Funny Magical Items

[sengmeng]

Rules: Post the worst or funniest (useless, niche, or downright harmful) magic item you can, bonus for pun/parody items. Propose a new item for the next poster to stat up, or post "open item" for them to make up their own wholesale.

Mace of Dissection
When you reduce a creature to 0 hitpoints with this +1 mace, body parts go flying everywhere. You gain an insight into the inner workings of this creature's anatomy, giving you advantage on any medicine checks, knowledge checks, or other intelligence checks relating to understanding that creature's bodily functions for the next 24 hours.


Next poster: Scarab of Projection

[Korith]

Next poster: Scarab of Projection

This device appears to be a silver medallion in the shape of a beetle. If it is held for 1 round, an inscription appears on its surface letting the holder know that it is a projective device.

Whenever the wearer attempts to sneak around, an illusionary projection of the wearer is created in plain view somewhere within 600 feet (line of sight must exist between the sneaking creature and the position of the illusion), in plain view of another intelligent creature. If conditions are particularly dark, a Light spell is centered on the projection's position. The wearer's conscious thoughts are spoken aloud by the illusion.

Caster Level 5th, Light, Detect Thoughts, Major Image

Spoiler: Example

Show

Gormok is wearing a Scarab of Protection, and is deeply in love with Hyacinthe, who was imprisoned by the Dark Lord Smorgum. While sneaking around Smorgum's fortress and wearing a Scarab of Projection, an image is projected in Hyacinthe's prison cell just as he enters the prison block. The illusion announces Gormok's thoughts aloud.

"Me miss Hyacinthe so bad! Me hope Hyacinthe liking Gormok after rescue. Maybe with some smoochy-smoochy."

The guards are alerted and while the rescue attempt ultimately succeeds, no magic in the universe can heal the damage to Gormok's Ego.

Next Up: Rod of Sod

[paddyfool]

Next Up: Rod of Sod

When held by a spellcaster, the Rod of Sod covers the target of any spell they cast with an individual as the target in a thin speckling of earth and soil. Some opponents and allies may feel insulted by this, but it has no actual mechanical effect.
Requirements: Prestidigitation, caster level 1

Next up: Orb of Adsorb

[Scarlet Knight]

This item is a simple glass ball wrapped in magic that is similar to sticky tape. It is useless against spells but great for removing Blink Dog fur from clothing.


Next: An Office Staff.

[Flame of Anor]

Next: An Office Staff.

This staff seems to be fashioned from electrical conduit and sheathed in cubicle fabric. It allows the use of the following spells:

Amanuensis at will
Hide from boss (1 charge)
Tenser's self-filling spreadsheet (1 charge)
Volunteer other (2 charges)
Heroes' feast (produces catering from local sandwich shop) (2 charges)
Summon day off (3 charges)

Next: the Cloak of Melvinkind

[Korith]

The cloak changes the name of whosoever wears it to Melvin. The wearer also believes their name to be Melvin, and only ever remembers their name being Melvin, and as long as the cloak is worn they cannot by any means recall what their name was before, or that they even had such a name. Claiming that they had some other name will be met with the same incredulity as if I were telling you that your name used to be Xercomenules the XXVIIth (and if Xercomenules the XXVIIth is reading this, no I don't know where your Amulet of Natural Arbor ended up). The subject's other memories remain perfectly intact, except that all references to their name have been changed to Melvin, and 2 minutes after any communication trying to remind them of their original name the memory of the communication will be replaced by a rendition of "Who's on First" performed by those involved in it.

The cloak can only be removed by casting Remove Curse and speaking the wearer's name from before the cloak was worn.

Next up: Amulet of Natural Arbor

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

This big round bauble contains a carefully-preserved bonsai of an oak tree. When opened, the spirit of a dryad is released and obliged to grant the opener one wish, provided that the wish is for her to cast plant growth one time. She then takes the amulet and leaves to sort out whatever got her into this situation.

New item! Crown of Bees

[sengmeng]

Crown of Bees

The Crown of Bees appears to be a strange circlet of wicker material, until it is put on. Once worn, a swarm of bees appears from seemingly nowhere and covers the wearer's head, forming a crown-like piece of apparel out of their living bodies. While wearing the Crown of Bees, you have advantage on Intimidate checks against anyone who is allergic to bees.


Next Item: Appendix of Vecna

[Korith]

Major Artifact - The Appendix of Vecna.

To use, one must cut out their own Appendix and replace it with the Appendix of Vecna. It's possible to have another perform this surgery for you, which requires a DC25 Heal check, and whether successful or not imposes 1d6 Constitution Drain on the recipient. Voluntarily accepting the Appendix of Vecna is an Evil act.

If the Heal check succeeds and the Appendix is implanted, the recipient receives its bonuses:
-Immunity to Poison
-Resistance to Cold 5, Resistance to Fire 5, Resistance to Electricity 5, Resistance to Acid 5
-A Corrosive Bile breath weapon that can be used once every 1d4 rounds in a 20 foot cone. It inflicts 1d8 acid damage for every 2 hit dice the user has, with a reflex save DC of 15+the user's Wisdom modifier for half damage. Any living creature that takes damage from the breath weapon and failed their reflex save also receives one negative level. Creatures who receive as many negative levels as they have hit dice from the breath weapon arise 24 hours later as Zombies in the service of whosoever possesses the Appendix of Vecna. The Appendix can control up to 240HD of zombies, with any excess zombies being set free to terrorize the countryside. Creatures who die from acid damage before taking on this many negative levels are reduced to a puddle of bubbling goo and cannot be brought back by anything short of a Resurrection spell.

If the Heal check fails, the recipient takes 1d4 Constitution damage every hour until they receive either a Regeneration spell or someone manages to perform a DC30 heal check on them. Cure Light wounds (or equivalent) can delay the next constitution damage for 10 minutes. Cure Moderate wounds (or equivalent) can delay the next constitution damage for 30 minutes. Cure Serious Wounds (or equivalent) can delay constitution damage by 1 hour, and Cure Critical Wounds (or equivalent) can delay constitution damage by 2 hours.

Next up - Frogtongue Elixir

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

This potion gives you a sticky tongue attack, much like that of a dire toad, for some number of minutes. This is good enough for the hags that invented it to start grapples from a distance, but an improved version exists that includes a minor haste effect, allowing a fighter to pull a foe into melee with her tongue and attack with a weapon in the same turn. It also gives you a +1 bonus on perform checks if your name is Gene Simmons.

Next item! Coin of Obligation!

[TinyMushroom]

The coin of obligation looks like a normal silver piece, though with a pattern specifically depicting a beggar accosting a nobleman. Whenever an opportunity to spend money comes up for a creature within 20 ft. of the owner, that creature will make a DC 13 will save or believe they have almost enough money, if only the owner would help them out a bit. Affected creatures will keep heckling the owner, believing them to be the only person who can help and using every sad and pitiful excuse they can to get a silver piece out of them. Each time they are turned down politely they may save again to break the enchantment. If they are turned down rudely they will immediately accept defeat, but remember the owner's rude behavior towards them. The spell is broken when the owner gives away, loses or no longer has the coin on their person for any other reason.

Next: Gloves of Ink

[Quizatzhaderac]

A pair of stylish long black gloves, cursed.

One worn they will continually excrete black ink from their entire surface, except when attempting to write. Attempts to wash the ink of will change the color from matte black to a pale chartreuse tint.

The gloves will begin to stain the wearer's skin in bold geometric patterns, names of popular bards, and butterflies (lower back only). Patterns can only be removed by taking radiant damage.

A bare handed strike while wearing the gloves "marks" the target and they will exclusively attack the wearer until the wearer pays the target's dry cleaning bill.

After five minute any gloves worn over the gloves of ink will also start to excrete ink in a similar manner.

While sleeping, hand-prints will appear on the bags/purses of the wearer's companions.

next: lanyard of Krull'vi'gott

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

A name tag belonging to a Klingon game developer. Allows entry to PAX East in the year 2570.

Next item! Tattered Infinite Tapestry!

[TinyMushroom]

It is said to be an ancient relic as old as the universe, still in the process of being woven by the Fates themselves. It holds all the threads of fate, crissing and crossing as people meet and are separated. Because of the vast differences in the lives and lifespans of creatures, the threads' lengths vary wildly and huge holes are stretched into the tapestry. Even finding meaning from the mess of rips and threads is quite difficult, but anyone who can figure out the pattern and how to change it could potentially alter reality in any way they please. However, the unwise user is far more likely to create a world-ending paradox. Furthermore, even searching for the Tapestry is said to lead to bad luck and a painful death, as the Fates will know your plan and prevent it by any means necessary.

Next: The Spell-less Book

[Quizatzhaderac]

Items resists all uses of detect magic and identify, completely failing to register as magical. Decipher script and spellcraft checks will also always fail to reveal any mysteries.

A wizard who comes into possession of this book wastes 2D6 days of downtime trying to learn spells from it (unsuccessfully).

Next: Recanter of endless water.

also: Lists of funny magical items

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Recanter of Endless Water: Grants a +2 bonus on Bluff checks made against creatures with the Aquatic subtype. Against such creatures, you never suffer a penalty for saying something that contradicts something you've said previously.

Lists of Funny Magical Items: The name of a local river scow. Half of it is piled high with cursed and useless trinkets. They're so heavy that the boat leans noticeably to one side.

Next item! Faerie egg!

[Elvensilver]

Well... this brightly tinted egg has the size of a human fist. It looks like a faery dragon may have laid it. This is, however, a dangerous misunderstanding. Instead, it was created by powerfull fey which are prone to harmfull pranks.
To properly pull of this pranks, there has to be an incentive to keep the egg: therefore, while in the possession of a creature, it grants the bearer a luck bonus of +1 to all saving throws. The faery egg hatches after 3d10 days and reveals the malicious nature of the creators:
Upon hatching, roll 1d100:
1-9: flamestrike, CR 10, targeting the bearer
10- 19: plane shift to a random plane
20-29: the egg opens to reveal a figurine of a faery Dragon made out of jewels worth 9000 Gold
30-39: the egg splits open... and becomes a bag of Holding type III
40-49: plant grow (CR 10) centered on the bearer
50-59: the egg hatches 2d4 Brownies
60-74: the egg hatches 1d4 Quicklings
75-89: the egg hatches 1 (typically either rather miffed or thankfull) nymph
90-99: the egg hatches 1 faery Dragon
100: the egg hatches one wyrmling Dragon of a random colour


Next up:... Earring of time dilution

[TinyMushroom]

Once per day, you can allow a time bubble to radiate up to 20 feet away from you that either speeds up or slows down time in your area. Roll a d20: if the result is 11 or above, the field applies the slow spell to all creatures within the time bubble. If the result is 10 or below, the field applies the haste spell to all creatures within the time bubble. You may then choose whether the bubble affects you.

Destroying this item has a special effect. When it is destroyed, all creatures within a 20 feet range instantly take 6d8 necrotic damage (DC 14 Con save to halve), and they age 1d6 years, as the temporal energy of this item is suddenly released. Furthermore, water within the radius evaporates, food decays beyond edibility and mundane plant life dies.


Next item: the Fork of Excessive Poking

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

This fork is a magic weapon, usually treated as a dagger or spear. The crafter intended to imbue it with intelligence, but their heuristic matrix was not sufficiently robust. When the weapon successfully strikes a target, the wielder must make a DCXX will save or attack that target again, even if it is already dead. This continues until the wielder makes a will save, an attack misses, or the target is rendered unpokeable.

Next! Fist of the Crab God!

[Korith]

The Fist of the Crab God is a crab claw with fingers.

When carried in one's off-hand, it functions as a +3 Tower Shield. Its wielder can Rebuke Crustaceons (as Rebuke Undead) a number of times per day up to their Charisma modifier. Characters with a shellfish allergy within 15 feet must make a DC20 fortitude save each hour or die. It also tastes good in butter.

Next up: Staff of the Executive

[frzndaqiri]

Staff of the Executive

While holding this Staff anyone within a 10 foot range must agree enthusiastically to the bearers ideas and general statements no matter how terrible they actually are or make a DCXX WIS save to shake off the effects of the Executive's power.

Next up - Spoon of Summoning

[hustlertwo]

Spoon of Summoning appears to be a normal spoon. It can be used 1/week by holding it aloft and shouting SPOOOOOON! This summons The Tick, who will always deal exactly enough nonlethal damage to defeat any one target thanks to his use of drama power. He will then jump off the nearest building and deal 2d12 damage to the ground upon impact. Any attempt to use the spoon more than once a week will result in the spoon being permanently canceled and immediately summon a Greater Horde of Fanboys who will attack the party in a blind rage.

Next: Belt of Holding

[Korith]

The belt of holding may be tied around its user's primary weapon and hand. While so tied, they will suffer a -1 penalty to attack rolls, but gain a +20 bonus against any attempt to disarm that weapon. Applying or removing the belt requires a full minute of uninterrupted concentration, and until removed its user may not put down their weapon.

Next up: Goggles of Puppy Eyes

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

As a puppy must be sacrificed as part of its creation process, this macabre mask clearly marks its wearer as the villain of the current plotline. Their failure to understand why no one finds the eyes cute in this context humanizes them a little bit, though.

Next item! Three-bladed sword!

[Scarlet Knight]

Legendary blade that would leave a unique wound. Upon seeing the victims, the townsfolk would all ask "Y"?

Next item: Codpiece of Charm

[sengmeng]

The Codpiece of Charm lets you cast charm person once for every hour you spend polishing it.


Instrumens of the Bards: Bagpipes of Sorrow

[Korith]

Bagpipes of Sorrow

To start playing the Bagpipes of Sorrow, one must make a DC10 Perform - Bagpipes check. On a failure, nobody really notices the difference but the magical properties don't apply. On a critical failure, every NPC in a 100 mile radius immediately becomes hostile towards the person playing. On a success, the following happens:

After 1 round of playing, everyone within 60 feet must make a Will save or else become stunned for a round. I don't know the DC for the will save, but pretty much everyone who's ever attempted one was stunned anyways.

After 2 rounds of playing, everyone within 150 feet must make a Fortitude save or else become Nauseated. Again, I dinnae know the DC fer tha save, but thar be none who've made it that I know of.

After the 3rd round and each round thereafter, roll percentile for the effect:

01-03 - The sun turns away from the noise and thus begins a thousand years of winter
04-07 - The skies themselves weep with bitter tears. The weather becomes rainy, but the rain is salty. Discuss the environmental repercussions with your DM.
08-13 - The universe writhes with pain and blinks out of existence. Game over.
14-00 - The gods themselves are offended, and strike the player dead (no save). Resurrection is impossible unless the gods are first appeased. Also, we're being intentionally ambiguous with the word "player", but please don't do anything that would have to involve local law enforcement.

Next up - Cymbal of Sleep

[Scarlet Knight]

Cymbal of Sleep - when struck, will remove any sleep spell automatically within a 10 foot radius.

The Cymbal of Sleep may cause sleep in a target by striking the target in the head hard with the Cymbal . You know it is in effect as long as a circle of stars surrounds the targets cranium.

Next: Urza's Bubble

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

A physically-palpable field of uncomfortable silence generated by Urza, representing the minimum safe distance you need to keep away lest you violate his personal space. Urza's Bubble has been steadily expanding over the last 30 years as he's become somewhat cranky in his old age.

Next! Candelabra of Drubdasting!

[Korith]

Candelabra of Drubdasting

When activated, anyone within a 200ft radius who has taken extra actions on their most recent turn are exhausted. Attacks made by character who activates it gain Tromple for the next hour.

Next up: Widget of Thingamajigary