Personal Woes and Advice 6

[The Fury]

I think I want to be semi-public about something that I've been feeling.

It's difficult for me to be sure how much is grounded in reality, and how much is just fear taking over. I feel like I can't hold on to friends. I think I'm just in a spot where I meet people that are always on their way to somewhere else.

It's not right for me to be upset or sad that people I love can escape to someplace better, on a certain level I am happy for them. All I can think about now though is how my friends will leave. When RJ moves to California for a game developer career and May goes off to Switzerland to be a concept artist, where does that leave me I guess.

I don't want to come off as ungrateful for my internet friends. I love you all too. My friends haven't left yet, but it just feels like they will. Someday. Maybe in a year? Two years? Five years?

I guess what I'm feeling is I want to hold on to my friends, but I don't want to hold them down either.

[Dezea]

I think I want to be semi-public about something that I've been feeling.

It's difficult for me to be sure how much is grounded in reality, and how much is just fear taking over. I feel like I can't hold on to friends. I think I'm just in a spot where I meet people that are always on their way to somewhere else.

It's not right for me to be upset or sad that people I love can escape to someplace better, on a certain level I am happy for them. All I can think about now though is how my friends will leave. When RJ moves to California for a game developer career and May goes off to Switzerland to be a concept artist, where does that leave me I guess.

I don't want to come off as ungrateful for my internet friends. I love you all too. My friends haven't left yet, but it just feels like they will. Someday. Maybe in a year? Two years? Five years?

I guess what I'm feeling is I want to hold on to my friends, but I don't want to hold them down either.

Hello,

I had quite the same problem : I'm in my early 30th, and all my friends seems to just start going away, some having children and going into the country, some having huge professionnal opportunities, and so on.

I found easier in the end to accept that some friendship end - or, at least, don't stay as strong as I wished - and to focus instead on making new one. I might seem naive, but I definitely think that new friendship should be actively searched, even if I do agree that it get harder as you get older.

I'm not sure how helpful this advice is, and I surely ain't helping with your friends going away, but I do think that a new friends is one of the most wonderful thing that can happen, and that we tend to forget that in this kind of thing, as much as with love, one shouldn't just wait for destiny to put the right people in front of him. If you start feeling lonely, maybe join some club ? (Well, D&D comes to mind, but as an aspiring painter, I met so many friends the last years painting)

Anyway, just don't forget that friends comes and go, that this is true for everyone and not you being rejected, and that as we grow older we should always try to find new people we wanna spend a little bit of our life with :)

[Comrade]

I think I want to be semi-public about something that I've been feeling.

It's difficult for me to be sure how much is grounded in reality, and how much is just fear taking over. I feel like I can't hold on to friends. I think I'm just in a spot where I meet people that are always on their way to somewhere else.

It's not right for me to be upset or sad that people I love can escape to someplace better, on a certain level I am happy for them. All I can think about now though is how my friends will leave. When RJ moves to California for a game developer career and May goes off to Switzerland to be a concept artist, where does that leave me I guess.

I don't want to come off as ungrateful for my internet friends. I love you all too. My friends haven't left yet, but it just feels like they will. Someday. Maybe in a year? Two years? Five years?

I guess what I'm feeling is I want to hold on to my friends, but I don't want to hold them down either.

Just because folks are moving on in life and going to new places doesn't mean your friendships with them have got to end. They might-- that's just the way things go; sometimes friends drift apart. But just as often friendships last and withstand the changes they go through. One of my oldest friends is a guy I hardly see any more because our lives have just changed that drastically-- but we still check in with one another every now and then, and when we're able to hang out, it's like no time has passed at all. Plus, these days it's easier than ever to stay connected. Phones, video chats, social media-- they may not be the same as hanging out in person but they mean friendships don't have to end just because of physical distance.

Again, sometimes friends just drift apart and that's the way it is. Not everybody sticks around-- which is why it's a good thing there's always new people to meet and form relationships with. I don't buy into the whole idea that you stop making friends once you reach a certain age. I have friendships going back years and years that mean a lot to me. I have friendships formed in the last year that mean a lot to me. While it's reasonable to want your friends to stay in your life, don't get to thinking that losing those friends means you'll wind up alone or something.

[The Fury]

I guess if the worst happens... don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened... right?

[Lissou]

I don't really need advice but I want to talk to someone, and I don't really have anyone else than this forum right now.

My husband was rushed in the hospital today. I think it's the 5th or 6th time this year. I suspect a septicemia based on his symptoms, which are the ones he's had before when he had a septicemia. He kept telling me not to call an ambulance, to just let him die so he could stop being a burden, but I called one anyway. He talked about how I betrayed his wishes, asking for the EMT to bring him back upstairs and that he was refusing treatment, but they said they couldn't do that.

Because of covid19, I can't visit him or check on him, and nobody there speaks English (it's been a huge problem on his previous visits, he doesn't understand them, they don't understand him) so I'm very worried. I'm worried they won't catch what's wrong and that he'll die. I'm worried he's there alone, dying, upset at me and himself, maybe feeling guilty. I can't be there with him or do anything to help him.

We're in France, and you may have been told that health care is free here. Surely enough, every EMT and doctor keeps telling us not to worry when he brings up costs, saying "this isn't the US". Yet we're already 20K euros in debt because he's not French, and despite being my husband he has no health care rights. Even health care meant for illegal immigrant doesn't apply to him, because he didn't come here illegally. We've been told before "If only he was here illegally!" and similar things. So he doesn't get the free health care for people who are here illegally, and he doesn't get the free health care for people who are here legally. I don't know what to do.
I'm on welfare, and he's on nothing as he can't even open a bank account here, let alone work or get any benefits whatsoever. Our rent is over the welfare we get, and we asked for rental help, but we need some papers signed by our landlord and we've asked months ago and never get an answer (I've asked again multiple times).
We've spent everything we'd tried saving the past ten years to maybe buy our own place someday. Soon we're going to be destitute. Despite this, I'm paying over a quarter of the welfare payment towards his medical debt, and it's still not enough. We keep getting messages from debt collectors. I don't know what else to do, but I certainly don't want him to die! He says it would solve everything because then I can just refuse his debt. If he's not allowed to use my free health care due to being married to me, they can't ask me to pay for his care regardless of us being married. They can't have it both ways. That's what he says, at least, I don't know if he's right, I don't care. I don't want him to die just because of money.

I'm at the end of my wits. I spend so much time taking care of him that I have missed interviews due to needing to rush him to the hospital, and he gets annoyed with me as it makes him feel like more of a burden. But I know if he was alone, he wouldn't call anyone and I could come home to find him dead.
I have some training starting again on Monday, it's 35 hours a week until November, in the hope that it may help me find a job in December. I'm terrified because there is no way he'll take care of himself, but if I stop going to the training they could make a case for me not seriously trying to get a job and I could lose my welfare.

I care about him topmost, all the rest is less important, but it won't disappear just because it's less important. I'm so stressed out and worried. Moving to France was supposed to help us, but in the US he had a good job and we were able to pay for health insurance, so even though it cost us tens of thousands of dollars a year, we were still much better off there than we are now. I know the situation in the US is bad right now and that we dodged a bullet but I worry we just jumped in the path of another.

Thanks everyone who read this, I needed to get everything off my chest. Thank you.

[Mith]

Lissou, I am sorry to hear what you and yours are going through. I hope that there is some means that your efforts will lead to a break through.

Spoiler: Thoughts (You do not need to read if you do not have to)

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I know that you are not looking for advice on this issue, but I do know that things are different in the middle of a crisis vs the outside perspective. I realise that you have probably already considered your options, but this is a case where second hand experience feels like it might apply.

I have had family that worked in government policy, so I do know that there can be people in goverment positions that recognise where people have fallen through the cracks at the boundary of policies. However, to get people out of those situations, you need someone in the policy position to actually help you out. Is there a government department that could do that in your case? This would be making the case of "your policy is failing here because everyone department is handing off the work to a different department, leaving us in a void (This is how I feel about the fact that there is an assumption that there should be no medical debt, but there very clearly is. The policy is written with a presumption of some "other safety net will do the work").

The reason I mention this is because I do know that these sorts of appeal processes can bring results. The people who work with these policies do tend to believe in the spirit of the policy, even if the letter imposes unintentional gaps. Forcing them to see the actual issue, rather than the "presumed policy issue" may bear fruit.

Again, I am not saying this will be 100% successful, but it might be a way to get past some of the barriers you are facing. Even if they can not give explicit support, they may be able to give better direction from the side of the policy management side.

[sktarq]

I don't really need advice but I want to talk to someone...Moving to France was supposed to help us....Thanks everyone who read this, I needed to get everything off my chest. Thank you.

***BIG HUGS***
*tea*
*cookies*
*tickets to unicorn petting zoo (with two complimentary clover tiramisu)*

Okay glad you got to scream that out a bit. I'm going to guess you have a social case worker and all that well handled as you seem the organized sort on this site at least.

But my real thing....this is going to be touchy...if he is asking to reuse medical care, sees himself as a burden, etc .... That's suicidal thinking....besides the fact that he is being more of a burden by not taking care of himself (forcing you to and thus miss interviews etc) you can't expect him to see that...not now...now both of you just need help with that...look at suicide hotlines or help groups...see if any speak english locally or look up internet based ones for VOIP/skype/zoom type interaction. And poke around for support for yourself. You may have to let his doctors know (painful and may feel like another betrayal), only you can make that choice.

Spoiler: other thoughts

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That is a huge burden you are shouldering right now. And it is also a huge amount of emotional labour involved. Just getting through the day may be blinding you to larger options...that's not a criticism its just an issue with trench level perspective. So please look for any social worker or lawyer you can...or eight...that may have the distance, perspective, and knowledge of the system to help you....

And guessing things are pretty bad with all this stress. Remember to take care of yourself and your bond as well...don't forget the 2 Euro wine, tarted up open faced cheese sandwiches as a picnic somewhere you both like, read to him,
Put on a nice dress or whatever makes you feel good about yourself and find a riverbank or orchard to frolic and feel happy for a few minutes a day.


Have you tried any US routes of help? Consulate? Him possibly able to work remotely and use that to transfer back to Oregon or wherever and get expensive if functional medical care? (Which would e ironic but take what you can get)....

Best of luck, to you both.

[Lissou]

Lissou, I am sorry to hear what you and yours are going through. I hope that there is some means that your efforts will lead to a break through.

Thanks! And thanks for the advice too. I didn't mean to say that I actively don't want advice, just that I mainly wanted to vent. But you're right and I'll look into it.

***BIG HUGS***
*tea*
*cookies*
*tickets to unicorn petting zoo (with two complimentary clover tiramisu)*

Woot, unicorn pets and tiramisu! Tea and cookies are nice, but unicorns and tiramisus are the big guns!

Thanks for your advice as well. As for your double spoiler, yes, I've been thinking about it. We both need emotional support outside of our relationship, and being in a foreign country with a foreign language the isolation is making that worse for him. I will talk with him and we can look into options to help with that.

To everyone: I have news that he's much better, and I am less stressed out as well, but I'll look into long term management so it's not one crisis after the other. For now, I'll relax a bit. Then I'll deal with serious, anxiety-inducing things that will make things better overall.

[sktarq]

To everyone: I have news that he's much better, and I am less stressed out as well, but I'll look into long term management so it's not one crisis after the other. For now, I'll relax a bit. Then I'll deal with serious, anxiety-inducing things that will make things better overall.

Very very glad to hear it.
Hope a day off or three is stable and fruitful (and perhaps even filled with ice-cream and sprinkles).
If you need to scream/vent/etc you have ears (eyes on monitors? cortex activity? thoughts...getting metaphysical) available here.

[Grytorm]

Hello again. Still depressed but not as focused on the same dangerous thoughts. Tonight what I am focused on is how I am 26 and have at best been on two dates and more realistically maybe one. And so I am stuck thinking about frustration and loneliness. I can predict typical advice to focus on building friendships and trying to find more social opportunities. Which is more difficult these days. So next someone would probably bring up online dating as something to experiment with. Its all good advice.

Right now what I am more wondering about is how to safely navigate my own mental state. Just that the few times I have tried asking women out I handle the inevitable rejection vie extreme self loathing. Once that is past I tend towards temporary toxic resentment. Thankfully that state is eventually forgotten. More what the problem is that when depressed I end up defaulting to self loathing and I dislike my thoughts on the matter. I regard myself as hideous, my presence as odious, and I make certain to remind myself hoping to find happiness with someone else is a vile thing. And that is stressful.

A few other thoughts. I hate being 26 it makes me feel creepy and I feel no real hope for the future. Part of the feeling creepy thing probably comes about because I live at home and haven't taken on many real responsibilities. So the idea of dating someone older with actual responsibilities would make me feel juvenile. And developing a crush on someone younger can range from acceptable to uncomfortable. Also their is the annoyance of developing crushes quickly which taints normal social interaction and oftentimes leads to self loathing for my behavior. Self loathing comes about when I work up the nerve to ask someone out and am rejected or I learn that they are already in a relationship and I regard myself as disgusting for having a crush.

Their is some more stuff I was thinking of saying but it was a different topic and more depressing and I am tired. So I didn't say it.

[dehro]

I'm 42..
I think that two real dates at 26 is pretty much accurate to my story as well.
I came out of my shell (and discovered online dating sites) about a year later, when my circumstances changed dramatically... But it could just as well have been another few years later
You'll be ok. Trust me

[Grytorm]

Wouldn't call it two real dates. One more or less real date and one me misinterpreting something as a date due to not socializing enough. That did work out well though. Now on to depression stuff.

Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Suicide

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What I want to talk about. Suicidal Ideation. In general I have found that I experience this in a few different ways. There is the awareness of opportunity. If I am home alone or I run into certain things the potential for death occurs to me. This is annoying. Then their is the also troubling psuedo planning. Nothing concrete just brief reflections on how I would like to die. This I think is more worrying in principle but it never really goes anywhere. A couple of seconds of thought before I put it out of my mind. Lastly there are disturbing thoughts related to self harm. I don't self harm other than inflicting modest pain on myself. Biting my hand. Hitting my leg. But I do not make any lasting injury. But I sometimes have intrusive ideas of doing fairly terrible things to myself as either an atonement for being awful or as some twisted way of fixing myself. Thankfully I don't think anything will come from these last thoughts. But they are still scary.

What else. I know I had something else to say but I can't think of it. Ah I remember now. I was briefly recalling the worst stuff I have done to other people. It isn't too terrible in the grand scheme of things. But when I got called out on my poor behavior I felt like a shell for a week. And more broadly I have been thinking about my feelings of isolation. Friends who were never really there. Bridges burnt due to self loathing. My brain wandered onto the topic of social cues but that can be talked of later.

Whatever.

[sktarq]

Spoiler: Trigger Warning: Suicide

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What I want to talk about. Suicidal Ideation. In general I have found that I experience this in a few different ways. There is the awareness of opportunity. If I am home alone or I run into certain things the potential for death occurs to me. This is annoying. Then their is the also troubling psuedo planning. Nothing concrete just brief reflections on how I would like to die. This I think is more worrying in principle but it never really goes anywhere. A couple of seconds of thought before I put it out of my mind. Lastly there are disturbing thoughts related to self harm. I don't self harm other than inflicting modest pain on myself. Biting my hand. Hitting my leg. But I do not make any lasting injury. But I sometimes have intrusive ideas of doing fairly terrible things to myself as either an atonement for being awful or as some twisted way of fixing myself. Thankfully I don't think anything will come from these last thoughts. But they are still scary.

Yeah get that

Spoiler: Similar

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With the exception of the self harm part. I never bother to actually doing so. But also often don't bother avoiding pain that other people are trying to inflict on me, especially if it some intimidation baloney. I just absorb the pain, ignore it and move on.

but the rest? I get it...does it come and go in terms of frequency/intensity?
also just the mind shot of "I kinda hope some giant truck runs me down crossing the street today" that has to get put in the mental oubliette and processed during a day off.

[dehro]

Yeah get that

Spoiler: Similar

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With the exception of the self harm part. I never bother to actually doing so. But also often don't bother avoiding pain that other people are trying to inflict on me, especially if it some intimidation baloney. I just absorb the pain, ignore it and move on.

but the rest? I get it...does it come and go in terms of frequency/intensity?
also just the mind shot of "I kinda hope some giant truck runs me down crossing the street today" that has to get put in the mental oubliette and processed during a day off.

Spoiler: same, the attractive nature of a simple solution

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I don't do the self harm thing, but the occasional thought, as you drive down the highway that swerving into another lane would be the quickest way to solve a couple of issues, does come to mind, unbidden,... Sometimes it off the blue, sometimes during stressful times.. But my car has airbags, so...
Very rarely, I've given those thoughts serious consideration.. Usually I just let them wash over me and put up some suitably sad song on the radio.

[Razade]

Spoiler: same, the attractive nature of a simple solution

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I don't do the self harm thing, but the occasional thought, as you drive down the highway that swerving into another lane would be the quickest way to solve a couple of issues, does come to mind, unbidden,... Sometimes it off the blue, sometimes during stressful times.. But my car has airbags, so...
Very rarely, I've given those thoughts serious consideration.. Usually I just let them wash over me and put up some suitably sad song on the radio.

Spoiler

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Intrusive thoughts are a thing and we all get them to a greater or lesser extent. Not saying it's not an indication of something else going on but especially if you've not exhibited any other suicidal or self harm tendencies it could be from something else or just the normal random intrusive thought.

[dehro]

Spoiler

Show

Intrusive thoughts are a thing and we all get them to a greater or lesser extent. Not saying it's not an indication of something else going on but especially if you've not exhibited any other suicidal or self harm tendencies it could be from something else or just the normal random intrusive thought.

I have been cycling through a pattern of self-destructive choices and behaviours that routinely mess up things i try to build in my life.. For years now.. If not decades. Whether it's laziness, lack of an ability to commit even to things that would improve my life or at least keep it stable, an active tendency to recognize something good and subconsciously engage in behaviours that break that something down, I don't know, nor do I know if it's a sign of a deeper issue that might come with a label or a recognised therapy... One way I work against myself is by stopping myself from seeking the help that might actually break the cycle... And i guess that's both part and a symptom of the problem.
I believe that those intrusive thoughts, that on rare occasions have been something more than simple morbidity, come to me in this context.
I also realise that this probably sounds like a very lucid analysis of my situation and that it contains the very elements that might bring a solution. The issue is that i can't bring myself to enact or reach out to those elements.

I share this mostly to see if it resonates with others and makes sense, in the hope it might bring at least to them, if not to me, some elements to drive a change or offer a clear perspective on something they might be feeling.

I would welcome any thoughts about the above, which might help me in turn. After all, as lucid as I might be, or think I am, I'm still operating from within my own mind and my own probably flawed perceptions.

[darkdragoon]

I hit the big 40 this summer and I'm still trying to figure stuff out. And that's without the added uncertainty of the pandemic.

[HalfTangible]

Every decision I make feels like the wrong one.

Feel like I spent a decade in schooling for nothing.

I brush off and piss off my friends and family without meaning to, including people who are already hurting

I'm still angry at a former friend for **** that happened a year ago (although to be fair he kept being a bully well into June and only stopped because he's been cut out of my life, so...)

I feel stuck and worthless, just waiting to die and I want death...

Every time I think I'm okay I'm about to fall apart all over again.

[Bartmanhomer]

Society has stressed me out because of Covid-19 and all the other craziness that happening in the world. Sometimes I wonder why am I here in this world?

[Wizard_Lizard]

Kind of ranty, I need to write it somewhere I think. Sort of to get things sorted out.

Great. I've had my first irl big drama come up and damn it feels like ****.
I.. don't know. I probably won't be posting for a while I don't think. I've just had my two closest friends.. stop being friends with me because of complicated reasons, but mostly one of them has a boyfriend who lied and said that I said stuff to them. Like some really horrible stuff, and then faked screenshots to "prove" that I said said stuff.

And I don't know any more. Because it feels like I really, really have no one at this point. Like.. Last year I had a group of friends who were alright. they started hanging out with some homophobic and transphobic people, which made me, who is bi and enby, kind of rather uncomfortable. I became friends with a different friend group and uh.. they were cool! and it was nice! and um. There were three of them. One of whom liked me, so we dated, and that fell apart because coronavirus, and um They said we'd still be friends, insisted on that, in fact. And that didn't work out. I guess my presence made them uncomfortable and I was awkward and whatever. Note, these were the only three people I've really *came out* to as nonbinary. So they left and um, haven't really spoken to me. That was months ago, I'm kind of over that.
So. that's part one.
During this time of getting over it, I rather recently maybe sorta developed feelings for friend #3, but like, considering how badly that went I kept 'em wayy locked up. This will be relevant later.
Part 2 happened more recently. So. Friend #2, who has been really nice to me and whatever has a boyfriend. i have met said boyfriend and we got along well. I invited him to my house for scones one time. I get a screenshot of a message from said boyfriend saying that he wanted to, and I quote "Kill me and throw my body in a lake". So that was.. not fun. I did a bit of research, asked around, and he'd been sending fake screenshots of me saying horrible stuff to him, like, really horrible stuff. He'd also been lying to his girlfriend about said stuff. (Mostly because he thinks I like his girlfriend and is paranoid I think? Although that makes very little sense as he knows who I like.. and spoiler alert.. it's a dude)
And so I'm in a horrible mess because I'm stressed and can't sleep very well and that isn't helping. So I talk to Friend #2 about it, and um, they don't believe me. Which sucks, but is fair, as it's my word versus their boyfriend's word. I bring up a screenshot of the final thing I told them "Happy Birthday". No help at all. They say that isn't what they want. And damn I'm now in a horrible situation. Also during this whole time, me and Friend #3 have been hanging out a bunch and things seem cool. Which brings me on to today. Today sucked. Completely. I. Don't. Have. Enough. Words. To. Describe. That.
Friend #2 messages me, saying that they don't think we should be friends because this whole stupid situation is stressing them out. I say that this is fair, and maybe we can be friends when it passes but I won't put too much hope in that, considering how well that worked last time. And Argh. My stupid, sleep deprived brain gets me to message their boyfriend. Who I haven't spoken to since their birthday, when I said; "Happy Birthday". This goes as well as one would expect. He says that I had told stuff to his girlfriend about him. I did no such thing. I call him out on his bull****, and then he goes on on and says that it's my fault that he's stressed, and that she never actually wanted to be my friend and that I tried to "steal his girl" to which I reply "You know who I like, and it's a dude!"
Of course he says I'm lying and that I'm "Such a bad liar" He says that Friend #2 comes to him crying all the time about stuff I say, which I find hard to believe because I really, really haven't said anything. AND THEN he says "no one wants to talk to you or be your friend." And at this point I'm crying, I've been crying for a while, super stressed, brain hurting, etc. And this HURTS. I mention the fake screenshots and the lying, he makes no move to deny it. I bring this to Friend#2 because really I don't know where else to go at this point, and here is the closest friend I've had for a while. And I get told not to bring my petty squabbles to her, she's tired and stressed and I'm not helping. And that I'm manipulating her. I'm thinking This is not my Fault I don't know what to do!. So I bring it to Friend#3. Try to explain everything and. Immediately off the bat get told that friend#3 does not want to be friends any more, because they feel emotionally drained and used. (I had been talking to them about this because up till that point it didn't feel appropriate to be talking to Friend#2 about their boyfriend). And at this point I'm hurting. A lot. I've lost two friends in one day. Friend#3 does say that they might be friendly in a couple of months, last time something like that was said.. was with friend#1 and that.. did not work out.

And throughout this, I've been working my way through the whole gender thing. These were the three people I felt most supported by and safe. And now I don't have anywhere to really go.. I was going to hang out with Friend#3 on Thursday, nope, that ain't happening any more. Anyway I've got Therapy in two weeks so this is something to talk about I guess.
Sorry for the rant. I just feel like I need to put this somewhere.
I just.. don't know what to do.
EDIT: And this is on top of the whole COVID thing, and it's getting to the end of my school year and I've got a bunch of tests and exams are getting closer and everything feels so overwhelming and I can't concentrate very well. I just thought I had things sorted for a couple of weeks. I had a dnd group. I was having fun. I was getting therapy. I was feeling.. I dunno.. better. And now this.

[sktarq]

Every decision I make feels like the wrong one.........
Every time I think I'm okay I'm about to fall apart all over again.

Do you have someone to talk to about it? like a close friend or a therapist etc?
PM's open if you need it.


As for the Arcane Archosaur (okay not exactly but I like the alliteration)...Deep Breaths. Journal, You mention having a therapist...make an extra appointment....maybe FOCUS on all those academic pressures to fill your time and thoughts for now...so you can hit one job at a time. Make big jobs into little jobs. Do a little job and call that a success because even small steps forward help and you'll lapping those people still on the couch....also...sorry sounds like a you'll be glad when the calander can be flipped and those societal mental reset occurs.

[Wizard_Lizard]

Do you have someone to talk to about it? like a close friend or a therapist etc?
PM's open if you need it.


As for the Arcane Archosaur (okay not exactly but I like the alliteration)...Deep Breaths. Journal, You mention having a therapist...make an extra appointment....maybe FOCUS on all those academic pressures to fill your time and thoughts for now...so you can hit one job at a time. Make big jobs into little jobs. Do a little job and call that a success because even small steps forward help and you'll lapping those people still on the couch....also...sorry sounds like a you'll be glad when the calander can be flipped and those societal mental reset occurs.

Roger that. Feeling a bit better now. Breathing is good, don't have a journal, but that's an idea. Am focusing on academics. Thank you! I'm currently coping by listening to music and reading, and that's helping. Yea, really can't wait for the year to be over but, hey, things should get better eventually?

[HalfTangible]

Do you have someone to talk to about it? like a close friend or a therapist etc?
PM's open if you need it.

Yeah I've got a close friend, and a few other people who've offered DMs at various points, but I don't like dumping this kinda stuff on them.

I appreciate that.

[dehro]

Yeah I've got a close friend, and a few other people who've offered DMs at various points, but I don't like dumping this kinda stuff on them.

I appreciate that.

Don't make that mistake. You need help. They see this and want to help. Take it.
Either dumping this stuff on them will help you and help them help you, or they will decide that they can't deal with it and take a step back. If you don't take the help when offered to you, on one hand you're stuck without the help, on the other hand, you risk alienating those who offer to help if you insist on putting up a barrier between you and them.

[Kesnit]

I work in a field known for burnout and a need for self-care. I've kept myself going, but there have been many times when I wished something would happen that would give me enough time away from work to focus on myself. (I had a week long vacation earlier this year, but just after I came back, something went downhill at work and I took the brunt of the blame, even though it wasn't entirely my fault.)

About 3 weeks ago, one of my co-workers announced he had an alcohol problem and was checking himself into rehab. I have no doubt that his drinking was (in his words) out of control and wish him the best. But I have realized that there is a part of me that is jealous. Jealous because he is getting the opportunity I wished for - a chance to step back.

[Jon_Dahl]

I am an English teacher, and I wrote a message to the guardian of one of my pupils. I was so exhausted and stressed out that I forgot that the noun phrase 'the English language' has a definite article. Instead, I didn't use any article.

What will the guardian think of me now?

[Chen]

I am an English teacher, and I wrote a message to the guardian of one of my pupils. I was so exhausted and stressed out that I forgot that the noun phrase 'the English language' has a definite article. Instead, I didn't use any article.

What will the guardian think of me now?

I would think it would depend on the sentence. May come off as a bit “off”. If english isnt their first language they may not notice at all. In any case a minor error like that could easily happen to anyone and I very much anyone would judge you too harshly for it.

[Spore]

If people from my work environment are any indication it could easily be brushed away. We regularly get sent memos with typos, even missing words. And these people sit in an office, typing stuff for a living.

[2D8HP]

So on the morning of September 4th it looked like I had at least an 80% chance of having lung cancer, my response was to start reading "Lord Jim" by Joseph Conrad and listen to Pere Ubu songs far more than usual, and my wife was very angry.

Since then I've had a spinal tap and a lung biopsy (and more blood tests than I can count) and the news today is it now looks like I have a rare "cryptoccal fungal infection" in my lungs instead which typically comes from exposure to decaying wood and soil and is relatively common in the environment, most healthy folks don't get effected by it, usually only folks with weakened immune systems (H.I.V. patients) get infected, still a mystery as to how I got it. Thankfully my wife got sweet again and told me: "Never been so relieved you have a potentially deadly fungal infection" (instead of cancer).
To treat it will take at least six months of drugs that may damage my liver, so no more alcohol or Tylenol for me (I'll have to get a blood test every two months to see if my liver is going bad, plus "tell us if you notice yourself turning yellow").
I had two beers in 2020, and it looks like there won't be anymore for the rest of the year and longer, so basically an extended [give up something in March thing I do] for me.

Oh, and speaking of Spinal Tap here's "Stonehenge":

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zg5Ovdu6bOE

[Grytorm]

Ah hello again. A couple of lines of thought.

First just contemplating self destructive behavior. The idea of burning maybe six years worth of notebooks and sixteen years worth of collecting RPG rulebooks is floating through my head. Not the best idea I have ever had. But not the worst impulse.

The second line of thought is how the idea of people wanting to spend time with me is weird. Just multiple people recently have said or done things that indicates they want me around and I find it something. One person apparently usually skips a thursday night game group thing if she hears from her husband that I'm not going to be there. And the other person is a woman I have/had a crush on at the animal shelter I volunteer at. She is or was one of the volunteer coordinators and I talked to her a lot after shifts, we both enjoy RPGs. And last time I saw her she said something about not doing the same job anymore but that she will be volunteering at the shelter on certain days and that I might enjoy talking to a new staff member. It just weirds me out.

Another thing sort of connected to the second thing. Just how I don't really know how to navigate crushes/attraction especially after rejection. Its complicated because I don't want to be a creepy jerk, and I tend to overreact to criticism and easily default to self loathing. Between those two issues I often find myself feeling awful about myself and I don't know how to find a healthy mental state. And add in other factors such as a desire to maintain genial relationships, which is the main one that can be adequately explained is a short phrase. And I am tired. And feel like the next complicating factor is less positive. So I will leave this here.