Vending Machine

[Dire Moose]

Looks like the thread dropped off the forums. Well, here’s the next incarnation.

A massive vending machine stands before you! Anything you put in will cause the Vending Gnomes in the machine to give you something else in return, like so:

Player 1: I insert a cow.

Player 2: You get a jug of milk.
I insert a dragon.

Player 3: You get a bunch of screaming, burned Vending Gnomes.
I insert a battleship.

Etc.

So I insert a supercalifragilisticexpialidociously antidisestablishmentarianistic humuhumunukunukuapua’a.

[Korith]

You get a Babel Fish and a hula skirt.

I insert Twelve Monkeys.

[KAmber]

You get a Babel Fish and a hula skirt.

I insert Twelve Monkeys.

You get back a bed with a single monkey, and eleven monkeys with various injuries.
I insert a playing card with the words "Yeetus Fetus Self Deletus Avacado Diabeetus" written in blood on it, along with a pentagram instead of the single o.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a very confused imp asking how you knew how to summon it.

I insert the powers of life and death itself.

[Korith]

You get the powers of Field and Heat themselves.

I insert a xylophone enchanted to only play Baby Shark.

[Dire Moose]

A great white shark jumps out of the machine and eats you.

I insert a Blue Whale.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a can of blue paint, in which swims a minnow.

I insert the meaning of life, the universe and everything.

[Korith]

You get 42 marbles, which become lost as soon as you blink.

I insert a weeping angel.

[Samba Mentality]

You are transported far back in time to the ancient Mayan empire, where with some wit and some skill you are elevated to the rank of shaman and live a long life of luxury.

I insert Pando.

[Dire Moose]

Assuming you meant this, you get a bunch of terrified dwarves telling you to run for your life.

I insert Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a big folder of papers in Gnomish and a thumb drive labeled Supporting Documents. On inspection, it seems to be an application to join the United Federation of Planets.

I insert a disassembled server rack.

[TinyMushroom]

The machine deposits a quivering ball of fabric that reeks of excessive sweat and cheap coffee before your feet. When dig through it, discover it's a sysadmin wrapped in a trauma blanket.

I insert a Bohemian Earspoon

[Korith]

You get a Poisonous Rhapsody, which sends anyone who listens to it into a coma for 1d4 years. DC18 Will Save negates.

I insert a shiny gold doubloon and a gift basket full of exotic cheeses.

[Dire Moose]

You get a bunch of pirates demanding the rest of the doubloons.

I insert my dog.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a little business card with a happy face on it.

I insert a crinkled dollar bill with Arnold Schwarzenegger's face on it.

[TinyMushroom]

You get a dvd of a Terminator knockoff movie titled "The Neutralizor".

I insert a set of scented markers.

[Samba Mentality]

You get a substantial number of pennies.

I insert my marching baritone.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a tenner.

I insert Fifty-dollars Bill.

[Korith]

You get five Trespassers Williams and a little stuffed Piglet.

I insert a Caution: Wet Floor sign, a mop, and the desiccated remains of the 13th Emperor of Atlantis.

[Dire Moose]

You get a very angry Aquaman.

I insert the severed heads of my slain enemies.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a small pile of toenail clippings and a broken sword.

I insert the duodenum.

[Samba Mentality]

You get a steaming pile of unidentifiable, partially digested food.

I insert the Mar. 4 issue of the New Yorker.

[Laserlight]

You get a history book dealing with the House of York and their battles in the War of the Roses.

I put in a maple syrup cheesecake.

[Dire Moose]

You get a moose on a major sugar high.

I insert an army of 10,000 orcs.

[TinyMushroom]

You get 2500 4-orc adventurer parties. They all independently decided a 4-barbarian party is optimal, bless their hearts.

I insert the christmas spirit.

[Korith]

You get The Ghost of Easter Present, The Ghost of Thanksgiving Past and The Ghost of Halloween future, who visit you at night. What revelation this may lead to I'll never guess.

I insert 10,000 Chocolate coins and 600 barf bags.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get a small plastic baggie of miniature stomach gummies.

I insert the color blue.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get the mutant alien berry they use in certain drinks as a, 'natural flavor.'

I insert all of my shame and frustration.

[Bohandas]

You get a holiday family gathering

I insert an old christmas tree

[Korith]

You get a voucher that lets you take Arbor day off work/school/etc.

I insert a bunch of fancy magic rings that whisper strange things to whoever wears them.