Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Bartmanhomer]

I have a serious question to ask: How do you deal with death? The reason why I asked one of my friends on Youtube told me that there was another Youtuber passed away. And ago I already took a break on Youtube a few months ago because another Youtuber that I know passed away. I really can't handle death that well because I get depressed and sad.

[dehro]

Thank you for the advice Tvtyrant

I would echo the sentiment...
there seems to be on her part a degree of manipulation, that is possibly born out of necessity/fear of being alone/resentment for the possibility that you might actually be happy without her.. her request for weekend coparenting is reasonable, but will also severely impact you moving on from the relationship with her.
I could of course be entirely wrong, but what little you relate about her expressions and statements towards you seem to point in a direction not too distant from the above.
either way, it's not the healthiest of places to be in, and it could really colour the way your eldest sees and experiences relationships as he is growing up and possibly understands more than you'd like him to at this stage.
weekend cohabitation could be something for when both of you are in a better place.. right now that just sounds like another way of dragging things out, keeping a shadow of a status quo that doesn't actually help either of you.

[Salbazier]

I'm so upset with my brother.

Yesterday, my family (me, my elder brother, and my mother) went to bookstore. I split off from my brother and mother, to window shop by myself. I'm bibliophile and love browsing books. I thought it will be alright, since there's my brother to accompany my mother.

... when we meet back, the mood was bad. My brother just stay mostly silent and sullen. That's when I realized, they must had a fight again. I mentally kicked myself for leaving my brother with my mother, because it feels like happens so very often. For me to split off while we are going out, only for me to find such scene when I returned to them.

And worse, my brother continues to stay sullen even after going back to the next day. When my brother goes like that, he either 1)stay in his room just sleeping and refuse to eat 2) went off to God knows where on his motorbike.

He did the former all night and just now this afternoon did the later. I'm so very angry. There's just so very many grievance I had over the years, but this is just the straw. I upset for my mother, who is worried for him. And I'm upset for myself because his behavior is just infuriating.

He left without even trying to say anything, and even when I asked directly where he is going, he just say 'to wherever'. That's just ... Like, I'm a Muslim (and so is my family, to be clear). I learn early in my life how important it is Islam to say proper salam when leaving or coming, especially one's own home. I always hold on to that. Unless I'm genuinely forgot, Even when I'm angry to people at home, I always make sure to properly notice them when I leave and say salam. Same with when I return.

I know it sounds, it minor, but I view that as basic decency. Little things you do to others even if you are upset with them, because its just decent. Precisely because its little thing, there's no reason not to do so. And I think its all the more important to that in regard to your home and/or your parent. So its offend me that he can't even manage this basic thing.

What making it worse, is that he's often preachy about religion thing (well, about a lot of things really). So its doubly upsetting to see someone who often act so 'righteous' about things, will not even this basic thing.

That's a common theme with him, honestly. The way I see it, he's very keen on telling people what to do, but so defiant when others tell him what to do. Like, he refuse to get vaccinated for one (we had a fight about this just few weeks ago). Back during early days of pandemy, I try to tell him that he should wash his hands with soap (what the point of washing hand without!). He refused that too. I don't know, if he has now. Frankly, I turn blind eye whenever he is wash his hand, because I don't want to get more aneurysm by seeing him washing hands without soap. There's just so many things.

I admit I have some glass house here. I myself can be arrogant, meddling, petty, and temperamental. I got a lot of fights with my mother myself (I'm trying to be better, but sometimes I still fly off handle and there's these accumulating dark thoughts that I try to fight) But I never throw tantrum so much as to left house and wander like that, nor leaving home without saying anything.

I blew up after he left home. It was really hard holding back from blowing up to him before he left. I vented by talking to my mother. Feel bad for doing so. She's the one is most grieved by my brother, it doesn't really becoming of me to put her in position of trying to calm me down instead.


I just want to vent. Maybe putting this to type will help me settle. Truthfully, some months/years ago I already felt wanting to vent about this here, but refrained before.


(my brother came back while I writing this. As expected, still no word whatsoever from him).

[Emmerlaus]

I have a serious question to ask: How do you deal with death? The reason why I asked one of my friends on Youtube told me that there was another Youtuber passed away. And ago I already took a break on Youtube a few months ago because another Youtuber that I know passed away. I really can't handle death that well because I get depressed and sad.

There is no easy way to deal with death. Only time help you heal from that sadness.

https://m.imgur.com/gallery/etTj0

[Bartmanhomer]

There is no easy way to deal with death. Only time help you heal from that sadness.

https://m.imgur.com/gallery/etTj0

Thank you. I just want to move on to enjoy life.

[Salbazier]

How do you hold back from unleashing your anger and urge to scold others? Because in relation to the things in my post above, my brother continue to be infuriating and I feel consumed with the anger and need to just yell at him. I keep found myself indulging in fantasies doing so. I didn't so far, because if nothing else, I don't want to add more burden to my mother.


EDIT: God, it just keep getting worse.

Spoiler

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So my mother just trying to persuade my brother to eat, and he was like. He was throwing tantrum because according to him my mother were saying to him yesterday that 'all he do is just sleep'. My mother denies saying so. I don't know if in the truth is my brother mishear or my mother misspoke or she just forgot. But like, how dare him, how dare him throwing tantrum over those words even if my mother trully said it. Because thing is, that's just the truth. That's just what he has been doing all these (2-3) years since he moved in with us. Sleeping in his room and playing phone. It even got worse as time went by. Early on he still go out for morning walk, but he didn't even do that anymore. He didn't even clean his room.

I mean, I got no stone to throw here. Since last year, okay, this is hard to admit, but I have stopped applying for jobs or studying skill for a while now. I keep procrastinating. But at the very least I'm not denying that or that I deserved castigation for it. I've been thankful that my mother and eldest brother (different brother with the above) is being patient with me, too patient arguably.

It just to hear my brother acting like that, all I can think is how shameless he is being, and I grief so much seeing my mother treated that way after all her patience.

And once I again, I just making more burden for my mother because she has to calm me down. God, I don't know anymore.

I really should back doing something productive. Anything.

[Emmerlaus]

How do you hold back from unleashing your anger and urge to scold others? Because in relation to the things in my post above, my brother continue to be infuriating and I feel consumed with the anger and need to just yell at him. I keep found myself indulging in fantasies doing so. I didn't so far, because if nothing else, I don't want to add more burden to my mother.


EDIT: God, it just keep getting worse.

Spoiler

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So my mother just trying to persuade my brother to eat, and he was like. He was throwing tantrum because according to him my mother were saying to him yesterday that 'all he do is just sleep'. My mother denies saying so. I don't know if in the truth is my brother mishear or my mother misspoke or she just forgot. But like, how dare him, how dare him throwing tantrum over those words even if my mother trully said it. Because thing is, that's just the truth. That's just what he has been doing all these (2-3) years since he moved in with us. Sleeping in his room and playing phone. It even got worse as time went by. Early on he still go out for morning walk, but he didn't even do that anymore. He didn't even clean his room.

I mean, I got no stone to throw here. Since last year, okay, this is hard to admit, but I have stopped applying for jobs or studying skill for a while now. I keep procrastinating. But at the very least I'm not denying that or that I deserved castigation for it. I've been thankful that my mother and eldest brother (different brother with the above) is being patient with me, too patient arguably.

It just to hear my brother acting like that, all I can think is how shameless he is being, and I grief so much seeing my mother treated that way after all her patience.

And once I again, I just making more burden for my mother because she has to calm me down. God, I don't know anymore.

I really should back doing something productive. Anything.

It feels like you need to move out and have your own place. Your situation is toxic all around. Stop worrying about your brother and improve yourself. That’s where you have some control and responsibilities. Get a job or return to school. One step at a time. Try to maybe have an healthy hobby to reward yourself during you downtime. I realized that for me, the best stress relievers is writing.

[Salbazier]

It feels like you need to move out and have your own place. Your situation is toxic all around. Stop worrying about your brother and improve yourself. That’s where you have some control and responsibilities. Get a job or return to school. One step at a time. Try to maybe have an healthy hobby to reward yourself during you downtime. I realized that for me, the best stress relievers is writing.

Yeah, I ended up randomly picking up study books last night, just to do something productive and get away from the mind swamp. It does make me feel better to be thinking about things I could do to improve myself.

As for moving out, I've made up my mind to not do that. Even were it not for my brother, I'm worried about leaving my mother alone. Maybe if something major come up like I marry or something, but something like that is nowhere in the card right now and if does come I can think of what to do then. So, I'll just stay here. It does mean putting up with my brother, but whatever, like you said, I'll just focus on things I can do for myself. Hopefully me doing something productive will will be some relief for my mother as well.

Thank you for replying.

[Bartmanhomer]

So anyway early this morning on Facebook Messenger, one of my friend grandmother died from COVID! I'm very sad about it.

[Emmerlaus]

So anyway early this morning on Facebook Messenger, one of my friend grandmother died from COVID! I'm very sad about it.

I understand how you might be sad about it and every life loss of someone loved is sad... but she died as an eldery grandma. We can all hope to reach her age once we go to the other side.

[Bartmanhomer]

I understand how you might be sad about it and every life loss of someone loved is a small... but she died as an eldery grandma. We can all hope to reach her age once we go to the other side.

I know. I lost many friends and family members because of COVID and other illnesses as well. I can't deal with another death after the other.

[Salbazier]

[insert profanities here]

Because I need to channel this somewhere or I'll start smashing things.

Spoiler

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My brother is up to it again. I don't know exactly what's going (I'm trying not to listen because I know it will just make more furious)but my brother is up to another tantrum in the kitchen. The only part I can catch is my brother saying something 'who's making rules. I'm not making rules' (rough translation), which bull****. Basically my brother like to tell others how things should or should not be done and my mother is sick of it. Most likely he's doing it again and my mother telling him to not do it, and as he always do, he denies it. That's just he's modus operandi, whenever he's told off about something he's denying with some bull**** sophistry. I still have grudge till today on how when I once told him to stop talking about his political bugbear his answer was 'I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to mother' plus laughing and mocking me, and that's just the top of iceberg.

[insert more profanities here]

EDIT: at least this one don't seem to last long.

[Bartmanhomer]

So anyway there was almost an incident that happen with my co-worker on Wednesday at the 7-Eleven Store. He was was at the store minding his own business until a man almost stabs him with a knife. He didn't provoke him or anything like that. The two security guards run the knife-wielding man out of the store. I always get my usual coffee and two bananas but after what happened to my co-worker, I'm going to eat outside elsewhere.

[HalfTangible]

Some context here: my mom's been a heavy drinker all my life, and had a bad car accident before I was born that left her physically impaired. (Not quite immobile, but she she limped everywhere). A couple years back she took a bad fall (while drunk) and broke her good leg; I don't remember what it was exactly, but I know it required multiple surgeries to fix it properly. COVID chose to rear its ugly head right around the same time that she needed surgery to get back on her feet, which delayed her surgeries by several more months. She can only walk for limited periods and spends most of her time in bed or in a wheelchair. I help out where I can around the house, but she does do a lot herself.

Get drinks, for instance.

So, preamble done... earlier today, I found my mother's car with a giant dent in the front of it, like it'd slammed into a lamp post or something. This was the first indication I had that mom had been in an accident yesterday. I went to ask her about it, she said she was sore but fine. I initially freaked out, but upon a second look (and getting a second opinion from a friend) the damage wasn't too bad. It probably did give her whiplash, but nothing too extreme.

But I was suspicious, because she seemed drunk out of her mind. She told me she was just tired, and took a nap. She often tells me she's tired when she's actually been drinking (I'm bad at reading people so I never know myself, but bro does and can smell it when I can't). When I took her cup into the other room to wash, I smelled alcohol in it. When she got up later (a bit more animated) she told me she'd swerved to avoid hitting a cat and hit a tree.

That seemed like utter horse****. When I contacted my brother about it, he told me that she'd told him she'd drunk too much and hit a tree. (Some of you who have been here for a while may recall a few years back that my brother's best friend was killed by a drunk driver.)

Bro is pissed with her. And frankly, I'm at about the limit myself on that front. I don't like being lied to and I don't like watching someone I care about drink themselves to death.

The only rational course of action I could think to do was take every bottle of alcohol in the house I could find (there was a lot, including a near-empty bottle of Crown Royal, which she's allergic to) and move it where she couldn't get to it easily. Probably missed a lot of it, since I was trying not to wake her up.

[dehro]

in your place, I'd have burned the stuff. good on you for restraining yourself...although, if what you describe about your mother is true, any amount left within her grasp is an amount too large.
depending on her age, income/employment status, general mental status, I would consider options to the effect of asking for some sort of social/judicial assisstance, up to having her declared not self-sufficient/of clear mind.. if of course those are legal options.
she will hate you and your brother for it, for a long time.. but she will have the time to hate you for it..and maybe even get over it.
otherwise, I would seek out options to distance yourself from her. it is a terrible thing to do, but if changing nothing affects your wellbeing and doesn't help her breaking the cycle, you have to start thinking for yourself and change things up.

[DarthArminius]

My Dogs tried to kill each other
So Levi, my black furred weiner dog and my chiweinie, Tybo were fighting each other ten minutes ago. Levi was bleeding, and now Tybo is in big trouble. I don't know what happened other than that they were biting at each other.

[sktarq]

Some context here: my mom's been a heavy drinker all my life, and had a bad car accident before I was born that left her physically impaired. ....
The only rational course of action I could think to do was take every bottle of alcohol in the house I could find (there was a lot, including a near-empty bottle of Crown Royal, which she's allergic to) and move it where she couldn't get to it easily. Probably missed a lot of it, since I was trying not to wake her up.

Okay this sucks...

The not liking to watch someone you care about drink themselves to death strikes a little too close to home even if that part of my life is behind me. (Relationship Advice 22 (I think) thread if you really want to dig).

A few things I wish someone had told me then but YMMV.

Unless she wants to get help there isn't much you can do to fix this...its on her.

That said there are a number of options if you can can get her to try. In spite of what many 12 step programs say (esp in the USA) there are other options. Look into medications, therapies, and the like that may be available through doctors where you are before you discuss this with her if you ever do. Which, you don't have to.

Also you are in a tough place. And having a place to vent etc can be helpful. I don't know if you've looked in Alanon groups in your area, but they are specifically for the loved ones of alcoholics and the like. Such a system can be useful and may have tips that can help you.

also you have my deepest sympathies.

[Bartmanhomer]

A Facebook friend of mine spoke to me on Messenger a few minutes ago that he's thinking about ending his life. Long story short, he was very stressed due to the social media that has been going on lately. So I give him the Suicide Prevention Phone Number and I hope he calls that number and gets the help that he needs.

[Spore]

A Facebook friend of mine spoke to me on Messenger a few minutes ago that he's thinking about ending his life. Long story short, he was very stressed due to the social media that has been going on lately. So I give him the Suicide Prevention Phone Number and I hope he calls that number and gets the help that he needs.

You should actually call an ambulance to his place, if you know the adress. This is serious, and paramedics are trained in dealing with this.

[Bartmanhomer]

You should actually call an ambulance to his place, if you know the adress. This is serious, and paramedics are trained in dealing with this.

Well that the thing, I don't even know his address.

[Melayl]

You can keep checking with him, and encouraging him to call.

You could also call the number yourself, and give them his Messenger contact information. I don't know if they can actually contact him without him initiating it, but it's worth checking.

I'm glad he has a friend who cares enough to try to help!

[Bartmanhomer]

You can keep checking with him, and encouraging him to call.

You could also call the number yourself, and give them his Messenger contact information. I don't know if they can actually contact him without him initiating it, but it's worth checking.

I'm glad he has a friend who cares enough to try to help!

He return on Facebook yesterday with a happy emoji on his Facebook post.

[Melayl]

That's great to hear!

[Comrade]

So I'm in kind of a bind.

Spoiler: Wow this turned into a real yarn

Show

I've been with my partner now for almost a year and a half, half of that spent living together. This is the happiest I've ever been, we love each other, my family likes her, I like her family, all that good stuff. We agreed to move together back to her home country, and we've both been pretty clear we want to spend our lives together. But more and more lately I've been forced to confront the possibility that we may be fundamentally incompatible in the long-term in ways that could be a huge problem in the future.

I work in politics. I'm also deeply involved in politics outside of work. I don't want to get too specific because it's not the point and I don't wanna run afoul of forum rules, but I serve as the head of a local political organization, am very proud of the work I do in that context, and enjoy the work I do in that context. She's not all that into politics at the best of times, doubly so since this isn't her home country, and it genuinely upsets her that I'm involved to this extent. She refuses to be in the house when I take meetings related to my organization, and the last couple of times we've had in-person events outside of our regular meetings, I've ended up not going because it upset her so much she cried. She's made it clear she can't articulate why she feels so strongly and so negatively about it, but she feels the fact that it causes her pain should be explanation enough for me to step down from my leadership role.

I really don't want to cause her hurt, but I also don't want to resign from my position. That position, the organization, and the people in it are all important to me. I also just plain and simple enjoy that part of my life, kind of in the same way a person would enjoy being in a hobby club. I like doing it. I like meeting people through it. But maybe more importantly, I'm afraid that stepping down still won't be enough-- that she'll then want me to not go to meetings or events at all, and just completely excise this part of myself. It's gotten to a point where I decided not to go to a gala I'd been looking forward to this weekend with some friends because it upset her. It wasn't an event of ours, I wouldn't necessarily have been going in my organizational capacity, but I think just the thought of me being there and networking and rubbing elbows with political people bothered her.

Being involved in politics is a pretty core part of who I am. I've told her that when we move, I'll want to be involved there, too, a lot like I am here and now. My fear is that this will continue to be a problem until I basically stop being involved in anything even tangentially political outside of my job, and even in the context of my career she has been a little wary and it doesn't seem like she'd be comfortable with me advancing too far. It's really not about the specific organization, it's about whether she's comfortable sharing her life with someone so involved in politics. She's said she probably would be if we were in her home country, but that's a real big 'maybe' considering this is literally my life's work, and there has been a pattern of her saying 'I will/would be okay with this if _____' only to still not be okay with it afterward.

I love her and almost all the time we work incredibly well together. I don't want to hurt her. I'd like to spend my life with her, but I'm worried that that would entail basically cutting off aspects of myself and my life that are unacceptable to her. I've tried saying so, but she doesn't seem to understand how important these things are to me. Or she'll say she knows she can't ask me to stop, but just wants me to know that it causes her pain, which is pretty much the same thing. Is it unreasonable or callous of me to feel that way?

[Tvtyrant]

So my basic assumption is that one of two things are happening:

Either you are into some really dangerous stuff politically and she doesn't agree with your radicalism strain for one reason or another, in which case we can't discuss it but she's looking out for her and your best interest from a safety point of view.

Or two: It's more about control and she doesn't like you doing things outside the relationship. With the mention of your job this seems likely, does she feel the same about athletics and spending time with friends outside political settings?

In line with the second, you are also good looking and she might feel like she doesn't offer enough if you aren't kept at home. Is she a homebody by nature? Does she have things to go to while you are out or does she wait at home?

[Melayl]

Is politics in her home country dangerous or overtly corrupt? Could she be associating politics with something negative or traumatic from her life?

[Comrade]

So my basic assumption is that one of two things are happening:

Either you are into some really dangerous stuff politically and she doesn't agree with your radicalism strain for one reason or another, in which case we can't discuss it but she's looking out for her and your best interest from a safety point of view.

Or two: It's more about control and she doesn't like you doing things outside the relationship. With the mention of your job this seems likely, does she feel the same about athletics and spending time with friends outside political settings?

In line with the second, you are also good looking and she might feel like she doesn't offer enough if you aren't kept at home. Is she a homebody by nature? Does she have things to go to while you are out or does she wait at home?

My politics are pretty much identical to hers and not particularly radical, so I'm pretty sure it ain't that. She definitely is a homebody and is far likelier than I am to want to spend the day at home, but she has never had a problem with me going to the gym, or hanging out with (non-political) friends, or anything like that. If anything, she's said a few times that she's okay with staying at home or being alone, which took me some getting used to since I felt it would be almost rude to leave her at home and do my own stuff. My sense is she views politics as an inherently distasteful thing (kind of a 'I know someone has to do it, I just don't want to see it' deal) and it just took her a while to a. realize how deeply involved I am and b. realize she wasn't getting used to it or becoming okay with it.

Is politics in her home country dangerous or overtly corrupt? Could she be associating politics with something negative or traumatic from her life?

She's from Canada, I doubt it haha

[dehro]

I see a massive red flag in the notion that she might have a history of declaring a possible opening to compromise without following through on it.
when she says "maybe..if..." but actually means "no way no how", that is a pretty serious breakdown in communication and may be predicated on her hoping to somehow change you or that changing circumstances might force your hand, rather than actually ever having intention to accept the compromise/renounce.
That seems either unhealthy, immature or intellectually dishonest/controlling.
Another thought is... you've been together a year before moving in together.. how has this passion/job of yours never come up before or been an issue?
Looking at it from the outside, I have a feeling there are a number of serious conversations that you might not have taken the time to table, in the rosy haze of the honeymoon period of your relationship.
Have there actually been compromises either of you have agreed upon and already followed up on? (I assume you being willing to leave your country to move closer to her family is one such.. but that's for the future.. how about today, or the past?)
Are there things she is passionate about, and what is your involvement with those?

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everyone. There's something I have to get off my chest. I have to cut off so many people in my life because they're anti-masker/anti-vaxxer. I'm pro-masker/pro-vaxxer and I took my Moderna vaccine two times in March of this year. They always want to make this a damn political issue with no line of reasoning whatsoever. I don't want to associate these types of people with my life. I already did my part not to get sick from COVID and I'm still going to continue doing my part when the pandemic is over.

[Taevyr]

Just had to re-install windows on my laptop after it froze yesterday evening, and wouldn't properly boot up all day: The option said "keep all files" but apparently, that was a lie....

Luckily, all of my schoolwork including my thesis-in-progress is intact in the university OneDrive (thank whatever supreme being one feels is appropriate), but I also had a document filled with story ideas, a desktop screen with one side filled with short stories/ideas/quick write-ups of whatever was fizzing in my mind at the time, and a campaign setting worth about >6000 words..... and those all seem to be gone.

I should be able to retrieve an old version of the setting since I remember uploading a version somewhere early-last year, and I still got the setting map in Inkarnate to work with, but still. Sure, the schoolwork is alright, but I probably lost more story ideas and half-worked out concepts than I can even remember from the past few years. Stuff that got me through the 'rona isolation period and the like. It's really getting me down atm.