Vending Machine

[paddyfool]

You get a large red lightsabre.

I insert a bowcaster.

[georger0171]

You get an oversized medieval crossbow.

I insert this video.

[Dire Moose]

(the URL gave me a black screen with an error message)

You get [DATA EXPUNGED]. MTF-117 “The Janitors” arrives on scene to terminate you before you can tell anyone else.

EDIT: Ok, so it was fixed. You get every curse word in the language of the Great Old Ones which drives you completely insane. You start randomly screaming them everywhere which drives those around you insane. MTF-117 “The Janitors” arrives on scene wearing advanced hearing protection and shoots you before you can do any more damage.

I insert a flock of pigeons.

[Cicciograna]

You get Operation Tacana.

I insert Project Acoustic Kitty.

[BaconTomato]

You get a great deal of data on the locations of mice, birds, and other things cats eat. And nothing else.

I insert a crude effigy of a vending machine gnome.

[georger0171]

You get a note saying "The vending machine goblins thank you for your free source of kindling."

I insert The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the in-book guide of the same name)

[totadileplayz]

You gain the answer to death, strings, and nothing.

I insert the metaphysical concept of strings.

[Dire Moose]

You get a black hole.

I insert the fossilized remains of a Brontosaurus.

[BaconTomato]

You get the un-fossilized remains of a (still quite dead) Brontosaurus.

I insert my library card.

[Dire Moose]

You get a bill for a massive amount of late fees. You completely forgot you even checked those books out, too.

I insert 10 tons of barbecued Brontosaurus steak.

[lacco36]

You get a 2TB usb flash drive. It contains a continuous mp3 file consisting of gnome burps.

I insert a variety of gnome-centric self-help books (How to Gnome and Be Happy; Find Your Perfect Inner Gnome; Gnome Yourself; Eat, Gnome, Sleep, The Productive Gnome).

[Cicciograna]

You get back the same books ripped to shreds, with what remains defaced with crude images of gnomes with X in their eyes and even nastier stuff.

I insert the same books, but centered around goblins (How to Goblin and Be Happy; Find Your Perfect Inner Goblin; Goblin Yourself; Eat, Goblin, Sleep, The Productive Goblin).

[Dire Moose]

You get them back, except they’re all on fire. You also get a note written in Goblin which translates to: “Goblins already know how to have a good time!”

I insert a dire badger.

[BaconTomato]

You get an angry dire badger.

I insert a cup of coffee.

[lacco36]

You get an angry cup of coffee. It tries to eat your face while you drink it. It tastes refreshing.

I insert a local guide, two pints of lager and a hat rack.

[bug_sniper]

You get an angry tour guide who threatens to call security. You also get two angry pints of lager filled with caffeine. And you get an angry hat rack that tips over.

I insert a chill pill.

[Cicciograna]

You get a lukewarm pill.

I insert a lukewarm pillow.

[totadileplayz]

You get a nice regular pillow...

Sometime later, When you decide to rest with it, you discover it likes eating you.

I Insert a humane Chest.

[paddyfool]

You get a gobline chest. It eats anything you might be foolish enough to put inside it, hands included.

I insert a party of goblin-slaying adventurers.

[bug_sniper]

You get a village of party-slaying goblins.

I insert the DM.

[Dire Moose]

You get a fiendish dire half-dragon Tarrasque with the ability to summon swarms of bears.

I insert a pair of nasty dirty smelly sweaty gym socks.

[georger0171]

You get an angry gym teacher.

I insert SCP-914, one gear at a time.

[bug_sniper]

You get SCP-682, 1 lump of flesh at a time.

I insert the fiendish dire half-dragon Tarrasque and weld the machine dispense slot shut so that nothing comes out of it.

[georger0171]

You get a whole vending machine's worth of molten metal.

I insert another vending machine.

[Dire Moose]

You get a rift in the time-space continuum.

I insert the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) to find some way to seal the rift.

[georger0171]

You get the Millenium Falcon being chased by an Exogorth.

I insert the Large Hadron Collider.

[Cicciograna]

Once the machine reaches the intended 13 TeV in the center of mass, the vending machine is disintegrated to the quark level. Jets of top quarks streak throughout the area, quickly hadronizing into more stable particles¹. The subsequent radiation shower goes completely uncontained with dire consequences, as even the typically harmless muons have so much energy that they manage to smash atoms and even nuclei in their path. Relativistic effects ensure that the shower propagates for kilometers in all directions. Gamma radiation spawns a host of Hulk-like creatures that add to the general disarray. Neutrinos oscillate like there's no tomorrow, gluons fly everywhere coalescing into glue-balls, pentaquark hadrons set shop among us because screw metastability. You discover a new exotic particle, a lepton that doesn't fit the current Standard Model that you decide to name goblino: contrarily to regular leptons, it mysteriously couples to the Strong force and carries a new quantum number that you dub "G" as in "greenness". Quarks and gluons are not amused.
No supersymmetric particles, though, sorry.

I insert into nothing the blueprints for a new vending machine and hire a squad of goblins to put it together and man blin it.

¹Just remembered that the top quarks don't hadronize, they decay too fast.

[georger0171]

You get a vending machine, now with two slots. Upon closer inspection, there's a note taped to the vending machine. when you read it, it says: "Hello, new user of the vending machine! This new and improved vending machine supports putting in two objects at once through the different slots. The goblins will combine them and give you something new. Or you can just put one thing in, and the vending machine will work as normal, before the reality-altering event that happened when someone put the LHC in the vending machine.

I test the vending machine's new capabilities by inserting:
Slot 1: The entirety of the Order of the Stick books.
Slot 2: The entirety of xkcd.

[ziproot]

Black hat destroys the last gate and you get a picture of the snarl.

I insert whiteout to erase the picture.

[georger0171]

You get white paint.

I insert SCP-008.