Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Kesnit]

Would you find it helpful if I had a source where you could discuss this with other lawyers and see what their responses and advice may be?

That would help, yes.

[HalfTangible]

Part of me thinks I am nuts for thinking of this, but I just don't think I can plow my way through another 5 years where I am now.

... Seems like you've already made your decision then. Assuming Peelee's source doesn't work out for ya.

[Peelee]

... Seems like you've already made your decision then. Assuming Peelee's source doesn't work out for ya.

The best part about my suggestion was they get nothing but responses from lawyers, and the worst part about my suggestion was they get nothing but responses from lawyers.

[dehro]

... Seems like you've already made your decision then. Assuming Peelee's source doesn't work out for ya.

what he said

The best part about my suggestion was they get nothing but responses from lawyers, and the worst part about my suggestion was they get nothing but responses from lawyers.

lol

[DarthArminius]

I'm going to let out a "personal whoah!" to stop this horse from falling off the website.

[Lissou]

Well, this thread is for woes but we don't often get updates so since it's quiet (thanks for bumping it DarthArminius) I'm going to give an update.

First, a background: my husband died in November 2020, either of complications from covid (he has compatible symptoms but tested negative) or from complications from heart failure/diabetes, which he suffered from.

Since then I have been seeing a psychiatrist, which I needed anyway due to a couple of disorders (ADD and MDD for those who are interested) and actually changes psychiatrists about a year ago because I wasn't happy with my first one, who I felt was minimizing some of my experience.
I'm very happy with my current therapist and while there are down days I'm mostly able to stay motivated and positive and not fall into a spiral of doubt and despair, so my treatment is helping a lot!

I'm polyamorous but didn't have other partners when my husband passed. Being poly means I didn't have to deal with the idea that starting a new relationship would mean "cheating" (if it was fine while he was alive, I can't see why it would be bad once he's dead), but of course I also wanted to deal with things before meeting new people. I felt ready after about 6 months. I now have a boyfriend who is mostly a friend (we meet up ever few weeks to watch shows and don't really do anything that's specific to couples except sometimes quick kisses) who I have been with for a year, and another boyfriend since last December who is a lot more of a close relationship both physically and emotionally (we have told each other "I love you" and say it often, we cuddle and more whenever we see each other, we talk about very intimate things...). He doesn't have other partners but he jokes he's married to his job and so he finds polyamorous partners work best for him.

On the subject of work, I found and kept a full-time job for almost a year, but the company went bankrupt in April. Thankfully, I'm currently in France, and the social programs, while full of lengthy bureaucracy, exist and are pretty good. As a result, I'm going to get free training to help me switch careers, in the form of a 3-month UI/UX bootcamp that should start in October. In the meantime (and during) I will be getting unemployment. I'm very excited about the bootcamp and the career change, although I wish things would happen a bit faster.
To keep busy I am reading a lot about... random things? Today I went to the library and borrowed books about botany, climate change, gender identity, genetics, online harassment... so yeah, it's a pretty wide net but so far everything I've read has been at least interesting or helped me know something was either not for me, or not for me yet (some subjects I should probably borrow introductory books first).

I am also trying to keep active and eat healthy, although that's the part of my life that's going the least well, as I struggle with both. Taking it a day at a time though, trying to take walks (at night currently because wow is it hot out there during the day) and buy more vegetables within my budget.

I thought you guys would be happy to hear positive news, since this thread is great for positive support and motivation but we don't always hear back from people when things are going well :)

[Kesnit]

Did I do the wrong thing?

I've been mentoring an intern this summer, Rhonda. Through her, I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple of years - the head of our office creeps out the female staff who are in their 20s. (We have 2 older female staff - one in her 30s and the other in her 40s.) Although I first heard it from Rhonda, I have since heard the same thing from the other women. (Some specifically told me. Others I overheard comments they made.) Rhonda made me promise that I would not escalate the women's concerns without their permission. This wasn't a problem because I do not know specifics, only "we feel this way."

Rhonda told me a few weeks ago that she plans to speak to our office deputy, Leo, on her last day (next week) to tell him what has happened. I assume that means she plans to tell Leo exact details. I know Leo and know he will handle it appropriately - report it to HR if there is anything actually actionable - so didn't say anything and told Rhonda I supported her decision.

Two days ago, I heard Rhonda tell the other female intern that she either planned to or had told the intern coordinator at their school not to send female interns to our office in the future. Again, I think this is a good idea. But this is an escalation and, regardless of what is said, will trigger an investigation from our head office.

This is where I am afraid I overstepped. I went to our office manager, Marylyn (38F), who is also a friend and told her about Rhonda's plans. She agreed that this is a major issue and said we needed to give Leo a heads up. Marylyn told me that she had heard comments from the younger women that had made her wonder about the head of the office, but had chalked them up to his off sense of humor. Unlike me, she had not heard the comments from everyone and did not realize how widespread it was.

Marylyn and I spoke to Leo after hours yesterday. Leo assured me that, if Rhonda does speak to him, he will not tell her that I already did. He also told me that nothing I told him is actionable (which I knew), so there are no steps he can take unless and until Rhonda tells him more. He also told me that he had heard people talking, but without the full context, did not realize what all was going on. And he gave me the impression that our head of office is known to others at his level to be a bit creepy, based on comments Leo has heard at the management conference.

I feel like I did the right thing by telling Marylyn and Leo. But part of me feels like I broke my promise to Rhonda. Leo told me that this is the kind of promise you can't keep, but I still feel bad that I did it.

[LaZodiac]

Did I do the wrong thing?

I've been mentoring an intern this summer, Rhonda. Through her, I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple of years - the head of our office creeps out the female staff who are in their 20s. (We have 2 older female staff - one in her 30s and the other in her 40s.) Although I first heard it from Rhonda, I have since heard the same thing from the other women. (Some specifically told me. Others I overheard comments they made.) Rhonda made me promise that I would not escalate the women's concerns without their permission. This wasn't a problem because I do not know specifics, only "we feel this way."

Rhonda told me a few weeks ago that she plans to speak to our office deputy, Leo, on her last day (next week) to tell him what has happened. I assume that means she plans to tell Leo exact details. I know Leo and know he will handle it appropriately - report it to HR if there is anything actually actionable - so didn't say anything and told Rhonda I supported her decision.

Two days ago, I heard Rhonda tell the other female intern that she either planned to or had told the intern coordinator at their school not to send female interns to our office in the future. Again, I think this is a good idea. But this is an escalation and, regardless of what is said, will trigger an investigation from our head office.

This is where I am afraid I overstepped. I went to our office manager, Marylyn (38F), who is also a friend and told her about Rhonda's plans. She agreed that this is a major issue and said we needed to give Leo a heads up. Marylyn told me that she had heard comments from the younger women that had made her wonder about the head of the office, but had chalked them up to his off sense of humor. Unlike me, she had not heard the comments from everyone and did not realize how widespread it was.

Marylyn and I spoke to Leo after hours yesterday. Leo assured me that, if Rhonda does speak to him, he will not tell her that I already did. He also told me that nothing I told him is actionable (which I knew), so there are no steps he can take unless and until Rhonda tells him more. He also told me that he had heard people talking, but without the full context, did not realize what all was going on. And he gave me the impression that our head of office is known to others at his level to be a bit creepy, based on comments Leo has heard at the management conference.

I feel like I did the right thing by telling Marylyn and Leo. But part of me feels like I broke my promise to Rhonda. Leo told me that this is the kind of promise you can't keep, but I still feel bad that I did it.

She would have explained everything you explained. It seems like this was very much a Known Issue, so there's no benefit from you adding your voice to it necessarily.

I will say; you did break a promise, and that does suck. I don't think you need to feel too bad about it, but do take a step back and ask yourself why you decided to say this. Was it because "this will likely cause an investigation from the head office"? Was it something else? It's worth thinking about.

In summary; do feel bad, but instead of lingering on that ask yourself what motivated you do break that promise.

[HalfTangible]

Every year for July 4th, my family and I go on vacation with some family friends.

One of those family friends has a daughter around my own age... I'd thought I'd gotten over my crush on her. I only see her one week out of the year, if that, and at one point she brought her boyfriend up (who she was apparently engaged to for a while but that didn't work out).

Our families spent time together; by the river, cooking out, playing cards... And specifically during that last one I felt old feelings bubbling up again. I've caught myself fantasizing and checking her out. She's a real cutie and i hugged her tight when she left for the year.

It's a bad idea and I know it but I can't stop thinking about her. Think I'm still sweet on her and I don't know what to do about it.

[Form]

Every year for July 4th, my family and I go on vacation with some family friends.

One of those family friends has a daughter around my own age... I'd thought I'd gotten over my crush on her. I only see her one week out of the year, if that, and at one point she brought her boyfriend up (who she was apparently engaged to for a while but that didn't work out).

Our families spent time together; by the river, cooking out, playing cards... And specifically during that last one I felt old feelings bubbling up again. I've caught myself fantasizing and checking her out. She's a real cutie and i hugged her tight when she left for the year.

It's a bad idea and I know it but I can't stop thinking about her. Think I'm still sweet on her and I don't know what to do about it.

Well, you don't have to do anything about it. You don't have to do anything with it either. It's ok to enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling it gives you, just don't overindulge. Those feelings are there and that's fine. Acknowledge that, but keep living your life the way you normally would and don't let it stop you from pursuing other possible romantic options.

[Thrawn4]

Every year for July 4th, my family and I go on vacation with some family friends.
...
It's a bad idea and I know it but I can't stop thinking about her. Think I'm still sweet on her and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I am an idiot, so please excuse my stupidity, but couldn't you just invite her to some activity? Not a date, just something you both might enjoy? Maybe you will realize that she is not really special, or maybe she realizes you are special... but spending time together should help you to clarify things. Maybe she will politely decline your offer and you will know she is not interested, but imho this would still be better than wondering forever what might have been.
And really, I am just talking about hanging out together, not a public declaration of love.

[Thrawn4]

She would have explained everything you explained. It seems like this was very much a Known Issue, so there's no benefit from you adding your voice to it necessarily.

I will say; you did break a promise, and that does suck. I don't think you need to feel too bad about it, but do take a step back and ask yourself why you decided to say this. Was it because "this will likely cause an investigation from the head office"? Was it something else? It's worth thinking about.

In summary; do feel bad, but instead of lingering on that ask yourself what motivated you do break that promise.

I would like to change the order: First think about why you broke your promise. Maybe there was a good reason. If there weren't, you can still feel bad about it.

[LaZodiac]

I would like to change the order: First think about why you broke your promise. Maybe there was a good reason. If there weren't, you can still feel bad about it.

If you try hard enough you can think of a justification for anything that assuages all guilt.

[HalfTangible]

Maybe I am an idiot, so please excuse my stupidity, but couldn't you just invite her to some activity? Not a date, just something you both might enjoy? Maybe you will realize that she is not really special, or maybe she realizes you are special... but spending time together should help you to clarify things. Maybe she will politely decline your offer and you will know she is not interested, but imho this would still be better than wondering forever what might have been.
And really, I am just talking about hanging out together, not a public declaration of love.

We only really see each other once a year during that week for July 4th.

[Sigako]

My predicament is rather silly.

I had an online friend, and we knew each other for about 10 years. BFFs and all that. I'm 30 yo now, he's 2 years younger.
Several years ago I gradually started behaving like an a*****e and a drama-queen and getting crazy in general (well, I did have issues with both my private and professional life, but that's no excuse). Eventually he's got fed up and after one too many of my screw-ups banned me everywhere, roughly two years ago.
I think he was justified in this regard, and he left no opportunity for me to apologize anyway, so the best option is to just let go.
The problem: I can't let go. I still can't stop thinking about this and, in familiar terms, have to make a Will save every few months against trying to contact him. I might have been having a crush on him as well to complicate things further, but I'm not sure, since I have no relevant experience to compare.

So, how do I get him and whole this mess out of my head? This constant feeling of guilt and yearning for happier years (which are mostly self-serving memories anyway) does not help my mental health, which hasn't improved since that time.

[Liquor Box]

My predicament is rather silly.

I had an online friend, and we knew each other for about 10 years. BFFs and all that. I'm 30 yo now, he's 2 years younger.
Several years ago I gradually started behaving like an a*****e and a drama-queen and getting crazy in general (well, I did have issues with both my private and professional life, but that's no excuse). Eventually he's got fed up and after one too many of my screw-ups banned me everywhere, roughly two years ago.
I think he was justified in this regard, and he left no opportunity for me to apologize anyway, so the best option is to just let go.
The problem: I can't let go. I still can't stop thinking about this and, in familiar terms, have to make a Will save every few months against trying to contact him. I might have been having a crush on him as well to complicate things further, but I'm not sure, since I have no relevant experience to compare.

So, how do I get him and whole this mess out of my head? This constant feeling of guilt and yearning for happier years (which are mostly self-serving memories anyway) does not help my mental health, which hasn't improved since that time.

Find a different guy to be interested in.

[Sigako]

Find a different guy to be interested in.

Crazy a*****e with heavy mood swings here. The fact that I couldn't find another guy I could form a connection with was one of the initial problems.
And even I draw a line at actually becoming a stalker.

[Thrawn4]

If you try hard enough you can think of a justification for anything that assuages all guilt.

True. You have to find the strength to be honest to yourself. I still maintain that sometimes there are actually good reasons, even though some people prefer to lie to themselves.

[Thrawn4]

We only really see each other once a year during that week for July 4th.

"Hey, it was fun to talk about / do xyz with you. How about we don't wait for another year?"
I realize that this would be unusual and therefore take courage, but if you have a common interests you could just suggest it during the conversation.
Obviously depends on whether you have common hobbies or interests.
Now, even then it is not easy, I realize that. Maybe start with a text message that refers to your last discussion? You know, just keep the talk going.
"So, just wondering, do you still think Captain America is superior to Iron Man?"
Let her realize you are fun to talk to, you don't have to start with a date.

[Thrawn4]

My predicament is rather silly.

I had an online friend, and we knew each other for about 10 years. BFFs and all that. I'm 30 yo now, he's 2 years younger.
Several years ago I gradually started behaving like an a*****e and a drama-queen and getting crazy in general (well, I did have issues with both my private and professional life, but that's no excuse). Eventually he's got fed up and after one too many of my screw-ups banned me everywhere, roughly two years ago.
I think he was justified in this regard, and he left no opportunity for me to apologize anyway, so the best option is to just let go.
The problem: I can't let go. I still can't stop thinking about this and, in familiar terms, have to make a Will save every few months against trying to contact him. I might have been having a crush on him as well to complicate things further, but I'm not sure, since I have no relevant experience to compare.

So, how do I get him and whole this mess out of my head? This constant feeling of guilt and yearning for happier years (which are mostly self-serving memories anyway) does not help my mental health, which hasn't improved since that time.

Two options: Let go or do something about it. From the sound of it the former option would leave you doubting yourself, so I suggest you try to fix it. That way, even if it does not work, you will know you have tried.

If you have been BFFs you certainly know somebody who knows him. Write an honest letter about how you screwed up, offer an explanation and point out that this is no excuse for your poor behaviour. Finish by stating that you remember the good times and would appreciate a second chance.

Cheesy? Probably.
Embarassing? Depends on your phrasing.
But here is the thing: Taking action and risking disappointment will free you from being a passive bystander, and you will be able to say you did something not everybody would have dared to.
You know, add some good qualities to the crazy a*****e ;-)

[halfeye]

Did I do the wrong thing?

I've been mentoring an intern this summer, Rhonda. Through her, I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple of years - the head of our office creeps out the female staff who are in their 20s. (We have 2 older female staff - one in her 30s and the other in her 40s.) Although I first heard it from Rhonda, I have since heard the same thing from the other women. (Some specifically told me. Others I overheard comments they made.) Rhonda made me promise that I would not escalate the women's concerns without their permission. This wasn't a problem because I do not know specifics, only "we feel this way."

...

I feel like I did the right thing by telling Marylyn and Leo. But part of me feels like I broke my promise to Rhonda. Leo told me that this is the kind of promise you can't keep, but I still feel bad that I did it.

What you did wrong (IMHO) was making the promise. It can be very hard not to make promises like that, but in the end experience says you shouldn't.

[Liquor Box]

Crazy a*****e with heavy mood swings here. The fact that I couldn't find another guy I could form a connection with was one of the initial problems.
And even I draw a line at actually becoming a stalker.

Well, then throw yourself into something else - your work or your hobby or something.

I also thought Thrawn's advice was sound. You could write a letter, but after that it's time to move on.

[Asmotherion]

I'm just looking for some outside thoughts on this...

I'm a lawyer and work in a government job. I'm 5 years into Public Service Loan Forgiveness, with 5 more years to go. I live in one state and am licensed and work in another. I am not licensed where I live.

For the past few years, I've been getting very frustrated with my job. For the most part, I like it. But there have been several times when my boss has thrown me under the bus. Sometimes for things I did and he overreacted. Sometimes I got blamed for things that were not my fault. Normally, this would be a sign to move on to a new job. However, we have a house we really like, and finding a job where I am licensed would involve having to move.

My alternative is to get licensed where I live, which can be done one of two ways. One way is to apply to waive the Bar exam. The other is to take this state's Bar. I would prefer to waive in as the Bar is a nightmare. (I've taken it twice before in 2 states.) But when I looked at the waiver application, it requires me to list about 20 references (none of whom are a relative), some of whom have to have seen me practice law. Since the idea is to keep this quiet, I would be very limited in who I could list as a professional reference. I just don't think I can find that many people! My other option is the take this state's Bar Exam. This would require me to also take a Bar preparation class while working full time. I've done that before (for the 2nd Bar I took) and know it can be done, but it is killer.

Part of me thinks I am nuts for thinking of this, but I just don't think I can plow my way through another 5 years where I am now.

I'd really like to help you more than this, but all I can suggest is weight up the pros and cons of each option and come up with a conclusion.

All I can do otherwise is tell you my personal take on the matter, but that may or may not apply to you, as you are a different person. But here goes:

Personally, if I didn't like something about my job, I would try to find something else, and make it work. I know it sounds cliche, but that's my personal opinion on the matter. Your job consists of 1/3 of your life, Half of your awake life to be precise. And if you're unhappy in 1/3 of your life, everything falls appart.

Also, it's always good that your boss knows he doesn't have you for granted, thus his behaviour might change. Inform him of offers you have, and see his counter offer.

About getting lissenced: I think the better option is to take the exam, since you want to keep it quiet. You deffinitelly can do it, you've done so before.

PS: Sorry for the late reply, I just saw your post and wanted to provide my 2 cents on this.

Every year for July 4th, my family and I go on vacation with some family friends.

One of those family friends has a daughter around my own age... I'd thought I'd gotten over my crush on her. I only see her one week out of the year, if that, and at one point she brought her boyfriend up (who she was apparently engaged to for a while but that didn't work out).

Our families spent time together; by the river, cooking out, playing cards... And specifically during that last one I felt old feelings bubbling up again. I've caught myself fantasizing and checking her out. She's a real cutie and i hugged her tight when she left for the year.

It's a bad idea and I know it but I can't stop thinking about her. Think I'm still sweet on her and I don't know what to do about it.

Do you otherwise communicate? My take on it is, the best way to stop thinking about her is to ask her out. Best case, she reciprocates your feelings, worst case, she doesn't and you quit wondering if she might.

And, the bonus is, even if she doesn't reciprocate, you'll be seeing her again after 1 year, so things will cool off, and you'll both laugh about it by that time.

[Sigako]

Well, then throw yourself into something else - your work or your hobby or something.

I also thought Thrawn's advice was sound. You could write a letter, but after that it's time to move on.

The kicker is that I have no idea HOW to move on.
Been trying to salvage something of my work and hobbies for 3 years now, with little success, but ok.

[Peelee]

We only really see each other once a year during that week for July 4th.

You ever see When Harry Met Sally? Those clips interspersed throughout of the couples telling how they got to be together? Those are actors, but the stories are real. Thats just life sometimes, ya know?

Take a chance.

[LaZodiac]

You ever see When Harry Met Sally? Those clips interspersed throughout of the couples telling how they got to be together? Those are actors, but the stories are real. Thats just life sometimes, ya know?

Take a chance.

She has a boyfriend already, as HT has mentioned. Definitely don't.

[HalfTangible]

She has a boyfriend already, as HT has mentioned. Definitely don't.

To clarify: she had a boyfriend, and was even going to marry him at one point, but that didn't work out. As far as I know, she's currently single. But I don't know a lot about what's going on in her life so I could very easily be wrong.

[Dame_Mechanus]

She has a boyfriend already, as HT has mentioned. Definitely don't.

It's still fundamentally the right advice. Either you take an action or don't. Rejection is scary, absolutely, no argument, but not risking anything is not going to change anything either. You either go for the chance or you let go of it, but you can't just forever wonder "what's the right action to take?" without doing something.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. And maybe nothing should be ventured. But if that's the case, just decide not to do it.

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everyone. I'm very sad at the moment because one of my friends on YouTube that goes by the name of Old Dirty Ninja has passed away today. My energy is low and I'm very heartbroken that he passed away.

[Dame_Mechanus]

Hey everyone. I'm very sad at the moment because one of my friends on YouTube that goes by the name of Old Dirty Ninja has passed away today. My energy is low and I'm very heartbroken that he passed away.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how much it hurts when someone close to you says goodbye. I hope that whatever happened wasn't even more traumatizing than it has to be, and you have my best wishes as you navigate through the grieving process. Give yourself the space you need and use it as a motivator to bring the other people who matter to you closer into your life.