A Monster for Every Season: Summer 2
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  1. - Top - End - #691
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    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Just had to re-install windows on my laptop after it froze yesterday evening, and wouldn't properly boot up all day: The option said "keep all files" but apparently, that was a lie....

    Luckily, all of my schoolwork including my thesis-in-progress is intact in the university OneDrive (thank whatever supreme being one feels is appropriate), but I also had a document filled with story ideas, a desktop screen with one side filled with short stories/ideas/quick write-ups of whatever was fizzing in my mind at the time, and a campaign setting worth about >6000 words..... and those all seem to be gone.

    I should be able to retrieve an old version of the setting since I remember uploading a version somewhere early-last year, and I still got the setting map in Inkarnate to work with, but still. Sure, the schoolwork is alright, but I probably lost more story ideas and half-worked out concepts than I can even remember from the past few years. Stuff that got me through the 'rona isolation period and the like. It's really getting me down atm.

  2. - Top - End - #692
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Taevyr View Post
    Just had to re-install windows on my laptop after it froze yesterday evening, and wouldn't properly boot up all day: The option said "keep all files" but apparently, that was a lie....

    Luckily, all of my schoolwork including my thesis-in-progress is intact in the university OneDrive (thank whatever supreme being one feels is appropriate), but I also had a document filled with story ideas, a desktop screen with one side filled with short stories/ideas/quick write-ups of whatever was fizzing in my mind at the time, and a campaign setting worth about >6000 words..... and those all seem to be gone.

    I should be able to retrieve an old version of the setting since I remember uploading a version somewhere early-last year, and I still got the setting map in Inkarnate to work with, but still. Sure, the schoolwork is alright, but I probably lost more story ideas and half-worked out concepts than I can even remember from the past few years. Stuff that got me through the 'rona isolation period and the like. It's really getting me down atm.
    been there multiple times back in the early days of windows 95, and me having access to hand me down laptops.
    I lost a lot of teenage writing experimental writing that way... in hindsight, it probably wasn't very good, but it still sucked, so I feel your pain.
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  3. - Top - End - #693
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    My life feels like a relentless storm of problems lately, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

    Spoiler: this is probably going to be long
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    First, my girlfriend and I broke up (again) a couple weeks ago, this time probably for good. We both want to try and remain friends, but I at least will need time before I'm ready for that. So that sucks, but now I don't even really have time to feel bad about that anymore.

    Next, my cat recently had a urinary tract infection, for the 2nd time this year. She's 13 years old, and the vet recently checked her for diabetes or kidney disease, for which she was thankfully negative. However, they thought she might possibly have a bladder tumor and want to see her again for that once the UTI is cleared up. Then on Wednesday morning I kept seeing her squatting on things like my gym bag, some clothes, etc. like she was going to pee on them (she generally doesn't pee outside her litter box unless it's really nasty, which it wasn't). She didn't actually pee though, so I don't know what that means. The vet wants to see her but the earliest I can get there is Monday, because...

    My parents, who are in their mid-late 70s with a list of health problems that I would probably run out the character limit trying to detail, needed my help for a bunch of household maintenance things over the Thanksgiving holiday: the basement stairway railing broke, a closet doorknob broke, the molding on the threshold between the living room and kitchen broke, there's a bunch of groceries and other stuff that they're short on because the service they use to get groceries delivered is terrible and incompetent (I can go to the very same stores and find 100% of the things they claim are out of stock), and probably a half dozen other projects that I can't think of right now. All of which got put on the back burner because...

    My dad is currently in the hospital. He was holding on to the aforementioned stairway railing when it broke, and fell. Somehow he was not injured in that fall, but then he foolishly decided to keep using the stairs with no railing to hold on to, and fell a second time in as many days. This time he did hurt his back and is now in the hospital, which means that A) our Thanksgiving was completely ruined, B) the only able-bodied person in the house is now out of commission, C) I have to do literally everything for my mom while I'm home because she can't even get out the door by herself, and D) I can only do this until Sunday because I have to go back to work on Monday, 200 miles away. I have no siblings and no nearby relatives who can be relied upon to help.

    I've reached the conclusion that my parents cannot live independently anymore and need to start the process of moving into a retirement community. I sort of have my mom on board with the idea, although she has completely unrealistic ideas about how easy it will be to clear out all the junk they've accumulated over the last 40 years. My dad however, agrees with the vague concept but insists that he needs to do a bunch of major household renovations first (like completely replace the garage, repave the driveway, etc.) stuff that he is absolutely not capable of doing anymore, and that would cost an arm and a leg to hire someone to do.

    And the icing on top of this big ol' mountain of problems is that this afternoon, while a friend was helping me repair that stairway railing, a family of stray cats snuck into our garage, which is so full of decades' worth of accumulated junk that I literally can't even find the cats in there to see where they're hiding or how many of them there even are. The only reason I know they're in there is because I saw one fleeing into the open door just as I was coming outside. I put some food in a bowl outside to try and lure the cat out, but it backfired - next time I went out there, I saw two kittens dart into the garage after their parent. There may even be more kittens than that. I checked the bowl tonight and saw that it was empty, so I moved it a little farther from the garage, refilled it, and put it in an old puppy crate we had lying around. I also contacted a stray cat rescue group that my mom used to volunteer for, and they basically told me they were stretched too thin to send anyone to help trap these kitties.

    So now before I head back across the state on Sunday, I need to: fix up as much of the house as I can, restock the house for my mom, find a way to get those cats out of the garage so I can close it, and make contingency plans in case my mom needs help of some kind before my dad gets out of the hospital. I probably should also start looking into retirement communities they could move to, but I have no experience with that kind of thing and don't even know where to start.

    I feel like I'm probably even forgetting some stuff. Honestly my life feels like nothing but problem after problem right now, and I'm so stressed out I can't even think clearly.
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  4. - Top - End - #694
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Damn. That's a mountain of things piling up. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. My thoughts will be with you.

    The hospital your Dad is in might be able to help you with finding/vetting retirement communities for your folks. Ask to talk to the discharge planners or the social workers about it. They probably won't be able to make the arrangements for you, but they should at least be able to get you locations a d phone numbers, and possibly reviews of places.

    They might also be able to recommend agencies to help out your Mom and Dad until they can get I to a retirement community.

    I can do nothing about the cats. I'm more of a dog person :)
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  5. - Top - End - #695
    Barbarian in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I feel like I am growing invisible and losing the things that made me feel happy in the past.

    I am unsure what is driving this decay in my personal life, but I have felt it and noticed it over the last couple of years.
    *It isn't realism, it's verisimilitude... seeming to be true within the context of the game world.

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  6. - Top - End - #696
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by dafrca View Post
    I feel like I am growing invisible and losing the things that made me feel happy in the past.

    I am unsure what is driving this decay in my personal life, but I have felt it and noticed it over the last couple of years.
    Have you spoken to a medical professional about these feelings? If you haven't, please do so at your soonest opportunity. Such feelings can be symptoms of a very treatable medical condition, like depression.
    Between the pandemic and life in general, there has been more and more people feeling like that in the last couple of years. Know that you aren't invisible, you aren't alone in your feelings, and that help is available to get you feeling better.
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  7. - Top - End - #697
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    Next, my cat recently had a urinary tract infection, for the 2nd time this year. She's 13 years old, and the vet recently checked her for diabetes or kidney disease, for which she was thankfully negative. However, they thought she might possibly have a bladder tumor and want to see her again for that once the UTI is cleared up. Then on Wednesday morning I kept seeing her squatting on things like my gym bag, some clothes, etc. like she was going to pee on them (she generally doesn't pee outside her litter box unless it's really nasty, which it wasn't). She didn't actually pee though, so I don't know what that means. The vet wants to see her but the earliest I can get there is Monday, because...
    Took my kitty to the vet this morning. She has an inoperable bladder tumor, and the vet says she probably only has a few months left to live. I was given some anti-inflammatory medicines to give her that will hopefully make it less unpleasant for her to urinate, but it's purely a quality of life thing.

    Bob (that's her name) has been my best friend for the last 13 and a half years, and has been with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. I really hate the idea that I'm going to lose her sooner rather than later and I just kinda hate the entire world right now.

    Edit: The vet called back and wants me to bring her back in for an ultrasound tomorrow. Apparently there is reason to double check that the tumor is located where they think it is - and if it's not located there, it may be operable after all. I'm afraid to hope, but I'm sure as hell gonna grasp at any straw I can.
    Last edited by Velaryon; 2021-11-29 at 01:30 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    Work is the scourge of the gaming classes!
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    Neither Evershifting List of Perfectly Prepared Spells nor Grounds to Howl at the DM If I Ever Lose is actually a wizard class feature.

  8. - Top - End - #698
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    Took my kitty to the vet this morning. She has an inoperable bladder tumor, and the vet says she probably only has a few months left to live.[...] Apparently there is reason to double check that the tumor is located where they think it is - and if it's not located there, it may be operable after all. I'm afraid to hope, but I'm sure as hell gonna grasp at any straw I can.
    I'm going to hope with you! My own cat George has a catscan yesterday and he also has a tumor.His is inoperable for sure, it apparently started in his sinus but broke through the bone into the brain, leading to brain lesions and to the weird behavior I noticed (and all the tests that ensued).
    He has a few weeks left to live and I was also given some quality of life meds for him.
    I'm going to send all my hope your way that Bob's tumor is actually operable. In the meantime I know we'll both give our furbabies all the love they can bear <3

  9. - Top - End - #699
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    Took my kitty to the vet this morning. She has an inoperable bladder tumor, and the vet says she probably only has a few months left to live. I was given some anti-inflammatory medicines to give her that will hopefully make it less unpleasant for her to urinate, but it's purely a quality of life thing.

    Bob (that's her name) has been my best friend for the last 13 and a half years, and has been with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. I really hate the idea that I'm going to lose her sooner rather than later and I just kinda hate the entire world right now.

    Edit: The vet called back and wants me to bring her back in for an ultrasound tomorrow. Apparently there is reason to double check that the tumor is located where they think it is - and if it's not located there, it may be operable after all. I'm afraid to hope, but I'm sure as hell gonna grasp at any straw I can.
    Fingers crossed it work out for you. Our Boston Terrier was diagnosed with a massive bleeding liver tumor last November (after a rushed trip to an after hours vet). They got the bleeding stopped then, but everyone we spoke to agreed that the nature of the tumor meant 1) it was almost certainly malignant and 2) surgery probably wouldn't extend his life more than a month or two, and he'd spend a huge amount of time recovering from the surgery.

    We lost him in April when the tumor started bleeding again. Fortunately it was a painless way to go.
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  10. - Top - End - #700
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    I feel invisible.

    Spoiler: elaboration, grousing, and so on
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    It's hard to reach out to people. I've got to try and try and find writer's group to improve, but I'm afraid no one will care. I have tried a little to get people to notice the streams I do, but no one bites. I've tried to advertise places but it never works. I know this sort of stuff relies on luck, but it... I don't know. It feels like I should have at least garnered some attention by now from what I do do. I've been at this for like five years, and no one cares.

    I put in effort to make what I do good and no one cares, and it gets to the point where I feel the issue must be myself. That I'm intrinsically wrong or bad or just too stupid, and that if anyone who wasn't me tried these things it'd work out perfect for them. It's... hard to live like this sometimes. I'm able to fight it off at times but it's... just too much sometimes.

    I don't know what would even help, really...


    Back to normal Zodi avatars for awhile.
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  11. - Top - End - #701
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    I feel invisible.

    Spoiler: elaboration, grousing, and so on
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    It's hard to reach out to people. I've got to try and try and find writer's group to improve, but I'm afraid no one will care. I have tried a little to get people to notice the streams I do, but no one bites. I've tried to advertise places but it never works. I know this sort of stuff relies on luck, but it... I don't know. It feels like I should have at least garnered some attention by now from what I do do. I've been at this for like five years, and no one cares.

    I put in effort to make what I do good and no one cares, and it gets to the point where I feel the issue must be myself. That I'm intrinsically wrong or bad or just too stupid, and that if anyone who wasn't me tried these things it'd work out perfect for them. It's... hard to live like this sometimes. I'm able to fight it off at times but it's... just too much sometimes.

    I don't know what would even help, really...
    I'm so sorry to hear that Zodi. But have you tried Wattpad and Hubpages. They're both wonderful writing communities.
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  12. - Top - End - #702
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    I feel invisible.

    Spoiler: elaboration, grousing, and so on
    Show
    It's hard to reach out to people. I've got to try and try and find writer's group to improve, but I'm afraid no one will care. I have tried a little to get people to notice the streams I do, but no one bites. I've tried to advertise places but it never works. I know this sort of stuff relies on luck, but it... I don't know. It feels like I should have at least garnered some attention by now from what I do do. I've been at this for like five years, and no one cares.

    I put in effort to make what I do good and no one cares, and it gets to the point where I feel the issue must be myself. That I'm intrinsically wrong or bad or just too stupid, and that if anyone who wasn't me tried these things it'd work out perfect for them. It's... hard to live like this sometimes. I'm able to fight it off at times but it's... just too much sometimes.

    I don't know what would even help, really...
    I have felt this over the last few months. It is hard because we do not get to see/hear all the true feedback we should. Sometimes people think something positive but don't share it for many reasons. Just know I am sure you are reaching more people than you realize.
    *It isn't realism, it's verisimilitude... seeming to be true within the context of the game world.

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  13. - Top - End - #703
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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    I feel invisible.

    Spoiler: elaboration, grousing, and so on
    Show
    It's hard to reach out to people. I've got to try and try and find writer's group to improve, but I'm afraid no one will care. I have tried a little to get people to notice the streams I do, but no one bites. I've tried to advertise places but it never works. I know this sort of stuff relies on luck, but it... I don't know. It feels like I should have at least garnered some attention by now from what I do do. I've been at this for like five years, and no one cares.

    I put in effort to make what I do good and no one cares, and it gets to the point where I feel the issue must be myself. That I'm intrinsically wrong or bad or just too stupid, and that if anyone who wasn't me tried these things it'd work out perfect for them. It's... hard to live like this sometimes. I'm able to fight it off at times but it's... just too much sometimes.

    I don't know what would even help, really...
    Hi Zodi,

    I think there are about three different components there working against you.

    The first is that entertainment is the hardest industry, and it takes a long time. A good example is Greg Doucette, who was a pro body builder for decades before becoming a youtube personality. He also spent more then 5 years on youtube before it took off, and his instagram and twitter still aren't very popular. It could be 10 or even 20 more years of hard work to get into entertainment and make a name for yourself, and it could last a very short time if you did.

    The second is depression and imposter syndrome. Feeling invisible and like life is meaningless is very much a sign of depression (I have the same issues myself.) It is hard, there is no trite response that will fix that.

    Third is that you are putting the work in, which is the single hardest thing. Most people talk about what they would do, you actually are trying. That puts you above the majority of people in any area, but also means you can wear out or find your dreams unsatisfying in the end where if they remained dreams they can never disappoint you.

    I think making a group where everyone agrees to put in as much time working on each other's works as their own would be the best way forward. Some sort of group deadline for accountability, group editing and reviews where everyone has to hand in their own chapter and an edit of another person's chapter each month/quarter/week/whatever. That seems like the best way to whip productivity out of people, and people will care about you because you care about them. But those kinds of relationships are hard to set up, I can't promise you will succeed but if you set up those kinds of parameters on Meetup I am sure you will get some biters.
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  14. - Top - End - #704
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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    I feel invisible.

    Spoiler: elaboration, grousing, and so on
    Show
    It's hard to reach out to people. I've got to try and try and find writer's group to improve, but I'm afraid no one will care. I have tried a little to get people to notice the streams I do, but no one bites. I've tried to advertise places but it never works. I know this sort of stuff relies on luck, but it... I don't know. It feels like I should have at least garnered some attention by now from what I do do. I've been at this for like five years, and no one cares.

    I put in effort to make what I do good and no one cares, and it gets to the point where I feel the issue must be myself. That I'm intrinsically wrong or bad or just too stupid, and that if anyone who wasn't me tried these things it'd work out perfect for them. It's... hard to live like this sometimes. I'm able to fight it off at times but it's... just too much sometimes.

    I don't know what would even help, really...
    From someone who has considered himself worthless throughout his entire life and only recently became any good at anything

    Remember: it's never you, it's always your approach. Learn a new approach, things change. Viruses, certain genres of porn and social media sites aside, the internet is one of the greatest things humanity has ever come up with. Ways to improve your skills and yourself have never been easier to access. If you feel you're lacking in some area, look up ways to get better at it. If you want to improve your physique, look up exercise and nutrition videos.

    Streaming seems like it'd be the easiest job in the world for anyone who plays vidya but in actuality it is ludicrously hard to break into. The big names (Ninja, Pokimane and the like) are few and far between because it is very hard to be entertaining while playing a game. If you are undaunted by this and really want to make Streaming what you do, I would recommend looking up ways to advertise your stream to as many interested parties as you can. If you're getting viewers but they're not staying, look into ways to improve your ability to entertain live. One idea I came across was to record yourself talking (nothing playing, just talk to yourself into your camera) for 10 minutes. Then, after a day, watch the video, see how you can improve, and then repeat the process.

    Set up a time to stream on a consistent basis and advertise it everywhere you can. People who want to watch you stream are more likely to if they know when you're streaming and where. Also, chase trends; stream what's currently popular. It's cynical, but it gets results. To this day my best performing youtube video is a reaction to the Dawn of War 3 trailer, released within the same week (that last I checked was full of people laughing at me for the **** sound balancing that meant nobody could actually hear my reaction). It has 8.9k views. Next highest is an angry rant on Windows 10 that hit 897. Nothing else even broke 200.

    Try a charity streaming event, or a gaming challenge. Stay awake and play games for 24 hours, or try a speedrun, or something similar.

    That said, I gave up on my own attempts at streaming because having 0 watchers on every video from start to finish made me feel awful.

    Writing is a weird industry. You'll hear indie authors say all the time that it wasn't until book 3 that they started actually getting into the black. I asked one of my new favorite authors if this is true. She said that it took her 5 or 6 before her numbers really started climbing. And that's in part because writing books is cumulative; when you attract a new customer, if they go looking for your other books, and they find another 4, that's another 4 potential sales. Or 10. Or 50. Hell, I'm on the 23rd book of aforementioned fantasy author. All because I liked the sassy talking sword in her first book. And if I hadn't found the 2nd or 3rd book in her series, I wouldn't have kept reading. That's 22 sales she'd have missed out on.

    All of which is a long-winded way to say these things take time and patience. Like Tyrant said, you're putting work into it, you're already ahead of the curve. Hell, your book is published; mine is still mid-editing on a draft that isn't the final.
    Last edited by HalfTangible; 2021-12-03 at 11:01 PM.
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  15. - Top - End - #705
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    LaZodiac's Avatar

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    Default Re: Personal Woes and Advice 6

    Quote Originally Posted by dafrca View Post
    I have felt this over the last few months. It is hard because we do not get to see/hear all the true feedback we should. Sometimes people think something positive but don't share it for many reasons. Just know I am sure you are reaching more people than you realize.
    Thank you. It's just... difficult, sometimes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    Hi Zodi,

    I think there are about three different components there working against you.
    Thank you. I'm not sure how much good it'd be to try and make my own group like that due to the "no one really notices me" issue, but it's an idea. It also feels very typical that "ah of course, the best solution is for me to do it myself" which has been the answer to everything in my entire life, which I'm just tired of at this point. Sometimes I don't want to be the one who does all the hard work.

    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    From someone who has considered himself worthless throughout his entire life and only recently became any good at anything

    Remember: it's never you, it's always your approach. Learn a new approach, things change. Viruses, certain genres of porn and social media sites aside, the internet is one of the greatest things humanity has ever come up with. Ways to improve your skills and yourself have never been easier to access. If you feel you're lacking in some area, look up ways to get better at it. If you want to improve your physique, look up exercise and nutrition videos.
    Thanks. All of your videos are more successful than anything I've ever done so don't kick yourself too hard. I do do charity stuff in my streams, it's just charity for me (fundraising top surgery), which is a thing people do all the time- but when I do it, and even send out feelers for other trans folk to at least retweeted it so their large fanbases can help, the completely ignore it. So it has to be me, right? Also don't stream for 24 hours you'll die, or at least severely hurt yourself.

    Your stuff about writing just makes me think that the effort I put into my writing is wasted. Should just get a whole bunch out at once.


    Back to normal Zodi avatars for awhile.
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  16. - Top - End - #706
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaZodiac View Post
    Thanks. All of your videos are more successful than anything I've ever done so don't kick yourself too hard. I do do charity stuff in my streams, it's just charity for me (fundraising top surgery), which is a thing people do all the time- but when I do it, and even send out feelers for other trans folk to at least retweeted it so their large fanbases can help, the completely ignore it. So it has to be me, right? Also don't stream for 24 hours you'll die, or at least severely hurt yourself.
    *shrug* 319 subscribers is more than the 30 I have.

    For the 24hr thing I was thinking something like Extra Life. It's not a permanent thing, it's a challenge.

    And no, don't even think like that. It's never you (not saying 'don't self-improve', just saying 'thinking you're the problem doesn't help'). Reaching out to people with more followers than you is a good idea that costs you nothing but as you've noticed it's not necessarily going to help. There are other ways to bring in viewers; tease your streams, set up a consistent schedule, post clips along with the full VODs, etc. There's videos and guides on this stuff all over the internet.

    Your stuff about writing just makes me think that the effort I put into my writing is wasted. Should just get a whole bunch out at once.
    Not what I meant. Releasing each book in your series as they're ready (rather than all at once) is the better option for a number of reasons. You can gauge audience reaction (because you'll be getting sales as you go regardless) and adjust future entries, you keep your task hard but manageable (writing a full five book series in one go is a lot harder than writing the first book for what I hope are obvious reasons), and a bunch of books being released on the same day is a massive red flag. My point was that it will bear real fruit once you're more established.

    Didn't you tell me once Horikoshi was about to give up on writing entirely before he penned MHA? You have a book out and I know you have others planned/in the works. It hasn't been a waste so long as you haven't given up.
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    Update on my cat: the ultrasound did not reveal a tumor, so they did another urinalysis and sent it to another lab for processing. It turns out the inoperable tumor was a misdiagnosis and she just had a particularly bad and antibiotic-resistant UTI. It seems to be taken care of now, so with any luck she has years of life left.

    Which is good because hardly anything else is good in my life right now and I desperately need the companionship.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    Update on my cat: the ultrasound did not reveal a tumor, so they did another urinalysis and sent it to another lab for processing. It turns out the inoperable tumor was a misdiagnosis and she just had a particularly bad and antibiotic-resistant UTI. It seems to be taken care of now, so with any luck she has years of life left.

    Which is good because hardly anything else is good in my life right now and I desperately need the companionship.
    That's great news! I mean the UTI can't have been pleasant but it's so much better than the alternative. I hope she has many years left :D

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    Thank you for the kind words. I agree that the UTI is unfortunate but it's much preferable to the other diagnosis. This kitty has been through a lot with me and I'm absolutely not ready to let her go yet.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velaryon View Post
    It turns out the inoperable tumor was a misdiagnosis
    My friend had this happen with her fluffy gray boy as well! False cancer diagnoses are the worst. Sorry to hear that you've dealt with such stressful news about your pet, and I'm very happy to hear she's all right.

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    On Thursday I heard two bits of sad news, one was that my personal cursing Ann Landers’/swearing Dear Abby’s 22 year old daughter died during a nap, another blow to a lady who’s had her share (two autistic children, one that was violent, widowed due to a drug overdose 13 years ago).

    The other bit of sad news is that my roommate, whom I’m very fond of, has a large (book sized) tumor near her uterus, within a month she’s scheduled to get it and her ovaries removed.
    “If you catch me crying that’s why” she told me at lunch (her treat).
    She also said “I guess it’s a good thing the guy I was dating already broke up with me, he’d be gone with this news”, and “I’d have been a good Mom, too late now”.

    I’ve already promised to take her to the hospital, if the surgery falls on a weekend and I don’t come back to my wife and her kids on the weekend that will like signal to my wife that her efforts at reconciliation are in vain, and with her wealth she may hire a lawyer and take most of my income, meaning living in my Mom’s basement for me.

    While I love my roommate we’re not lovers (though she’s hinted pretty strongly that if I wasn’t married that could change), just hugs and hand-holding and effectively I’d be exchanging one roommate relationship with another, just as me and my wife haven’t kissed on the lips in over 18 years, neither have me and roommate (I’ve only kissed her on her cheek once, when she was crying), I’ve kissed my wife on the cheek more, but not on the lips after a stillbirth 18 years ago (in her words “I don’t have those feelings anymore”).

    Still a mere roommate doesn’t give you blankets and make your bed, and cook breakfast and dinner (as both have done for me), so we’re something beyond just that, and (especially when she lives elsewhere doing her house/pet sitting gigs, like this week) when me and my roommate go to meals, shopping, a concert, and a movie together, it feels like dating - but it’s not, “It only counts as a date if I wear a dress”.

    Still, during my own recovery from a potentially fatal illness my roommate was comforting when my wife was the opposite (it was worse than my being alone, which is why I moved out), but my wife has since I moved back part time really tried harder (for example she holds my hand which she hasn’t done for over a decade before).

    My roommate recovered from cancer once before, and the tumor could be that, if it is and it ruptures then cancerous spores will travel throughout her body, but even if the tumor is benign she’ll be unable to lift much for “a few weeks”. She hopes to get a female friend to come and help but doesn’t yet have a promise, there’s also a male roommate in the front of the house (away from our bedrooms which are adjacent), but he has a habit of “going hermit” and hiding for days (we suspect he secretly drinks again).

    My wife’s kids are 16 and five years old, have never known their “real” (her words) father (the donor), and both have always known me as “Dad” (and she hasn’t told the younger one yet), and both have indicated they don’t want to lose me.

    So, shall I stand by and care for my best friend, or maintain my marriage longer?
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    To be honest, that doesn't sound like a marriage...and your children can keep their relationship with you mostly intact if the separation/divorce is as amicable as can be.
    on the other hand, the potential for further heartache lies on both paths and i feel unqualified to give much more than my sympathies and a virtual hug
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    So, shall I stand by and care for my best friend, or maintain my marriage longer?
    2D8, Only you can make that decision, and I don't envy you the choice. You have had a taste of a new life by moving out, and I feel that's been a fantastic boost to you, [how do I find the right words]... to your confidence, to your outlook/future, to your life, giving you hope...

    I also worry/am concerned that your wife is holding you back. That she doesn't want you to make the break because of selfish reasons that are more about her, than about you, your marriage and/or "your" children. (This may not be the case, just my personal feelings, which are influenced by the family and friends I've seen go through similar things, but I don't know you in the same way.) At 16, I'm sure the older one knows of the tension in the relationship, and it's great that she doesn't want to lose you. (Can you, or have you, talked to her about the future and what's happening, away from your wife.) If you move out permanently, that may make it harder to see the kids, but shouldn't make it impossible. Both kids will put pressure on their Mum to be able to see you.

    The only thing I can think of, and (sorry) I can't remember if you have already done this, but what if you don't go back to your wife for a weekend (or two). It could be worth staying away and seeing if that helps you find your future path, and possibly getting a better idea of what your wife is thinking.

    You can't live the rest of your life being married part-time when it's not what you want. At some point you need to make a break and separate/divorce/whatever... for your well-being and future.
    Last edited by Tarmor; 2022-01-10 at 02:15 AM.

  24. - Top - End - #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    On Thursday I heard two bits of sad news, one was that my personal cursing Ann Landers’/swearing Dear Abby’s 22 year old daughter died during a nap, another blow to a lady who’s had her share (two autistic children, one that was violent, widowed due to a drug overdose 13 years ago).

    The other bit of sad news is that my roommate, whom I’m very fond of, has a large (book sized) tumor near her uterus, within a month she’s scheduled to get it and her ovaries removed.
    “If you catch me crying that’s why” she told me at lunch (her treat).
    She also said “I guess it’s a good thing the guy I was dating already broke up with me, he’d be gone with this news”, and “I’d have been a good Mom, too late now”.
    I'm sorry to hear that. Let me first say that my sympathies go to you and yours before I move on to the rest of your post. We tend to feel a portion of their pain when things are difficult for the people we care about.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    ..., and with her wealth she may hire a lawyer and take most of my income, meaning living in my Mom’s basement for me.
    Yeah, I wouldn't make that assumption. You'd do well to talk to an attorney yourself and ask them about it before making any assumptions about how a separation might go, be it an amicable one or otherwise.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    While I love my roommate we’re not lovers (though she’s hinted pretty strongly that if I wasn’t married that could change), just hugs and hand-holding and effectively I’d be exchanging one roommate relationship with another, just as me and my wife haven’t kissed on the lips in over 18 years, neither have me and roommate (I’ve only kissed her on her cheek once, when she was crying), I’ve kissed my wife on the cheek more, but not on the lips after a stillbirth 18 years ago (in her words “I don’t have those feelings anymore”).

    Still, during my own recovery from a potentially fatal illness my roommate was comforting when my wife was the opposite (it was worse than my being alone, which is why I moved out), but my wife has since I moved back part time really tried harder (for example she holds my hand which she hasn’t done for over a decade before).

    My wife’s kids are 16 and five years old, have never known their “real” (her words) father (the donor), and both have always known me as “Dad” (and she hasn’t told the younger one yet), and both have indicated they don’t want to lose me.

    So, shall I stand by and care for my best friend, or maintain my marriage longer?
    What marriage? From the sound of it your marriage fell apart years ago. Are you happy with the way things are now? Because I get the impression you really aren't.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2D8HP View Post
    So, shall I stand by and care for my best friend, or maintain my marriage longer?
    Hello 2D8HP. It is good to see you again. The board patrons have changed and there are fewer people I think of as a familiar face regularly appearing.

    My first piece of advice is to not treat these two things as a dichotomy. Should you care for a friend in need, yes or no? Full Stop. Should you maintain your marriage, yes or no? Full Stop.

    To the first, of course you should try to be a helpful and supportive presence in the life of someone for whom you care when they are going through one of the biggest challenges they've faced.

    To the second, you really have to sit down with your spouse and determine what staying together even looks like. I say that because the situation, as you've explained in previous posts, looks very much like what could at best be called 'maintain' and perhaps more accurately called 'putting off addressing.' What kind of future does she envision? What, if you stayed married, would you envision? Are these two visions compatible (within the framework of negotiation and accommodation you both think could actually occur)? Would the level of emotional intimacy (and it sounds like it is the emotional intimacy that is the primary sticking point, although it should be said that incompatibility in physical intimacy is a perfectly legitimate reason for a partnership to be challenged and the downfall of plenty of relationships) she could provide (particularly if it is a negotiated accommodation) be enough for you to be happy?

    Both of these should, IMO, be answered separately. I say that because there seems to be a hint of 'should I leave my wife, because I think I might want to get romantically involved with this friend?' in your post. To that, I say you should really make your decision about your marriage without that prospect in mind. If for no other reason than because it might not happen (it sounds like she was pursuing someone else as recently as a few months ago, that doesn't sound like a sure bet). Who knows how compatible the two of you will look to each other X months from now, with (assuming you went forward with the divorce) you working through the end of your marriage and she working through her health issues.

    Beyond that, if you stay to help your friend through her health crises, I feel she deserves to know that said aid is being done without (even the perception of) expectation of romantic reciprocation. I say that one from personal experience -- At one point a couple decades ago I had a female friend have a major health crises (within a few years after a divorce where she lost 75-90% of her friend base), and I helped out rather significantly (because 'she has no one else'). Things got rather muddles and we ended up together in the short term, but it ended up souring any real chance of a long term relationship (which honestly wouldn't have worked out in the end either, but still not a good way to rule it out).

    Anyways, that is my advice. As others have said, if you do go ahead with the divorce, don't assume it can't be amicable; and if it isn't, don't assume you will walk away with nothing. Take care and keep on keeping on. We're pulling for you.

  26. - Top - End - #716
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    Quote Originally Posted by dehro View Post
    To be honest, that doesn't sound like a marriage...and your children can keep their relationship with you mostly intact if the separation/divorce is as amicable as can be.
    on the other hand, the potential for further heartache lies on both paths and i feel unqualified to give much more than my sympathies and a virtual hug

    Thank you for your kind advice dehro

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarmor View Post
    2D8, Only you can make that decision, and I don't envy you the choice. You have had a taste of a new life by moving out, and I feel that's been a fantastic boost to you, [how do I find the right words]... to your confidence, to your outlook/future, to your life, giving you hope...

    I also worry/am concerned that your wife is holding you back. That she doesn't want you to make the break because of selfish reasons that are more about her, than about you, your marriage and/or "your" children. (This may not be the case, just my personal feelings, which are influenced by the family and friends I've seen go through similar things, but I don't know you in the same way.) At 16, I'm sure the older one knows of the tension in the relationship, and it's great that she doesn't want to lose you. (Can you, or have you, talked to her about the future and what's happening, away from your wife.) If you move out permanently, that may make it harder to see the kids, but shouldn't make it impossible. Both kids will put pressure on their Mum to be able to see you.

    The only thing I can think of, and (sorry) I can't remember if you have already done this, but what if you don't go back to your wife for a weekend (or two). It could be worth staying away and seeing if that helps you find your future path, and possibly getting a better idea of what your wife is thinking.

    I did stay away for a few full weeks before before being drawn back on weekends at my wife’s request “for the kids”.

    While I was gone I cried a lot less and the kids cried more

    You can't live the rest of your life being married part-time when it's not what you want. At some point you need to make a break and separate/divorce/whatever... for your well-being and future.

    Thank you for your kind advice Tarmor

    Quote Originally Posted by Form View Post
    I'm sorry to hear that. Let me first say that my sympathies go to you and yours before I move on to the rest of your post. We tend to feel a portion of their pain when things are difficult for the people we care about.



    Yeah, I wouldn't make that assumption. You'd do well to talk to an attorney yourself and ask them about it before making any assumptions about how a separation might go, be it an amicable one or otherwise.

    I did speak to an attorney, a divorce very likely means so much of my income will go to my ex-wife that I’ll be unable to pay rent anywhere near or safe, she’ll keep her wealth as much of it is inherited and I’ll be giving her most of mine.



    What marriage? From the sound of it your marriage fell apart years ago. Are you happy with the way things are now? Because I get the impression you really aren't.

    No, I wasn’t happy, that’s why I moved out.

    Thanks for your kind words Form

    Quote Originally Posted by Willie the Duck View Post
    Hello 2D8HP. It is good to see you again. The board patrons have changed and there are fewer people I think of as a familiar face regularly appearing.

    My first piece of advice is to not treat these two things as a dichotomy. Should you care for a friend in need, yes or no? Full Stop. Should you maintain your marriage, yes or no? Full Stop.

    To the first, of course you should try to be a helpful and supportive presence in the life of someone for whom you care when they are going through one of the biggest challenges they've faced.

    To the second, you really have to sit down with your spouse and determine what staying together even looks like. I say that because the situation, as you've explained in previous posts, looks very much like what could at best be called 'maintain' and perhaps more accurately called 'putting off addressing.' What kind of future does she envision? What, if you stayed married, would you envision? Are these two visions compatible (within the framework of negotiation and accommodation you both think could actually occur)? Would the level of emotional intimacy (and it sounds like it is the emotional intimacy that is the primary sticking point, although it should be said that incompatibility in physical intimacy is a perfectly legitimate reason for a partnership to be challenged and the downfall of plenty of relationships) she could provide (particularly if it is a negotiated accommodation) be enough for you to be happy?

    Both of these should, IMO, be answered separately. I say that because there seems to be a hint of 'should I leave my wife, because I think I might want to get romantically involved with this friend?' in your post. To that, I say you should really make your decision about your marriage without that prospect in mind. If for no other reason than because it might not happen (it sounds like she was pursuing someone else as recently as a few months ago, that doesn't sound like a sure bet). Who knows how compatible the two of you will look to each other X months from now, with (assuming you went forward with the divorce) you working through the end of your marriage and she working through her health issues.

    Beyond that, if you stay to help your friend through her health crises, I feel she deserves to know that said aid is being done without (even the perception of) expectation of romantic reciprocation. I say that one from personal experience -- At one point a couple decades ago I had a female friend have a major health crises (within a few years after a divorce where she lost 75-90% of her friend base), and I helped out rather significantly (because 'she has no one else'). Things got rather muddles and we ended up together in the short term, but it ended up souring any real chance of a long term relationship (which honestly wouldn't have worked out in the end either, but still not a good way to rule it out).

    Anyways, that is my advice. As others have said, if you do go ahead with the divorce, don't assume it can't be amicable; and if it isn't, don't assume you will walk away with nothing. Take care and keep on keeping on. We're pulling for you.

    Thanks for your kindness Willie the Duck

    Yes, I have indeed fallen in love with my roommate and I had plans to pursue a romantic relationship with her (specifically an engagement ring just before Valentine’s Day), but with her illness I think she needs a friend now far more than a wound-be lover, and the possibility of death may cloud her judgment, plus makes it too much pressure on her for now.

    If it’s hopeless and it looks like she will soon die or if she’s recovered and it seems she’d welcome a romantic relationship then I’d likely offer her a ring, but while her life is in limbo doesn’t seem the time and it’s best to remain a caring platonic friend
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    @2D8HP: ... Prefacing this by saying I could be very wrong, but if my opinion matters at all:

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    From where I'm standing, it seems that your wife has neglected and abused you for years. The picture you've painted in this thread over the years is of a highly dysfunctional marriage wherein you are a nuisance to her, and all she cares about is what you give her. The convenience of someone helping to raise her kids.

    I'm fairly religious and view divorce as, at best, a last resort; something God hates even when there's cause for it. There are few circumstances where I'd recommend it but this seems a clear case of neglect and abuse, at least emotionally if not physically. Your children make things more complicated; they've done nothing wrong and will inevitably be hurt by a divorce. My grandfather cheated on and left my grandmother, and it *still* hurts my father to this day, long after both of them died. It might go better in your case, and they will go through short-term pain now in exchange for a more fulfilling relationship with you down the line, but... well, either way's a gamble.


    Ultimately, the right answer is up to you; you know your circumstances better than any stranger on the internet.
    Last edited by HalfTangible; 2022-01-19 at 05:42 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by HalfTangible View Post
    Ultimately, the right answer is up to you; you know your circumstances better than any stranger on the internet.
    I often feel disappointed that "we" (that's a big general forum 'we', not just you HalfTangible or 2D8) are internet strangers. There's a lot of people of the Forum that I feel like I could sit down in a Cafe or somewhere and have a great chat with. It would be great to get to know a lot of people better, but maybe we wouldn't click and be good friends if we could meet. I don't know. But there are a lot of us who don't know everything that's going on in everyone else's lives, but we do care!

    I'd love to meet up with you 2D8 and talk about life and relationships. My life has not been what you have gone through, but my wife's previous marriage is similar, and I've seen the changes in her choosing something different for her future. We're on opposite sides of the world but I'm happy to trade PM's or email if you were willing to talk. We probably don't have anything in common apart from the relationships around us, but I like to think that we'd find something else.

    I'd love to discuss writing with Zodi. Writing's always a struggle (as is success however we would each define it), and like others have said - don't give up. Sorry, I haven't read your book (I should), but you DO have talent. You've done a lot online! You have something published. You have subscribers. You have support from many of us in the forum even if we don't all reach out to our keyboards and say something. I started a writing novel 30 years ago, and I'm still determined that at some time I will finish it! I know I have one person who wants to know how it ends, and if nothing else, I want to give them the entire story!

    Best wishes to you all with cats! I am very much a cat person, and I know the feeling of losing pets. I wish you (and them) well. Mri'fa-o!
    Since most people likely won't know the reference, it's "Good dreaming" in the Higher Singing of the Folk (Cats).
    Last edited by Tarmor; 2022-01-20 at 05:12 AM.

  29. - Top - End - #719
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    Hey all! Just thought I would check in. I read this thread every few weeks, catching up on peoples’ stories.

    2D8, I’m really truly sorry to read about what you’ve gone through. What you are still going through, I’m sure. I’ve never met you in person, but I’ve been thinking about you more in recent days. I have to hope that things are going to work out for you. I’ll echo what some folks here have said and say that from what I’ve heard, it sounds like your marriage has had serious problems for some time. Getting the space you needed sounds like a smart decision.

    There are no easy solutions, but I have faith in you. The other posters here have given you what I think sounds like good advice: don’t treat the situation with your wife and your roommate as an either/or situation, you are entitled to your own happiness, and deserve to find out who you are outside the shadow of a partner who denies you that feeling. Wanting to feel love in the sun isn’t selfish - it’s human. I don’t know of anyone that could put someone else first always, forever.

    Now for my 2c. I don’t have kids, but I was 15 when my parents divorced. It was nasty: my mom cheated on and left my dad, and it blew up everything for a good long while. Neither of them dealt with it particularly well. But what I remember the most about that time was that my dad tried so hard. He came home one day and just broke down weeping and I held him up, and strangely I felt closer to him in that moment than I ever had. Because I saw him, and I knew how much he loved all of us. There was beauty in that, and I can’t imagine what my relationship with him would be now if he and my mom had stayed together. They’d certainly be less happy.

    I guess what I’m saying is not to hold off ending a chapter of your life for the sake of your children. Time will wear away the red and ragged parts, but you will find your own relationship with your kids. It may take time, but you’ll get there.
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    Winner of Total War: Rise of Kingdoms (Ironfang Republic)

    Loser of Total War: The Final Hanrui (Elda Hafnar)


    "The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it."

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