Funny Magical Items

[Korith]

Do not talk about Waldon's Weird Walking Shtick. Do not make direct eye contact with Waldon. Approach Waldon only at a 45-degree angle.

(I've not been strictly translating these into D&D magic items at all, obviously. Just use the edition and degree of minutia that seems funniest to you!)

Next up! Shepard's crook of the crooked shepherd!

The Shepard's crook of the crooked shepherd is a magical staff that can hold up to 50 charges and can cast the following spells:

• Baleful Polymorph (Transform target into a sheep of the same size class) - 3 charges
• Heroes Feast (Lambchops and Mutton) - 2 charges
• Summon Monster III (Large Fiendish Dire Sheep only) - 1 charge

If used in combat as a weapon, it's a double weapon that's a +2 Quarterstaff on one end and a +2 net on the other end.

Next up:
Shiny Bauble of Temptation

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

The Shiny Bauble of Temptation is a cursed magical item that has the properties o- oooooooooh shiny! :D
- Final Notes of the Gnome Archmage Glitz

The Shiny Bauble of Temptation is a roughly 3-inch golden trinket that appears differently depending on who sees it at the ti- ooooooh shiny!
- Knowledge Bard's notes before going into the Golden Caves

NO DON'T TOUCH THA- oooooooooh shin- *SPLURT*
- Last words of Trot, Centaur adventurer.

The Shiny Bauble of Temptation radiates a powerful aura of Enchantment and moderate aura of Illusion. It appears to be aligned with chaotic energies similar to an anarchic weapon and after much study, clearly has a degree of sentien- ooooooooh shiny!
- Arcane Academy notes #10998, 'Read Magic Results on the Shiny Bauble of Temptation'

You know what? Screw this. Throw it into the fire Fro- ooooooooh shiny!
- An adventurer who has seen too many movies

I don't get the appeal, really. Let's sell it and get a new wagon for the family.
- A farmer


Next Up: Deadly Dip of Devious Deliciousness

[jqavins]

The Colossal Claw of Crunchy Chomping

I have one of these. I like to use it slice up lots of cabbage and make (wait for it...)






a colossal cask of crunchy coleslaw.

[paddyfool]

Deadly Dip of Devious Deliciousness

A dunk of doom, designed by the doyenne of delectable death after that dame was devilishly inspired by a deafening diatribe on the dire decline of dungeon dining, the Deadly Dip of Devious Deliciousness inflicts a high DC will save not to taste it. Any dunce foolish enough to partake, however, will then attack anyone else they perceive to be going after the Dip to the best of their ability for a half dozen rounds.

Iain's Indigo Ioun stone of Irritation.

[Ghen]

Iain's Indigo Ioun stone of Irritation

-Item Cost: 3999 gold, 6 silver, 4 copper
-Item Weight: 2 ounces. That's two sixteenths of a pound, which reduces to one eigth, and your DM's looking so you had BETTER be writing it down on your character sheet, or else!
-Moderate Universal Aura

It casts prestidigitation at seemingly random times on random targets. Unlike most ioun stones, this one can't seem to float in perfect orbit around your head. It occasionally bumps into your face, gets tangled in your hair, gives your targets cover, and forgets who's head it's supposed to be orbiting. Oh, and it's indigo. So irritating! -4 to all concentration checks.

Next: Mirror of Opposite Shin

[georger0171]

Mirror of Opposite Shin
This mirror displays an image of the shins of a parallel-universe version of whoever's looking at it.
Roll a d20 every time you use this mirror. If you roll a 1, you look at the shins of an absolutely horrific version of you and take 5d10 psychic damage. DC 21 Will save negates.

Next up:
Bong of Eternity

[Scarlet Knight]

Bong of Eternity

Pffft! So Babe, you're saying, after I take a hit, I hear the Dead playing for eternity? How it that cursed?"

Pfft! No, man, I said you'll get the Dead's 'Eternity' stuck in your head forever. I haven't figured out how that's a curse yet."

Pffft, "Hey, I can hear 'em!"

"I'm lookin' out my window
Watch the clouds go by
I look to see eternity
The endless rolling sky
You cannot think of eternity
Thinkin' it like time
You try to think, you try to count
You just mess up your mind
Eternity, eternity
Baby, I love you, you love me
Let's love each other through eternity!"

Next: Figurine of Wonderous Power: Roach

[Korith]

By speaking the command word, the Figurine of Wondrous Power: Roach will come to life and scurry off into some inaccessible space suitable for a fine-sized creature. You can try to stop it with a DC18 reflex save, but must then make a DC18 Fortitude save to avoid dropping it out of disgust. Once hidden, it will de-animate and summon a swarm of Fiendish Cockroaches (as per a Summon Monster spell) once every 2d4 days. The Fiendish Cockroaches will attack everything in sight and devour as much food as they can find.

Next up: Magic Dice of Pandemonium

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

"The character with a Dice of Pandemonium who wishes to roll the dice must announce how many dice she will roll before she begins. Dice must be rolled within 1 hour of each other, and a character can never again roll from this dice any more dice than she has announced..." Wait, what? Let me see that table... yep, they definitely copy-pasted the text from the Deck of Many Things. Those rules barely made sense the first time!

Next: Flexing Scroll

[Cicciograna]

This roll of parchment is much longer than it seems. A casual galnce shows that it's covered in diagrams and drawings depicting the human body in prime condition, and a list of suggestion for exercises and well-being. At the end of the scroll there's however a sentence written in some unknown language: even magical means of deciphering the sentence fail.

Carefully studying the scroll requires six months of dedication, follwing the rituals and rotes described in it, and has two effects: the first is a Transmutation effect that manifest as a distinct increase in muscular mass. The body of the reader will start to become more toned, muscle will be more defined, abs will stick out and, at the end of the study period, the reader will find themselves to be in top shape.
The second effect is of the Enchantment school, and manifest itself as an increasing appreciation for one's figure. The reader will start spending considerable time looking at their reflection, first caressing their own muscles, then gently contracting pecs and abs, and finally, at the end of the study period, flat-out tightening as hard as he can all his muscles and assuming very provocative poses.

It's only then, when proudly flexing their powerful muscles in front of the mirror, admiring the possance and testosterone pouring from their own bodies, that the reader will finally understand the meaning of the last sentence of the scroll, which translated to the Common tongue roughly reads as: "Bro, do you even lift?".

Next: Wand of Hats.

[Simetra Irertne]

This wand has 3 charges. While holding it, you can use an action to expend 1 of its charges and target a humanoid you can see within 30 feet of you. The target must succeed on a DC 10 Charisma saving throw or be forced to seize the nearest item (prioritizing items not currently held or worn) and balance it on their head for one minute.

The wand regains all expended charges daily at dawn. If you expend the wand's last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the wand transforms into a wand of shoes.


Ring of Greater Walloping

[paddyfool]

Ring of Greater Walloping.

You may use this ring once per day to cast Greater Magic Wallop. However, the ring has a mind of its own, and if an alternative blunt weapon may be found within 50' of your character when you cast this spell, the ring may, if you roll an odd number on any even sided die, choose to apply the spell to that weapon instead. For Greater Walloping shall indeed happen when the ring is used, but whether by the party or of the party is in the hands of the fates.

Jade Mask of the Jester

[Korith]

The wearer of the Jade Mask of the Jester may cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter once per day and receives a +5 bonus to Charisma checks related to humor.

However, the item also has a curse - when attempting to remove the Jade Mask of the Jester, without speaking a command word it will trap the wearer's soul within a gem hidden within the mask as a triggered Trap the Soul spell. The mask may hold up to 5 souls. A wearer who knows the true nature of the mask can speak a command word to access the skills and abilities of each soul that has been trapped within the mask, or release the souls in the presence of the appropriate body.

Next up - Cane of Candification

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

It's just a wand of Flesh to Stone, except the resulting statue is made of sugary candy rather than solid stone. It gradually dissolves in water and will likely be eaten by insects if left unattended. It could also be used to make a candy golem more easily than normal; see its entry in Dr. Gunsforhands' Nonexistent Monster Manual for details.

Next! Magic Instant Pot

[Cicciograna]

It's just a wand of Flesh to Stone, except the resulting statue is made of sugary candy rather than solid stone. It gradually dissolves in water and will likely be eaten by insects if left unattended. It could also be used to make a candy golem more easily than normal; see its entry in Dr. Gunsforhands' Nonexistent Monster Manual for details.

Next! Magic Instant Pot

The Magic Instant Pot is a joint that rolls by itself and makes you see MAGIC STUFF!!!

Next: Potion of Hangover

[paddyfool]

The Potion of Hangover

Created in a bid to put people off drinking, this contains temporally shifted dwarf spirits that skip the imbiber straight through the drunk phase to simply feeling rotten, unless they pass a high DC Fortitude save. Sometimes idiots drink it for a dare.

Knitted Keepsake of the Kuo'Toa

[Korith]

The Knitted Keepsake of the Kuo-Toa is a magic beanie that can be worn in the head slot and allows its wearer to breathe in water. Once per day, it will automatically neutralize any poison used against its wearer.

Next up - Eyebrows of Vecna

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Prior to becoming a skeleton, Vecna collected all of his lost eyelashes and eyebrow hairs in a jar for years. It is one of the five embarrassing secrets from his former life that must be assembled to defeat him for good.

Next! Fortunate Sundial

[BaconTomato]

The Fortunate Sundial automatically teleports itself around the planet at regular intervals to keep up with the sun, so that it always has sunlight to be read by. How fortunate for anyone who's near it who just so happens to want to know what time it is!

Next: Staff Of Marbles

[jqavins]

When it's command word ("Woopsie Daisy") is uttered, the Staff of Marbles spews forth a stream of glass marbles in an area under the feet of, in front of, its target. One target must be specified, but others nearby may be caught in the effect. The target must make a saving throw (choose the appropriate type based on the game system version, e.g. Dex, Balance, Acrobatics, etc.) or fall prone (supine), with the save's DC depending on the number of charges expended:

No. of Charges	DC for Target	DC for Others
1	20	15
2	25	20
3	35	25

Creatures failing the save also take 0-2 points of damage from the fall and landing flat on their backs on a field of marbles (ouch!).

The wand's range is 15 feet plus 5 feet for each charge expended.

Next up: Crystal Ball of Entertainment

[BaconTomato]

Each person to look into the Crystal Ball of Entertainment sees the most embarrassing memory of the previous person to look into it - followed by an explanation of this mechanic, after which it teleports itself into the inventory of the nearest other person who hasn't yet used it.
"For my own entertainment, of course!" ~maker of the Ball

Next: ​Adventure Calendar