Personal Woes and Advice 6

[The Fury]

Mainly internal, although the external pressures of working 2 jobs while being a full-time student aren't helping (which is a heck of a thing, considering I love my jobs and usually enjoy school, but now they just seem like added stressors).

OK. If you having someone to help you sort through it here is helpful, I'll do my best. Do you think taking a break from one of your jobs might help? Is there vacation time you can use?

[The Fury]

I appreciate that but honestly I think I just needed to, I don't know, verbalize it. I'm not the kinda guy who likes to bare his soul to friends/family/partners so as far as people in my personal life are concerned I'm doing A-Okay and I just kinda needed to say somewhere that I'm not.

That's valid. I feel like I may have a bit of the opposite problem and feel the need to bare my soul a little too much. In any case, it's OK to not be doing great. If that makes any sense.

[Grytorm]

Mind going in dark dangerous directions. I had better things to say about the problem but I seem to have forgotten them. I blame being tired.

[The Fury]

Mind going in dark dangerous directions. I had better things to say about the problem but I seem to have forgotten them. I blame being tired.

Have you been getting enough rest? We're here if you need to talk about it if you need. Even if the specifics are sort of vague in your mind right now. My PMs are open to you as well, if you like.

[Grytorm]

Have you been getting enough rest? We're here if you need to talk about it if you need. Even if the specifics are sort of vague in your mind right now. My PMs are open to you as well, if you like.

In general I don't get enough sleep. Combination of not going lights out super early and for the last seeral months I have been waking up around 6:00.

As for why I am depressed... I recognize that any reasons I give aren't necessarily the underlying issue. Because I can find a lot of things to criticise myself for and oftentimes I dwell on them thinking Iam a terrible person. But those in many ways are distractions. Especially if I go looking for advice that I know I am unlikely to follow through with. That is actually another thing that weighs on me. The feeling that I am imcapable of change and that I have wasted the greater amount of time in which I will have to improve myself (I am 26 which feels old because of all the years I have been depressed and disatisfied with my achievments). I am perhaps one of the few people who truly missess high school. I had hope then.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

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The dark thoughts and stuff I mentioned are increasing thoughts of suicide. They have happened off and on since I tried to kill myself but a few days ago they felt worse. Right now I think I feel a little better, it feels more like an echo than an original thought. I'm very glad that I do not have any deadlines like the looming shadow of academic failure that lead to the aforementioned attempt.

I am unfortunately resistant to talking to anyone close to me. I can give reasons but I don't really know why. I can be rather stubborn like that.

I want to say more. More introspective dross on my state of mind. But I can't really think of anything. All that I can think of is empty attempts at articulating why I dont reach out and a piteous catalogue of my percieved failings. There's a new one. Using the predicted reassurance that the people around me don't see me the way I do to undermine my confidence in what positive traits I percieve myself to have.

[The Fury]

In general I don't get enough sleep. Combination of not going lights out super early and for the last seeral months I have been waking up around 6:00.

As for why I am depressed... I recognize that any reasons I give aren't necessarily the underlying issue. Because I can find a lot of things to criticise myself for and oftentimes I dwell on them thinking Iam a terrible person. But those in many ways are distractions. Especially if I go looking for advice that I know I am unlikely to follow through with. That is actually another thing that weighs on me. The feeling that I am imcapable of change and that I have wasted the greater amount of time in which I will have to improve myself (I am 26 which feels old because of all the years I have been depressed and disatisfied with my achievments). I am perhaps one of the few people who truly missess high school. I had hope then.

I've fallen into that trap a few times as well-- dwelling on my shortcomings and feeling like I'm a bad person. Even though I might feel that way about myself, I know that at least a few people don't think of me like that. It's very confusing, because they seem to see something in me that I can't.

Could it be similar for you? For my own part I try to respect the opinions of people that see a better side to me, even though I don't really understand them. Maybe it's even been kind of helpful? It might be kind of helpful for you too?

By the way, sorry. I'm not trying to make this about me, it's just that I can't think of a way to relate to this without bringing in my own personal experience.

I think missing High School is more common than a lot of people assume. I don't personally, but I know people that do. What was it about High School that you miss? I mean, you mention that you had hope, but was there anything that made you feel that way?

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Show

The dark thoughts and stuff I mentioned are increasing thoughts of suicide. They have happened off and on since I tried to kill myself but a few days ago they felt worse. Right now I think I feel a little better, it feels more like an echo than an original thought. I'm very glad that I do not have any deadlines like the looming shadow of academic failure that lead to the aforementioned attempt.

I am unfortunately resistant to talking to anyone close to me. I can give reasons but I don't really know why. I can be rather stubborn like that.

I want to say more. More introspective dross on my state of mind. But I can't really think of anything. All that I can think of is empty attempts at articulating why I dont reach out and a piteous catalogue of my percieved failings. There's a new one. Using the predicted reassurance that the people around me don't see me the way I do to undermine my confidence in what positive traits I percieve myself to have.

Spoiler: TW

Show

Yeah, sometimes your mind can go to a pretty dark place. It's understandable that you'd be resistant to talking to people that you're close to about it. I know that I was when I was feeling suicidal. It's a very personal kind of darkness if that makes any sense. As for anything else you want to get out there... give it time. Let those thoughts form. I'll listen. And if things get really bad, you're in the US, right? The number for the National Suicide Prevention Line is 1-800-273-8255. Sometimes the sound of another voice telling you to hold on can really make a difference.

In the meantime, it seems like you work really hard. Maybe that's something that you feel like you need to do. Maybe it gives you some satisfaction. And that's OK. Just remember to make some time to take care of yourself too, OK?

[The Fury]

I've been feeling sort of strange lately, and I was hoping that I could get some outside thoughts on this.

I struggle a lot with getting close to people and the idea that I have value beyond what I can do for people.

Occasionally I get little reminders that I am needed and wanted, which should make me feel better. It doesn't. Where I'm at right now... I kind of want to be available in situations where I might be useful, and to not exist at all every other time. That's kind of strange, right?

Also, I think isolation is turning me into someone I don't like. It's happened before and I'm scared that it will happen again.

[el minster]

Talk to people, friends, family, and just random people, as long as they're good people :)

[The Fury]

Talk to people, friends, family, and just random people, as long as they're good people :)

That's probably the smart option. Right now though, I'm worried that no one wants to see me and I feel like I should just find a hole to die in.

I'm ashamed to admit that I feel that way, because I know how unproductive that is.

[Mith]

That's probably the smart option. Right now though, I'm worried that no one wants to see me and I feel like I should just find a hole to die in.

I'm ashamed to admit that I feel that way, because I know how unproductive that is.

Could you plan for short calls/video chats with various people to keep connections going? That's usually what I end up leaning on. It's long enough to get social interactions but short enough that you don't have your own thoughts spoiling a good time.

[The Fury]

Could you plan for short calls/video chats with various people to keep connections going? That's usually what I end up leaning on. It's long enough to get social interactions but short enough that you don't have your own thoughts spoiling a good time.

Short enough that my own thoughts won't spoil a good time? Sorry, I genuinely find this confusing. Maybe I misunderstood, but is that how it works for you? Like negativity goes away long enough that you can have a nice conversation with a friend?

It isn't really like that for me. Not where I'm at right now anyway. My brain is screaming at me to die and it won't shut up.

[el minster]

Short enough that my own thoughts won't spoil a good time? Sorry, I genuinely find this confusing. Maybe I misunderstood, but is that how it works for you? Like negativity goes away long enough that you can have a nice conversation with a friend?

It isn't really like that for me. Not where I'm at right now anyway. My brain is screaming at me to die and it won't shut up.

He means that the joy from seeing them will last until your done and you'll still be happy even if youfeel awkward or whatever.

[dehro]

Short enough that my own thoughts won't spoil a good time? Sorry, I genuinely find this confusing. Maybe I misunderstood, but is that how it works for you? Like negativity goes away long enough that you can have a nice conversation with a friend?

It isn't really like that for me. Not where I'm at right now anyway. My brain is screaming at me to die and it won't shut up.

I am going through a rough patch on several fronts, last but not least my job security. Today in particular was not a good day.
Today I videochatted for about 5 minutes with an elderly gentleman who owns a company where he is considering hiring me.

There is a good chance that I will not be able to accept any job offer he might make because of a non compete clause with my current employer (we will be looking into it), and there is also a strong resistance on my part because it would require me to move back to Italy, something I don't really fancy for a number of reasons which also have to do with the rough patches I mentioned before... so this is not something I am gung-ho about at all..

but the mere fact that this 80+ year old CEO took 5 minutes of his day to skype with me and put a face to a name, has definitely brought my spirits up a great deal compared to where my mind was but 3 hours ago.
Also, in preparation of the call I brushed my hair and put a shirt on (still in my shorts otherwise, because let's be real, working from home is awesome for a reason)... the point is, knowing that a conversation was coming up, especially with someone who came looking for me, has made me make an effort. I prepared and tried to look if not my best, my achievable best.

if you have people who, for whatever reason, look for you or manifest an interest in talking to you, treasure that and use it.. milk it for all it's worth.
Turn a whatsapp message in a video, jump on skype or see them in person, don't shut down conversations and make an effort to connect in equal measure at least to the effort they are making towards you.
at the very worst it won't help you a great deal, but you might just be helping them more than you know.. and it might actually rise your spirits the way interpersonal connections are meant to do.

[Mith]

Short enough that my own thoughts won't spoil a good time? Sorry, I genuinely find this confusing. Maybe I misunderstood, but is that how it works for you? Like negativity goes away long enough that you can have a nice conversation with a friend?

It isn't really like that for me. Not where I'm at right now anyway. My brain is screaming at me to die and it won't shut up.

I think other people have rephrased my point. However, I usually have found that in bad spells, having short visits mean that I can enjoy the conversation while it lasts, and the internal screaming stops for a bit. However, if the conversation goes on for too long, negative thoughts start bleeding through what was a good visit I was enjoying up until that point.

It isn't a permeant fix, but it is some rest and respite from the screaming. At the very least, it is a stress relief, that if done regularly may help shift your general thought patterns. I would look into the signs and coping mechanisms around rejection sensitivity and see if that gives you some insights into what may also help. Unfortunately, my readings on the subject is that there is no "fix". You just reach a tipping point where things do not hit quite as hard.

[The Fury]

He means that the joy from seeing them will last until your done and you'll still be happy even if youfeel awkward or whatever.

Oh...

I think other people have rephrased my point. However, I usually have found that in bad spells, having short visits mean that I can enjoy the conversation while it lasts, and the internal screaming stops for a bit. However, if the conversation goes on for too long, negative thoughts start bleeding through what was a good visit I was enjoying up until that point.

It isn't a permeant fix, but it is some rest and respite from the screaming. At the very least, it is a stress relief, that if done regularly may help shift your general thought patterns. I would look into the signs and coping mechanisms around rejection sensitivity and see if that gives you some insights into what may also help. Unfortunately, my readings on the subject is that there is no "fix". You just reach a tipping point where things do not hit quite as hard.

I really wish that I knew more people that could just talk and ramble on. I'm not good at talking without getting depressive and stupid. I know this makes me hard to deal with, and I feel like most people I know are glad to get a break from me.

I did read a little about rejection sensitivity. Yeah... that sounds familiar. I don't have an official diagnosis for any kind of anxiety disorder, (no, I can't get one,) but I gather that it's something common for people with anxiety. Thankfully though, I'm really feeling bad anymore. I'm not really feeling good. I'm just sort of... numb right now. I don't really feel anything, and maybe that's OK.

[Mith]

Oh...



I really wish that I knew more people that could just talk and ramble on. I'm not good at talking without getting depressive and stupid. I know this makes me hard to deal with, and I feel like most people I know are glad to get a break from me.

I did read a little about rejection sensitivity. Yeah... that sounds familiar. I don't have an official diagnosis for any kind of anxiety disorder, (no, I can't get one,) but I gather that it's something common for people with anxiety. Thankfully though, I'm really feeling bad anymore. I'm not really feeling good. I'm just sort of... numb right now. I don't really feel anything, and maybe that's OK.

If you worry about "pushing people away for rambling", have you ever done "facilitating" conversation? By this I mean let the other person pitch the topic and engage that way. Ideally, this can allow for you to weave in your own thoughts into the discussion without you having to worry about driving people away.

Plus you say you feel that people want a break from you. Is that based on actual experience or what you feel is "self evident truth"? Because you cannot say that when you are far into a depressive state that you guarantee to hold an "objective" perspective.

[The Fury]

If you worry about "pushing people away for rambling", have you ever done "facilitating" conversation? By this I mean let the other person pitch the topic and engage that way. Ideally, this can allow for you to weave in your own thoughts into the discussion without you having to worry about driving people away.

Plus you say you feel that people want a break from you. Is that based on actual experience or what you feel is "self evident truth"? Because you cannot say that when you are far into a depressive state that you guarantee to hold an "objective" perspective.

I guess I didn't phrase my last post that well. Sorry about that. I'm not worried about pushing people away because I ramble, I'm worried that I'll push people away because I might say something creepy. My thought is that if I could talk with someone that does ramble, maybe I won't be able to get a word in edgewise. Then I won't say anything... too dark.

As for people needing a break from me... Maybe they haven't said so. Probably because it might come off as rude if they did. I know what I'm about though. I know that I can be a lot, I know that I'm draining to be around. I know that my friends only have so much energy to give people. Especially since I got to a point where I'm not really feeling anything, functionally I'm... OK.

[el minster]

I guess I didn't phrase my last post that well. Sorry about that. I'm not worried about pushing people away because I ramble, I'm worried that I'll push people away because I might say something creepy. My thought is that if I could talk with someone that does ramble, maybe I won't be able to get a word in edgewise. Then I won't say anything... too dark.

As for people needing a break from me... Maybe they haven't said so. Probably because it might come off as rude if they did. I know what I'm about though. I know that I can be a lot, I know that I'm draining to be around. I know that my friends only have so much energy to give people. Especially since I got to a point where I'm not really feeling anything, functionally I'm... OK.

It's not that I don't ramble, it's that I don't type quickly.

[The Fury]

It's not that I don't ramble, it's that I don't type quickly.

That's alright. Maybe I just need to have a conversation with someone that won't let me speak.

[Asmotherion]

I guess I didn't phrase my last post that well. Sorry about that. I'm not worried about pushing people away because I ramble, I'm worried that I'll push people away because I might say something creepy. My thought is that if I could talk with someone that does ramble, maybe I won't be able to get a word in edgewise. Then I won't say anything... too dark.

As for people needing a break from me... Maybe they haven't said so. Probably because it might come off as rude if they did. I know what I'm about though. I know that I can be a lot, I know that I'm draining to be around. I know that my friends only have so much energy to give people. Especially since I got to a point where I'm not really feeling anything, functionally I'm... OK.

The above is a legit phobia, not sure how it's called though.

Thing is, it manifests because you give too much value to the oppinions of others.

"Creepy" is subjective. For example, I used to find it creepy when girls I dated would call me "baby" by the 3rd date. A friend of mine feels it shows affection, and feels flatered by it.

You can't please everyone. Focus on doing what you feel like, not how you'll appeal to other people. Some people might not like you, and that's alright, because those that will like you, will like you for your personality.

[The Fury]

The above is a legit phobia, not sure how it's called though.

Thing is, it manifests because you give too much value to the oppinions of others.

"Creepy" is subjective. For example, I used to find it creepy when girls I dated would call me "baby" by the 3rd date. A friend of mine feels it shows affection, and feels flatered by it.

You can't please everyone. Focus on doing what you feel like, not how you'll appeal to other people. Some people might not like you, and that's alright, because those that will like you, will like you for your personality.

I've been talking around it for a bit, maaaybe I should clarify what I mean by "creepy."

Spoiler: TW: suicide

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I've been feeling suicidal, and I know that's a really uncomfortable topic for a lot of people. It's understandable why people are uncomfortable with it, and I don't blame anyone for being upset about it. I've had thoughts and feeling on the subject that are... crass. The possibility of voicing these and horribly upsetting someone I care about makes me feel like garbage.

I occasionally call The National Suicide Prevention Line when things get really bad, so I'm not completely without support.

I be creeepy.

[Asmotherion]

I've been talking around it for a bit, maaaybe I should clarify what I mean by "creepy."

Spoiler: TW: suicide

Show

I've been feeling suicidal, and I know that's a really uncomfortable topic for a lot of people. It's understandable why people are uncomfortable with it, and I don't blame anyone for being upset about it. I've had thoughts and feeling on the subject that are... crass. The possibility of voicing these and horribly upsetting someone I care about makes me feel like garbage.

I occasionally call The National Suicide Prevention Line when things get really bad, so I'm not completely without support.

I be creeepy.

Nah, I don't find that creepy. To be perfectly honest with you, the only reason I sometimes avoid adressing suicide is that I fear something I may say may trigger a subconsious reaction that brings up depressive thoughts to the surface.

Spoiler

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I'm kinda bipolar myself, so I may not have suicidal tendencies, but I sure know what depression feels like, that's like half my life XD

[Mith]

I've been talking around it for a bit, maaaybe I should clarify what I mean by "creepy."

Spoiler: TW: suicide

Show

I've been feeling suicidal, and I know that's a really uncomfortable topic for a lot of people. It's understandable why people are uncomfortable with it, and I don't blame anyone for being upset about it. I've had thoughts and feeling on the subject that are... crass. The possibility of voicing these and horribly upsetting someone I care about makes me feel like garbage.

I occasionally call The National Suicide Prevention Line when things get really bad, so I'm not completely without support.

I be creeepy.

Spoiler: TW: suicide

Show

I had figured that is what you meant.

However, I think it depends on who you have around you. My close friend and I both struggle with a similar malaise and are able to prop each other up. More in the vein of "I personally do not feel like I have value, but you seem to see something worth keeping around, so I'll lean on that instead." I do not know your social circle if they are the sort of people that would be willing to offer such support, but that's a perspective I've used to get through my rough times.

Then again I at least have musings about being a net drain on everyone around me, and often think about being able to remove myself entirely from people's lives Marty McFly style at least once every three days. So I may be less disturbed by such creepy thoughts than the average person.

I am glad to hear you have some support, but I do suggest looking at something that gives you time to rest. Even if you feel you are not able to fully unpack anything.
There is only so much any one person can handle, so taking some time to recharge while you figure out tools to help handle your own dark thoughts and potentially lighten the load.

[The Fury]

I finally got around to talking to some of my friends about... everything. It went about as well as I could have reasonably hoped. Not to say that it went great, because it didn't. I keep a lot of my suffering to myself, especially the really scary stuff, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I think RJ's kind of mad at me now. They said that by not being forward, and not trusting my friends to be there for me, I kind of am hurting them. Going on to say that pushing friends away does neither them nor me any favors.

I don't think RJ will stay mad at me. I think they're just hurt that I didn't trust them as much as I probably should have. I still feel bad about what happened.

[dehro]

I finally got around to talking to some of my friends about... everything. It went about as well as I could have reasonably hoped. Not to say that it went great, because it didn't. I keep a lot of my suffering to myself, especially the really scary stuff, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I think RJ's kind of mad at me now. They said that by not being forward, and not trusting my friends to be there for me, I kind of am hurting them. Going on to say that pushing friends away does neither them nor me any favors.

I don't think RJ will stay mad at me. I think they're just hurt that I didn't trust them as much as I probably should have. I still feel bad about what happened.

You're focussing on the wrong part of what they are saying to you. Yes, they might be mad (I doubt they're seriously mad), but the important bit of that they have foster they can and want to be there for you. You gave friends and people who care for you. That should be your take away and focus, not that they're temporarily irritated and maybe a little annoyed that you didn't trust them

[The Fury]

You're focussing on the wrong part of what they are saying to you. Yes, they might be mad (I doubt they're seriously mad), but the important bit of that they have foster they can and want to be there for you. You gave friends and people who care for you. That should be your take away and focus, not that they're temporarily irritated and maybe a little annoyed that you didn't trust them

You're not entirely wrong. Maybe it's more accurate to say that RJ is hurt and frustrated with me. It's not like RJ is the sort of person to hold a grudge, so it'll probably be fine. And it's correct to say that RJ and others love and support me.

The whole thing still bothers me though. If my friend asked me outright if they had earned my trust, I would say "yes." So if I were asked why I won't allow the people I love to be there for me... I wouldn't have an answer.

[dehro]

You're not entirely wrong. Maybe it's more accurate to say that RJ is hurt and frustrated with me. It's not like RJ is the sort of person to hold a grudge, so it'll probably be fine. And it's correct to say that RJ and others love and support me.

The whole thing still bothers me though. If my friend asked me outright if they had earned my trust, I would say "yes." So if I were asked why I won't allow the people I love to be there for me... I wouldn't have an answer.

I know everything I need to do to keep on track with the things I am not doing, I know the solutions to most of my issues, both practical and emotional. I can't bring myself to implement them. If you ask me why, I am at much at a loss as you with your question.
Even as I sit here writing this in the hope of it helping you in some way, I know that it is as big a rationalisation of my own issues, and that by this token, it should help me too, but ultimately it won't
I don't know if we can help ourselves...
So let your friends help you and put your trust in them.

[Grytorm]

If I am feeling self pity should I talk about it.

[The Fury]

If I am feeling self pity should I talk about it.

If you want to, if you think it'll help.

[Jon_Dahl]

Words of wisdom are appreciated.

I play as a floorball goalkeeper. It is a pretty "grounded" position and my stance is almost always quite low, as seen in this picture. Sometimes opposition players stand in front of me, with their back at me, to block my view (i.e. interference). So far this has meant that there is a man's butt in front of my face, which means that I have to peak behind his waist and butt to see the ball.

Recently, I have played against a young woman, whose repertoire includes creating the aforementioned interference. There is something about having a female butt almost on my face during the games, and I have tried to analyze what it is my problem with this. I feel that men and women should be treated in the same way when we play (and everywhere, for that matter), and I am afraid that I might be sexually objectifying her if I looked at her butt from close range. That is why I try keep distance from her butt and position my face far from her butt, but this spoils my game. Nevertheless, I want to show that I am there to play the game and not look at her butt. On the other hand, my behavior is exactly the opposite from what I intend. I should behave in the same way with her butt almost on my face as I behave with a man's butt almost on my face. However, I feel uncomfortable in some undefined way when she does that and I have problems assessing my thoughts on the matter.

This is an example of blocking goalkeeper's sight, except that in her case, she is always facing the field and waiting: