Personal Woes and Advice 6

[dehro]

I might not know entirely how your relationship ended, in fact I know I don't, but I know that breakups hurt.

eh.. it ended consensually... we are still friends and sort of helping each other getting through it... I've taken today and tomorrow off so that instead of sitting home working I can....well... sit at home doing something else, which is good.. I didn't have the clarity of mind to work. oddly enough, the pandemic is also delaying dealing with the practical matters such as flying back to Italy to sort out paperwork, move out my things and such. She's being gracious about it and my stuff doesn't bother her (it's mostly books and she has a big house, so it's not like they're in the way... but still, it's nice). of course I am in something of a mourning about it anyway, but it's manageable.
thank you for your words, however.. they are appreciated.

[The Fury]

I'm not sure what I need right now, maybe I just need to vent. I'm sorry. I'm still learning to be OK with what I am and what I can be. I don't think I'm really capable of romantic partnerships, yet part of me really wants it. Part of me really wants to hold hands with someone or fall asleep in someone's arms. I'd really like to have a serious platonic bond with someone too-- one where I could feel comfortable telling them anything, and one where they could do the same.

People in my life usually don't ever want to get that close to me though. When they do, they eventually cut me out of their life. I guess I hurt people when I get close to them. I feel like I might be best as that kind of work acquaintance that someone might invite to a barbecue in order to be polite but hopes won't show up. All that is kind of a painful thing to learn to OK with. I guess that's why we have therapists, right?

All that said, I'm sorry. With what's happening out there, what I'm feeling seems too small to really matter. I'm not dying or anything.

[HalfTangible]

I'm not sure what I need right now, maybe I just need to vent. I'm sorry. I'm still learning to be OK with what I am and what I can be. I don't think I'm really capable of romantic partnerships, yet part of me really wants it. Part of me really wants to hold hands with someone or fall asleep in someone's arms. I'd really like to have a serious platonic bond with someone too-- one where I could feel comfortable telling them anything, and one where they could do the same.

People in my life usually don't ever want to get that close to me though. When they do, they eventually cut me out of their life. I guess I hurt people when I get close to them. I feel like I might be best as that kind of work acquaintance that someone might invite to a barbecue in order to be polite but hopes won't show up. All that is kind of a painful thing to learn to OK with. I guess that's why we have therapists, right?

All that said, I'm sorry. With what's happening out there, what I'm feeling seems too small to really matter. I'm not dying or anything.

I feel the same, if it helps. No amount of self-improvement or learning to stay calm seems to stop me from feelings of inadequacy or blowing up in people's faces. (although right at this moment I'm annoyed because someone who thinks I'm an animal decided to be a prick again) Part of me wants to find a girl to hold and to love, but I'm also terrified that I'd either be taken advantage of or turn into an abuser. Neither of which is worth it. And that's leaving aside the fact that I'm a creepy weirdo nobody wants to hang around in the first place.

Your problem doesn't sound small to me. If it does to you, remember: someone having worse problems than you doesn't mean your problems are invalid. I got cancer in 2017 that was removed without serious fuss. The fact that others have had inoperable tumors that kill them slowly and for whom the only treatment is chemo does not mean I didn't need surgery. The fact that people are dying from Coronavirus does not mean your pain/loneliness isn't real.

[The Fury]

I feel the same, if it helps. No amount of self-improvement or learning to stay calm seems to stop me from feelings of inadequacy or blowing up in people's faces. (although right at this moment I'm annoyed because someone who thinks I'm an animal decided to be a prick again) Part of me wants to find a girl to hold and to love, but I'm also terrified that I'd either be taken advantage of or turn into an abuser. Neither of which is worth it. And that's leaving aside the fact that I'm a creepy weirdo nobody wants to hang around in the first place.

I'm not sure if what we're feeling is the same. Not to invalidate you or anything. While I do feel inadequate a lot of the time, (other times, it's full-on self-loathing,) I don't really worry too much about losing my temper with people or actively hurting them. I feel like my toxicity is more quiet and more passive, which might make me even worse. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do. Even if I don't mean to. Just the other day, I found out that someone that doesn't want to talk to me anymore stopped talking to me because the way I acted when I got scared reminded them of their mother. Their mother is also controlling and emotionally manipulative. I feel like getting rid of me was probably the smart choice, and it's actually good that others followed suit in order to make sure they had emotional support without it being weird. It's painful to admit that, but it's true.

Your problem doesn't sound small to me. If it does to you, remember: someone having worse problems than you doesn't mean your problems are invalid. I got cancer in 2017 that was removed without serious fuss. The fact that others have had inoperable tumors that kill them slowly and for whom the only treatment is chemo does not mean I didn't need surgery. The fact that people are dying from Coronavirus does not mean your pain/loneliness isn't real.

It still feels small to me, and I still feel guilty about needing to talk about it. After all, I'm likely going to be alive tomorrow. I'll likely be alive at the end of next week. The people that I care about probably will be too, in fact they'll probably be better than ever without me.

I remember you talking about your surgery. That was around the time I fractured my hand, I think. I still have a metal plate in it by the way. Funnily enough I almost didn't have the fracture diagnosed if people on this forum didn't urge me to see a doctor regarding pain in my chest. It turned out the pain was just being caused by stress, usually my stress levels aren't severe enough to cause physical pain but they still do sometimes. Now I get pain in my hand when I'm stressed too.

[HalfTangible]

I'm not sure if what we're feeling is the same. Not to invalidate you or anything. While I do feel inadequate a lot of the time, (other times, it's full-on self-loathing,) I don't really worry too much about losing my temper with people or actively hurting them. I feel like my toxicity is more quiet and more passive, which might make me even worse. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do. Even if I don't mean to. Just the other day, I found out that someone that doesn't want to talk to me anymore stopped talking to me because the way I acted when I got scared reminded them of their mother. Their mother is also controlling and emotionally manipulative. I feel like getting rid of me was probably the smart choice, and it's actually good that others followed suit in order to make sure they had emotional support without it being weird. It's painful to admit that, but it's true.



It still feels small to me, and I still feel guilty about needing to talk about it. After all, I'm likely going to be alive tomorrow. I'll likely be alive at the end of next week. The people that I care about probably will be too, in fact they'll probably be better than ever without me.

I remember you talking about your surgery. That was around the time I fractured my hand, I think. I still have a metal plate in it by the way. Funnily enough I almost didn't have the fracture diagnosed if people on this forum didn't urge me to see a doctor regarding pain in my chest. It turned out the pain was just being caused by stress, usually my stress levels aren't severe enough to cause physical pain but they still do sometimes. Now I get pain in my hand when I'm stressed too.

It's not *exactly* the same, but it's similar from where I'm standing. You could've taken HalfOf the things said here right out of my mouth. When people get close they leave, I feel terrible for telling people about my problems, when I get upset I hurt people even if I don't mean to...

Just know you're not alone, okay?

[The Fury]

It's not *exactly* the same, but it's similar from where I'm standing. You could've taken HalfOf the things said here right out of my mouth. When people get close they leave, I feel terrible for telling people about my problems, when I get upset I hurt people even if I don't mean to...

Just know you're not alone, okay?

Again, I don't mean to invalidate what you said. If I did, I'm sorry. I sincerely hope that you're not like me. Maybe I'm only saying that because I feel hopeless right now. I'd like it if you still had hope. I get that you're upset sometimes and being upset is normal. You seem to be implying that you're working on ways to channel those feelings in a more productive way, so that's good.

I've had fears about myself for years now. I worry that I'm a monster wearing a mask of a decent person. A mask that's so convincing that even I think it's real sometimes. Moments like people leaving are hard for me because in that moment, I feel like my worst fear about myself is completely true.

[The Fury]

I guess it's been a minute, and I still feel a little guilty that I'm bringing more problems than solutions. Here goes though.

In another online community, someone asked the question, "If Coronavirus was gone for one day and we'd go back to being in quarantine the day after, what would you do?"

Some people had more extravagant answers, which y'know... fair. Mine was a fairly lowkey trying to see as many of my friends as I could. One of the more extravagant answers someone gave was taking everyone they knew to Switzerland. That prompted the person who posted the original question to clarify, what would you realistically do if Coronavirus was gone for one day.

At that point I had to admit that my answer wasn't really realistic either. But because it was a thread with a lot of positivity, I didn't want to amend what I said. My realistic answer would be something closer to this-- I'd try reaching out to people via text, find that they won't respond to me or already have plans. After that, I'd probably justify it by thinking that I'm probably not fit to be around people anyway. Then go on a walk to no particular destination and end up in a dive staring into a pint of beer as the place is starting to wind down.

I just feel a little frustrated that even in imagined scenarios where something objectively good happens, I still end up sad.

[3SecondCultist]

Spoiler: Here be Thoughts

Show

Right, so I am hardly a proponent of self-diagnosis - that is to say that I understand the inherent biases and lack of expertise, medical training and other flaws in that practice - but I am fairly positive that I am someone who suffers from at least a mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder. If not BPD, then I certainly have enough of the symptoms from that list that my problem is essentially the same.

1. I have been engaging in self-destructive and repetitive patterns of behavior since I was about fifteen years old. These patterns most commonly involve self-harm, ranging from minor cuts to more serious attempts. The physical harm is not especially common, but the 'burst periods' of intense sadness and depression leading to suicidal ideation definitely is. I find myself confronted with those thoughts rather often. In the past those behaviors have been accompanied by binge drinking, drug use, and other assorted activities, though I've done pretty well to curb them in the recent past.
   
2. I often form intense relationships with people that 'ebb and flow' in a manner that seems erratic to my mind. For instance, I am dating a woman in my mind who is absolutely incredible: I can't get enough of her, she's a perfect match for me intellectually, physically, and ethically. However, I go through these strange blips of absolutely hating her for no reason that I can find. I'm just suddenly overcome by this loathing, this sense of shame and disgust towards her very proximity to me. I know it's not rational, but I just want her to leave me alone about 5-10% of the time. We don't live together, by the way (so I haven't physically seen her in a few weeks).
   
3. I am 4/4 on the list of 'unstable relationships' from the linked site above. Not all of those happen at the same time, or even with the same people, but I can safely say that I have done every single one of those things more than twice. That alone seems to convince me that I have some form of BPD or something else quite like it. I don't feel resilient or well-adjusted: I feel lonely or empty for long periods of time, broken up by the depression that I mentioned above, or else by intense periods of rage. For most of my friends, they're either in 'best friend' territory or 'I would literally not help you if you were drowning' - and there is a very scant middle ground.

This is not a cry for pity, or for attention. To be honest, I mostly just wanted to write these words down, and have them kept somewhere that is not entirely in my control. I'd love to pretend that the writing was therapeutic - we'll say that it was. But the real reason I wrote all this is because I am looking for honest, helpful advice. I'm not sure what my next steps are. Practically speaking, my life is not too bad (other than being isolated from 99.9999% of the population, but really I don't mind the solitude and the silence): I've been promoted at my job, which has actually proven remarkably difficult. I haven't seen any of my family in 8 months, which is fantastic; if I could disappear from their lives without a trace, I would do it in a heartbeat.

So... what next? There are no doctor's offices open here for the kind of consultation that I want (I'm a Canadian currently living in the UK) as someone who only has their residence permit and not a general physician. I can't exactly go to a pharmacy and ask for medication without a prescription, and I am frankly not all that interested in that route in any case. What should my approach be?

[The Fury]

Spoiler: Here be Thoughts

Show

Right, so I am hardly a proponent of self-diagnosis - that is to say that I understand the inherent biases and lack of expertise, medical training and other flaws in that practice - but I am fairly positive that I am someone who suffers from at least a mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder. If not BPD, then I certainly have enough of the symptoms from that list that my problem is essentially the same.

1. I have been engaging in self-destructive and repetitive patterns of behavior since I was about fifteen years old. These patterns most commonly involve self-harm, ranging from minor cuts to more serious attempts. The physical harm is not especially common, but the 'burst periods' of intense sadness and depression leading to suicidal ideation definitely is. I find myself confronted with those thoughts rather often. In the past those behaviors have been accompanied by binge drinking, drug use, and other assorted activities, though I've done pretty well to curb them in the recent past.
   
2. I often form intense relationships with people that 'ebb and flow' in a manner that seems erratic to my mind. For instance, I am dating a woman in my mind who is absolutely incredible: I can't get enough of her, she's a perfect match for me intellectually, physically, and ethically. However, I go through these strange blips of absolutely hating her for no reason that I can find. I'm just suddenly overcome by this loathing, this sense of shame and disgust towards her very proximity to me. I know it's not rational, but I just want her to leave me alone about 5-10% of the time. We don't live together, by the way (so I haven't physically seen her in a few weeks).
   
3. I am 4/4 on the list of 'unstable relationships' from the linked site above. Not all of those happen at the same time, or even with the same people, but I can safely say that I have done every single one of those things more than twice. That alone seems to convince me that I have some form of BPD or something else quite like it. I don't feel resilient or well-adjusted: I feel lonely or empty for long periods of time, broken up by the depression that I mentioned above, or else by intense periods of rage. For most of my friends, they're either in 'best friend' territory or 'I would literally not help you if you were drowning' - and there is a very scant middle ground.

This is not a cry for pity, or for attention. To be honest, I mostly just wanted to write these words down, and have them kept somewhere that is not entirely in my control. I'd love to pretend that the writing was therapeutic - we'll say that it was. But the real reason I wrote all this is because I am looking for honest, helpful advice. I'm not sure what my next steps are. Practically speaking, my life is not too bad (other than being isolated from 99.9999% of the population, but really I don't mind the solitude and the silence): I've been promoted at my job, which has actually proven remarkably difficult. I haven't seen any of my family in 8 months, which is fantastic; if I could disappear from their lives without a trace, I would do it in a heartbeat.

So... what next? There are no doctor's offices open here for the kind of consultation that I want (I'm a Canadian currently living in the UK) as someone who only has their residence permit and not a general physician. I can't exactly go to a pharmacy and ask for medication without a prescription, and I am frankly not all that interested in that route in any case. What should my approach be?

Spoiler: Thoughts about thoughts

Show

I can't in good conscience tell you what to do next. I'm not a mental health expert of any kind, so there's virtually nothing that I can do in the way of practical advice. I've wondered about my own mental health condition too. I'm pretty sure that I have something, but I've never had any sort of formal diagnosis and I'm not even sure how I could get one.

All that being said, I've had feelings similar to yours and skimming the NHS article it's possible that I have BPD too.

Something in particular stuck out to me, You mentioned that you wanted to disappear from your family's lives without a trace. Why do you feel like that? That is, if you don't mind saying.

The best I can really do is wish you the best. It's not much. In fact, it's a half of a step above nothing, and for that I'm sorry. Good luck.

[Rydiro]

...

Get professional support. I know thats not easy, but even generalist doctors could probably point you in a better direction than this forum could.
I know, good doctors are rare. Good therapists are rare. And they might not be the same person.

And keep up working to better yourself, its a good thing, Im proud of you.

[Grytorm]

Depression is getting worse and I have discovered a major problem with refusing to talk to admit to others about my depression. Each time I lie and underplay how I am feeling it gets a little harder to admit to the habit.

Trying to come up with specifics about why I am depressed is difficult for a number of reasons. When I am feeling bad about myself in one way it tends to make me feel bad about a lot of things. And it takes a lot of effort to actually catalogue a list of petty complaints against my own character.

I guess a general feeling of pointlessness and frustration with my lack of focus. Guilt about how I act. Generic poor body image. Disorganized life. Being 26. Lack of friends (though it is better than a few years ago so it gets tricky) and a desire to enter into a relationship which I find perverse because it influences how I interact with most women and I feel like a creep.

To elaborate. A couple of older women who are friends with the family I get annoying intrusive thoughts. Women around my age, especially smart interesting ones, I end up developing attraction and romantic desires in relation to them seeking to interact more positively. I've gotten better at actually being generically friendly as well which is good. I really need to internalize that people are just being nice to me and that I should give up hope that anyone cares about me.

I know that is not the actual conclusion I should reach. But it nicely ties into feelings of hopelessness. I have doubts about my capacity for self improvement. I have come up with many okay ideas and abandoned them. Other ideas I have had I have only gone around in little pointless circles with them. My social life is weak, my circumstances make it difficult to improve, and I doubt I would enjoy some options for being social.

And tying back into the whole thing about crushes. I think it would be better if they never happened. I harbor no real hope of reciprocation and false hope leads only toward bad ends. Elevated feelings of despair. Or temptation toward innapropriate behavior.

Spoiler: Digression Predicting Responses

Show

Now to predict responses. I might be ignored which is always an interesting experience. Suggestions that I need to just focus on my general social life instead of actively look for a romantic partner becauae apparently it will somehow just happen. Reminders of the people close to me and how I improve their lives. Admonitions to be more open about my troubles to my family and my therapist. Advice that I should look into therapy. Claims of being here if I need it.

[The Fury]

Depression is getting worse and I have discovered a major problem with refusing to talk to admit to others about my depression. Each time I lie and underplay how I am feeling it gets a little harder to admit to the habit.

Trying to come up with specifics about why I am depressed is difficult for a number of reasons. When I am feeling bad about myself in one way it tends to make me feel bad about a lot of things. And it takes a lot of effort to actually catalogue a list of petty complaints against my own character.

I guess a general feeling of pointlessness and frustration with my lack of focus. Guilt about how I act. Generic poor body image. Disorganized life. Being 26. Lack of friends (though it is better than a few years ago so it gets tricky) and a desire to enter into a relationship which I find perverse because it influences how I interact with most women and I feel like a creep.

To elaborate. A couple of older women who are friends with the family I get annoying intrusive thoughts. Women around my age, especially smart interesting ones, I end up developing attraction and romantic desires in relation to them seeking to interact more positively. I've gotten better at actually being generically friendly as well which is good. I really need to internalize that people are just being nice to me and that I should give up hope that anyone cares about me.

I know that is not the actual conclusion I should reach. But it nicely ties into feelings of hopelessness. I have doubts about my capacity for self improvement. I have come up with many okay ideas and abandoned them. Other ideas I have had I have only gone around in little pointless circles with them. My social life is weak, my circumstances make it difficult to improve, and I doubt I would enjoy some options for being social.

And tying back into the whole thing about crushes. I think it would be better if they never happened. I harbor no real hope of reciprocation and false hope leads only toward bad ends. Elevated feelings of despair. Or temptation toward innapropriate behavior.

Spoiler: Digression Predicting Responses

Show

Now to predict responses. I might be ignored which is always an interesting experience. Suggestions that I need to just focus on my general social life instead of actively look for a romantic partner becauae apparently it will somehow just happen. Reminders of the people close to me and how I improve their lives. Admonitions to be more open about my troubles to my family and my therapist. Advice that I should look into therapy. Claims of being here if I need it.

Mostly drawing on my own experience here, yours might be different. Trying to talk about the specifics of depression is hard, just because it's... not neat. Causes of depression don't often come in tidy little categories that you can point at and say, "yeah, that."

On that note, do you think frank discussions about how you're feeling might help?

[Powerdork]

It's hard to relate to people.

It's always been hard to relate to people, from my first memories of thinking about how other people matter to me, but these days it's getting harder. Nobody in my circles has the time (or if they have the time, they don't have the interest) to talk or interact in any way about things that matter to me (or if something matters to both of us, it's something that talking about would be unproductive, like politics), and in part because of money troubles and in part because I'm not in the US, I'm unable to experience things that will help me bond with others, such as watching recent films, or playing video games.

I can't get a well-paying job because I work in a family business with the opposite of a schedule (I just worked a 21-hour day after about 5 months of inactivity), and the work dried up because of public health concerns but this also means I can't get a job.

And I'm not even going to start on gender and how people treat the Other.

I'm so tired of it all.

[Grytorm]

Mostly drawing on my own experience here, yours might be different. Trying to talk about the specifics of depression is hard, just because it's... not neat. Causes of depression don't often come in tidy little categories that you can point at and say, "yeah, that."

On that note, do you think frank discussions about how you're feeling might help?

Yeah in general just talking about how I am feeling is a big help which makes trying to hide stuff really stupid. As for causes and stuff. Yeah it is just general everything I guess because I don't really have any major stressors in my life. Which I think is probably really good because stressors + depression are not a safe combination.

[The Fury]

It's hard to relate to people.

It's always been hard to relate to people, from my first memories of thinking about how other people matter to me, but these days it's getting harder. Nobody in my circles has the time (or if they have the time, they don't have the interest) to talk or interact in any way about things that matter to me (or if something matters to both of us, it's something that talking about would be unproductive, like politics), and in part because of money troubles and in part because I'm not in the US, I'm unable to experience things that will help me bond with others, such as watching recent films, or playing video games.

I can't get a well-paying job because I work in a family business with the opposite of a schedule (I just worked a 21-hour day after about 5 months of inactivity), and the work dried up because of public health concerns but this also means I can't get a job.

And I'm not even going to start on gender and how people treat the Other.

I'm so tired of it all.

I feel the whole not relating well to other people. I don't think you're dealing with something that's specifically like my experience, but I do wish that I had more to talk about with other people. I don't know if you need constructive advice right now, if you do I'm sorry, I don't have any. The best I can really do for anyone right now is to pay attention to what they have to say.

Yeah in general just talking about how I am feeling is a big help which makes trying to hide stuff really stupid. As for causes and stuff. Yeah it is just general everything I guess because I don't really have any major stressors in my life. Which I think is probably really good because stressors + depression are not a safe combination.

If it's helping, then you should definitely do it. Keep posting here, and I'll do my best to keep reading and keep responding. Whatever you're comfortable sharing.

It's true. Depression and stress tend to result in worse depression and worse stress. That's how it goes with trying to manage mine anyway.

[Grytorm]

If it's helping, then you should definitely do it. Keep posting here, and I'll do my best to keep reading and keep responding. Whatever you're comfortable sharing.

It's true. Depression and stress tend to result in worse depression and worse stress. That's how it goes with trying to manage mine anyway.

What do I have to say. I guess I can say a little about feelings of futility. I still live at home, I have never had a job, never been on a real date, I have lots of ideas but I have never made anything of them, I'm bad at roleplaying, I spend much of my time playing videogames I never finish, I don't really know if I have any goals right now, and probably some other stuff I can't think of at the moment. Ah, I don't play with my cat or the new dog enough. Mhmm. There is also the fact that I can't really get much reading done despite the wonderful opportunity presented by current conditions. Though part of that is the large piles of books I have that I want to read and trying to get through books even if they haven't grabbed my attention. And feelings that I have wasted my potential.

In high school I was smart, it was about the only compliment anyone could think of for an activity in Spanish class. I did great until Senior year when I started to struggle. The struggling and the delaying and the poor performance worsened at the university where I was at first going to study engineering. After a year in which I failed numerous classes including ballroom dancing I ended up returning home and signing up for community college. There I did well again and I eventually decided to go into history as a major. From there i started going to another university which I feel like I don't have time to talk about now.

[The Fury]

What do I have to say. I guess I can say a little about feelings of futility. I still live at home, I have never had a job, never been on a real date, I have lots of ideas but I have never made anything of them, I'm bad at roleplaying, I spend much of my time playing videogames I never finish, I don't really know if I have any goals right now, and probably some other stuff I can't think of at the moment. Ah, I don't play with my cat or the new dog enough. Mhmm. There is also the fact that I can't really get much reading done despite the wonderful opportunity presented by current conditions. Though part of that is the large piles of books I have that I want to read and trying to get through books even if they haven't grabbed my attention. And feelings that I have wasted my potential.

I feel some of that too. Especially lately, I have trouble focusing on anything longer than a few minutes. I'm not sure if you're feeling guilty about not using your sudden abundance of time well, but I feel like there's a lot of people that are feeling sad and unmotivated. Has it been this way for a long time for you, or is it mostly recent?

In high school I was smart, it was about the only compliment anyone could think of for an activity in Spanish class. I did great until Senior year when I started to struggle. The struggling and the delaying and the poor performance worsened at the university where I was at first going to study engineering. After a year in which I failed numerous classes including ballroom dancing I ended up returning home and signing up for community college. There I did well again and I eventually decided to go into history as a major. From there i started going to another university which I feel like I don't have time to talk about now.

Could it be that you still are smart? I mean, maybe you hit a slump during your senior year and you needed some time to get out of it?

[darkdragoon]

I was tabbed as gifted early on but in a sense that was kind of like "eh, go do this activity" instead of really focusing on my talents and weaknesses. As it is age 17-19 was kind of a perfect storm. I think for me the bothersome part was thinking that I still could have or more aptly should have trudged through, and that by simply going through the motions a lot of friction would have been avoided.

Early 200s I thought I had everything in order both in love and war shall we say but none of that panned out. So I continued to tread water until my current job which has its highs and lows but I am happy where I am professionally.

Personally I haven't exactly been a stud either but I do think it's funny certain work colleagues seem to bring up the "so you don't mind that I have kids" and the like. I was even kind of joking with one "it's nice that I have options but I wish one of you ladies would step forward."

[Thrawn4]

I've had fears about myself for years now. I worry that I'm a monster wearing a mask of a decent person. A mask that's so convincing that even I think it's real sometimes. Moments like people leaving are hard for me because in that moment, I feel like my worst fear about myself is completely true.

That statement caught my attention.

You know, I am a firm believer of the phrase "Words are cheap", in the sense of "Deeds matter more than words."

And then I had a closer look at this thread.

Mostly drawing on my own experience here, yours might be different. Trying to talk about the specifics of depression is hard, just because it's... not neat. Causes of depression don't often come in tidy little categories that you can point at and say, "yeah, that."

On that note, do you think frank discussions about how you're feeling might help?

--> you offering advice and help

The best I can really do for anyone right now is to pay attention to what they have to say.

--> you helping just by listening

Could it be that you still are smart? I mean, maybe you hit a slump during your senior year and you needed some time to get out of it?

--> you offering support


And all of this is only from the current page, which means there is probably a lot more if I had an even closer look.
It doesn't strike me as monstrous.
Quite the contrary, I get the impression of someone who helps others despite being in a bad place. That's the kind of person people want to be friends with. It's definitely a quality I am looking for in a friend.

So I guess it is around this time that the mean little voice in your head is contradicting me. Maybe something along the lines of "Well I didn't really help them. I didn't really change things."
Which is bull**** for two reasons:
First, just being there can be a tremendous support. You probably know that feeling, it's why most of us come to this thread.
Second, and even more important, the facts STILL contradict the theory of your being a monster. Monsters don't help, good folks do.
You are good people to have around.

Fear is a liar. Don't let it get to you.

[The Fury]

Thrawn4, I unfortunately don't have a response as well thought out as yours. I am actually crying right now. All I can really say is thank you. Thank you for putting in so much effort to try understanding me and some of my worst fears. It really does mean a lot.

[Grytorm]

Well sorry I didn't keep posting I think. Didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to say. But thank you for the responses I got from you The Fury. Deppression ebbs and flows and it has come back to trouble me again. Its fairly nonspecific feeling just bad about myself, nothing new really to add compared to last time. Did the stupid thing and didn't say too much about my depression when talking to my psychologist and my psychiatrist. Mind has been retreading some really dark spaces but it doesn't feel too overwhelming at the moment.

[The Fury]

Well sorry I didn't keep posting I think. Didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to say. But thank you for the responses I got from you The Fury. Deppression ebbs and flows and it has come back to trouble me again. Its fairly nonspecific feeling just bad about myself, nothing new really to add compared to last time. Did the stupid thing and didn't say too much about my depression when talking to my psychologist and my psychiatrist. Mind has been retreading some really dark spaces but it doesn't feel too overwhelming at the moment.

I appreciate you taking the time to thank me, I'm glad that I was able to be kind of helpful. Anyway, don't worry too much about posting. Just do it when you feel like it's appropriate or might help you.

Would you say you've got your depression to a point where it's manageable though? I mean, if you're anything like me, it never really goes away. Some days are better than others though.

[The Fury]

Ever have one of those epiphanies that just makes you feel worse about yourself?

Something that caused some friction with friends is the fact that I tend to assume that I'm not invited to things unless I'm told specifically that I am. You know, like a vampire.

It makes sense to me anyway, I don't want to impose. People have their own lives and it's not fair for me to needlessly insert myself into them. Though this seems to cause some frustration with me. I'm always assuming that someone is asking me to give them a lift to a friend's house or they need time away from me. It never occurs to me that someone might want me to stay. This has actually gotten friends outright mad at me after the fact. Most of the time though, it usually comes to an "I don't understand. Why are you like this?" sort of conversation.

When my sister came to visit late at night, unannounced and immediately got into how messy the house was, I started thinking about how my relationship with her went. We'd lived together for most of our lives, though we're pretty distant in our adult lives. If she had a friend visit from out of town or if she was hosting a party, I'd be asked to leave the house until the guest(s) went home. Usually I'd be asked to get ingredients for something at the store or help clean before leaving. Just to be clear, I love my sister, I'm just starting to think that our relationship might not be good. Further, maybe I picked up some lessons that are actively damaging my other relationships?

Also, sorry. This thread is really turning into "The The Fury Show."

[HalfTangible]

Also, sorry. This thread is really turning into "The The Fury Show."

Eh. *shrug* If ya got problems you should talk about them. My current woes and anger deal with various people on the forums at the moment (getting kicked out of a friends group, for example, and the realization that I shouldn't have even tried to be friends with certain people in the first place esp past a certain point) which makes them hard to talk about.

[el minster]

Fury, this thread is called the "personal woes and advice thread" so if your a human you post your woes here.

[The Fury]

Eh. *shrug* If ya got problems you should talk about them. My current woes and anger deal with various people on the forums at the moment (getting kicked out of a friends group, for example, and the realization that I shouldn't have even tried to be friends with certain people in the first place esp past a certain point) which makes them hard to talk about.

I mean, understandable. A lot of times, I post things here because the people that I'm afraid to share with probably will never read them. I just get a little nervous when the last one to post here is me.

Fury, this thread is called the "personal woes and advice thread" so if your a human you post your woes here.

What if I'm a roughly human-shaped shambling mass?

[Mith]

What if I'm a roughly human-shaped shambling mass?

That's a 1st approximation of a human.

Possessing worries and anxieties about life is another good indicator.

[el minster]

I officially feel god-awful. Like, no appetite, don't want to do anything, randomly tearing up, that kind of god-awful. I have a session with a counselor scheduled for tomorrow morning but I just felt like I needed to, I don't know, put that out there the only way I can, which is (more or less) anonymously. The pressure is seriously grinding me down.

We're here to listen. Maybe you have allergies not that I'm a doctor or anything.

[HalfTangible]

This weekend, my mother went to the beach with my grandparents and I told her A) I have a job interview on Tuesday (this afternoon) and B) I don't want to go down there with her. I had to tell her this thrice before she stopped assuming I was going down regardless. Last night I found out she told my little brother that I was coming up Tuesday, and when I confronted her about it she said it would be "nice" for her parents to have all 4 grandkids there at the same time.

Here's the thing: I've been dealing with her and her parents on a near-constant basis for the entire year. Mammaw had to stay at our house for about 2 months and she's got dementia so we spent that entire period basically unable to sleep and catering to her every whim (Then she came back with no warning for a while), including but not limited to poop on the nightstand. We've been in quarantine for most of that time as well, so I've been dealing with Mom on a constant basis. She can't walk much so if I do go down there all I'm going to do is be her manservant for the entire time I'm there. She has other people there who can help her but I know from experience she'll make me do it.

I just want some time alone but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I get voluntold anyway

I had to hold myself back from cursing her out last night. I wanted to call her needy and say she was taking my help for granted. Instead I reminded her about the job interview, and she asked if it was online, ie if I could go down there and have it anyway, I said no and she backed off.

I really feel like I'm just going to cater to her every whim for the rest of my life. She insists that this isn't the case and that if I do manage to get a job somewhere that she'll be fine on her own. I don't believe her. Bro's never home, Dad is basically a divorcee in all but name at this point (on the other side of the planet to boot), and everyone else in our family is busy AF. The only reason I won't be doing her bidding for the rest of my days is that I'm going to outlive her (hopefully).

It's not even like "come be with your grandparents for a week" is an unreasonable request I'm just sick and tired of doing whatever she says and her expecting me to put my life on hold indefinitely.

[The Fury]

I officially feel god-awful. Like, no appetite, don't want to do anything, randomly tearing up, that kind of god-awful. I have a session with a counselor scheduled for tomorrow morning but I just felt like I needed to, I don't know, put that out there the only way I can, which is (more or less) anonymously. The pressure is seriously grinding me down.

Does it seem like external pressure? Do you feel like you know where it's coming from?

It's good that you're seeking help, and I hope counseling helps you get better.

This weekend, my mother went to the beach with my grandparents and I told her A) I have a job interview on Tuesday (this afternoon) and B) I don't want to go down there with her. I had to tell her this thrice before she stopped assuming I was going down regardless. Last night I found out she told my little brother that I was coming up Tuesday, and when I confronted her about it she said it would be "nice" for her parents to have all 4 grandkids there at the same time.

Here's the thing: I've been dealing with her and her parents on a near-constant basis for the entire year. Mammaw had to stay at our house for about 2 months and she's got dementia so we spent that entire period basically unable to sleep and catering to her every whim (Then she came back with no warning for a while), including but not limited to poop on the nightstand. We've been in quarantine for most of that time as well, so I've been dealing with Mom on a constant basis. She can't walk much so if I do go down there all I'm going to do is be her manservant for the entire time I'm there. She has other people there who can help her but I know from experience she'll make me do it.

I just want some time alone but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I get voluntold anyway

I had to hold myself back from cursing her out last night. I wanted to call her needy and say she was taking my help for granted. Instead I reminded her about the job interview, and she asked if it was online, ie if I could go down there and have it anyway, I said no and she backed off.

I really feel like I'm just going to cater to her every whim for the rest of my life. She insists that this isn't the case and that if I do manage to get a job somewhere that she'll be fine on her own. I don't believe her. Bro's never home, Dad is basically a divorcee in all but name at this point (on the other side of the planet to boot), and everyone else in our family is busy AF. The only reason I won't be doing her bidding for the rest of my days is that I'm going to outlive her (hopefully).

It's not even like "come be with your grandparents for a week" is an unreasonable request I'm just sick and tired of doing whatever she says and her expecting me to put my life on hold indefinitely.

That doesn't sound like you're getting fair treatment. I mean, you said that you had an interview that conflicted. She should have just let the matter drop.