious upbringing and what he was taught does not match the way his life has developed. He was also raised with toxic masculinity and has difficulty expressing his emotions. My friend group accepts him the way he is, which throws him for a loop because he cannot wrap his head around people being nice to him and wanting to spend time with him.

He recently lost his job due to lashing out at a bully at work. This was the last straw, and his long-term depression kicked in. Although I do not think he is suicidal any more, I don't think it would take much for him to get to that point.

I want to help him and show him that we really do care about him. He's asked me to come by and hang out with him and I told him I should be able to spend time with him tomorrow. However, my stress levels are going through the roof and my BS is being screwy. (I have T2D that is mostly controlled, but sometimes my BS crashes because I workout too hard and don't eat enough carbs.)

I want to help him. I want to spend time with him. But I can barely get my brain to function and know it will take time to get myself back under control. (I've had to correct a lot of typos while writing this because my fingers are not responding the way they should.) What energy I have need to go to getting myself though work tomorrow and I don't know if I'll have the capacity to spend time with him tomorrow.)

What can I do?

[Liquor Box]

I suspect I know what people are going to say. I just think I need people to say it...

I have a friend who is 19 years my junior. He had a rough, somewhat religious upbringing and what he was taught does not match the way his life has developed. He was also raised with toxic masculinity and has difficulty expressing his emotions. My friend group accepts him the way he is, which throws him for a loop because he cannot wrap his head around people being nice to him and wanting to spend time with him.

He recently lost his job due to lashing out at a bully at work. This was the last straw, and his long-term depression kicked in. Although I do not think he is suicidal any more, I don't think it would take much for him to get to that point.

I want to help him and show him that we really do care about him. He's asked me to come by and hang out with him and I told him I should be able to spend time with him tomorrow. However, my stress levels are going through the roof and my BS is being screwy. (I have T2D that is mostly controlled, but sometimes my BS crashes because I workout too hard and don't eat enough carbs.)

I want to help him. I want to spend time with him. But I can barely get my brain to function and know it will take time to get myself back under control. (I've had to correct a lot of typos while writing this because my fingers are not responding the way they should.) What energy I have need to go to getting myself though work tomorrow and I don't know if I'll have the capacity to spend time with him tomorrow.)

What can I do?

If he is more of a man type, and not the type to want to spend the day discussing how he feels, the best thing a friend can do is spend time with him. Not pressing him to discuss his emotions, or even necessarily discussing his situation with having lost his job, unless he wants to. Perhaps just watching a bit of sport and chilling.

If what you are asking is whether you should be the person to do that given your own lack of energy and health complaints, only you can answer that. If you are genuinely struggling, and think it would drain you to spend time with him though, I don't think you should feel guilty for not doing so.

[dehro]

Involve a third party, to share the physical and emotional load.
Be up front with them, both the third party/other friend and the person you want to bring comfort to

[Smoutwortel]

Today my father snapped and told us and mom he regretted us and mom, because just as his job we gave him not enough space. He also expressed the intent to move out(mind you not divorce, because he considers it irresponsible to leave us and mom without a main income).
The walk up involved my brother refusing to go and fetch the phone he left in a rental car we rented and my sister lashing out about a subject we still don't understand and involved pizza.

[Kesnit]

I'm just looking for some outside thoughts on this...

I'm a lawyer and work in a government job. I'm 5 years into Public Service Loan Forgiveness, with 5 more years to go. I live in one state and am licensed and work in another. I am not licensed where I live.

For the past few years, I've been getting very frustrated with my job. For the most part, I like it. But there have been several times when my boss has thrown me under the bus. Sometimes for things I did and he overreacted. Sometimes I got blamed for things that were not my fault. Normally, this would be a sign to move on to a new job. However, we have a house we really like, and finding a job where I am licensed would involve having to move.

My alternative is to get licensed where I live, which can be done one of two ways. One way is to apply to waive the Bar exam. The other is to take this state's Bar. I would prefer to waive in as the Bar is a nightmare. (I've taken it twice before in 2 states.) But when I looked at the waiver application, it requires me to list about 20 references (none of whom are a relative), some of whom have to have seen me practice law. Since the idea is to keep this quiet, I would be very limited in who I could list as a professional reference. I just don't think I can find that many people! My other option is the take this state's Bar Exam. This would require me to also take a Bar preparation class while working full time. I've done that before (for the 2nd Bar I took) and know it can be done, but it is killer.

Part of me thinks I am nuts for thinking of this, but I just don't think I can plow my way through another 5 years where I am now.

[Peelee]

I'm just looking for some outside thoughts on this...

I'm a lawyer and work in a government job. I'm 5 years into Public Service Loan Forgiveness, with 5 more years to go. I live in one state and am licensed and work in another. I am not licensed where I live.

For the past few years, I've been getting very frustrated with my job. For the most part, I like it. But there have been several times when my boss has thrown me under the bus. Sometimes for things I did and he overreacted. Sometimes I got blamed for things that were not my fault. Normally, this would be a sign to move on to a new job. However, we have a house we really like, and finding a job where I am licensed would involve having to move.

My alternative is to get licensed where I live, which can be done one of two ways. One way is to apply to waive the Bar exam. The other is to take this state's Bar. I would prefer to waive in as the Bar is a nightmare. (I've taken it twice before in 2 states.) But when I looked at the waiver application, it requires me to list about 20 references (none of whom are a relative), some of whom have to have seen me practice law. Since the idea is to keep this quiet, I would be very limited in who I could list as a professional reference. I just don't think I can find that many people! My other option is the take this state's Bar Exam. This would require me to also take a Bar preparation class while working full time. I've done that before (for the 2nd Bar I took) and know it can be done, but it is killer.

Part of me thinks I am nuts for thinking of this, but I just don't think I can plow my way through another 5 years where I am now.

Would you find it helpful if I had a source where you could discuss this with other lawyers and see what their responses and advice may be?