Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Anymage]

I do not know where you come from of course, but i do guess from the North American Continent. Therefore, any contact you could find from the above link would be far away, so hopefully non-threatening, and still be competent - and also, because of your distance to them, more likely to seriously look for examples from their experience for you.

On the one hand, her issue was theraputic malpractice. I see nothing on your link that acknowledges anything of the sort.

On the other hand, some form of net based therapy might actually come in handy here. It has fewer of the typical therapy trappings, and there's a lot less immediate, face-to-face pressure.

(Incidentally, googling "therapy malpractice" does get some hits at least acknowledging that it's a thing. The bulk of the first page is lawyers, so I don't know how productive an avenue that would be.)

[Chen]

Honestly I even wish I could find information on trauma caused by treatment. You basically can't search for it because the results get flooded by stuff talking about trauma treatment in general.

I'd feel a lot better if there weren't such stigma to not benefitting from therapy.

There are a number of academic articles from Google scholar (https://scholar.google.ca/scholar?hl...otherapy&btnG=). Most require a journal subscription but if you have access to a university library you may be able to find some there.

[Jon_Dahl]

More things to worry about... I've just heard that I've been hired to teach English as a 1st language to children and adolescents, but the thing is that English isn't my first language. I feel uncomfortable with this.

Let me ask you question: So your first language is English. You live in another country and your children receive tuition in English from a teacher whose first language is not English. How would you feel about this? I want to understand beforehand how much of a problem this situation will be for the parents, so your answers might give me some insight.

[FinnLassie]

More things to worry about... I've just heard that I've been hired to teach English as a 1st language to children and adolescents, but the thing is that English isn't my first language. I feel uncomfortable with this.

Let me ask you question: So your first language is English. You live in another country and your children receive tuition in English from a teacher whose first language is not English. How would you feel about this? I want to understand beforehand how much of a problem this situation will be for the parents, so your answers might give me some insight.

Answering as another Finn, but:

You'll be teaching them technicalities and grammar first and foremost, turst me, native speakers can be utterly hopeless with those things when it comes to any language. In fact, you could actually make it part of a lesson plan, discussing the fact that you indeed do not speak English as a first language, yet there you are. That's what I did when I did BEd Primary Teaching in Scotland, sadly it seems like I've deleted my related lesson plans after quitting... I would've shared them otherwise, dang it (it's 5 years since I last opened them anyways ).

The school trusts you enough, they hired you. Go get it.

[Honest Tiefling]

Let me ask you question: So your first language is English. You live in another country and your children receive tuition in English from a teacher whose first language is not English. How would you feel about this? I want to understand beforehand how much of a problem this situation will be for the parents, so your answers might give me some insight.

Would it help to focus on the strengths of having another person whose first language is NOT English. I'm not sure if England or other English speaking countries are very good at this, but in America there's an odd situation where ESL (English as a Second Language) students get more instruction on English grammar and technical bits than the people who speak it as a first language. For instance, I was never taught what the names of verb tenses were, except in Spanish class. You probably know about English grammar than I do!

And honestly, in our interactions together your English could pass as a native speaker. Even if the kiddos are 14ish and needing to write essays in English, your English is fine.

[WarKitty]

And when you think about it, that's bizarre. There are aspects of medicine that are much more concrete than human experiences that do not have "The One" treatment to fix things. And (in my estimation), it makes sense that it can arise, simply from the fact that repeated stress (intentional or not) makes things harder to pull things back together.

Any yet I've found it incredibly common, even among therapists. If it doesn't go their way, it's because you're not trying or you're not being cooperative enough or something. And heaven help you if you ever mention more than having 2 or 3 therapists in any form of mental health support group, or say that you experienced negative effects from therapy. You'll immediately be piled on with people telling you that therapy is hard and you have to work at it and you must not really want to get better.

The absolute best reaction I've seen, out of 8 different therapists, was acknowledging that what that one guy did was very wrong but then being confused by why I would be anxious and guarded in the session. Immediately challenging me to demonstrate that his behavior was actually problematic isn't uncommon. I'd say the most common is just sort of treating it as some bad experience off to the side with a therapist I didn't click with but that isn't really relevant to anything.

I do need help, but what I've gotten from the mental health system over the years isn't help. And I don't know where to turn.

[Honest Tiefling]

Uh...Maybe religious counselling WOULD be better at this rate. If there are none of your particular religion in your area, maybe someone is willing to speak over the net? I mean, you can have religious groups scattered across the globe, I would think someone has figured out how to use the internet.

I think a lot of therapists are going to treat therapy as the go-to because its what they trained in. Either they are well-meaning and just want to find that magical method to get you to realize it WILL work because they just want to help you so badly and just keep beating that dead horse. Others are likely offended that their training and knowledge isn't working, and think that the problem is you. It's the culture they have been steeped in for so long, so it might be hard to them to break out of that mentality, if they even want to.

Perhaps a non-professional would be better? Distant relative, friend, or hell, just find a mentor in school?

And back to Jon_Dahl, I think I had an English teacher in America teaching kids who primary (and only) language was English despite it being his second language, I think. So no, not really a concern.

[WarKitty]

My religion tends to take (sensibly, in most cases) the view that it's inappropriate for pastoral counseling to be used in mental health cases, and that such cases should be referred to a professional therapist. Possibly one who is a member of the faith, but nevertheless someone whose primary training is in mental health.

Part of the problem as well - from the reading I've done, I have more of the ruminating side of things. The trouble with that side is that just "talking it over" without concrete solutions for handling fear and moving forward actually tends to make things worse. Venting is counterproductive because it just increases the intensity of emotional reactions without a real way to handle them.

I have definitely gotten the sense with a few that there was a sort of personal defensiveness going on? Like therapists who would go slowly on a report of abuse from a parent or an ex, would jump right in to push hard on a report of abuse by a prior therapist. Or they'd act like my being nervous and cautious around them was a personal affront - it sort of felt like if I told a friend about being harassed by a man and their first response was "not all men are like that." It's true, but extremely unhelpful at that point.

I'd actually be more comfortable with a therapist if they didn't put on such an explicitly unbiased front. Statements like "you'll never make me upset" aren't reassuring, because I know they're not true. They just make me think that the therapist isn't able to recognize and handle their own feelings, and that it's more likely to be pushed on me.

[Honest Tiefling]

My religion tends to take (sensibly, in most cases) the view that it's inappropriate for pastoral counseling to be used in mental health cases, and that such cases should be referred to a professional therapist. Possibly one who is a member of the faith, but nevertheless someone whose primary training is in mental health.

Huh. That seems pretty sensible in many cases. Well, I don't want to judge your religion, but do they have access to recommendations for mental health experts that don't suck? Advice on how to get help?

Therapists are often trained to unpack emotions and to help people work on emotions, which might be unhelpful to you. Maybe try to find not someone who is a therapist, but more like a life coach or someone who helps train life skills (like navigating difficult social situations) might be a good place to start? I mean, the therapists dropped the ball, might as well go elsewhere.

Heck, at this point, I wonder if reading some books might not be a bad idea, if you can find a place to get some recommendations on your particular situation.

[lex109]

Flowers, chocolate, and a note that says that you were thinking of her. Bonus points for having it delivered at her place of work.

Bonus points would depend entirely on the person. I wouldn't mind flowers, etc. at home but I would be absolutely mortified if my SO sent anything of the sort to my place of work. There are also people that would find it incredibly romantic and charming, so it goes down to knowing the person you're buying for.

[lex109]

I have definitely gotten the sense with a few that there was a sort of personal defensiveness going on? Like therapists who would go slowly on a report of abuse from a parent or an ex, would jump right in to push hard on a report of abuse by a prior therapist. Or they'd act like my being nervous and cautious around them was a personal affront - it sort of felt like if I told a friend about being harassed by a man and their first response was "not all men are like that." It's true, but extremely unhelpful at that point.

I'd actually be more comfortable with a therapist if they didn't put on such an explicitly unbiased front. Statements like "you'll never make me upset" aren't reassuring, because I know they're not true. They just make me think that the therapist isn't able to recognize and handle their own feelings, and that it's more likely to be pushed on me.

One of the tricks to mental health treatment / therapy (and this comes from someone that went through six different therapists before finding a good fit) is finding the right person. Just like a PCP or a spouse or a best friend, not everyone fits with everyone else. Some are great, some are okay, and some are absolute ****. But even the great ones sometimes have such specific styles that they may not be a universally great fit. Try scheduling "interview" appointments where you sit down with the therapist and try to get a sense of whether they are going to be a good fit. Do this with as many therapists as you can based on the resources that you have available to you. This isn't a time to start actually delving into any of your issues, but it is a change for you to ask the therapist what their specialty is, how they approach things in therapy, and generally get a feel for them. If they balk at you wanting to know more information about how they work, at you being nervous or uncomfortable, or if they try to pressure you into anything they are not a good therapist for you!!!

Also, while therapists are humans and they do have feelings it's actually part of their job to set their feelings aside in order to assist you in sorting out yours. The whole "you can't make me upset" (from a good therapist) is more about trying to give you the freedom of expression that is integral to the therapeutic process than it is about their feelings at all.

[WarKitty]

See the thing for me is...bad therapy is horribly debilitating. Like "take someone from mostly functional to can't get out of bed" type level. I am literally having flashbacks a decade later to therapy. It felt worse than the abusive boyfriend I had. The nightmares I wake up to were created in therapy.

And every single one I've had issues with will say the right things up front. It's that once you're in you see that it's often not as true - like the therapist may insist that they're keeping their feelings out, but then make a face at a certain disclosure. Or suddenly become very aggressive with their line of questioning. But it just gets pushed onto you instead.

[darkrose50]

Bonus points would depend entirely on the person. I wouldn't mind flowers, etc. at home but I would be absolutely mortified if my SO sent anything of the sort to my place of work. There are also people that would find it incredibly romantic and charming, so it goes down to knowing the person you're buying for.

In general part of the practice is to make the male look more appealing in front of those who could sway the girl's opinion of the guy (and a large component on why they can charge so much for delivering flowers). If enough of the girls co-workers say things like "<I wish my guy would send me flowers>" . . . the more bonus points generally are gained. It would seem that flower industry earns quite a bit from this set-up.

Those are traditional options. Essentially part of our public and privet mating rituals involve the male proving to the female that he is thinking of her, and that she is worth sacrificing resources (time and money) on. This is one reason why pretty rocks can be so expensive (they are not commodities, and one almost always cannot sell them for what they bought them for . . . it is a sacrifice of wealth). We are not really that different than the penguin guys bringing the penguin gals a rock (sacrificing time that could be spent getting fish, and perhaps get eaten by something while picking out a rock).

Sure the gal getting the guy equivalent might be something to do with sports or alcohol/beer. I would not much like sports stuff, but if my wife early on when dating bought me something sports related, then I would think it funny. A beer of the month might as well be funny . . . until she learned that I do not drink alcohol/beer.

But chocolate . . . not many people would be angry at chocolate. It may take a few times to get the right brand and mixture, but an assortment of all the differing types from a quality brand would be the way to go, if you did not know if she liked dark, milk, white, or whatnot.

American milk chocolate, I think, is usually not to my preferences, as it does not contain enough coco. I may be a little miffed if someone kept buying me Hershey's chocolate . . . after I told them that it does not contain the level of coco that I prefer . . . you may as well be buying me sugar flavored wax.

See the thing for me is...bad therapy is horribly debilitating. Like "take someone from mostly functional to can't get out of bed" type level. I am literally having flashbacks a decade later to therapy. It felt worse than the abusive boyfriend I had. The nightmares I wake up to were created in therapy.

And every single one I've had issues with will say the right things up front. It's that once you're in you see that it's often not as true - like the therapist may insist that they're keeping their feelings out, but then make a face at a certain disclosure. Or suddenly become very aggressive with their line of questioning. But it just gets pushed onto you instead.

I have learned the hard way that not all experts are qualified enough, and not all experts fit my communication needs. I have had HORRABLE doctors, and I have had HORRABLE dentists.

Some are simply horrible, and some are just not a good fit. It is like a relationship. Some folks out there are wonderful, but are just not for you.

One indicator (some correlation and some causation) of a good doctor or dentist is that they do not take HMOs/EPOs. Essentially PPOs pay more, and when a good doctor or dentist gets too many patents from being a rock star, then they cut the least profitable patients (because money). So if you have an HMOs/EPOs you might be sent to a doctor needing patients, and the reason why they might need patients is because they may be horrible. I have found really good doctors on my HMO medical plan, and a really good dentist on my non-PPO dental plan.

I was able to find a good doctor and a good dentist. I now understand why some people do not want to give up there doctor or dentist.

[Honest Tiefling]

In general part of the practice is to make the male look more appealing in front of those who could sway the girl's opinion of the guy (and a large component on why they can charge so much for delivering flowers). If enough of the girls co-workers say things like "<I wish my guy would send me flowers>" . . . the more bonus points generally are gained. It would seem that flower industry earns quite a bit from this set-up.

I don't even WANT my husband to buy me flowers. He doesn't know which are which and I think he might be slightly colorblind. He's the love of my life but I think he might be a bit useless around plants.

Also, if you get chocolates in an office setting, someone is likely to either steal or beg for them, despite the occasion. And you have to wrestle the plants home, which could be difficult.

Sure the gal getting the guy equivalent might be something to do with sports or alcohol/beer. I would not much like sports stuff, but if my wife early on when dating bought me something sports related, then I would think it funny. A beer of the month might as well be funny . . . until she learned that I do not drink alcohol/beer.

Uhhhh...Is asking out of the question? I think at the point you are getting gifts, you should be able to know a few interests? Maybe just ask?

But chocolate . . . not many people would be angry at chocolate.

But again, in an office it could be easily stolen or people 'helped themselves' without thinking. Or demanded you share. Or get upset that YOU got flowers and they didn't. Or just start asking a lot of questions. Because not everyone likes super public displays of affection. It's so common I wouldn't advise it unless you knew the other person liked it, else you're going to make them angrier.

[Jon_Dahl]

Thank you for the support, friends. Unless I find another job, I will start to teach my pupils in August. I will keep you updated, although perhaps not in this thread. I will post the news on the appropriate thread.

[Algeh]

I don't even WANT my husband to buy me flowers. He doesn't know which are which and I think he might be slightly colorblind. He's the love of my life but I think he might be a bit useless around plants.

I once had a then-SO buy me a jade plant because he knew I was allergic to some kinds of flowers, but also had absolutely no idea which ones so settled on "definitely not a flower, but still a plant." (This is not why we broke up.)

ION, my mom had to have her dog put down today. She was an old dog, and it was probably time, but I am still a mess. Tonight is for drinking, tomorrow is for a wider variety of non-booze-based coping skills. I am going to miss that dog (she was a very good dog).

[Honest Tiefling]

I once had a then-SO buy me a jade plant because he knew I was allergic to some kinds of flowers, but also had absolutely no idea which ones so settled on "definitely not a flower, but still a plant." (This is not why we broke up.)

Guessing he didn't know that those CAN flower in the right conditions?

ION, my mom had to have her dog put down today. She was an old dog, and it was probably time, but I am still a mess. Tonight is for drinking, tomorrow is for a wider variety of non-booze-based coping skills. I am going to miss that dog (she was a very good dog).

I'm very sorry to hear this. It's never easy, so take the time you need, but always remember: The dog loved your family, and had a happy time with you. You did your best.

[Lissou]

I once had a then-SO buy me a jade plant because he knew I was allergic to some kinds of flowers, but also had absolutely no idea which ones so settled on "definitely not a flower, but still a plant." (This is not why we broke up.)

ION, my mom had to have her dog put down today. She was an old dog, and it was probably time, but I am still a mess. Tonight is for drinking, tomorrow is for a wider variety of non-booze-based coping skills. I am going to miss that dog (she was a very good dog).

Oh no. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always so sad to say goodbye to our four-legged family members, even when we know it's inevitable. Big hugs if you would like them.

[darkrose50]

More things to worry about... I've just heard that I've been hired to teach English as a 1st language to children and adolescents, but the thing is that English isn't my first language. I feel uncomfortable with this.

Let me ask you question: So your first language is English. You live in another country and your children receive tuition in English from a teacher whose first language is not English. How would you feel about this? I want to understand beforehand how much of a problem this situation will be for the parents, so your answers might give me some insight.

Sometimes it is better to learn from someone who struggled to learn something. People that do not struggle with a topic sometimes do not have the experience to explain the topic. One cannot just "do the thing", one must see the potential points of difficulty, separate the concept into component parts, put the needed steps to learn those parts to words, and know how to address the steps in an learning environment.

Show me two teachers. One that from the first moment the concept was presented she saw it as one idea, and effortlessly conceptualized the whole. Then show me a teacher that needed to study the concept and build the hole out of many parts. The one that sees a concept as a whole can be a disadvantage teaching the concept to beginners. To learn a new concept I would pick the teacher that had to learn the bits-and-pieces slowly to put it all together. Perhaps the other teacher would be likely a better fit for advanced students.

This reminds me of the YouTube videos where the narrator goes into excruciating detail over what something is, and what something is not. For example, it drove me crazy to hear a 3-5 minute explanation of what an orphan is, and what an orphan is not. For a non-native, younger, or mentally-disadvantaged English language speaker it could be just what they need to get the concept. Generally I go nuts and just want to hear the story about the topic, without excoriatingly detailed conceptual building blocks of words people likely know when they are in the 3rd grade.

I was watching a religious video teaching the supernatural history of popular story trope. All of the verbal rituals breaking up the explanation of the story slowed down the telling of the story considerably. I am sure for a native of the religion it would not have been so very distracting to be interrupted so often. If teaching a non-native of the religion, then I would perhaps lighten up on all of the verbal rituals, for example. Something invisible, becomes visible, and perhaps distracting to a non-native.

-----

I don't even WANT my husband to buy me flowers. He doesn't know which are which and I think he might be slightly colorblind. He's the love of my life but I think he might be a bit useless around plants.

Usually flowers and such are part of the courtship ritual to attract a mate. He has already swayed your opinion of him for you to date him. Your co-workers liking the fact that he sent you flowers would have less impact on your opinion of him. The goal is for the guy to use peer-pressure to manipulate the opinion that the girl has of him so that they could obtain a first or subsequent date early in the relationship. I know . . . what a romantic I am.

Also, if you get chocolates in an office setting, someone is likely to either steal or beg for them, despite the occasion. And you have to wrestle the plants home, which could be difficult.

Some people find sharing to be more enjoyable for some reason. It would also up the peer-pressure and talking about the guy. "Wow these are good, who sent them to you?" might be exactly the response that would be needed to secure a better opinion, possibly one to get the guy that first or subsequent date. It is all seemingly about manipulation. It kind of seems creepy, but that is the ritual that we have.

Uhhhh...Is asking out of the question? I think at the point you are getting gifts, you should be able to know a few interests? Maybe just ask?

Early on people don't.

But again, in an office it could be easily stolen or people 'helped themselves' without thinking. Or demanded you share. Or get upset that YOU got flowers and they didn't. Or just start asking a lot of questions. Because not everyone likes super public displays of affection. It's so common I wouldn't advise it unless you knew the other person liked it, else you're going to make them angrier.

That seems to be the point. Public (and privet) displays of wealth sacrifice to encourage the girl to agree to date the guy. I already said it, it seems kind of creepy to me when I break it down, but that is the ritual that we have. It is like a PR campaign. It must work.

[HalfTangible]

ION, my mom had to have her dog put down today. She was an old dog, and it was probably time, but I am still a mess. Tonight is for drinking, tomorrow is for a wider variety of non-booze-based coping skills. I am going to miss that dog (she was a very good dog).

Sorry for your loss. I still miss all three of our fam's dogs. My mom's especially; we had to put him down while he was still young. (lymphoma) The other two, at least, we knew were coming.

[FinnLassie]

I hate that I'm being pushed to attend trauma therapy, but the whole process towards that will be a damn hustle on its own. Closest trauma therapists are like 40km away, they cost a lot even with the social security system covering most of it, transport there and pack will add up... on top of that, the therapists might not have any open slots for new clients for months. Then, you need to go for an assessment appointment or two, and those assessments to see if you're fit to become their client, you have to pay the full amount. Social security pays zilch. Oh, and it might take even 3 months to get an assessment. Then another month, two or three to start the actual therapy.

I'm not ready for this hustle.

And I most definitely do not want my dad's wife to be my therapist, no matter how much my dad thinks it's a good idea. (I've talked through this thing with both of them, the wife is more like, eh if you want to I don't mind, but ofc it'll be awkward, and dad is like HEY BONDING EXPERIENCE dad please you don't understand)

[Mith]

I hate that I'm being pushed to attend trauma therapy, but the whole process towards that will be a damn hustle on its own. Closest trauma therapists are like 40km away, they cost a lot even with the social security system covering most of it, transport there and pack will add up... on top of that, the therapists might not have any open slots for new clients for months. Then, you need to go for an assessment appointment or two, and those assessments to see if you're fit to become their client, you have to pay the full amount. Social security pays zilch. Oh, and it might take even 3 months to get an assessment. Then another month, two or three to start the actual therapy.

I'm not ready for this hustle.

And I most definitely do not want my dad's wife to be my therapist, no matter how much my dad thinks it's a good idea. (I've talked through this thing with both of them, the wife is more like, eh if you want to I don't mind, but ofc it'll be awkward, and dad is like HEY BONDING EXPERIENCE dad please you don't understand)

Am I crazy, or isn't there a whole point of ethics with Therapy being explicitly _not_ a bonding experience?

And while I have been blessed to not have the issue in my life, through other people I know, I sympathise with the hustle that is the medical process.

[Honest Tiefling]

That seems to be the point. Public (and privet) displays of wealth sacrifice to encourage the girl to agree to date the guy. I already said it, it seems kind of creepy to me when I break it down, but that is the ritual that we have. It is like a PR campaign. It must work.

Expecting someone to share precious chocolate with pushy coworkers isn't going to convince many women to date nowadays, I think. I believe it would only lead to fighting, frustration and possibly even some biting.

Through if I ever needed to sabotage a workplace, now I have some ideas.

Am I crazy, or isn't there a whole point of ethics with Therapy being explicitly _not_ a bonding experience?

Kinda? I mean, if it works for you, it works for you, but some prefer a more professional relationship. But you start as strangers and work from there. But an actual professional therapist would NEVER treat their own family. I'm surprised that isn't a professional breach of etiquette. I would stay far away from any chats regarding your dad's wife work.

[Bartmanhomer]

Ok, tonight I have to block on another mentally unstable friend on Facebook Messenger who's female by the way. She's been talking about her problems and she thinks I'm some kind of miracle worker which I'm not. Then tonight she's talking to me on Facebook Messenger thinking that she wants to kill herself. I told her don't do It and then she continues to complain. This was the last straw for me so I block her permanently because I just can't deal with her problems anymore.

[WarKitty]

And I most definitely do not want my dad's wife to be my therapist, no matter how much my dad thinks it's a good idea. (I've talked through this thing with both of them, the wife is more like, eh if you want to I don't mind, but ofc it'll be awkward, and dad is like HEY BONDING EXPERIENCE dad please you don't understand)

No, no, no, no, and no. Over here that would be considered a very serious breach of professional ethics. I can't imagine it's all that different over there. Therapy and family relationships do not mix.

[S@tanicoaldo]

That moment when you come back to the forum after a long hiatus.

No posts on your first thread.

You end up losing an almost 3 pages long post with pictures and video references after your log-in refreshed and your draft was not saved for some reason and you lose everything.

[FinnLassie]

Re: regarding having my dad's wife as a therapist - no it's never gonna happen. I know for a fact that it's a bad idea, so does dad's wife, I don't need repeating reminders of that. Dad's just a doofus that isn't exactly working on his best brain when it comes to my mental health and my (previously extremely rocky) relationship with his wife. I don't want any further comments on this.

[Tvtyrant]

So I have had a truly awful few weeks, it has kind of upended my life.

Spoiler: Long Rant

Show

My best friend of the last decade moved to Washington to be with his girlfriend (with my blessing and honestly pushing.)

Spoiler: Warning: Dead Dog Story

Show

Then my girlfriend called me to tell me her roommates dog had passed away and they needed help burying it. So I dropped my day and came over. The roommate drove off after telling me where she wanted it buried and came back once the deed was done.

My girlfriend and her roommate are very nearly incapable of physical labor due to disabilities, so I knew I was going to do most of it myself. What I didn't know is that the Great Pyrenees had not died that day, or even the day before. It was rotting and being 150 pounds I had to dig a big grave for it. So I hauled its rotting body out of its kennel and across the farm to where it was going to be buried (all in the rain) and got done in time for the roommate to come back. The smell was so bad neither of them could come close to it without puking, so even more for me.

Then friday my phone fell down a two story staircase and shattered on my way to watch my parent's house while they went on vacation. I got there and set up, my girlfriend was supposed to stay there with me as it was our anniversary.

She was sick for three days while I cared for her, then on the last day (4th of July) she informed me in the morning that she needed to go take care of her roommate who was "crying alone at home." So I drove her back to find that the roommate was not actually there, so my reservations for the day were dropped for no reason, and my girlfriend went to take a nap.

In the entire time we dated her roommate had only failed to insert herself into our time together twice, both times when I had taken my girlfriend out of town and the roommate could not physically get involved. This had been a major source of friction between us, and at this point I was basically nuclear.

There were larger issues with the relationship that I had been pushing down. My girlfriend only ever liked half of me, and spent a lot of the relationship trying to curb the other part. I had to be soothing, quiet, and none-confrontational or it would make her worried I was going to leave the relationship. Being physically active, or the slightest bit excited or competitive, made her nervous. Being told to calm down and be quite constantly was grating, I had to watch everything I said or did to avoid tripping that line.

Any disagreement I made was either met with tears or sarcastic deflection, and eventually I had just checked out to prevent friction. This literally ranged the full spectrum of Marvel movie criticisms to feminism, and the slow removal of channels to communicate made me unaware how far it had gone. Since my girlfriend is sickly I spent much of our relationship performing chores and responding to disappointed requests (like spending time together outside her house or any activity but sitting on a couch) with "its okay, don't worry."

So when I found out that my girlfriend was once again ditching me to console her roommate I just kind of froze up. I drove her home, drove back to my parents and sat there feeling broken. Two days later I had worked out where things had fallen apart, and I drove back to her house to break up. I have never dumped someone before, it surprisingly hurts more then the other way around.

So now I am dating a gym for a while and try and regain my equilibrium.

[Honest Tiefling]

TvTyrant, **** your ex. That sounds like some emotional abuse, in that your ex was trying to guilt you regarding your hobbies and personality is a giant red flag to me. I'm sorry that it hurt you to break up with her, but she does not sound like she was good for you.

[Tvtyrant]

TvTyrant, **** your ex. That sounds like some emotional abuse, in that your ex was trying to guilt you regarding your hobbies and personality is a giant red flag to me. I'm sorry that it hurt you to break up with her, but she does not sound like she was good for you.

I didn't help myself on the guilt front. She has a chronic disease and gained a lot if weight over our relationship (while I lost a lot), so anytime I was dissatisfied I felt guilty because what if I was just being shallow and lying to myself about it?