Personal Woes and Advice 6

[dehro]

First time posting in someplace like this, but I need to get some stuff of my chest, this has been a great forum in the time I've spent here, and covid sucks for having a good heart-to-heart with friends.

My girlfriend broke up with me about two months past - partially corona-induced stress and lack of actually seeing each other, which combined with stress from fallout with a very close friend of hers and stress over my problems, mainly depression and general troubles of being with someone who's autistic - but we managed to do so relatively amicably. It's clear that she still cares for me (and vice versa), but that she just had too much on her plate, and with my own lack of moving forward in any way since corona she just felt trapped. I can't blame her: I'd rather she cut me loose than let herself be dragged down with/by me, and had told her so before.

But now.... on one hand, I still want to support her when necessary, and she told me she still wants to be there for me, and it's clear she tries to do so in the few cases she can. On the other, we both realize that that isn't any way to move on, so we try not to contact each other unless its really important. But it's.... hard. We have a pretty close common group of friends, which doesn't help in keeping some distance, and I don't want to lean too much on them for my support 'cause I don't want to drag her into it again that way. But they're also one of two groups of friends I have where I can actually air out my troubles for a moment, and it's a tough balance to keep. Add to that that I can't help worrying over how she's doing, and how I every-so-often hear from said common friends when she's having trouble, and I just get torn between wanting to help and knowing that it's better not to, since it'll just reopen the fresh wounds from the breakup.

It's just driving me slightly crazy. It'd be easier if one of could be an *******, but that wouldn't be right either. Distancing myself from her would probably be for the best, for both of us to heal, but I'm having a real hard time doing so.

I've gone through your experience a little less than a year ago.. covid, long distance, my own issues, the need for her to be free to be her best self and continue to grow, me agreeing that there was no way for me to help her in that and that I was holding her back and didn't want to do that..
we parted amicably, and stayed in touch for a while.. but then it became too hard, somewhat painful and resentment crept in.. mind you..we still haven't met since then because of covid and really long distance.. so there hasn't been any real closure.. but yeah.. I feel your situation even though I don't have the complication of being on the spectrum...
you are not alone and eventually it does get better.
if you have many friends in common, it is only fair that you do rely on at least some of them for moral and emotional support.. if they are true friends they will stay that.. if they feel like they have to pick a side, they will do that, but not all of them will... and not all of them will side with her.
give them a chance to be there for you.

[Taevyr]

I've gone through your experience a little less than a year ago.. covid, long distance, my own issues, the need for her to be free to be her best self and continue to grow, me agreeing that there was no way for me to help her in that and that I was holding her back and didn't want to do that..
we parted amicably, and stayed in touch for a while.. but then it became too hard, somewhat painful and resentment crept in.. mind you..we still haven't met since then because of covid and really long distance.. so there hasn't been any real closure.. but yeah.. I feel your situation even though I don't have the complication of being on the spectrum...
you are not alone and eventually it does get better.
if you have many friends in common, it is only fair that you do rely on at least some of them for moral and emotional support.. if they are true friends they will stay that.. if they feel like they have to pick a side, they will do that, but not all of them will... and not all of them will side with her.
give them a chance to be there for you.

Luckily, we both agreed that the last thing we want is to sunder our common friend group, but she does seem to take it slightly personally when I reach out for support, at least where she can see, with having a common chat group and such. She mentioned it in our last conversation several days ago: I made it clear I wasn't trying to guilt her or anything, but I'm not going to ignore the help my friends can bring, or the fact that they themselves want to be there for me, or likely both of us. She seemed to understand, but I'm still hesitant as I don't want to add to her stress.

And I am quite happy I didn't lose either of my usual friend groups over the course of the relationship, not that they were ever really at risk: I've got a decent base of support I can make use of, when needed, but covid complicates it, and gradually going from living together at least 2-3 days each week to hardly ever seeing anyone on an average day has been challenging, to say the least. I've certainly gained a deeper understanding of why many single people keep a pet at home: the lack of physical contact is quite draining.

Motivationally, it's been a bit of a double-edged sword: on one hand, her breaking up with me has been quite a wake-up call that I really need to pick up my slack; On the other, she was a big drive for me to better myself for a long while, until covid eventually reached into the ol' depression succesfully, and part of me can't help but wonder "what's it for" anymore, even if I still have a decent life; Getting off of the rollercoaster between those two would be a nice change.

[Yora]

I got a question:

I have ADD and I'm amazingly efficient at avoiding responsibilities by letting them lie one one more. I'm entitled to unemployment benefits since September, finally managed to fill out the forms in February, and realized two weeks ago that the deadline for each months is not the end of the month but the 15th. And today I finally managed to get myself to send the last forms that were still missing for my application with only two more days until the April deadline. That kind of efficient.

I finally made myself find out what happens next after filling out the form to discover I had set my online account at the unemployment office to only send all notifications by mail, which forced me to finally check my mailbox which I had been avoiding for the last half year. It was of course bursting, but thankfully most was only junk, though I also had a debt enforcement notice from the customs service (which deals with such things here) for outstanding fees for late insurance payments, which was already four weeks old. Fortunately it was only 50€, which I was able to pay immediately, but this could have easily been something so much worse.

The Specific Question: Now while I was getting myself ready to face the inevitable disaster that I had been avoiding for six months (during which I was constantly aware it was only getting worse each day I kept delaying), I was feeling really queasy. Wobbly legs, changed breathing and narrowed vision, hot face. But I didn't feel scared, and actually was surprised at myself for not coming up with rationalizing why I could delay it for another couple of hours. (And I managed to work myself through the whole pile.) But still, that reaction is very much not normal, and it had me very much think of a panic attack. (Which to my knowledge, I never had before.)
Do panic attacks always have to feel frightening? Or would that have been something else?

[dehro]

not sure this is a workable idea, but you could propose a mutual mental health check...
where you open up about where your mind is at, what your thoughts and worries are and try to assess if you're feeling well/healthy/sane/positive..
and ask for a feedback from her..to see if she agrees with your assessment..

once you've done that, she would do the same, and you could give her feedback... if then issues occur to her, you can elaborate on those, and if they don't, you can point out the few signals you're noticing.

doing that routinely could lay the foundation of a more in depth conversation about whether your current state or hers, would warrant talking to a third party, as a double check/way to solve specific issues.

it would of course need to be wrapped up in a non threatening/insulting manner.. but if you're offering to open up first, this might soften the approach.

[3SecondCultist]

This isn’t my first time posting here, but I feel like sharing an update about my life and how I feel about things. No need to comment if you don’t want to, this is more about me getting things out in a place free from judgment.

Spoiler: Warning: May contain traces of self-pity

Show

Nearly two years ago (August 2019), I moved from Canada to the UK. I had taken a job as a teacher in an academically renowned school right out of my graduate programme, and I thought that I would get a chance to travel and meet new people. It sounds incredibly cliche, but I wanted to put some miles on my soul. When I left, my family was undergoing a strange metamorphosis. My parents - who split up years ago and both had new partners - were on the path to reconciliation and were friends again. My half brother on my dad’s side had turned 1 a few months before. My dog - who I essentially raised from a puppy in my teens - had turned 10 and was entering her twilight years. One of my best friends in the world was engaged to be married; I had saved the date for summer of 2020.

When I started my job in September 2019, I realized right away just how demanding it was going to be. They tell you that teaching is one of those professions that’s exceptionally hard in the first 2 years, because you have to get used to the workload and you haven’t build up your own compendium of resources that you feel comfortable teaching yet. Making your own lesson plans and working on a curriculum can be really daunting at first, and the school I had chosen to work at had very high expectations for teachers. If you aren’t in by 7:00 and out later than 6:00 in your first year, then you’re going to fall behind. Obviously there are more demanding jobs out there (I’m not going to pretend that teaching doesn’t have benefits) but the workplace culture took me by surprise.

Slight digression: I suspect a big part of the shock was the combination of new workplace with just new culture in general. Being Canadian in the UK meant that I generally had to suppress my emotions and work like a drone just like everyone else around me. That’s just how professionals do it in this country - keep calm and carry on.

But that was okay, because I met someone, another Canadian. This person was kind, brutally intelligent (smarter than me for sure), amazingly beautiful, and she always made me smile. Like me, she had come over from Canada to work as a teacher in the UK. We did a little dance around each other at work for maybe a month before getting together on a wild night out and decided after a whirlwind trip to Hungary for a week that we would give it a real shot. And this was endgame stuff: we clicked on everything, had amazing chemistry on every level, and for a while I was unbelievably happy with her. Things were looking great.

Fast forward to March 2020... do I even need to say it? Covid 19 played merry hell on my life. At the risk of getting into politics, the UK did not handle the pandemic particularly well. Quarantine nearly cost us our relationship as my partner and I were separated and started fighting all of the time on the phone. I had booked a flight home for Easter to see everyone, which got cancelled. I was depressed, gained weight, and ended up contracting Covid myself.

However things did not stop there; I had deep vein thrombosis in my leg, and the blood clots soon moved up into both of my lungs. I would wake up unable to walk, barely able to breathe without pain. This eventually landed me in the hospital for about a week (May 2020). My partner was super supportive, but something in me turned bitter. The doctors told me that I had unprovoked pulmonary embolisms in both lungs, and the long term prognosis wasn’t great. I should expect lower quality of life, and as I grew older the risk of recurring blood clots in the lungs would increase. I also had a shortened life expectancy now.

This episode was the beginning of the end of my relationship. Summer was alright - we were able to travel to Scotland, which was absolutely beautiful - but otherwise I was pretty miserable and sick of pretending not to be for her sake. She was tired of holding me up, and I resented her for being healthy. Meanwhile at home, things were happening quickly. My dog died a few months ago and I barely got to say goodbye (I would have if I’d been home last Easter). My friend got married in a small ceremony, his big splashy wedding postponed. I was supposed to watch it online, but my internet was acting up so I missed it. My brother had turned 3 - I’m terrified that he has forgotten how to say my name.

So my partner and I broke up. More accurately, I pushed her away. The way I did it was cruel, without warning or provocation. I won’t share details because it’s not all worth getting into and I don’t think I could look myself in the mirror if I wrote it all down. But make no mistake, this was a person with whom I had discussed building a future when we got home, and I dashed it all to pieces in less than a week.

Fast forward to now. I live alone with people I despise (the less said about my roommates the better). I speak to nobody at work; at the end of the day, I go home alone and angry and guilty because I know it’s my fault that I haven’t spoken to my family but I can’t face any of them now. My mood oscillates between seething rage that I have wasted two years of my life and pretty bleak depression as I wonder what the point of all of this was. On the weekends, I don’t speak to anyone. My closest friends are hundreds of kilometres and four time zones away. I will return to a world that I do not recognize and has in many ways moved on without me, and I will have no stories of my own that I care to share.

And yes, I know that there are plenty of people who have it worse than me. I know that I must sound like a whiny child, complaining about my little problems. The pandemic has impacted everyone in some way. If anything, that makes it worse; who the f*ck am I to complain about my life? How presumptuous am I, for doing that? To assume that my problems matter, or that I should not blame myself for the majority of them?

In all honesty, I would have done something more drastic a long time ago if I didn’t think that a permanent ending would be too quick for someone like me.

Again, there is no obligation to comment. Just because something needs to be said does not mean it needs to be heard.

[2D8HP]

Spoke to a divorce lawyer on Monday, mentioned that to my brother and by Wednesday a lovely lady invited me to be her roommate, and another lady is very clearly auditioning to be my girlfriend. It seems that while I thought I was average looking 22 year-old I'm a great looking 52 year-old.

I'm still dithering, if I leave my wife it would be in July or August so I may truthfully say "We were together for 29 years", which I want to be able to do for silly pride reasons.

I was surprised how much the invitation to live in San Francisco improved my mood, motorcycling inside the city to go to work instead of driving across the bridge has a lot of appeal.

More than I little guilt about leaving the kids, if I was a better man than I could forgive my wife and accept the status quo, sadly I'm not and the waves of crying and flashes of anger I have had show that.

[Tarmor]

2D8: Best wishes with what is and will continue to be a difficult situation for some time at least. Marriage isn't always what its meant to be, and good on you for both trying to improve yours, and now considering other options.

I'm a similar age, I married later than you and my marriage after some initial struggles is fine. With what I've seen around with friends and relatives, I consider myself lucky. My brother is in a marriage in which he is regularly verbally abused (and doesn't seem to be loved), but won't leave (at least not at this time, because of his young children), and my sister is in the process of separating from her husband after perhaps spending half of it feeling she married the wrong person.
It's hard to think about leaving, and to do it. I'm glad to hear you are finding some happiness amid all this. If you do go ahead with the move, I hope you have some way to keep contact with your 'kids'.

[Tvtyrant]

Spoke to a divorce lawyer on Monday, mentioned that to my brother and by Wednesday a lovely lady invited me to be her roommate, and another lady is very clearly auditioning to be my girlfriend. It seems that while I thought I was average looking 22 year-old I'm a great looking 52 year-old.

I'm still dithering, if I leave my wife it would be in July or August so I may truthfully say "We were together for 29 years", which I want to be able to do for silly pride reasons.

I was surprised how much the invitation to live in San Francisco improved my mood, motorcycling inside the city to go to work instead of driving across the bridge has a lot of appeal.

More than I little guilt about leaving the kids, if I was a better man than I could forgive my wife and accept the status quo, sadly I'm not and the waves of crying and flashes of anger I have had show that.

You've had a hard year mate, I'm sorry it has gone down that way. It's important to remember that a bad relationship will sour the kid's lives too, and take most of your happiness out.

[2D8HP]

2D8: Best wishes[...]

You've had a hard year mate, I'm sorry it has gone down that way[...]

Thank you Tarmor and Tvtyrant, much appreciated.

[Velaryon]

My girlfriend and I just broke up (like, less than 2 hours ago) and I am hurting. I thought this was going to be the one that worked - that I had finally got my situation figured out and found the right woman to share it with. I didn't think we were going to imminently get engaged or anything, but I at least thought there was a good chance that that was in our futures. And once again I'm wrong, and left wondering why I can never seem to find anyone who loves me and thinks I'm worth the effort of trying. Just like every time before, I am left feeling like nobody loves me or can love me in a romantic sense, and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that everybody but me can see, and that the only people who will even give me a chance are people who just haven't figured out yet that I'm unlovable and worthless.

I could go into a lot more about specifics but I don't feel up to it right now. I'm just hurting and I want to scream.

[Rydiro]

And once again I'm wrong, and left wondering why I can never seem to find anyone who loves me and thinks I'm worth the effort of trying. Just like every time before, I am left feeling like nobody loves me or can love me in a romantic sense, and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that everybody but me can see, and that the only people who will even give me a chance are people who just haven't figured out ...

What were the stated reasons for the breakup? Certainly not "You are fundamentally wrong"

[phoenixdoll]

This isn’t my first time posting here, but I feel like sharing an update about my life and how I feel about things. No need to comment if you don’t want to, this is more about me getting things out in a place free from judgment.

Spoiler: Warning: May contain traces of self-pity

Show

Nearly two years ago (August 2019), I moved from Canada to the UK. I had taken a job as a teacher in an academically renowned school right out of my graduate programme, and I thought that I would get a chance to travel and meet new people. It sounds incredibly cliche, but I wanted to put some miles on my soul. When I left, my family was undergoing a strange metamorphosis. My parents - who split up years ago and both had new partners - were on the path to reconciliation and were friends again. My half brother on my dad’s side had turned 1 a few months before. My dog - who I essentially raised from a puppy in my teens - had turned 10 and was entering her twilight years. One of my best friends in the world was engaged to be married; I had saved the date for summer of 2020.

When I started my job in September 2019, I realized right away just how demanding it was going to be. They tell you that teaching is one of those professions that’s exceptionally hard in the first 2 years, because you have to get used to the workload and you haven’t build up your own compendium of resources that you feel comfortable teaching yet. Making your own lesson plans and working on a curriculum can be really daunting at first, and the school I had chosen to work at had very high expectations for teachers. If you aren’t in by 7:00 and out later than 6:00 in your first year, then you’re going to fall behind. Obviously there are more demanding jobs out there (I’m not going to pretend that teaching doesn’t have benefits) but the workplace culture took me by surprise.

Slight digression: I suspect a big part of the shock was the combination of new workplace with just new culture in general. Being Canadian in the UK meant that I generally had to suppress my emotions and work like a drone just like everyone else around me. That’s just how professionals do it in this country - keep calm and carry on.

But that was okay, because I met someone, another Canadian. This person was kind, brutally intelligent (smarter than me for sure), amazingly beautiful, and she always made me smile. Like me, she had come over from Canada to work as a teacher in the UK. We did a little dance around each other at work for maybe a month before getting together on a wild night out and decided after a whirlwind trip to Hungary for a week that we would give it a real shot. And this was endgame stuff: we clicked on everything, had amazing chemistry on every level, and for a while I was unbelievably happy with her. Things were looking great.

Fast forward to March 2020... do I even need to say it? Covid 19 played merry hell on my life. At the risk of getting into politics, the UK did not handle the pandemic particularly well. Quarantine nearly cost us our relationship as my partner and I were separated and started fighting all of the time on the phone. I had booked a flight home for Easter to see everyone, which got cancelled. I was depressed, gained weight, and ended up contracting Covid myself.

However things did not stop there; I had deep vein thrombosis in my leg, and the blood clots soon moved up into both of my lungs. I would wake up unable to walk, barely able to breathe without pain. This eventually landed me in the hospital for about a week (May 2020). My partner was super supportive, but something in me turned bitter. The doctors told me that I had unprovoked pulmonary embolisms in both lungs, and the long term prognosis wasn’t great. I should expect lower quality of life, and as I grew older the risk of recurring blood clots in the lungs would increase. I also had a shortened life expectancy now.

This episode was the beginning of the end of my relationship. Summer was alright - we were able to travel to Scotland, which was absolutely beautiful - but otherwise I was pretty miserable and sick of pretending not to be for her sake. She was tired of holding me up, and I resented her for being healthy. Meanwhile at home, things were happening quickly. My dog died a few months ago and I barely got to say goodbye (I would have if I’d been home last Easter). My friend got married in a small ceremony, his big splashy wedding postponed. I was supposed to watch it online, but my internet was acting up so I missed it. My brother had turned 3 - I’m terrified that he has forgotten how to say my name.

So my partner and I broke up. More accurately, I pushed her away. The way I did it was cruel, without warning or provocation. I won’t share details because it’s not all worth getting into and I don’t think I could look myself in the mirror if I wrote it all down. But make no mistake, this was a person with whom I had discussed building a future when we got home, and I dashed it all to pieces in less than a week.

Fast forward to now. I live alone with people I despise (the less said about my roommates the better). I speak to nobody at work; at the end of the day, I go home alone and angry and guilty because I know it’s my fault that I haven’t spoken to my family but I can’t face any of them now. My mood oscillates between seething rage that I have wasted two years of my life and pretty bleak depression as I wonder what the point of all of this was. On the weekends, I don’t speak to anyone. My closest friends are hundreds of kilometres and four time zones away. I will return to a world that I do not recognize and has in many ways moved on without me, and I will have no stories of my own that I care to share.

And yes, I know that there are plenty of people who have it worse than me. I know that I must sound like a whiny child, complaining about my little problems. The pandemic has impacted everyone in some way. If anything, that makes it worse; who the f*ck am I to complain about my life? How presumptuous am I, for doing that? To assume that my problems matter, or that I should not blame myself for the majority of them?

In all honesty, I would have done something more drastic a long time ago if I didn’t think that a permanent ending would be too quick for someone like me.

Again, there is no obligation to comment. Just because something needs to be said does not mean it needs to be heard.

I had to reply, even though the conversation has moved along a little.

It kinda sounds like you're trying to downplay a lot of what you're going through.
Why? Everyone has their problems, sure, but that doesn't make YOUR problems suck less, and for what it's worth I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I guess as an outsider reading this, I get a real *severe depression* vibe from what you've said.
I also wonder if the "nuke it from orbit" thing that you did to your relationship is as final as you make it sound. I do feel that a professional would be best to help you work that out, though, as well as helping you process the trauma you've gone through in the past 2 years. Yeah, man. TRAUMA + some really self-destructive coping mechanisms. It doesn't sound like you've had a good run of things at all. And maybe you might regret some things that you did, or didn't do. But perhaps you just did the best you *could* at the time, in very stressful situations.

Guilt can be helpful sometimes to recognise when we need to improve, but it's not helpful if it always keeps you in a dark place just beating yourself up about things. I don't know how to say this without sounding incredibly patronising, but I struggle with unresolved guilt about things. And I tell myself that I do the best I *can* and sometimes that means I'll make mistakes. That means that we just have to try to do better or be better in the future.

I really hope that things start looking brighter for you soon. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you just keep going, 2 years won't really feel like much at all once you're looking back.

[Velaryon]

I made a reply going into more detail about my breakup, but I deleted it because she contacted me late last night and said she wanted to work things out. I obviously can't assume everything is going to be okay, but at least now there's a chance of working things out.

[Willie the Duck]

Spoke to a divorce lawyer on Monday, mentioned that to my brother and by Wednesday a lovely lady invited me to be her roommate, and another lady is very clearly auditioning to be my girlfriend. It seems that while I thought I was average looking 22 year-old I'm a great looking 52 year-old.

I'm still dithering, if I leave my wife it would be in July or August so I may truthfully say "We were together for 29 years", which I want to be able to do for silly pride reasons.

I was surprised how much the invitation to live in San Francisco improved my mood, motorcycling inside the city to go to work instead of driving across the bridge has a lot of appeal.

More than I little guilt about leaving the kids, if I was a better man than I could forgive my wife and accept the status quo, sadly I'm not and the waves of crying and flashes of anger I have had show that.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Previous posts indicate that this is just acknowledging what's been true for a while now, but the finality of it all can be very hard to handle. I've never gotten one, but only because I didn't marry the long-term girlfriends from before my wife. I've certainly had rough breakups, and they really stink. Only advice I really have is to hedge your bets about any relationship forged while in-process of the divorce. The person you will be in 12 months will be different from whom these women are auditioning. That said, if you can do it without the kids thinking you were stepping out on the marriage ahead of time, by all means give it a good ol' fashioned try.

Best of luck with it all. There's always someone willing to break bread with you in the midwest if you pass through.

It's hard to think about leaving, and to do it. I'm glad to hear you are finding some happiness amid all this. If you do go ahead with the move, I hope you have some way to keep contact with your 'kids'.

That is always the struggle. I stayed in two toxic relationships well past the expiration date because of the kids (none of them mine, so post-break-up I had no reasonable avenue to see them again).

I have my own issue in need of advice, which I hopefully will have time to write up sooner rather than later.

[dehro]

My girlfriend and I just broke up (like, less than 2 hours ago) and I am hurting. I thought this was going to be the one that worked - that I had finally got my situation figured out and found the right woman to share it with. I didn't think we were going to imminently get engaged or anything, but I at least thought there was a good chance that that was in our futures. And once again I'm wrong, and left wondering why I can never seem to find anyone who loves me and thinks I'm worth the effort of trying. Just like every time before, I am left feeling like nobody loves me or can love me in a romantic sense, and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that everybody but me can see, and that the only people who will even give me a chance are people who just haven't figured out yet that I'm unlovable and worthless.

I could go into a lot more about specifics but I don't feel up to it right now. I'm just hurting and I want to scream.

I made a reply going into more detail about my breakup, but I deleted it because she contacted me late last night and said she wanted to work things out. I obviously can't assume everything is going to be okay, but at least now there's a chance of working things out.

however things may turn out with your SO, remember these two posts of yours...

I can never seem to find anyone who loves me and thinks I'm worth the effort of trying.

If anything, whatever may happen, this girl has proven to you twice that this is not true... She tried once, and she's willing to try again.
Things don't always work out, but that's just life. Your worth or perceived lack of worth has nothing to do with it.

I wish you well.

[Velaryon]

however things may turn out with your SO, remember these two posts of yours...


If anything, whatever may happen, this girl has proven to you twice that this is not true... She tried once, and she's willing to try again.
Things don't always work out, but that's just life. Your worth or perceived lack of worth has nothing to do with it.

I wish you well.

Thank you. She has indeed done a great job of telling that voice in the back of my mind to sit down and shut up.

It is perhaps worth noting that this is the first time someone has ever tried to work things out with me rather than bailing on me the first time they were unsatisfied with something about the relationship (or staying quiet about it until things reached a boiling point for them). It means a lot to me that she's actually investing in me.

[2D8HP]

Sorry to hear about the divorce.

I'm not even sure if I'll bother to get a legal divorce, I may just leave, if she wants a divorce, or if I have an opportunity to re-marry I'll of course get one.

Previous posts indicate that this is just acknowledging what's been true for a while now, but the finality of it all can be very hard to handle. I've never gotten one, but only because I didn't marry the long-term girlfriends from before my wife. I've certainly had rough breakups, and they really stink. Only advice I really have is to hedge your bets about any relationship forged while in-process of the divorce. The person you will be in 12 months will be different from whom these women are auditioning. That said, if you can do it without the kids thinking you were stepping out on the marriage ahead of time, by all means give it a good ol' fashioned try.


Best of luck with it all. There's always someone willing to break bread with you in the midwest if you pass through.


That is always the struggle. I stayed in two toxic relationships well past the expiration date because of the kids (none of them mine, so post-break-up I had no reasonable avenue to see them again).

Thank you @Willie the Duck;

I have my own issue in need of advice, which I hopefully will have time to write up sooner rather than later.

Best wishes to you.

My life has changed, most days I pack more of my books, listen to old songs while driving to someplace foggy and/or near the ocean, have long walks where it's foggy and they"re trees, buy books and fabulous shoes, check up on the progtess of the repairs to the repairs of my old British motorcycle, pretend to go work and instead go to a room I rent near the ocean, unpack, cook, read, watch old movies and have long talks with the lady who invited me to live there, plan, look forward to, and go on dates with a kind lady who's also married.

Maybe not "healthy" but I was in deep "I don't want to live" despair before I started doing those things, after I realized (and my wife confessed) that if I remained devoted I would never be kissed for at least another 18 years.

Not what I expected my life to be, that I have three women each fulfilling part of the role one used to do alone seems odd, but that one is tired of me and doesn't want to do the talking together or going out together the other ladies do now. Intellectually I know that this is so common as to be almost inevitable, emotionally I'll never understand why love doesn't last for me, but it doesn't and I've been lucky to find substitutes.

My wife has told me that we're going up to Seattle to deal with her Mom's house, after that I plan to leave, and I can't decide if it's more or less cruel to leave before or after the little one starts Kindergarten in late August.

Seeing my wife while knowing that we will never love each other again like we once did breaks my heart, and I'm weary of heartache, but I don't want to see less of the kids, there is no win-win solution for this, short of my becoming so wealthy that I could bribe my wife into taking acting lessons and pretending to still love me, but I suspect she'd break character.

Also, at this point, as well as residual love for my wife, especially after they both have cried in front of me while telling me of their lives I have platonic love for my roommate, and romantic love for the married woman that I'm dating (she gave my my first kiss not from a child or a dog that I've received in over 17 years!), and I don't want to lose them. Interestingly to me both my roommate and my date, without my asking, in telling me of their lives, said "I'm not polygamous", in my roomate's case she's told of multiple times of dating someone new while still coupled with someone, and in my date's case she said that while she, a married woman, is on a date with me, a married man. I resisted the impulse to say "No were not polygamous, those people do what they do in the open, what we are are cheaters, that we're desperate, lonely, and sad doesn't change that".

[Rydiro]

Thank you. She has indeed done a great job of telling that voice in the back of my mind to sit down and shut up.

It is perhaps worth noting that this is the first time someone has ever tried to work things out with me rather than bailing on me the first time they were unsatisfied with something about the relationship (or staying quiet about it until things reached a boiling point for them). It means a lot to me that she's actually investing in me.

Do you two actually bring most of your emotional/other issues into the discussion?
Are your own issues part of it (you seem to have low self-esteem)?

[Velaryon]

Do you two actually bring most of your emotional/other issues into the discussion?
Are your own issues part of it (you seem to have low self-esteem)?

I'm not sure I understand the question here.

As for my self-esteem, confidence has always been a struggle for me. I've had to scratch and claw for every bit of self-confidence I've ever had. It seems to come easily to some people, but to me, telling me to "just be confident" is about as useful as telling me to "just grow wings," and just as possible. For me, confidence and self-esteem need to be based on something. In some areas I am fine. In the field of romance, I have always struggled. It really doesn't help that every previous relationship (all one-and-a-half of them) ended with my partner deciding that things couldn't be fixed without putting any effort whatsoever into trying. This near-breakup was heading that same way, until it wasn't.

[Lissou]

I can't speak for Rydiro but I read the question as "do you actually dive into the issues as the root of whatever problems you discuss?"

Self-esteem is hard. I know it's something you need to get from inside but I also struggle a lot with that, I still get my validation from outside most of the time. Working on it, but you should know you're not alone there :)

[tomandtish]

I'm not even sure if I'll bother to get a legal divorce, I may just leave, if she wants a divorce, or if I have an opportunity to re-marry I'll of course get one.

I would strongly suggest talking to a lawyer if you are planning on splitting up. There are a lot of things that can get complicated if you're still legally married, including who inherits, who can make medical decisions for you, etc.

[Bartmanhomer]

Hello. I feel devastated about a Youtuber who goes by the name Dizz that passed away last Friday. I know her a bit who's been going to other Youtuber live streams. She died with a blood clot in her lungs. She was 46 years old and I feel sad about it.

[Lysbeth]

Hello. I feel devastated about a Youtuber who goes by the name Dizz that passed away last Friday. I know her a bit who's been going to other Youtuber live streams. She died with a blood clot in her lungs. She was 46 years old and I feel sad about it.

Take the time to grieve - it's okay not to feel okay, and sudden loss or disappearance will always harsh one's vibe.
To help process it, be as honest about how you feel as you can, and let yourself feel bad when you need to let it out.

Good luck with that, and make time for yourself! Emotions take energy so don't let yourself compound that with exhaustion!

[Bartmanhomer]

Take the time to grieve - it's okay not to feel okay, and sudden loss or disappearance will always harsh one's vibe.
To help process it, be as honest about how you feel as you can, and let yourself feel bad when you need to let it out.

Good luck with that, and make time for yourself! Emotions take energy so don't let yourself compound that with exhaustion!

Thank you. I appreciate your kind advice.

[Talar]

So story is spoilered just for ease, and for the fact that I need to vent more than anything I think.

Spoiler

Show

So a few months ago started talking to a girl, soon after began dating. And it was wonderful, same interests, same goals and wants in life. A few similar life experiences that have left both of us sort of running in place a bit. As such things progressed sort of fast, but I have always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and like I said things were going wonderfully, clicking on all cylinders. Obviously, since I am posting in this thread you know the end of this story, she broke up with me this past weekend.

An important point here is that she has a four year old son from an ex who cheated on her. And her situation is weird (really no better way to put it) as she currently rents a room from her ex's parents (in her words she does most co-parenting with the grandparents and not the father) in a house he also still lives. Yes weird, I know, life does that sometimes. And as far as I know (and have been told) her ex only pays for monthly daycare and that is about the extent of child support he gives, which accounts roughly for about a third of what is average for the state for child support. I generally feel like she is taken advantage of fairly regularly by him like this (he complains when he has to babysit or for him it would be called parenting).

To rundown events that led to the break up, she felt that her son needed a new bed, he was still in a toddler bed about to turn 5, and so she was going to buy a new one in the hopes that it would be his bed till his late teenage years. I offered to help pay for it, since the kid needs a bed, and she really could not afford it on her own. A couple days later, apparently her ex had an offer accepted on a house and then he started waffling, and then the idea was she would rent out the basement to help out. Again weird, no weirder than her current situation though, and it would give her more semblance of her own place, and the feeling like she could actually have guests over. Seemed like a net gain for her...besides renting from her ex.

A couple things sort of happen all on top of each other. So my current job is not turning out how it was supposed too. The main draw of the job was free tuition to get a master's degree, now I am fighting with HR to actually get the benefit. My current job is working for a police department attached to a University, and the higher ups came up with a couple solutions...that to put simply are some of the dumbest things I have ever heard. We are perennially short staffed as in have about 3 people to cover 24/7, but instead of hiring more people their idea was to put officer's personal information on signs and announce essentially that they were completely alone. In light of that I have decided I need a new job, which she was supportive of but had a weird caveat/insistence that I commit to my next one for at least 2 years, which is fine I don't necessarily like switching jobs but I am not going to just stay put in a dead end job or in one that actively makes me miserable. So I explained that and she still sort of insisted I commit anyway without knowing what my next job would possibly be (looking like union plumber as I have a family connection as an in with the union). This led to be indirectly swearing at her out of annoyance/being tired as she would not drop the issue and it getting late into the night (the exact context roughly I said "My problem was her beeping insistence"). So this was a trigger for her that I was unaware of (never discussed possible triggers, hindsight is 20/20, other hand I do just sort of swear a lot in my natural speaking tendencies bad habit of mine). I did apologize immediately in the next breath, and we were able to more or less get past that rather quickly (she slept on it and in the morning we were able to talk it out, I was unable to fall asleep really). Alongside this she was talking about the basement, apparently it is not really ready to live in, and in fact does not have an egress window to be within code if someone is going to be living in said basement. When talking about the basement she was saying we a lot, which did not make me feel good, made me feel like a piggy bank more or less.

I knew that feeling was coming from a paranoid/irrational part of my brain, but I did not want to let it fester. So shortly after we made up, I decided that I should air that feeling out, instead of burying it. So I did, and I said (paraphrasing) 'I am happy to help out, especially with things that might come with us if we ever get our own place. But making home improvements on somebody else's house leaves me with a bad feeling, especially after I just helped buy his son a bed...' There was more (the piggy bank part), and she said it was never her intention to make me feel that way, and that she understood the home improvement thing. But she took issue with how I said his son. To her that was indicative that I would view her son differently and treat him differently and hold things against him? That comment came from how I feel her ex is takes advantage of her. She is naturally a very helpful person (she helped him find the house, and work with the lender, and even wrote a letter to the sellers of the house he's looking to buy). And now the relationship is over.

The idea that I would feel differently about her son I feel does not line with what I have done...if anything I was excited about the prospect of being a father figure and was actively looking for ways to be one, and to help her. And then she said something about us having different long term view points, not wanting a romantic relationship, that maybe after being friends for awhile we might be able to get back together she later walked this back saying she did not see this happening, all the while saying I was an amazing and great person (and still wanted to be friends). And now I am left depressed, confused, angry, and sort of devastated. She does not seem to realize how hurt I am by all of this as she wants to just seamlessly move into being friends. From previous relationships I have some trauma and general trust issues, and I was really working hard on overcoming that with her and trying to share and not let things linger and become issues later...and all that is down the drain now, or feels that way any rate. A lot of feelings are going through my head, like was she just looking for an excuse to end things, and I'm just left feeling bitter and I do not know what I did...I understand the swearing bit, and how that is reminiscent of trauma from her past relationship and is something she will not put up with long term. But I do not want to help her ****ty ex with home improvements and I help with her son where he should...and I'm the bad guy? She checked off just about every box I had in terms of what I look for in a SO and to lose her like this is really knocking me down, and I can feel myself breaking apart.

I am sorry if that got confusing, I wanted to avoid names. And that got longer than I originally planned. Thank you for reading...venting did not help as much as I had hoped.

[Melayl]

This isn’t my first time posting here, but I feel like sharing an update about my life and how I feel about things. No need to comment if you don’t want to, this is more about me getting things out in a place free from judgment.

Spoiler: Warning: May contain traces of self-pity

Show

Nearly two years ago (August 2019), I moved from Canada to the UK. I had taken a job as a teacher in an academically renowned school right out of my graduate programme, and I thought that I would get a chance to travel and meet new people. It sounds incredibly cliche, but I wanted to put some miles on my soul. When I left, my family was undergoing a strange metamorphosis. My parents - who split up years ago and both had new partners - were on the path to reconciliation and were friends again. My half brother on my dad’s side had turned 1 a few months before. My dog - who I essentially raised from a puppy in my teens - had turned 10 and was entering her twilight years. One of my best friends in the world was engaged to be married; I had saved the date for summer of 2020.

When I started my job in September 2019, I realized right away just how demanding it was going to be. They tell you that teaching is one of those professions that’s exceptionally hard in the first 2 years, because you have to get used to the workload and you haven’t build up your own compendium of resources that you feel comfortable teaching yet. Making your own lesson plans and working on a curriculum can be really daunting at first, and the school I had chosen to work at had very high expectations for teachers. If you aren’t in by 7:00 and out later than 6:00 in your first year, then you’re going to fall behind. Obviously there are more demanding jobs out there (I’m not going to pretend that teaching doesn’t have benefits) but the workplace culture took me by surprise.

Slight digression: I suspect a big part of the shock was the combination of new workplace with just new culture in general. Being Canadian in the UK meant that I generally had to suppress my emotions and work like a drone just like everyone else around me. That’s just how professionals do it in this country - keep calm and carry on.

But that was okay, because I met someone, another Canadian. This person was kind, brutally intelligent (smarter than me for sure), amazingly beautiful, and she always made me smile. Like me, she had come over from Canada to work as a teacher in the UK. We did a little dance around each other at work for maybe a month before getting together on a wild night out and decided after a whirlwind trip to Hungary for a week that we would give it a real shot. And this was endgame stuff: we clicked on everything, had amazing chemistry on every level, and for a while I was unbelievably happy with her. Things were looking great.

Fast forward to March 2020... do I even need to say it? Covid 19 played merry hell on my life. At the risk of getting into politics, the UK did not handle the pandemic particularly well. Quarantine nearly cost us our relationship as my partner and I were separated and started fighting all of the time on the phone. I had booked a flight home for Easter to see everyone, which got cancelled. I was depressed, gained weight, and ended up contracting Covid myself.

However things did not stop there; I had deep vein thrombosis in my leg, and the blood clots soon moved up into both of my lungs. I would wake up unable to walk, barely able to breathe without pain. This eventually landed me in the hospital for about a week (May 2020). My partner was super supportive, but something in me turned bitter. The doctors told me that I had unprovoked pulmonary embolisms in both lungs, and the long term prognosis wasn’t great. I should expect lower quality of life, and as I grew older the risk of recurring blood clots in the lungs would increase. I also had a shortened life expectancy now.

This episode was the beginning of the end of my relationship. Summer was alright - we were able to travel to Scotland, which was absolutely beautiful - but otherwise I was pretty miserable and sick of pretending not to be for her sake. She was tired of holding me up, and I resented her for being healthy. Meanwhile at home, things were happening quickly. My dog died a few months ago and I barely got to say goodbye (I would have if I’d been home last Easter). My friend got married in a small ceremony, his big splashy wedding postponed. I was supposed to watch it online, but my internet was acting up so I missed it. My brother had turned 3 - I’m terrified that he has forgotten how to say my name.

So my partner and I broke up. More accurately, I pushed her away. The way I did it was cruel, without warning or provocation. I won’t share details because it’s not all worth getting into and I don’t think I could look myself in the mirror if I wrote it all down. But make no mistake, this was a person with whom I had discussed building a future when we got home, and I dashed it all to pieces in less than a week.

Fast forward to now. I live alone with people I despise (the less said about my roommates the better). I speak to nobody at work; at the end of the day, I go home alone and angry and guilty because I know it’s my fault that I haven’t spoken to my family but I can’t face any of them now. My mood oscillates between seething rage that I have wasted two years of my life and pretty bleak depression as I wonder what the point of all of this was. On the weekends, I don’t speak to anyone. My closest friends are hundreds of kilometres and four time zones away. I will return to a world that I do not recognize and has in many ways moved on without me, and I will have no stories of my own that I care to share.

And yes, I know that there are plenty of people who have it worse than me. I know that I must sound like a whiny child, complaining about my little problems. The pandemic has impacted everyone in some way. If anything, that makes it worse; who the f*ck am I to complain about my life? How presumptuous am I, for doing that? To assume that my problems matter, or that I should not blame myself for the majority of them?

In all honesty, I would have done something more drastic a long time ago if I didn’t think that a permanent ending would be too quick for someone like me.

Again, there is no obligation to comment. Just because something needs to be said does not mean it needs to be heard.

I will echo Phoenix in saying that your story is just as important as anyone else's and that it sounds as though you may ne experiencing major (clinical) depression.

This is nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly not something you brought upon yourself. It is something you really need to speak to a medical and/or psychological professional about. Depression isn't anything to be messed around with.

[2D8HP]

For a long sad list of reasons since May I've been renting a room in a house in the city I work in and have been moving things into it, and I was going to move myself into and away from my wife's house after "our" five-year old's first day of Kindergarten later this month, but in a snit I left earlier than I planned on July 27th, and for six nights I slept away from my wife's house and the only time I cried during those six days was once, when me and my wife spoke on the phone.

But a promise is a promise and I had promised my wife I'd help her clear out her Mom's house (who's now in assisted living) so I returned to her house for a night then boarded a jet with her.

Below is a letter I sent my Mom:

'Thanks Mom, you're kind to ask.

The weather has been much better, it was nicely overcast, we even got some site seeing in and not just house cleaning and document inspecting today.

We did spend what felt like too time than we'd like dealing with what to do with [my wife's] parent's revolver that would expose us to the least liability, we didn't think we could safely leave it for the removal crew.

Me and my [my wife] did a lot of talking and crying a few nights ago, and we were more honest with each other without also yelling at each other than, well ever, without much details I did tell my wife I'd "already been on lunch dates with other women" (that would be with [my girlfriend], and with my roommate [her name], I didn't give a number or mention that my male roommate [his name] was also on some of the "dates", perhaps that's cruel or merciful, I suspect the latter more), and that I'd already received "my first kiss from a woman in 18 years" and I pointed to my cheek and said here". I told [my wife] that even as I was on the dates and thinking "this is nice" I wondered "Why can't this be with my wife?", and I told her that after I was kissed I wondered "Why couldn't this been from my wife?".

I can't remember when in the conversation but also I said to her "You didn't want me" and a lot more.

She said quite a lot as well.

She seems more displeased by the idea that I may re-marry and have more kids more than anything else (a possibility she brought up).

Lots of tears during that talk, on both sides

I asked (since she's clear that we are never to touch) why she wants me with her at all besides finances and the kids and she told me "Because you're the only family I have left and you've always had my back".

Sometime later at dark o'clock she came into my bedroom and said "You're happier there" (San Francisco), but to please live with her and the kids on the weekend and pretend to the five-year-old that I'm only away on weeknights because of work "I can convince him of that", as if he (like the older boy) won't eventually notice that "Mom and Dad" never hug and kiss.

The idea does have some appeal though, while I cry every night I share a roof with her I'd see the kids that way, but still have most nights away from her, which is when I don't cry.

I imagine my being a "weekend husband" will make dating implausible, but there'd still be a glimmer of hope, maybe some kind lady would tap me on the shoulder (hey, it happened in '89!), and I can talk books with [my male roomate], and movies with [my female roommate], futz with mitorcycles, and it would be enough - even if I never find someone who'll pretend to like the flowers I buy her.

After our talk and much tears me and [my wife] seemed to have an understanding, but next day she noted a towel I brought and commented with an edge in her voice "Got that on your own?"

I shouldn't be surprised but I'm disappointed.

Then the day after that she came to me, smiled, gave me a hug, and thanked me for "all that you've done", and didn't recoil when I kissed her on her cheek.

Both [my lady roommate] and [my girlfriend] have asked me how I am this week and I've told them much that I've now told you.

[My girlfriend] is anxious of but seems forgiving if me and [my wife] "patch things up" and says she still wants us to have the date we scheduled and cancelled because of illness.

I still have the most love for [my wife] (despite the bitterness, our first year and our eleventh year together were the happiest months of my life), and I'm very grateful to [my girlfriend] but I know I most look forward to time with [my lady roommate], our collection of old movies we selected together, and her dachshunds.

So, family life with [my wife], dates and (future?) kisses with [my girlfriend], and dates we don't call dates with [my lady roommate] ("[2D8HP], my coffee date just cancelled, do you want to hang out?").

I don't want to lose any of that, once I thought I could get all those things in one woman, but I guess that was too much of a burden.

It's complicated.

All three have cried in front of me and each time they do I fall in-love a little (an irrational failing of mine)

Between the two of us I expected [my brother's] life to be more like this and mine to be more traditional, but the reverse is true, just like he was the one to go to college.

I'm not sure who I am, and I certainly don't know what would be best to do.

-[2D8HP]'

[3SecondCultist]

I had to reply, even though the conversation has moved along a little.

It kinda sounds like you're trying to downplay a lot of what you're going through.
Why? Everyone has their problems, sure, but that doesn't make YOUR problems suck less, and for what it's worth I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I guess as an outsider reading this, I get a real *severe depression* vibe from what you've said.
I also wonder if the "nuke it from orbit" thing that you did to your relationship is as final as you make it sound. I do feel that a professional would be best to help you work that out, though, as well as helping you process the trauma you've gone through in the past 2 years. Yeah, man. TRAUMA + some really self-destructive coping mechanisms. It doesn't sound like you've had a good run of things at all. And maybe you might regret some things that you did, or didn't do. But perhaps you just did the best you *could* at the time, in very stressful situations.

Guilt can be helpful sometimes to recognise when we need to improve, but it's not helpful if it always keeps you in a dark place just beating yourself up about things. I don't know how to say this without sounding incredibly patronising, but I struggle with unresolved guilt about things. And I tell myself that I do the best I *can* and sometimes that means I'll make mistakes. That means that we just have to try to do better or be better in the future.

I really hope that things start looking brighter for you soon. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you just keep going, 2 years won't really feel like much at all once you're looking back.

I will echo Phoenix in saying that your story is just as important as anyone else's and that it sounds as though you may ne experiencing major (clinical) depression.

This is nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly not something you brought upon yourself. It is something you really need to speak to a medical and/or psychological professional about. Depression isn't anything to be messed around with.

Thank you for the kind words, both of you. They do mean a lot; I will admit that I had a bad run of it in the UK, and I need to find someone that I can speak to professionally about my assorted baggage. There is unfortunately quite a bit to unpack, but I hope that finding someone to listen, empathize and offer constructive solutions will be productive. When I start my new job in a few weeks, I will certainly avail myself to the in-house counsellor.

Two weeks ago, I flew home to Canada. I’m on holiday now and enjoying catching up with friends and family. It’s been exceptionally strange - I went from being totally isolated to being inundated with attention, which has been both gratifying and overwhelming as I’m sure various folks here might imagine. When I’m alone, I still slip into bitter and oppressive moods. Talking with people has helped, but I’ve found that I have had to edit or omit significant details of my experience to nearly everyone. Nobody knows the full story: every time I tell it, it’s a bit different.

Guilt is a funny beast. The further I get from everything that’s happened - both emotionally and physically - the easier it is to live with stuff. But there’s always the thought at the back of your mind that says ‘can you really be okay with living with this? What kind of person does that make you?’. And that’s a whole different brand of self-flagellation. I’m trying to avoid that cycle, but it’s difficult to mean it when I smile every day.

(I just turned 27 by the way - I imagine I’m pretty close to the average age for forum users, perhaps slightly below)

[Tvtyrant]

For a long sad list of reasons since May I've been renting a room in a house in the city I work in and have been moving things into it, and I was going to move myself into and away from my wife's house after "our" five-year old's first day of Kindergarten later this month, but in a snit I left earlier than I planned on July 27th, and for six nights I slept away from my wife's house and the only time I cried during those six days was once, when me and my wife spoke on the phone.

But a promise is a promise and I had promised my wife I'd help her clear out her Mom's house (who's now in assisted living) so I returned to her house for a night then boarded a jet with her.

Below is a letter I sent my Mom:

'Thanks Mom, you're kind to ask.

The weather has been much better, it was nicely overcast, we even got some site seeing in and not just house cleaning and document inspecting today.

We did spend what felt like too time than we'd like dealing with what to do with [my wife's] parent's revolver that would expose us to the least liability, we didn't think we could safely leave it for the removal crew.

Me and my [my wife] did a lot of talking and crying a few nights ago, and we were more honest with each other without also yelling at each other than, well ever, without much details I did tell my wife I'd "already been on lunch dates with other women" (that would be with [my girlfriend], and with my roommate [her name], I didn't give a number or mention that my male roommate [his name] was also on some of the "dates", perhaps that's cruel or merciful, I suspect the latter more), and that I'd already received "my first kiss from a woman in 18 years" and I pointed to my cheek and said here". I told [my wife] that even as I was on the dates and thinking "this is nice" I wondered "Why can't this be with my wife?", and I told her that after I was kissed I wondered "Why couldn't this been from my wife?".

I can't remember when in the conversation but also I said to her "You didn't want me" and a lot more.

She said quite a lot as well.

She seems more displeased by the idea that I may re-marry and have more kids more than anything else (a possibility she brought up).

Lots of tears during that talk, on both sides

I asked (since she's clear that we are never to touch) why she wants me with her at all besides finances and the kids and she told me "Because you're the only family I have left and you've always had my back".

Sometime later at dark o'clock she came into my bedroom and said "You're happier there" (San Francisco), but to please live with her and the kids on the weekend and pretend to the five-year-old that I'm only away on weeknights because of work "I can convince him of that", as if he (like the older boy) won't eventually notice that "Mom and Dad" never hug and kiss.

The idea does have some appeal though, while I cry every night I share a roof with her I'd see the kids that way, but still have most nights away from her, which is when I don't cry.

I imagine my being a "weekend husband" will make dating implausible, but there'd still be a glimmer of hope, maybe some kind lady would tap me on the shoulder (hey, it happened in '89!), and I can talk books with [my male roomate], and movies with [my female roommate], futz with mitorcycles, and it would be enough - even if I never find someone who'll pretend to like the flowers I buy her.

After our talk and much tears me and [my wife] seemed to have an understanding, but next day she noted a towel I brought and commented with an edge in her voice "Got that on your own?"

I shouldn't be surprised but I'm disappointed.

Then the day after that she came to me, smiled, gave me a hug, and thanked me for "all that you've done", and didn't recoil when I kissed her on her cheek.

Both [my lady roommate] and [my girlfriend] have asked me how I am this week and I've told them much that I've now told you.

[My girlfriend] is anxious of but seems forgiving if me and [my wife] "patch things up" and says she still wants us to have the date we scheduled and cancelled because of illness.

I still have the most love for [my wife] (despite the bitterness, our first year and our eleventh year together were the happiest months of my life), and I'm very grateful to [my girlfriend] but I know I most look forward to time with [my lady roommate], our collection of old movies we selected together, and her dachshunds.

So, family life with [my wife], dates and (future?) kisses with [my girlfriend], and dates we don't call dates with [my lady roommate] ("[2D8HP], my coffee date just cancelled, do you want to hang out?").

I don't want to lose any of that, once I thought I could get all those things in one woman, but I guess that was too much of a burden.

It's complicated.

All three have cried in front of me and each time they do I fall in-love a little (an irrational failing of mine)

Between the two of us I expected [my brother's] life to be more like this and mine to be more traditional, but the reverse is true, just like he was the one to go to college.

I'm not sure who I am, and I certainly don't know what would be best to do.

-[2D8HP]'

Don't stay with your wife, cut off contact with her while you see a therapist. I don't know the whole story, but your relationship hasn't been working for a long time and you need some time to figure out what you want now that the relationship is over. It's extremely easy to justify staying in an abusive relationship if you are trying to figure out what you want while being connected to your abuser, and given the things you have talked about she clearly is.

[2D8HP]

Thank you for the advice Tvtyrant