Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Bartmanhomer]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how much it hurts when someone close to you says goodbye. I hope that whatever happened wasn't even more traumatizing than it has to be, and you have my best wishes as you navigate through the grieving process. Give yourself the space you need and use it as a motivator to bring the other people who matter to you closer into your life.

With all the craziness that happened on YouTube. I waa going to take a break from YouTube from the middle of YouTube but I feel like taking a break right now because YouTube is extremely draining.

[Liquor Box]

To clarify: she had a boyfriend, and was even going to marry him at one point, but that didn't work out. As far as I know, she's currently single. But I don't know a lot about what's going on in her life so I could very easily be wrong.

The has/had distinction is less important than whether you can beat him in a fight.

I think you should go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[Dame_Mechanus]

Not really looking for advice of any sort, just sympathy.

My wife and I both lost our jobs through what amount to rather underhanded dealings with our employers, and I've been applying pretty religiously but without a great deal of luck with interviews over the past few weeks. Last week, I had a couple of interviews, one for a job I wanted and thought I was exceedingly qualified for, the other for a job I discovered during the interview process I really did not want. (This did not mean that I didn't turn on the charm during the interview just the same.)

I was supposed to hear about the job I didn't want last week, and the job I did want this week. I still haven't heard back from the job I didn't want even after reaching out earlier in the week. Tonight I heard back from the job I did want and found out I didn't get it.

We've got savings and accommodations to the point that we've got time and I don't have to take the job I don't want even if it's offered to me, something that basically everyone has told me not to do (which is logical, I wouldn't want to work there and we're nowhere near the point of "must get something, anything" in our respective hunts). It's just really demoralizing to not get the offer, to only be contacted by one, and to generally be left feeling like I'm just not good enough. Which, between anxiety, impostor syndrome, and trauma, is a mindset that I'm already predisposed toward. It's the sort of thing that makes me feel like we're not going to be okay, even though I have a support network and we have plans to support ourselves for nearly a year if need be.

[Sigako]

Not really looking for advice of any sort, just sympathy.

My wife and I both lost our jobs through what amount to rather underhanded dealings with our employers, and I've been applying pretty religiously but without a great deal of luck with interviews over the past few weeks. Last week, I had a couple of interviews, one for a job I wanted and thought I was exceedingly qualified for, the other for a job I discovered during the interview process I really did not want. (This did not mean that I didn't turn on the charm during the interview just the same.)

I was supposed to hear about the job I didn't want last week, and the job I did want this week. I still haven't heard back from the job I didn't want even after reaching out earlier in the week. Tonight I heard back from the job I did want and found out I didn't get it.

We've got savings and accommodations to the point that we've got time and I don't have to take the job I don't want even if it's offered to me, something that basically everyone has told me not to do (which is logical, I wouldn't want to work there and we're nowhere near the point of "must get something, anything" in our respective hunts). It's just really demoralizing to not get the offer, to only be contacted by one, and to generally be left feeling like I'm just not good enough. Which, between anxiety, impostor syndrome, and trauma, is a mindset that I'm already predisposed toward. It's the sort of thing that makes me feel like we're not going to be okay, even though I have a support network and we have plans to support ourselves for nearly a year if need be.

That sucks all right.
That being said, there are often smaller jobs and freelance opportunities available - not enough to cover all your spendings, but better than nothing, and you can be picky at these ones, especially if you have some financial buttress as you've said. Not only it slows down dwindlig of your resources, it also can help with insecurities.

[Dame_Mechanus]

That sucks all right.
That being said, there are often smaller jobs and freelance opportunities available - not enough to cover all your spendings, but better than nothing, and you can be picky at these ones, especially if you have some financial buttress as you've said. Not only it slows down dwindlig of your resources, it also can help with insecurities.

Yep. We're exploring that and paying attention to that, we have plans and backup plans and further plans. But I do appreciate the good wishes and understanding there. As hard as it is for anxious me to recognize it, we are not in panic mode at this time, and the odds are we'll never get to panic mode. It's just really upsetting.

[VoxRationis]

This is the way of capital. The idea is to render the applicant desperate by deliberately exposing them to all manner of degradation in the process of their looking for a job and then to give them not the slightest courtesy in return.

[Salbazier]

I just need to vent

Spoiler

Show

So, I just got into fight with my mother. The root was petty honestly. I was in the middle when suddenly cockroach landed in my lap, after a bit panic, the I thought the cockroach gone. I try to resume eating, but then the cokcroach back and this time even crawling on my nape. It just happen my brother/mother were asking what happened, so I yell, partly in answer, and partly in panic, 'COCKROACH'!

My mother ended up angry for surprising her with my voiceand keep going for a while, criticising me for yelling loudly, and on, even goes as far as saying I could give her heart attack, and what happen if she died etc.

I was frankly got upset in turn, because I WAS SURPRISED TOO. That's why I screamed in the first place. I said as much. There's nothing else though so I then try to tidy up. My mother told me go eat at the room (earlier she's was saying I should just leave the chair when the cocroack, but I argued back that I was middle of eating that's why I wasn't leaving). I respond, I was done eating, no taste to continue. (How could I, the food wasn't that good, I was tired by the cocroach surprise, and there I was keep being told off.) And she tell 'you are wasting money'.

I lost it there. I grab the empty paper box that was food, and smach back into the table. My mother getting angrier, saying 'You dare!?'

God, I truly lost it there. See, I keep having grudge. Of being faulted by mother of various things, things that even not my fault sometimes. It just, I'm not sure how to describe it. It a cycle of grudge that just keep it festering. Now, I wil not say I'm innocent here. I did a lot of wrong myself, and nursing grudge is something I'm aware is bad, and I would rather not be grudgeful person. So I always try to keep myself in check. But the dam broke some at that moment. So I yell complaints back about how I always blamed everything and everything (exaggerating yes).

I was losing my mind, I felt with urge to smash things. I try to resist though, instead I ... shake the dishwasher faucet, fill my mouth with the water, and dumping my head among the dirty dishes and running water.

Like I said, I was losing my mind. Not smashing things around (such as my head) was about the extent of my self-control remains.

Amidst this my mother still mouth off some to one another. She going about what I'm doing is wrong/not allowed, I should not going continously like this, etc (Note: not exact translation, we were not arguing in English) while I begging 'please stop, just for once stob blaming/attacking me' 'I'm trying to calm down' or stuffs like that.

My mother fed up and leave the kitchen. I managed to calm myself enough to lift my head from the dishwashing tub. And spend the next minutes, continuing to try to calm down, finishing the food (because her earlier complaint about wasting food), and making myself drink (because I have not drink after the dinner, also part of trying to calm down), while sobbing and trying resisting doing something worse.

Food and drink done, I shut myself in my room. I managed to stop sobbing after yelling into pillows. Spending the last few hours stewing. Didn't managed to resist completely from smashing things unfornatutely. Fortunately it was just mostly soft things (like my hat), and one tupperware cover.

I've calmed down somewhat. But my mind still fixates on the event, despite the ongoing effort to distract myself. Still breaking into sobs or smashing urge every dozen minutes or so. I'm typing this post, in hope that venting it into somewhere, anything, will help calm down better than keeping it inside.


So yeah. I do feel bad about what did. That was not something necessary, but lost my mind is what happened. And once it happens... I'm still angry with my mother, I was losing my mind like, and all she was going was about how dare I to angry and tantrums (I'll be fair and admit tantrums is apt descriptor for my action there). I mind yeah, sure tantrum it was not a good thing. BUT WHERE ON ****ING EARTH SOMEONE LOSING HIS MIND WILL CALM DOWN BY LECTURING HIM HOW WRONG HIM TO LOSE MIND!?

Honestly, part of why I'm regretting losing my mind, because I didn't managed to argue back her properly. Like telling her that part of why I'm don't have taste to continue eating because she's keep going off on me like that. I bet she's though the period was in the still kitchen and making noise, was just me contuning to tantrum, when in reality I was ****ing trying to finish the food like she wanted.

And like, she can get angry continously for me suprised her, but I'm not allowed to be angry for her making half-crazy?


Haah. Oh well. I don't know what to from here, hopefully getting this out my system can help to stop myself keep going back into the negative spiral.

If you read those text above, thank you for willing to read my crazy rambling.

[2D8HP]

I’m a deeply unhappy man, and most advice I’ve heard boils down to:

1. “suck it up buttercup, stay miserable and be a good Dad”

2. “Abandon the kids you’re raising and completely leave your marriage”

3. “something something somehow be able to pay enough rent to have joint custody” (I’ve spoken to lawyers and done the math, after a legal divorce I’d have to sleep at work, in a car, or my Mom’s basement).

4. “Stay with your wife and visit professional ‘escorts’ for easing romantic cravings”

None of these alternatives appeal to me!

I hate my job (as I’ve hated every previous job), but I feel a need to do it to keep two kids health insurance.

I hate my celibacy (which, depending on your definition of “sex” started either over 30 years ago after I fell in love with the woman who I would later marry, or nineteen years ago after me and my wife’s child was stillborn).

My wife has two sons, both conceived via in-vitro using a donor (allegedly because she didn’t want kids that were like my relatives, but in hindsight because she didn’t to have sex with me), those sons call me “Dad” and seem to love me, but (to my shame) that’s not enough for me to be happy, I want physical and verbal affection from a woman I love who I can at least pretend loves me.

Despite her still being painfully beautiful to me because if I’m away I can pretend I’m rejecting her instead of her rejecting me and I’ve lived away from my wife for about a year, but at her request “for the kids” I still live with her on weekends and holidays.

My wife says she wants me back full time, but no sex ever and frankly she isn’t much for verbal affection (she’s an “acts of service” ‘love language’ lady, while I’m tied for “words” and “touch” with “gifts” a distant third, and “acts of service” dead last). She also says that marriage counseling would be a “waste of time and money”.

For a year I’ve lived with another lady as a roommate, and over time we’ve become emotionally close, and I often feel smitten by her (besides her charm and kindness that she’s stricken with cancer pushes my “white Knight” to her “damsel in distress” buttons, besides when I was told that I had an “80% chance of advanced lung cancer” and that I likely had “less than two years” to live a little over two years ago I emphasize with her), and she does give me some of the verbal affection that I crave, and she’s hinted that she’s open to a physical relationship if I “don’t visit the kids” because she “can’t risk kid germs”, but that seems too cruel, especially to the six year old (which is near the age I was when my Mom kicked my Dad out, so I know what’s that’s like from a child’s perspective), plus I can tell from her history that she’s not a one man woman, and I’d be jealous.

Unfortunately I crave a loving, romantic, and sexual monogamous relationship with I woman I may wake up with rather than “flings”/“massages”.

I see no virtuous to end to my misery except death.

[Murk]

I’m a deeply unhappy man, and most advice I’ve heard boils down to:
1. “suck it up buttercup, stay miserable and be a good Dad”

2. “Abandon the kids you’re raising and completely leave your marriage”

3. “something something somehow be able to pay enough rent to have joint custody” (I’ve spoken to lawyers and done the math, after a legal divorce I’d have to sleep at work, in a car, or my Mom’s basement).

4. “Stay with your wife and visit professional ‘escorts’ for easing romantic cravings”

From everything I've been told "being miserable" and "being a good dad" are mutually exclusive.
It's similar to the old "parent divorce is difficult for kids, but unhappy parents are even more difficult".

You're deeply unhappy and have been for a long time, and that doesn't make a good dad.
All the advice that tries to combine your "duty to your children" with "unhappiness" is unworkable advice.

So, generally, what's good for the children is what's good for you. Looking out for your own happiness will make you a better dad.

In the same vein, your wife seems unwilling (or incapable) to even consider your happiness. From everything you've written I can't see she has ever tried to come with a solution that takes your happiness into account. I don't think there has been a constructive proposal to improve your happiness from her side, right?
So again, that leaves it up to you to look out for your own happiness - she clearly won't.

So far you seem to be torn between your duty to fatherhood, marriage and sense of romance on the one hand; and your individual happiness on the other hand.
I don't think anyone can tell you how to become happy, but I wanted to stress that these duties and your happiness are not opposed. Your happiness is part of being a good father and a good romantic partner.
If (big if) you have to sacrifice some fatherly or romantic duties in order to become happy then that is a being a food father or romantic partner.

That doesn't necessarily mean you need to "abandon the kids" and "completely leave your marriage". But it does mean putting yourself first, whatever that might entail for you.

[lio45]

Did I do the wrong thing?

I've been mentoring an intern this summer, Rhonda. Through her, I confirmed what I have suspected for a couple of years - the head of our office creeps out the female staff who are in their 20s. (We have 2 older female staff - one in her 30s and the other in her 40s.) Although I first heard it from Rhonda, I have since heard the same thing from the other women. (Some specifically told me. Others I overheard comments they made.) Rhonda made me promise that I would not escalate the women's concerns without their permission. This wasn't a problem because I do not know specifics, only "we feel this way."

Rhonda told me a few weeks ago that she plans to speak to our office deputy, Leo, on her last day (next week) to tell him what has happened. I assume that means she plans to tell Leo exact details. I know Leo and know he will handle it appropriately - report it to HR if there is anything actually actionable - so didn't say anything and told Rhonda I supported her decision.

Two days ago, I heard Rhonda tell the other female intern that she either planned to or had told the intern coordinator at their school not to send female interns to our office in the future. Again, I think this is a good idea. But this is an escalation and, regardless of what is said, will trigger an investigation from our head office.

This is where I am afraid I overstepped. I went to our office manager, Marylyn (38F), who is also a friend and told her about Rhonda's plans. She agreed that this is a major issue and said we needed to give Leo a heads up. Marylyn told me that she had heard comments from the younger women that had made her wonder about the head of the office, but had chalked them up to his off sense of humor. Unlike me, she had not heard the comments from everyone and did not realize how widespread it was.

Marylyn and I spoke to Leo after hours yesterday. Leo assured me that, if Rhonda does speak to him, he will not tell her that I already did. He also told me that nothing I told him is actionable (which I knew), so there are no steps he can take unless and until Rhonda tells him more. He also told me that he had heard people talking, but without the full context, did not realize what all was going on. And he gave me the impression that our head of office is known to others at his level to be a bit creepy, based on comments Leo has heard at the management conference.

I feel like I did the right thing by telling Marylyn and Leo. But part of me feels like I broke my promise to Rhonda. Leo told me that this is the kind of promise you can't keep, but I still feel bad that I did it.

I’m a bit late with this, but you did nothing wrong - you promised you wouldn’t be the one to escalate it, and you kept that promise till the end (i.e. till the moment Rhonda mentioned she did something that would automatically trigger an escalation).

I’ve been in a relationship with a drug addict for a year and a half now (never loved a gf as much as this one, and I’m slowly getting her off it all) and one thing I have quickly learned is that all my promises - I’m the most thoroughly honest person you’ll ever meet - have to come with asterisks and extra clauses.

(First time I was accused of breaking one, it’s because the small print with the details of what circumstances would obviously release me from it had been too implicit, so I didn’t do that mistake again.).

[lio45]

The has/had distinction is less important than whether you can beat him in a fight.

I think you should go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

OMG, you paraphrased the next comic!

(“You’re a future psychic!”)

Redcloak: “Um, she already has a boyfriend”

HalfTangible: “Why let that stop me? I can kill that bozo easily”

Redcloak: “It’s not what matters in this situation…”

Liquor Box: “It’s the ONLY thing that matters in EVERY situation!”

[Bartmanhomer]

So anyway. It's almost 2 months since I last post here. Remember I mention my YouTube friend Old Dirty Ninja passed away? There have been rumors that he may still be alive. There are also rumors that he might fake his death for the sake of trolling. I can't confirm if it is true or not. But if he died then I respect his wishes but he he's alive I'll be very angry at him about it.

[Willie the Duck]

Again 2D8HP, I am very sorry for your situation, and I am sorry that you don't feel you have gotten helpful advice. If you frame things as a 3-way choice* between staying married, abandoning your kids, and something impossible, I don't feel that there really is any advice anyone could give that would satisfy you.
*#1&4 being the same in your case given your desire for a loving sexual relationship

Basically, I think #3 is the only route that seems possible to end with your satisfaction (you clearly are miserable in your marriage, yet you want to maintain a relationship with your kids). The something something somehow is a tough challenge (and no, I don't know all the specifics, so I don't know how challenging it is, only that it seems the only way forward), but it seems like the thing you have to attempt. I imagine it will come down to a number of compromises -- if you can't afford a legal divorce, instead have a negotiated separation; if you can't afford to do joint custody, have full visitation/every-other-weekend&holidays/similar; if you have to live in your mom's basement for a time, you live in your mom's basement.

Fundamentally, it doesn't sound like your wife wants you back so much as she doesn't want you to leave. She by all accounts hasn't reasonably tried to meet any of your needs even halfway. Regardless of sex, actual interpersonal intimacy is an important need for most people who seek partnering at all, and is not an unreasonable expectation on your part. Beyond that, anyone who calls marriage counseling for their obviously troubled marriage to be 'a waste' is saying that they will not work to save their marriage -- it is literally the first and easiest step.

Given what you have said about your job, your personal needs, and the nice,-but-not-exactly-what-you-really-want-either option of getting with your roommate (you say you're smitten instead of in-love, part of the attraction is based on her illness, she is non-monogamous by nature, being with her is choosing not to be near the kids), honestly it sounds like you need to assess what would make you happy. Like sitting down with a counsellor and drawing out what options are actually possible (including the hard and unlikely ones, just excluding the ones that require magic genie wishes or turning back time) and finding one you want to work towards. I super-don't-really-know-you, but it sounds like the end result would be a same city, different job, staying actively involved in your children's lives, not being with your wife (regardless of the legal framework around that), and out and looking for a woman who is able and willing* to meet the full range of your needs. I don't know how challenging that is, only that I don't see anything else as a real option -- even staying as is does not seem like it is an actually plausible option. By all accounts, at some point living under this level of misery you will just break, and that won't leave anyone (you, your kids, your wife) happy.
*post negotiation and compromise (and of course wooing her to begin with).

Sorry again that things haven't changed for the better since last time you checked in. I truly wish I had a magic solution for all this. Also that my advice won't probably feel just the same as the people who've commented before. If nothing else, there's someone out there rooting for you, and I hope that in some small way helps. Best wishes and best of luck.

I’m a deeply unhappy man, and most advice I’ve heard boils down to:

1. “suck it up buttercup, stay miserable and be a good Dad”

2. “Abandon the kids you’re raising and completely leave your marriage”

3. “something something somehow be able to pay enough rent to have joint custody” (I’ve spoken to lawyers and done the math, after a legal divorce I’d have to sleep at work, in a car, or my Mom’s basement).

4. “Stay with your wife and visit professional ‘escorts’ for easing romantic cravings”

None of these alternatives appeal to me!

I hate my job (as I’ve hated every previous job), but I feel a need to do it to keep two kids health insurance.

I hate my celibacy (which, depending on your definition of “sex” started either over 30 years ago after I fell in love with the woman who I would later marry, or nineteen years ago after me and my wife’s child was stillborn).

My wife has two sons, both conceived via in-vitro using a donor (allegedly because she didn’t want kids that were like my relatives, but in hindsight because she didn’t to have sex with me), those sons call me “Dad” and seem to love me, but (to my shame) that’s not enough for me to be happy, I want physical and verbal affection from a woman I love who I can at least pretend loves me.

Despite her still being painfully beautiful to me because if I’m away I can pretend I’m rejecting her instead of her rejecting me and I’ve lived away from my wife for about a year, but at her request “for the kids” I still live with her on weekends and holidays.

My wife says she wants me back full time, but no sex ever and frankly she isn’t much for verbal affection (she’s an “acts of service” ‘love language’ lady, while I’m tied for “words” and “touch” with “gifts” a distant third, and “acts of service” dead last). She also says that marriage counseling would be a “waste of time and money”.

For a year I’ve lived with another lady as a roommate, and over time we’ve become emotionally close, and I often feel smitten by her (besides her charm and kindness that she’s stricken with cancer pushes my “white Knight” to her “damsel in distress” buttons, besides when I was told that I had an “80% chance of advanced lung cancer” and that I likely had “less than two years” to live a little over two years ago I emphasize with her), and she does give me some of the verbal affection that I crave, and she’s hinted that she’s open to a physical relationship if I “don’t visit the kids” because she “can’t risk kid germs”, but that seems too cruel, especially to the six year old (which is near the age I was when my Mom kicked my Dad out, so I know what’s that’s like from a child’s perspective), plus I can tell from her history that she’s not a one man woman, and I’d be jealous.

Unfortunately I crave a loving, romantic, and sexual monogamous relationship with I woman I may wake up with rather than “flings”/“massages”.

I see no virtuous to end to my misery except death.

[2D8HP]

Thanks @Willie the Duck

[D&D_Fan]

Been nearly two years since I posted here last I think.

I'm just looking for advice here, I recently found out about past childhood trauma, and it was a lot of information to take in, it really messed me up for about a week (briefly s**c*d*l, had a dissociative episode I think) and I still don't know what to do moving forward. I'm all anxious, kind of panicky all the time, harder to focus on anything, I feel mislead, scared, damaged, and I am worried about possibly both mental illness inherited genetically and as a result of these events. I just don't know what to do to move forward about this at all. I can't let this get in the way of my life though, because I can't let anything get messed up. I might have already messed stuff up by telling my family therapist about this.

[Sigako]

Been nearly two years since I posted here last I think.

I'm just looking for advice here, I recently found out about past childhood trauma, and it was a lot of information to take in, it really messed me up for about a week (briefly s**c*d*l, had a dissociative episode I think) and I still don't know what to do moving forward. I'm all anxious, kind of panicky all the time, harder to focus on anything, I feel mislead, scared, damaged, and I am worried about possibly both mental illness inherited genetically and as a result of these events. I just don't know what to do to move forward about this at all. I can't let this get in the way of my life though, because I can't let anything get messed up. I might have already messed stuff up by telling my family therapist about this.

Um, find a therapist with no ties to your family?
If you're messed up enough to be unable to function on day-to-day basis - it sounds you're past just therapy and might need medication.
If you're in a risk group for genetic mental illness - the earlier you get screened, the better, because you might also need meds.

[Comrade]

I've been having a pretty rough time lately for reasons that can be blamed on nobody but me.

Spoiler: stuff

Show

Back in August I moved to the other side of the country to attend a grad program I've been aspiring to for years, very highly regarded in the field, prestigious, all that good stuff. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been struggling and feeling like it was a terrible decision. Exhausted all the time, not as social as I usually am, prone to worrying, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, not doing things I know I need to do because I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been feeling like in virtually every way my life is worse than it was before I started this program that's been such a dream of mine. Used to have a great job that paid decently and gave me the opportunity to effect genuine positive change, don't anymore, plus some shiny new debt. Used to have a network of great friends I knew I could count on (which is really important to me because I derive a lot of my energy and happiness from people) and I've been struggling to build a network like that here. Used to have a comfortable, relatively spacious house (that I rented, not owned, just to be clear), now I sublet. I'm even in worse physical condition; I've lost weight and muscle mass, and I'm not lifting as much as I used to. And most importantly, choosing to come here severely and maybe fatally hurt my relationship with my girlfriend, with whom-- after two years together and talk of getting married-- I'm now long-distance.

At the same time, my girlfriend has basically been telling me that our staying together is predicated on me a. moving to her hometown in her home country, b. into what will be, in the end, her house, not ours, c. transferring midway through the program to a similar program at her alma mater, and d. not pursuing long-term professional goals that I've been working towards for years. All of these, together, have me feeling like our prospective life together would essentially be her life with me in it, and as far as I can tell, none of them can be compromised on, which leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's been brutal, because on one hand, this is someone I love and would like to spend my life with, but on the other hand, it feels like I'm being asked to essentially live her life with her rather than create a shared one.

Both of these in combination-- the struggle to adjust to my new circumstances and the prospect of either giving up a lot of my life or losing a cherished relationship-- have been weighing pretty heavy on me. Maybe one in isolation wouldn't be so bad, but they feed into and exacerbate each other. The fact that a lot of this is really on me is, well, true, but doesn't really help.

tl;dr area man makes bed, doesn't enjoy lying in it

[Thrawn4]

Been nearly two years since I posted here last I think.

I'm just looking for advice here, I recently found out about past childhood trauma, and it was a lot of information to take in, it really messed me up for about a week (briefly s**c*d*l, had a dissociative episode I think) and I still don't know what to do moving forward. I'm all anxious, kind of panicky all the time, harder to focus on anything, I feel mislead, scared, damaged, and I am worried about possibly both mental illness inherited genetically and as a result of these events. I just don't know what to do to move forward about this at all. I can't let this get in the way of my life though, because I can't let anything get messed up. I might have already messed stuff up by telling my family therapist about this.

If your therapist is a professional, they should be able to Deal with it.

Anyway: You were dealt a major blow. Struggling with this is a normal response. Being confused and worried is a normal response. Not giving up and looking for answers is a better-than-normal response.

Let me emphasize: This is a good sign! Some people never manage this. You might Not feel it right now, but your chances are much better than you think.

[Thrawn4]

I've been having a pretty rough time lately for reasons that can be blamed on nobody but me.

Spoiler: stuff

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Back in August I moved to the other side of the country to attend a grad program I've been aspiring to for years, very highly regarded in the field, prestigious, all that good stuff. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been struggling and feeling like it was a terrible decision. Exhausted all the time, not as social as I usually am, prone to worrying, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, not doing things I know I need to do because I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been feeling like in virtually every way my life is worse than it was before I started this program that's been such a dream of mine. Used to have a great job that paid decently and gave me the opportunity to effect genuine positive change, don't anymore, plus some shiny new debt. Used to have a network of great friends I knew I could count on (which is really important to me because I derive a lot of my energy and happiness from people) and I've been struggling to build a network like that here. Used to have a comfortable, relatively spacious house (that I rented, not owned, just to be clear), now I sublet. I'm even in worse physical condition; I've lost weight and muscle mass, and I'm not lifting as much as I used to. And most importantly, choosing to come here severely and maybe fatally hurt my relationship with my girlfriend, with whom-- after two years together and talk of getting married-- I'm now long-distance.

At the same time, my girlfriend has basically been telling me that our staying together is predicated on me a. moving to her hometown in her home country, b. into what will be, in the end, her house, not ours, c. transferring midway through the program to a similar program at her alma mater, and d. not pursuing long-term professional goals that I've been working towards for years. All of these, together, have me feeling like our prospective life together would essentially be her life with me in it, and as far as I can tell, none of them can be compromised on, which leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's been brutal, because on one hand, this is someone I love and would like to spend my life with, but on the other hand, it feels like I'm being asked to essentially live her life with her rather than create a shared one.

Both of these in combination-- the struggle to adjust to my new circumstances and the prospect of either giving up a lot of my life or losing a cherished relationship-- have been weighing pretty heavy on me. Maybe one in isolation wouldn't be so bad, but they feed into and exacerbate each other. The fact that a lot of this is really on me is, well, true, but doesn't really help.

tl;dr area man makes bed, doesn't enjoy lying in it

Well, I don't know you, so I can only judge from my point of view: I think a good relationship is something like a very intimate partnership, based on trust and empathy. Something that makes you stronger together than the mere sum of your parts. ( If you disagree, you can stop reading now, because my Suggestions will not apply. )

Reading your Text, I find no trace of partnership, only demands on behalf of your girlfriend. She puts you between a stone and a hard place, which is not something you should do to your special someone.
You, on the other hand, clearly take her wishes into account. Which tears you up, because it might mean sacrificing your dream.
This disparity proves you are not in the same kind of relationship as she is. And I think most people deserve better.

This can be a devastating realization after two years. I knew people who convinced themselves that this was still normal, but they were all in their first long-term relationship and simply did not now better (myself included). After the break up, we all found better partners.
You will too.


I hope this was not too blunt.

[dehro]

I've been having a pretty rough time lately for reasons that can be blamed on nobody but me.

Spoiler: stuff

Show

Back in August I moved to the other side of the country to attend a grad program I've been aspiring to for years, very highly regarded in the field, prestigious, all that good stuff. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been struggling and feeling like it was a terrible decision. Exhausted all the time, not as social as I usually am, prone to worrying, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, not doing things I know I need to do because I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been feeling like in virtually every way my life is worse than it was before I started this program that's been such a dream of mine. Used to have a great job that paid decently and gave me the opportunity to effect genuine positive change, don't anymore, plus some shiny new debt. Used to have a network of great friends I knew I could count on (which is really important to me because I derive a lot of my energy and happiness from people) and I've been struggling to build a network like that here. Used to have a comfortable, relatively spacious house (that I rented, not owned, just to be clear), now I sublet. I'm even in worse physical condition; I've lost weight and muscle mass, and I'm not lifting as much as I used to. And most importantly, choosing to come here severely and maybe fatally hurt my relationship with my girlfriend, with whom-- after two years together and talk of getting married-- I'm now long-distance.

At the same time, my girlfriend has basically been telling me that our staying together is predicated on me a. moving to her hometown in her home country, b. into what will be, in the end, her house, not ours, c. transferring midway through the program to a similar program at her alma mater, and d. not pursuing long-term professional goals that I've been working towards for years. All of these, together, have me feeling like our prospective life together would essentially be her life with me in it, and as far as I can tell, none of them can be compromised on, which leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's been brutal, because on one hand, this is someone I love and would like to spend my life with, but on the other hand, it feels like I'm being asked to essentially live her life with her rather than create a shared one.

Both of these in combination-- the struggle to adjust to my new circumstances and the prospect of either giving up a lot of my life or losing a cherished relationship-- have been weighing pretty heavy on me. Maybe one in isolation wouldn't be so bad, but they feed into and exacerbate each other. The fact that a lot of this is really on me is, well, true, but doesn't really help.

tl;dr area man makes bed, doesn't enjoy lying in it

Long time no read
..
Your SO is raising all of the red flags.

[Rydiro]

Thanks @Willie the Duck

I'd start with the easier of the hard questions. Why do you hate every job?
Then go to:
Why do you stay in situations you don't like for so long?
Then:
Why have you accepted basically outrageous conditions set by your wife?

To the complex question woth marriage and kids and all: I disagree with the previous poster. I think a miserable dad is better than none. Just be generally honest with your kids about your feelings.

[theangelJean]

I've been having a pretty rough time lately for reasons that can be blamed on nobody but me.

Spoiler: stuff

Show

Back in August I moved to the other side of the country to attend a grad program I've been aspiring to for years, very highly regarded in the field, prestigious, all that good stuff. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been struggling and feeling like it was a terrible decision. Exhausted all the time, not as social as I usually am, prone to worrying, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, not doing things I know I need to do because I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been feeling like in virtually every way my life is worse than it was before I started this program that's been such a dream of mine. Used to have a great job that paid decently and gave me the opportunity to effect genuine positive change, don't anymore, plus some shiny new debt. Used to have a network of great friends I knew I could count on (which is really important to me because I derive a lot of my energy and happiness from people) and I've been struggling to build a network like that here. Used to have a comfortable, relatively spacious house (that I rented, not owned, just to be clear), now I sublet. I'm even in worse physical condition; I've lost weight and muscle mass, and I'm not lifting as much as I used to. And most importantly, choosing to come here severely and maybe fatally hurt my relationship with my girlfriend, with whom-- after two years together and talk of getting married-- I'm now long-distance.

At the same time, my girlfriend has basically been telling me that our staying together is predicated on me a. moving to her hometown in her home country, b. into what will be, in the end, her house, not ours, c. transferring midway through the program to a similar program at her alma mater, and d. not pursuing long-term professional goals that I've been working towards for years. All of these, together, have me feeling like our prospective life together would essentially be her life with me in it, and as far as I can tell, none of them can be compromised on, which leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's been brutal, because on one hand, this is someone I love and would like to spend my life with, but on the other hand, it feels like I'm being asked to essentially live her life with her rather than create a shared one.

Both of these in combination-- the struggle to adjust to my new circumstances and the prospect of either giving up a lot of my life or losing a cherished relationship-- have been weighing pretty heavy on me. Maybe one in isolation wouldn't be so bad, but they feed into and exacerbate each other. The fact that a lot of this is really on me is, well, true, but doesn't really help.

tl;dr area man makes bed, doesn't enjoy lying in it

Okay, let's see if I'm hearing you right:
1) you are worried you made a poor decision in moving to enter this program, because
2) you feel like your decision has caused the problems you are now having with your life and relationship.

I'm getting 2) from the self-recrimination in your post. You're blaming yourself for all your problems. Can I remind you that all you did was make a decision and follow through on it.

Yes, it changed your life a lot. That's brave, and sometimes you won't find it as satisfying as you thought you would. I can certainly relate to finally starting a long-aspired-for course and finding that it didn't magically make everything in my life better, in fact it made a lot of things worse in other areas.

Did that make it the wrong decision? For me, it wasn't, but I have fifteen years of hindsight on that now. For you, it seems you want to pass judgement on yourself right now. How about holding off on that for a bit. You couldn't predict the future, you couldn't see how everything would turn out - and you still can't. That uncertainty can be hard to live with, which is why we resort to should-haves and self-doubt. But your life isn't irretrievably broken; it's just crummy at the moment. Can you reach out to your friends back where you used to live, just for some continuing connection while you get established where you are?

When it comes to relationships, unless you're abusive, it can never be all your fault. Feeling like a breakup is looming is depressing, no matter what the cause, and other posters are responding to your self-blame by placing the blame on your girlfriend instead. That's not what I'm getting from your post, though.

Your girlfriend wants someone to live a certain kind of life with her. She wants that person to be you, the one she's been in a relationship with for two years. I can see that you are an empathetic person who is capable of listening, and you know that she's entitled to want what she wants. IMHO she's also entitled to make that a deal-breaker if she really wants to, but that's up to her. But it's still tough being confronted with the fact that you want different things from life. She may change her mind, but you can't make her - just as she can't make you want the same things that she does. I'll just remind you again that this isn't a consequence of anything you've done - it just is how it is right now. Good luck on working out where you go next, but I'm sure the choice you make in the end will be made with consideration and care.

[2D8HP]

I'd start with the easier of the hard questions. Why do you hate every job?

The physical pain, constant fear of being fired for incompetence, getting yelled out, exhaustion, and/or boredom.

Then go to:
Why do you stay in situations you don't like for so long?
Then:
Why have you accepted basically outrageous conditions set by your wife?

Seemed cruel to leave after the stillbirth, then cruel to leave after she was a mother, and especially cruel to leave the kids.

To the complex question woth marriage and kids and all: I disagree with the previous poster. I think a miserable dad is better than none. Just be generally honest with your kids about your feelings.

I don’t think the six year old is ready for that, and telling the 17 year old that part of my unhappiness is that he’s not genetically my son seems especially cruel.

That said, the answer to the general question “Would you want your kids to be in the type of marriage you’re in?” is an emphatic “NO!”, but there’s little in my life I’d want them to experience except that it would be nice if they could live in the same kind of house and neighborhood (most folks who grow up here are priced out when they reach adulthood), but I’ve little idea how to guide them to a type of life I would’ve wanted.

[S@tanicoaldo]

Hey you all.

I used to post very often in these forums a while back...

Like I used to wake up and first think i would do was look up at the comic and on here, specially friendly banter and woes and advice.

A lot has changed in my life since I stopped posting here, some of the worst moments of my life and some good moments here and there too...

This year I'm starting to focus on myself and among my person projects is to work on RPG game design, so I may post here often again. It's good to see some people usernames from back when I posted are still active. The internet is a scary place.

hello you all again \o

On my woes... I think that I have always been very prejudiced against people who wanted to create their own game systems... it's such a hard and complex work... That when I saw someone idealistic fool trying to do it it felt like they were trying to re-invent the wheel and I rolled my eyes... Now I fear people will do the same to me LOL

Tasting my own poison has been hard, it's killing my motivation and I know it's mostly in my head. HAhahahha.

[Comrade]

Your girlfriend wants someone to live a certain kind of life with her. She wants that person to be you, the one she's been in a relationship with for two years. I can see that you are an empathetic person who is capable of listening, and you know that she's entitled to want what she wants. IMHO she's also entitled to make that a deal-breaker if she really wants to, but that's up to her. But it's still tough being confronted with the fact that you want different things from life. She may change her mind, but you can't make her - just as she can't make you want the same things that she does. I'll just remind you again that this isn't a consequence of anything you've done - it just is how it is right now. Good luck on working out where you go next, but I'm sure the choice you make in the end will be made with consideration and care.

That's basically the gist of it. Read over my post again and it reads more than I intended it to like I'm pinning the blame on her for my current quandaries or like I'm frustrated that she's setting certain expectations for what she wants, which is 100% not how I feel about it. Of course she's gotta do what she's gotta do to build a fulfilling, satisfying life, and she has a vision of what kind of relationship would fit that life.

I think where the frustration on my end comes in is it feels like the life she has envisioned would have to change very little to accommodate me, whereas the life I've envisioned, and had envisioned for much of the time that we've been together, would have to almost entirely change. I think it's important to acknowledge that this is just how it appears from my perspective (which is why I say it feels that way, not that it is that way) and that I'm not frustrated with her about any of this, just frustrated at the situation. We've got a good thing going (to borrow from Garth Brooks' playbook), a special thing, and I really don't want to lose it, but our long-term relationship is predicated on me leaving my home country, transferring out of a program I've been aspiring to for years, and giving up on long-held life goals, and I'm afraid I might not be able to do all of those things without feeling like I'm not even me anymore. Maybe some of them, but not all of them.

[theangelJean]

Glad that I seem to have understood where you're coming from, and I also hope some of the feelings of blame and guilt are receding. They're tough to deal with, especially if you're someone who takes responsibility for things and/or wants to make people happy. It sounds like you've taken responsibility for your life so far, and one decision has changed a lot of things. If you want any further ideas on how to improve your situation where you are, you're welcome to ask and I'm sure the board will have many, but I will just say: one thing at a time, and you'll get there.

our long-term relationship is predicated on me leaving my home country, transferring out of a program I've been aspiring to for years, and giving up on long-held life goals, and I'm afraid I might not be able to do all of those things without feeling like I'm not even me anymore. Maybe some of them, but not all of them.

Something that struck me on re-read: at least of the major differences between her future plans and yours might be a matter of timing. That is, she has a very specific idea of when she wants to move back to her home country, and when she wants you to move there with her. That sounds like one of the major factors that shape the plan as she sees it. Is there any wiggle room on the timeline that would allow more progression in your study and career? And if there was, would her ideas be in any way more compatible with yours? There may be specific reasons for her timetable - I'm not going to speculate on hers, but my own experience was waiting until I finished medical school before getting married. Of course, if you can't see yourself moving to her home country no matter the timing, it may be worth focussing on what it is you would like instead. What could her options be if you didn't move?

[Bartmanhomer]

Hey everyone. So anyway I have a friend on Discord who suffer so many health problems in addition to depression. I feel like his depression is getting worse and he wants to end his life. He lives in Canada and I did give him a suicide hotline to call. I'm very good friends with him and I'm just very worried about him. I'd always give him my full support with my friend. I just hope he'll be ok. Anyway, wonderful advice and support are very needed in this case.

[Emmerlaus]

Hey everyone. So anyway I have a friend on Discord who suffer so many health problems in addition to depression. I feel like his depression is getting worse and he wants to end his life. He lives in Canada and I did give him a suicide hotline to call. I'm very good friends with him and I'm just very worried about him. I'd always give him my full support with my friend. I just hope he'll be ok. Anyway, wonderful advice and support are very needed in this case.

Spoiler

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It might not be the best support link but it comes from a professionnal therapist online? I found the video very insightful for what it was. Hope that it helps you give advices to your friend:

[Bartmanhomer]

Spoiler

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It might not be the best support link but it comes from a professionnal therapist online? I found the video very insightful for what it was. Hope that it helps you give advices to your friend:

Thank you. I sent the video to Discord for him.

[H_H_F_F]

I’m a deeply unhappy man, and most advice I’ve heard boils down to:

1. “suck it up buttercup, stay miserable and be a good Dad”

2. “Abandon the kids you’re raising and completely leave your marriage”

3. “something something somehow be able to pay enough rent to have joint custody” (I’ve spoken to lawyers and done the math, after a legal divorce I’d have to sleep at work, in a car, or my Mom’s basement).

4. “Stay with your wife and visit professional ‘escorts’ for easing romantic cravings”

None of these alternatives appeal to me!

I hate my job (as I’ve hated every previous job), but I feel a need to do it to keep two kids health insurance.

I hate my celibacy (which, depending on your definition of “sex” started either over 30 years ago after I fell in love with the woman who I would later marry, or nineteen years ago after me and my wife’s child was stillborn).

My wife has two sons, both conceived via in-vitro using a donor (allegedly because she didn’t want kids that were like my relatives, but in hindsight because she didn’t to have sex with me), those sons call me “Dad” and seem to love me, but (to my shame) that’s not enough for me to be happy, I want physical and verbal affection from a woman I love who I can at least pretend loves me.

Despite her still being painfully beautiful to me because if I’m away I can pretend I’m rejecting her instead of her rejecting me and I’ve lived away from my wife for about a year, but at her request “for the kids” I still live with her on weekends and holidays.

My wife says she wants me back full time, but no sex ever and frankly she isn’t much for verbal affection (she’s an “acts of service” ‘love language’ lady, while I’m tied for “words” and “touch” with “gifts” a distant third, and “acts of service” dead last). She also says that marriage counseling would be a “waste of time and money”.

For a year I’ve lived with another lady as a roommate, and over time we’ve become emotionally close, and I often feel smitten by her (besides her charm and kindness that she’s stricken with cancer pushes my “white Knight” to her “damsel in distress” buttons, besides when I was told that I had an “80% chance of advanced lung cancer” and that I likely had “less than two years” to live a little over two years ago I emphasize with her), and she does give me some of the verbal affection that I crave, and she’s hinted that she’s open to a physical relationship if I “don’t visit the kids” because she “can’t risk kid germs”, but that seems too cruel, especially to the six year old (which is near the age I was when my Mom kicked my Dad out, so I know what’s that’s like from a child’s perspective), plus I can tell from her history that she’s not a one man woman, and I’d be jealous.

Unfortunately I crave a loving, romantic, and sexual monogamous relationship with I woman I may wake up with rather than “flings”/“massages”.

I see no virtuous to end to my misery except death.

Oh man, that's tough. My sympathies.

First of, just to offer a different prespective to everyone telling you to just leave: having your parents divorce SUCKS. We both know it does. Sometimes it's the only choice, but fighting for your marriage is a worthy goal.

If you can afford it, I'd certainly consider professional help as a first step. Going to therapy, figuring out what you want and why you seem unable to get it. Some of your suffering may be because of problems with your way of thinking, not just your circumstances.

Then, when you can do it calmly and decisively, an ultimatum: "I love you, but I hate our relationship. I feel unloved, I'm lacking in empathy, and I can't take it anymore. Something needs to change, something needs to heal - so either we start fighting for this relationship together, or it's over, because I can't do it alone."

That can look like a lot of things. It can look like "I get that you see it as a waste, but we need counseling, and if money is really the issue than I'm willing to give up XYZ to cover it."

It can look like a date night once a week to talk things out, when you both write down your feelings beforehand, read them out to each other, and then discuss.

It can look like addressing her issues (whether they be physical or emotional) with sex, and exploring ways to get physical intimacy which she can enjoy, step by step. Can we try to hold hands and look in each others eyes? Can we try hugging for a full minute? Establish trust - this isn't about you trying to get sex from her, just about trying to be closer and heal.

It can look like anything she suggests would help.

Ideally, all of these + individual therapy for both of you - but anything will do, as long as she's willing to engage with the fact that you're both clearly unhappy, and willing to try and change that. If she cannot accept that you need healing, then there's nothing to fight for. Break up, hang put with your kids several times a week, and figure out your way to a more stable housing situation.

Biological children are, I think, something to discuss another day. You could do it by surrogate, if that proves necessary - but I think fixing your life comes first.

Good luck, friend.